Fifty Shades Written
by SD130413
Summary: This is the sequel to Unwritten and starts two weeks after that. As with Unwritten plenty of drama and a soap opera is what you'll find here. As Ana continues to work hard driving herself mad between being a Mom, Wife, Business Woman and Author life still gives her plenty of lemons. Will she be able to make lemonade? NO CHEATING
1. Chapter 1

**So here it is Fifty Shades Written (Thanks for the name Jennie!) **

**Takes place two weeks after the tour finished. Those who wanted the tour written out there will be a lot of Ana reflecting and remembering back. **

**Monday March 18th 2013**

It's been over two weeks since the book tour finished and today I'm going back to work. I'm really excited to get back into Ana's Palace and laying down the law that I'm back and I'm bad. Of course things aren't going to be as easy as I make them out to be. In the two weeks since I've been home little India Annalise has developed Separation Anxiety sometimes screaming at me if I just leave the room without her.

Of course after contacting the Health Visitor she insists it's normal for children to develop separation anxiety and that the best thing I can do is minimize separation and when separation is necessary, like going back to work, leave her with someone she's familiar with which of course is Carrie.

"Come on baby open wide." I coo bringing the pink plastic spoon to my daughter's mouth as I try and feed her the Barley oat cereal she has shown a liking too.

"Try aeroplane noises, or helicopter. That normally works." Christian murmurs from behind his paper, he's always giving me hints on how to look after India, even though I've been home two weeks and over the time I was away I spent just as much time with her as him.

"I know what normally works Christian but I have a sore throat this morning and the last thing I want is to sit here making silly noises. She needs to eat." I say trying not to snap with him, it's ok for him he's just going to get on with his day as normal but not me, after meeting with Lola in the gym at five am our workout was disrupted by India screaming blue murder and Christian deciding it was my turn, it doesn't matter that I got up with her every single day for the past two weeks.

"Give it here then, I'll do it." He says folding his paper down and taking the bowl from me.

Sighing I pass him the spoon and sip at my tea as he begins making helicopter noises while pushing the spoon towards India but she turns her head away and purses her lips, I can't help but smirk, not even Christian Grey is always right.

"India Grey." He says in his stern CEO voice, my baby girl looks up at him through her long eyelashes, her bright blue eyes holding his gaze steadily and I watch as my husband struggles not to melt under her stare. "Eat." He commands but as soon as the spoon is on her lips she blows a raspberry through her lips making oats splatter everywhere including onto Christian's navy work suit. "Fuck sakes!" He snaps dropping the spoon into the bowl while I hand him a napkin.

When India laughs and claps her hand I snort trying to hold back my own laugh. Christian looks at me angrily but my daughter is so adorable and cute that I can't help it, she doesn't know what she did is wrong she's barely turned six months old!

"It's not funny Ana… I'm going to have to change and now I'll be late for a meeting." He growls getting to his feet.

"She didn't mean anything by it Christian, she didn't want the food and you still tried to feed her." I say with a shrug.

"I forgot you were a child development specialist." He says sarcastically while rolling his eyes, yeah he gets to do that but me… I still get spanked for it.

"No, I just know my daughter." I reply, thankfully it seemed India would always keep all her milestones till Christian and I were together, her first tooth, her laugh, her words Mama and Dada, clapping which she only just learned last week, sitting, rolling onto her tummy, all of it was done in the presence of both Christian and I and I thank every God above for letting that happen, being away we could have missed so much but we were blessed.

"I'm going to change, make sure she eats something." He snaps before walking out of the room. I turn to look at my daughter and laugh, she managed to get hold of the bowl and is now sat in her high chair covered in oats.

"India made Dada mad." I chuckle. "You'll soon learn that Daddy likes you to eat three meals a day without question." I tell her as I begin cleaning up. "And you'll learn to bite your tongue and wait till he's left the room to make silly faces at him behind his back. And never roll your eyes, he hates that though I know your punishment and mine would be completely different…"

"Having an interesting conversation there?" Gail asks as she enters the kitchen with Zachary right behind her.

"Interesting yes but not very intelligent." I chuckle.

"Oh dear looks like India had different ideas for her breakfast this morning." Gail says coming over to help me clear up.

"She blew some of it over Christian… he's in one foul mood now." I say chuckling as does Gail.

"Here let me." Gail says taking the napkins from my hand.

"She's just a baby, she doesn't realise that what she did was wrong and she can't exactly tell him that she didn't want the food and he ignored her turning her head."

"He'll learn." Gail shrugs, it's true, eventually he will.

"I think he's waiting for her to learn." I say putting sitting down to help her feed her bottle, she's quite the independent madam and tries to take it from me but she's not quite figured out how to hold it and feed yet without assistance.

"Hmm, maybe but he's still reeling about that Japan bother." Gail replies as she gives Zachary his cup with a wiggly straw that he got when we went to the zoo a couple of weeks ago, just a few days after I got back from the tour.

"Of course." I sigh.

Japan was a disaster for Christian. He lost a lot of money on some deal, not enough that it affects us financially at all but he has ended up selling off a part of one of his Japanese companies and he's trying to do something about it still. I found all this out when he arrived home just before midnight on Christmas Eve.

I was so scared he was going to miss India's first Christmas. It was morning of Christmas Eve when Grace and Carrick came over and finally made me put up the decorations and decorate the tree taking plenty of photos of India to send Christian as I'd put it off hoping he'd make it back to do it with us. Of course he didn't and I spent the night of Christmas Eve sobbing, just hoping he'd make it home. He didn't disappoint me by turning up just as the clock chimed midnight, declaring it Christmas day and he took me into his arms, dried my tears and made sweet love to me all night.

"Right I'm off." Christian announces coming back into the kitchen, his eyes on his phone.

"Have a good day sweetheart." I tell him as he kisses India's head.

"You too, don't over-do it." He says before giving me a sweet kiss.

"Say bye-bye to Dada India." I encourage and she doesn't disappoint as she flaps her arms wildly to say goodbye to her father.

"Bye bye Indie." He smiles proudly before rubbing her head.

"Bye Christian." Zach says as he munches away at his cereal.

"Goodbye Zach, have a good day at school and make sure you learn lots and lots ok?" He says rubbing the young boy's afro.

Christian leaves and the day continues, it's strange being in a somewhat normal routine once again even if it's not feeling that normal for us yet.

ILB

After finally leaving the house myself with only a minimal tantrum from India I'm finally safely at my office in Ana's Palace.

I have so much to do, since being back I left everything to Wendy still but now I'm home where I belong there are some issues that I have to address that Wendy couldn't or wouldn't. Don't get me wrong she's an amazing person to have as a second in command but she isn't me and these companies are mine.

By twelve o'clock I'm missing India and knowing that I can I finish up all the work I have to do today before heading for home. When I walk in I grin when I hear my daughter laughing and my husband talking.

"You're such a good girl, open wide…" I hear before he makes his helicopter noises.

I walk into the kitchen to see my husband sat facing the high chair feeding our little girl. I smile as it's such a precious sight and when India's eyes find me she grins, her two little front teeth showing as she giggles and claps.

"Ah look at that Indie, Mommy's home." Christian says putting the bowl and the spoon down out of India's reach and wipes his hands.

"Hi, you're home early." I say looking my beautiful husband up and down.

"I felt bad for being angry with her this morning and thought I'd come and make it up to her." He shrugs making me smile, he's so thoughtful. "You're also home early."

"I missed her." I shrug. "I've missed her enough while I was touring."

"Hmm, seeing as we're both home early why don't we get India changed and do something?"

"Like what?" I ask letting my beautiful husband wrap me up in his arms.

"I don't know." He shrugs.

"Well I've been looking at taking India swimming." I say quietly and Christian looks at me wide eyed. "The first time you go to this club they begin teaching babies six months and older how to hold their breaths, turn over and float if they were to fall into water. I think it may be a good idea with us having a pool in the house and the water out back."

"India can't get anywhere near either right now." He says sternly, I guess he doesn't like me worrying about our daughter possibly drowning.

"I know that but if she knows how to do it now she'll know it forever I guess… I mean I think the sooner she's confident in water the better for her and peace of mind for us."

"Ok we can do the swimming thing but not today." He says and I nod and give him a smile, I know he wouldn't like to go to a public pool.

"How about we just stay home and play? There's plenty we can do right here." I tell him and he smiles.

"We should get changed out of our work clothes." Christian chuckles and I nod in agreement, once changed I know we can have a great day with our daughter.

ILB

Bye the time we've put India down for her afternoon nap Christian has worked me into a frenzy. Not only is he the sexiest father alive he also knows how to make subtle touches and looks spark a fire inside of me that only he can douse and he sure made that fire burn this afternoon.

"She's sleeping." He says wrapping his arms around my waist as I try to make our hot drink of choice.

"Good." I smile. "Mommy needs some of Daddy's attention."

"God Ana." He breathes already finding my clothed breasts with his hands.

I drop my head back onto his shoulders as he manipulates my breasts. I feel my nipples harden, strain against the silk of my bra, my arousal deepening with each touch.

"Christian…" I whine like a child wanting him to take me quickly. Of course with Christian that's never going to happen.

"You're such a naughty girl Ana, I believe you're in need of a spanking." He says huskily into my ears. I don't want a spanking, it would delay the release he's been building me up to slowly since lunch, teasing and tantalising me.

"No…"

"No? You're denying me?" He asks stepping back. I turn to him to see him looking amused. "Well you deny me… I also deny you." He says his lips turning up into a smirk.

"Oh no." I moan.

"Come here Ana and bend over the island, you're in need of a real spanking. I'm going to turn that behind nice and rosy with my hand then I'm going to use an implement on you of my choice." He says taking my hand, I can't deny him, even if I wanted to which I did moments ago I need him to give me a release as much as he needs to spank me.

It isn't long before I'm bent over the breakfast island, my jeans down to my ankles, my hands holding the edge of the island enjoying the feel of my husband warming up the skin with his hands.

"Oh I'm going to enjoy this Anastasia." He says quietly in his Dom voice, there's no denying that, I know that he's going to enjoy it without him having to tell me.

Ten warm up slaps of his hand on my behind and I hear him rummaging behind me. Then once again he's by my side this time something cool against my skin… metal maybe?

"Oh you've been so naughty Ana, so naughty, and for that I must punish you, I must beat you." He says, every syllable dripping with seduction.

Suddenly his weapon leaves my skin and slams down on me once more. I scream, the shock more than anything. I expected more pain than there actually was but still, Jesus Christ it hurt.

"Shh Ana, don't tense, feel the burn baby just relax." He says soothing my skin with his hands. I try and do as he says, relax and feel the burn and I find myself burning more in my core, my arousal evident to my husband as it runs down the inside of my thigh.

He hits me again on the opposite side, he hits through me almost, the hit ringing against the looser skin of my behind as I call out loudly.

"Ouch!" I yell and he chuckles soothing it out.

"Do you need to safe word?" Christian asks and I shake my head. God no, the arousal is worth the pain. I have a desperate seeping need for him and I can see myself coming just at his beating.

"No."

"Good, why are you being punished Ana?" He asks before slapping whatever his toy is against me.

"Because I was naughty." I say tears streaming freely down my cheeks but not from the pain of his spanking but from the need for a release, I'm aching between my legs, desperate for him. Another slap from him another scream from me.

"Will you be naughty again?"

"Yes!" I yell just as he hits me once more.

"I know." I can almost hear his sadistic smile. "And I will enjoy beating you every time." He says before hitting me once more and dropping the implement onto the tile floor with a clatter. His finger strokes between my legs sending me into a screaming, mind-blowing orgasm that has me shaking violently before I collapse into Christian's arms.

"Did you hear that?" Christian asks as he holds me in his arms, I cannot for the life of me hold my weight up right now.

"Hear what?"

"Never mind, I guess it was just me." He shrugs. "Now see how amazing it can be when you push your boundaries and give into the pain?" Christian asks.

"Uh-huh." I nod knowing I'm going into subspace, having written about it I now recognise it. Christian chuckles lightly and hoists me into his arms.

"Now what are the chances I can fuck you silly before our daughter wakes up from her nap?" He asks already heading for the bedroom while I lay bare bottomed in his arms. I just sigh contently and hope India keeps quite for the next hour or so.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who has joined me on this continued journey. I was shocked to see all the followers and I would love to hear from all of you though that's asking a lot I know ;) haha!**

**ILB – means insert line break – it's just sometimes I forget to actually insert the line breaks and delete the abbreviation. Haha!**

**Tuesday March 19th 2013**

"Where's Gail?" Christian asks joining India and I in the kitchen, I bet he's surprised to see there's no omelette waiting for him as I have been up to work out and was then screamed at for a feed by our daughter.

"Their social worker is visiting today to interview them and Zachary to see how it's going." I explain and he makes a noise that shows he did know, he just forgot.

"How are you this morning?"

"Deliciously sore and throbbing." I chuckle, after the great spanking with what I now know was a spatula, Christian and I fucked hard before having dinner and after putting India down for the night we enjoyed numerous rounds of kinky fuckery with all the toys we have in the bedroom.

"I'm glad to hear it." He smirks making himself a coffee and popping bread into the toaster.

"I could make you an omelette if you take over the feed." I tell him as India happily takes the spoon of iron filled cereal made with her formula milk.

"Nah, toast is fine and I don't want a repeat of yesterday." He grimaces while I laugh, it was funny seeing him splattered with cereal. "It's not funny, I'll spank you." He teases making me smile wider, I won't object Mr Grey, I think to myself.

After India's fed I hand her over to Carrie before heading off to work, separating with my husband at the door. I plan to make a full day today seeing as I didn't yesterday and as I drive with Robbie Williams Candy blaring through the speakers I smile, today is going to be a good day I think.

In the office I get straight down to business ordering Hannah to do a couple of things in preparation for our upcoming weekend trip to London for the Marathon and the charity gala that's on Friday for Carla's Cancer trust, the one in New York was such a success that we managed to send five families to relive an old family holiday with their terminal family member, making it possible for them to have access to any drugs and medical treatment wherever they were.

Grace kindly offered for us to have the event at her home in Bellevue but I gently turned her down in favour of Hotel 1000 where we have managed to book the entire hotel for our event. It seems they happily gave us hiring out all the rooms for free when I started name dropping and telling them how much guests we had coming and how much of them needed rooms and they would be paying for those themselves, of course Christian and I have the best suite they have to offer for our night together well weekend together with Carrie having India on the Friday night but for Saturday she's going to Bellevue to her grandparents for Christian and I to have some alone time.

We're having a black and gold ball though I haven't specifically told anyone they have to wear these colours the whole of the hotel, all of the rooms we'll be using will be holding will be decorated to the theme though each room will have a theme of its own throughout the evening.

I'm so excited as it's going to be bigger than the New York event. In New York we had one hundred and fifty guests come and it was just a big party really with people donating money throughout the night, this time I'm going for the whole shebang with auctions and over three hundred people are attending with over a hundred of those donating different prizes from a week stay or two week state at some of the holiday homes to gift baskets and similar. I'm sure we'll make a fortune, easily double what we've spent which is the plan.

When the day finally draws to a close I race home buzzing that I managed to do so much and hold off leaving until five thirty. My world though is turned on it's head as I drive through the gate and see a fleet of police cars surrounding my house.

I put my foot down, getting up the long winded driveway in a flash until I screech to a halt. I jump out the car to have a police man rush over to me.

"Mrs Grey?"

"Yes, what the hell is going on?"

"We're trying to get access into the house." The officer says and I eye him suspiciously.

"Why? You have no right to access the house when the owners aren't at home. I take it my husband is yet to arrive." I reply dryly, I know he's not here to give me some grave news so I relax a little.

"No but we have a court order." A woman in a black trouser suit says stepping up with a blue document in her hand which she instantly passes to me.

I tear it open in a hurry, desperate to find out what's going on. As I read the letter my stomach falls to the floor and my breathing catches in my throat. This is a nightmare, one that I am going to wake up from any moment.

"You're not doing a thing till I call my lawyer and my husband." I say walking towards the front door.

"Mrs Grey if you don't let us in you're in contempt of court and we will arrest you." The officer spits harshly but the woman beside him puts her hand on his arm and looks to me with caring, gentle eyes.

"We can help you Mrs Grey. You can come with us and we'll make sure you're safe." She says gently stepping closer to me. I frown, what the hell is this woman going on about.

"This document isn't specific. What the fuck is going on?" I ask angrily, I have no idea why I have been handed this legal document but I know I have to stall until Christian gets here.

"Mrs Grey there has been an accusation …" She cuts off as my husband's SUV comes barrelling up the driveway. "We can help you, protect you. He may be wealthy Mrs Grey but he doesn't have any power over you." She says grabbing my hands as Christian and Taylor dive out of the SUV.

"Ana what the hell?" He asks hurrying towards me looking as pale as a ghost.

I hand him the legal document and watch as he reads it.

"Mr Grey, if you don't let us inside to take India you're going to be in contempt of court. That is a court order ordering immediate removal of India Annalise Grey in fear of her safety and well-being."

"What the fuck?! Why?!" Christian roars.

"There has been an accusation of abuse…"

"Ana nor I would ever hurt our child!" He yells while looking hurt.

"The accusation hasn't be about child abuse…" She glances at me. "Domestic Violence."

"Never." I breath harshly. "Never, Christian wouldn't he hasn't…"

"I'm afraid we have to react within the law Mrs Grey, these accusations will be investigated and once a judge is satisfied India can be returned to the family home."

"You can't just take our daughter away from us." Christian says, the fear in his eyes so prominent.

"You may come Mrs Grey… the accusation is not against you and if the accusations are true we can help you but we have to take the child and if either of you try to stop us we will have you arrested." She says calmly, her ruby red lips moving but falling on deaf ears to me. I'm drowning in fear here.

"Ana, baby." Christian takes a hold of my biceps slowly and looks into my eyes. I see tears in his grey orbs, and I know he's hurting and scared. "Go with India…"

"I can't leave you!" I say my own tears coming into my eyes.

"I'll be ok… they have to investigate and I'll call my father and our lawyers…"

"Christian!" I yell in frustration, this isn't him, this isn't my strong, in control CEO husband.

"Don't let them take India alone. They'll put you somewhere safe. You have all the money in the world so leave the state if you have to while I clean up this mess… but go with our daughter." He is desperate and all I can do is nod.

"Ok." My voice is so small, so vulnerable, so unlike my own.

"Mr Grey if you'd like to come and sit in the police car while we remove India safely from the premises, giving time for your wife to pack…" The officer says. Christian just nods and then kisses my head before following the police officer.

"Taylor… help my wife…"

"We'd prefer it if he didn't." The woman says and I want to scream and cry but Christian just sighs and nods and Taylor follows him to the police car.

I take my keys and unlock the house allowing the woman to follow me into my home. Gail steps out to meet us looking horrified, she obviously knew the police was outside and refused to answer and when Luke rushes to me and hugs me I know he was the one who stopped them taking India when we weren't here.

"I need… I need… I need…" I can't breathe and Gail and Luke instantly take me through to the kitchen.

"Mrs Grey, we'd like to remove you and India Grey in the next hour."

"She is about to go through something extremely traumatic. Now step back and let us sort this."

"I have to remove India and Ana for their safety."

"I am Mrs Grey's personal security. No harm will come to her while she is with me."

"What about when she's not." This woman replies.

Gail brings over a cup of tea for me and I sip it slowly.

"Where's my daughter?" I manage to ask.

"Carrie has her in the panic room." Luke replies, I guess that was his idea. I just nod and take another sip of my tea.

"Mrs Grey, I have to urge you to pack some of your belongings and some of your daughters so we can leave and get you to safety."

"This is where I'm safe. I don't even know your name… who are you to judge me or my husband?"

"My name is Serena Lynnwood and I am a CPS worker." She says slipping into the chair and taking the coffee offered by Gail. "I'll give you all the details I can once we're out of here ok? But right now, to not break the law I need you to be strong and pack a bag for you and for your daughter."

* * *

It takes less than thirty minutes for Luke, Gail and I to pack a small case each for India and I. Serena explained that even with our high priced attorneys it could take a few days before it will be declared safe for India and I to return home and until then we'll need our own stuff.

"Is there somewhere you'd prefer to go?" Serena asks as I finish zipping up India's little case.

"Escala."

"No can do I'm afraid."

"My in laws?" I ask hopefully.

"No but we can have them meet you somewhere. We have to take you somewhere where your husband cannot access you easily. We of course will have police officers stationed wherever you are." Serena is trying to be gentle but I just want to slap her upside her raven head.

"I'll make a reservation for a suite, you're not putting me in some downtown motel you consider safe. I want my security with me and I want my PA to meet us at the location. I WANT MY FAMILY." I am furious and upset and don't want to be messed with.

"I understand that." She says rubbing my arm, I know this woman is doing what she thinks is best but she's wrong so wrong.

"Christian would never hurt me." I tell her and she sighs, she doesn't believe me. "Am I allowed to leave the state?"

"Yes but I'd need to be in constant communication with you."

"That I can do." I reply thinking of all the wonderful places I visited on the Fifty States tour that I could run off to while this mess is sorted out. "Can we please stop to say goodbye to Christian… please?" I ask desperately. Sighing once more Serena gives a small nod as I finally head for the door leaving the closet. "Luke call Hotel One Thousand and make a reservation please, have them get the Grand Suite ready for India and I and book the deluxe water guest room for Carrie and yourself and Hannah if you don't mind sharing a room until I can sort something else."

"Of course Ana, I'll get right on it."

"And get Oreon to drop off the TTS for me there?"

"Will do." He says.

I am trying to stay strong as I go and collect my daughter but it's so hard. Carrie has thankfully packed a small case for herself and helps me take India downstairs. Gail tearily hugs us goodbye and hopes the mess gets cleaned up promising me all my favourite foods when I come home and then it's time to leave.

Once outside I head towards the police car housing my husband and Serena tells the police officer guarding the door to move with a subtle nod of her head. Christian wraps me up in his arms and I break, sobbing into his chest as he kisses me and reassures me everything is going to be ok. How can he possibly know that? How can he possibly think this is going to be ok? Someone has reported him for abusing me and other than kinky fuckery and that time with a belt Christian has never and would never lay a hand on me…

Serena eventually has the police officer restrain Christian and drags me away to the waiting SUV that's not from our fleet. She tries to take India from me but I cling tight to her and buckle her into the car seat myself. She doesn't comment but I know she has stuff to say and I'm guessing she'll tell me when we're safely at the hotel. Luke jumps into the car beside me and Carrie climbs in the front before I see a police car move off in front and glance back to see one behind.

I lean into my security and he holds around me as I sob hysterically. This is a nightmare, it has to be and I'm going to wake up soon right?

We arrive at Hotel 1000 and the manager meets us looking flustered, I of course have spoken to him a few times on the phone and he kindly came out to the house when I asked him to about the ball just over a week ago.

"Mrs Grey, is everything alright?" He asks as a team he has collected gather up the luggage.

"Everything is fine. Thank you for helping in an emergency Mr Cole it is truly appreciated."

"Not to worry Mrs Grey, anything to help of course you're helping this hotel make a lot of money with your event on Friday night and this is a way I can thank you." He says sincerely. "The crib has already been set up in the master bedroom of the Grand Suite and when you're ready the kitchen is waiting on a food order from you, on the house of course."

"Thank you Mr Cole." I reply sincerely as I give his assistant my Black Amex so she can check us in.

"And everything in the mini bar, on the house." He adds, Jesus this man is either licking my ass or really understand that there's a problem and is trying to help the only way he can.

"Thank you again." I reply giving him a warm smile, or as much of one as I can manage.

"Do you know how many nights you'll be staying Mrs Grey?" He asks as he personally escorts us to the elevator.

"No… not yet… could you do me a favour?" I ask him and he smiles and relaxes probably glad to be able to do something to help. "Could you have someone get me a pushchair, it has to have been approved for safety. I don't care about the cost."

"Of course, I'll have Amelia right on it and have it delivered to your suite, anything else?"

"A high chair for the suite would be nice too if possible."

"No problem Mrs Grey."

"I would like to speak with you when we leave the room Mr Cole." Serena says dismissing him from escorting us up in the elevator.

"Of course. I'll wait down here then shall I?" He says and I give him a grateful smile before the doors shut.

"I guess that's what you're used to." Serena says absentmindedly.

"What's that?" I ask too busy trying to keep my daughter calm as she rests on my hip.

"People fawning all over you, making it out you're God's gift."

"It comes with money and fame two things I have that I didn't ask for Serena." I reply dryly. "It gets tiring but at a time like this I'm grateful to people like Mr Cole, he genuinely cared that much was obvious otherwise he wouldn't have been so flustered, he knew something was wrong."

"So he's not worried about this event of yours on Friday night?"

"No. He would probably be better off if I were to cancel though that's not going to happen." I state.

"Hmm." She says obviously thinking I should.

We arrive on the fourteenth floor and exit the elevator to the door already open with a bell boy holding it open for us. I give him a nod and slip him a fifty dollar bill from my purse before going in and settling India down on the mat by the fire.

I'd seen pictures of this room but this is the first time in it. It's stunning all executive yet homely with a stunning view.

"We need to talk." Serena says signalling to the camel coloured plush couch. I sigh and nod before going over to the couch and sitting down. I look at my daughter who has rolled herself onto her front and started to crawl shakily over to me and smile, she is my reason for living, he and Christian and we'll get through this, I know that much.

"Ok, shoot." I tell her as she sits on the arm chair closest to me on a ninety degree angle.

"A complaint was made, an eyewitness complaint about Christian being seen beating you."

I gasp, horrified, that isn't possible! Christian has never ever laid a hand on me outside our sexual interactions and other than the time his parents walked in on us in Escala no one could have possibly seen that.

"Apparently, from what we were told, you were screaming at him to stop, were crying but he kept on beating you and saying that you had to be punished." She continues as tears streak down my face. "We can help you Ana…" I put my hand up to stop her.

"He hasn't… he wouldn't… I swear!" I tell her grabbing her hand, pleasing with her to believe me.

"A police officer will be over tomorrow to take a statement. A police officer or two will be in the lobby all night. I ask you to have no contact with your husband and ask your family not to tell him anything of your situation. I will also be by tomorrow to take a separate statement. Take tonight to think Ana, talk to someone professional if you have to but please, if he is hurting you then you're safe now. We can protect you." I shake my head violently, wishing she'd believe me. "Being in denial is normal, I know you love him are in love with him but love doesn't conquer all Anastasia… this isn't the first complaint of this nature regarding you either… someone reported to the police a DV about you before but the police ignored it as a begrudged former employer of Mr Grey trying to be vicious but now with India involved and the complaint having been made to CPS we have to act by law."

"I understand but doesn't matter what way you put it Serena Christian has never hurt me that way."

Her eyes momentarily widen and I frown at her but the look vanishes almost as quick as it appeared.

"Get some rest Ana and I'll see you tomorrow." She says before getting to her feet.

I just watch her leave, thankful that Luke and Hannah come in just as she goes.

"Ana." Luke says sitting down beside me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders as I sob. Hannah takes India and leaves the room for a moment giving us some privacy, I love how she trusts me and her husband alone together.

"He hasn't… he wouldn't… none of you would stand by and watch me being abused…" I hiccup into his chest as I sob.

"I know, the police will interview us all Ana and you'll soon be home."

"How long is it going to take though Luke, things were only just starting to come back to normal after the book tour, we were happy and settled and everything's been turned upside down again…"

"I know. Listen why don't we order up some food and call Sandra?" He suggest, I love how he suggests getting my shrink involved.

"No call Grace and Carrick and find out if they'll puree some veg for India and just order whatever you guys want but I'm not hungry."

"You have to eat, if not for yourself then for Christian, don't add to his stress Ana." Luke says firmly and I can't help but smile and nod. "Order me whatever, you were on tour with me you know what I like and what I don't. I am going to have a hot shower."

I walk through the huge suite into the gorgeous bathroom. There's a huge bath/hot tub that sits overlooking the beautiful view while a two person shower stands off to the corner.

I find soft white towels and a robe in the closet and lay them on the heating rail, turning it on before switching on the shower, letting it heat up slowly and fill the room with steam. While this goes on I admire my surroundings, trying to keep my mind off what's going on in my life.

The shower also has a spectacular view and being this high up even if you pressed your naked body against it no one would be able to see though I'm sure it's reflective glass and no one could see in anyhow. Everything is beige and black marble, sparkling in the illuminating light surrounding the space, while the darkening sky of Seattle's early spring casts a stunning shadow into the room.

Once in the safety of the shower all my defences are lowered and the pain completely washes over me as the steaming water does. My knees buckle and I collapse to the floor in wracked sobs, hysterical, I can't believe this is happening, after everything we've been through together twenty thirteen was only supposed to be good. Who would do such a thing? Who could possibly even think Christian was abusing me let alone lie and say that they witnessed it?

"Ana?"

I don't know how long I've been here on the floor of the shower but the voice of my darling mother in law suggests it's been a while.

"Two minutes!" I call back quickly shutting off the water and wiping my face with my hands.

Once wrapped up in a towel and robe I step out of the bathroom and into the master bedroom.

"Oh Ana!" Grace jumps off the bed where she'd been sat waiting and wraps me up in her arms.

"He hasn't touched me Grace, who would say such a thing?" I ask her hoping she could give me some answers but knowing that she can't.

"I don't know sweetheart but Carrick is working with Christian and your lawyers trying to get to the bottom of it, we'll get you home soon ok?" She says taking me over to the lounge chair and sitting me down gently. "Now take this." She hands me a large glass of wine. "And let me dry your hair."


	3. Chapter 3

**Love the reaction to the last chapter even if a lot of you guessed who may have said something. I can't wait for the full explanation to come out, as you all know I like the drama to be confusing and everything to make sense at a later date. Looking forward to finding out what you think of this chapter!**

**Wednesday March 20th 2013**

I wake up early with tear stained cheeks and a headache. It took ages for me to fall asleep, the possibilities of people who may have reported Christian to CPS and the Police going through my mind on a loop. I can't believe it, Christian would never hurt me physically only in kinky fuckery and only what I can handle, he'd stop if I safe worded.

After a trip to the gym and an hour and a half running I go back up to the suite and shower before India wakes up. After giving her a bottle of formula I go into the suite to see that the pushchair and high chair has arrived as well as a small basket with toys and a note.

_To Miss Grey, from Hotel 1000_

I smile, glad that someone thought to get India something to play with while we're here and with her content after her bottle I open up a couple of the toys and sit her on the floor to play with them before getting to work.

I check my emails first and I smile sadly seeing one from my husband.

**To:** Ana Grey

**Date:** Weds, 20-3-13, 4:38am

**From:** Christian Grey

**Subject:** Missing you

Ana baby, I miss you so much already. Laying in our bed without you is killing me especially not knowing how long until we'll be reunited. Lawyers are working on it, they're not working by the letter of the law so hopefully you'll be home soon.

Give India a hug and a kiss from Daddy.

Love you.

Christian Grey

_CEO, Grey's Enterprises Holdings, Inc._

The tears spilling from eyes stain my cheeks once more as I type out a reply before putting my laptop away as Hannah, Luke and Carrie appear from their guest suite, I hope they didn't mind sharing a room even if it is two queen beds, with down pillows and Thai bed sheets.

"Ok this morning?" Hannah asks taking a seat beside me. I give her a limp smile, she was there for me on tour when I was homesick too.

"Yeah. Now the police and CPS will be here at some point but then maybe we should leave the state for a few days, anyone any idea where we could go?" I ask thinking of all the beautiful locations I was at on tour that I didn't get the chance to enjoy.

"I really want to go back to New Orleans…" Hannah muses, yes New Orleans, I wish we could have done and see more there.

"Luke can you have the jet sorted for about four please?" I ask and he smiles and nods. "You can both go home and do some packing then if you want."

"I'll go pack for both Luke and I, he's your security Ana you need him right here." Hannah says kindly as she strokes my thigh in a caring manner.

"Thank you." I tell her honestly. I don't think I could do any of this without Hannah and Luke beside me, they're really my little team.

"I can organise a hotel and stuff for us from here." Luke mentions and I smile and nod, I know he wants to be doing something to not feel so hopeless.

"And I'll order breakfast." Carrie decides and I give her a smile and a nod completely approving.

* * *

The breakfast has been cleared away, everyone's dressed and moping around the place when the police and Serena turn up. I want to kick off and make a fuss but I just have to be honest with them and then hopefully we'll be home soon.

We go through to the large sitting room and I offer them some refreshments from the mini fridge opting for a cold orange juice for myself. Before sitting opposite them on the U-shaped couch.

"To make this easier Mrs Grey we're taking a combined statement rather than make you have to go through it twice ok?"

"Ok." I nod swallowing hard, this is going to be extremely uncomfortable and I know that but the only thing I can think of is that someone saw us in midst of kinky fuckery and got the wrong idea completely.

"Right on Monday March eighteenth at around three pm where were you?" The officer ask, he looks intimidating sat on my couch with his tiny notebook while Serena sits there her blue eyes firmly on me with a legal pad on her lap and a parker pen in her hand.

"Ugh I was at home." I reply remembering Christian and I had both come home from work early to be with India.

"And your husband and daughter?"

"Both at home too." I don't waste time in answering.

"How come both you and your husband where at home when you both run very successful companies?" Serena asks interrupting whatever the office was going to ask.

"I missed my daughter. I'd been on tour and arrived home to spend two weeks doing nothing with my husband and child and Monday was my first day back, by midday I was missing my daughter and decided hey I'm the boss I can leave when I want, and so went home." I explain dryly, I want to fight, scream and shout at them that they're insane.

"And your husband?"

"He'd been angry with India that morning and left the house angry, he came home to make it up to her."

"Why was your husband angry with your daughter?" The officer asks and I smile at the memory.

"She sprayed him with barley oats." I chuckle. "He was feeding her breakfast and she blew a raspberry and as he was dressed for work he had to change. He wasn't the slightest bit pleased." I say amused.

"Hmm." Serena hums as she scribbles in her notebook.

"So what did you do that afternoon?" The officer continues looking at me and ignoring Serena beside him.

"We played games all day with India and watched some learning cartoons before it was time for her nap." I reply.

"And while she napped?" Serena wastes no time in asking.

"I spent some time with my husband." I spit knowing where she's going.

"What do you mean by time?"

"Having sex." Yes writing and talking about Fifty Shades has made it far easier for me to talk openly about sex.

"Is that all?" Serena asks. "As it's during the time your daughter napped someone said that Christian was being violent with you."

"He wouldn't! What do I have to do to prove that to you?!" I yell furiously.

"Would you consent to a physical exam?" The Officer asks gently, at least he seems to care, Serena's so dry and acts as if she has a pipe stuck up her ass.

"What's that?" I ask uncertainty creeping into my voice.

"Our medical examiner will examine your body for any bruising and photograph them."

"Fine." I say shrugging.

"Ok we'll organise that for today seeing as I heard you're planning on leaving the state." Serena hisses, I don't like her at all.

"Ok." I nod trying to appear calm, cool and confident. "Can I ask a question?" I ask the officer and he gives a tight smile and a nod. "Why the drastic action of removing us from our home? It can't be customary for the slightest allegation of domestic violence to lead to this."

"There was a complaint from a few months ago that hadn't been investigated and then this was a second complaint, we had to take action."

"So it's nothing to do with the fact that it's probably in today's papers already and it makes you look good that you've reacted to this one complaint?" I ask angrily while Serena looks at me, I glare back wanting to intimidate her.

"We take all threats and allegations seriously Mrs Grey, we wouldn't doing our job if we didn't. You could have stayed at home the court order was to remove the child."

"My child, India, she has a name. As if I would leave her? You do realise when this is done we're coming after you? We're coming after CPS and we will make you pay for this. India needs her home, I need my home, my husband and my family yet you have us stuck here in a damn hotel…" I swipe away at my angry tears.

"Mrs Grey, please understand that we are doing this for your safety and for that of your daughter's, yet it's drastic but I can assure you as soon as we're content that your home is a safe environment for India you can go home." The Officer says sweetly. I give him a grateful thin lipped smile and a nod.

"Has your husband ever laid a hand on your daughter?"

"Never."

"On you?"

"No."

"Where was your team of people when you and your husband were home on Monday afternoon?" Serena is now interrogating me.

"Mr and Mrs Taylor weren't with us because representatives with their adoption before CPS visited the next day. We dismissed everyone else when we got home." I reply with a shrug. "It was family time. We weren't leaving the house so we didn't need security and the Nanny got to go into town and have some time for herself too."

"Ok I think we're done here. Mrs Grey we'll need to talk to the staff who are here, meanwhile I will organise for the physical if you're still consenting."

"If it proves my husband's innocence I will consent."

"Or prove his guilt." Serena says snidely, I really just want to hit her but manage to say nothing, what happened to the caring woman who bought me here last night with my daughter thinking that we were in danger.

I let the officer and Serena go and speak to the staff while I sort out getting India all changed and ready for the day. I grab my phone and disappear into the bedroom to call my husband, I need to talk to him.

"Ana." He croaks on answer.

"Hi baby." I say trying to supress a sob as I look out towards the Puget Sound.

"I miss you." He says sounding so broken, I sniff hard not wanting to cry.

"I miss you too. We'll fix this Christian."

"I know."

"Is there anything in the papers?" I ask having not checked the news.

"Rumours, nothing in stone. Just more people wondering why there were police officers here yesterday, most think it was a kidnapping attempt and you and India have been taken to a safe place into hiding."

"Then we won't correct them." I say thankful that nothing has leaked yet. "Do you have any idea who it was who reported us? Why would someone do such a thing?"

"I know who it was Ana and it's going to take a while but I'll fix it." Christian says, his voice full of promise and I sigh now we know who it is we should go home soon right?

"Well?" I ask impatiently.

"Zachary may have walked in on our kinky fuckery…."

"What the fuck?!" I yell shocked.

"On Monday in the kitchen. He normally comes straight in here from school and he forgot that he was supposed to go to the apartment on Monday. He told the social worker on Tuesday what he saw and she put in the complaint." He explains and I'm gobsmacked, I can't believe it. Poor Zach he shouldn't have been witness to that.

"He was abused Christian, he knew that woman helped saved him when someone was hurting him." I say quietly, Gail confided a lot of Zach's past to me and I'm not surprised the boy told someone what he saw, a part of me is glad he did at least it shows he knows it was wrong for Christian to be spanking me even though let's be fair I wanted it as much as he did.

"I know. He's a little shaken but Gail and Taylor are dealing with it."

"How did you find out?" I ask knowing that Gail and Taylor wouldn't have told him without a proper explanation.

"Gail came to see me. She was putting Zach to bed last night and he told her that he was to blame for making me sad and making you and India have to leave and he said that he wished he hadn't told anyone what he saw. Gail and Taylor are showing him some movies with fighting in it and trying to explain we were play acting he seems to be buying it so far." Christian explains as I move over to sit on the bed. I can't believe all of this heartache going on for both of us but I am so proud of Zachary, if I was really being hurt and unable to speak out he would have been responsible for getting me help.

"How long could it take for us to get home Christian?" I ask him my voice small and timid.

"I don't know baby. I'm sorry I'm working as fast as I can." He promises.

"Ok, listen I'm going to go to New Orleans. I'll be back on Friday for the Gala I just want to get away." I tell him and I hear him sigh.

"Just stay with Luke baby please."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too, we'll fix this Ana." He says and I sigh before hanging up. I can't believe this. I think Christian and I need to remember that we have Zach running around now and we should keep our sex to the bedroom and Escala. I'll tell him this after a session in the playroom to soften the blow.

As I look around the large master bedroom in the suite I can't help but think of the coming weekend, where Christian and I are supposed to share this room, just the two of us and from this room alone I can see we could have some very amazing kinky fuckery. I have a small fantasy about being fucked from behind while pressed up against a window and I really hope this mess will be sorted so that my fantasy can be made a reality.

God I miss him so much. This is worse than any moment I was away because at least when I was on tour I was working. Here I'm in the same city and I still can't see him. I know there would be something said if they knew I called him because they told me not to contact him but I had to call… I just had too.

Deciding to try and waste some time before I go to get the physical exam which will prove that there's not a mark on me, I log into my laptop and emails deciding some work would do me some good.

My mouth falls open after reading the first email. Holy shit this isn't happening. I want to scream, shout and have a party all at the same time but I manage to refrain myself and instead choose to run into the main room where Hannah is sat with Serena and the Officer.

"Ana what is it?" Hannah asks looking at me, I'm too excited to hold it in.

"Fifty Shades and The Animal Hospital series have both been nominated for awards at the International Book Awards!" I squeal as does Hannah, ignoring the people asking her questions she runs up to me and hugs me tight.

"Congratulations Ana, oh my God!" She says clinging onto my arms as we jump up and down like over excited teenagers.

"I just can't believe it… holy hell." I say completely speechless.

"I've said everything I have to say." Hannah says to the officer and Serena before dragging me through to the bedroom, see this is what I like about her, I may be her boss but she's also one of my best friends and we act like that when appropriate. "Right let me see." She says sitting on my bed as if it was hers, up against the pillows, her legs up and she pulls my laptop up onto her lap.

I climb beside her, naturally curling up into her side so I can see the monitor too, she's amazing and I couldn't do half the things I do and have done if it wasn't for Hannah and that's why I don't mind paying for her to have her own Personal Assistant because that way she can pass on some of the work that would keep her in the office when I need her with me. I can't help but snigger every time I think of the eighteen year old girl that Hannah and I agreed on, Molly, straight out of high school she didn't get into University but a six week unpaid internship proved that she was perfect for our team. Personal Assistant to the Personal Assistant of Ana Grey… funny right?

"Ok so Fifty Shades is up for Best New E-Book Fiction, Chic Lit, Romance, The series as a whole is up for Best Romantic Series and Best Chic Lit Series and The Animal Hospital Series you have Christian the Crocodile up for Children's Educational…"

"How it isn't an education book." I reply thinking all this is confusing.

"Well technically it is, for kids in hospital or with family in hospital it teaches them, helps them understand." Hannah replies.

"Then Mia the Mouse is up for Children's Fiction. Then the entire series is up for Best Children's Series Fiction."

"Wow…. That's just amazing."

"Ok so the ceremony is next week Friday at the Waldorf in New York."

"I guess I'm going to New York!" I say excitedly I haven't been to New York since the tour due to Christian not being home to go Christmas shopping there.

"You're going to New York." Hannah smiles.

"Oh you're coming too and Luke, we need a shopping trip I'm going to need a new dress." I say smiling as Hannah takes all the information down into her phone so that she can upload it to the iPad later. It's mad to find out my books are both up for awards. Two complete different genres and this isn't any book awards this is the International Book Awards, one of the biggest book awards in the world, a televised event here in the USA! I can't believe it, I'm in such a state of shock.

Once Hannah's done she closes the laptop and gives me a hug and congratulations. I am ecstatic and for a moment I get to forget everything that's going on in order to really feel proud of myself. Jeez to be nominated for these awards is amazing, I feel like I've already won so I don't care if I don't win, ok winning would be nice but I'm euphoric at just being nominated.

Of course, it isn't long before I'm pulled out of my euphoric state by the appearance of Serena at my door.

"Yes?" I ask nervously.

"We need to go and do the physical exam now." She says now sounding sympathetic, jeez her moods change faster than Christian's!

"Ok." I nod and grab my phone from the side table. "Let's go."

* * *

I didn't expect this. I am literally in a medical suite with a medical examiner. The whole room is cold and uninviting, everything tiled and metallic… medical.

"Ok Mrs Grey…" The Doctor says stepping forward. She seems nice, dark skinned with what I can tell is an afro pulled back into a tight bun with lot of product, she's very pretty even in blue hospital scrubs and a white lab coat.

"Please call me Ana." I say nervously, I'm stood here in my skinny jeans, converse a white tank and a wool cardigan, my arms wrapped around myself, hugging myself trying to make myself feel warm.

"Ana, ok I'm going to make this process as quick and as painless I can alright?" She says softly, sympathetically. I nod, I can't believe I'm doing this.

"Are you ok Ana?" Serena asks touching my shoulder, what happened to the cold hearted bitch back at the hotel.

"I'm fine." I say quietly, I'm anything but fine.

"Ok I need you to step behind that curtain and strip. I need everything off." The Doctor says.

"Everything?" I squeak.

"Yeah, we'll take pictures of any markings or bruising and mark them down on the chart it should take ten to fifteen minutes at most and I'm going to turn the heaters on for you ok?"

"Ok." I nod and then step behind the curtain.

Quickly I pull off all my clothes. There's no mirror for me to check my behind but knowing how rough Christian was with the spatula I wouldn't be surprised if it's still freshly bruised. But I decide at once when they question me I'm going to be honest. I have a very fulfilling kinky sex life, that's nothing to be ashamed of even though I'll have to be careful not to reveal the true extent of that kinkiness.

"Ok." Serena and the Doctor step behind the camera, Serena with the camera in hand and the Doctor with the clipboard.

"If you want to face me first, put your arms out to the side…" I nervously take a deep breath and close my eyes before taking my arms from where they had been hugging myself and keeping my breasts hidden. This is humiliating but it's a small sacrifice to getting this mess cleared up.

I stay as still as possible as the Doctor's latex hands start working into my right arm. She's very gentle but I feel her fingers massaging my skin looking for the slightest discolouring. When she finds a bruise she takes a measuring instrument, holds it up and Serena snaps a photo and marks it on the clipboard.

Ten to fifteen minutes my ass. I have been standing here for what feels like forever when she finally asks me to turn around. I hear two sharp intakes of breaths when my behind is revealed. Oh holy shit.

"Enough." I say turning back to face them. "Christian didn't do to me what I didn't ask him too." I say quietly, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"What do you mean Ana?" Serena asks softly as I cover my breasts up with my arms and cross my legs awkwardly.

"Christian and I have a very… kinky sex life… what Zachary saw… he saw Christian spanking me yes but it wasn't anything I didn't want." I say shaking as I speak, holy fuck this is going to be a mess to clean up.

"Are you telling me that Christian beating you was consensual sex?" Serena asks as the Doctor helps me into a gown quickly giving me back some of my modesty.

"He didn't beat me as you so eloquently put it, it was a spanking, a bit of kinky sex that's all. That's what Zachary saw in the kitchen on Monday." I explain my cheeks burning with embarrassment.

"Ok… well Ana why couldn't you have just said that?"

"You didn't tell us what was seen or who had seen it!" I yell angrily, this woman has taken the final straw of my patience.

"How do you know it was Zachary?" Serena asks.

"That doesn't matter. I know it was and I know exactly what it is he saw. Christian wouldn't lay a hand on me… without my consent."

"Ok well let's get you back to the hotel. We have to get in front of a judge and have the order upturned." Serena says becoming cold again.

"We'll let you change." The Doctor says kindly and I give her a nod and a small grateful smile.

I grab my cell phone and knock call while I change, Hannah answers on the first ring as expected.

"Hannah I need you to arrange two NDA's have on delivered to the medical suite I'm at and have one ready for Serena to sign. If this gets out we're ruined." I sigh, shit in hell.

* * *

Of course it doesn't surprise me the fuss that Serena puts up in the hotel about the NDA but then once I explain to her that I'd take her to court if she spoke of what we did to anyone anyway she signs as a way to prove to us she wouldn't speak of it to anyone. Of course without an NDA I would have a hard time getting her into court for anything but she didn't know that.

Once done we leave the hotel and head for the AG Jet that's waiting for us at Sea-Tac, two nights and Day in New Orleans should be nice. Even if in some way it's pointless flying all the way out there just to have to come back in time for the Gala. Hopefully everything will be sorted in time for the gala and Christian and I can attend without a problem and have the weekend that I planned for us.

I take India from the car seat and climb onto the jet with a heavy heart. I just hope while I'm out of the state everything will be sorted for Christian and I. I'm fed up of feeling like the world is conspiring against us, trying to keep us apart in every way especially with us spending enough time apart as it is.

"Christian." My voice surprises me as I see my husband sat in the booth I always occupy on my jet when flying.

"Hey baby." He smiles.

"What are you doing here?" I ask shocked but pleased to see him.

"The court order doesn't stand out of state, technically it doesn't anyway so as long as we stay out of state until the order is lifted we'll be fine. They're not exactly going to come to New Orleans to get me." He chuckles and I smile, he knew that, that's why he said I should leave the state because he knew he could follow.

I kiss him heavily while he holds around India and I. Now I can relax, let's just hope the court order will be lifted before Friday.


	4. Chapter 4

**I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Ker and Tash roll on August 2013 I can't wait to rock New Orleans with you!**

**Short one only because I'm ill but wanted to give you something small anyhow. **

**Thursday March 21st 2013**

I wake up in my husband's arms in the beautiful penthouse suite of the International House Hotel. I'm finally feeling peaceful being back with Christian now when just twenty odd hours ago our world was being torn apart.

I'm so excited to spend the day in roaming New Orleans with my husband and daughter. I wanted to spend time here on the tour but we were only here one night and my schedule was packed, I barely saw the streets we drove through as we went from one location to the next.

"You think loud." Christian murmurs in my ear.

"I do do I?" I reply turning to face him, he's still half asleep, his eyes shut, his breathing just getting lighter as he wakes.

"Yes. What are you thinking about baby?" He asks pulling me into his chest.

"I was thinking maybe if I get up and get India fed quickly we could go and sit out front for breakfast enjoying the Louisiana sun?" I say drawing patterns with my fingers on his chest.

"Sound's good." He says burying his nose in my hair.

"Then let me go get our daughter up." I say giggling.

He releases me from his hold and I happily go to the travel crib located at the end of the bed. India's already awake, happily gurgling and holding her toes in her hands. She smiles at me when her eyes find me and I can't help but grin back at her, she's my beautiful girl and I love her so much.

"Good morning Indie. Ready for breakfast?" I ask scooping her up and earning a giggle. "Yeah? India's ready for some breakfast?" I coo tickling her stomach and making her bounce on my hip.

"Mamamamama." She says, I know she doesn't realise that her gurgling is her calling me but never mind it always makes me smile.

"Yeah India's Momma's girl all ready for breakfast." I coo and I catch Christian sitting up in bed grinning like a Cheshire cat towards us. "How about Dada takes Indie while Momma goes and gets India's breakfast done?" I coo talking to Christian and India at the same time.

"Come here then." Christian says reaching for her as I pass her over. Once I have my arms free I go through to get India's formula and warm up her iron cereal.

I can't help but think how normal this feels even if we are in New Orleans escaping a court order that says in Washington India can't be in Christian's care. When we go back the court order will be lifted and life can be this normal once more, I can't wait.

* * *

After India's fed Carrie happily takes her to get her dressed leaving Christian and I to dress and go for our own breakfast downstairs. The outside front of the hotel little black tables and arm chair sit on the sidewalk, the spring sun beating down on us from the clear blue sky.

We order some tea and coffee, some breakfast cakes and scones and toast. It so nice and again normal, the press don't know we're here so we believe that we're really going to get the chance to stroll down the street without being bombarded. Luke and Hannah are free to do what they want as is Carrie who has made some plans leaving Christian, India and I to do something together as a family.

"This is nice." Christian says as he sits in front of me looking like a complete Adonis in a white flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, his sunglasses on. Jesus H. Christ my loins quiver at the sight of him, he's good enough to eat and I'm the one who gets to eat him too… later though!

I'm sat opposite him wearing a skirt and shirt by Marc Jacobs, the shirt is sleeveless with tie neckline and buttons, the skirt sits high on the waist with the shirt loosely tucked in made out of silk it falls to the mid-thigh and it's orange, black, grey and brown all mixed. I love it, Christian chose the outfit when we went shopping last night as he didn't bring anything with him just himself. Of course my look is finished off with a pair of nude pumps and too big for my face sunglasses.

"I didn't think nice was a word you entertained." I tease making him give me his boyish smile.

"Very true Anastasia, it's not a word I entertain but it's good enough to explain this." He says signalling across the table to the food and tea, that's fine by me, nice for this… yeah that works. "You look beautiful like this." He says making my eyebrows raise and a smile spread on my lightly glossed lips. "Though I wish I could see your eyes."

"The sun's beating down on my face, these glasses are staying right on bozo." I chuckle making him grin. "Wish I could see your eyes too though I must say Mr Grey you look hot like this." I say teasingly, making him laugh lowly.

"I actually need to talk to you about something." Christian says as I sip at my tea, he looks nervous which makes me nervous, this can't be good.

"Ok, what is it?" I ask putting my tea down on the saucer with a small clatter.

"I acquired a business while you were touring." He says and my eyes widen a little, we don't talk much about business seeing as we're both sort of each other's competition even though on the same level we're not. "It was going under and I thought I could do something about it. Now as you know I like to try and build businesses up and either keep them or sell them on, the idea with this one was to sell it on but the problem is I can't build it up."

"Why not?" The words are out of my mouth before I can stop it.

"Well, because it takes a certain type of star to make a business like this one work." Ok he needs to not talk in riddles! I have no idea what he's going on about. "It's a rundown old record company in Seattle." He says. "I've had some work done on the building and all new equipment. I've also hired a great team to bring the place up but the problem is, they don't have a star to get the brand name out there."

"Ok?" I am so confused.

"They need someone who's already a star to record a song or two, get the label out there and bring some fresh new talent to the label and maybe give birth to a new star through the label and put the label on the map."

"Have you got someone in mind?" I ask relaxing and sipping at my tea.

"Yes." He says nodding and I see his smirk before I hear the next word out of his mouth. "You."

I manage not to perform a spit take and swallow my tea before I gawp at him. He cannot be for real.

"You mean me? Sing?" I ask my voice squeaking.

"Yes you." He says with a smile that says he's got it all figured out. "You're already a worldwide star Ana, get a record out there by you, your fans buy it, gets the label recognised. It's as simple as that."

"You're forgetting something Christian. I can't sing." I say and I know he's rolling his eyes beneath his sunglasses.

"Yes you can. You sing to India and around the house. You've got a beautiful voice." He says as if I should know that without him having to say.

"I can't sing Christian." I say firmly.

"You can sing well enough and with a couple flicks of a switch you could be amazing. I'm not talking about releasing an album here Ana I'm talking about a one hit wonder and then you can go back to doing what you do." I cannot believe he is sitting there propositioning me with this.

"Why me?"

"It's my company and it needs you Ana. I thought it would be something we could do together." He says and that's exactly what he needs to say to give me a guilt trip.

"Together?"

"My company your record. It's win-win." He shrugs.

"And if it flops?"

"It flops and you write another book or do a charity event and everyone forgets about it." It's really that simple for him isn't it?

"What about you? You can sing really well." He looks at me like I've just hissed a bunch of curse words or something. "What?"

"I'm a business man Ana, you're the celebrity." He says and I sigh, I hate the fame that's come with what I do the last thing I want to do is go looking for more of it.

"And what about my plans? I'm waiting to hear from New York about the movie and then there's the marathons…"

"Ok listen to me." He says taking my hand across the table. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to. I just thought it would be a great short cut for the business and keep you in the limelight while you decide what you want to do next with your life. I know you've got the businesses but I know you're considering writing another book and I also know you want to do this movie and have the marathons. It's your choice. I just thought it would be a little project we could work on together but if you don't want to that's fine."

I now feel so horrible for not being happy about this. I understand all his points and it makes me feel selfish to be saying no without really thinking about it. I get that his business could get the attention it needs if I was to do a record with them but I don't sing, Christian might say I can but he's biased right? He would say that he's my husband and I don't want to sing and release a record that has my voice edited to the point it sounds nothing like mine. I don't want to be a singer I never have done but a one hit wonder… could I be that?

"Can I think about it?" I ask and he sighs, his shoulders sagging. "It's not a no Christian. I just need to figure out if I can do this, if I have the strength in me to do one song, I'm no singer and I can't help but think of how everyone was with Fifty Shades, all those interviews I did a lot of them had live music at the end by people who had released a new song. Would I have to do that? Because I don't think I can…"

"Well of course you'd need to do that and of course you can Ana you've done it all before." Christian shrugs, he really doesn't see this as a big deal like I do.

"It's not the same doing interviews and singing are so different. I said I'll think about it and get back to you ok?"

"Fine." Oh he's not happy but I'm not saying yes, not till I've thought about it and I mean really thought about it.

"Now can we talk about something else and not fight today?" I ask sweetly giving his hand a squeeze, and just like that his frown is gone and his boyish smile is back in place.

"So what would you like to do today Ana?"

* * *

So after breakfast Christian, India and I get to do the one thing I have been dying to do since the first time I was here and that is take a trip on a street car. Christian doesn't look too happy and mentions figuring out a way of hiring a whole cart if we come again some other time but I just roll my eyes and tell him a few minutes in a street car with other people won't kill him.

Turns out Christian enjoys the trip more than he thought he would and that makes me smile, I love doing just normal things as a family sometimes without security or anything. Hannah and Luke are doing their own thing and Carrie was more than happy to have some alone time in the New Orleans sun.

"Hmm I'm getting hungry." I say as we head down the street.

"Where do you want to go for lunch?" Christian asks as he pushes India's stroller, damn even pushing a bright pink stroller with a huge sun brolly he looks fuckable.

"I really want to go to the French Quarter." I say and he smiles, I guess we're going to the French Quarter to find somewhere to eat.

We decide to eat at Antoine's on St Louis street, turns out that the French Quarter really isn't a place for kids with tourists already getting drunk and misbehaving though we're left alone I can see Christian is tense as we walk down the sidewalk.

It's a very formal place to dine but we luckily have no problem getting a seat once the name Grey is mentioned.

"It's you they know not me." Christian whispers in my ear making me snigger, does it really matter which Grey got us the table?

We're shown to the back of the restaurant to a small little table for two where we can safely park India's stroller without it being in the way of other diners. I luckily have a bottle made already for India and a jar of pureed fruit and a spoon because I'd be embarrassed to ask them in a place like this for them to warm up any food for her. I don't think this place is often found with babies in attendance.

The décor is old fashioned yet elegant, the section we're in with walls like the red room covered in photographs of some sort.

"This is the mystery room." Christian says. "It got its name from the eighteenth amendment prohibiting the sale of alcohol. They used to slip in through a door in the ladies room and be given a coffee cup of alcohol despite the law." Christian says reading from his phone, I guess he Googled it! "Do you want me to order?" Christian asks as I feed India her fruit. I smile and nod, I wouldn't know where to begin in a place like this, safe leave it to the expert I think!

"Are you ready to order?" A waiter asks dressed impeccably but also like he came from the eighteenth century.

"Can we get two Salade combinaison, and two demi-borderlaise with a bottle of your finest white wine."

"Would sir like the wine menu?"

"No just bring us your best." Christian says dismissively, I guess he's as interested as me in spending the least amount of time here as possible, far too stuffy for the day we're having.

The food of course is delicious and beautifully presented going perfectly with the wine selected apparently by the chef. We pay our bill and leave a hefty tip before leaving, not bothering to stay for a dessert deciding that ice cream from a street vendor would be more up our street today.

India falls asleep as we catch a cab from the French Quarter to City Park to spend the rest of our afternoon.


	5. Chapter 5

**I cannot for the life of me describe Ana's dress in this chapter to perfection so I recommend you go to neiman Marcus website and check it out. It's Oscar De La Renta floral sequin v neck gown at 11490.00 dollars. I'd look at it as soon as I've described it on this so you have the image in your head for the rest of the chapter. I think having the visual is amazing.**

**Friday March 22nd 2013**

"I know you wanted to do and see more." Christian says as I finish packing up our things.

"It's ok. I can't wait to get back to Seattle Christian and we have the Ball tonight and I need to go and find a new dress." I say quite nervous about tonight, this is my event I'm not just attending this one.

"I thought you'd bought a dress already." Christian frowns.

"I had done but I was thinking of keeping that one for the awards next week instead seeing as it's a televised red-carpet event." I reply hoping he won't question me too much but of course I don't get my wish as Christian's relentless.

"Well why can't you buy a different dress for next week?" He asks.

"Because I'm not spending another twelve thousand dollars on a gown." Christian spins to look at me in shock.

"You spent twelve thousand dollars on a dress?"

"It's an Oscar de la Renta and it was a treat for myself for a job well done on the book tour." I say with a shrug, it was my money and it was a small gift for myself, I don't have to explain myself to Christian.

"Twelve thousand dollars?" He asks again and I shrug once more. "Wow I never thought I'd see the day." He smiles.

"What do you mean?" I ask taking the suitcase over to the door.

"I mean I've struggled to get you to spend our money." He says coming over and wrapping his arms around my waist. "Looks like you're making up for it."

"For a start, it wasn't the joint that I used so even though what's mine is yours it was my money, it was a treat I bought myself because for once I felt like I deserved it and when I saw the gown, the money wasn't an object. I had to have it."

"I'm proud of you." He smiles before kissing my lips. "But I don't think we're going to have time for you to go shopping. Why don't you wear that gown tonight and I'll buy you one for the awards ceremony."

"I don't know if I'll find one I like as much for the awards ceremony thought." I explain as he continues to hold me close.

"Maybe you will, maybe you won't, but what I do know is you'll look amazing." He says before kissing me. "Now baby we have a plane to catch."

I kiss him softly before finally letting go and smile, I can't wait to get home.

* * *

Christian was right, I don't have time to go shopping for a dress for tonight so while we settle India with Carrie for the night Taylor and Gail help get everything in the car ready to go over to the hotel where we'll be getting ready, Gail and Hannah are both on the board of the Charity along with me.

Arriving at the hotel we're shown up to the presidential suite and this time I can relax stepping in knowing that Christian is with me, even if in a few minutes he'll be disappearing downstairs and I'll be joined by all the ladies to get ready.

When Franco and Melissa and their team arrive followed by Kate, Mia and Grace Christian kisses me goodbye and heads down to meet the men in the executive suite where they'll be getting ready.

"Christian wants me to record a song." I blurt out as the girls begin discussing some new song that's out they both like.

Everyone stops and turns to me, their mouths open in shock.

"Ana that's so cool you could totally be famous!" Mia squeals making me raise my eyebrows at her and earn her a smack across the shoulder from Kate.

"She's already famous Mia." Kate says firmly making me laugh.

"I mean more famous than she already is. Oh Ana that's so cool are you going to do it?"

"I don't know. I never thought I could sing but Christian says otherwise." I say with a shrug. "And I don't want to be any more famous thank you very much." I add earning a chuckle from everyone.

"What would it mean for you career wise if you did it?" Grace asks sitting down on the couch beside me.

"Well I was quite firm with Christian that I didn't think it a good idea and he mentioned something about doing a one hit wonder." I say earning a hit off Kate. "What's that for?" I ask rubbing my shoulder.

"You can't be a one hit wonder Ana! That would be like career suicide!"

"Kate!" Grace scolds.

"I don't know guys I've never been interested in a singing career, I'm waiting to hear from New York about Tess… I just don't know but Christian really wants me to do this."

"That's not like Christian. Unless he really believes it could be where your future lies. Have you ever displayed a wish of going into music?" Grace asks running her hands through my hair.

"No and the problem isn't that I don't think I can sing anymore either. Christian would never let me make a fool of myself like that it's everything that comes with being a singer it's the music videos the recording and the performing."

"You may not know this Ana but the performing aspect you're a natural." Gail says sitting beside me on the other side making me look at her in complete surprise.

"Where do you get that from?" I ask chuckling.

"Your book tour." She says. "Every time you stepped out from behind that curtain to meet your fans you were performing even though you didn't know it."

"Maybe but… that's not dancing."

"Maybe not, but maybe you won't need to dance. Most of these stars don't really dance, they just wiggle their backsides and move their arms while they sing." She says laughing.

"If you want my advice Ana, as the person who has been by your side for nearly two years now I think you should go for it. What's the worst that can happen? The song flops and you go back to business and books." Hannah says stepping forward, I'm sat here now wishing that I didn't bring this subject up at all.

"That's exactly what Christian said." I say shivering as I know I'm going closer and closer to saying yes.

"Then there you go, you have no reason to say no." Grace chuckles as Franco comes to collect us to start getting me ready.

"So come on spill, what happened with you and India? No one told us a thing." Kate says as soon as I'm being attended to by Franco.

"There was a domestic abuse report filed and CPS came with a court order to remove India." I explain, everyone in the room have signed very thorough NDA's so it's ok to talk openly about it.

"What the hell?" Mia squeals right in my ear making me flinch.

"Exactly but we had to let them take her and because the abuse claim was Christian against me they let me go with her." I explain with a sigh. "It was a false claim and it's been cleared up."

"But who would do such a thing?" Mia asks and I shrug, no need to tell her exactly what happened.

"So where have you been for the past few days?" Kate asks as she sips away at the champagne I had bought up for us.

"I came here first, they weren't placing us in some dingy downtown motel." I say in disgust, it's what would have happened if I hadn't taken control of the situation at least I was lucky to have the funds to afford this luxury of the presidential suite in an emergency. "Then we met Christian on the plane and went to New Orleans basically being fugitives because the court order at the time was still active here but it was lifted last night making it safe for us to come home."

"Ok enough of this depressive talk." Hannah announces coming in with her iPod in hand. "Let's get this party started." She says with a smirk making us all whoop and holler.

Once Franco and Melissa have worked their magic on my hair and face everyone helps me get into my twelve thousand dollar Oscar De La Renta gown. It's stunning with a plunging v-neck, sequin floral embroidery, mock collar, cap sleeves, seemed waist with a mermaid skirt and train finished off with a pair of Jimmy Choo diva crystal cutout sandals.

My hair is pulled back into a tight pony tail, my cheeks dusty rose and pronounced, my lips peachy and my eyes just amplified the blue sparkling. In my ears my second chance diamonds but no other jewellery necessary for this night other than my wedding, engagement and eternity rings which I will not take off for anything. Wow I look good and at approximately fifteen thousand dollars for the entire look I should!

"Wow Ana!" Mia says when they all step back and let me turn around to face them.

"You look … hot." Kate goes with making me smile.

"You look so elegant darling." Grace smiles kindly and I smile and look back at myself in the mirror, oh I do like how I look I must admit.

"Christian's not going to know what hit him." Gail smiles as I gently smooth my hands down my dress.

I look at everyone else who aren't ready yet. I need to go down and check on the final preparations while they finish dressing. I give them a nervous smile and Kate passes me my gold sequined clutch bag that contains my speech and the rest of the details for tonight before she encouragingly pushes me towards the door.

"I'll see you all down there." I say with a nervous giggle before I slip out, now's my chance to make sure that everything is ready for tonight.

I take the elevator down to the ground floor, not surprised to have it to myself the entire way down. When I step out of the elevator on the ground floor I feel the rush of energy coming from all the hotel workers who are rushing around trying to get the final details ready.

Mr Cole is yelling at someone just in front of the reception desk and I can't help but feel a little uncomfortable, I guess he's as nervous as I am for tonight because I know this event could bring him a lot of business and future events. He's even put in a weekend stay with golfing and Spa treatments for the auction which I'm very grateful for. The auction is going to be broken down into segments we have that many gifts.

"Ah Mr Grey!" He says dismissing the person he was talking to and stepping towards me. "Might I say you look spectacular." He says as he holds my hands before awkwardly giving me the two expected air kisses.

"How's everything coming along Mr Cole?" I ask as he steps back out of my space.

"How about I show you Mrs Grey? I hope you will tell us if something isn't up to your standards or expectations."

"You can count on it Mr Cole." I say feeling the all-powerful CEO right now.

"Good, then right this way." He says with his hand.

We start off at the Great Room which is where the meal and auction will take place this evening. The projector is already in place with my slide show ready to go. It doesn't look anything like the room I visited when I came to discuss having this hotel as a possible place for my event.

The walls and windows are covered in black chiffon drapes with gold chiffon breaking them all up. The ceiling is also covered in black chiffon which has the small ceiling lights dim through them crating a golden glow. The larger ceiling lamps are gold anyway which works well, just outside of the chiffon just as I had envisioned.

Each round table is set with gold table covers and black seat covers with gold ribbon like at some wedding. Amazing black and gold sprayed floral arrangements stand tall not overpowering but obvious on each table. Small nametags sit in each space according to the seating plan that Hannah and I created which is also on the board outside the room ready for when the food is ready to be served and small little gift bags of chocolates ready for the guests to slip into their purses and pockets. Gold glitter and sequins just lightly dashed on each table finishing off my black and gold visionary.

"This is… exactly what I imagined and more Mr Cole." I breathe as I look around the room once more. In a couple of hours this room will be filled with approximately three hundred people and I am so nervous yet so excited.

"I'm pleased to hear it Mrs Grey, now how about the outdoor terrace?" He asks signalling the way.

The outdoor terrace is bigger than the name sounds. It's going to be where all the dancing takes place and where the band will be playing. I step through the door following Mr Cole out and I am hit by the most beautiful sight in the world. The black and gold I less in this room having agreed to go for a white and gold theme as not to overpower people with darkness.

The white chiffon drapes cover all four walls but are pulled back at the entrance tied with gold ribbon. Large gold exotic plants are placed strategically near the door and in the other corners while the band have one corner to themselves. The roof is doted in white and gold Chinese lanterns.

"It's perfect." I exhale so happy that it's been done so well.

"Ok and then of course Studio One thousand has been left as it is for you just as asked." Studio one thousand is where everyone will be directed beforehand for drinks.

"Ok then I guess we're ready." I smile excitedly. "I'm going to hunt down my husband Mr Cole, keep up the good work." I tap his shoulder as I walk by and head back to the elevators to go to the executive suite to get Christian. We need to be downstairs when the first guests arrive even if no one else is ready.

I nervously knock on the door of the suite and wait for it to be answered. I shift awkwardly in my dress, it feels heavy and restrictive at the moment.

"Ana." Carrick smiles when he opens the door looking very dapper in his tuxedo.

"Carrick." I smile back letting him take my hands and kiss my cheeks.

"You look breath-taking."

"I was about to say the same thing." I turn my head to see Christian stood in his custom made tuxedo looking amazing.

"Hi." I say feeling shy in front of Carrick.

"Hi." He says back stepping towards me and kissing my cheek softly, just a brush of his lips. "I don't think breath-taking is even close to describing how amazing you look."

"Thanks, you look very handsome Mr Grey." I say brushing an imaginary piece of fluff from his collar. He has a gold pocket hanky so he matches me some and I can't help but think it cute, maybe I should have persuaded him to wear a gold bow tie but I doubt he would have agreed.

"Shall we go downstairs?" He asks.

"I'd like to see my Dad and Bob first." I say and He smiles and takes me through to one of the bedrooms.

Both men are looking amazing in their expensive suits. I know Christian got the made because he wanted tonight to be perfect for me. I hug them both before finally letting Christian take me downstairs.

Mr Cole greets us off the elevator with two glasses of champagne and lets us know the photographers outside are asking for our picture. I give him a grateful yet dismissive nod and have Christian take me outside for the pictures.

Of course we've hired two of our own photographers who will be taking photos inside on arrival and around during the night for the charity website and of course people will be able to order pictures. It's no surprise that there are a few members of the press there especially with the apparent kidnap threat they believe in.

Christian and I pose together and smile with our champagne flutes before going inside and having a photo with our own photographer. I can't wait to have another photograph of us to display in our home.

We go through to Studio 1000 to await our first guests and as we stand around waiting I look at my husband.

"If I said yes to your proposal what would happen next?"

"Proposal?" He asks sceptically, I struggle not to roll my eyes because with the small collection of toys we've bought from home it's already going to be a very kinky weekend and I don't need to give an excuse to Christian to spank me.

"You know to sign as an artist with your company."

"Oh Grey Records yeah uh… well… one of the song writers has already written a song with you in mind and the music has already been created so it would be a case of getting you into the lounge to learn the song then in the studio to record it then I believe promotional photo shoot and record the music video then release it to the radio stations and on MTV and the likes, promote the single and then watch it sell." He says and I smile. "Are you telling me you'll do it?"

"On one condition." I say my finger signalling the one and he cocks his head waiting for me to elaborate. "You're involved in some way, either playing piano or in the video or something."

"Ok. I'm sure we can come up with something. It can't be piano as the song is very upbeat but there is an acoustic version for the single and maybe we can do it with piano instead of guitar."

"Fine." I say and kiss him. "Then I think I'll do it."

"You think?"

"No I will. One song… what's the harm?" I shrug and he smiles before he kisses me.

Our family join us before anyone else arrive and even though it's barely half past the hour I'm getting nervous that no one will show up. I've read my speech too many times and have drunk far too much champagne for Christian's liking though not enough for my own. I won't drink anymore now and happily order a diet coke at the bar to sip while I wait.

Thankfully by quarter to eight people start arriving and Christian and I wonder around greeting our guests and mingling, surprisingly by eight pm almost everyone is here and happy. I'm nervous, beyond nervous because in a minute we'll be going through to the great room and I'll have to do my speech and stuff. The Hors D'oeuvres are enjoyed as is the champagne and I get to relax just that little bit more.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, if you'd now like to make your way through to the great room, dinner will be served momentarily. Thank you." Mr Cole announces, I had him do the master of ceremonies rather than have to find someone. He was more than willing so it was one less things to organise.

Christian and I along with the family hang back allowing other people to go and find their seats in the vast room. It will take a while for them even with a lot of the hotel workers helping people out. Each table holds ten people and then after finding their table they have to find their seat. With Grace's help I hope that I haven't put anyone who isn't on speaking terms at the same table, the high society can be a very bitchy place.

Once everyone has started to sit down we go through to our two tables right at the front. Christian, me, Grace, Carrick, Bob, Ray, Hannah, Luke, Gail and Jason are all sitting at a table together with no Marge tonight due to work commitments it made sorting out the seating quite easy because it would have been difficult finding someone for Bob to sit beside to make the ten.

"Ok?" Christian asks as I place my purse down and take a sip of the child water that's already been served.

"I'm nervous." I say with a small giggle.

"You'll be fine." Christian says giving my hand a small squeeze, all I'm doing at the moment is going up to thank everyone for coming and telling them to enjoy their meal. The speech isn't until after the food.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, your hostess for this evening. Ana Grey." Mr Cole announces and a polite applause ripples around the room while all the males at our table stand, Christian helping me to my feet and kissing my cheek.

I nervously step up and take the mike from Mr Cole receiving an awkward kiss on the cheek but I smile anyway.

"Well ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your attendance here this evening for Carla's Cancer Trust. I'd like to say a quick thank you to Mr Cole and his team here at hotel one thousand for making this evening happen and taking my vision and turning it into this, it's amazing and I have high hopes for the rest of the evening. After dinner I'll give you a small insight into what our charity does and then we'll proceed with the auction. So enjoy your meal everybody."

I step down to another polite round of applause and quickly take to my seat. The food comes out as soon as my backside hits the seat and for that I'm thankful because I can breathe easy for now.

To start we have roasted beef salad with candied pecans, rogue river blue cheese and sherry vinaigrette. At five hundred dollars per ticket for this event people will be getting their money's worth if it's the last thing I do.

As we eat the conversation flows around the table. It keeps me smiling and relaxed and I'm thankful that I have Grace, Hannah and Gail. I couldn't have kept up with the men's conversation if I'd tried!

We have a sorbet in between the food, it's nice to have a break from heavy meals. When the entrees of apple glazed king salmon, bacon and thyme vinaigrette are served everyone seems to have relaxed and are enjoying themselves and me included.

Once the entrée is cleared away and dessert is served the room is alive and filled with a happy easy going atmosphere.

Once the food is beginning to get cleared away I give Christian a small kiss before I make my way to the podium. Mr Cole turns the pictures of Mom that was going on a loop on the projector off and turns my presentation on, handing me the remote control. The room quietness down at once and I can't help but smile.

"Well now that everyone's fed I think it's time we got down to the cold hard facts of why we're here tonight." I say knocking the button so the slide changes from plain black to a picture of Mom with the logo of our charity. "Meet Carla." I say my voice shaking just a little bit, unnoticeable to most but those who know me. "Carla, my Mom, died of cancer on the Tenth of March two thousand and twelve. It's been over a year and though it gets easier the pain… it doesn't go away, it doesn't fade and that's why I started Carla's cancer trust." I knock a button and the picture changes to one of the board wearing t-shirts we had made with the logo on the front and our names on the back for a publicity shoot we did for the website. "This is the board, together we work on events like this one to raise money for our charity." I knock another button and the picture changes to one of the families we're currently working with.

"Currently Carla's cancer trust is working with fifty three families across the United States. We provide counselling services for the families and help them relive some old memories with their terminal family members giving them lasting memories of their loved one." I flick through a couple of pictures the families have sent us from their holidays. "We make sure they get the best medical care, see the best specialists, and have a real diagnosis. We've been surprised to see some doctors have given up on people that could be saved. This is Loredana." I show a picture of a fourteen year old girl with beautiful long blond hair and dazzling blue eyes. "Loredana was given just a year to live in September two thousand and twelve, now in March two thousand and thirteen Loredana is in remission and is looking to live as long a life as you or me. The money we raised, the money you raised, helped us provide Loredana with a Hodgkin's Lymphoma specialist who performed lifesaving surgery."

"Just one hundred and fifty dollars can give a family of four a two hour counselling session with a cancer specialist. To many of us in this room one hundred and fifty dollars is merely loose change in our back pocket. To these people one hundred and fifty dollars is just a percentage of the next round of chemotherapy. Five thousand dollars can give a family of four their dream holiday with their loved one before they pass. For you or me, five thousand dollars is a nice evening gown or a custom made suit and shoes." I flick to another picture, this one of a family grieving, I don't mention it's my family, I let them decipher it for themselves. "Cancer devastates families and it doesn't end when the suffer is dead because the suffering goes on. We're hoping that the money raised tonight will allow us to double the amount of clients on our rota, sending more families away to create memories, giving the families the support they need during their difficult time." I flick the picture again and it's just a thank you message.

"In April myself and Hannah will be flying to London where we will take part in the annual marathon raising money for Carla's Cancer Trust and Cancer research UK. We have been training for the past six months or so getting ready to run twenty six and a half miles, details of sponsoring our run is available on the charity website. I have an envelope here that Molly gave me a couple of days ago and this details how much money we have been sponsored so far. I will tell you that we are aiming to raise ten thousand dollars in sponsorship which is a big goal… ready Hannah?" I look over at her and she gives me a shy thumbs up as I open the envelope. My hands are shaking as I take the card out and I know everyone is waiting with bated breaths. "Six thousand seven hundred and eighty nine dollars and seventy seven pence." I say turning the card around.

There's a massive round of applause crackling around the room as I smile at Hannah and she grins back. With a month to go until the marathon I wonder if we can raise another four thousand dollars.

"Thank you very much for coming tonight, thank you for listening to me and now it's time for me to hand back to your master of ceremonies Mr Cole, get those wallets out and your check books and get ready to dig deep." I say before leaving and happily taking my seat.

Mr Cole thankfully is a natural at being the master of ceremonies. He introduces the first item which happens to be a week stay at my house London and I am happy when it goes for four thousand dollars, which isn't bad when it includes flights on the AG jet too.

I lose count after a while and I see everyone getting bored after a while because there are so many gifts to get through. Thankfully though we keep the flow of wine going and towards the end drunken bids are made that make me smile such as someone giving twenty thousand dollars for a trip in Charlie Tango and the next person doubling it to forty thousand. I don't doubt that these people can afford it and I will have fun watching them sign the checks.

After the auction is done everyone is told to go to the Outdoor Terrace to enjoy the live music and dancing. I am giddy when Christian pulls me off to open the dancing because now I really get to just relax and enjoy myself.

The band kick us off with a modern song chosen by Christian for this moment, I won't give up by Jason Mraz. He literally sweeps me off my feet as he holds me tight to him and just sways with me as he begins to sing to me quietly.

_When I look into your eyes_

_It's like watching the night sky_

_All the beautiful sunrise_

_Oh there's so much they hold_

_And just like those old stars_

_I see that you've come so far_

_To be right where you are_

_How old is your soul_

He then finally moves us from the spot, my feet naturally following his as he leads me into easy turns, though he continues to sing while smiling at me and I just smile at him.

_Well I won't give up on us_

_Even If the skies get rough_

_I'm giving you all my love_

_I'm still looking up_

The rest of the charity board come onto the floor with their partners but I'm too lost in Christian to notice or care.

_And when you're needing your space_

_To do some navigating_

_I'll be here patiently waiting_

_To see what you find_

My husband is very romantic and for once he's showing it to everyone. I can feel eyes on us around the room but I only have eyes for the man in front of me ash he continues to guide my two left feet around the dance floor

_Cause even the stars they burn_

_Some even fall to the earth_

_We got a lot to learn_

_God knows we're worth it_

_No I won't give up_

He pulls me close and I lose my self in his scent and his voice as he continues to sing quietly in my ear. This is where I belong and I know that. I don't know why Christian chose this song for our first dance tonight, I gave him the choice simply because he's better at music than me, I'd probably choose something that we couldn't actually dance to or something completely inappropriate.

_I don't want to be someone_

_Who walks away so easily_

_I'm here to stay to make _

_The difference that I can make_

Christian is famous for choosing songs that speak what he can't find the words to do. I'll always keep my Christian playlist and ass to it as the years past. I can understand why he chose this if that's the case. Or at least I think I know what he's saying.

_Our differences they do a lot to teach us_

_To use the tools and gifts we got yeah_

_We got a lot at stake_

I mean through everything we're still here and he's telling me he won't give up or maybe he's not telling me and telling everyone here. It's not been a perfect new year like we'd hoped but it's been good and I look forward to making it to two years married.

_And in the end you're still my friend_

_At least we did intend for us to work_

_We didn't break_

_We didn't burn_

_We had to learn_

_How to bend without the world caving in_

_I had to learn what I've got _

_And what I'm not_

_And who I am_

I'm lost to him, and I hope he knows that I'm also never giving up on us. I couldn't even if I wanted to because I didn't just give my heart to Christian, I gave him my soul too. He owns me and if he still wanted a submissive and not a wife I think it's come to the point in life that I would be his submissive no questions about it, though I know in my heart Christian doesn't want a submissive, he loves me the way I am.

_I won't give up on us_

_Even if the skies get rough_

_Giving you all my love_

_Still looking up_

_Still looking up_

_I won't give up on us_

_God knows I'm tough, enough_

_We've got a lot to learn_

_God knows we're worth it_

_I won't give up on us_

_Even if the skies get rough_

_I'm giving you all my love_

_I'm still looking up_

We dance the night away until we have to be around to say goodbye to those leaving early. I'm excited though when it's announced that it's time for the fireworks I also have a small surprise for the guests which they'll learn as they step outside into the beautiful garden.

"Ladies and gentlemen before the fireworks begin we'd like to announce that tonight you generous people have raised two million five hundred thousand six hundred and fifty dollars!" Mr Cole announces. I'm gobsmacked and tears fill my eyes. That's three times more than what we did in New York! Hannah hugs me side on and I hug her back feeling so proud.

The fireworks are set high above our heads, no one can possibly see where they're coming from and they last about twenty minutes before the hotel workers come out with bright pink helium balloons and begin passing them around. There's a notecard and pens going around too and everyone seems to get the idea.

I take my pen and balloon and hold it tight as I write_… I miss you Mom… I hope tonight you were proud. Ana xx_

Once the cards were sealed we let go of the balloons and a huge round of applause goes around as we watch them go. I'm in complete awe and as we watch the balloons become smaller and smaller I start feeling the length of the night.

"Ready for bed baby?" Christian asks slipping his jacket over my shoulders.

"We have to say goodbye to people first." I sigh because I'm more than ready for bed.

"I don't think anyone would think badly of you if you skipped out, come on you're exhausted and I have plans for you tomorrow starting first thing."

I smile skipping out is a really good idea because I can't wait for tomorrow.


	6. Chapter 6

**Saturday March 23rd 2013**

Oh there are definitely worse ways to wake up. With no concept of time I'm jolted from sleep by a shuddering orgasm caused by Christian's tongue.

"Good you're awake." He grins popping from beneath the duvet as I lay panting against the pillow.

"How couldn't I be with a wakeup call like that?" I reply breathlessly.

"Smart mouth already Mrs Grey, that's a no-no but I am now happy to start your day with a spanking." He grins at me and I melt, how could I ever refuse this man?

I push myself up as he parks himself on the side of the bed and without being asked or told in this case I crawl forward and lower myself over his lap. There's an advantage to going to sleep naked.

"Oh Ana, how you're making my morning." He says fondling my ass, I can only moan in satisfaction myself. "Shh, now is not the time for noises from you Mrs Grey." He says before giving me the first spank.

Fifteen spanks later and he's satisfied that my behind is pink enough for him.

"You hit like a girl." Slips out of my mouth before I can stop it and earns me a very painful swat across my behind that has me yelping like a cat whose tail has been stepped on. I didn't mean it but damn TPE is definitely what we're doing today…

"Oh Jesus Ana that smart mouth of yours…" he says, oh holy shit this is really Dom Christian, my husband's gone and I am actually now terrified.

"I was joking!" I squeal as he spanks me once again.

"Oh were you?" He asks giving me another hard one, Ouch this hurts but oh my God I'm so wet for him right now and I'm enjoying this.

"Yes!" I mewl loudly.

"Do you think it was funny?" Another wallop.

"No!" I yell out.

"Will you say anything like it again?" Yet another.

"No."

"Good." One more to finish and my ass is on fire. "Now you'll have to keep that smart mouth of yours in check Anastasia." He says lifting me off his lap. "You're not permitted to wear any clothes today and I am going to seriously enjoy punishing you for every one of your misdemeanours.

"Yes Sir." I say looking at the floor, oh this is going to be fun because I want to be punished, I know he'll keep within my limits or push them just enough.

"Now I'm going to order us breakfast, wait for me in the bathroom." He says dismissively as he stands and tugs on his boxers. Without even looking at him I head into the bathroom with a hidden smile.

I get into the bathroom and hoping to please Christian I kneel down as I would in the playroom and wait.

… and wait

… and wait.

Finally after what feels like forever he comes in and starts the shower not even acknowledging me which really hurts my feelings. Oh shit, this is a new punishment and I really don't like it.

Once the water's running he comes to stand in front of me. All I can see is his bare feet… his very sexy bare feet. His hand wraps up in my hair and he pulls down causing my head to lift up, it's rough but not too rough.

I find my mouth is in perfect line with his hard member and I'm salivating at the thought of what he's about to do.

"Open wide." He grins and I know my eyes sparkle as I do what he says.

He fucks my mouth. Hard, relentless, I barely catch a breath as he unleashes his assault on me.

"This should teach that smart mouth of yours a lesson Ana." He grunts while inside I'm laughing, yeah right if this is punishment I'm going to let a few more smart remarks loose today.

He soon comes in my mouth, his salty liquid dripping down my throat making me swallow hard, taking each and every drop.

"Good girl." He says withdrawing. "Now let's shower." He says offering me his hand.

Once under the hot water we have a platonic shower, not that I mind. I know that today is going to be full of kinky sex so twenty minutes just being washed by my husband is just nice.

After the shower he dries me and leads me to the dining table where breakfast is served. He sits me at one place still naked and then leans over me, his breath warm on my face.

"Don't touch anything. If you do you'll be punished." He whispers in my ear, his voice full of promise.

I watch him leave and sigh. It's hard to sit still I'm not a sit still kind of person and I guess by don't touch anything he meant the food so just moving my fork back to place doesn't count right?

Wrong!

"Anastasia didn't I tell you not to touch anything?" Christian asks coming back into the dining room wearing those jeans… his playroom jeans!

"Yes Sir." I say bowing my head, oh I feel stupid now.

"Kneel beside my chair." He growls and I can't get out of my seat fast enough. I kneel beside the chair as he slides into it and I close my eyes to take a deep breath, what have I done?

Turns out this may be a fantasy of Christian's. He serves himself some breakfast and in between taking bites he feeds me with his finger as if I'm his pet, stroking my hair and calling me a 'good girl'. I actually find this fun, I feel cared for and cherished by my husband even more.

I don't know how much I ate but when I'm full Christian seems satisfied that I've eaten enough.

"Go to the bedroom, kneel beside the bed." He says getting to his feet. I don't hesitate in doing as he's ordered.

I'm not left waiting long and thankfully this time he doesn't ignore me coming straight over to be and braiding my hair.

"Now Ana." He says pulling my head back by the braid. "Are you ready to fulfil your fantasy?"

"Yes Sir." I reply already excited. I told him about this fantasy in an email during the tour when a group of my fans had been hanging outside the hotel and I could see them with posters from my window.

"Then come." He says taking me over to the huge window.

He places my hands on the window, palms flat, spreads my legs before he begins kissing my shoulder blade and down my back, fondling my sore behind.

"Imagine that people can see you Ana, that people are watching you naked." He whispers making me quiver, that's sort of exciting even if it does make me blush down to my toes.

Christian finally takes me, his member filling me, my head falling back against his shoulders as his hands assault my breasts and clit. I'm at his mercy as I drop my head forward against the glass, letting it steam up, I know my hand prints will be there when he finally lets me step away from the window.

"Christian… I need to come…" I pant as he rocks into me hard, his balls slapping against my thighs in the most delicious fashion.

"Come Ana." He commands and I do, I don't think I could have held it back if I tried.

Christian doesn't come. His hands find my nipples and he tweaks them harder than I think he's ever tweaked them before, Jesus I think he's making up for lost time. I don't mind though, I'm actually enjoy him being in control, not having to think about anything just submit to him.

My forehead falls against the cool glass, sweat dripping down my face, my bangs sticky on my forehead… was there any point in having a shower?

I'm building again. Christian's speed picks up even more, I know his teeth are gritted and he grunts with each heavy thrust, I know he's close but I think he's holding off.

"Christian…" I call as he tweaks my nipple again.

"Come for me Ana." He spits, I feel his saliva hit the back of my neck in a tiny shower just before I explode. I see stars dancing on front of my eyes as I feel his seed spurt inside of me. "Good girl." He says as I collapse heavily against him, completely lost in sub space. "Now." He picks me up in his arms while I float high, loving the sensations running through me.

Gently he places me on the four poster bed and goes over to the case he lay on the dresser last night. I'm too dazed to pay much attention to him, hoping that this high stays a little longer than usual because I hate the come down.

"What are the safe words Ana?" Christian asks as he steps to the bed.

"Yellow and Red Sir." I reply dizzily.

"Good girl." He says stroking my leg softly.

He then reveals the bondage rope from behind his back and I smile as he ties my legs, one ankle to each post of the bed, my ass just hanging off the edge. He then takes a second rope, wraps it repeatedly around my wrists and then pulls them up straight over my head before tying it tight to the headboard. With my legs bent open and my arms stretched long I wriggle a little bit to test my restraint… yeah, perfect as always.

"Now as you're in subspace I will take this gentle ok?" He says stroking my pussy with his fingers.

"Yes Sir."

"This is a paddle whip." He says picking up an object from the bed.

It is a long straight paddle, a little thicker than a ruler and the width of a ruler. It's covered in black leather and looks quite flexible.

"I am going to spank your sex with this Ana." He says smacking it against his hand. It makes a crack as it contacts with his skin and my sex clenches as I flinch, Christian's hand clenching and opening. It sounds painful. "Please safe word if it's too much. I don't have much idea what this is going to feel like on an oversensitive clit." He looks into my eyes, begging me without words. I nod, silently promising him. "Make as much noise as you want, scream, shout, cry, I will only stop if you safe word."

"Yes Sir." I nod quivering in anticipation and fear.

"I will start gently." He says climbing on the bed and kneeling beside me. "I have tied your hands so you want feel the need to stop the pain by pressing your hand to yourself, tied your legs so you can't close them to release the pain. I imagine it to be a small sting."

I swallow hard, oh he's not making me feel any better about this at all, in the slightest.

I watch as he stroked my thigh with the paddle whip, it looks so harmless but I know it's going to be brutal. I just hope I can take it. In one lightening flick of his wrist the paddle slaps and withdraws from my sex. I gasp, a sharp intake of breath rushing into my lungs, my back spasming off the bed as a sharp sting travels up my clenching sex, over my pubic bone ending somewhere in my lower stomach. Christian strokes his fingers over my pussy, gently easing away the sting leaving a small light throb that's quite nice.

"Ok?" Christian asks.

"Yeah." I breathe, my voice husky and quite high pitched at the same time.

"You like that?" He asks just stroking the outer lips of my drenched sex.

"Yes Sir." I exhale, relaxing.

"You want more?" He asks still working his fingers into the skin surrounding my pussy.

"Yeah." I smile as he looks at me with a smile of his own.

He moves away and I clench my pussy. He comes back with a pillow and slips it beneath my behind, bringing my sex up for him. Another lightening flash and it hits again. My feet stretch, my thighs clench, I want nothing more than to bring them in to close my legs and bring my hands down, Christian can see this too and he chuckles.

"More?"

"Yes." I mewl and he smiles before giving me another flick.

His wrist barely moves, it makes contact then withdraws, it's so sharp. He pulls back the outer lips and smacks again, this time he doesn't stop flick after flick. Small sharp yelps echo from my throat, my breathes come in short sharp pants, some hits miss and just hit the outer lips or the skin between my ass and my sex but the ones that really hit, that smack the clit have me calling out.

After a few he stops and massages me again with his fingers.

"Ouch." I moan, it really hurts but I also know the evidence of how much I'm enjoying it is evident all over Christian's fingers.

"Enjoying?" Christian asks slipping his fingers into me.

"Yes." I moan.

"Do you want more?" He asks pumping his fingers slowly, doing nothing to relive the ache.

"Yes…"

"Ask for it." He says, oh this is a new one. "Ask me to spank your pussy." He whispers seductively, holy cow…

"Please Sir…"

"Please what Ana?" He asks still pumping softly.

"Please … spank my pussy." I say shyly, I have done all manner of kinky fuckery with this man and I still get shy.

He withdraws his finger and this time I know the hit was harder. It's beyond painful but I don't know what hurts more the sting of the paddle or the throb of needing penetration.

"Thank me Ana." He says before smacking me again, another new one, he's never asked me that before. "Thank me for spanking your pussy." This is Dom fifty like I've never seen him before, was he like this with his subs when they were full time… _don't go there Ana!_ My subconscious squeals.

"Thank you Sir."

He smacks again sending another ripple of pleasure and pain through my sex.

"For what Ana?"

"Thank you for spanking my pussy…" As soon as the words are out of my mouth he spanks me with the paddle whip over and over not relenting at all. I have tears in my eyes from the sting but it's like when you whack your funny bone it hurts but it's a tingling pain. I don't want him to stop.

"Ouch!" I scream as he gives me a particularly hard wallop.

"Good girl." He says quietly as he massages me once more. "So hot down there baby, taste." He puts his fingers in my mouth and I suck greedily, my mouth dry from panting enjoying the taste of myself on his skin. "I think that's enough." He says withdrawing his fingers giving me another hard one before I see him throw the paddle whip onto the floor. "I'll be back."

I watch him hurry out, his hard cock pointing north as he leaves the room. I start to panic. The last time he left me tied like this was London…

"Christian!" I yell and he runs back in with a bucket.

"Ok?"

"I thought you left me." I say the panic obvious to my husband.

"Never baby… do you want me to let you free?" I shake my head, I trust him I just needed to see him. "Ok." He says and then he goes out of my sight again as he drops in front of the bed where my pussy is.

The next thing I feel is ice cold on my pussy lips. I yelp and spasm, my back arching at the shock of the different temperature. My skin warm and pink from his assault with the whip now freezing.

He massages my skin with the ice and I am gobsmacked when he slips the ice inside me. I feel my body trying to reject it but he pushes it right in there with his fingers. Holy shit!

"Ahhh!" I let out a deep moan.

"Ok?" Christian asks.

"Yes Sir." I manage the combination of hot and cold is just completely indescribable, my core pulsates around the ice, I can feel it melting slowly inside of.

Then I feel Christian's mouth. He wraps it around my clit and sucks, hard. I groan deeply, and he chuckles making me clit vibrate, then he bites it and pulls roughly. I scream out but it still feels so good, so amazing. He does it again followed by a small pulsating sucking. I just moan over and over again until he bites once more, pulls and I come and come, and come. It's never ending. I cry and scream, it's just that good.

"Ok?" Christian asks as he unties me. I can only nod and make a small noise, too lost in subspace to even be able to put together any words.

Once I'm free Christian hoists me up the bed and tucks me in before climbing in beside me. He holds me close to his chest and I feel the last of the ice disintegrate to nothing inside my core.

"That was…"

"Shh, get some sleep, we'll talk about it after." He says before kissing me lightly.

* * *

When I wake I am still quite dazed. Christian is beside me, looking down at me and I smile, I feel so blissful.

"Good afternoon baby." He says leaning down for a kiss.

"Mm, what time is it?" I ask as he pulls away. "Two oclock, I ordered us lunch but was waiting for you."

"You could have woken me." I smile shyly and he chuckles.

"You needed your rest. Now come on, drink this." He passes me a glass of cool orange juice from the side table and I drink it greedily as he nuzzles my hair and strokes my revealed breasts.

"You're a star." He whispers making me turn to him. "You are, that whipping… Ana Jesus if I'd know that pussy spanking was your inner kink I'd done that a long time ago."

I blush and hide my face behind my arm, he talks about it as if it's the evening news.

"No don't hide from me baby. Please." He pulls my arm away and smiles, I feel so shy! "I've been with pro subs who can't take a spanking like that there." I blush once more and look anywhere but at him. "Seriously Ana. Fuck!" He's in shock and actually so am I, I'm wet just thinking about the flick of that paddle on my pussy once again. "We're going to have to have a long talk about this soon you know that right?"

"Why?" I ask feeling self-conscious.

"Baby, if that's what you enjoy, if that's what gives you pleasure I want to keep giving, we'll need to talk properly about your hard limits again, see what context for this activity alone because I'm telling you you'd enjoy the gentle flick of a cane there and soft genital clamps could change everything…" I blush and hide again, why am I so embarrassed to talk about this stuff?! I wrote worse! "Not now though, now is time for lunch." He declares and I breathe easier getting off that topic.


	7. Chapter 7

**Skipping Sunday which would be leaving the hotel and going home… nothing exciting, but this one I have been really excited about! I'm not going to be writing full days or sometimes I'll skip whole days from now on, so keep an eye on the dates. Steff x**

**The song is Cinderella by Tata Young, it's totally suits my Ana down to the T! No copyright infringement intended! **

**Monday March 25th 2013**

I am so nervous as Christian pulls up outside Grey Records. It's a quaint looking place from outside, a grey record disk with GREY huge in red and white and records smaller beneath it in black above the glass doors making up the sign.

"Ready?" Christian asks giving my thigh a squeeze.

"Yeah, let's get this done." I say giving him as confident a smile as I can manage before getting out of the R8, I'm not ready, I'm far from ready I'm so nervous it's unreal.

"So it's a girl called Lila that's written the song, she promises she wrote it with you in mind." Christian says as he takes my hand, I just nod, this could be a disaster and I hope he knows that. "She's nice, a little older than you but she's friendly." I see he's taken with her, it's not often that he talks about employees in such a way and I don't think I like it.

"Good Morning Mr Grey, Mrs Grey." The receptionist is on her feet as soon as we're through the door.

"Miss Young." Christian nods without stopping or introducing me.

He takes me down a back corridor which is all dark and spooky with dark grey walls and lots of doors. He finally comes to a stop and opens the door to one of the recording studios. We're stood on one side which has red walls and a big desk with loads of buttons and headphones and stuff. There are two people in the room, one male and one female.

"Ah Mr and Mrs Grey right on time." The girl says jumping to her feet and swishing her blond hair over her shoulder, she's around my age…

"Ana this is Lila, she wrote the lyrics to your song and this is Tito he worked with Lila to put together the music."

"Yo Mrs G pleasure to meet you." He says shaking my hand with a friendly smile.

"Well I have some paperwork to do upstairs so I'm going to leave you in their capable hands, have fun." He kisses my temple then he's out the door leaving me with the big burly black man and the blond bimbo… holy hell.

"So Mrs G, you wanna hear the music, Lila here will sing it for you to get a taste?" Tito smiles, his teeth dazzling in his dark pink thick lips, gosh he's sorta scary!

"Uh sure and it's Ana, please. I'm a little like a fish out of water so…"

"Don't worry Ana we've got your back." Lila grins before giving Tito a nod. He knocks a couple of buttons and an upbeat track begins to play.

Lila rocks her shoulders and holds a piece of paper in her hand, bobbing her head from side to side to the music, she's so comfortable here that's obvious as her blond hair swings from side to side with her bobbing.

"When I was just a little girl, my mama used to tuck me into bed and she read me a story…" She's a pretty good singer, what's Christian need me when he has Lila, she's better than me that's for sure.

I find myself smiling and bobbing along to Lila's singing and the song. I like it, I do, it's much better than the love songs I had in my head, this is definitely not a love song. If I've caught the gist of it, it's about wanting to be independent and the only man for me would be one who treats me as an equal… not Christian then even if he is better than ever he still sometimes forgets I'm his wife and not his submissive and after Saturday I wouldn't be surprised if he forgot more often than not even though my insides clench deliciously just at the memory.

"So what do you think Mrs G?" Tito asks cutting the track off and bringing my thoughts away from pussy spanking.

"It's brilliant, Lila you're amazing." I say to the blond with a smile.

"Pft I don't want to sing, just write songs and music." She says with a shrug. "Now ready to learn this?"

"Uh… ok." I say not knowing what to do, I really am a fish out of water here. I mean come on what am I supposed to do? I am not a singer!

If we can get the chorus learned Lila and lay it today we can get a demo up on the web." Tito says swinging in his black leather chair, his hands palms together, he's a good looking man, probably in his early thirties, cleanly shaven with dreadlocks in his black hair.

"Ok, chorus, come on." She pulls me through a glass door that portioned off the two rooms. "Here." She passes me some head phones. "The chorus is easy, quite monotonous really until we add the backing, with you being a newbie Tito wants the track laid in pieces and then get you to learn it properly by listening to it over and over."

"Listen to myself?" I ask awkwardly, Lila smiles and nods while I cringe.

"Now put these on." She says signalling to the headphones while she picks up a set of her own. "I'm going to sing into this, you'll be able to hear me clearly, try and pick it up. Tito put the chorus on loop for me."

"Sure think Lila." Tito's voice reaches my ears and I realise that he'll be able to hear me sing too.

The track comes on in a place that's clearly not the beginning and I watch as Lila's bright red nail taps her head phones while she holds the lyrics in the other hand, I realise she's counting herself in when she begins to sing.

"I don't wanna be like Cinderella, sitting in a dark old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody, to come and set me free. I don't wanna be like snow white waiting, for a handsome prince to come and save me on a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side. Don't wanna depend on no one else, I'd rather rescue myself." Lila's voice sings beautifully into my ear, her voice doesn't suit the music in a strange way but it's still pretty. "Simple right?" She asks and I smile and nod, it really is quite a simple melody.

She goes again and I try and pick it up, bobbing my head to the music some as I listen intently hoping to pick some of the tune up. By the time we're on the forth loop I hum along and Lila nods encouragingly.

"Try singing this time." She says as we go in for time number five. My stomach drops into my shoes as I watch her count me in and thrust the lyrics under my nose.

"I don't wanna be like a Cinderella, sitting in a dark old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody, to come and set me free. What are these lines?" I interrupt the song because I can't understand the lyrics because of double slashes in certain places.

"One line means small breath, two lines means a bigger one. Like commas and full stops." Leila explains calmly giving me a smile, not minding that I've interrupted her.

I lose count of how many times we've gone over the same bit by the time I'm completely comfortable with the chorus and it isn't until I look up from the lyrics to see Christian standing there that I lose my nerve.

"You're doing well Ana." Christian speaks into the mic Tito has been using to communicate to us, I give him an awkward smile and he gives me a thumbs up, this is really strange but I'm cool, I'll go with it.

"Yo Mrs G, you cool for Lila to step out and for us to try lay down first ed of the chorus?" Tito asks and I look at Lila who nods encouragingly. I shrug, smile and nod straight after each other and Lila gives my arm a squeeze before removing her head phones and stepping out of the booth leaving me on my own.

It's so weird. I'm no singer yet here I am in a recording studio laying down my song… my song… that's unreal. I never ever imagined myself here.

I keep my eyes on Tito who counts me in with nods of his head and gives me encouraging smiles.

"I don't wanna be like Cinderella, sitting in a dark old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody, to come and set me free. I don't wanna be like Snow White waiting, for a handsome prince to come and save me, on a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side, don't wanna depend on no one else, I'd rather rescue myself." I sing my eyes the entire time on Tito so I won't lose my nerve.

He dims the music out after I've sang and I take my headphones off to see Lila and Christian both clapping.

"Come listen Mrs G." Tito's voice scares me as it fills the booth making me jump.

I hurry out, nervous to hear this played back. Christian guides me to the black couch that Lila was sitting on when we came in while Tito knocks a few buttons on his sound desk (as I heard Lila refer to it) then the music comes on, followed by my voice.

I listen with a smile, bobbing my head naturally as I listen. I can't believe it's me!

"What did you do to it?" I ask in shock with a big smile.

"What do you mean?" Tito asks looking unsure.

"To make it sound like that, that wasn't me singing I can't sing." I say still smiling, I don't care about editing my voice anymore, this is actually quite fun.

"Mrs G, I ain't done anything to it yet."

"You're lying."

"Nope." He pops his p. "We'll have to level it out the voice to the track and stuff and add the backing which will be very low in comparison to your voice. I don't see much being done to this Mrs G, you can sing pop no problem." I don't believe him but shrug and smile anyway, I like it, that's my song.

"Now I'm taking my wife to lunch while you two plan on how you're going to teach Ana the rest of this song, sooner we get it out there the better for Grey Records." Christian says helping me to my feet though there's no need.

"Catch you later." Both Tito and Lila say and I wave before taking Christian's hand and following him out.

Christian takes me to Café Campagne just around the corner from the studio. I am on some sort of high from singing and hearing it back, I love how it sounds even if I don't believe Tito when he says he didn't do anything to the track, I mean it was good and I can't sing!

The café is a quaint little place but not the type of café I'd pop in for a cup of tea and a bagel either. Christian talks briefly with someone and then suddenly we're whisked off to a private dining room with a view of Elliott Bay and the produce stands of Pike Market.

Christian orders which I'm thankful for, I wouldn't know what to get without taking the time to study the menu and in all honesty I just want to get back in the studio.

"So why the privacy?" I ask sipping at my water casually as I eye my husband suspiciously.

"We'll talk once we've been served." He says and that does nothing to ease the nerves I've suddenly gotten.

I sit and hum my song making Christian smile a little and I can't help beginning to sing it and pulling faces towards him making him snort, I love it when he lets loose like this and it makes me smile, I'm guessing whatever we have to talk about isn't that important.

I shut up quickly when the wine and food comes making Christian laugh more. I don't know why but I can't help but think of singing live… I don't think I'll ever be able to and that's not good for someone about to release a song!

"So we need to talk." Christian says as we both tuck into our stake and fries.

"Ok, what about?" I ask and he smiles his I've got a secret smile.

"Saturday."

"TPE." I say my mouth dry as I glance around the room.

"Don't worry we won't be disturbed until we're done." He says with a smile. "No not exactly more about the Pussy spanking."

How I don't choke I don't know but I know my eyes open wide at his simple utterance, goodness we're in public!

"Don't look at me like that Ana I'm not the one who was floating on cloud nine after a brutal spanking with a paddle whip." He says making me snort.

"Ok, spill what's this about Christian?"

"Well you obviously enjoyed it."

"Very much." I agree with a smirk, how could I not? It was better than anything we've ever done.

"Well I want to explore that with you. It's obviously your kink Ana and I loved how much you loved it." He says and I smile, he knows when to lay it on doesn't he?

"Ok?" I say in a questioning manner.

"I've bought a new contraption for the playroom, it will be put up today. I was hoping you'd trust me enough to take you there and explore a little with you." He says quietly.

"Expand what you mean by explore Christian." I reply in an almost threatening tone, I don't know why but I think I feel threatened.

"It would involve … your hard limits." He says and I freeze, their hard limits for a reason… "I won't do anything without your consent but considering how much you enjoyed what I did on Saturday I can see you enjoying this, it's just an experiment, I'd check in with you every few minutes and you can yellow or red at any point and I'd undo it quickly."

"Which hard limits?" I ask not agreeing to anything without knowing for sure what I'm getting myself into.

"Genital clamps." He sees my face fall. "Soft adjustable ones." He says quickly as I swallow hard and reach for my wine. "And should that work then maybe a whip or a cane but not the first time with clamps. I'd be slow and walk you through it all, get you into a mild subspace before we begin anything…"

"And we'll take it slow?" I'm fucking considering this, what the hell?

"Yes, absolutely Ana and if it's not for you then I won't push you to do it again, but I want to try and explore this safely and slowly with you." He says gently and I nod.

"Ok, I'll try." I say quietly but not because he wants it but because I do. I also need to see Sandra.

"Before New York?"

"Ok." I agree at once, New York's on Friday.

"How about Thursday before we fly out?" He suggests and I smile and nod, that's ok with me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Tuesday March 26th 2013**

After a full day of recording in the studio working on the song I've ditched Christian for the late afternoon to spend it with Sandra Lee in the park.

I meet her having dressed down into a pair of jeans and ballet pumps with a light jacket for this lovely warm afternoon.

"Ana how are you?" She smiles after she greets me with an air kiss, we've become such good friends especially while I was travelling with the tour, the amount of calls she got about me needing someone to guide me through those tough days apart from my husband and daughter.

"I'm well and you?" I ask and she smiles and nods, she knows that I didn't ask her to meet me just for a walk and crap cart coffee.

"We'll walk shall we?" She smiles and I exhale and try to relax as we begin to walk along the path slowly, just a stroll, she's waiting for me to start.

"I know I've never really gone into detail about mine and Christian sexual lifestyle." I start and she makes a small murmur in agreement not interrupting me at all. "But I know that you know about it from my file from Flynn." I add and our eyes meet as she smiles and nods. "Ok well bear with me because I hate talking about things like this so openly but I have got to get my head around this."

"Ok. Take your time Ana." She says before signalling to a bench, I shake my head, I couldn't do this if I was facing her, walking gives me a distraction. "So anyway, Christian and I stayed at the hotel after the charity event on Friday, we had all day Saturday to ourselves to… to play." My voice shakes and it's so unnatural I've been so different for so long now yet I feel myself slowly retreating into depressed Ana and I don't want that, I need to take the bull by the horns and just spill.

"Ana did something happen?" She asks stopping me from walking with a hand on my arm.

"You could say that." I mutter. "But not what you're thinking." I add knowing she was contacted when the abuse concern went up even though she wasn't allowed to say anything about the lifestyle she was bound by law to report any abuse if I had said anything.

"Do go on." She encourages as we begin walking again.

"I'm no submissive. I've always known that but on Saturday Christian went overboard to usual but… I…" I sigh and shake my head, this is embarrassing to talk about and so difficult to explain. "I expected to hate it when he went as far as to have me kneeling beside him and feeding me little bites of food because I'd disobeyed some stupid order. Thinking about it now I'm shock."

"What shocks you about it?"

"The fact that I enjoyed it." I say quietly turning fifty shades of pink in seconds. "For the first time ever I wasn't thinking, when I was kneeling beside him at the table I was quite content, I didn't have to think there was no pressure to do anything or be somebody I wasn't. I was just being." I say hoping I'm making sense. "It's not something I could do often or every day but just those few hours having Christian in control of absolutely everything was bliss Sandra, it was… I can't explain it properly."

"You're explaining it just fine." She says kindly, she's not affected by this conversation or if she is she's not showing that to me. "Do you think you're wrong to feel like that?"

"I'm not a submissive."

"I never said you were." She replies without missing a beat. "Did Christian?"

"No… he wants to play more but that has nothing to do with how submissive I was." I turn scarlet but Sandra doesn't say anything just smiles. "I don't know what to think Sandra, I don't know … anything…"

"What do you think happened?" She asks, that wasn't what I expected but seeing as I have been thinking about it I sigh and stop walking.

"I think that I've been so in control of everything that I was starting to feel out of control and that for those few hours I got to forget everything, I had to worry about nothing because Christian did all the worrying for me and for those few hours when he praised me, I was happy because I pleased him and made him happy… I was a submissive." I look at the ground almost in shame.

"Sometimes Ana, giving up control for a few hours is what we need. Some women go to the spa, others have pleasurable kinky sex, it's the way of life. You can't always be in control and you need to have a break or you'll run yourself into the ground."

"I know that."

"Then why are you so affected by it?" She asks as we walk some more, I shrug and she sighs.

"I'm not a sub."

"But you think you're becoming one?"

"No."

"Then what Ana? I can't help if you don't talk to me and be honest with me." She says exasperatedly.

"I'm worried Christian thinks I'm becoming one." I say quietly, I can't look at her.

"Have you talked to Christian about it?"

"No." I reply, how do I do that?

"What happened to communication is key?"

"It's not the same!" I sigh in frustration.

"Isn't it? Ok answer me this, has Christian treated you any differently to normal since Saturday?"

"No."

"Then why are you worrying?" She asks and I look at her, she's fucking right as always.

"I just worry."

"And that's normal." She smiles kindly. "You're still adjusting to being back home Ana, you were on tour for three whole months, your schedule was hectic if you weren't signing books for hours you were on radios and talk shows and meeting sick children and adults in hospitals and during all that you found time to be a mother and a wife. I am in awe of how you managed it all and I know I'm not the only one. You have to start having more faith in yourself."

"I have faith in myself." I snap angrily, she's right about everything else.

"Then you need to have more faith in Christian." She snaps right back at me. I feel like a chastised five year old as I look at the floor. "What is it Ana?"

"I still wonder if I'm enough for him." I say quietly as we continue to stroll looking like a pair of friends in a deep discussion which is what we are technically but I doubt anyone has figured out that I'm talking to a shrink.

"Why would you still wonder that? You've been married heading on two years now." Sandra says quietly, I haven't quite been as honest to everyone around me about this, not even her.

"The whole thing on Saturday, Christian figured something out about me… sexually… and he wants to explore it more and don't get me wrong it was good… so good." I smile at the memory of that spanking on my core, I am looking forward to doing more. "But he wants to take it further and explore more and I wonder if that's what he's always going to want from me, I wonder if he's always going to want me to give him more as a submissive as he gives me as a husband and I don't know if I can do it Sandra, I don't think… no I know I can't." I'm near tears now and Sandra grabs my arm and leads me to a bench, pushing me firmly onto a seat before sliding beside me.

"Ana." She says making me sound like I'm in trouble. "We've been over a lot while you recovered from depression, I will not stand back and watch you go back to where you were, it was a fucking fight to get you from that dark place you were in…" I don't think I have ever heard Sandra swear and if I wasn't caught up in all my self-doubt I'd find it funny. "…Ana…" She sighs softly and wraps an arm around my shaking shoulders. "He was there for you, through all that and if he wanted a sub he wouldn't have, he'd have gone out and found another woman willing to give him everything you couldn't. You had no sexual appetite for a while, you were tearful, you were existing each day. No man Ana, no man would stay with someone like that if they weren't truly in love."

"Oh Sandra, I know that… I'm just scared and irrational." I laugh awkwardly, it's so hard to explain. "I know he loves me and he loves me the way I am but I am worried that now he's seen that submissive streak…"

"All you can do Ana is talk to him." Sandra says giving me a small squeeze. "Talk to him and tell him and make him understand that you don't mind playing but remind him that you're his wife and you're not going to become his submissive."

"You're right." I sigh half laugh and shake my head. I don't know why I have these moments where I'm so untrusting of Christian, in my heart I know he would never but then in my head… sometimes I take a trip to that dark place I was in and the dark thoughts bring me uncertainty.


	9. Chapter 9

**Please don't hate me, there's a reason for this order and with me now having written 4 chapters today I know where this is going already!**

**Thursday March 28th 2013**

After another long day in the studio Christian and I go to Escala with India having gone to Bellevue for the weekend with her grandparents, as soon as we're finished here we fly to New York for the book awards which I found out yesterday I'm also now presenting an award with Christian, that's going to be fun but it has meant that I needed a second dress. (Why change I don't know but apparently a second dress is needed for the award I'm presenting to the walk down the red carpet)

Christian's been getting me excited all day with small kisses and little teasing touches, he's gotten me built up and excited to have him.

"I've been on a hard on all day just imagining this Ana." Christian says as he leads me up to the playroom. I won't tell him that I've been dripping wet and excited all day too, I don't want him to think I'm not nervous because I am, I'm terrified at the same time as being excited.

Once in the playroom I freeze looking at the great new contraption in the middle of the floor. The bed has been moved to the wall, the drawers moved to the side to make room for this scary looking table.

"Do you want to investigate it?" Christian asks cocking his head to one side. I nod, and he smiles taking me over.

The table looks about half the size of a normal table, it would barely seat four people around if it was a dining room table. There are two long metal poles up from the legs at the end and on the other end are thick metal cuffs. On some form of metal chain that looks like it doesn't give much freedom of movement.

"Well?" Christian asks as I run my hand up the side of the table.

"It's uh… scary looking." I tell him and he chuckles.

"Yes it is baby but I promise I won't do anything you don't want me to do."

"Ok." I nod and he smiles wider.

"Get naked and kneel by the door." He says before turning on his heels and walking out.

I do as he said quickly, still a ball of mixed feelings as I go to the spot by the door and kneel. He comes back in not making me wait long, in his playroom jeans with his sexy bare feet.

He braids my hair and then pulls me up to my feet, dipping me into a long searing kiss. His tongue forcing its way into my mouth as holds me in his arms. I moan and kiss him back with as much vigour as I can.

"I will make sure you enjoy this Ana." He says roughly before scooping me up in his arms. I giggle as I hold around his neck with my arms and he carries me to the table.

He sits me on the edge of the table and lays me down gently, the wood is hard against my back as I adjust myself carefully. I say nothing and let Christian manipulate my body into place, he grabs my hands and brings them over my head and it isn't long before they're in the cuffs with very little give in them.

He pulls me down by my thighs and then takes one leg and takes duct tape to lock my ankle to the top of the bar.

"I have a knife, I can have your legs free in seconds." Christian says and I nod, I trust him.

He then ties my other ankle and I am on my back, ass at the edge of the table legs up and open tied to the poles which bring my legs into a comfortable V.

"Ok?" Christian asks and I nod. "Good, we'll take this slow and we'll start with your favourite instrument." He says with a wink and I smile.

He pushes his fingers into me slowly and I moan and buck my hips off the table, taking more of him.

"Oh I forgot." He says taking his fingers out quickly leaving me bereft. I watch as he comes to my side and then he picks up a big black strap and puts it over my lower belly and then one over just above my breasts before he comes around to the other side and does the same, then he brings the straps together and I breathe deeply as he straps me down to the table with a smirk on his face.

"You won't want to move in a little while, better you get used to being unable too." He says and I just nod as he goes back down to my open legs.

Once again he slips his fingers inside and I moan, not being able to move is frustrating and the chains at my wrists rattle as I move my head to try and look at him. His soft sexy chuckle reverberates in my ears as he pumps his fingers in and out of me, there's nothing I can do but lay here.

"Good girl." He says pulling out having built me up a lot. "Now, the paddle whip, I know you enjoy that." He says before walking off.

He comes back slapping the paddle whip against his hand and I wriggle as much as I can already so frustrated after the magic of his fingers and excited for the feel of that against my pussy.

He wastes no time in flicking it against me and I moan and my head bucks as does my back just a tiny bit where there's some give in the belts. I suck in air through my teeth and let out a small moan before he goes in for another… and another… and another… he wastes no time in getting me all worked up with the paddle whip. Each hit more painful and more pleasurable than the last. Some hits he throws against my thighs giving my pussy a small rest bite before it gets whipped once again.

It's deliciously painful, the sharpness running up my clit into my lower belly making me clench with each and every burst of pleasurable pain.

Then he thrusts the tip of the paddle whip into my mouth, it's covered in my juices which shows how much I'm enjoying this.

"Colour?" He asks pulling it out.

"Green." I say my eyes on his reassuring him that I'm fine… in fact I'm more than fine.

"Ok, good girl." He says before dropping the paddle whip onto the floor and walking off.

When he comes back into my line of sight I see black string hanging from his hands, I have no idea what they are until I feel a sharp bite on my outer pussy lip that has me yelling in shock and pain.

I feel Christian blowing air there and the pain slowly becomes tolerable and pleasurable. I watch as he takes the string and then pulls it up to the bar, tying it and pulling some more. I watch him carefully, breathing softly and sharply through the pain and discomfort of having my pussy lip open.

He repeats the process on the other side and then I see him smile, it doesn't feel too comfortable but it's not too bad either.

"Colour?"

"Yellow." I admit and he nods and then snap there's another clamp.

It takes him a good ten minutes to have six clamps on my outer pussy lips and have them tied up. I can feel my pussy lips spread open wide, showing the hidden treasure protected by the thick skin normally.

"Oh Ana, you look… wow… baby…" Christian is speechless as I lay panting, still breathing through the pain.

"Can you take a picture?" I ask him awkwardly, I want to see this.

"Are you sure?"

"I want to see Christian." I say and he nods, the slightest movement of my lower half on my end has the discomfort and pain moving.

Christian doesn't take two minutes getting a camera and snapping a photo and bringing it for me to see. It is madness to see six clips and my lips wide open and tied up. It's like a really strange spider web and it makes me giggle which causes more pain down there but a good pain.

He walks away and then comes back with a riding crop. I watch him carefully until slap! The riding crop hits my open pussy and I scream loudly, damn that was painful but oh so pleasurable.

"Colour?"

"Yellow." I say through gritted teeth, my whole body is humming with the aftershocks of the slap even though it didn't seem that hard what I could see. I'm panting hard, almost whistling through my teeth I hum and let out shaking yells. It's frustrating almost because it's oh so fucking painful and I love it!

He walks over and squeezes my breasts one at a time, pinching the nipples giving my vibrating pussy a rest bite, when I least expect it his hand goes through my legs and he smacks the crop once again making me yell out in a shuddering breath.

Then he's back at my end and slap, crack, whack, hit after hit against my open lips, I scream at each one but I don't want it to stop I don't want him to stop.

I'm so close to the edge, one or two more hits and I'll come I just know it and that's when Christian drops the crop.

"Oh Christian... please…" I say wriggling in my bonds causing myself more pain and the chains at my wrists to rattle.

He drops to his knees and suddenly his mouth is on my clit and his fingers are inside of me. He sucks once, twice and I come, loudly… very loudly! As I scream out in pleasure and pain Christian snaps off each of the clips making my orgasm longer as more pleasurable pain shoots through my entire body, he laps up everything I give him happily.

"Well done baby, oh fuck Ana." He says coming over to my head and kissing me upside down while I float high in subspace. "Did you enjoy that baby?"

"Yes." I mumble not being able to get a coherent thought out.

"I'm going to get you a blanket hold on." He walks off without me replying and then comes back with a thick comforter which he drapes over my sweat sheened body.

As I lie there he begins getting me undone, starting at my feet I watch as he takes a knife and cuts the duct tape open and gently bringing my feet down. Then he's at my arms, freeing my wrists from their bonds.

"Shit!" He swears as my first arm is freed, I look up at him and see his two hands covering my wrists which he kisses over and over.

"What is it?"

"Those cuffs may not have been a good idea." He says with so much shame in his face it break my heart.

"Christian what is it?" I ask him as forceful as I can manage with me now on a come down.

He shows me my wrist which has a clear purple line around where I would have been pulling on it.

"Oh." I say quietly. This isn't good. My dress for tomorrow is strapless. "Well I guess it's an excuse for you to buy me jewellery Christian because I can't go on the red carpet with those." I quip and he laughs uncomfortably.

"You're not mad?"

"Mad? Why would I be mad Christian? I should have been more careful and so should you but it's done now and I don't regret it, a bangle or two on each arm and no one will be any the wiser baby." I say reassuring him best I can considering one arm is still locked. "Free me?" I say rattling the bound hand and he smiles and nods before letting me free.

Then he's quick to remove the two belts and wrap me up in the blanket before he lifts me.

"We'll have to shower quickly baby, we have a plane to catch."

"What about you?" I say my eyes signalling the erection I know he's hiding.

"Baby that was all about you, I don't want anything." He says kissing my temple softly. Oh fifty… I am going to have to talk to him sooner rather than later, as much as I enjoyed this session I am his wife, not his submissive.


	10. Chapter 10

**Friday March 29th 2013**

"Ok so here are your red carpet passes." Hannah says handing Christian and I small cards on a lanyard. "You don't need to wear it but keep hold of it just for the idiots at the start of the carpet." She huffs and I can see something happened while she was down there.

"What happened?" I ask as I sit getting my hair done by Carlos who works at Christasia here in Manhattan.

"Obviously I've had my pass for days and I needed to go down there meet with a couple of other PA's and check out the itinerary and they didn't like that we were stood on the red carpet while the press were starting to arrive." She snaps, oh I guess it wasn't a great experience for her being down there.

"Don't worry about it Hannah, they just want everything to run smoothly today is all." Christian says giving her a reassuring smile, I love how he's accepted Hannah as a part of these events now, I think he sees her as much of a member of family as me now.

"Anyway your dress is backstage. They're expecting you on the carpet at three o'clock you're the big buzz today Ana, you and Christian. Some will want you to interview separate others will want you together you both will be pulled and pushed from interview to interview. You're expected to be on the carpet around two and a half to three hours then once inside you'll be shown to our table to eat. We're sitting on a table of eight, the four of us along with Hope Hewitt and her husband and Cara and Louisa two other editors who worked on your books." Hannah explains as she stands and tidies her own dress up.

She looks stunning in a black strapless ruffle skirt dress with a black ribbon around the waist also by Jovani. I don't know if it's some unwritten rule or something but all the PA's wear black dresses or very plain dresses and any time I recommended anything colourful and pretty for Hannah she rejected it in a heartbeat, but I must say the little black dress suits her to a tee, especially with her pale skin and ruby red lips.

"So you'll probably end up split up Luke will stick with you Christian and I'll be with Ana we will try and get you to each other as quick as we can and from one interview to the next as quickly as I can. Christian talk Grey Records and Ana try and keep the business talk to zero I've been told they're not interested. Ana they want to talk the books, the movies and the single. Keep the hush up on the suspected fifty shades movie, until the papers are signed there is no movie, you've signed nothing for Tess either so again, keep that turned down don't mention the name of the movie just you auditioned and are waiting to hear back. Hit up the single, what the song is called, what it's about, what it's been like switching careers."

"Yes Ma'am." I say in a mock yell and she smiles, I know she's stressed but today is going to be a breeze.

"One of the other PA's kindly gave me a list of every member of the press on the carpet with which ones to avoid if possible and I couldn't help but notice Kathy Griffin is on the list."

"Who's that?" I ask having never heard the name before.

"She's a comedian who doesn't think twice in turning you into her jokes, she usually targets Oprah, The Kardashians and some other big name celebrities, if she gets you she will get you Ana but don't take anything she says to heart, the more of the piss she takes out of you the more she likes you." Hannah explains while I gulp, I don't know if I could handle having the piss taken out of me.

"Ok so just laugh along right?" I ask and she smiles and nods, she knows she has nothing to worry about but right now I wish I hadn't fired the publicist, Hannah does too much and on days like this I can imagine her wanting to tear her hair out.

"All the awards you're up for will be presented before you need to go present the Young Adult Fiction award." Hannah adds and I just nod. "Now time to get your dress on."

* * *

At three PM we arrive at the start of the red carpet. Christian looks cool as a cucumber and I'm shaking inside as the limo comes to a stop. Hannah gives me a smile and a nod as the driver opens the door and I slide along beside Christian, him stepping out first then him helping me out.

The smaller press at the end of the carpet begin flashing pictures at once. I smooth my hands down my dress, a Jovani black and white floral number with wide shoulder sleeves. Hannah hands me my white purse with the lanyard and card and then I take Christian's hand as one of the film camera's come right into our face.

"This is the live coverage of the event." Hannah whispers and I nod and smile up at Christian hoping it doesn't look as fake as it feels as the camera tilts down to my feet where my silver Jimmy Choos just poke out of the slit in the dress.

"Mr and Mrs Grey, this way." A man in a black suit wearing a headset smiles.

We step onto the carpet and Hannah guides us over to the photographic press who snap photos of Christian and I as we pose together. I just hope I don't end up on a worst dressed list because I really am not sure of this dress, it's different to what I'd normally go for but Caroline Acton insured me it was perfect and so I trusted her judgement.

Fans yell on the other side and cheer. I turn and wave to them as does Christian before we step down about three steps for the rest of the photographs. Men and women yell our names asking for us to smile and turn. I turn to wave at the public again and throw a look over my shoulder earning myself a "thank you Ana!" from someone in the press pit.

"Ana!" I turn at the yell of my name to see a ball of small red with blond hair dive into a hug.

"Kristin!" I yell happily as I embrace my friend.

"Oh it's been too long." She says taking my hands and looking at me.

"I know, I haven't seen you since you came to visit India when she was a couple of months old."

"I know… oh we have to meet soon." She says shaking my hands in her own.

"Kristin! Ana! This way please!" Some press call and Hannah makes Christian step back while Kristin and I go cheek to cheek and give the press a cheesy smile.

"Upright guys!" They call and we stand up straight and Kristin wraps an arm around my waist as we smile for the photographers, this is all the time we have as soon as we step up to the film cameras we'll be lost in the whirlwind of interviews and loose each other.

"Guys over your shoulders, over your shoulders."

We turn around and throw them a look over our shoulders, mine over my left Kristin over my right before Hannah and Kristin's PA step up to whisk us away, Kristin gives me a quick kiss on the cheek before she's whisked off and I'm reminded that I'm a shit friend not doing more effort to keep in touch with her.

"Ana we've got interviews come on." Hannah whisks me away from Christian and somehow I know I'll have seconds with him on the carpet when we join up for an interview but other than that I won't get to see him properly until we sit down for Dinner.

"Look Ana Grey everybody!"

"Chris Garrett Extra Raw." Hannah says quickly in my ear as I step up to the left hand side of the man with a microphone.

"Ana you look spectacular this afternoon." He has a dazzling Hollywood smile and a spray tan.

"Thank you." I say a wide smile on my face as fake as the extensions in my hair.

"So Ana Grey wrote the controversial erotic romance series Fifty Shades and the children's book series Animal Hospital, so Ana you're up for seven awards today…"

"Eight." I correct politely and he chuckles and looks embarrassed.

"Sorry eight awards and you're at the top of the odds for all of them how does that make you feel?" His voice is annoying, over-enthusiastic and too chipper for his own good.

"I'm just thrilled that I've been nominated in all honesty winning the awards would be nice but I'm up against some amazing novels and to just be nominated beside them is brilliant and I feel like a winner already." I smile, Hannah and I made small notes on the most likely asked questions so it's pretty easy to get something out that sounds realistic. It's true, I do feel like a winner already.

"Ok thank you, have fun tonight alright?"

"Thank you." I nod and Hannah whisks me off only five steps before I'm near someone else shouting my name.

"Christa Ireland, New York scoop." Hannah whispers and I nod stepping up to her with my smile fixed in place.

"Ana Grey is here everybody! Hello Ana how are ya?" She asks, what is it with these presenters and their chipper over-enthusiasm?

"I'm well thank you, and you?" I ask awkwardly.

"I'm good, I'm good, so Ana you're up for some pretty big awards tonight, how does that make you feel?"

"I'm just on top of the world right now Christa, I'm amazed and shocked to have been nominated in these big categories." I say proudly.

"That's brilliant, what do you think your chances are of becoming a winner of an international book award?"

"I don't know, I'm just happy to be here and happy to be nominated at all. Winning would be the cherry on top of what is already a tasty cake." I chuckle.

"So rumour has it you've auditioned for a movie right here in New York is that true?"

"I auditioned for a movie but they haven't gotten back to me yet so we'll wait and see shall we?" I say before Hannah steps into the shot to move me on.

The interviews become more important as we step closer towards our destination of getting into the hotel and so the further down we get the longer the interviews will be.

"New York Times online and Christian." She chuckles as my husband steps up beside me and wraps an arm around my waist for the next interview.

"Mr and Mrs Grey!" The presenter beams and we both smile awkwardly. "Good afternoon to you both you both look spectacular."

"Thank you." We both reply in unison making us chuckle.

"So Ana, your books the Fifty Shades trilogy shot to the top of the New York Times Bestsellers list, your first book was up there for thirteen weeks, second for eighteen weeks and third for twenty four weeks how does that make you feel?"

"It's beyond words can describe, I'm still in awe of the support of the public and the love they have had for the books." I say excitedly, this was one interview I really wanted to do because they would focus on the book more than anything else.

"You did the Fifty States of Fifty Shades book tour, tell us about that."

"It was amazing, we did two cities in some states and seeing all those people come out to support me was unbelievable, I'm still in complete awe over it." I say giggling, I sound like an excited child.

"And Mr Grey how has this all been for you, you married a sweet college girl and now she's Seattle's Sweetheart."

"I'm so proud of her and everything she has achieved, I look forward to watching her blossom." Christian says and I know he's sincere and this isn't just him saying what Hannah prepared for him.

"Thank you very much guys enjoy the evening." We're once again whisked off Christian one way me another, I guess there are some people who want to talk to Christian about the businesses and have requested to speak with him while different people have asked to speak with me.

"Patricia Keys, TV Guide." Hannah says before planting me in front of the next interviewer and camera, everything is starting to mould into one and I feel comfortable and relaxed now.

"Ana Grey hello!" Yeah more fake over-enthusiasm coming my way

"Hi Patricia." I see her face light up as I use her name.

"So Ana, eight nominations how do you feel?"

"I'm on top of the world. I feel like a winner without winning."

"How do you think you'll feel if you win?"

"I haven't even thought about it! I am just so happy to have been nominated."

"Have you prepared a speech?"

"No I've written some names of people I want to mention just in case but in all honesty the books in the categories with me are amazing and so just to be nominated beside them is such a thrill for me."

"Ok thank you." She smiles as Hannah steps up once again.

"Kathy Griffin is demanding to talk to you." She chuckles as I take a nervous breath, oh hell. "EEntertainment."

"Ana Grey!"

"Kathy Griffin hi." I smile accepting her air kiss and returning it.

"How are you?" She asks, I'm waiting for the jokes to start.

"I'm good, excited to be here with you right now." I tease, why not she's a comedian I should give her something to work with.

"So your book Fifty Shades is up for some hot awards tonight but I'm telling you that book made me hot." She says fanning herself with her cards with questions making me laugh. "How hot is your sex life?"

"Uh…" I chuckle and think of the time in Escala last night before I realise I'm blushing.

"Ok guys she's not spilling I tried." She says to the camera before turning back to me. "So have you spoken to Seacrest yet?"

"Ryan Seacrest?" I ask looking to Hannah nervously.

"Yeah he put in a request for an interview with you."

"No but I believe he's further down the line than you." I say chuckling making her laugh too.

"Yeah well that's what will happen when you rein act scenes from Fifty Shades with one of the event organisers, I mean I can just see her standing over him with a paddle on his bare ass."

I burst out laughing, I love her already.

"Hey if you win is it true you're going to throw out free butt plugs?" She asks making me giggle more.

"No… no … the butt plugs I own are all heavy duty I'd knock someone out." I tease with a wink making Kathy laugh too, I'm relaxed with her which surprises me a lot.

"Vibrators then? Or maybe some ticklers or something…"

"Ticklers?" I ask giggling so much I have tears in my eyes. "Oh my make-up is gonna smudge."

"Oh hold on come here." She steps closer to me in her green dress and dabs under my eyes softly with a tissue, for her hard funny exterior I can see she's a caring person really.

"Thank you, do I look ok?"

"You look beautiful now go and find out if Ryan's butt is sore from being drilled with a strap on." I am laughing as Hannah leads me away.

"Ryan Seacrest put in a request to speak with me?" I ask Hannah as we stop for some photographs.

"Yeah, you don't have to Ana we can walk straight past if you want."

"No, no, that would be making me look bad, come on let's do this." I say and she smiles and nods before leading me to his side, he is up on a small stage decorated with white flowers and Hannah helps me up the stairs slowly making sure I don't trip in this dress and make a fool of myself, there's no hand rail which is needed in the gowns I've seen.

"Ana Grey, hello." He's surprised to see me, I guess he expected me to walk by too.

"Ryan hi." I say politely as we air kiss, hell this is awkward.

"So Ana, you look dazzling this afternoon what are you wearing?"

"I'm wearing dress by Jovani and jewellery by Neil Lane except for the bracelets which where gifts from Christian from Tiffany's for being nominated today."

"You're a winner in his eyes already."

"Yes she is." I feel possessive arms wrap around my waist and I can't help but snicker.

"Hi baby." I smile turning to give him a small kiss only to have Christian deepen it and give Seacrest a show.

"It's getting hot in here people, please keep it G rated." He adds making us chuckle as we part though it's as fake as his highlights. "So Christian you must be very proud of your wife."

I feel Christian tense, I know he hates being called Christian by the vultures and I know Ryan has done it to piss him off.

"Very proud she's worked so hard this past year and to end up here at the international book awards, she deserves all this and more."

"How was it for you bringing up your daughter alone while Ana travelled around the country promoting her books?" I want to smack him but Christian grips me a little tighter and scowls.

"Ana and I were as involved as each other in bringing up our daughter." He says coolly.

"Of course with your running your company India was brought up by her nanny right?"

"Wrong." I say trying to remain cool. "India travelled a little with me and other times she was with her father. We have a nanny but Christian and I are bringing India up keeping to schedules to make things easier on us all." I will not bite, I will not bite, I will not bite, this is a mantra circling my head right now.

"So Ana rumour is you're releasing a single. Why the sudden change in direction?" He asks acting intrigued when I can see the venom in his eyes.

"Why not?" I shrug. "I'd never really been interested in singing before but when the offer came up I simply couldn't refuse."

"Is it a song about being a submissive lover like many believe?" He asks with a smirk and I laugh.

"Hell no it's quite the opposite the song is called Cinderella."

"So it's about being a spoilt princess?"

"No it's about not wanting to be like that, wanting to be independent and look after yourself not rely on a man."

"Give us a line or two?" He asks and I look at Christian awkwardly who nods encouragingly. "Come on Ana just a taste."

"I don't wanna be like snow white waiting for a handsome prince to come and save me on a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side don't wanna depend on no one else I'd rather rescue myself." I sing nervously especially noticing Kristin just to the side of me smiling and others having stopped close to listen.

"Wwww" Ryan whistles. "You heard it here first folks so when can we expect the release?"

"April fifteenth." I reply with a smile, it's so close now I can almost taste it.

"We look forward to hearing it Ana."

Hannah steps up to whisk us off and I can't help but have one last dig.

"Oh Ryan, you have a little something." I say scratching my teeth before walking off to do the last of the interviews.

* * *

After a beautiful meal and the beginning of the awards I am admittedly getting bored. They're going in alphabetical order and the list of awards going out is really long. I think I'll be exhausted by the time Christian and I get up to present, it's hard enough to sit here listening to the presenters and their corny jokes while sipping champagne trying not to get drunk as it is.

Best new e-book fiction is number sixteenth on the list and when number fifteen is announced I admittedly get nervous. Christian takes my hand in his above the table and squeezes lightly.

"The nominations for best new e-book fiction are – Try again tomorrow by Lucinda Bale." A polite cheer goes up while on the big screen behind the award presenter is a the camera in the face of Lucinda Bale and the cover of her book, a tale of true heroism and romance inspired by the second world war in England. I really enjoyed it and see it being a classic one day.

"Rush around by Tina Richards." Another polite applause ripples around the room as a picture of Tina shows on screen beside the cover of her novel I guess she isn't here this evening then.

"Fifty Shades by Ana Grey." I smile up at the presenters as more applause ripples around and cheers come from Hannah and Hope, I look into the camera and wave before looking back up.

"And Little Lola Lewis by Thomas Rhodes."

"And the winner is…."

"Rush around by Tina Richards." I manage to continue smiling though I won't lie and say I'm not disappointed. Christian squeezes my hand before letting it go so we can both applaud.

"Tina is unable to be here with us tonight but we'll make sure she gets this award." Another round of applause and the two leave letting back to the two main presenters.

It's hard to admit that I am disappointed, I know I'm happy to have been nominated but to win would mean everything to me. I don't hold out for much for the coming categories now though.

Thankfully a couple of other Grey Publishing books have been nominated for awards and when R J Wilks wins best new fiction I am on my feet along with the rest of my table cheering loudly, the disappointment forgotten for the moment as I celebrate a win for my publishing company, not only that it's my name as editor.

"Thank you everybody." His voice ripples around the room bringing it to hush. "I'd like to start by saying thank you to everyone who nominated me and got me here tonight. To the international book awards for the honour of this award but most importantly to the woman who spent as much if not more on this work Ana Grey." The camera is on my and I smile up at him, I don't know what game he's playing but then I remember he's a publicity junkie with no family who has won awards before. "I'm sure she spilled blood sweat and tears on getting this book to the standard it's at now and I share this award with her. Thanks everybody."

Music plays as he's led backstage and we all clap. I want to punch him but only because it makes me feel worse that I can get his book a win but not my own. It's sad really, I'm just bitter because he won and I didn't.

After all the business book awards which makes me think of Christian writing one, thankfully the first award in the Children's category is educational so I'm up once again. I'm nervous but this time I don't think I'll be as disappointed if I don't win.

"And the nominees are Ana Grey with Christian the Crocodile." I smile once more and glance at the camera before receiving a kiss on the temple from Christian as he claps.

"Rachel Myers Piggy in the City. Iolo Ryan Mark Mathematics and Wayne John Talking Talking Talking."

"And the winner is… Piggy in the City."

The disappointment isn't as much this time, I don't know why. Maybe because the nominations were by members of the public but the winners chosen by the International Book Awards Committee and my book really isn't an educational book.

"Children's fiction is a broad category with hundreds of writers bringing out new books every day, the four in this category have gone above and beyond in their creativity to release masterpieces for small minds. The nominees are… Trevor Thomas Tumbles by Rowland Ray… Mia the Mouse by Ana Grey… Little girls by Tina Rowan and Pieces by Rick Farmhouse and the winner is … Mia the Mouse by Ana Grey!"

My mouth falls open as Hope, Hannah and the girls jump to their feet yelling and applauding while Christian wraps an arm around me and kisses the side of my head.

"Congratulations baby." He says as I'm pulled to my feet by Luke, in too much shock to stand on my own. I'm hugged by Hannah and Christian before I'm escorted by a man in a tux to the stage. I receive air kisses and congratulations and an award with an open book and a world inside that's heavy in gold.

I stand in front of the two microphones that come from the floor and look around.

"Wow." I manage to say before laughing awkwardly. "Uh I really am speechless and I don't just mean I can't think what to say I actually have nothing prepared. This is a shock… I should say thank you to Mia my beautiful sister in law who the mouse in this book is portrayed after, to Christian my husband you are… my love, thank you for encouraging me and being by my side through everything… uh… Grey's Publishing for doing as I said and putting a rush on getting this series out so that we could raise the money for Seattle Grace Paediatrics. And of course thank you to everyone who nominated the book and to the IBA for choosing it as the winner. Thank you." I manage to stumble my way through the speech before being led backstage where the calmness of the ballroom is left behind and I'm literally in a rush of going to be photographed with my award to being taken to be interviewed.

"Ana Grey congratulations."

"Thank you." I smile breathing easier.

"Now this is the third nomination of yours that has been announced tonight and your first win, how does that feel?"

"Oh amazing, I didn't think it would happen and I was just happy to be nominated but I'm now standing here as an International book award winner it's … amazing!" I am a giggling ball of energy reminding myself a little of Mia.

"Now you thanked your husband and your sister in law. Is there anyone you forgot?"

"Everyone I was just a mess I mean I didn't think I'd win anything so I didn't prepare anything!" I chuckle. "I'm just so thankful to everyone in my life in all honesty my daughter, my friends, my in-laws, my parents and everyone."

"Ok well congratulations once again and enjoy the rest of the evening, good luck with the rest of the nominations."

"Thank you." I smile before I'm whisked off to get back into the ballroom.

I walk in and get to my seat while the winner of one award or other is walking to the stage. I place my one on the table and Christian kisses me while Hope and Hannah take the trophy to look at it. I'm so happy if I don't win any other award tonight I don't care.

By the time they get to the Fiction category where I'm up for another two awards with fifty shades I'm exhausted and just want to go to the hotel, fuck my husband and sleep. I wish we'd done something to make this event exciting like I would have totally worn a butt plug or something because this is boring even if I get to enjoy seeing some authors of books I have enjoyed while on tour wining some awards.

"There are only two nominations in this next category. Fiction chic lit. The nominees are Ella McParsons Touch me and Ana Grey with Fifty Shades… and the winner is… Ana Grey with Fifty Shades!"

Tears fill my eyes. I am beyond words as I stand and hug my husband tight. Hope is jumping up and down with joy while the rest holler excitedly. I can't believe it, words do not describe how I feel as I am once again escorted up to the stage.

I am hugged while still completely in awe as my second trophy is passed to me and I'm left at the microphones.

"Oh holy … hell…" I say managing not to say shit. "Wow uh thank you so much." I say trying not to cry. "Uh I don't know where to start again… uh Christian… my muse my inspiration I wouldn't be stood here without you… Hope my editor you did amazing with these books and I love you thank you … Hannah my PA my support… My Dad thank you for your encouragement for making me who I am today and Mom… this for you Mom and I just hope you're proud of me today…" I can't stop the tears now and wipe them away best I can. "This is for you Mom." I say before stepping back unable to compose myself to say anything more.

Again it's a rush backstage from pictures to the interview. Thankfully a makeup artist touches me up before letting me in front of the bright lights of the camera.

"Ana Grey once again congratulations!"

"Thank you so much." I say still not completely composed.

"Your speech was beautiful, how do you feel?"

"Oh I'm on top of the world, someone pinch me I'm dreaming." I say giggling. "Two time IBA winner!"

"You seem happy."

"I am happy!" I exclaim. "So happy beyond words."

"Mrs Grey we need you back out there for the romance award."

"Oh yeah. Ok." I'm once again whisked off.

It's no surprise when I don't win the romance award but I'm pretty chuffed with my chic lit one so it doesn't matter at all.

It's a long wait until they get to the next category where I'm up for three more awards, the series category.

"The nominees for the best new children's series are… Tommy Chicago by Flora Nightingale, Rowan by Tina Able and The Animal Hospital by Ana Grey… and the winner is … Flora Nightingale with Tommy Chicago."

I'm not surprised. I did look up all the books I was up against and the Tommy Chicago books are really good and I hope to read them to India when she's a little older, I've already bought the whole series for her but they're not suitable for her age.

It's another long wait till best Chic lit series but I'm not holding out for much against just two other authors.

"And the winner is… Fifty by Ana Grey."

I manage to hold back the scream that threatens to boil from my throat. I cannot believe it.

I'm back on the stage quickly and the whole place is on it's feet as they have been for the other series books. I am crying when the award is handed to me.

"This was unexpected." I manage to say. "Totally unexpected when I got here tonight I thought I'd be lucky to get one but three… three? Ohmigoodness. Uh thank you again to Christian, Hope, Hannah, the team at Grey's Publishing, Mia, Grace, Carrick, Ray, Bob, Elliot, Kate and of course my beautiful daughter India, my world all of them I owe all of this and more to them. Thank you so much everybody."

Once in the back I'm tided up once more before it's time for my interview.

"Three times! Ana Grey! Three time IBA Winner."

"I need someone to punch me, or throw a glass of water on me or something because this is more than any dream I've had…"

"You're smiling…"

"I can't stop!" I say excitedly, I'm like Christian on Christmas morning. "I'm so happy it's beyond words…"

"Mrs Grey…"

"And that's my cue I'll see you later." I say before heading off.

Again I'm not surprised or at all bothered when I don't win the romance category series and then Christian and I are whisked off backstage to get changed.

Thankfully there are people here to help with getting me out of one dress and into the next and redoing my hair and makeup. By the time we're at the Young Adult Fiction award I am in a floor length chiffon gown by Jovani, with sheer ruffle cap sleeves, v-neck, satin belt with diamond brooch and sheer overlay.

I hold onto Christian's arm as he holds the award, there's a screen we have to read from and I can't help but be really nervous about this. Christian exudes confidence and I feel so timid beside him right now.

When our names are announced and the music begins to play we step out from the side and walk to the front of the stage.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm holding this award to make sure my wife doesn't walk away with a fourth." Christian reads from the screen, I can sense he hates the cheesy line but I chuckle along with everyone else.

"Oh Christian if I wanted another one I'd just have you get one made for me, maybe in platinum instead." I read and he looks at me and I know his laugh is about the stupidity of the line.

"So the nominees for best Young Adult Fiction are…" Christian says and then it's my turn again to speak.

"Trina Towers with from sickness to wealth."

"Rebecca Joss with Cry me an ocean."

"Lucas Ray with Ain't no sunshine, rain or snow."

"And the winner is…"

"Lucas Ray with Ain't no sunshine, rain or snow." Christian and I both clap as we wait for the young man called Lucas Ray to make his way to the stage. He happily shakes Christian's hand and gives me two kisses right on the cheek not the usual air kiss which has Christian struggling to hold back his temper as he passes over the trophy.

We step to the side to allow Lucas to do his speech.

"I wanted to win this just so I could meet the beautiful Ana Grey." He says boldly, he really is all teenager with a boyish smile.

Christian tenses beside me and grabs my hand as he continues to talk and thank everyone. When he's done we step up either side of him to lead him off, Christian grabs him a little hard on his arm and I can't help but chuckle because I'm sure that he is warning without words that I'm off limits. Thankfully once back stage we pose for pictures with him and then leave him to do some on his own.

"That fucker wants in your panties Anastasia." He growls in my ears.

"He's a boy Christian, barely eighteen." I say rolling my eyes and making him gleam, shit he saw that and took note…

We go back to the table to enjoy the rest of the awards before finally the ceremony is closed. Of course, we don't get away that easily, all award winners have to get up on stage for a picture session and we receive a standing ovation. It's nice to be up here with everyone else, especially struggling to hold my three awards. I didn't expect to walk away with any wins from the eight I was nominated for and I honestly treasure each and every one of these.

Once we step down I see that Hannah has disappeared and Luke explains I have to wait because there are people who will want to interview me now. I am tired and have been in slight pain all day and just want to go to bed with my husband and celebrate in our bed but it seems like I'm not allowed to do that.

"Ok." Hannah smiles coming back. "Ana you need to go into the press pit, there will be four winners at a time being interviewed, just like a typical press conference they will ask you questions and then you'll be able to answer then leave. You won't be too long and thank me because I got you in with the first lot."

"Ok." I nod and I kiss Christian before following Hannah. I have all three trophies in my hands and they're heavy, pressing against my tender abdomen.

I sit down beside one of the winners and two people file in beside me. We're in a small back room of the hotel. Video and picture camera's face us and we're given wired microphones to put on. Having experience with them it takes me two seconds to clip it onto the front of my dress and then place the box in my lap checking it's on first. There's so many people sat here and I'm so nervous but try to relax and smile as I look at the three awards on the table in front of me.

Hannah stands behind me with a hand on my shoulder, I know she's there to stop me from saying something stupid or answering ridiculous questions and I'm glad she is, I'm so tired.

"Ok so welcome everyone to the press conference, we have four winners here to begin with, we'll start on the left with Rupert Thomas, Ana Grey, Lucy Lloyd and RJ Wilks." One of the speakers said. "We'll begin with questions."

Hands shoot to the air from people of the press and I sit nervously as a reporter is picked out.

"My questions is for Ana Grey…" Typical me first. "How do you feel now? Has the news sunk in that you're a three time International Book Winner?"

"No it's not sunk in yet." I say blowing out a breath. "I am floating on cloud nine at the moment in all honesty afraid I'm going to wake up and find out that this was a dream!" I giggle as some of the journalists around me laugh.

Another reporter is asked to question us.

"My question is for R J Wilks and Ana Grey, how was it to work together and what is it like Ana for you to have an author you worked with win an award?"

I look to Wilks and he nods in my direction, I guess I'm talking first.

"Well it was nice, I love being an editor and it's a pleasure I don't get to indulge in as much anymore but Mr Wilks refused to sign with Grey's Publishing if anyone but me worked on his novel. I'm very proud to sit here not only as a winner myself but as the editor of a winner." I reply my CEO persona taking over.

"Mr Wilks?"

"I loved working with Mr Grey, like I said in my speech she poured blood, sweat and tears over this and I'm very proud of the final piece and I'm proud to be able to share this award with a talented woman like her." I can't help but flash a smile in his direction, for a publicity junkie he's also quite modest.

We sit there for twenty odd minutes answering mundane questions all the same worded different, I manage to skimp over the question about what I'm doing next which is nice, I don't really want to say I'm taking a break from writing to concentrate on my single!

Thankfully when we get out most of the ballroom has begun to empty and I take Christian's arm as Luke leads us out of the ballroom, with us staying here we're saved from the press storm outside and get to just hop into the elevator while Hannah collects my other dress and stuff from the back.

"I'm so proud of you." Christian whispers kissing my head, I manage a small smile but now I'm tired the pain in my abdomen is more prominent, not as easy to ignore as it has been all day with the stress of the day.

"Thank you." I whisper snuggling into his side.

Once safely in our suite I collapse onto the couch and Christian turns on the TV. He finds Ryan Seacrest who is presenting highlights of the night, it's only just ended and they're playing small bits from the day. I kick off my shoes and smile when Christian gets on his knees and takes my feet into his lap.

"Oh that's nice." I breathe and he smiles as I relax to watch the TV. When I come on screen I tense and Christian stops his manipulation on my feet to look at the TV.

I love how I look with my hair up but with a few curly strands just framing my face and my immaculate make up even after crying laughing with Kathy Griffin. I am shocked when I sing, that's me? no music, no editing, I sound quite good.

"See?" Christian asks and I smile at him, I love it.

"So this beauty walked away with three awards tonight and I suspect they won't be the only three she snags this year for these books which are popular around the world. I also suspect awards for music are on the horizon for this multi-talented girl known as Seattle's Sweetheart…"

"That nickname's stuck then." I say with another roll of my eyes as I rub my tender belly.

"I can't believe he's saying nice things about you." Christian says, I nod in agreement, this is not the same Seacrest that was tweeting about me back when I was in New York. I grab my phone and log into twitter to see his tweets from the show. There's a few about me.

RyanSeacrest: AnaGrey snags another well deserved award!

RyanSeacrest: AnaGrey looks dazzling tonight in a second dress by jovani

RyanSeacrest: don't agree with the critics saying dress 2 AnaGrey is "too old" it suits her

RyanSeacrest: Seattle Sweetheart AnaGrey walks away with 3 IBA's! congratulations!

"Ok who is he and what happened to the man who wished me dead?"

"Probably realised it wasn't doing anything to his career not being a fan of yours." Christian replies. "And that dress is beautiful on you."

"Someone is saying it's too old for me or Ryan wouldn't have disagreed." I reply smoothing my hands down my dress, I liked it a lot but now I can't help but wonder if maybe the style is too old for me.

"You're tired, come on, let's get you into bed and we can check out the critics tomorrow." He says pulling me to my feet, no argument from me.


	11. Chapter 11

**This chapter comes from experience, not from reading online or anything. **

**Saturday March 30th 2013**

"Ow!" I groan making Christian stop his pounding into me to stare at me worriedly.

"Baby you ok?" He asks. "Am I going to hard?" I giggle, yeah this isn't as hard as what he has given me in the past and I wish that was all that was the matter.

"No baby you're not… my stomach just hurts." I say rubbing it as he slips out of me, yeah I think I just ruined a moment here…

"What do you mean hurts?" He asks rubbing it putting pressure on it and making me flinch and grimace with the increase in pain happening while he presses gently on me.

"It hurts." I shrug exhaling deeply. "When are we going back to Seattle?"

"Plane in a couple of hours baby… what do you mean it hurts and don't try and change the subject." Fuck sometimes Christian knows me too well!

"It's like a constant pain more to the side, it's tender to touch and pain increases when I move." I explain grimacing as I push myself upright.

"I'm going to call my Mom." He says hoping off the bed while grabbing his cell phone not giving me much room to protest.

"Christian don't disturb your Mom, we'll be back in Seattle in a few hours and we can ask her about it then ok?" I say really not wanting the fuss, I think I'm just constipated and I don't need Grace telling Christian that. "I'm actually going to pop out see if I can get something for it."

"Take Luke with you." He says as I tug on my Mrs Grey tracksuit just for comfort.

"Yes Sir." I tease making him groan even though he's not looking at me and on his cell phone, I have the slightest suspicion that as soon as I'm out the door he'll contact Grace anyway. I text Luke to meet me in the lobby and drag my product filled hair from yesterday into a scruffy up-do, knowing the press are still probably around because many of the award winners stayed in the hotel last night I also drag a pair of sunglasses onto my eyes.

The elevator ride has me in pain with every stop and with it being early morning I find there's a lot of people coming and going on all floors, maid carts and bellboys alike. Luke is waiting for me in the lobby looking like the men in black and something tells me he just dragged his suit from yesterday on when I called, I can't help but smirk.

"Everything ok Ana?" He asks as he walks just one step in front of me as we head for the door.

"Stomach cramps." This isn't exactly a lie but it is one that he won't question thankfully.

The press that have camped out all night go wild at the sight of me. Luke wraps an arm around my shoulders and drags my body into his side while one hand clears a path, I try not to grimace too much but the jostling Luke is doing to my body has me in a lot of pain.

"Ok?" He whispers as one or two paparazzi people keep up the chase but from a bit of a distance where Luke can't push them away.

"Hmm." I hum not wanting to say yes or no. "I need a pharmacy."

"There's one just up here." He says and I nod and smile awkwardly.

It's quite embarrassing that one or two paps follow us all the way to the pharmacy but thankfully they don't come in. I order pills for constipation and for pain, heat packs and cold packs hoping one of those will help me and just in case as the thought has crossed my mind, a pregnancy test.

I quickly pay for my purchases and I know Luke eyes them and for the first time I'm thankful he knows his place as security not to ask me any questions, though I hope he doesn't mention anything to Hannah, I know they're trying for a baby and are so far unsuccessful and I don't want her questioning me.

Once back at the hotel I go upstairs to find Hannah in my suite with Christian, all her and Luke's belongings by the door along with Christian's and mine. Christian comes over and kisses my forehead.

"Baby you're hot." He says pressing his hand to my forehead, I whimper at how cold his hand is, relishing in the feel of it.

"I feel cold." I mumble, I do, I feel really cold in fact.

"I think you have a fever, are you sure you want to fly right now?" He asks holding my shoulders and looking into my eyes, his burning grey orbs searching for any lie I might spew.

"I just want to get home, see my daughter and get into bed." I say quietly and he nods. "I'm just going to splash some water on my face then I'll be ready."

"Ok." He nods letting me go.

Once in the bathroom I do three thing pee on the pregnancy test, better safe than sorry I don't want to even think that if I am pregnant what these cramps could be, I take a pill for pain and a pill for constipation both of which are suitable for pregnant people.

I then wash my face and wait for the three minutes to be up for the pregnancy test, I hold my breath when I turn it around and I'm not surprised it says negative. _But so it did in New York when you were pregnant with India! _My subconscious reminds me, there is that but there's no blood in my panties and it doesn't feel like cramps I had when I did miscarry or when I was stressed when pregnant with India.

"Ana are you ready?" Christian asks knocking on the door.

"Yeah just a minute!" I reply dropping the pregnancy test in the bin before washing my hands again. I look at myself in the mirror and have to admit I'm looking a bit pale but there's nothing I can do about it right now so I grab what's left of my purchases and head out to my concerned husband.

"Ok?" He asks kissing my temple gently.

"I just want to go home." I reply and smiles sadly.

"We'll be there soon." He says, I guess his sadness is he can't get me there sooner.

* * *

Touching down in Seattle is the most painful experience of my life. I call out in agony as we bump the ground and Christian looks at me with extreme concern, this is so painful. The five and a half hour journey has seen my pain level increasing with ever mile.

"Baby?" Christian looks at me as I sit pushing against the chair, my knuckles turning white as my nails dig into the leather of the seat.

"Too much moving." I spit through gritted teeth as we finally come to a complete stop.

"Baby you need a hospital…"

"I'm fine, I just need to go home, it will pass."

"Pass?" I know he's trying not to yell at me. "You have gotten in gradually more pain as we've been flying Ana, it could be something serious!"

"Baby please?" I look at him my eyes filled with tears. "I just want to go home."

"My mother will check you over and if she's not satisfied I'm taking you to the hospital."

"Fine." I reply not really able to argue with a fair call like that and in all honesty, it may be something serious.

The car ride home is pure torture, every slight jostle of the car from Taylor has me spitting and hissing in pain, gripping the side of my stomach though relieving the pressure causes even more pain than is imaginable.

Christian doesn't mind that I'm not wearing a seatbelt and instead is happy enough holding me in his arms as we head for home. I'm in so much pain and I feel so cold but I know that's because I'm feverish, I am not that stupid that I genuinely think my body is cold though I would love to wrap up to feel warm again. Christian keeps kissing my head softly and murmuring that we're always there while Taylor does try to control the driving so that I don't get jostled as much though in all honesty I just wish he would put his foot down and get me home so I can go to bed.

Finally we arrive at our home on the sound and Grace opens the car door in a hurry.

"How is she?" She asks Christian as if I'm not even there, uh hello? I want to shout but I don't have the energy and even taking a breath hurts.

"Pain's gotten worse since we left New York." Christian replies, how the hell would he know? He hasn't asked… but he is right it has, oh I'm bitchy when I'm in pain.

"Get her straight to bed, I have my kit up there." Grace says and he kindly tries and fails to get me out of the car in the least amount of pain as possible, I call out with his jostling and I catch Grace looking worried.

The pain is constant and has now moved from my upper stomach where it started a couple of days ago as a dull ache to my lower right hand side, it's now a constant sharp ache, like a stich from running that can't be relieved at all.

Christian carries me straight to our bedroom and gently places me on the bed before he's ushered out of the way by Grace, he comes over to my other side but doesn't get on the bed, thankfully knowing that it would jostle me and cause more pain.

"Where hurts Ana?" She asks unzipping my jacket and lifting up my tank. I quickly put my hand on my side, just above my hip and Grace pops her fingers there, I moan and whimper as she begins putting pressure and relieving it, going from left to right and back again and then doing other stuff, I trust she knows what she's doing because my eyes are screwed shut in agony.

"When did the pain start?" Grace asks.

"I had a stomach ache a couple of days ago that never went away, the pain got worse and shifted downwards and to the right." I explain as she continues to push at my belly, I don't look at Christian knowing that he is probably furious that I didn't mention this pain to him sooner.

"Ok I think we need a trip to the hospital." Grace announces, my eyes snap open and meet hers. "I can't be certain but I suspect you have appendicitis."

"Appendicitis? That means surgery right?" Christian asks and my eyes go to him briefly catching the worry in his gaze before going back to Grace.

"Yeah it means surgery but even though it's classed as a medical emergency because of the risk of rupture it's minor surgery and we can have you up and about in as little as a few days to you being back to yourself completely within six weeks." Grace explains. "Now I'm going to call ahead to Seattle Grace, Christian pack Ana an overnight bag and Ana when was the last time you ate anything?"

"At dinner last night." I reply Christian and I got too caught up in other things to eat anything after the awards ceremony and we tried morning sex this morning till the pain and I couldn't bare anything on the plane.

"And drank?"

"The same… I had some water on the plane." It was all I could manage and thankfully Christian didn't pressure me into having more than I could handle.

It isn't long before I'm back in the car and on the way to the hospital. I am thankful that Taylor put India in a car with Luke as I haven't seen her yet and I would like to see my daughter before I have any surgery, it may be a minor procedure but there are still risks and I'd like to see my daughter in case I fall into a minority and don't make it through the surgery.

At the hospital we're met by a doctor with a wheelchair and Christian gently puts me down before taking control of the wheels. I hold Grace's hand and she comforts me as if I was a child thankfully, I couldn't handle it if she wasn't here because I must admit I'm scared as well as in pain.

Things move quickly once in the hospital. I'm taken straight to a side room and am given a gown to change into. Christian goes to sort out signing me in and the insurance papers while Grace helps me change, I don't mind her seeing me near naked as she helps me from my tracksuit and into the gown, it's nothing she hasn't seen before when she helped birth my daughter with me.

Once dressed, she settles me in the bed and gets rid of the wheelchair and when she comes back in she has my daughter in her arms which makes me smile widely.

"Mamamamama." She gurgles excitedly.

Grace puts her on the bed up by my chest and when India dives onto me I don't care about the pain just love the fact that my daughter wants to be held, it's only been two days since I saw her but they were a long two days and I have missed her.

"Hey baby girl did you have fun with Grandma and Grandpa Carrick?" I ask running my fingers through her hair. She begins to babble excitedly and I nod and hum along in agreement to words I can't even understand. Christian comes back and India excitedly leaves me in favour of her father just as a doctor comes in.

"Hello Mrs Grey I'm Doctor Rhodes, I just want to take some blood and hook you up to an IV and then we'll talk about your surgery options. I also want to do an ultrasound to be on the safe side."

"I did a pregnancy test it was negative." I say not thinking about the ramifications of not having told Christian.

"When?" Doctor Rhodes asks running his hand through his sand blond surfer hair.

"This morning."

"Well we'll do an ultrasound anyway, it won't give us a good picture of the appendix but it will rule out ectopic pregnancy as a cause for your pain."

"Ok." I nod and he gets to work at withdrawing blood and hooking me to an IV. I keep my eyes on my daughter, her joy bringing smiles to my face even as I struggle with the needles and the pain I'm in.

"Right Doctor Trevelyan told me all the details about when you last ate and so on, I want to give you one dose of antibiotics just in case of infection and then we'll get the ultrasound in here ok?"

"Thank you." I reply weakly, this pain is taking so much out of me I'm exhausted.

"Have you taken anything for the pain? Or any drugs at all?"

"I took some dulax for constipation just in case that's what was causing the pain and some Panadol."

"When?"

"It was about six hours ago maybe seven." I can't say a time because we were in New York and I don't want to confuse myself or the Doctor.

"Ok. I'll see you in a minute Mrs Grey try an relax now." And then he's gone.

"He should try and fucking relax in this much pain." I hiss sitting back against the pillows while Christian sits beside me with India on his lap lost in one of her small toys.

"It won't be long now baby." Christian tires but I can see in his face that it hurts him as much as it hurts me to be in this much pain, it's written all over his face.

"Pain's not that bad." I tell him and he chuckles.

"That's not going to make me relax when I see you grimace every two seconds Ana." He says kindly and I chuckle. "Just try and relax baby ok?"

"Fine." I mumble and turn my head back to the ceiling and close my eyes.

The doctor returns with the ultrasound machine and he doesn't need to tell me how it works. I roll my gown up after pulling down the blanket and I don't care about hiding my panties. He wastes no time in getting the cold gel on my stomach and rolling the Doppler around causing me even more pain.

"Well Mrs Grey I can tell you not pregnant."

"Thank heavens." I mutter as I hold my breath hoping to reduce the pain.

"There's some inflammation around the appendix as I suspected but like I said this machine isn't the best to diagnose appendicitis but I don't want to take you to receive unnecessary radiation. Now you have a choice to make about the surgery." He says as he gives me some blue roll to wipe down my stomach which hurts like hell. "You can either have a two to three inch incision about here and I'll have a plastic surgeon there to stich you up afterwards…" There are small benefits when you're a huge benefactor of the hospital. "… or we can do three one centimetre wide incisions here, here and here." He signals on my stomach.

"What are the pros and cons of each?" I ask drowsily, I'm so tired but in too much pain to sleep.

"Which is safest?" Christian asks before the Doctor can reply to my question.

"The safest is the laparotomy a two to three inch incision, reduced risk of infection and it's much easier to do. However the laparoscopy is minimally invasive and has a shorter recovery time."

"Laparoscopy."

"Laparotomy."

Christian and I answer at the same time.

"Ok I am guessing this something you need to discuss."

"Doctor what is the difference in recovery time?" I ask stopping him from leaving.

"With Laparoscopy you're looking at a few days to three weeks. Laparotomy a few days to six weeks, it varies from patient to patient." He replies.

"And the scars, which would be worse?"

"It depends on your preference, I've had people regret going for one or the other, with laparoscopy three small scars about this big…" He signals with his finger. "Here, here and here." He points to the areas on my stomach, they're quite far apart… "Laparotomy about this big and just here."

"Ok thank you." I nod.

"I'll leave you to make your decision while I book an operating room but I do need a decision in the next five minutes."

"I'll have it for you." I reply and he nods and leaves taking the ultrasound with him.

"This isn't up for discussion Ana you're having the safest procedure."

"I can't be out of action six weeks Christian the marathon is in four." I reply sleepily, I haven't the energy to fight with him.

"There are more important things than a marathon to think about, what if you get an infection from the newer technique and die Ana? Your selfishness could lose India her mother." Fuck he hits right where it hurts doesn't he?

"Fine." I mumble, I haven't the strength to argue. "Laparotomy it is."

* * *

It's six o'clock when I finally get moving towards my surgery. I have a black inked line on my abdomen showing where they will cut and my hair is in a net, I'm also wearing paper panties… not nice or comfortable.

Christian comes down with me towards the pre-op space and I'm not surprised to see Grace there all scrubbed up, I'm glad she's going to be with me. The line in my IV is removed and the doctor comes to my side once again. I wonder how old he is, how long he's been a doctor, he can't be that much older than Christian because he looks really young but I know for a fact they wouldn't let some trainee or intern operate on me either.

"Ok Mrs Grey we're going to put you under the anaesthesia now, I want you to think hard about something you want after surgery, something that will make you happy."

I think of my daughter and husband and nod and smile at the doctor.

"Good girl, now then, count back from ten for me." He says and I feel him at my hand.

"Ten, nine, eight…" My counting is slow and lazy, slowly becoming more slurred. "Seven, six…" I feel a mask being brought to my face and I want to stop it but it's just seconds before I'm taken from consciousness.

* * *

"Ana are you with us?"

My eyes lazily flutter open and then close again, the room is bright and it stings my eyes to have them open.

"Ana sweetie open those bright blue eyes for me." I recognise Grace's voice and my eyes flutter open to meet her beautiful smile. "That's it. Good girl. Now the surgery went successfully without any complications, you're now on the post-op ward and we'll keep you here for tonight and get you into a room for tomorrow." I just nod, my mouth feels like cotton balls.

"Ok, good girl." Grace strokes my hair gently. "You're going to be groggy for the next few hours, Christian's been informed that you're awake and he'll be up in a minute but India can't come on the ward ok?" I just nod weakly, I feel drained. "Close your eyes sweetie and try sleep some." I nod and do as she says drifting away easily.

* * *

When my eyes open again they instantly meet Christian's. I smile at him and I watch as the tension ease from his body and he smiles back.

"Mom said you'd woken but I didn't believe her until now." He says relaxing, I can imagine my surgery being a very tense time for him.

"She said it went ok." I say, my voice sounds gravelly and horrible.

"Yeah she told me the same, no complications. That's good Ana." Christian beams.

"I'm so tired." I tell him and he nods.

"Any pain?" I shake my head, thank heavens the pain is gone.

"Christian?" We both turn our head to the sound of our angel's voice. Grace smiles and comes into the cubicle I'm in with a sad smile. "You can't stay here sweetheart, this ward is full of post op patients that need care. I know you want to but I'm sorry."

"Go home to India." I tell him and he sighs, he knows by my request there's no room for argument.

"I'm not going anywhere Christian, go on get out of here." Grace encourages and Christian sighs once more before getting to his feet. He kisses my head softly and I smile at him, hoping to relax him.

"I love you and I'll be back first thing in the morning."

"I love you too." I reply and he thankfully leaves before I can get emotional.

"Any pain Ana?" Grace asks taking Christian's seat, I shake my head.

"I'm thirsty." I reply with a husky dry voice.

"I'll get you some water." She smiles giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

"Thank you." I reply closing my eyes as she leaves, I don't see the water as I fall back asleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**I don't say this enough – Thank you to everyone reading and reviewing, your thoughts mean so much to me, I like knowing what you're thinking about the future chapters and what you think of what you've just read, it helps me decide what to do next when I'm undecided! Please keep them coming! Steff xx**

**Sunday March 31st 2013 – Part 1**

I wake up alone in bed in slight pain. The curtains that surrounded my bed last night has been opened and I can now see I'm in an open ward of about eight patients who are all looking in a varying degree of health.

"You ok there?"

My eyes snap up to meet the eyes of the man in the bed beside mine, he looks exhausted, in his early fifties with a dark head of thinning hair and a beard, he actually looks like one of those Santa Clauses you'd get at the mall around Christmas.

"Yes thank you. You?" I ask politely, he looks exhausted.

"I'm better now." He chuckles and winces simultaneously. "Had my appendix removed yesterday." He says.

"Me too." I say giving him a smile, he chuckles and winces again. "Sorry." I feel the need to apologise for making him laugh.

"Not to worry, they say laughter is the best medicine." He says giving me a bright smile, he really does look like he dresses up a Santa at Christmas.

Separating our beds are two bedside cabinets and between them some hospital equipment though from how are beds are set we can see each other quite easily by turning our head to the side.

"When did you have yours out?" He asks, it's nice to have someone to talk to who knows exactly what I went through.

"I was in surgery at six last night." I reply.

"Your surgery was quick I was awake when they bought you in." He smiles. "I'm Thomas by the way."

"Ana." I say back, he's so friendly and talking to him is making me forget about the weak throbbing in my side. "So when did you have your surgery?"

"Two yesterday." He says and I nod and take a slow breath to try and forget about the pain. "Don't worry they'll give you some wicked drugs later and you'll be as high as kite." He teases making me laugh which I realise is really painful. "Sorry." He says but I shake my head, he's right, laughter is the best medicine. "So what do you do when you're not in a hospital bed Ana?"

"I … dabble." I shrug, I don't really want to go into my career. "And you?"

"I'm a carpenter." He says making me think of Ray, I'm sure he and Margery have been told about my surgery by now, I hope Christian told Bob too, he's doing well having come out of Fairfax while I was on tour, he even joined me in Chicago Illinois and stayed on the road with me for four days. It was nice to spend time with him and he often mentioned how proud my Mom was of me and would be of me now.

"Are you married?" I ask and he shakes his head sadly.

"Divorced." He says. "You?"

"Yeah." I wiggle my bare finger remembering quickly that Christian has my rings. I had to take them off for the surgery.

"You're still a baby, how old are you?" He asks almost like a protective father in manner making me smile.

"Twenty three, been married for nearly two years now." I say with a smile.

"Still fresh then." He chuckles. "You can see in your eye that you love your husband thought."

"I do." I smile.

"Children?"

"One daughter, India, she's almost seven month old now." I say with an even bigger smile at the thought of my little bundle of joy, my India.

"Pretty name. I have two, they're both older than you now." He says with a small chuckle making me laugh too, both of us wincing simultaneously.

"Good morning Ana." I turn my head and smile at Grace, she's dressed in her uniform so I'm guessing she's either my assigned doctor or she's working elsewhere and popping in to see me, I turn from Thomas to smile at my Mother in law..

"Morning Grace." I smile accepting a kiss on the head from her.

"Now if only all doctors greeted like that." Thomas chuckles making me laugh.

"You befriending the neighbours there Ana?" Grace asks as I try and control my laughter to control the pain.

"Thomas this is my Mother-in-law Grace." I say introducing as I try to relax my body, any tension makes my side throb, reminding me that less than twenty four hours ago I had surgery.

"Pleasure to meet you." Thomas says nodding his head politely.

"You too Thomas." Grace smiles. "Now Ana scale of one to ten how is the pain when you're not giggling?"

"About a six."

"Try eight." Thomas says and I flash him a glare that I can't hold. "She's been trying breath control for the past hour."

"Ok, well we'll up the morphine in a minute, we brought it down during the night."

"Told you they'd give you some cool drugs." Thomas winks making me giggle painfully again.

"Grace have you been here all night?" I ask trying not to be angry with her.

"It was either me or that husband of yours." Grace says and I realise that Christian probably threatened to stay even though I sent him home. "Now then I need to see your surgical wound so gently and slowly we're going to lift your gown ok." She says shutting my curtain moving quickly and smoothly, she knows what she's doing.

I don't mind her seeing me in paper panties as she helps me lift my gown. I lay back when she pulls on some gloves before pulling back the gauze and I gasp at the sight of my hip.

"It looks worse now." She says gently. I hope so. My hips I black and blue in bruises and the site of the surgery is ugly and black. "The plastic surgeon used dissolvable stiches and he did a good job Ana, you should have a very tidy scar."

"I guess." I say cocking my head to try and visualise a nice small healthy scar instead of this big black ugly mark on my body surrounded by a sea of bruises.

"It looks good, no sign of infection. I want to take your temperature and then…" Her speech is interrupted by a high pitched alarm. She springs into action, covering my wound gently before throwing open the curtain that separates my bed from Thomas'. It's his heart monitor squealing one monotone high pitched beep and I watch as Grace calls for help, knocks a button on the walls and then gets to work.

I'm caught in a trap between horrified and awe. Seeing Grace reacting in a high pressured situation is a novelty but I know that there's something really wrong with Thomas. A team rushes over and I watch as Grace begins shouting instructions. My mouth is dry and I'm horrified as I watch them put paddles to his chest.

"Charting two eighty… clear! Shocking!" Grace yells.

They repeat the process but the high pitched alarm continues blaring loudly with a random beep after each time he's shocked. It feels like hours but I know it's only minutes when the group stop working while the alarm still blares loudly.

A nurse steps forward and switches off the alarm and I watch a defeated looking Grace sigh and return the paddles to it's machine.

"Time of death… eight oh nine am." Grace says.

My mouth falls open and tears fill my eyes. I wish they'd close the curtains between our beds. Thomas is dead? He just had is appendix out! He's dead?! Finally Grace looks at me and she gives me a sad smile before stepping to my side and shutting the curtain, hiding Thomas' body.

"Grace…"

"It doesn't say much Ana…"

"He had is appendix out yesterday and now he's dead?" I ask my tears uncontrollable as they slip down my cheeks.

"It doesn't say much Ana." Grace steps to the side of my bed and takes my hand in her own. "They'll do an autopsy it could have been a lot of things that killed him and the fact that he had his appendix out… it doesn't say much Ana."

I cup my free hand over my eyes. Ten minutes ago the man was laughing and flirting with Grace and now he's dead? After getting his appendix out?

"He has two children." I say quietly.

"They'll be notified and asked to collect the body after the autopsy." Grace says gently as she brushes my hair out of my face. "Now I'm going to finish checking your hip and put a rush on getting you to your own room ok? There's a lot of people been calling to ask if they can visit and Christian can bring that gorgeous little girl of yours to see you."

"A man has just died who was engaged in friendly conversation with me fifteen minutes ago Grace…"

"I know sweetie." She says sadly, I know she's feeling some of the pain, no matter how much she's a doctor and has seen people die like this, it's affecting her.

"He died." I say quietly.

* * *

Thankfully Grace puts a rush on getting me out of the post-op ward and into a private side room in another part of the hospital, the ride there is interesting. Rather than moving me from the bed into a wheelchair hospital porters move my bed with Grace beside me the entire time. I'm still in a state a shock about Thomas. He's dead. Just like that his life is over. He was supposed to be recovering from a minor surgery and his life is over just like that.

Once I'm settled into a new bed in a side room Grace helps me get cleaned up by giving me a bed bath and she brushes my hair while singing a lullaby to me to softly.

"Sleep my child and peace attend thee, all through the night." Her voice is so sweet and melodic, it's nice, my Mom never sang to me. "Guardian Angels, God will send thee, all through the night." I think her singing and brushing my hair is having as peaceful effect on Grace as it is on me. Having seen her do everything she could to save Thomas' life I am filled with even more love and respect for the woman I'm proud to call my Mother-in-law. "Soft the drowsy hours are creeping, hill and vale in slumber sleeping. I my loving vigil keeping, all through the night." I may have been sleeping all night but I feel drowsy with her singing and brushing my hair, it's comforting to know she's here and I can sleep if I want to because I'm safe with Grace.

"While the moon her watch is keeping, all through the night, while the weary world is sleeping, all through the night, o'er they spirit gently stealing, visions of delight revealing, breathes a pure and holy feeling, all through the night… get some rest sweetheart." She kisses my head and I close my eyes drifting off to sleep, peaceful in the knowledge that Grace is here with me and I'm safe.

* * *

When I wake up it's to the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. It's my baby girl giggling in her father's lap.

"Ana baby, we didn't mean to wake you." Christian says when he sees I'm awake.

"It's fine. I don't want to sleep too much." I reply giving him a smile of my own, for the moment forgetting all about Thomas.

"You need to rest baby you've had surgery."

"No, right now Christian I want a kiss off my husband and to hold my daughter." I tell him and he sighs and rolls his eyes, he hates it when I do that but him… he can do it whenever he damn pleases with no consequence!

"I will happily kiss you Ana but you can't have India bouncing all over you while you've just had surgery."

"I didn't just have surgery, I had surgery last night. I'm fine, pain is near zero. Please Christian? I just want to hold my baby…"

"Ok." He concedes. I knew he would…

He comes over with a smile and India in his arms, her back to his chest while she flails wildly. He leans down and gives me a soft kiss before gently putting India on my right hand side. Of course my over enthusiastic, energetic baby girl throws herself straight on my stomach making me hiss in agonising pain and causing Christian to scoop her off the bed.

"Now do you see why I said no baby?" He asks as I try to hide my tears. "I'm going to get Mom to check your wound and then there are people here to see you."

"And while they're here take India home, a hospital is no place for a child not even one yet and… and having her here and not being able to hold her hurts." I admit quietly, I want my baby girl in my arms, especially as slowly, the horrors of the morning return to the forefront of my mind.

"Ok." Christian sighs. "I'll have Jason take her home."

"No, Christian, you take her. I'm fine right here and you can come back later and tell your Mom to get some sleep too."

He exhales loudly, I know he's dying to have everything in his control right now but he won't be able to win me over. I just want my baby out of this place and at home and I know Christian has seen me looking worse but I hate him seeing me like this. I'm worried he'll get ideas about me being submissive in this state, not sexually obviously but in every other way, that's why I need to show my dominance in this situation.

"I'm not going to win this am I?"

"No you're not." I smile as he comes to kiss me once more.

"I love you."

"You too." I reply thankful when he slips out the door.

Grace doesn't take a minute to check my over and then she kisses me before leaving. I lay back wanting to sleep some more but I don't get the chance as the door swings open revealing Bob, Ray and Margery.

"Hi you guys!" I smile trying to be enthusiastic as they come in, Marge with flowers in her hand which she happily passes over to me.

"Thank you." I smile at the woman who will soon be my step-mother… well the wife to my step-father… still step-mother, he's my Dad genetics don't matter.

"How are you Annie?" Ray asks as he takes the flowers from me seeing as I'm unable to move to put them to the side.

"I'm ok, in a little pain because India threw herself on me because I refused to listen to Christian to not hold her but otherwise I'm good."

"Do you need some medication, I'll call a nurse." Bob says, he looks so good, I'm glad we got him sorted.

"I'm fine Bob, any pain is better than the pain I was in before I got here. I'd rather give birth again and I did that naturally!" I say making everyone chuckle. "Now sit down and fill me in on the wedding plans."

Marge beams and happily sits down with Ray to fill me in, I steal nervous glances towards Bob who has taken my hand but he seems content in listening to Marge talk about the wedding that will take place at the house on the sound with both Ray and Marge moving to Seattle to be closer to the family. I'm convinced it's Margery's idea. Ray has never expressed any desire to move but I think my acceptance of Margery as the grandmother in India's life on my side and as a third Mother or forth if you count Gail, I think she wants to be close to family.

They don't stay too long, comfortable in informing me they had to fight to be the first in to see me! I feel especially loved in hearing how the entire family and a few friends are happily waiting for their opportunity to check that I'm ok with cards, flowers and balloons, they're all so sweet!

Carrick comes in next alone. I guess Grace is finally resting.

"How are you my sweet child?" He asks after giving me a kiss on the head.

"I'm ok Carrick." I reply with a smile as I take hold of his aged hand, he has a workman's hand which is strange for a lawyer.

"Grace told me about that man this morning." He says visibly shaken at the idea.

"Do they know what happened yet?" I ask in hope.

"They're doing the autopsy this afternoon. I spoke with his daughter, they disowned him years ago, wouldn't say why but they have given verbal permission for information to be released to me. Also they don't want anything to be done with the body or the funeral…"

"I'll take care of it." I say quickly interrupting him. "I know we only just met but he was so kind Carrick, he reminded me a little of you, Bob and Ray. I don't know what he did for his family to disown me but in the few minutes we knew each other he showed me nothing but kindness."

"I'll sort it." He says gently, I guess he understands my point. "Maybe we can just find a nice small grave spot and have a graveside short service?"

"That would be nice." I reply with a smile, I mean I don't know the man to give him a real send-off but he deserves something, some kind of farewell.

"Ok, leave it with me Ana I'll sort it ok, you just rest up and get well." He kisses my head once more before he's off out the door, something tells me he is going to sort out everything for Thomas.

Kate, Elliot and Mia come next baring a get well soon balloon, newspapers, cards and a teddy bear. The three of them instantly bring smiles to my face as they settle beside the bed.

"Ana Grey, Seattle's sweetheart was yesterday seen rushed from her home on the Puget Sound here in Seattle to Seattle Grace Hospital where she is a huge benefactor. The girl who captured the natures heart won three awards at the International Book Awards in New York on Saturday night for her books Fifty Shades and Mia the Mouse. The brunette beauty is rumoured to have been having a second miscarriage, on tour in New York after the flying success of her first book in the Fifty Trilogy the mother of one admitted to her first pregnancy ending in miscarriage, an eye witness spoke of how the CEO clutched at her stomach while crying in pain as she was transported from her family SUV into a wheelchair. There has been no statement made from Mrs Grey's company Anastasia Grey Incorporated or from her Husband's the multi-billionaire CEO Christian Grey's Grey's enterprises holdings. It is rumoured that friends of Ana Grey from New York are flying to see her including Ryan Seacrest and Kristin Chenoweth. We at Seattle Times wish the Grey's well and a get well soon to our sweetie." Kate reads from the paper.

"Who the fuck wrote that garbage?" I ask looking at my sister in law, I love finally being able to say that and it being true, Kate and Elliot had such a beautiful wedding just days before Christmas.

"No idea, I've been off all week with moving into the new house."

Of course, I'd completely forgotten that Kate and Elliot were finally moving into their modern mansion on the sound only around the corner from our house.

"Ana Grey, Seattle's Sweetheart, the only woman who could make front page news with appendicitis!" Elliot chuckles making me giggle and wince, the pain in my side becomes stronger with each passing minute.

"Are you ok Ana? Need me to get Mom?" Mia asks having seen me flinching.

"No I'm fine, thanks Mia." I say with a weak smile. I'm more tired than I am hurting, I'm drained.

"Here's another one." Elliot says with a different paper in his hand and I relax to listen to him reading to me. "It is rumoured that Seattle's own sweetheart was yesterday rushed into hospital after suffering a miscarriage. The three time International Book Awards winner was Friday celebrating her wins at the Waldorf in New York. The multi-talented twenty three year old was seen in New York purchasing pain medication and a pregnancy test yesterday morning and was later seen rushed from her Seattle home in the arms of her husband Philanthropic CEO Christian Grey. It is a known fact that Ana Grey suffered a miscarriage in October of two thousand and eleven after an attempt was made on her life. The couple happily celebrated the birth of their daughter India Annalise Grey in September of two thousand and twelve, the now six month heir to the Grey fortune is the centre of her parents universe and we can only imagine the heartache the couple are now facing at the loss of another unborn child. We hope to hear from Grey's House or Ana's Palace in the near future."

"Ok enough!" I say laughing weakly. "Kate is Hannah here?" I ask knowing she's most likely to be honest with me on the matter.

"Yeah she's with Luke, they're dying to see you!"

"You have your own personal fan club in the waiting room Ana!" Mia giggles making me smile.

"I think I'd like to see Hannah next, arrange for a statement to be released… another miscarriage…" I shake my head, it's funny how papers jump to conclusion!

"You need to be resting Ana."

"Too much to do for rest, I have to work from my hospital bed." I sigh, there's no way in the world that I'm sitting here for God knows how long doing nothing. "I may be immobile and in a small amount of discomfort but I'm going to work while I can, it may be nice to focus on the business aspect of things for a while!"

"Ok we'll go and let Hannah in just don't overdo it little sis." Elliot says getting to his feet, I know he can see me also getting tired and wanting to see everyone before getting some sleep.

Thankfully as soon as Kate, Mia and Elliot have gone Hannah, Luke, Taylor, Gail and Zachary come in making me smile, these people are as much of my immediate family as Christian and India are.

"Ana!" Zachary comes barrelling over but Taylor scoops him up before he can throw himself on me.

"Zach, we told you that you have to be careful with Ana because she's really sore didn't we?" Gail says looking into the little boys big brown eyes, I can't help but smile, he's just adorable.

"Yes Gail." He says pouting, he fluctuates between calling Gail and Jason Mom and Dad, it's usually when he's in trouble that they get first names from him!

"Good boy, now then, gently." Taylor says putting him on the bed beside me as carefully as he can knowing that I want a hug of Zach as much as Zach wants to hug me.

"Hey Zach." I smile accepting a very gentle embrace from the little boy.

"Hi Ana, are you sick?" He asks pulling away to look into my eyes, his little brown orbs look so concerned.

"I was but I'm getting better now." I tell him and he smiles seemingly content with that answer.

"Can we snuggle?" He asks, normally when Gail's working and India is down for her nap when I'm home we snuggle on the couch to watch TV, I look at Zach sometimes like he's my little brother, very little brother at that.

"Course we can buddy." I smile and he happily drops down on my right hand side and snuggles into my side, it still causes some pain and I hiss trying to hide it but everyone other than Zachary notices.

"Gentle Zachary." Jason warns and he smiles sheepishly up at me.

"You're good there." I say running my fingers through his wild afro.

"How are you doing Ana?" Gail asks taking the seat occupied by Elliot earlier.

"I'm ok, a little groggy and tired, it's uncomfortable but I'm ok." I say knowing she's concerned like a mother over her child.

"You gave us all quite a scare." She says and I sigh.

"I seem to do that a lot." I say only half joking but everyone laughs other than Zach, he is content in playing with the bear Mia got me. "Hannah I need you to get onto PR get them to release a statement saying that I'm doing fine that I had my appendix removed and there was definitely no miscarriage and I'm not pregnant either. I'm in hospital but I'm well."

"I'll get right on it Ana." She says whipping her blackberry from her pocket before excusing herself from the room.

"Hannah's worried about the marathon." Luke says quietly.

"I'm still doing it." I say making everyone's eyes widen. "I can be back to normal in four weeks…"

"It could take longer if you push yourself." Jason intersects and I roll my eyes sighing.

"I will walk the whole damn thing if I have to, too much money has been raised for me to back out now." I say. "And anyway, with all the training and the state of my body I should be good to go in two weeks or so."

"I've had my appendix out Ana and I've always been fit and healthy took me a good six weeks before I was to full strength." Taylor argues and I roll my eyes again.

"I might not be able to run the marathon in under five hours but I don't care, I'm still doing it." I say making it clear that's the end of the argument, it's not like I don't have to go to London anyway, I do have other commitments while I'm there including an interview on Jonathon Ross and a guest appearance on Celebrity Juice which is some very cheesy and vulgar TV show that I'm actually looking forward too!

"Just take each day as it comes Sweetheart you'll know what you can do." Gail says as Hannah comes in again.

"PR are on it Ana the statement will be in the afternoon papers but I'll warn you the press are camped outside the hospital."

"They need a life." I say dejectedly, I hate the thought of my family and friends being bombarded by the press.

"We should go and let you rest up." Taylor says taking Zach off the bed.

"I don't wanna go yet!" Zach argues.

"We can come see Ana again tomorrow big boy ok?" Jason says and Zach crosses his arms and pouts.

"Fine." He says making me giggle.

"I'll still be here tomorrow buddy, I promise." I tell him knowing I'm going to be here for the next couple of days at the least.

"Ok." He sighs and I smile.

"I've packed you a bag of stuff so you can get out of the hospital gown, I gave it to Grace." Gail says leaning over my bed a little.

"Thanks Gail, it will be lovely to have my own things." I say smiling, it really would be nice to have my own clothes and a shower or a bath or something, I bet I smell though everyone is too nice to admit it.

Gail, Taylor and Zach leave while Hannah and Luke hesitate a little. I look from one to the other sensing something is going on. Hannah comes to the side of my bed and takes my hand in her own.

"Hannah?" I ask awkwardly, what the hell is going on?

"I don't want you to get too excited but a doctor has confirmed it… Ana I'm pregnant."

"Really?" I get excited for my friend and throw my arms around her in a hug, wincing and yelping in pain.

"I told you not to get too excited." Hannah chuckles as Luke comes to help me lay back again.

"How can I not get excited! How far along? Tell me everything!" I say ushering Hannah to the chair and she happily takes it with Luke relaxing into the one next to her, his face in a wide smile, I know he's excited to be a Daddy.

"About eight weeks along." She says one hand in Luke's the other on her non-existent bump.

"That's amazing, we'll have to get that assistant of yours out of the office, when you're further along I don't want you running around too much. I want you to be stress free."

"Leave it all with me Ana, you just get better ok?"

"As long as you don't stress whatever you decide to do is ok with me." I tell her sleepily, I'm so happy for my friends. "Congrats you guys."

"Thank you. We'll go, let you get some sleep." Hannah says getting up and awkwardly giving me a hug being as gentle as she can.

"Get out of here." I tease and she slips out of the room with Luke while I close my eyes with a smile on my face, anyone else who wants to see me can wait until later. I'm too exhausted to entertain from my bed.


	13. Chapter 13

**OOPS! I mixed up my left and my rights, your appendix is on your right, I had mine out when I was 11 and have a tattoo just above the scar that says bitch in Chinese!**

**Sunday March 31st 2013 – Part 2**

I'm groggier waking up than when I fell asleep. I don't bother open my eyes, instead I squeeze them shut as the pain manages to elicit a whimper.

"Grace she's awake." I hear Carrick's voice coming from somewhere in the room but the intense discomfort in my lower right abdomen is making it impossible for me to unclench my eyes.

"There there Ana, you'll be ok in a moment." Grace's angelic voice filters into my ear as I hear her shuffling somewhere off to my right, my guess is that she's sorting out the pain medication that's running into my IV, damn I can't believe how achy I feel all over.

I manage to pry my eyes open after what feels like hours and the land straight on the beautiful protective gaze of Grace.

"How are you now sweetheart?" She asks leaning over me, her arm above my head only holding her upper body off of mine as she strokes her other hand through my hair and down my cheek.

"Ok." I say quietly.

"We lowered your pain medication but I think we may have bought it a little too low, it should be in your blood now making its way to do its job." She says softly. "I am going to sort out getting you some food and drink, Carrick will keep you company." She smiles.

"Where's Christian?"

"Struggling to do as you told him being at home with India." Grace chuckles. "He's going to come by when India goes down for the evening." I nod though a part of me whishes he was here. I watch Grace go before I turn to smile at Carrick.

"Well?" I ask him and he smirks and pulls a file from his briefcase sitting on the floor.

"The eldest daughter signed all the necessary paperwork. Thomas Dalton's body can be released to you when you're out of here. We've made arrangements to have it taken to a funeral parlour until you decide what you want to do. We tracked down where his parents are buried and I have asked them to reserve a plot for you to look at."

"That should be fine." I say not wanting to concern myself with the final details. "If we have it a week from now I should be up and moving around."

"Ok, I'll work on that." Carrick smiles relieved I think that we're getting it sorted quickly.

"I'll organise some flowers and such too, was he of any religious domination?" I ask and Carrick flicks through the file.

"Anglican Christian."

"Then we need to find a suitable minister to do the service at the graveside." I say and he nods and scribbles it down quickly. "That's it."

"Ok." Carrick smiles and puts the file back in his briefcase. "Leave it with me and I'll get it sorted for you Ana."

"Thanks Carrick. Maybe you could send his kids the details of the funeral, you never know they may want to attend in the end."

"Maybe, I'll do it and then the choice is theirs."

"Exactly." I agree as Grace comes back in with a tray.

"Eat what you can." She says putting it down in front of me and removing the cover. "It's just some chicken broth and bread."

"Thank you." I say digging in, I don't care what it is I'm starving. "Is there any way I could have a shower or something and change after?" I ask, I don't want to be a pain but I am done being stuck in bed and want to start moving around.

"There's a seat in the shower so it should be ok, maybe we can get you walking a little after your shower." Grace smiles and I smile back, relieved that she understands my reluctance to stay in bed.

"How long am I going to be here Grace?" I ask between bites of broth covered bread.

"Well normally with no complications three to four days." Grace says and I nod, that I can handle.

"Knock, knock." I look to the door to see the friendly face of John Flynn holding a bouquet of wild flowers.

"Hi John come in." I smile, it's nice to get visitors.

"Hello Ana how are you?" He asks as Grace takes the flowers from him so that they can be put in water.

"I'm good thank you, and thanks for the flowers."

"You're more than welcome." He says shifting awkwardly.

"Please sit down." I say signalling to one of the empty chairs, I don't know why Flynn is uncomfortable being around me but I guess it's just the situation, no one ever really knows what to say to a hospital patient.

"I hope you don't mind my dropping by." He says and I smile and shake my head.

"Of course not. I think I see more of everyone when I end up in a hospital bed than any other time!" I giggle making both Carrick and Flynn chuckle.

"It's not a good thing that you know that Ana!" Carrick laughs as I struggle to keep still while laughing, the pain medication doesn't eliminate the pain completely and laughing sure makes it worse.

"Well this time nothing or no one can be blamed, it's just biology that decided that my appendix needed to come out." I say and everyone nods in agreement. "Oh has anyone seen the evening papers?"

"Yes." Both men say.

"And?"

"They're glad to know that Seattle's Sweetheart is not having a miscarriage but are sorry to hear about the appendix and all wish you get well soon. Flowers have been delivered to the hospital but Grace is having them all re-routed to the house."

"Ok." I nod. "I want to shoot the person who came up with that nickname." I grumble making the men laugh.

"I think Seattle's Sweetheart is quite fitting don't you agree Carrick?" Flynn teases and Carrick nods and laughs in agreement. "While I'm here I should say congratulations on your wins at the IBA's."

"Thank you." I beam, yup I'm still in shocked and proud mode about those awards.

"It's a shock alone that you were nominated for so many, there are people looking into it but they believe you're probably one of very few to not only be nominated for so many but also to win so many in one night."

"Really?" I ask looking at the shrink in surprise.

"To be nominated for an IBA is an honour on its own Ana, your books really have grasped people's attention." He says with a smile and I blush, I know Christian gave copies of my books to John Flynn.

"It was a shock." I admit quietly and he smiles. "I actually want to see the speeches…"

"I have my iPad, I'm sure they're on YouTube by now." Carrick says and I chuckle, that's true.

Carrick eventually finds a whole contemplation of the interviews and speeches I did at the IBA's. It's quite funny to know someone has gone to all this effort to combine all the red carpet photos with the song she's so lovely by Scouting For Girls which dims whenever an interview plays. It's amazing to see the pictures zooming in and out, in at my feet slowly crawling up to my wide smiling face.

I actually must admit I look pretty good in the first dress, the smile on my face is realistic and the pictures of Kristin and I are even better, they're fun filled and I admit I really hope there was some truth that she was on her way to Seattle.

"I can't believe I corrected him…" I say when I correct one of the interviewers when he says I'm only up for seven awards.

"You should have, it's a great achievement and he missed one." Flynn says as he stands beside me watching the contemplation with me, Carrick on the other side also watching.

The best bit about being able to see this is when I walk off the interviewer, Garrett makes a comment I wouldn't have heard if it wasn't for me watching it back.

"Thank you." My voice says just as Hannah grabs my hand to lead me away.

"So there you have Ana Grey, the beautiful woman just twenty three years old looking spectacular. I can guess we'll see her walking away with her hands full tonight!"

There are more pictures then, I really love how confident I look and how happy too. I mean come on, I am not made for the life I live though I wouldn't change anything for the world, I didn't write Fifty Shades with the hopes of it becoming this successful adding to that the fame… I was scared about Christian's fame when we married and just then I've gone and made us even more of celebrities, it wasn't my aim but the press is all worth it for the fans. I have a dedicated group of followers and I love it.

"Will we see Ana's name in lights with this apparent Movie? I hope so, I can't get enough of this girl and I know I'm not the only one." One interviewer says as I walk away.

The song then changes to Pussycat Dolls don't cha which gives me a giggle as more pictures show of me on the red carpet. I must admit I like them. I don't know if they've been touched up in anyway but I do like how I look and for the first time ever I think I see myself the way other people see me. I am starting to see what they mean by me being beautiful. Ok yes I still think it's exaggerated but I do look pretty good in the floor length gown.

Then there's Christian, damn he's hot and together I guess we do make a pretty intimidating couple. He's a sex God… no scratch that he's MY sex God, all mine and that really does make me smile.

I do seem like a little excited child in the third interview. I remember having a tight grip on Christian's hand as he stood beside me but the smile on my face and the light in my eyes is indescribable I can only describe it as an excited child at Christmas.

Christian looks so proud when he speaks, his words are honest and true and that means so much to me, I've often wondered if he hates the fame I've added to his life. He's always been such a private person but that privacy has gone completely now, my fame and my decisions has taken that privacy away from him. I wonder if he'll ever resent me for it, for taking away something he held so precious?

"There you have the power duo of the decade, I don't know about you guys but I am in love with those two and cannot wait to watch them grow as a couple and as a family." The report says looking like an excited child too, actually she seems star struck! I mean I bet she's met more successful and famous people than me and Christian but she is acting and looking like a fan girl!

I love the interview with Kathy Griffin, she's so lovely and the way she takes a tissue and dabs at my eyes to make sure my mascara doesn't run, not a lot of presenters would do that but I guess she doesn't care, I mean she makes a living from ripping the piss out of people like Ryan Seacrest.

"Oh I just love her!" Kathy says before it goes to Ryan Seacrest's interview.

I can't help but wonder why the change in him. I mean he made it pretty clear what he thought of me when the first Fifty Shades was successful and now he's like a fan himself. It's confusing!

The interview with Ryan starts off so awkward but I love how Christian comes up behind me, me being oblivious till his arm wraps around me and pulls me to his chest, he's so possessive and I love that about him, one of his fifty shades.

I have heard this interview before but I still can't believe me singing with no music without much of a care, yes my voice shakes a little with nerves but I'm pretty good, well at least I hope I'm pretty good.

When I walk off Ryan is rubbing his teeth and then looking to someone behind the camera for support, it makes me giggle, I couldn't resist!

Thankfully, the pictures where I didn't win the first award that was announced isn't obvious in my face. I clap and smile and look so natural and not disappointed, thankfully! Of course they show RJ Wilks winning which shows me with a huge proud smile on my face. Even if I hadn't written anything I would have still been there at RJ's table supporting him and cheering him on but being there winning my own awards was spectacular and indescribable.

"Wow!" I give an exaggerated sigh as I glance around the vast room. I remember so much the emotions I was feeling when Mia the Mouse won the award. "Uh I really am speechless and I don't just mean I can't think what to say I actually have nothing prepared. This is a shock… I should say thank you to Mia my beautiful sister in law who the mouse in this book is portrayed after, to Christian my husband you are… my love, thank you for encouraging me and being by my side through everything… uh… Grey's Publishing for doing as I said and putting a rush on getting this series out so that we could raise the money for Seattle Grace Paediatrics. And of course thank you to everyone who nominated the book and to the IBA for choosing it as the winner. Thank you."

"That was so lame!" I say as the audience laughs at my speechless joke! I want to hide behind my hands in shame but manage not too as both Carrick and John laugh beside me.

The backstage interview is funny, I look like a deer in headlights as the shock was beginning to wear off and the result was starting to sink in, I was a IBA winner, how the hell did that happen? I gawp at the screen, I think it's only just really sinking in that it's me on there, that I stood up in front of all those people and thanked them for an award that I not even in my wildest dreams expected to win.

"So there you have it, the first win for Ana Grey with her book Mia the Mouse. With Ana waiting for more results this evening what do you guys wanna bet that she will be with us again tonight? I have a few tweets here from supporters of Ana Grey. "Kristin Chenoweth who is here tonight says "Huge congrats to my girl Ana, so happy for her she deserves this and more! Kathy Griffin who is also here tonight says "no surprises on the win for Ana Grey, more surprised at the losses. Ryan Seacrest Says Big well done to Ana Grey, her charity work with the books deserves to be noticed. We'll say congrats Ana and we look forward to meeting with you again tonight."

I gawp at the screen, I can't believe the support I've had from people with my wins even Seacrest!

"Oh holy … hell." I laugh at my almost blunder in saying shit, that would have been funny! "Wow uh thank you so much." I can see how much I'm struggling not to cry. "Uh I don't know where to start again… uh Christian… my muse my inspiration I wouldn't be stood here without you… Hope my editor you did amazing with these books and I love you thank you … Hannah my PA my support… My Dad thank you for your encouragement for making me who I am today and Mom… this for you Mom and I just hope you're proud of me today…" I want to smack myself for crying! I cannot believe I let my guard down enough to cry. "This is for you Mom."

The last speech I give I'm a complete mess. I wish I could chastise myself, I didn't want to cry it makes me seem weak and I'm not weak! The award I hand out I look ok but I'm starting to see what they meant by the dress being too old for me. I'm a twenty three year old woman wearing a dress that would suit me in twenty years' time, it's a dress I think would look amazing on Grace or Gail and there I am on stage wearing it. Maybe I should really be more careful when choosing my dresses, though I like the dress it doesn't really scream twenty three year old successful woman!

When the video finishes I scroll down to look at the comments. Then really wish I hadn't. Carrick goes to take the iPad from me but I stop him with my arm.

Don't get me wrong there are some lovely comments but there are also some not so nice.

_Who wants a bet Ana Grey was a porn star in another life. I'd love to see her spread eagle…_ ok that one is not so bad really but still…

_Fame whore! I'm fed up of seeing her everywhere! The girl needs to focus on being a mother to her beautiful daughter and leave the fame to the real celebrities._

_She tells Seacrest that she and her husband are bringing up their daughter but where is she while they're on the red carpet in NYC?_

"Ana stop it." Flynn says snatching the iPad from my hand and handing it to Carrick. "There are always going to be people like that, every celebrity has haters you're not the only one."

"I know." I say quietly though some of those comments really have stung.

"Don't stop doing what you do just because of a small group of people. You're talented and successful and people are threatened by that." Carrick says tucking the iPad away.

"I know." I say more forceful than necessary. "Am I a bad Mother?" I ask looking to my father in law.

"Of course not. India adores you Anastasia." He says and the use of my first name has me really paying attention, he's pulling the father card on me here. "You're an amazing mother and that little girl worships you."

"She can't worship me if I'm not around…"

"Now enough." Carrick snaps. "I will not sit here and listen to you berate yourself. India loves you and you are there for her. You flew home during your tour because she was teething and you wanted to be there, granted you were only in Seattle a few hours but that's because we persuaded you to go back and then when she came to you on tour still teething you were on the phone every hour with Grace making sure you were doing everything right by her and then you kept her with you a little longer having Christian come to you because you'd got her settled and didn't want to disrupt her, do you know how many celebrities miss their children's first word, first smile, first steps, tooth? You've been there for it all Ana, you didn't miss a second of her development."

"That was luck though, India seemed to wait for me and Christian to be together…"

"No, that was her saving it for you, she wanted you to have that." Flynn interrupts and I look at him and sigh, I still feel bad.

"Maybe I should slow down, pull the single and the next animal hospital book." I say quietly and Carrick takes a gentle hold on my face and turns me to look at him.

"What will you tell India when she grows up? She'll find out you were supposed to release a single and more books and what will she feel when she finds out you stopped for her? She'll feel guilty about it Ana though if you carry on she'll be so proud of you, that you were a great Mom who was there for her while still doing all these amazing things." Carrick's voice is full of anger which I feel hitting me hard, he's right though in what he says. I mean it would be the same if Christian was to work less and stop being himself for me or India, it would make me feel guilty so guilty.

"Ok." I sigh before laying back in my bed. "I won't stop but I want to be a good Mom Carrick, India and Christian are my world."

"And they know it." Flynn says making me smile. "Now, I'm gonna head off but listen to your father in law Ana, he's a wise man."

"Thanks Flynn, and thanks for stopping by."

"No problem, you just get well soon." He says giving my hand a squeeze before leaving. I sigh and close my eyes, embarrassed at the overload of emotions I went through in front of a family friend and my daughter's God-Father who just happens to be a shrink and my discharge practitioner from Fairfax. I can't help but wonder how long until I get a visit from Sandra because I did sign that they could discuss me among each other though I don't know how much they do these days with me seeing Sandra and not Flynn.

"How about I go fetch Grace now and see if you can get showered and into your own pyjamas?" Carrick asks and I smile and nod, he really does know what to say sometimes.

"Thanks Carrick." I say has he gets up giving my hand a squeeze in acknowledgement.

Once I'm showered and dressed I'm told there are two people who have arrived to visit me who are demanding to see me even though they're not on Christian's little approved list. Their names have me grinning, well one does, the other has me frowning but I agree to see them both anyway.

"Ana!" Kristin yells as soon as the door is open, she has flowers, teddy and two balloons in her hands as she struggles through the door. Behind her is a timid looking Ryan Seacrest with what seems to be three IBA's… my IBA's.

"Kristin hey, hi Ryan." I say as Kristin begins adding her balloons to the other one at the end of my bed as Ryan places my awards on the side table.

"I thought it would be a good idea to have them here, Christian sent one of your security guards with them." He says sheepishly and I smile, that's really thoughtful even if I don't know what his motive is.

"Thanks Ryan." I say as Kristin shoves two cards under my nose.

"Open them." She says placing the flowers on the table that comes over the bed and puts the bear beside Mia's on my side.

I open the first card and it's a get well soon one from Kristin, the second is from Ryan and I thank them both before putting them on the other side table.

"So how are you? the papers got it right this time right? It was appendicitis?" Kristin asks as she sits on one side while Ryan sits on the other.

"Yeah it was." I say with a smile. "I'm not pregnant, I didn't have a miscarriage."

"Good to know." Kristin smiles.

"What the hell made you two fly out here?" I ask dazed.

"Well I said I'd come visit." Kristin says rolling her eyes making me giggle. "I didn't think it would be this soon but you looked fine at the IBA's and I knew it was serious as soon as I heard you'd been rushed to hospital so … here I am. Your husband has offered me a room at the house, it's up to you, I could go to a hotel but I've gotten my schedule freed up for the next two weeks and I'm going to keep you company while you get back on your feet."

"You don't have to do that."

"I know but I want too, I've missed you girl! I mean dinner and drinks and a sleepover while you were on your New York break on your tour was nice but that was nearly two months ago!" She says and I laugh, that's true, I love this woman and we've become so close exchanging emails weekly but we don't see enough of each other.

"Ok, stay at the house, there's no point you going to a hotel." I say, it's like we've forgotten about Ryan until he coughs awkwardly and we let him into the conversation. "Why did you come down Ryan?" I ask uncomfortable at the awkwardness of this situation.

"Look I know I was a bit of a prick when you started off your career Ana, I had to work for my fame and I felt like you didn't but now you have, you deserve everything you've gotten and I'm so sorry for the things I said, I never meant any of it I was just jealous."

"You're forgiven." I say giving him a smile and he smiles back, I can't be doing with any awkwardness. "So what are your plans while you're in Seattle?"

"Well I'm here for the week, I was hoping I could get to know you a little better. Don't worry though I won't be selling any exclusives or blogging about you, from what I've seen of your tour and when we've spoken you're a good person, I like being friends with good people." He says awkwardly and I laugh. "What about Perez?"

"We fell out after you left New York, he was still bitching about you and I'd had enough." He says shrugging, I hate that he lost a friend over this but it's what Perez deserved. "I also want to apologise for what I said at the IBA's, I didn't mean it to come out the way it sounded…"

"What?" I frown, I have no idea about what he's talking about.

"About your daughter, India, I didn't mean it to sound like I was saying you weren't being a good Mom or anything like that. I was so embarrassed when I watched it back and I had a few nasty tweets about it…" He looks really embarrassed too.

"It's fine Ryan." I say gently and he finally looks me in the eye. "Maybe while you're here you can meet her."

"That would be good."

"I'm dying to see that little faux niece of mine." Kristin says making me giggle, I remember when she first visited India and how she called herself Faux Aunt Kristin and called India Faux Niece, of course the Faux Aunt part was dropped and Kristin is Aunt Kristin, Christian and I discussed if we ever had another child to have Kristin as a God-parent, she's been so good to India offering to babysit in New York so Christian and I could have a night out and she also spoiled her rotten at Christmas.

"I'm sure India's excited to see her Faux Aunt Kristin too."


	14. Chapter 14

**I have no rights to the song Beneath Your Beautiful by Labrinth and Emeli Sande, used for entertainment and storyline purposes only. **

**Tuesday April 2nd 2013**

Finally I'm going home. I was ready yesterday but good old Doctor Grace saw no harm in me staying just one more night. I'm walking, albeit in discomfort but still… I'm also eating and drinking and using the bathroom without issues and now I'm ready to get my life back on track.

Lola came over to see me yesterday and she sees no reason why I can't do the marathon even though she agrees with me that my goal of less than five hours isn't realistic anymore, we're aiming for less than seven now maybe just less than six depending on my training. Also we're moving my training to the pool for the next week. Starting tomorrow I'm going to be swimming lengths in the pool in the house just to keep my energy levels until I can starting running again, of course realistically we're looking two to three weeks before I'll be able to run again which leaves us with as little as a week to practise the full Marathon length.

Christian and Taylor come to pick me up from the hospital. Hannah, Kristin and Luke are with India at home and the rest of the family have thankfully understood my wishes not to have a welcome home brigade. I just want to go in and see my daughter and have a good meal curtsey of Mrs Taylor who has accepted my request for BBQ wings with celery and cool dip followed by a main of a beef burger with all the toppings and fries with strawberry cheesecake for after. Realistically I probably won't be able to eat all of my favourite foods but I'm done with hospital gloop and look forward to a real meal.

The drive home is uncomfortable, the roads in Seattle aren't the best but thankfully I am on enough pain pills that it's not painful. We arrive at the house and I have to push Christian's attempt to carry me inside, I want to walk, Grace said it was good to do some walking just not to overdo it.

Christian takes my arm thankfully and lets me put my weight on him while I take tiny steps on the uneven gravel. I'm still in my slippers not seeing the point of putting on any shoes just to leave the hospital. Zachary meets us at the door but a glare from Jason stops him pouncing on me and I think he can see my inability to have him jumping on me right now.

In the living room Kristin is sitting on the floor playing with India. She beams when she seems me and gets India's attention from the toy in her hand to me.

"Hey baby girl." I say looking at the beautiful blue eyes of my princess.

"Mamamama." She gurgles excitedly before breaking out into a speed crawl towards us.

Kristin thankfully scoops India up knowing I can't bend down to hold her right now. I kiss her cheek and stroke her hair while she babbles excitedly.

"Mama has missed you precious princess." I tell her and she babbles some more with a big smile.

"Let's get Mama to the couch." Christian says and Kristin steps out of the way with India so that we can pass.

Christian carefully lowers me down and I relax back slowly into the couch, thankful to be off my feet already. Damn I'm more tired than I thought I would be and I was hoping to be able to swim tomorrow? It doesn't seem that realistic right now!

"Hello Ana how are you feeling?" Gail asks coming into the room with a bright smile.

"Glad to be home." I tell her and she chuckles.

"Dinner will be ready in about an hour now." She says and I nod.

"Thanks Gail I've been looking forward to it since yesterday!" I say making everyone laugh.

"Baby why don't you try and nap while we wait for dinner?" Christian asks running his fingers through my hair.

"Ok." I sigh quietly, I know I need a nap seeing as I haven't slept much today at all and having been up early excited to be coming home.

"Good girl." He says before kissing my head. I close my eyes and drop off to sleep.

* * *

I'm woken up in time for dinner and I can't help but be happy at having my family around me, Christian and India, Gail, Taylor, Hannah and Luke and of course Kristin.

"I want to go into the studio tomorrow." I announce as everyone eats. The whole room suddenly goes quiet, some eyes on me some on Christian.

"Ana you had surgery four days ago."

"And that was four days ago. I can sing no problems Christian and I just don't want to be stuck in the house. The single is supposed to be out in thirteen days." I say quietly, I don't want to argue about it especially not in front of Kristin.

"I'm not going to be able to change your mind about this am I?" Christian replies dryly and I shake my head making him sigh. "Fine just don't overdo it Ana."

"I won't. I doubt I'll do the full day there I just don't want to feel so disabled." I tell him and he gives me a tense smile, I know it's his instinct to refuse my request completely but thankfully he isn't saying no.

"Don't leave too early, maybe ten and come home around three?" He suggests and I know this is his compromise.

"That's fine." I smile and he smiles back and it's like all the tension in the room is lifted.

After dinner I watch as Christian gets India ready for bed, I'm not able to help because I'm not able to lift her. It's depressing but I get to kiss my daughter goodnight before disappearing into my study with Kristin.

"You don't have many CDs." Kristin notes as she looks through my small collection.

"It's all downloaded now. The iPad is connected to the speakers." I say pointing to the iPad on the side.

Kristin happily checks through it and then finds the preliminary version of Cinderella that's with my voice, the unedited no backing vocals version.

"Oh turn it off!" I groan and she giggles and just cranks the volume up a little instead making me sit there and listen to it.

"I'll put Wicked on next." I threaten and she shrugs, I guess she doesn't have an issue with listening to her own voice like I have with listening to mine.

"Sing Ana!"

"I'm not singing along to myself."

"Come on!" She pleads rocking her body along to the upbeat track. "This song is great and you sound wicked but there is nothing better than the live thing and I got to hear you briefly when you sang on the red carpet."

"It's not the same."

"And I'm coming with you to the studio tomorrow…"

"Are you? Who invited you?" I tease making her pout playfully. "Seriously, this song is actually starting to get on my nerves it's constantly stuck in my head and it's not a good thing."

"Oh come on it's a great song with a great message especially to all those people who still doubt how well you've done for yourself."

"I can slay my own dragon, I can dream my own dreams, my knight in shining armour, is me, so I'm going to set me free." I end up singing along without even trying making Kristin grin.

"You're really good."

"I can carry a tune." I say brushing her off and she shrugs getting the message I suspect that no matter what she says my mind will not be swayed.

"I wanna be like Cinderella sitting in a dark old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody to come and set me free." Yeah it's that catchy Kristin's picked up the chorus already, she is an amazing singer I just wish I could sound half as good as her because she makes me sound pitiful!

"I don't wanna be like snow white waiting for a handsome prince to come and save me on a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side, I wanna rescue myself." I join with her just for the fun of it though I want to strangle her when she puts the song again, I'm going to be sick of it by the time it's released!

"So have you any clues about your album yet?" Kristin asks as we settle on the couch with the coffee that Gail brought in while we were talking, she's so quick and quiet I didn't even notice her.

"I'm not doing an album. I'm only releasing one song because Christian thinks that it's a good way of getting some attention to Grey Records and that is it." I say and she rolls her eyes, a habit everyone around me seems to have and get away with.

"Oh well I think Christian has other ideas." She says making me frown. "I may be over stepping my bounds here but he has been on the piano a lot while you were at the hospital and the song he was singing and writing or at least I think he was writing because the words were changed slightly every time, it sounded like a duet Ana."

"Probably for Lila and Tito."

"Who are they?"

"The song writer who wrote Cinderella and the producer."

"No way, this was a song that sounded like it was meant for you and him. Come on." She grabs my hand and helps me up gently, thankfully, I couldn't do with her pulling me up.

She hurries through the house and into the back music room making sure to shut the door behind her, we haven't soundproofed this room but it has been insulated more than other rooms so that less noise carries out than normal.

She parks herself at the piano and I sit beside her on the stool.

"Might take me a minute to figure out the chords from memory she says but I have some idea of it and the words." She says quietly, almost whispering, I don't k now why she's whispering, if Christian hears us then he hears us and he'll hear the piano anyhow.

She plays a few chords on the piano and then I know when she's found it because she knocks it a few times before giving me a tense smile. I watch as her hands move over the keys in a more delicate manner than I've ever seen Christian play before.

"You tell all the boys no, makes you feel good, yeah, I know you're out of my league but that won't scare me away oh no, you've carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried it, you've built your walls so high so no one could climb it…" A cough from the door way brings Kristin to a stop and has us both spinning to look at the door where an amused looking Christian stands.

"Having fun there?" He asks running a hand through his hair.

"Christian I'm sorry I shouldn't have…"

"It's fine." He smiles coming into the room. "But your chords are wrong."

"Oh." Kristin moves off the stool allowing Christian to slide in.

"I had planned on waiting till I'd finished writing the song completely and working with Lila on the harmony's but you said you'd only do the single if I was involved. What if we did a duet together on your album instead?" He asks but he doesn't give me a chance to answer as he begins playing the piano with a smile in my direction.

"You tell all the boys no, makes you feel good, yeah, I know you're out of my league but that won't scare me away oh no, you've carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried it, you've built your walls so high so no one could climb it…but I'm gonna try would you let me see beneath your beautiful would you let me see beneath your perfect, take it off now girl, take it off now girl, I wanna see inside, would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight." He sings and his voice is just amazing, so sweet and melodic unlike his usual CEO persona, this is my husband and the father of my daughter on display.

"Beautiful." I say and he smiles.

"This would be your part." He says quietly. "You let all the girls go, makes you feel good don't it. Behind your Broadway show, I heard a voice say please don't hurt me. You've carried on so long, you couldn't stop if you tried it, you lift your walls so high, no one could climb it but I'm gonna try, would you let me see beneath your beautiful, would you let me see beneath your perfect, take it off now boy, take it off now boy, I wanna see inside, would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight."

I have tears in my eyes when he finishes, it's such a beautiful song and it means even more knowing that Christian wrote it himself.

"Christian…"

"I think it really relates to where we were last year, before we both started to work on our two C's." He chuckles making me smile.

I put a hand on his cheek and lean in for a gentle kiss, we've both forgotten about Kristin completely for the moment.

"I love the song."

"Good. Lila and Tito are already working on the main accompaniment, it will be piano to start but then we're looking at getting strings, making it a real big ballad."

"I can't sing ballads Christian…"

"Will you stop this Anastasia!" He snaps making me jump a little. "Stop doubting yourself and your abilities, please? You're good, fair enough you're not the next Beyoncé but you're good enough to make it in the industry if you want to, I'm fed up of you doubting yourself, even at the IBA's you just kept telling people you were a winner already just for being nominated and you didn't expect to win. Well you should have because your books are damn good. I'm done with letting you feel like you're not good enough."

Thankfully Kristin moving catches my attention and makes the conversation between Christian and I come to a stop.

"I love you Ana." He says giving me a kiss before he walks away leaving Kristin and I in an awkward silence.

"Well…" She says clapping her hands together making me laugh awkwardly. "I think it's getting late and it's time to turn in. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night Kristin." I say watching her go before turning back to the piano. I don't play obviously but I hit a button… or a key as they're called making one note come out of it.

"Would you let me see beneath your beautiful, would you let me see beneath your perfect, take it off now boy, take it off now boy, I wanna see inside, would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight." I sing quietly just to be startled by a clapping behind me.

I turn around to see my husband wearing his sexy smile in the doorway.

"You picked that up quickly." He says and I smile.

"It's a good song, really good Christian so beautiful, I'm glad you wrote it." I say as he comes back to the piano beside me.

"Would you let me see beneath your beautiful, would you let me see beneath your perfect?" He sings playing the piano much softer than before, his voice just a low hum.

"Yes." I reply kissing him. "Only you." I add making him grin.

"Come on, it's time for bed." He says pulling me to my feet gently and giving me the support I need to walk to the stairs before he scoops me up and carries me to bed.


	15. Chapter 15

**I have no rights to the song Poplar from the hit musical Wicked. The song is used in this fictional work for entertainment and not for profit.**

**Just a filler here really, i want to jump to London so bad!**

**Wednesday April 3rd 2013**

Kristin and I leave for the studio around quarter to ten just after India has finished all her breakfast. I think Kristin is more excited than me to be going as she hasn't been in a studio for a few months having been focusing on TV and acting more. Ryan is meeting us there. I don't know why he's still here, Kristin says he's truly apologetic for what he's done and is trying to prove that by being supportive of me now and after having surgery when best to take some time off and hang out with me? I know he's genuine, that much is obvious but he's going a little far with the spending a week in Seattle thing, I'm sure he has business to attend to back in Hollywood with his Media Company with the Kardashian Sisters.

"Ready?" Kristin asks as she pulls up outside the studio, we've managed to ditch security on the condition that Kristin drove my car so it could be tracked.

"Yeah let's go." I say slowly taking my belt off, I've had to wear it in an awkward position so that it wouldn't rub on my sore scar.

Tito and Lila are instantly fan-girling over Kristin and Ryan, it's actually embarrassing but they both handle it well and thankfully it doesn't last too long and I'm in the booth recording the overlay voices, the bigger notes if you will. Kristin is great giving me more advice than Lila in a more brash way, I guess it's because she's not worried about hurting my feelings knowing that I know she knows better.

Finally we're done and with the backing vocals having been recorded while I was in New York on Friday Tito is ready to mix it all up and finish the single up. I can't wait to hear the finished mix!

After lunch we go back to the studio with Kristin having made calls and sent emails to get a version of Popular on my album of me and her of course, she checked if I was interested first but obviously I am, recording a duet with one of my closest friends and Broadway stars would just be amazing.

With knowing the song by heart Lila and Kristin and I work quickly on the harmonies, I'm shocked when they help find my range and I can just about (with a lot of strain) hit the 'Elphaba' notes in the end of the song.

"I think we may be able to lay this down in a couple of takes, let's take it straight through and see what happens." Tito says when he's been sent the track through once permission for the copyright was obtained.

Ryan seems more excited than me which quite amusing. He's persuaded Kristin and I to allow him to tweet photos and stuff on the condition he doesn't reveal what we're recording or why, he's totally cool with that and so am I.

It's fun recording with Kristin, we work well together and she's just an amazing singer and I'm so honoured to be able to sing with her, especially one of my all-time favourite musical theatre songs.

When we're done we all head back to the house, Ryan included, ready for dinner with a plan in mind for the video recording starting tomorrow. Obviously with my recent surgery a lot of last minute changes have had to happen but they want to get the video done in the next couple of days and hopefully bring the song out a week earlier so that it can come out a week before I fly to London so when I perform live on The Graham Norton Show which is a gig booked to me by my England manager (who I knew nothing about and will be having words with Christian about).

I must admit I'm excited, this is something I used to want to do until I thought I couldn't sing and knew I didn't have the confidence to sing but now the world really is my oyster and I can't wait to try and make it in the music industry, though of course if nothing comes of it and the song is a flop I won't really be that disappointed, I'll always have writing to keep me busy especially with the new book I'm working on for the animal hospital series.

"Hey baby." Christian's home early and it's nice to be greeted at the door. "You ok?"

"Hmm just tired." I reply kissing him softly while Kristin happily shows Ryan through to the living room, I love that she's so comfortable here.

"We've been invited to dinner at the third Grey manor tomorrow night." Christian says as I walk towards the kitchen to greet Gail and Zach.

"They've finished moving in?"

"Yeah they're spending their first night there tonight." Christian smiles. "I went over to have a look with Elliot earlier hence me being home early, he really has made Kate's dream house."

"I can't wait to see it, last time I was there it looked more like a bomb site!" I chuckle, it was just before I went on tour when Kate wanted to show me the blueprints that I was there and that seems like so long ago now.

"Hmm, how's your side?"

"Uncomfortable." I reply as Christian stops Zach from pouncing on me.

"Ana's still injured little man you need to be gentle with her for a little while yet." He says as Zach pouts.

"Hey Zach, did you have a good day at school?" I ask rubbing his hair because I'm due my pain pills and it would be impossible for me to get up if I went down to hug him.

"Yes I did you a picture." He says and Gail slides a large painting across the breakfast bar. It's I guess me in a hospital bed with crosses for eyes.

"Wow Zach I love it." I say over-dramatically, it's often Christian and I have been given his paintings and they're plastered all over the house and I'm sure India's will join them someday. "I think this one can go up in my office ok?"

"Ok." He says like a little solider.

"Zach why don't you go to the games room till Dinner." Gail suggests.

"I don't wanna."

"My friends are in the living room Zach, I'm sure Ryan will play a video game with you." I say not sure if he will but hoping he will because I need my pills before I consider giving him the grand tour which he was clearly excited about. I've given him my permission to tweet photos of my study and the gym but that's it, I'd like to keep some of my privacy even though most of my house has been on Oprah.

"Does Ryan have any allergies Ana?"

"None that he's mentioned." I reply going into the locked medicine cabinet while Christian pours me some juice. This is so nice, it's so normal or as normal as things could possibly be in this house.

"Ok that's good, dinner will be ready in about an hour."

"Thanks Gail." I smile knocking back two pills with the orange juice before allowing my husband to lead me to the games room which is more of a children's playroom where both Kristin and Ryan have gathered with Zachary.

"Christian where's India?" I ask now the pain is being relieved I want to see my daughter.

"She's upstairs with Carrie." Christian replies. "Why don't you go sit with Kristin and Ryan and I'll go and get India?"

"Sure." I reply knowing the stairs would be a killer and I still can't lift India properly with my stiches.

Christian goes briskly to get our little munchkin while I pour myself another glass of orange juice. I jump when there's a heavy knock on the door. I know no one can get into the premises without being on a list other than the authorities and I'm quickly transported back to when India and I were taking away by the police.

Nervously I walk to the peep hole to see who it is and once I see a tearstained face that I recognise I throw the door open.

"Mia." I say quietly as she throws herself into my arms sobbing. "Mia what happened? What's wrong?" I ask panic increasing inside of me as she wets the shoulder of my jacket.

"Ethan…" She hiccups through her tears. "Said he wasn't ready to settle that were just… just a fling…" She sobs and I manage to put my glass down on the foyer table before I hug her tight, oh dear my sister-in-law has a broken heart!

"Oh Mia, hey come on, why don't we go in the living room Sis?" I say encouraging her to get off me, I can't carry India's weight because of my surgery I definitely cannot hold Mia up any longer.

"Shit I'm sorry Ana." She says when I wince as she pulls back.

"Hey it's ok, come on we'll go sit in the living room and chill ok and you can tell me everything." I encourage and she nods and tearfully she walks away. I grab my juice and decide quickly that I need help on this matter from a girlfriend, with Kate out of the question because Ethan is her brother I go to the Den and kidnap Kristin back, thankfully Ryan's having too much fun on the Xbox connect to really notice us.

"Ana?" Christian asks as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. "Who was at the door?"

"Mia, she's in the living room and she's a bit upset, girl stuff you know." He looks awkward and unsure now I've said that when I said her name he was ready to burst into the living room. "Why don't you take India into the games room with Ryan and Zach? Oh and let Gail know one more for dinner if she can do it."

"Sure." Christian eyes me sceptically but I don't give him much of a chance to say anymore as I pull my friend with me to the living room and plop down on the couch beside my sobbing sister.

"I love him!" She says falling into my side making me having to lie back on the arm of the couch to take her weight. "I really love him Ana."

"Oh I know Mia, I know." I comfort her by stroking her hair but my eyes stay on Kristin who's ready to listen and jump in with some advice. "What happened? You were so happy."

"I just said something about you and Christian being married over a year and now Kate and Elliot are married and have been living together for a year I was hinting towards us moving in together or thinking about marriage and it's like he completely freaked out, he said he had no intentions of marrying anyone yet and he was so mad Ana! So mad, I've never seen him that angry before… I couldn't go to Mom or Dad and I definitely couldn't go to Elliot and Kate, I know you're busy with having Kristin and Ryan over and only just having surgery but I didn't know what else to do…"

"It's ok, you're welcome here any time you know that. Now enough of this crying Ethan can go screw himself, you're a stunning girl Mia and any man would be lucky to put a ring on your finger. Ethan Kavanagh is a goat fucker."

"Goat fucker?" Mia giggles, I knew that would make her laugh and I'm thankful for it!

"Yup goat fucker." I say making her giggle again and sniff hard. Poor girl, she's broken hearted. "Now how about we get a bottle of wine?" I ask making her smile.

A bottle of wine, some really cheesy music and a lot of snacks curtsey of Mrs Taylor Mia seems to have calmed a lot. Thankfully Christian didn't seem bothered when I told him she would be taking the second guestroom for the night and that she, Kristin and I were going shopping tomorrow. In all honesty he encouraged me to spend on myself as always and said if I didn't then he would have to punish me, it's a shame kinky fuckery is off the table till my surgery site is completely healed because he's making me all hot and bothered.

What did bother Christian was that I wouldn't tell him exactly what was wrong with Mia. I knew if he found out then he would be in his car on the way to pay Ethan Kavanagh a visit and right now I don't need to try and deal with him and Mia. At least she's happy enough for now, I don't know if we have the tissues to hold out on an all-night crying fest from her! I'm just thankful I have Kristin to help me because I'm no shape to handle Mia on my own.

I call Grace and let her know Mia is stopping here and explain she's a little upset with Ethan and didn't want to take the problem to her and her father so she's stopping with us so she can go shopping with Kristin and I tomorrow. Grace is admittedly thankful that Mia has someone to go to who is a woman that isn't her mother when she can't go to her, so am I.


	16. Chapter 16

**Just another short one!**

**Thursday April 4th 2013**

Today is the "help Mia get over her heart break by taking her shopping" girls day… plus Ryan Seacrest.

Last night after Mia and Kristin were in bed I found Ryan and Christian talking in the study, Christian briefly filled me in about how sorry Ryan is and how Christian had threatened to destroy him and his business in LA if he ever said a bad word about me and how Ryan had said he'd sign the papers to give the company to him if he did and now they're friends… well I say friends more like they'll tolerate each other for my sake or Christian will tolerate Ryan as I think Ryan actually likes Christian.

We hit Neiman Marcus together and brush off all personal shopper attempts as to be left alone to browse. With the upcoming London gig and the press for the single I know I need a lot of hot outfits and for once I'm actually enjoying shopping. Mia isn't going over the top which is strange but I instantly link it to her heartache and Kristin is more than happy helping me pick out clothes to help fill out my apparent "bare" closet.

The first item I add to my rolling basket is a poppy print top that's all flowy by Diane Von Fertsenberg and I don't feel at all guilty with the $265 price tag, actually Mia scoffs at how inexpensive it is but I love the design it's something I could pair with nice shorts and flip flops or with a pair of trousers or skinny jeans, look casual or professional.

I get a lot of gorgeous things by Burberry my favourite being the Nubuk flight jacket that falls only to bellow the breast which Kristin insist on me buying with a print tee and some more skinny jeans.

I stop counting up the price after a while not caring really how much I spend understanding I can afford this and that Christian will be ecstatic with my spending spree especially with me easily hitting his ten thousand dollar mark on me alone. Of course, I can't resist dragging the group off to the baby clothes so I can spend on India adding a few thousand dollars to the total there too.

Of course then there's the lingerie, the shoes and purses and I spend on Christian too to curve the guilt on spending on myself. Everything I have bought is for work really, either singing or business or press they'll all be used a few times I'm certain of it and that's what helped me buy most of them. Anything I saw myself only wearing once was put back on the rack.

After I pay the whooping bill of $15,654 we head out. The day however takes a turn when we step out of Neiman's and are ambushed by the paparazzi. The buzz about Ryan and Kristin being here with me in Seattle is apparently a big news story and with Luke on his own it's a struggle to get us from the store into the car, thankfully he took the shopping as I was paying so that's one thing less for him to contend with however now I am regretting not inviting another security member along.

"Maybe you could call someone to meet us at the club?" I whisper to Luke and I see the relief on his face at my suggestion, hey even I can be reasonable about security, today two are needed and I know that. Of course I make this recommendation before he calls Taylor and Christian demands I go home to be prisoner.

Over lunch I see that Ryan and Mia have really hit it off, they're both laughing and joking sometimes privately leaving Kristin and I clueless to the joke which is kind of annoying. Although checking my emails with Kristin I find out the photoshoot for the single is tomorrow morning and then we begin recording the video in the afternoon and that will follow through into Friday then it will all be ready for release on Monday.

That excites me, the whole prospect of seeing everything finished and all together is exciting. I can't wait to hold my cd in my hand for the first time and even hear the full mix for the first time with the "ooh's" and "ahh's" overlay and the backing singers behind.

After lunch the four of us head back to the house together and I get to show India and Carrie everything I bought for her while putting them in India's closet with Kristin, Mia and Ryan are somewhere else in the house talking, I don't know if I'm happy about that but most importantly I don't know if Christian will be happy about Mia hitting it off with Ryan Seacrest.

"Do you think something's going on between the two of them?" Kristin asks as she goes through the pictures snapped of us today on her phone.

"No idea, I doubt it Mia only just got her heart broken." I reply hoping for Mia's sake and my own that there is nothing happening between her and Ryan Seacrest. "I thought Ryan was gay."

"No Ryan isn't gay!" She giggles. "Kathy Griffin says he's gay but he isn't and he's single and Mia's gorgeous…"

"No Kristin just no Mia and Ryan… no." I shake my head having to get these thoughts out of my mind because I know Christian may have agreed to some truce of sorts with Ryan I don't think the curtsey would extend to them being together.

"She is on the rebound…"

"No Kristin just no!" I'm almost begging but laughing at the same time it can't possibly be!

After putting everything away Gail asks who's here for dinner turns out both Mia and Ryan have plans this evening and I hope and pray that those plans don't involve being with each other.


	17. Chapter 17

**Friday April 5th 2013**

I climb out of the pool to a big smile from Lola, she's happy with the length of time I can be swimming even though I'm not the strongest of swimmers and it looks like I'll be fine in time for the Marathon. Thankfully, I couldn't imagine having to pull out now.

I quickly shower and change with the clothes I bought down to the poolside with me and head up for breakfast where I find a furious Christian and an apologetic looking Kristin. Without a word she slides her phone over to me and I find a picture beside an article and zoom in to see what the hell is going on.

Oh shit. It's a picture of Mia and Ryan in a lip lock outside Rover's where I guess they went for dinner. I swipe my finger across the screen and find the article to begin reading.

_Ryan Seacrest was seen leaving Seattle's famous Rover's restaurant last night with a raven haired beauty. At first we had no idea who this beautiful woman was until further investigation had us finding out that she is none other than the Sister of enigmatic CEO Christian Grey. The Pop Idol host is in Seattle helping Ana Grey with her recovery from having surgery to remove her appendix but I bet neither Grey saw him moving in on the little sister!_

"Oh." I say handing the mobile back to Kristin. "Christian…"

"That fucking bastard!" Christian roars, uh-oh. "I'll fucking kill him, string him up by the balls I'll…" He's interrupted by the house phone and I slip off to answer it.

"Grey's." I answer trying to sound happy and chirpy to whoever it is on the other side.

"Ana it's Grace." She sounds fine, that's a good thing right?

"Hi Grace is everything ok?" I ask hoping and praying she hasn't seen the Nooz article yet.

"Yes everything's fine, we're having a family dinner tonight you can bring Kristin along."

"Ok six o'clock."

"We'll see you at six Ana, must run I'm working."

"Bye Grace."

"Bye Ana see you tonight." She says hurriedly before putting the phone down.

There's only one reason why Grace will have called a family dinner like this and that's because of Mia and Ryan, this isn't going to go down well with Christian.

I wonder back into the kitchen to find Christian still pacing. He looks hot when he's mad, especially when he's not mad at me.

"That was your Mother."

"What did she want?"

"Dinner tonight at her place, Kristin is invited too."

"This is because of that little twerp." He spits and I struggle not to roll my eyes at him.

"Probably. Christian Mia's a big girl…"

"What happened to Kavanagh?"

"They broke up, he broke up with her, broke her heart that's why she was here…"

"And you didn't tell me?" He yells right into my face, I grimace and turn my face away I won't have him yelling at me like this in front of Kristin.

"Sit down!" I growl and he's momentarily taken aback. "Now."

He slips into the chair looking like a scolded child and I sigh and sit down beside him to show I'm not superior to him and I'm not talking down to him hoping it will help.

"If I'd told you the first thing you'd have done is march to see Ethan and probably beaten the shit out of him, Mia was upset the last thing she needed was you going thermonuclear on the man she claimed to love. On top of that there's the fact that Ethan is Kate's brother and you'd all put Elliot in a very difficult spot. Now they've broken up there's nothing we can do about it, Mia is twenty two years old and can make her own decisions. Most probably Ryan is just a fling a rebound and we have to support her in whatever she decides to do with him. We go to dinner tonight and you're civil towards him for Mia's sake and then you can talk to Mia on her own and I mean talk to her not yell at her."

Christian sighs and looks at the table with a sad lost expression on his face. I look to where Kristin was sat and see she's slipped off discreetly.

"Can you do that?"

"I don't want to… but for Mia I will."

"Good, now then let's have breakfast and get on with our day."

* * *

We leave the house on time even after the drama and make it to the studio where the photoshoot will take place and some of the video will be shot. I'm instantly whisked off to hair and makeup and am joined by Chris Laurence the director for both the video and today's shoot.

"Mrs Grey…"

"Please call me Ana." I say quickly, I'm going to be working with this guy for the next couple of days so we may as well be on first name terms.

"Ok Ana for the shoot today it's going to be really simple we're going to get a series of photos of you standing up some close ups and some full body and we'll use whichever one I think is best for your cover of course you will have some say too so don't worry about that, then we'll get you to the corner and get some more pictures for the inside cover and possibly the CD itself you ok with me so far?" I just give a nod, this guy knows what he's talking about and Christian hired him for Grey Records and I trust Christian. "Good then after lunch we'll start recording the video it will simple be you in a chair a few lights and two cameras all I need you to do is mime along to the record and look from one camera to the other, you can move in the chair as much as you want just keep in mind the entire time that it's a music video then we'll take a shot of the whole song again from you standing and being a little cockier, if for the chair we keep to the main tune and then we'll do the overlay's when you're stood up and that will be about three quarters of the video done. Tomorrow we're cordoning off a section of a park up in Bellevue and you'll basically just be running through the woods barefoot, don't worry we'll check the ground and do a full sweep beforehand, then we'll slow it down and put it in the video and we should be done by close of day tomorrow. You still with me?" I just nod again, this is a lot to take in. "Good we decided to cut the idea of dancers or other people in the video because it's all about being independent and stuff so we'll have you on your own through it all. Once it's shot I'll mix it if anything is missing we may need you to come in on Saturday to do another take maybe in another position but I may even know by tomorrow. We'll see but for today focus on the sitting in the chair and standing, cocky for standing sweet and innocent for the chair."

I watch him walk off and giggle while looking at Kristin who has been struggling to hide her laughter throughout Chris' entire speech.

"He knows what he wants." She says making me laugh harder.

My hair ends up in an updo with strands falling down and framing my face and a gold plain tiara like the one in Cinderella on my head. My dress is surprisingly black and is a high-lo that's all layered and bouncy, it's gorgeous actually. Then there's the rockstud stiletto heels that add a little rock-chick to the look. My makeup is soft and gentle and my eyes really standout on my face.

I'm lead to the green screen and I see Christian in a deep discussion with Chris about something, I know Christian takes charge of everything and if there's anything that he's not happy about or I'm not happy about it will be changed.

"Ok Ana this is the photographer Carlos, he's going to take a few photos of you close up first just to get a feel for the light, don't pay attention to anything going on for a moment ok?"

"Ok." I nod nervously glancing at Kristin who gives me two thumbs up, I'm so glad she's here and I have her for another week too!

It's hard not to pay attention when my makeup and hair are touched and adjusted and something is shoved under my face by the photographer but eventually they're ready to begin and my nerves kick in.

"Right just relax for me Ana." Chris calls and I smile weakly, easy enough for him to say he's not the one standing here. "Stand straight for me, cup your own face and scream loud and long, squeeze your eyes shut too."

I do as he says and I hear the pictures being take, three, four maybe five before I run out of air and thankfully Kristin hands me water quick for me to sip before my lipgloss is touched up.

"Ok now give me powerful stand with your hands on hips, legs apart and glare right into the camera."

I do as he says and Carlos moves around requiring me to move my face.

"Ok break Carlos. Take a minute Ana." Chris calls after about fifteen photos are taken.

"You're doing great Ana." Kristin smiles as Christian and Chris gather around a computer.

"That one." I hear Christian say.

"I disagree I think this one." Chris says and I decide to wonder over to see what they're doing.

The pictures of me are on the screen in thumbnail view and then Christian clicks on a picture. It's one of me screaming my legs slightly apart my hands cupping my face my eyes tight shut, surprisingly I don't look red in the face!

"No I don't like it." Christian says switching picture to a full length one of me standing legs apart hands on hips and the most powerful glare in my eyes, I love this picture. "This one."

"Ana what do you think?"

"I like them both." I say quietly.

"How about we try another round of shots and see what we get?" Chris suggests and I'm back on the green floor for more pictures. We take a lot going from me standing to kneeling to crawling towards the camera to others of me not looking at the camera some close up and some far away.

Chris and Christian go through the photos and eventually we all agree on one where I'm standing back to the camera but slightly twisted my eyes looking right into the camera and my teeth gritted almost, it's like Tyra Banks would say "fierce!"

We do a set of photos next in the corner of the studio that is again green screened and I crouch and kneel and move as they tell me, some smiling some more angry ones and eventually Christian and Chris agree on the one for the inside of the case and I can get out of this dress.

While we're at lunch Kristin advises me about the video, it's obvious she was paying just as much if not more attention to Chris than I was which is good because I'm so scared.

"Remember you mime the song so not to strain at all but try and be natural and true to you also, if it's a part where you close your eyes tight then do it just not as much as you would if you were singing and running out of breath."

"This is so hard." I groan as I did into my salad, I feel sick but I have to eat in order for me to be allowed to take my pain pills.

When we get back to the studio the green screen is gone and the entire room is now black and lit with different size and shape red candles all surrounding a white throne with gems all over it. I look around briefly before I'm whisked off back to hair and makeup.

Thankfully they go for a more natural look this time with my hair down in loose curls and my makeup not as intense and my outfit is simply a pair of black leather look leggings with a white tank that comes down my hips and a biker style short denim jacket opened.

I like this look, it's something I would wear casually and so I'm comfortable in it. When I go back to the studio itself Christian comes over to me with a smile on his face and saying nothing he hands me a square photograph. A gasp rings from my throat as I look at the picture in front of me. It's me, the picture that was of me standing surrounded by green looking at the camera over my shoulder now it's pink and purple the background and shiny and my eyes sparkle as well as the tiara on my head.

ANA is in capital letters on my back in a big font in white outside with pink and purple inside and then in Edwardian script beneath it is the word "Cinderella"

"My cover?" I ask and Christian nods and smiles, I think he approves. "I love it." I say hugging him tight.

"I'm glad you do, I've approved this." He says as I look at it again. My skin is glowing in it and it's amazing, I just love it. I actually can't believe that's me and this is my single cover, it's just almost too unreal to comprehend.

"Ana that's amazing." Kristin smiles as she peeks over my shoulder. "You look fabulous."

"Thanks." I say smiling at her and she nudges me.

"That should give you the confidence to rock this recording now."

We do three takes of me miming the song sitting in the chair in three different ways. Once leaning back with my arm draped along it, second time with me sitting forward with my elbows on my knees for most of it and the camera in front and then a second time with the camera to the side with me remaining making eyes contact through it most.

I get to hear my single mixed for the first time too, it's so unreal and it sounds amazing and I love it. I can't help but wonder sometimes if I'm dreaming this as it seems so unreal at times but it's not a dream and this is my life!

I'm back in hair and makeup and my hair is just placed in a clip with some strands falling down and my makeup tidied up then of course there's the fact that they get me into a pair of tiny hot pants with stiletto heels and just the white tank top.

We do four takes of me standing with me relaxing just a little bit more each take. I feel comfortable rocking my body along to the upbeat track and miming along to my own voice by the end and I really wouldn't mind if they required a sixth or even a tenth take. But Chris and Christian are both happy with what we've got and they think they'll be able to mix the beginning of the video up just with this and then the outdoor shoot tomorrow will give us what we're missing, this is so surreal.

After we're done it's quick home to change, my hair and makeup are still together from the recording and having been given the clothes to keep from the shoot I pull on the leather look leggings with the white tank and denim jacket before dressing India in a stripy blue and pink tunic with pink leggings.

"Ready to face this?" I ask as Taylor takes India from me and to the car, we're going without security but he's still hanging around to help.

"I think so." He replies rubbing his jaw. I kiss him softly and give him a smile, I understand he's not happy about this but what is important is Mia's happiness, Ryan isn't all that bad, he's proved that or Christian wouldn't have allowed him into our house but now dinner with the parents means that either Mia and Ryan are just friends and that's what they're announcing or they're letting us know they're a couple.

I hope they're not a couple. Not yet anyhow, they don't even know each other and Mia's only just got out of a relationship with Ethan and she would be jumping into this too fast.

Christian drives the SUV with me in the front passenger and Kristin and India in the backseat. Nothing makes me smile more than hearing my daughter giggle along to Kristin pulling faces and playing peek-a-boo. It relaxes me just enough to have a smile on my face when we arrive at Bellevue.

As always Grace and Carrick are at the door as we exit the car. They smile happily Grace planting a kiss on my cheek before I hug Carrick and hand him India. I love seeing him interact with her, I can imagine him having been the relaxed man with Elliot, Christian and Mia when they were younger, dropping the lawyer persona completely to be the dotting father.

It's awkward as soon as we enter the living room. Mia and Ryan are sitting on the couch with their hands together, Kate is on Elliot's lap on one of the arm chair Elliot glaring at Ryan and Kate glaring at Mia. I look awkwardly at Christian as he holds my shoulder, squeezing gently before guiding me to the second couch to sit. Kristin sits beside me and gives me a look that says "awkward" and I almost giggle as I hear her voice say it in my head.

"Ok enough of this." Mia snaps just as Carrick comes into the room bouncing India on his hip, Grace following behind with the toy box that is kept here for her visits. "This is so stupid Mom why did you call this dinner?"

"I wanted to meet the young man who had my Daughter all over the press that's why Mia. It's not ridiculous, to our knowledge you were still dating Ethan." Grace sounds bitter, this dinner is going to be very uncomfortable and give us all a bout of indigestion at this rate.

"We went for dinner, that's all." Mia says rolling her eyes.

"Ana, Kate why don't you take Kristin and Ryan for a tour of the grounds, take India too?" Carrick suggests, these are the moments that it's pointed out that Kate and I really aren't family, not the immediate family. Christian's hand grips mine but I give him a look to tell him to let go, he will fill me in later, I understand that they can't ask Kate to leave without asking me but Ethan is her brother and Ryan and Kristin are visiting me so it only makes sense for me to go too.

"They're going to talk her out of dating me aren't they." Ryan says dejectedly as we exit the house out in the back.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask angrily. "I could have done something Ryan to stop this happening, that's my sister-in-law and I understand why my family have reservations against you after what you said when I was touring New York. Don't you get it they're protecting her, they're protecting us the family." My anger is unleashed and I'm thankful when Kate takes India from my arms because I don't want to yell in front of my daughter and make her unhappy, she's never seen any of us really yell before and she's too little to understand the reason behind the heightened emotions. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know what to say… Mia's pretty and she's energetic and bubbly and I really like her Ana and I just invited her for dinner, I didn't expect us to get mobbed by the press I expected to have some more time to go on more dates before I would have to come to you and talk to you." Ryan looks like I've slapped him which is good because it's probably what's stopping me from raising my hand and swiping it across her face.

"What you need to do is ask for a word with Carrick and be old fashioned and ask his permission to court his daughter, she's the baby and the only girl so they're even more protective over her." I tell him.

"I understand, and I will ask Mr Grey. I'm sorry Ana I really didn't mean to cause any bother for you or your family I just wanted to make Mia smile, she's beautiful when she smiles and seeing her cry the night before over some loser…"

"That loser is my brother." Kate says angrily.

"He broke Mia's heart…"

"Doesn't give you the right to call him a loser you don't know him!" Kate pushes me out of the way causing me to trip in my heels and face plant the floor.

"Ana!" Both Ryan and Kate gasp as I struggle to get up, having landed more on my right side than my left there's a sharp pain ripping its way through my body.

Ryan and Kate both help me to my feet and back to the house. I'm in agony and feel like I'm going to burst into tears at any moment, this is just my fucking luck. It's been a good day up until we got here and now I wish we could go back in time about four hours so I could be back in the studio doing my thing where I'm happy and comfortable. No instead I'm gently lowered onto one of the chairs on the back patio with Kate running into the house yelling for Christian while Ryan tries to soothe me best he can and Kristin plays with India keeping her distracted.

The whole family rush through like a stampede, Ryan almost diving out of the way for Christian to take his place.

"Ok let me see, Carry can you turn on the porch light please." Grace says kneeling down in front of me while I wipe my snotty nose on the back of my hand.

The light comes on and I'm momentarily dazzled but Grace is straight to work examining my face. I can feel a slight burn on my cheek and I know there's some damage which isn't good with the recording tomorrow.

"What the fuck happened?" Christian growls.

"I pushed her…" Kate says tearily.

"It was an accident." I try to say but Christian's already yelling.

"She had surgery less than a week ago Kate how could you be so irresponsible? Damn it…"

"That's enough Christian!" Elliot yells his arm going around a sobbing Kate's shoulders, uh-oh I sense a war coming on.

"Ana had surgery five fucking days ago Elliot and your fucking wife pushes her? Come on…"

"Christian…" I begin but Grace stops me and shakes her head.

"Let me see your side sweetheart." She says quietly as the men keep yelling at each other.

I lean back in the chair and allow Grace to pull up my top. The scar has scabbed over now but when I look down I see quite a bit of blood.

"That's not good is it?" I ask Grace and she shakes her head.

"I think a trip to the hospital is a good idea." She says and I shake my head at her, I don't want to go to the hospital. "You'll need some more stiches Ana you've really torn open the scar and they'll give you some antibiotics through an IV to make sure you don't get an infection from any dirt that may have gotten in, I know it wasn't your fault but you have been overdoing it and that tells me that you're not healing as fast as you should be, bed rest Ana, for the next week or you can kiss the Marathon goodbye."

I cry weakly, this is not how tonight should have played out. Elliot and Christian are still yelling at each other and Kate is sobbing. Mia is crying to into Ryan's shoulder and I'm crying because I'm in pain.

"Do you think you can walk?" Grace asks and I nod and struggle to standing.

"Where are you going?" Christian asks grabbing my arm a little to roughly making me grimace.

"Christian let her go." Grace says quietly even though everyone's quiet now and they can hear. "Ana's stiches have torn I'm going to take her to the hospital and get the plastic surgeon to stich her up again and then she'll need to stay in a few hours to get an IV antibiotic."

"I'll get the car."

"I don't think that's a good idea son." Carrick says stopping him as Grace takes my arm to lead me into the house.

"She's my wife!"

"And your mother will take care of her, why don't you take Kristin and India home huh?"

I don't hear his reply as I'm lead through the house and to the car Grace grabbing a dish towel on the way through the kitchen. Gently she helps me into the car and using the seatbelt she puts the dishtowel on and pulls the belt tight so it puts pressure on the wound as I begin to weaken from the blood loss.

"Just don't go to sleep ok Ana?" Grace says as she starts the car. "I know you feel weak and tired right now and that's from the blood loss but just stay awake, I'm going to call ahead to the hospital and have them have a pint of blood ready too ok?"

"Ok." I mumble feeling suddenly exhausted.

"Good girl." Grace says knocking her phone on the hands free set as she begins to drive from the house.

I hear her asking for them to be ready for our arrival and for them to have blood ready but the hum of the car is soothing and I feel myself slowly dropping off. I think my wound may have been a little more serious than Grace first said.

"Ana!" She yells jarring me from that place just between awake and sleep. "Sing me your song sweetie."

"I don't wanna be like Cinderella sitting in a dark old dusty cellar waiting for somebody to come and set me free." My jaw feels slack and I can hear the slur in my words as I sing. "I don't wanna be like snow white waiting for a handsome prince to come and save me on a horse of white unless we're riding side by side don't wanna depend on no one else I'd rather rescue myself."

"Keep singing Ana we're not far now."

I sing the entire ride from Bellevue to arrive and be met by a couple of doctors with a wheel chair. I'm quickly transported from the car into the chair and rushed into the ER.

Everything goes by quickly, I'm hooked up to an IV for blood and antibiotics and a plastic surgeon is quick to numb my hip and stitch me right back up with a lecture about the stiletto heels I'm wearing and taking it easy for the next week or two. I don't tell him that I'm running a marathon in fifteen days because I know he'd tell me not to do it but I didn't train myself up to fall at the last hurdle, come two weeks Sunday I will be running with Hannah and with her pregnant she won't be able to beat the five hour time limit we'd set ourselves either so I guess we'll half jog half walk it all together.

Grace stays with me the entire time I'm being stitched up, holding my hand and comforting me though I can't help but wish it was Christian. I know he was an idiot fighting with Elliot and Kate because it was just an accident, Kate was angry at Ryan for what he said about Ethan and rightly so, Ethan may be an idiot for letting Mia go and breaking her heart but he's not a loser and Ryan doesn't know him to say that about him.

"If you thought any louder you'd give yourself earache." Grace says when the surgeon finally leaves.

"I'm just shocked at everything that happened in the house." I say smoothing my hand over the dressing on my hip before lowering my now blood stained tank.

"You and me both." Grace sighs and I can't help but feel for her, having her children at each other's throats cannot be a pleasant experience.

"They'll sort it Grace, they love each other too much to let this fester for too long."

"I know sweetheart, I just wish Mia and Ethan would have thought things through before giving each other over a year of their lives. Ethan should have told Mia he wasn't looking to settle down so there were no expectations on her behalf and Mia should have been honest with Ethan about her wanting to settle down, possibly with him. Then this mess wouldn't have started, don't get me wrong I don't blame Mia or Ethan for this. I'm angry with them all at the moment, Kate for pushing you Mia for hitting things off with Ryan before things were truly settled after Ethan and Christian for kicking off at Kate and Elliot for exploding with Christian…" Tears spill from her eyes and all I can do is squeeze her hand not wanting to disrupt the new stitches at all in fear of them opening again. "And you ending up in hospital yet again!"

"Grace it was an accident."

"What the hell happened?" She asks angrily, I know she's not angry at me but it hurts to have her snapping at me.

"Ryan called Ethan a loser while I was arguing with him about not coming to me about taking Mia out and Kate pushed me out the way to confront him about that and I tripped on my heels."

"How lucky is it that you weren't holding India? Or you didn't knock your head. In saying that you've got a good graze on your cheek let me clean that." And just like that she's in Doctor mode.

She sings to me while she cleans my cheek, her gloved fingers just softly dragging an antiseptic covered cotton ball over my cheek. I guess it relaxes her to be in Doctor mode, allowing her to forget the war that broke out at her home between her children.

After Grace patches up my face with a couple of butterfly bandages the blood has finished going into my body as well as the antibiotics and a nurse brings the discharge papers, once signed I'm thankful to leave the hospital with my Mother in law and head for home.

"Do you want to come in Grace?" I ask as she pulls up outside the house.

"No I'd rather just go home to my husband, now you take car any light-headedness, nausea, dizziness, call ok?"

"I will. I love you Grace." I kiss her cheek before climbing unsteadily out of the car as Luke comes out of the house to meet me. I give Grace one last wave before she pulls away to head for home before letting Luke guide me into the house.

"I'm sure they're going to reserve a room just for you at that hospital soon." He says chuckling.

"Ouch don't make me laugh." I groan as the numbing solution begins to wear off and I feel an ache in my side.

"Ok where to?" He asks once in the house.

"Kitchen."

"Bedroom." Christian growls as he steps out of the living room.

"Don't start Christian because at this rate the only place I'll be sleeping tonight is a fucking guest room. I'm hungry and need to eat to help with the blood and antibiotics they've pumped into me and I haven't eaten anything since our early lunch and it's now … nearly midnight. Kitchen Luke."

I see Christian looking like that lost little boy but I'm mad with him, very mad.

"You need to call your Mother in about twenty minutes, apologise."

"But I didn't…"

"I know you didn't start it Christian but you didn't fucking help either, call your mother and apologise and thank her for being in control when I was bleeding because my surgery site opened."

"Ok." He says quietly.

Once in the kitchen Luke deposits me on the stool and goes to the fridge to begin rooting, he finds some mac and cheese to warm up and I give him a smile, I just need food to feed my empty belly before I go up to bed to try and sleep.

Kristin doesn't make an appearance and I guess that's a good thing, Christian and I seriously have to talk and so as soon as Luke's finished warming up my food and placing it in front of me he slinks out allowing Christian to step into the room.

"Are you ok?" He asks quietly and I nod with a mouthful of mac and cheese unable to verbally answer. "I was so scared."

"So was I but your Mom handled it."

"I should have been with you, why didn't you let me come?"

"Because you were mad and I would have been at the receiving end."

"No you wouldn't…"

"Wouldn't I? so you haven't cursed me or called me stupid for ending up in hospital with busted stiches tonight?" He looks guilty. "My thought exactly. Did you work things out with your brother and Sister in law?" I can see from the look on his face that he didn't. "You need to, call Elliot and apologise for going off on Kate."

"I can't… it was her fault…"

"It was an accident, I tripped after Kate pushed me, typical Ana Steele clumsiness." I say exasperated, I can't be dealing with him when he's this lost little boy. "How long did you continue to freak out with Kate and Elliot for after I left?"

"Dad kicked us all out after about twenty minutes." He replies glumly.

"Just call your brother, arrange to meet for lunch or whatever it is you boys do now if you don't mind I want to eat and go to bed."

"Are you sleeping in our room?" He asks his eyes full of regret making me sigh and nod.

"On the condition you call Elliot."

"Ok." He says before slinking off leaving me in peace to eat.


	18. Chapter 18

**Saturday April 6th 2013**

I wake up on my own in bed but Christian's side is still warm meaning he's awake too. Today's plans for the shoot have gone out of the window so I wonder what it will be that I can do because I am in no way staying in bed all day even though a day in bed with my laptop to catch up on business wouldn't be a bad thing.

"Good morning baby." Christian grins as he comes in carrying a tray. I smell pancakes and bacon and egg and my mouth begins to water. "Courtesy of Kristin Chenoweth who seems to have found her way around our kitchen." He says bringing the tray to my lap.

"Hmm and there I was thinking that you'd put together breakfast." I say teasing him and making him laugh I'm glad we're both in better moods this morning.

"Nope I can make you some porridge but that's about it." He chuckles making me smile again. "Oh and I thought you should know seeing as you were asleep before I came up last night, Kate and Elliot are coming for lunch."

"Oh ok, did you apologise?"

"Yes." He nods as I tuck into my breakfast. "Elliot was forgiving and he apologised for what he said but like he said he couldn't speak on the behalf of Kate but she was very apologetic for hurting you."

"It was an accident."

"She feels guilty."

"Well I'll just have to straighten her out then."

After my breakfast Christian takes the tray and I get in the bath while he gets India ready, we've given Carrie the weekend off with us now not going anywhere so she said she would be going into town and going to visit family up in Redmond.

Once washed I find a loose white shirt dress with jacket look overlay and pull on a Levin butterfly mirror belt on my waist so it's high off my sore scar and taking the doctor's advice to stay off the heels I pull on my gladiator pumps by Brian Attwood that I bought for whenever our next holiday may be, with our schedules it doesn't look like it will be any time soon but we will take a holiday eventually and hopefully somewhere hot!

"Babe are you wearing one of my shirts?" Christian asks when I walk into the kitchen.

"No it's a dress Christian."

"You look like you're in nothing more than my shirt baby, go change."

"I like this dress Christian and I'm not changing just because you don't." I tell him sternly as I kiss my daughter who's happily chewing on a frozen teething ring in her high chair, I guess Christian saw that her cheeks were red and hot this morning to have given her that.

"It's low cut." He says begrudgingly, I know he really doesn't like this dress.

"It's loose and comfortable with my surgery sight Christian." I snap, I don't mean to be irritable but I'm really in no mood to fight with him today.

"Ok if you're comfortable baby that's what's important." He sighs knowing he's lost this argument.

"What time are Kate and Elliot coming over?" I ask stroking my daughter's angel curls, they're so loose and lovely I hope her hair stays like this, I know hairdressers have spent what feels like hours getting my hair to curl like hers does with a wand.

"Twelve thirty." He says and I look at the clock, it's close to twelve already.

"I'll get started on lunch then." I say going over to the kitchen to hunt down ingredients and decide what I want to make.

"Want some help?" Christian asks as he plays with India from his seat, I know he hates letting her crawl around the kitchen especially when someone is preparing food with knives and stuff about.

"In all honesty Christian I'd be faster without your help." I tell him and he smirks.

"At least I offered."

"Yes you did, is Kristin joining us?"

"No she said she was going to meet up with Ryan and find out what his plans were with Mia."

"Did you ask her to do that?" I ask my tone accusatory.

"No." He says firmly making me feel guilty for asking. "She asked if she would be overstepping her mark if she did but she felt that as your friend and Ryan's friend it was her job to make sure he wasn't going to hurt Mia, I told her she could do what she wanted and she called and arranged to meet him at Christasia."

"Fair enough."

* * *

Kate and Elliot arrive exactly half past twelve which is great as I just finish throwing together the past salad and I get to serve it all up straight away. They've bought India a little knit doll that's just adorable and Elliot informs us it's from Great-grandma Trevelyan, India takes to the doll straight away and I see this becoming her favourite toy, she's at that age now where she will bond with one soft item in particular and I won't mind if it's this doll.

"Ana." Kate says softly as she joins me in the kitchen where I'm just gathering the dishes.

"Hey you ok?" I ask just as she grabs me in a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry! I really am!"

"Hey don't, it was an accident you weren't mad at me and I tripped over my own stiletto. It's not your fault Kate." I tell her as she hugs me tighter until she hears my painful groan.

"Shit, sorry." She says again.

"It's fine Kate, ok, I know you didn't mean it I'm not mad at you at all but my husband on the other hand… has he apologised?"

"Yeah…"

"Then can we forget about it and move on?"

Lunch is a pleasant affair and it's like the earlier evening never happened of course once we're all sat outside with a glass of wine, India happily in her walker the subject changes to Mia and Ryan and things become particularly awkward.

"I don't understand what happened between her and Ethan." Kate says quietly. "He won't tell me anything."

"Well Mia says she was talking about how we were married and I suspect hinting towards settling down and Ethan freaked and told her they were just fooling around and a fling."

"A fucking long fling." Elliot growls, I know he and Christian both want to ring Ethan's neck.

"What I do know is Mia is over him quick and Ryan may just be a rebound but she's really not missing Ethan all that much which tells me she never truly loved him, the five days Christian and I were apart in those early days near killed me." I say quietly, my emotions heightening remembering.

"Well that won't happen again baby." Christian says taking my hand over the table and giving me a smile.

"If she truly loved Ethan she'd be trying to win him back not engaging in a game of tonsil tennis in front of the paparazzi with Ryan Seacrest."

"Eww that's our sister Ana." Elliot groans.

"It's true!"

"Unless she's trying to win Ethan back by making him jealous."

"That would be vindictive Kate and that's not Mia." I tell her before one of the boys does and Kate nods in agreement, she was just thinking out loud but not a good idea when it comes to Mia and the Grey boys. "All we can do is be there for Mia and support her in whatever it is she decides to do."

"You're so wise sometimes baby you know that?" Christian asks before plonking a kiss on my head.

"So Ana you gonna make it to the marathon?" Elliot asks moving the conversation along.

"Of course. I will make it even if it kills me. I've trained to long and hard and too many people have donated money for me not to make it. Lola thinks with my fitness level I should be able to walk it even if I don't train another day, her bet is I can run the first ten miles walk the following five and run another ten before walking and running consecutively, she's thankfully trained me like that so it shouldn't be too much of a problem but I'm going to try and run the first fifteen walk for five and then run the finish."

"Don't overdo it Ana we'd like you to come home in one piece." Kate says making me laugh.

"Lola says I'll know my own limits. If I listen to my body then I'll be fine."


	19. Chapter 19

**Sunday April 7th 2013**

I wake up to the most beautiful sound in the world and that's of my darling baby girl giggling beside me. I roll over to see Christian lifting her high in the air from his spot on the bed and then bring her down to blow raspberries on her cheek. I smile and Christian's smiling eyes meet mine.

"Good morning baby."

"Mmh good morning." I smile leaning in for a kiss, India begins to fuss not liking that there's no attention on her. "And good morning to you Precious Princess." I say in a high pitched baby voice as Christian brings her down so I can kiss her. "You're a giggler this morning. Yes you are, you're Mommy's little giggler."

"Mamamamama."

"Yes baby Mama and Dada, say Dada."

"Dadadadadada."

"She's getting it." Christian beams, he's always so excited about it when she says Dada even though she really has no idea what she's saying.

I bend my legs at a ninety degree angle and sit India on my hips ignoring the protests of my surgery site. I take her hands in my own and cover my face before parting them quickly.

"Peek-a-boo!" I say making her giggle so I repeat the action.

"Ah peek –a-boo." I say again and India giggles loudly while I pull big smiling faces at her before she pushes her hands into my face again grazing the cut on my cheek.

"Carefully Daddy's girl you'll hurt Mommy." Christian says but India ignores him too busy waiting for me to jump out on her again.

"Peek-a-boo!" I say again making her giggle and flail about much to my hips protest.

"How about I go run a bath and we can all jump in together?" Christian asks looking at me.

"Hmm grab one of the swimming diapers I got her so if she has a pee we won't be bathing in it." I say before blowing a loud raspberry on her cheek making her squeal with laughter.

Christian fetches the diaper and then goes through to the bathroom allowing me to change India on our bed. While she babbles animatedly and I pretend I know exactly what she's saying. I can't wait till she really starts to talk. I'm still in shock that she's seven months old nearly! It feels like only a few days ago when I gave birth to her and bought her into the world, I miss being pregnant and even though it messed up my career and sometimes it was long and awkward I would do it again in a heartbeat for a beautiful baby like India, she really is my girl and I still sometimes look at her and can't believe Christian and I created her and I carried her inside me for nine months.

"Ready?" Christian asks as I finish pulling on the swimmers diaper on India.

"Yeah, ready for a splash splash baby?" I ask before blowing another raspberry on her neck.

The three of us get in the bath together, India has developed into a water baby but I'll never forget her screaming the first time we gave her bath!

She happily splashes the water to Christian and I cooing together before she finally lies against my bear chest and sucks her thumb.

"So what should we do today?" Christian asks as his finger join mine running down India's back.

"Maybe we could go to the park or something." I suggest. "What's the weather like?"

"It's a lovely spring morning." He says and I smile.

"Park then?"

"Yeah ok, we'll take India in her stroller maybe put together some lunch?" He suggests and I smile, goodness he's become such a family man and I love him even more today than I did when I married him and I didn't think that was possible.

"Wanna go to the park baby girl?" I coo making India look up at me and grin.

"Park it is then!" Christian laughs and soon the three of us are laughing together.

Once out of the bath I wrap up in my bathrobe and make my way to India's bedroom, she's getting cranky for her breakfast now so the quicker I can get her changed the better.

I choose the Oscar De La Renta checked dress that I bought India when I went shopping with Mia for today with one of the cream cardigans knitted by Great-Grandma Trevelyan and a pair of cream tights, it may be spring but I don't want her getting cold. On her feet I slap the gold Gucci sandals and buckle them up just in time for Christian to stroll into the room looking as handsome as ever in a skin tight navy tee and a pair of jeans.

"Ready for breakfast Daddy." I say handing her over so I can get dressed.

I choose a pair of black full length leggings and a cream cashmere hooded sweater that looks like it has a shawl attached and pair it off with a pair of peep toe cream wedges that are only two inches high. My hair is scraped back into a ponytail and I dab on some make up just so I don't look like a ghost before joining my family in the kitchen.

Kristin is at the cooker again and I know she loves cooking and it's nice to come downstairs to family and friends knowing that Gail is with Zach and Taylor leaving us alone. She hands me a plate of pancakes and then shoos me off to my seat allowing me to just slink into a seat beside my husband who is making aeroplane noises to get India to eat her porridge.

"So how did everything go with Ryan yesterday?" I ask as Kristin finally sits down with her own breakfast.

"Oh uh I think you guys need to talk to Mia." She says visibly uncomfortable.

"Why?" Christian asks stopping in his tracks so he can look at the blonde beside me.

"Well… Ryan may have invited her to LA and she may have accepted."

"What?" We both gasps simultaneously.

"Well Ryan thought she might want a getaway and Mia agreed, they fly out tomorrow."

"I'll invite them to dinner, they cannot be serious!" Christian is furious.

"Baby, Mia's a big girl, if she wants to go to LA we can't stop her." I tell him gently and he closes his eyes as if in pain.

"She barely knows him."

"No but you know him, you've ran a background check on him right?"

"Of course."

"He has his own security too, she'll be safe right?"

"Of course she will and we'll send a security detail with her." Christian says picking up his cell phone.

"If that makes you feel more comfortable then do it because if you try and stop her Mia will rebel more." I tell him and he nods in agreement, I know Mia just as well as he does, sometimes it's like she's still in that teenage mentality.

By the time Kristin and I are done cleaning up the breakfast dishes Christian has sorted out a security detail for Mia to go to LA, thank God, I don't think I could have handled him not knowing what she was doing the entire time. Her and Ryan are coming for dinner and so Kristin has offered to cook shooing us off to the park trusting her with the kitchen.

We fold India's stroller into the back of the Yaris while Christian mutters something about getting a "fucking decent family car" so he's not seen in this shit while he straps her into her chair.

Before he can protest I climb into the driver's seat and he glares at me making me smirk.

"I didn't think you'd want to be seen driving this fucking shit." I tell him making him laugh and shake his head, yeah I heard you buster! Bitching about my little car.

"So what park?" I ask as I start the car and begin to move out of the drive.

"Hmm gas works is on my safe list, know where that is?"

"Northlake way?" I ask having looked it up when looking for parks myself.

"Yeah." He murmurs already doing something on his phone.

It takes nearly twenty minutes to drive from the house over to the playground and when we do arrive it takes a few minutes for me to find a parking spot.

"If you take India I need to go and run and get something." He says as soon as I've stopped the car.

"Ok."

"Don't leave the playground Ana I won't be long." He says as a warning, I guess his anxiety has risen high because of him leaving us on our own, I'm not complaining it's a chance to feel normal for once, just being out with my daughter.

While Christian wonders off I get India out of the car and into the red joggers stroller before slapping her little cap on her head so she's shaded a little for now. I then cover her hands and face with sun screen not because it's really that sunny but she has either mine or Christian's skin and we both burn easy. I finish my putting the big white sun brolly by clipping it on the frame and tightening it and so she's shaded even more but still able to see where she's going, I know at this age that it's fun to be able to see everything around and I won't take that away from her.

I grab my sunglasses from the glove compartment and put them on hoping that if there is any nosy paparazzi around they won't recognise me so that we can have some peace today but I know from experience that some sleaze like to photograph from afar so we won't know if any pictures are taken without checking the internet.

Once the car is locked up I head towards the park slowly in a gentle stroll enjoying the fresh air and the momentary freedom I feel. It's nice to be out without security or Christian even though I can't wait for him to get back and join us.

I'm just getting by the restrooms when I wonder whether I should go, I could take India inside the cubicle with me but the problem would be the pushchair, I don't feel comfortable leaving it outside. As I'm debating this a hand on my shoulder has me jumping five feet in the air.

"Jesus don't scare me like that Christian!" I yell backhanding him in the chest making him laugh. "Where did you go?"

"Got our lunch and a kite for India." He says showing me his purchases. "What were you lost in thought about."

"I saw the toilets and I was debating how I was going to manage going with India." I explain. "But now that you're here you can watch her while I go."

He grins and happily takes the pushchair allowing me to head off to the bathroom. I'm not surprised that they smell or aren't clean but I need to go so it's an awkward and painful due to surgery hover job before washing my hands thoroughly and joining my family again.

"I think India may be a little young for the playground." I say as I see kids happily playing on the big machine style equipment, Christian smiles, I guess he was thinking the same thing.

"Why don't we go and find somewhere on the grass to sit and I'll get this kite up and going for her, she'll love it and there's enough wind to keep it in the air."

"Sounds good to me." I smile before moving forward.

The place is busy and I'm not surprised with it being a Sunday in spring. The grass is full of families with children of all ages but eventually we find a nice empty spot to park the pushchair and sit down.

"There's plenty to drink in the bag I didn't ask what you wanted so I got a variety." My ever thoughtful fifty announces as he starts unpacking the kite.

"Thanks." I smile having a look at what he's bought to find packaged sandwiches, fruit and about five different drinks.

I pop open a can of diet cola and sit back as Christian sets up the kite, his fingers working quickly over the string before he looks at me with a triumphant smile making me laugh.

"Right India, want your first flying experience?" He asks our daughter making her giggle more at her father's animation than his question. "Yeah come on then girl."

He unbuckles India from her set and hoists her onto his hip as she gurgles in delight, I wish every day could be like this sometimes.

"Right then, we're gonna have to run now so you hold tight to Dad ok?" He says as if she understands him she laughs and nods her head making me smile.

I grab my phone and set the camera on just as he breaks out into a weak run with India bouncing on his hip. He throws the kite into the air and I watch as it plummets back straight down to earth and Christian looks at it a bit confused. I giggle as he picks it up and looks at India saying something I can't hear then he puts her down on the ground beside him and then throws the kite up before running just two steps, his eyes never leaving India.

The kite takes flight and I hear him whoop as he calls India over to him. She giggles and crawls and I cringe at the thought of what she could put her hand in but Christian doesn't seem bothered, he seems happy and relaxed as he keeps one eye on the kite scooping India up onto his hip.

They both smile and I snap a couple of photos on my phone as the kite soars in the wind above whipping one way then the next before crashing down to the ground again making India clap and giggle. This goes on for about an hour and I get my pleasure from sitting here and just watching them until Christian brings India back towards me and plonks himself down on the grass.

"I was thinking maybe we could eat and then go to the zoo." Christian says as I hand India a beaker and help her find her mouth as she sits happily on the grass between us.

"That sounds like a plan but why the zoo?"

"Well just you me and India the zoo seems like a good place to go." He smiles and I nod in agreement, there's not much we can do with India so young so I guess the zoo is a good option.

We eat our food and stop by the bathrooms on the way back so I can change India's diaper, for such a small little girl she stinks sometimes!

"Can I drive?" Christian asks as I place India into her seat in the back.

"Why should I let you when you bitched about my car?" I ask pretending to be really serious.

"You unman me Ana." He growls making me giggle as I step back and grab his crotch.

"No I don't think I do, you're all man Christian Grey." I giggle.

"God Ana not in front of India." He moans.

"She can't see but ok." I tease before handing him the car keys. "Drive Sir." I say with a hint of seduction that has him groaning. I know we're not supposed to have sex because of the surgery but I see a lot of hot sex in my future, much nearer than I expected.

As Christian drives I receive a phone call from Grace, shockingly I debate answering not wanting to spoil the day but eventually I knock the answer button.

"Hello Grace."

"Hi Ana, how are you?"

"I'm well, and my side is fine, healing good I think."

"Good, good, listen Carrick and I are both sitting around doing nothing and we were thinking maybe we could come over and spend some time with you and with our beautiful grandbaby."

"Ok just hold on a moment Grace." I knock the mute button quickly.

"Mom?"

"Yeah she was thinking of coming over, why don't we invite them to join us at the zoo?"

"If you want to baby I don't mind if they're with us or not." He says though I'm not sure if he's being honest.

"You sure? I could turn her down and say we're out just the three of us I don't mind either way."

"We don't spend enough time with my parents with our schedules and with us going to London in just over a week they won't see India for a while either."

"Ok." I smile as I knock the mic back on and press the phone to my ear. "Grace you still there?"

"Of course."

"Listen we're on our way to the zoo if you and Carrick would like to join us. There's only Christian, India and I so we'd love it if you could come."

"Woodland park?"

"Yeah."

"We'll meet you there."

"Ok see you later, bye Grace."

"Coming?" Christian asks.

"Yeah she says that they'll meet us there." I reply and he smiles, I guess he really wants to hang out with his parents too.

We meet Grace and Carrick at the entrance to the zoo and they refuse both our objections to paying for our entry putting Christian in a momentary sulk. Carrick happily takes India out of the pushchair leaving no room for objections as he puts her on his hip and Grace happily links her arm with mine.

"Mia's planning on going to LA with Ryan." She says as we stop just off the penguins where both Carrick and Christian have knelt down so India can press her face to the glass.

"I heard." I reply not sure what to say.

"I know she's twenty two years old Ana but I don't think I want her to go to LA with a practical stranger!" She says emotionally, I can't imagine how hard it is for her and I try to imagine it being India and it makes my heart ache.

"Christian's hired a security guard to go with her, we've invited them both for dinner tonight and we're going to try and talk some sense into her."

"Oh Ana thank you." She says giving my arm a squeeze.

"I know she's a big girl and all and I don't think Ryan would let anything happen to her but he's going to be back at work when he gets back and I don't think it's a good thing for either of them to be jumping into this."

"She said she loves him the way Christian loves you."

"Lust probably." I reply sighing. "I remember when I fell in love with Christian, it was gradual it wasn't love at first sight… definitely lust at first sight. Christian likes to say he loved me from the moment I fell into his office and not to sound crude Grace I know he didn't, however, he did want me in his bed from the moment I fell into his office." She laughs heartily making me smile. "The love we have grew over time and I love him just a little bit more ever day but I realised I was in love with him the week we were apart. My heart ached for him and I was always crying and I couldn't eat. That love grew from the moment I fell into his office to when we went soaring in Savannah, it was all just a small part of making me fall in love with him. There's no way that Mia is in love the way she claims to be."

"When Carrick and I met… it wasn't love at first sight, I actually thought he was an arrogant son of a bitch god-bless his mother." She says making me chuckle. "But when he wasn't with his group of friends and trying to be clever I saw the man that's over there moping over his granddaughter. I saw his charm and his desire for success and I saw a family man and like you said, the more I saw of him the little more of me that fell in love with him and yes I love him more today than I ever did but not as much as I will love him tomorrow." I have never heard Grace speak about Carrick like that and it makes me smile, maybe there really is someone out there for everyone it's just luck that has us finding them sooner rather than later. "Maybe Mia does think she love him and maybe they will fall deeper and deeper in love. Who knows." She sighs. "I just don't like the idea of her running off to LA with him so soon after meeting him."

"I understand Grace but I know Mia well enough to know if I try to talk her out of going the more she's going to dig her heels in."

"You're right there." She laughs as we stop by the gorillas which I see India doesn't like, she's clinging to Carrick and refusing to look making me smile, I guess my baby girl really isn't a fan of gorillas!

We don't bother with the entire zoo with India fading fast she ends up back in her stroller for her nap and we decide to stop in the gift shop before heading for home.

"I'll do what I can to talk to Mia." I whisper in Grace's ear as we embrace.

"Thanks you darling, she just doesn't think things through before diving head first into things." She says and I nod in agreement before climbing into the car.

Walking into our house we're hit by the smell of cooking food and we find Kristin happily in the kitchen working.

"Oh good you're back, Mia and Ryan are already here." She says as I sit down with a still half asleep India in my arms.

"Already?"

"Yeah and she also said something about there being no point you trying to talk her out of going to LA with him tomorrow because she's made her decision and she's going."

"Oh bother." I say shaking my head, I guess she's come here ready for a fight. "So what have you been making? Because it smells really good."

"Ah I have made a fennel and strawberry salad to start, then roasted asparagus and roasted baby carrots in herb mustard and butter with lamb for main and then for dessert strawberry filled cardamom cupcakes." She beams, I guess she's enjoyed her day. "So what did you guys do because she looks exhausted."

"We went to the park and played with a kite then we met Grandma and Grandpa Grey and went to the zoo." I smile happily.

"You've caught some sun on your face, your cheeks are pink." Kristin grins as India begins to fuss.

"Oh someone's ready for her bottle." I say and Kristin pushes one across the island.

"I had some downtime." She explains.

"Thanks Kristin, you've been amazing, having you here…"

"Shut up you softie I've loved being here and I was due a break anyway!" She giggles excitedly. "Next up though you're coming to hang with me for a week."

"Deal, we'll arrange something for after London."

"You and the kid and the husband." She says and I smile and nod, I love this girl so much! "Good or we could all just go on holiday a way from work the lot of us." She says as she checks the food once again. "Ok well I'm going to get changed and then this should be ready. You should get that hunk of yours to choose the wine." She says just as Christian walks in earning her a smile from him.

"Do you want me to take her so you can change?" He asks having already showered and changed into a button down shirt and a pair of black trousers.

"Would you mind?" I ask and he shakes his head before taking her from me earning her momentarily crying as she has to let go of the bottle.

"Go change." He says as I kiss him making my lips tingle at his voice.

In my closet I find a fuchsia long sleeve wrap dress that falls to the knees and pair it with some nude pumps before clipping my hair back, it's good enough for a sit down dinner with family and I'm comfortable so I go back downstairs to find everyone in the dining room. I hug and kiss Mia's cheek and Ryan's too before slipping into the chair beside my husband, India in her high chair on the corner between us.

"What's India got?" I ask as Christian feeds her.

"Sweet carrot risotto. I've written out the ingredients and how to make it for Gail because she's enjoying that." Kristin grins as she places a plate down in front of Mia and Ryan.

"Do you want some help?"

"No you stay right where you are." She says before skipping out the room.

Once we're all seated with our entrée's we dig in. I'm not surprised to find the food amazing and quickly compliment Kristin on her cooking. The strawberry and fennel salad is amazing, I've never eaten strawberries as a part of a main course before but it's yummy!

"So what time is your flight tomorrow?" I ask Mia and Ryan not liking how awkward the silence is coming from both of them.

"Midday." Mia replies her voice soft. "I know you guys don't want me to go but Ryan's right I need a break from all of you, from Seattle and he's kindly offered me to fly back with him on his company jet and to stay at his house."

"If that's what you want to do Mia we support you." I say gripping Christian's hand that's not spoon feeding India so he doesn't retort.

"Thank you Ana. If you weren't around I think Mom and Dad would have locked me up to stop me going."

"They just worry about you Mia and rightly so." I tell her and she giggles.

"It will only be a couple of weeks and I'll call daily."

"Make sure you do and don't ditch the security your over-protective brother is sending with you."

"Fuzz?!" She groans.

"Deal breaker." Christian says and Mia bows her head and nods, I guess she understands it's one of the reason's he isn't kicking up a fuss.

"If you want to fly out to London to meet us I can have my jet in LA for you. Christian's got a few business meetings while we're out there and other than a couple of TV appearances I'm going to be bored, maybe we could shop?" I suggest hoping she'll think about it.

"London is your break Ana I couldn't get in the way."

"Don't be stupid, Hannah and Luke are flying back on the Tuesday after my appearance on loose women and then I'm going to be pretty bored until I record Alan Carr's show and you could come with me…" I try to persuade her and she smiles.

"You can take me shopping."

"Deal!" I say making her giggle, Christian's eyes meet mine and he mouths 'thank you' I just smile, at least this way he'll know she's safe.

"You know I still don't like that you're going to be doing this Celebrity Juice thing." Christian says and I roll my eyes, we had this argument a lot when it first came about before I accepted the offer. "I say yes to the Graham Norton thing and yes to this Chatty Man but I'm really not happy about Celebrity Juice."

"I love that show." Ryan says making me smile. "Keith Lemon is hilarious."

"I don't want him talking about my wife's breasts on national TV." Christian says making us all laugh while he's serious.

"It's the whole idea behind the show Christian, you go on there to be slandered and if any of my music is going to sell in the UK I have to do as you told me and sell myself, I've said yes and I'm doing the show. Please accept that." I tell him not leaving room for anymore argument about it. I've checked the show out and it is hilarious though I do feel sorry for some of the stars and I do wonder if maybe I'll hate doing it but I want to do everything once, this is about really getting my name out there in Britain as a singer so they'll by my CD. I'm performing on Graham Norton and Alan Carr but not on Celebrity Juice just appearing.

After Mia and Ryan have gone and I've put India down for the night Kristin takes her leave allowing me and Christian to be alone in the kitchen doing the dishes, it's so mundane and ordinary it's nice to be just the two of us for a while.

"What are your plans for tomorrow?" Christian asks as he passes me a dish to dry and put away.

"Hmm I think maybe I'll stay home or take India to the office with me."

"You should be resting." He growls.

"I promise no strenuous activity office would require sitting in a chair just like sitting in the study will."

"Have you been into your study since you've been home from New York?"

"No why?" I frown, I haven't had a reason to go in there.

"While you were in the hospital I had a trophy cabinet made, your IBA's are in there."

"Thank you baby, I'll take a look later or in the morning, you know what I hadn't even wondered where the trophies were!" I laugh as he passes me the last dish.

"We have had a very normal day Mrs Grey." Christian says as he drains the water from the sink.

"That we have Mr Grey." I reply with a seductive tint in my voice.

"Hmm I think we should end the day in an ordinary manner too."

"And how would that be?"

"With husband making love to his darling wife, being extra slow and sensual to make sure it's all pleasure and no pain from the surgery she had a week ago."

"That Mr Grey sounds like a swell idea." I smile leaning in for a kiss as he dries his hands.

"Let's go then Mrs Grey." He says scooping me up into his arms, I giggle and kiss him hard before he finally takes off for the stairs.


	20. Chapter 20

**Thursday April 18th 2013**

The past two weeks have flown by, after waving Mia off for LA with Ryan Seacrest much to the family's chagrin it became a whirlwind time. We finished recording the video for Cinderella, we also recorded the duet which is in my humble opinion AM-AZ-ING! Then of course there was the press for the single in the States and the training for the Marathon. It really has been a hectic couple of weeks and packing to leave has been an even bigger nightmare.

After saying goodbye to Kristin Chenoweth last weekend I decided to figure out exactly what I was going to wear for everything that I have to do, that alone took ages but thankfully I am in love with Herve Leger's Bandage dresses and own a LOT of those so that was one less thing to worry about.

Of course there was the additional gig of Britain's Got Talent Semi Final performance that was added into the mixture at the last minute. I was going to say no until I found out that Simon Cowell himself contacted Christian then I felt I couldn't.

Packing for India was a big nightmare, she has so many damn clothes but thankfully I had Carrie to help me pack up those things that don't fit anymore into bags for goodwill and putting the things that are still too big towards the back of the closet, it's ridiculous how much clothes a seven month old has! Then there were the toys and the pushchair and the car seat and everything else that falls into a must have with a baby India's age. Christian called the hotel and asked for them to make sure there was covers on the plug sockets so that India won't electrocute herself!

Of course we somehow only just make it to the plane on time with India deciding to be particularly stroppy and Christian doing some last minute calls. He has a lot of business to attend to in London which I know means we won't have any real down time.

Thankfully Mia is flying out tomorrow to meet us there so she'll be with Christian and India while I'm running the marathon on Sunday. My training really stepped up and two days ago I ran the whole length of it without stopping in six hours. It was amazing and the moment I finished it was like pure euphoria. Then came the ice bath and I was wondering what the hell I was doing it for just to be reminded of the near million dollars in sponsorship Hannah and I have managed to raise.

On the plane there is Taylor, Zachary, Gail, Hannah, Luke, Lola, Carrie, Oreon, myself, India and Christian. I can see why he chooses to have a bigger plane than mine as travelling this way with so many is pure luxury where as it would be a bit more of a tight squeeze on my jet which is in LA ready to pick up Mia and bring her too us.

As she promised she called every day and it sounded like she was having a good time, the press were going wild over the Grey sister being in LA with none other than Ryan Seacrest so we got to keep up with her on TMZ too which made a change of checking the website out for any sightings of us.

Arriving in London three stretch limos pick us up to take us to my house. I'm instantly filled with excitement at being here again as it's been too God-damn long! Thankfully we're at the house sooner rather than later.

All the men quickly gather the suitcases out of the trunks and onto the street to be brought into the house while Mrs Farrah greets us all enthusiastically, It's been over a year since I was last here and I can only imagine how lonely she could be and how excited she must be to have a houseful though I do see a battle happening between her and Gail for the kitchen.

"Right then tea and coffee order?" Mrs Farrah asks as we step into the kitchen.

"I can do them." Gail smiles and I see it's already begun and it's hard for me to supress a snigger. "Why don't you meet little India and I'll make the drinks then I'll right down for you how everyone has it for next time?" Gail suggests, I see her logic, it would just be quicker for her to make them now.

"Ok." Mrs Farrah smiles and she approaches me almost shyly.

"India say hello to Mrs Farrah." I say bouncing my Precious Princess on my hip as she acts shy of the new person approaching.

"Oh Mrs Grey she's just the little cherub, thank you for all the photos you sent me and Mr Grey too." She smiles, I didn't know that Christian was sending her photos but I've made sure to keep her updated with our lives.

"Oh it's no bother, you're long distance family and someday I'm sure India will look forward to coming to visit." I say smiling as India finally begins to get intrigued by Mrs Farrah. "You are beautiful." She says in a baby voice making me giggle. "Yes you are, you look just like your Mommy with just a hint of Daddy." She says squeezing India's nose just enough to earn a giggle.

"She likes you." I say smiling and she beams.

"May I hold her."

"If she'll come to you my hip could do with a rest." I say already encouraging India into Mrs Farrah's arms.

Thankfully she goes without issue and Mrs Farrah happily sits down on an empty stool and plays row row row your boat gently with India on her lap earning lots of giggles from her.

"Hmm it seems India is a fan of London." Christian says sneaking up behind me.

"Yes she is, she likes Mrs Farrah." I smile as Gail begins putting the tea and coffee on the breakfast island.

I take my tea and quickly dip the bag before taking a deep inhale of it only to have to put it down again as a wave of nausea hits me.

"Ana you ok?" Christian asks seeing me turn my nose from my tea.

"Yeah I think tea straight after a long flight isn't such a good idea. Gail can I have a glass of milk please?"

"Sure thing Ana." She calls back as Christian takes my tea and deposits it down the drain.

"Mrs Farrah have you thought of dinner?" Christian asks distracting the woman from or daughter from the moment.

"There's a very large Sheppard's pie in the oven and I'll start steaming the vegetables when everyone goes to get settled in their rooms."

"What time do you think it will be ready by?"

"I can have it ready for whenever you want Mr Grey."

"I think we all need a nap, the flight was quite turbulent and none of us slept that much not even India, she was excited on Daddy's plane." He grins like a boy and talks animatedly towards India though he's speaking with Mrs Farrah.

"How does seven thirty sound? Late but gives you all time to have an hour or so."

"Perfect."

"Thank you." I add not liking Christian forgetting his manners, it earns a smile from Mrs Farrah as Gail hands India her beaker, she's still only just learning how to manage the two handled device but it's so cute to see her podgy little hands surrounding it.

"Should we head up?" Christian asks and I nod and put my milk glass in the dishwasher automatically, it's shocking how I remember where everything is in here.

I take India from Mrs Farrah and take the elevator with Christian up to the third floor where the master suite is. I walk in to find it's not changed at all and it's nice to enter a dust free space too, the advantages of having a housekeeper here even when we're not.

I change India from her jeans and lay her down in the crib that's been set up in our room in just her vest before stripping down to my own panties. Christian groans as I head for the bed but there is no way on planet earth that I am having sex with my daughter in the room.

"We'll have to send Gail and Taylor or Carrie out with India at some point you know that right?" He asks climbing into the bed beside me in just his boxer instantly spooning me and letting me feel his hard on.

"Yup." I reply already halfway to sleep.

Mrs Farrah wakes us up at seven pm having given us just an hour and a half to snooze. Thankfully though it's all I needed to feel refreshed and I look forward to dinner with the family.

Christian and I both change into suitable dinner wear, me in one of my many Herve Leger Bandage dresses, this one being a square neck, shoulder sleeves and a pale gold to my knees and Christian in his button down shirt. I put India in a dress too and make sure to have a bib to put around her neck so that she doesn't make too much of a mess of it, I don't know what Mrs Farrah will have done for India's food but I do have a feeling that whatever it will be will lead to a mess.

We meet everyone else down in the dining room and it seemed everyone had the idea of dressing for Dinner. Poor Hannah looks exhausted and I know how tired she is being three months pregnant now and just starting to show. I am really worried about her doing the Marathon but she's insisted that she do it even if she has to walk the entire route. Me, I'm determined to run it all but we'll see.

This is probably the only time we'll really get to enjoy a meal like this. With my first TV appearance tomorrow and Christian with business dealings I know that the next eight days are going to be extremely hectic.


	21. Chapter 21

**I'm going to try and re-create The Graham Norton Show as best I can here, it always makes me laugh but I don't have a funny bone in my body so I hope that this does the show some justice and you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I recommend if you don't know the show check it out on youtube so you have Graham Norton's voice in your head as you read the ending!**

**Friday 19th April 2013**

I sit in the library catching up on some emails trying to keep my anxiety filled mind on something other than tonight's first British TV appearance singing. It's terrifying to be in this position, it's worse than my first ever TV appearance in New York and even worse than Oprah!

This is still my favourite room in the house. The old white beams and gold furniture are just perfect giving the house an old fashioned but nouveau riche feel too. India's happily sitting playing with some toys and I get to try and relax. This morning Hannah, Luke, Lola and I ran the marathon length once more, the last time before Sunday, tomorrow will be dedicated to breathing techniques with some very expensive piece of equipment that Lola has hired to basically recreate the London air while we run on a treadmill which Christian went and bought as this house doesn't have a gym.

After a quick lunch and a glass of milk, for some strange reason my stomach is still protesting tea which has never happened before, it's off to the studio for a rehearsal with Hannah and Lola by my side. Lola happens to be a trained dancer and being comfortable in her own skin she's more than happy to 'be me' showing me things I could do or could consider doing during my act though I'm more worried about my voice not working.

"Oh my God! Ana you'll never guess who you're guest starring with on this tonight!" Hannah squeals rushing from the backstage area, her headset is knocked awkwardly to one side where she's been in touch with someone directing the music as we don't have the band for the rehearsal.

"Who?"

"Daniel Radcliffe!"

"No way!" I get all excited, I am a big Harry Potter fans and I read the British version of the novels as well as the American versions preferring words like jumper instead of sweater and philosopher's stone not sorcerer's stone.

I get a brief glance at Graham Norton, he kindly flashes me a smile and a wave as I'm stood at the glitzed up microphone rehearsing the song again, it makes me feel so shy and I hear my voice quietening.

"Ana!" Lola yells, I love her she really doesn't care about snapping at me when necessary. "Focus, you're going to rock tonight but only if you focus!"

"Ok!" I reply before Hannah gets them to loop the music again.

We run the song a few more times before calling it quits realising there isn't much more that we can do. Lola has given me some directions and with the producers blessing we find out I don't have to stay confined to the stage.

A seat is reserved for Christian but he is the only person coming with me tonight as I would be too nervous to perform in front of the whole gang though I know they're all coming to the Britain's Got Talent gig which is quite scary seeing as they've contacted me about the "production" of the song, apparently that involves dancers, or more importantly some male dancers and pyrotechnics. That rehersal is going to be all day because of getting the camera angle and Lola who has been studying the show intently since I mentioned it has got quite the plan… I'm scared of her when she gets plans!

After a quick dinner Christian and I leave with Taylor to the show. He keeps a hold of my hand the entire ride over and keeps whispering reassurances to me which is sweet though the nearer to the studio we get the more terrified I become.

Hannah of course had my outfit transported there first thing so as soon as I arrive I'm whisked off to get my hair and makeup done the way Hannah specified which is apparently a centre parting with my bangs straight and loose waves all down then in front of my shoulders.

My outfit for this evening is a short shorts jump suit in black with a very low v-neck and a thick pink belt around the middle replacing the original black belt that was there when I bought the item. Christian eyes the outfit with doubt but I know he won't say anything, I just dare him too. My shoes are hot pink wedges and show off my beautifully pedicured toes to the nation… it's sad what some of us think about in some moments.

Once I'm ready Christian is asked to take his seat as the show is about to begin. I kiss him and he wishes me luck before making his way to his seat front row in the audience leaving me to be led to the two men who I'll be appearing beside tonight. I don't get the chance to really say hello as Graham Norton's voice comes on.

Producers rush over and make sure the three of us are mic'ed up before letting us know that we have around three minutes before we go on, that takes my breath away, I'm so nervous!

"This week we're celebrating all things Marathon so I'm going to pretending that I'm fit enough to run it in under four hours…. Maybe not but I do have three stars with me tonight who are running Sunday and are going to raise a lot of money in the process while making themselves even more famous… LET'S START THE SHOW."

Somehow I manage to hide my surprise at the fact that the two men either side of me are running tomorrow too. I had no idea, I didn't ask them and they didn't ask me. I'm still struggling not to Fan girl over Dan Radcliffe in all honesty. The opening credits have finished and Graham Norton is stood where he will be greeting us ready to make his audience laugh.

"Tonight we have Olympic medallist and Splash mentor Tom Daily, Seattle's Sweetheart Ana Grey and stage and screen actor Daniel Radcliffe!" There are whoops, hollers and cheers to each of our names which makes me relax a little, I mean I was expecting boos or deathly silence, I don't know which would have been worse!

"Ok guys be ready in two." One of the producers says making me adjust my microphone, it's tucked neatly into the pocket of my jump suit and hooked onto the V neck of the collar.

"Our stars connection tonight is they're all running in the Marathon on Sunday to raise money for their respective charities but there's a little more than just the Marathon connecting Daniel and Ana, with the rumours still floating around about whether or not there will be a movie made of her International Award winning series Fifty Shades it's also believed that Daniel Radcliffe is first in line to play the Dominant Richard, I mean we all know he spends more time these days out of his clothes than in them." I stifle a giggle while the boys full on laugh at the picture of Daniel on screen where his modesty is hidden by nothing more than a pink star. "I wasn't sure if Ana Grey was going to be able to make it to the show tonight either, being Seattle's Sweetheart she has a lot of reasons to be Sleepless in Seattle, mainly with her hunk of a husband and these fine tools." A picture of a flogger and handcuffs appear on the screen and I giggle again, I like this show already, Graham Norton is funny. "Of course Tom Daily is a mentor on the Hit TV show Splash, something tells me it's not splash but float on his mind here." There's a picture of the young athlete next to an older looking woman in a bikini, his mouth is open, clearly talking but his hand looks like it's on her large breast and he blushes scarlet beside me while Daniel and I laugh. "Ok so let's get this show on the road!"

The three of us are quickly moved to the entrance to the set and I exhale nervously. Tom who is stood behind me gives my arm a rub and when I look at him he gives me a smile, he looks so relaxed and I'm terrified and I know he's sensed that, something tells me though it's more to do with the fact that I'm singing live tonight and not the fact that I'm on the show as a guest.

"We have our grown up favourite wizard with a very magic wand Daniel Radcliffe!" The studio goes wild as Daniel walks up the four steps onto the set. Graham sounds like an excited child as he greets him, and I know from YouTube that this isn't Daniel's first time on the show.

"Erotic fiction writer who had hot kinky sex to become one of the world's most beautiful Mother's Ana Grey!" I walk up the steps to a lot of cheers, I spot Christian in the audience and give him a wide smile before walking over to Graham to receive a hug and air kisses and a "wow hello gorgeous" before sliding onto the large C shaped red couch beside Daniel Radcliffe who is sipping at a glass of water, in front of me a large glass of white wine which I am thankful for, I need the kick from the alcohol!

"And Olympic Superstar turned TV Star Tom Daily!" Tom comes on and greets Graham before he slides onto the couch beside me to a drink I guess is coke.

"Wow! Now this is a sexy looking couch!" Graham says before sinking into his own seat as the audience cheers. "I love how you've all gone straight for your drinks, most of the time Celebs don't even touch them."

"Now come on we need something to cool off have you seen this beauty the two of us have been stuck in the back with?" Daniel says signalling to me, that's my cue to blush while they audience laughs.

"Well of course she's gorgeous but she's the one who has drank the most."

"I need something to help me relax right now!" I reply dramatically making everyone laugh, I've relaxed so quickly, taken on a persona almost of Ana Grey the celebrity who is expected to be comfortable in these positions.

"I didn't ever think I'd have a couch like this, you're all near each other's age, I feel old with you all, you're like young enough to by kids!" More laughter from the audience and awkwardness from all of us, it's amusing to be in this position. "So thank you all for coming on tonight, I know you're all taking a break from your Marathon training to be here." It causes a snort from me which has me blushing. "No training Ana? Going to walk it?"

"Uh… not as much training as I'd like." I say embarrassed.

"Of course!" It's like it's just hit him in the face. "You had surgery didn't you, just like three weeks ago?"

"Yeah I had my appendix out which put a halt on training for a few days." I say to an aww from the guys on the couch, Graham and the audience making me tilt my head and smile shyly.

"What about you two, have you done much training?"

"I've just kept up with my diving training really." Tom says with a shrug, he's so cute, I want to take him home and tuck him into bed and read him a story! He has a real boyish charm about him that's just adorable.

"Dan?"

"I've been training for it for a few weeks but the new TV show cut that back a bit so I'm in a place where I don't know if I'll be able to finish it."

"You couldn't just wave your magic wand and be able to do it?" This earns more laughs, I feel sorry for him in a way, I bet he never gets away from the Harry Potter jokes!

"Oh if only it was possible." Dan says while chuckling, I can see he's used to it all by now, that's a good thing.

"So Ana."

"So Graham." I reply copying his posture earning more laughs.

"You… you're a Mom…"

"Yes."

"And we have a picture of you and your little girl here India?"

"Yeah India." A picture comes on screen of me with India on my hip, she's wearing a pink dress and white tights with her white little ribbon shoes and a little headband whereas I look stressed, sunglasses on my eyes my hair scruffed up and I know that this is me meeting her in town after running the twenty six miles for the first time. I'm wearing just a sports bra and a pair of black tiny hot pants."

"She's just gorgeous."

"Thank you."

"So that's India Annalise Grey, one of the richest children under one in the world right?"

"I have no idea." I chuckle, India has a trust fund but it's not that big really, not for what Christian and I make.

"Ok so she's not wearing a baby Dior dress from Neiman Marcus that cost one thousand and two hundred dollars."

I know she is because I bought this dress, I thought it was cute and didn't see the price till I got home. I was disgusted with myself for spending so much but I didn't have the heart to take it back.

"One thousand two hundred dollars for a dress that's what eight hundred British pounds?" Dan says as I look embarrassed.

"It's a pretty dress." I try and argue making everyone laugh. "I bought India that dress and I've learned not to look at price tags because if I did I'd never buy anything."

"But you are a multi-millionaire." Graham says making everyone laugh.

"Yeah but over one thousand dollars for a dress it is ridiculous." I say and everyone agrees with me.

"What's the most you've ever spend on your own clothes?"

"Ah…" I don't want to say I'm embarrassed again but then a picture of me in the gold Oscar De La Renta gown comes up on the small computer monitor behind Graham.

"This?"

"Yes." I nod and then hide behind my hands.

"Eleven thousand dollars." Gasps ripple around the room and I groan.

"It's a pretty dress!" I say again. "And it was for a charity fundraiser in Seattle that I was holding for Carla's cancer trust and I needed to look my best but in all honesty I really didn't look at the price tag I just chose the dress."

"What about you boys, what's the most you've spent on clothing?" Thankfully for the moment the spotlight is off me.

"I had an issue once. I was in New York in Bergdorf Goodman and my card bounced…" Dan looks so embarrassed.

"It bounced? What had you been spending on?" Graham asks in a funny manner making everyone laugh.

"No I couldn't remember the pin number! It was so embarrassing! I had about five thousand dollars' worth of shopping because it was close to Christmas and I put in my pin and it rejected it. It ended up with my agent who was with me putting it all on her card till I could contact the bank and have the money transferred back to her account and find out what my pin was. I was humiliated."

I think that's brilliant, poor Dan!

"What about you Tom?"

"I like buying clothes but they're all around the same price, I wish I could just spend eleven thousand dollars on a dress…"

"On a dress?" Graham asks in a high pitch squeal making everyone laugh.

"No not a dress but on one piece of clothing, I don't think I'd look like that in a dress." He says pointing to the picture of me still on screen.

"Oh ok then." Graham says making it out like he doesn't believe him.

"So what about fashion blunders, I bet you've all had them in the press…" I bite my lip as one comes to mind of course it's picked up on. "Oh Ana's thought of one." He says in a playful accusing manner.

"Well it's not really a blunder…" I say embarrassed once more. "It was at the IBA's…"

"The international book awards where Ana walked away with three out of the nominated eight!" Graham says quickly earning a whoo from the audience and a blush from me.

"Yeah the International Book Awards, I was wearing a gorgeous black and white flowery dress by Jovani…"

"This one?" A picture of me on the red carpet comes up on the screen and I smile and nod, it's a nice picture so I'm glad about that.

"Yeah that one and to keep in theme if you will my second dress for the award I was presenting was also a Jovani number and the press went wild over it being 'too old' for me." I make inverted commas with my fingers.

"This one?" A picture of me on stage with Christian comes up on the screen and I nod. "I don't think it's too old for you, I like it."

"I don't know, I could see it suiting my mother in law or my friend and housekeeper so I guess maybe that's what they mean?"

"You do look more mature in that dress." Daniel says cocking his head to one side as if he's really studying the photograph.

"Yeah I'm twenty three I could pass for forty in that dress which isn't a good thing." I say sipping at my wine.

Thankfully the topic is changed and it's time to discuss the boys work which leaves me out of the spotlight for the moment. I join in the conversations and start feeling like I'm at a bar or club just hanging out with friends until it's back onto me again and the topic of why I'm really here comes up.

"So Ana you're singing for us live tonight…"

"Am I?" I ask nerves taking over.

"Your single Cinderella came out in the UK on Monday do you think you'll be number one?"

"I don't know." I shrug, truth is I don't know.

"Ana Grey's just gone all shy on us. Where's your husband? Oh he's there, Mr Grey come up here." Christian points at himself in shock, this wasn't scripted or planned and Graham Norton nods and encourages him to come up and he does quickly sliding into the seat beside me.

"Ok so I heard Ana briefly in rehearsals today, you are her biggest fan right?"

"That's right…" He's stopped by Graham.

"You're not wearing a mic hold on, share Ana's." He says as I push the part of my collar up to him earning a whoop from the audience as Christian lowers himself in line with my chest and I flash a tiny part of my bra to the camera. "Now we all know what's involved in their version of Sleepless in Seattle!" Graham hollers as a producer rushes over with a mic box for Christian, thankfully he's used them before and gets it clipped on quick.

"Is it on? Yeah it's on." Graham says letting Christian know it's safe for him to talk while I tidy my shirt up. "So it's you who pushed Ana into releasing this single right?"

"Yeah, she's a great singer and I'd just taken on my first record company I wanted my first successful artist to be someone I trusted and who better than my wife?" He says wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

"Oh look at you two love birds!" Graham says flapping his hand. "So your songs doing well in the States."

"Yeah it's what number eight on the top one hundred billboard, it went in at number eleven." I reply.

"Of course you're far more famous there than you are here."

"Yeah here I can go to the store without anyone recognising me. Can't do that in Seattle." I chuckle.

"So your song – Cinderella, tell us about it." Graham encourages.

"Well it's about being independent not wanting to be like a fairytale princess who has a knight in shining armour do everything for them and be their hero. It's about wanting to be equals in relationships."

"Now remember this is coming from the woman who wrote about a Dominant and submissive relationship…" He says making everyone including Christian and I laugh. "Rumour has it that this song is about telling everyone you're not a gold digger."

"Not at all, I didn't write the song a lovely lady called Lila Robinson did and she's an amazing song writer I'm working with her on the album and it's simply about being a strong independent female."

"Well it's song time Ana so go get yourself ready." That's my cue to head over to my pink bejewelled microphone with the band on the stage after a quick stolen kiss by Christian. "So Cinderella by Ana is available to buy or download now. Here she is ladies and gentlemen it's Ana!"

The audience goes wild which spurs me on as I finish tucking in my ear piece as the band starts up. As encouraged by Lola who spent all day here with me I begin clapping which spurs the audience in to doing the same. The final four beats into the lyrics hit and I grab the microphone on the stand, grasping it firmly with both hands hoping noise will actually come out of my mouth.

"When I was just a little girl my Mama used to tuck me into bed and she read me a story." I shake my hips up and down just as Lola instructed. "It always was about a princess in distress and how a guy would save her and end up with the glory." Another shake of the hips, I can do this, I know I can. "I'd lie in bed and think about the person that I wanted to be" push the mic away and pull it in. "Then one day I realised the fairytale life, wasn't for me." Remove mic from stand.

I step to the side and push the mic stand out with my right hand while grasping the mic tight in my left.

"I don't wanna be like Cinderella sitting in a dark old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody to come and set me free. I don't wanna be like snow white waiting for a handsome prince to come and save me on a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side, don't wanna depend on no one else I'd rather rescue myself."

I step off the stage and walk towards the steps with a smile, I can do this, I really can! I stand in front of the steps looking up them and around as the next verse kicks in.

"Someday I'm gonna find someone who wants my soul heart and mind who's not afraid to show that he loves me." I walk across to the left towards the main stage where the couch is. "Somebody who will understand I'm happy just the way I am don't need nobody taking care of me." With Christian no longer at his seat I plonk myself quickly on his lap on the couch which surprises everyone including Christian who probably thought I would have sat in his empty seat keeping to what Lola said but instinct has taken over now. "I will be there for him just as strong as he, will be there for me." I flick my finger on his nose before standing quickly. "When I give myself then it has got to be…" Look at him in the eyes. "An equal thing!" I hit the high note and hold it to cheers from the audience and a hand squeeze from Christian before I turn away and walk back to the stage.

"Sitting in a dark old dusty cellar waiting for somebody, who'll come and set me free. I don't wanna be like snow white waiting for a handsome prince to come and save me on a horse of white, unless we're riding side by side don't wanna depend on no one else, I'd rather rescue myself."

My mic slides into place on the stand perfectly, thankfully! There were a few issues with it in rehearsal where it slipped out or I couldn't get it in to the slot in time.

"I can slay my own dragon, I can dream my own dream, my knight in shining armour is me…" I can hit this, I can hit this, "So I'm gonna set me free!" I hold the note and do all the fancy trills that Kristin taught me, hitting everyone, she will be proud. "Waiting for somebody to come and set me free!" I hold it again, I'm lost in the music now, performing on instinct, rocking my hips and shoulders, moving my head and displaying all the emotions of the song in my face. "I don't wanna be like snow white waiting for a handsome prince to come and save me on a horse of white unless we're riding side by side don't wanna depend on no one else I'd rather rescue myself!" The song finishes and the whole audience is alive with cheers and applause.

I did it! My first ever live performance and I didn't freeze, I didn't panic, my voice actually worked and I didn't wet myself, a success in my books! I bow to the audience as they cheer and I look over to the couch where everyone is on their feet clapping and I smile brightly at Christian who gives me a large dazzling smile back.

I make my way back over to the couch and receive hugs off Tom and Daniel and then of course a kiss of Christian as Graham parks himself back on his seat after giving the information on how to download the single from iTunes and then he goes on to talk about stories and the chair which he evacuates if he doesn't like the story, he evacuates three people and none of the stories were that interesting or funny though I do love the way Graham makes us laugh on the chair by taking the piss out of the person in the chair. Then it's over and I'm flooded with relief as the director announces we're out.

Of course we were told how this bit would play out. The crew need pictures for the website and so on so we all take turns in posing on our own and together, sometimes with Graham, sometimes with Christian and of course we're told we'll be emailed the photos which is nice.

We then sign a few autographs for the audience members and even Christian poses for pictures with some ladies who obviously fancy him, it's hard not to roll my eyes when I seem him charming the panties off some of the British women in the audience but I'm glad to see him having fun, it's been a tough couple of weeks but now we're here and it's great and tomorrow Celebrity Juice!

It's good to get home but I'm barley through the door before I'm pounced on by Mia. She's so over the top but I can tell she's happy to be here and that's a good thing.

"Christian." She smiles before pouncing on him.

"Hello Mia." He says hugging her back. "Are you going to let us in now?"

"Oh of course." She snorts before heading towards the kitchen.

I giggle and follow her through and then am surprised when there's a series of small bangs and paper ribbons thrown at me. I laugh as Christian steps up behind me and cups my shoulders.

"Congratulations on a wonderful performance this evening." He whispers making me smile. "Your own little after party."

"Oh thank you!" I squeal excitedly as Mrs Farrah passes me a glass of champagne. "Oh this is nice."

"You were amazing Ana." Mia squeals right in my ear as I begin accepting congratulations from everyone except Hannah who's missing.

"Bed, she's exhausted." Luke says quietly and I nod, I understand the girl's working hard this week and she's three months pregnant, she needs a rest.

I groan in embarrassment when Taylor points to the TV which is back at the start of the interview, I don't think I want to watch it back but I apparently have no choice as Gail and Lola sit me front and centre before everyone gather's up. Lola puts it on and I sit back to watch with trepidation, just because it felt like it went good seeing it is going to make me look and sound different to what I felt on the stage.

The fast forward most of the interview that I wasn't involved in such as the boys work even though I made some comments and that cuts the girls made to the show cut it down to about twenty odd minutes.

When the music begins I laugh because there's no denying how obvious my nerves are, I look like a deer caught in headlights!

At the end I'm shocked. After the first verse it's like I settled down and I became a singer and a performer, yeah I'm no Beyoncé but damn I really know how to use my hips!

After a second glass of champagne thankfully everyone starts heading off to bed leaving me to go too. Christian near carries me up the stairs I'm just that exhausted!

"You did good baby." He says as soon as we're in our bedroom.

"Thank you. I couldn't have done that without you there." I tell him and he laughs and rubs his nose against my cheek.

"Of course you could have. Ana you're talented baby you need words with Sandra because she needs to drum it into you that you can do this."

"I don't think even Sandra is that good." I chuckle as I head to the wardrobe to change. Maybe I really should learn to have a little more faith in myself.


	22. Chapter 22

**Again going to try and recreate the show best I can here, I love celebrity juice! But it's really hard so there is a big chunk I originally wrote then deleted missing!**

**Saturday 20th April 2013**

After a long work out with Lola and Hannah I'm really ready to face today. Christian is still sulking that I'm not reconsidering the Celebrity Juice thing but it's a really good TV show for me to be on to get people to buy my CD in Britain, tomorrow afternoon I'll find out if I've made it onto the British Charts and if so at what number.

For me, it will be a success just to get on it but I know Christian is hoping for top ten, he may have just let that slip making me feel a little worried that he'll be disappointed if it doesn't get in the top ten.

Today Mia and Hannah and I are the ones going to the recording with Christian spending the day with India, it's not a show we can take her too though with Christian's business stuff all next week she's coming with me to Britain's Got Talent all day so I can at least spend some time with her.

We head out with Luke Sawyer in one of the limos, Christian's not as uptight about security in London but with people knowing where I'm going to be there will be fans hanging about outside the studio and he doesn't have any idea how the shows handle it though Taylor does apparently, he's looked into it.

I'm so excited when we arrive and as always we're shown to my dressing room. Lola has had my hair in rollers all morning, she's multi-talented she can teach me to run a marathon and do my hair when I can't do it myself! She showed Mia how to take them out and Mia did my makeup for me and she did well too it's not too much but it's not too little either.

I'm wearing yet another Herve Leger bandage dress, this one navy blue with a wide rounded V-neck, cap sleeves falling down to my lower thigh. What I love most about these dresses are they give you a perfect hour glass figure even if you're like me and don't have one. I wear it with my blue pointed toe Saint Laurent shoes. After removing the rollers my hair falls down in beautiful waves, now I'm glad I didn't chop it to my shoulders like I had planned, long brown hair down to the waist really suits me especially with the wide bangs and layers. Maybe I should get highlights again…

"Knock knock."

"Come in." I say spinning in my chair where I have been checking my emails on my blackberry. I turn to see Holly Willoughby standing with an almost shy smile. "Hi."

"Hello, Ana right?"

"Yeah. Holly?" She nods and enters the room a little more confident, she's so pretty even more so in person than on telly.

"You ready for this?"

"I'm really nervous." I admit giving a nervous laugh.

"You should be, Keith is out to get you but just don't take anything he says personally and you'll be ok." She says making me cringe. "Just honestly act like we're a group of your best friends, you can say anything you want the show is pre-recorded so if there's anything they don't like they'll just cut it out."

"Ok good to know." I reply with a nervous smile.

"You're on my team along with Dermot O'Leary."

"Ok." I nod and she smiles.

"Seriously go out there ready to have fun in the most crazy way and you'll be fine." She says giving my hand a squeeze.

"I'll try." I laugh nervously again, how can I not be nervous and embarrassed.

Once I'm mic'ed up it's out onto the set and I meet Dermot O'Leary who is on the same team as me with Holly and he hugs and air kisses me before we take our seats either side of Holly, I'm closest to where Keith Lemon will be sitting so I'm slightly more nervous. Sitting opposite us is Fearne Cotton with Rufus and Louis Walsh, I've seen his work on xFactor on Youtube, thank God for youtube!

When Keith comes out the audience goes wild! Music plays and we all just start like dancing in our seats. Holly gives me a reassuring smile and grabs my hand encouraging me to move more but thankfully as I do she keeps a hold of my hand.

Keith runs up the audience steps and then turns around while everyone claps and cheers along. He does a random Mr Muscle type pose before working his way down the steps. We stop dancing and start clapping along, I have a very random smile on my face, I don't know but I guess it means I'm starting to relax.

He jumps to his seat and spins around a couple of times as the music dies.

"Welcome to Celebrity Juice!" He announces making everyone scream with excitement, it's quite shocking how excited the audience is and what's funny is I can hear Mia and Hannah which is almost embarrassing. "It's Holly Willoubooby!" The audience cheer again and a camera comes close while she waves and smiles. "So Holly introduce your team!" Keith announces.

"Ok well I've got shoulder everyone seems to like to cry on its xFactor presenter Dermot O'Leary!" Cheers ripple around as he waves and I take a deep breath through my teeth while I smile. "And the young woman who made BDSM fashionable it's writer and singer Ana Grey!" More cheers, at least they didn't boo!

"And Feanre who have you got on your team?"

"As always I've got the brilliant Rufus Hound!" She yells making the crowd go wild making barking noises, it's quite amusing. "And the sensational xFactor judge Louis Walsh!" we continue to clap until Keith calms the audience down.

"Now Ana Grey." Oh shit he's starting with me.

"Yes?" I squeak making everyone laugh.

"Are you scared of me?" He asks in all seriousness though everyone knows he's being funny.

"Maybe." I squeak.

"Why?" He asks faking offence. "Is it cause you know I wanna smash your back doors in."

I gasp and my hand flies to mouth as I laugh, it's the mixture of shock and hilarity that one doesn't experience a lot. Everyone is laughing as I smile behind my hand and shake my head.

"You're a beautiful woman is it wrong that I wanna smash your back doors in?"

"Oh stop it!" I say laughing.

"Oh stop it!" He says mocking my accent. "I'm American!" He says making me giggle. "No but seriously now, do you do all that stuff in Fifty Shades?"

"No!" I say shaking my head.

"But you know so much about it all, like I can see you now with a butt plug with a blue sapphire on it." Everyone's laughing as his hand slips under the desk and I hide behind my fingers and peek through.

"Oh my GOD!" I gasp as he pulls out a very large butt plug, not unrealistically large, I guess someone who is into fisting could us it…

"Now the sapphire in this isn't real like the one's you're used to but still." He says handing it over to me.

"God it weighs a tonne!" I say weighing it in my hand.

Holly comes to have a look and I hand it to her.

"Oh my God… someone actually would wear that up their… bum?"

"Yeah I did."

The thing hits the desk so fast I'm giggling uncontrollably. Dermot picks it up and starts looking closely at it while I completely break down laughing. I can't stop.

"Can you imagine walking around with one of those shoved up your arse?" Rufus says. "It would be like always needing a shit and not being able to go."

"Constipation." Dermot says still playing with the butt plug.

"I guess you'd be into that if you're into fisting are you into fisting Ana?" I'm still laughing but manage to shake my head, this is so funny.

"That's inhumane!" Fearne says while laughing.

"Dermot O'Leary."

"Yeah?" He asks passing me back the butt plug. I just put it on the ridge in the desk where my glass of water is so I can listen.

"Whn are you gonna be on telly again?"

"Uh I don't know, I've got a bit of down time right now." He replies seriously.

"You know what you could do…"

"Go on." Dermot is clearly expecting something rude.

"I could hire you and you could work as my sex slave, be my submissive."

We all laugh again as Dermot tries to come up with an answer.

"Yeah I could do couldn't I?" He replies making us laugh more.

"Yeah you could like be naked all the time in my house and I'd put a pigs tail shaped but plug up your ass."

"Yeah." Dermot laughs.

"So when's xfactor coming back?"

"In a few months they're already recruiting people for auditions." Dermot replies I love how he can be serious when there's nothing serious happening.

"And Louis." Keith spins his chair to face Louis Walsh who looks like he's always happy and smiley, the smile on his face is actually quite cute!

"Yes Keith?"

"What are you doing now xFactor's over?"

"I'm just managing for a while."

"Like Jedward?"

"Yeah like Jedward."

"You know jedward right?" Keith starts. "You can tell us if they're still virgins right?" We all start laughing again as a picture of who I guess is Jedward comes up on the screen, two twin boys with upright hair… goodness how much product do they use in that?!

"I don't know Keith." Louis says.

"But you do though don't you." Keith replies making everyone laugh some more.

"I don't know I don't know they wouldn't tell me and I wouldn't really want to know!" Louis says through his own guffaw.

"They are virgins, I heard they're saving it for Britney Spears."

"Yeah well that's possible they're huge fans of Britney."

"Have they met Britney?" Keith asks.

"Not yet." Louis replies. "But they're hopeful."

"Yeah… after they meet Britney they won't be virgins no more will they." Keith says while everyone laughs some more, I think most of this show is taken up by us laughing. "Ok now we're going to play Lemonhead!" Keith announces and we all seem to take a moment to adjust ourselves in our chairs. "Ok so each team will see a graphic of my face which is cut into sectors or as the American's say Sectors and I'll ask each team a question relating to this week's news first up it's Holly's team?" We all give a slight nod as Holly glances at the iPad on the desk where I guess we can see the same screen as the audience. "Stop the light when you're ready."

Holly knocks the buzzer and the light stops on Keith's chin on the animation.

"Tweet!" He yells and then from under the desk he pulls out a plastic horse. "Cheryl Cole tweeted this earlier in the week "I'm forever strong soldier's but this is shite." What was the news story it was referring to?"

As it happens being in Britain I have been reading the papers and I know that it's something to do with her ex-husband or something.

"Oh didn't Ashley Cole admit to cheating on Cheryl with twice as many women as first claimed?"

"Yeah this goes with the news headline that said Ashley Cole shagged more women than was admitted in the paper, he claims that during his marriage to Cheryl he banged more than one hundred women."

"He's lying!" Rufus yells quickly. "There is no way that in his entire marriage to Cheryl he banged that many birds because I guarantee you that most of the birds he claims to have shagged would actually prefer to shag Cheryl."

"What like do scissors with her or something?" Keith asks as we all laugh, Rufus is funny!

After a second add break I'm starting to get tired, this show is funny and up-beat and I am enjoying all the sex jokes and the potato thing but I think not knowing the celebs and stuff they talk about has me at a bit of a disadvantage, like there are some American stars and ones who have made it in America that I do know, I listen to the radio I read the papers but I've never heard of some of the names they talk about!

"Ok now we're going to play Karmana if Ana you'd like to come over to the bedroom with me and we'll play." Keith says. During the break a fake tiny bedroom was set up in the studio even though they call it an add break because it's pre recorded it's a little longer and we've had a chance to stretch our legs and have a drink some.

I make my way over with Keith and he signals for me sit on the edge of the bed before he turns back to the teams.

"Ok teams Ana and me we're going to recreate some of the positions from the Karma Sutra all you have to do is guess the name of the position and your team gets a point, Holly's team goes first."

I know I've turned scarlet but there's nothing I can do to stop it, I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed up for this show but I am expecting a thermonuclear fifty when he finds out about this.

"Ok so Ana this one first."

Goodness we cannot stop laughing getting into position especially with him pretending to strip and fondle my breasts. Eventually though we make it and the team get it right with Doggy style. The next one basic missionary and then reverse cowgirl and then the last one is ridiculously hard with me having to have my legs on Keith's shoulders while trying not to show the world my panties and he fondles my behind. I slip and we both end up on the floor in hysterical laughter while Rufus shouts the name of the position over and over again and then it turns out he's wrong.

Thankfully we make it back to our seats and play the buzzer round. I have no idea but I get a good laugh at everyone else's answers.

"And the scores at the end of that round are… Sha-ting!"

After one last question round it's nearly over. A show that airs for an hour has taken nearly five to record, I'm exhausted but it's been good fun!

"And the winners are…. Holly's team!" We cheer happily though I have no idea how the scores work, we couldn't even see them through the show which is really strange!

"If I don't see ya for a week I'll see ya through a window!" Keith announces before he knocks the button on his desk and my song comes on! "Let's dance!" He announces already grabbing me to get up.

I follow him around the desk with everyone else and the audience claps while we dance stupidly along to the music before holding around each other and waving until they announces it's over.

Thank heavens for that! I thought it was never going to end. I thank Keith for the invite and say goodbye to everyone quite quickly feeling drained and just needing to sleep now and with the Marathon tomorrow it's going to be an early night.

I decide not to tell Christian what the show involved, he can watch it to find out I can just tell him the truth it was dirty as he expected but a lot of fun and I would definitely do it again. Keith Lemon is like that with everyone and so I'm not at all offended by him grabbing my ass or pretending to fondle my boobs and fuck me, it was funny as hell and by Mia and Hannah's reply from their point of view I know they enjoyed it too and thought it was as funny as I did.


	23. Chapter 23

**Sunday 21st April 2013**

It's marathon day. I roll out of bed with a mixture of excitement and trepidation at the ridiculous time of four thirty am to get ready. After a shower I find Christian has woken too and it sitting up in bed on his phone.

"Morning baby you ready for this?" He asks with a grin as his eyes roam over my towel clad body.

"Yup." I grin popping my p. "I have trained too long and too hard to fall now."

"I know baby you're going to be brilliant."

"I'm glad you have so much faith in me Mr Grey." I smirk before going into the closet, I wonder what his reaction will be when he sees my costume.

Once in my underwear I go down to Hannah and Luke's room in the staff quarters and with Hannah kick him out of the room with a smirk. We decided not to tell anyone what we were wearing, most probably think that we're just wearing running clothes.

"Here you go." Hannah says passing me mine. "I just hope mine still fits I mean I'm starting to show."

"I'm sure it will." I reply with a smile.

We have to help each other into our costumes, mine and hers matching except for the colour, mine's white and pink and hers black and pink. The outfits do look funny with our running trainers and they're not the most comfortable costume ever but I'm glad Hannah and I are revealing them to our partners in front of everyone else because I know for a fact in private Christian is going to tell me that he's not letting me out in public wearing this.

Lastly Hannah pins the flag to the back of my costume and me doing the same to her. It's white the flag with our names big on the top and the charity logo beneath it. We had these made specifically for today, when we run the wind we create will cause the flags to fly behind us. Of course we get out our marathon packages that Hannah's been keeping a hold of and pin our numbers to us. A lot of the costume has disappeared under the numbers.

"Here's the jelly." Hannah says putting it in the bag we have with everything we need for before and after the run.

"Ok let's do this." I say pulling my robe back on and grabbing the bag which will stay with Christian and Luke.

We take the elevator down and walk into the kitchen where everyone is sitting waiting for us. I put the bag down on the counter and grab my robe, Hannah doing the same.

"One." I say quietly and she smiles.

"Two." She continues and I nod before we both go. "Three."

We open our robes and drop them straight to the floor. Mia whoops. Gail cheers and claps her hands along with Taylor, Luke looks up and down at Hannah with a smile that says "Fuck that's my wife." And Christian looks like I punched him.

I am standing there in white stockings that are attached to the tiny hot-pants part of the full white all in one suit. There are pink ruffles on the legs and two pink ribbons and silk pink straps, and a small cut out v in the neck. I have a pink tail and out of the bag Hannah pulls the ears for our costumes, her is a duplicate of mine in black and hot pink, her stockings black whereas mine are white.

"Well?" I ask Christian quietly, he swallows hard and looks at me hungrily.

"You're in so much fucking trouble later." He says before breaking out in a huge salacious smile.

"I know." I grin back.

Lola joins us in her running gear, she's running along with the elite athletes even though she's not expecting to win she got a space and she's planning to run it.

After our breakfast it's time to go and we all pile into the limos. Lola, Hannah and I in a separate one to everyone else who are going to wait as close to the finish line as they can. Christian had a wild idea to be at one place, jump in the car and then go to another place but I put a stop on that.

Thankfully Hannah and I are actually glues into our costume, double sided tape holding the silk cloth up even though there's stiff wires creating the corset of it.

It's madness when we arrive and Lola thankfully who has ran it before gets us registered and in place to prepare, there's a mass warm up going on with everyone in some of the most stupid costumes ever, I wonder how some of them are going to run!

As we warm up along to cheesy music with everyone else Hannah and I get the petroleum jelly all over out upper legs, everywhere on our skin that's on show, it's apparently to stop chaffing so it goes under our arms and across down to our elbows. The jelly getting on the clothes making it all icky but it makes little difference as it will be covered in sweat in a couple of miles.

We're guided to the starting post by people holding huge signs with 'runners' on it, I guess behind us are the walkers. It's almost nerve wracking but it's so exciting, I can't wait to start.

On the claxon the front runners start. It takes a while but eventually we get to the front line and knock our watches to begin running.

I knock my iPod on in one ear so I can still hear Hannah if she needs to say something but it's just nice to be able to run beside one of my closest friends, every now and again our eyes meet and she smiles at me.

The first mile passes quickly and the second and third too by the forth I can start to really feel the effects and by the fifth there's a nice burn in my calves.

I can see Hannah begin to slow and I slow just a little with her, not much to really feel it but she'd slowed enough that after twenty odd steps there was a good meter between us. She gives me another smile and I know she'd prefer me to go without her but I'm determined to run this with her and by her side. We trained for this together and her pregnancy and my surgery has increased our time goal but that doesn't matter, just what does matter is that we complete it and all that money goes to the charity. I know that at the end there will be that euphoria from having completed it.

By the tenth mile the crowd is starting to thin, there's only a small group of people around us now and no one too close for comfort as in the beginning. Most of the people around us are also in running clothes so I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable in the bunny boiler outfit.

We run close to the edge and pick up some more water, the dryness that has collected in my throat making breathing difficult but what I don't expect is to be tugged to the side and end up under a camera.

"Hello Ana Grey how's the race going?" The presenter as I'm tucked under the arm of a strawberry blonde lady I have never met.

"I'm … ahead… of … the time … I thought … I would be…" I say struggling to catch my breath.

"That's fantastic. Enjoy the rest of your run."

The strawberry blonde girl pulls me back to the track and from a pack on her front she tugs out two energy bars.

"You and your friend, eat these, believe me they help especially on that last couple of miles." She says as we do a fast walk forward.

"Thank you very much."

"You have a good one Ana I'll see you at the end." She smiles before breaking out in a run.

I scan the crowd in front of me and spot Hannah walking fast and break out into a run to catch up with her. She grins wide at me and I pass her one of the bars.

"Do you know who that was?" She asks.

"Who?"

"The woman who gave you these?"

"No should I?" I ask spotting her just a few steps in front of me.

"Ana that's Princess Beatrice of York, a real princess!"

"Oh…" I'm shocked as I bite into the energy bar chewing to the beat of my speed walk. I just met one of the British Royal Family and I had no clue… now that's a story for the dinner parties! What's even funnier is she knew me! She knew my name! What the hell?!

"She knew my name." I tell Hannah as we finish our energy bars and sip the rest of our water.

"The Princess?" She is as shocked as me, her eyes wide in surprise as I nod. "Wow, you might be even more famous than you think!"

"She said she'd see me at the finish."

"Maybe she'll come have a picture with you." Hannah giggles. "Come on we should be able to finish this in a run." She says taking hold of my hand.

For the next mile we run hand in hand, opposite leg to opposite arm to each other to keep it comfortable. I smile as we run over tower bridge, the wind from the water hitting us is actually very nice and cooling just before hitting mile Thirteen where we realise we're almost half way through and well ahead of our time at two hours and fifteen minutes. We get a glimpse of the elite women running past and when we see Lola running at a good speed. Hannah and I both cheer for her using energy we really should save as she waves tiredly at us.

After mile fourteen where we grab out lovely Lucozade sport carbo gel we're both clearly exhausted. Sweat pours off every inch of our body, our breathing is harsh and I can feel myself getting light headed and not so with it anymore. Hannah looks at me and I give a small nod and we fall back into a slower jog. It doesn't matter, even with two miles of a walk we're still well ahead of what we thought we would be at this point. Here is where we both stop counting how many miles we've done and count how many we have left to do. It's strange how the mind works, it's like hit fourteen and it's twelve to go rather than let's get to fifteen.

Our slower jog allows us to bring everything down, our breathing normalises a little again, the ache in our legs is more of a dull throb and we finally make it to mile fifteen and are handed a bottle of Lucozade Sport just like on mile ten and mile five.

On mile fifteen towards mile fifteen as Lola warned the pulse and oxygen monitors Hannah and I are wearing begin to play around, they'll normalise soon but it's because we're now surrounded by amazing tall sky scrapers, not as amazing as Seattle but in London they're spectacular and it actually stops me from feeling home sick in any way!

Hitting mile sixteen as Lola told us we speed up just a tiny bit as does everyone around us. It's all about the serious runners now, those who want to finish in the best time have been saving themselves to but their foot down from here on out and we've done it just as planned.

It's almost depressing when the crowd thins out on the miles. There's almost no one on mile seventeen and I start using the tips Lola gave me to keep myself motivated, think of Mom, think of her Charity, Mom would be so amazed to see her daughter now, the one who never engaged in any sport because of her gangly limbs hitting nearly eighteen miles on a Marathon.

Hitting mile eighteen is amazing! The crowd is alive cheering, giving me the push that I need to continue and I know Hannah feels it too as she keeps in time to me completely, her foot hitting the floor at the exact same time as me. Of course we both end up diving out of the way of the man in front of us who came to a complete stop, can't these people move to the side to stop so that us runners don't end up running straight into the back of them?

The water along the route is perfect. It's cold to throw on the face and soothing to the throat and it's perfectly acceptable to throw the paper cup onto the floor when done with it as there's people along the route to scoop them into a dustbin bag. They're so efficient, I know the marathon has been going on for years but they've really organised everything perfectly I have no complaints about how things were done!

Mile nineteen is crazy with people. After grabbing a lucozade it's time to start navigating the turns of the road near Canary Warf. This is where you get to see some of the beauty of the city and a part of me is slightly disappointed that I can't stop to admire the view!

Hitting mile twenty and I feel crazy high, this is where I believe I can really make it to the end. Hannah glances at me and smiles weakly, sweat pouring down her face and I know that I'm in better state, I can't wait to make it to the end! Only six miles to go!

The crowd thicken at mile twenty one and it's a real spur to the end. They cheer loudly I even hear my name called a few times by voices I don't recognise and I flash a wave to the passing crowed just in case they're genuine fans! The last hurdle almost is pure agony. Both Hannah and I are jogging at a good pace but I know she feels like me, legs like lead, sand in the lungs, and sandpaper in the throat. It's almost a nightmare but at the same time I know she's feeling the adrenaline like me.

There's less water stops here and I think both Hannah and I are glad we did like Lola advised and took advantage of all the water and saved the lucozade for desperation. Spotting Tower Bridge again at mile twenty two it's nice because it's truly a view knowing you've almost finished. Of course Hannah and I both studied the route, we knew amazing places we'd pass and amazing things we'd see.

Hitting mile twenty three we so many people struggling. There are men and women at the edge of the circuit being sick, people fainting and being dragged away wrapped up like turkeys. It's unreal. I guess these are the people who overexerted themselves, who didn't train properly. I hope I make it to the end and don't turn out like that! There's another Lucozade stand just before hitting mile twenty four and Hannah and I give each other a look that only screams "thank God!" we down what's left of our bottled Lucozade and grab another along with some jello stuff that's supposed to give us that boost to get to the end.

Hitting mile twenty five and it's totally a shock to the system. Seeing the London eye in the distance and passing big ben is just amazing and I am smiling some as I push myself to finish the little over a two miles there is.

"Ana! Hannah! Ana! Hannah!" Our names are being yelled and we can only just hear them over the wild crowd but we both look and see our husbands and my baby girl and the entire gang waving wildly, Mia waving a homemade painted banner with our names on it. Hannah and my eyes meet and we know that was all the encouragement we needed to push to the end.

With Buckingham palace just up ahead I know we've almost made it. The tears sting at my eyes blurring my vision, a turbulent set of emotions run through my veins and I feel Hannah's hand grasp mine. Naturally we fall in sync with each other once more, our feet pounding the pavement my right to her left allowing are arms to swing natural even though our hands are connected.

Turning around the roundabout and seeing that finish line and I'm sobbing. I can't believe we've done it. Something sparks in Hannah and me and for the last point two of a mile we run faster finding that last bit of energy that we needed to near sprint the finish.

We cross the line with our hands in the air and quickly we stop our watches before embracing tight. We're of course quickly ushered out of the way and given our packs with our own turkey foil like blankets, Lucozade and medals.

Hannah and I wrap ourselves up in the blankets and pull on our medals. Tears still stream down our face as Lola comes over still dripping in sweat.

"Well?" She asks far more composed than Hannah and I and we know she finished a couple of hours ago. I look at my watch and smile widely.

"Five hours and fifty three minutes. We did it…" Each word comes after a sharp inhale.

Lola hugs us both tight and then shows us off to where celebrity competetors are supposed to go for their photographs. I'm of course recognised and I flash the pass Lola handed me before dragging Hannah with me.

The press are like vultures and Hannah and I remove our turkey wrap to pose, removing our medals and holding them in our hands. I'm shocked when another arm goes around my shoulders and I look to find Princess Beatrice with her own medal and a brilliant smile on her face. She gives me a sneaky wink before I switch medal arms and hold around her sweaty waist for the photographs.

Once done we're ushered away to the side where we can meet our family when they reach us and I look at Beatrice who's talking with her friend quickly before she turns to me.

"You finished." She smiles.

"I didn't think I would." I admit and she chuckles.

"I thought the same even though this isn't my first. How was your time?"

"Five hours and fifty three."

"That's impressive! Your first?"

"Yeah."

"That's amazing. Well I'll see you both again." She says giving Hannah a nod.

"Bye." We both say but she's already hurried off.

"You just had a conversation with a princess."

"I don't think it's that big of a deal." I say rolling my eyes, if she was that big of a deal wouldn't she be already off around a huge group of security or something?

"Ana she posed for a picture with you! That's totally going to make the papers tomorrow."

"You think?"

"I know! I know your career Ana I know your life better than you sometimes." She chuckles as people from the red cross wrap us up again and warn us to cool down properly and keep in the blankets for a while.

We luckily don't wait for long for the gang to arrive us and as I scoop India up in the air and hug her tight I'm tapped on the shoulder and asked to take my husband and daughter back to the press pit for more pictures.

It's a long process, I just am exhausted and feel like I'm going to faint. I need a freezing bath, a massage, a cool down and some food, desperately but the press are eating all this up!

Thankfully though another celeb finishes the race and I'm dismissed by the event organisers, I can now head for home.

Christian enjoys listening to Hannah tell him about my meet and greet with Princess Beatrice and he's shocked when he realises I didn't know who she was. Hannah makes a crack about me talking to her as if she was a regular person even after I knew who she was. Who cares?! We were both dripping in sweat and what was I supposed to call her? Ma'am? Your Highness? I wasn't going to make a fool out of myself so I was happy to just treat her like an average Joe and hey! At least I have something to talk about tomorrow on Alan Carr right?


	24. Chapter 24

**Monday 22nd April 2013**

I am hurting all over, every inch of my body is on fire. I feel Christian move beside me as he wakes and the slight jostle has me groaning.

"Baby you ok?" He asks moving again.

"I would be if you stayed still." I groan making him a chuckle.

"I'll run you a warm bath, the Masseuse will be here at ten to see you." He says climbing out of bed.

I don't move until he comes back saying my bath is drawn and each slight movement is pure agony. Eventually though I make it to the bathroom and Christian tugs my silk gown over my head and helps me into the bath.

As soon as I'm completely in I groan appreciatively.

"Good baby?"

"Uh-huh." He chuckles at my reply.

"I'll get India up and sort breakfast, you relax ok."

"Hmm." Is all I can reply.

I soak for a good half hour before I'm able to get up much to my muscles protest. They don't hurt quite as much now but there's still a strong ache all over with every movement.

Back in the bedroom I find painkillers and a glass of orange both of which I enjoy immediately hoping that the orange will wake me and the pills will help me move more. I have so much to do today with being on Alan Carr tonight.

The day completely passes in a blur with Hannah, Lola and I all in agony and everyone laughing at our pain I am thankful when it comes time to leave to go to Alan Carr. Christian's been working all day and I've been with our family and I only just get to say hello before I'm out the door with Mia and Hannah.

Preparations are fast and before I even feel like I've taken a breath my name is called and I stand quickly hurrying around to the top of the stairs adjusting my little pink strapless bandage dress.

"But my first guest ladies and gentlemen is Seattle's Sweetheart, London marathon runner, business woman, singer, writer, it's the extraordinary Ana!"

I blow out a breath before taking the first two steps, a bright smile on my face as I wave quickly to the audience and take another step. I feel myself go but I can't stop myself as my ankle twists. Alan Carr jumps up two steps to my side and helps me upright while I laugh like a hyena.

"I should charge you air miles!" He says loudly as he helps me down the final few steps.

"It's usually not that easy to see my panties!" I say chuckling and red with embarrassment! Only old Ana Steele would fall down the stairs on a TV show that pulls in one point five billion viewers on average.

"Hold onto me my love so you don't fall making your way to the couch." He says holding my arm beneath his and my hand tight in his own until we make it to the couch.

A few members of the audience are screeching and I love it, I'm shocked that people in London know who I am in all honesty, I thought that I would still be an unfamiliar face with people going "is this woman a celebrity? Oh from USA?" but it seems like I have a serious England fan base.

"Oh what a welcome!" I say as I sit down the blush on my cheeks having disappeared from my low flying trip.

"You have some fans in the audience unless your husband screams like a girl!" Alan laughs as he takes his own twirling seat, visibly comfortable in his own surroundings here unlike me who feels so out of place.

"Oh no that's not Christian!" I laugh, I've heard him come and he definitely doesn't sound like a girl and on top of that of course he isn't here!

"Right sweetheart what would you like to drink?" Alan says opening some globe looking thing to reveal glasses in ice and a few bottles.

"Oh uh…"

"We've got some oh blackcurrant sourz?"

"Never had it."

"I've been trying to get rid of this for ages hold on." He says pulling a glass out and placing it on the table, it makes me laugh as this is the second chat show I've been on where they serve alcohol to the guests.

"Do they do this on all the British chat shows? Give the guests alcohol all we have in the states is water."

"You've been on another chat show that gives out free booze?" Alan asks in mock horror

"Graham Norton."

"Oh yeah… Here you are my love." He says not impressed with my admitting of going on the other show.

"Mmh nice, I should ask for one of these the next time I'm on Ellen." I joke making Alan and the audience laugh, this is good, laughing is good!

"Now then, you are a MILF aren't you?"

"A MILF?"

"Yeah you know what a MILF is!" He says hitting my leg with his hand excitedly.

"Yes but I'd never call myself one!" I retort laughing and trying not to spill this purple sour drink all over myself.

"But you are a MILF I can guarantee you there's a bunch of men in the audience who would agree right?" Cheers fill the audience and I blush crimson, Christian cannot be happy with that name or the cheers for me as a sexy woman and I know he's watching this at home as this is a live broadcast.

"Well I'll say thank you very much." I say looking away to hide the pink in my cheeks

"Is it true that your child India her name is right? Yeah India, is one of the most spoilt children in the states?" Alan asks making me laugh.

"No."

"No?"

"No she's not spoilt and when she's a little older we're looking forward to making her understand that everything she gets has to be earned she can't just ask for it and get it. Christian, my husband, he didn't grow up like that and I definitely didn't grow up like that so India won't either."

"That's good but she does where clothes that cost more than most people's cars right? I mean it is true that India has a dress that cost three thousand dollars?"

"Yes she has a couple of pieces of clothing that are ridiculously expensive but the dress I'm thinking about that's expensive is one her Aunt Mia bought her, she's more spoiled from other people than she is Christian or I." I explain, I hope this is the end of people asking about India's wealth, she's a child who yes has been born into a family which happen to have a little more money than most.

"Ok so we have to talk about the International Book awards."

"Ok." I smile at the comfortable topic, books and the awards I can do.

"Congratulations on winning three IBA's not one but three." Whoops echo from the audience make me grin and look out before turning back to Alan.

"Thank you so much." I smile brightly, I must admit I'm very proud of those awards.

"What was the whole bother about one of your dresses?" He asks looking very intrigued.

"Ah the second Jovani number that I wore to present an award with my husband."

"This one?" Beside him a screen shows a picture of me and Christian presenting at the IBA's just like on Graham Norton.

"That's the one."

"Oh I think you look gorgeous!" Alan says flapping his hand across all camp, I love him!

"Thank you. I get it though, the dress is older and more sophisticated to any other dress I've ever worn in public before. I could pass for much older I guess."

"Yeah but you look like a lady!"

"Thank you very much."

"And look at you tonight! You don't look old tonight you've got legs up to your bloody arm pits come on stand up, give us your drink, now give us a twirl!" I do as he says giving him my drink and standing up I give an awkward turn before sitting down again as the audience cheers.

"You know this is a Herve Leger bandage dress and it's only one of many I own, I am in L.O.V.E with this design!" I say knowing that I own a lot of them thanks to Mia helping me in finding more of them, just falling in love with one I knew I had to have more.

"It's very popular with the younger female generation is this style, I think it's because it hugs the body and shows off everything properly." Alan says as if he really knows what he's talking about but I have to agree with him, the dresses curve the chest showing off the shape of the hips and breasts, ok this one has a fuller skirt to some of the others I own.

"Yeah I agree." I chuckle knowing that Christian isn't particularly happy with my dress choice for tonight due it's shortness and lack of neckline and straps, according to him it's not a dress it's a piece of fabric.

"But being fair other than this IBA dress you haven't really had any fashion mishaps yet have you?"

"No thankfully but that may be something to do with whenever I do a public appearance all my clothing are picked out by someone else and I just get the final say." I explain.

"I thought then you were going to say you never choose your own clothes I mean we know you have a house full of staff at your beck and call but that would be beyond!" I laugh along with the audience, I am so happy to be here and have relaxed considerably now to when I first sat down, happy to sip at the blackcurrant sourz that I think should go with tonic water or soda of some kind and not be drank straight up.

"Ok now we have to talk about the Marathon."

"Oh yes."

"How long did it take you to do?"

"Five hours and Fifty six minutes." I say to whoops from the audience. "Thank you."

"That's impressive."

"Thanks." I smile, I am pretty proud of that time.

"Because it was what two weeks no three weeks ago you had your appendix out right?"

"Yeah three weeks ago."

"And you ran the London Marathon in less than six hours! That's just amazing. How did having your appendix out affect your run?"

"Well I didn't run it all as I had wanted to. My goal was originally four hours and forty five minutes but the appendix removal stopped that so what I did was I ran the first nine or ten miles and then walked for two or three before running the finish."

"But you stopped along the way for a chat didn't you?"

"I was dragged in front of a camera by some presenter or other." I retort to more laughter.

"Yeah and you interviewed beside Princess Beatrice."

"Yeah and the funny thing is I had no idea she was a princess or famous at all for that matter she kind of put her arm around my shoulders as we were talking and then we walked the next mile or so together until I found my friend and PA Hannah and she waved us off it was unbelievable but she knew who I was! That was like incredible she goes and gives me two energy bars from her little pack she was wearing and told me both Hannah and I could use them. No idea that she was a Princess until my PA asked me if I knew who it was. I'm there 'no is she a celebrity?' and Hannah's like "OMG Ana she's Princess Beatrice!" As if I'm supposed to be clued in on the royal family or something." The audience love my story especially when I put on a faux posh British Accent that probably sounds ridiculous as an imitation of one of their Princess. "Then at the end of the marathon she came over for some pictures with me and Hannah and we talked for a moment."

"So you had Princess sweat all over you!"

"Ewww! But yeah." I say laughing.

"So did you enjoy doing the Marathon?"

"Oh I love every minute of it, I am hurting all over today this morning I was so stiff I couldn't move until I'd had a steaming hot bath and a massage but it was worth every second, all the training and the highs and lows it was spectacular the moment I crossed that line at the end I was just ecstatic and I knew it was worth it."

"And this has all been a practise for your New York Marathon in November right?"

"Yeah this was a practise really before the New York run which I'm hoping to do in under four hours."

"Under four hours isn't that like what the elite runners run it in?"

"Oh no they do it in like just over two hours or something like that. I'm looking at over three hours and forty five minutes but less than four hours. That's the aim."

"Would you consider running with the elite athletes?"

"My trainer actually recommended that I do that so I could have a clearer track but I'm doing it for charity so it's a bit of a red tape issue." I reply.

"Of course you ran for Carla's Cancer trust right?"

"Yeah."

"Which is your charity?"

"Uh-huh I set it up in memory of my Mother Carla who passed away over a year ago now. We support the families of cancer patients, giving them grief counselling before the patient has even died while treatment is on-going because that's when the grieving starts especially if it's known that the patient is terminal we also work closely with Make a wish foundation and instead of giving wishes we send the families to relive a family memory. My Mom when she was sick kind of did that with me I woke up one morning and I was pregnant with India and she took me swimming with my Mother-in-law then we went into the park and went on swings and looked at the sky pretending we were flying just as I did when I was a little girl and then when we got home Mom made a fort in the living room and she read Withering Heights until me, Mom and my Mother-in-law fell asleep! And it's probably the best 'when Mom was sick' memory that I have and I want other people to have that." Alan aww's while the audience cheer and clap and I smile, it's nice to share information about Carla's Cancer Trust, it's truly something so special that belongs to me that I get to share with other people and I love that I truly do love being able to use my Mom's memory to help other people through the suffering that I did.

"Ok now let's talk about why you're really here."

"Oh no." I say as he digs down the side of his chair and pulls up my single making me hide my face behind my hands.

"This is your first single and it's called Cinderella. Now I have to ask something, on this it just says Ana which is your first name, your books and your businesses go by Ana Grey except for your children's books that go by Anastasia Rose, what the hell?"

"I know right it's like I have multiple personality disorder or something right?" I say earning laughs from the audience. "The Ana Grey and Anastasia Rose thing comes from the fact that my Ana Grey books are for an adult audience and the Anastasia Rose books are for a children's audience having two different names on the cover dissociate them from one another some but Ana… in all honesty I have no idea who decided that I just realised since the CD's come out more and more people refer to me as just Ana especially on TV I'm just Ana no Grey no Rose just Ana."

"How do you keep up with them all? I'd be so confused one minute I'm Ana then Grey then Rose… you're right multiple personality disorder a definite possibility!"

"I have a clip of the video here but I'm only showing a small clip because you're going to be singing for us after aren't you?"

"Ah yes as long as my voice works and I don't break my leg on any stairs."

"Ok take a look."

The screen behind him shows a small piece of the video, just the chorus which flicks from me sitting in a chair in a black room covered with red candles to me running barefoot through the woods to me rocking out with a lighting up in different colours background back to me in a seat. I love how the video has been put together in the end but it's still weird watching myself on screen singing."

"Oh I just love it so tell us about the song because there are a lot of misconceptions."

"Oh God yeah the explanations people have given me about the song is unreal, it is genuinely about a girl me in this case wanting to find a man who will see me as an equal partner, it's about being an independent woman completely."

"But you have a lovely man."

"Yes I do but in the song I don't." I say laughing.

"Ok so I have some of the so called explanations here." He says picking up a logoed card. "Ready?"

"Go on." I say sipping my drink again and cringing.

"Ok so one of the explanations say that the song is about being a dominatrix and it links in with your books fifty shades. Another one says it's about you Ana trying to point out you're not a gold digger and that you've made your own way in the world through your books saying you're not a pampered princess you're not like a damsel in distress who needs to be saved because you save yourself and the last one is about how you like to be on top in bed."

I laugh hard at the explanations, especially the last one, it's so surreal sometimes.

"None of those are true the only explanation is that it's about being independent and equal to men. Not superior or on top in bed!" I say laughing.

"Ana's single Cinderella is available to buy or download now. We're going to take a break now and we'll here the magnificent Ana later on in the show we'll be back for part two in a few minutes."

Once we're out I hug Alan before making my way backstage to change. I don't have time to watch the rest of the show getting back into hair and makeup to be transported from the cute girl that was on stage to the fierce chick that I am in the song. My hair is backcombed and pulled into a ponytail, my makeup is darkened so that my eyes stand out and pop as the artist puts it. Dark blush fills my pale cheeks, my foundation much lighter to give more of an affect.

Once done I'm helped out of my skin tight dress into paint splash print skinny jeans, pink v-neck silk blouse and cropped black and grey tweed jacket. I stand in the mirror and try and put my mind in performance mode, that place where I went on Graham Norton where I lost all sense of myself and became a real performer. I must have watched the footage of me singing on that show a dozen times or more and I see a real singer, a real artist on that stage not little old me. But for the life of me I can't remember doing it, I can't remember feeling anything except a buzz until I had bowed and Graham was announcing the end of his show! It's crazy, it's like I was high on some drug or other when I fact I wasn't, all I'd had was a couple of sips of wine before I performed and a mouthful of water to wet my tongue.

"Ana if you want to make your way to the stage you're on in two."

I give a small nod at the lady and then at myself in the mirror before making sure my white wedges are buckled up. I make my way onto the stage just as Alan finishes chatting to his last guest. I know some of the audience are distracted by me as I make my way to the pink glitzed microphone and I take the ear piece that is attached to a box on my back and slip it in, deafening me in one ear for the moment.

I hear the announcement for my song and I smile as the band begins to play, I wish for my mind to go to that place again. My hands both go to the microphone and wrap tight around it before I automatically pull it towards me some just in time to start singing.

Well my voice works that's good but I'm shaking. My hands are vibrating around the microphone and I'm sure my legs are knocking my knees together.

The bridge comes and I bend down a little, naturally performing but not quite in that place I was on Graham Norton.

When I slip the microphone from the stand my eyes find the camera and I sing and flash a wink into it, my mind lifting, my confidence growing with the claps from the audience. I start to strut around the small performance space praying I don't fall!

My sweating hands are struggling to grip the large microphone in my hand as I go through the second verse and I make it to the stand in time to grip it for the high note at the end.

That's when my mind goes. I hear myself hit it and feel myself bending down to help hit it but then going back into the chorus my mind is in a place of its own, controlling my voice, my body and I know I'm performing. The audience are on their feet dancing and clapping as are the guests by the couch with Alan and I really am lost in song.

The microphone goes back into the stand for the bridge and the clapping kind of dies awkwardly as it doesn't fit this bit and it makes me smile. I love this part of the song it's so soft and gentle and I get to lift my hands and look like I'm in a dream. It's great!

I pump my fist in the air twice with the drum beat before the long note again before the chorus. Automatically I sing the higher overlay over the two backing singers who I have never met who have had to learn the harmonise my song without me, it's quite funny.

When I finish I let out a breath of relief and tug the ear piece out so I can enjoy the applause. I bow over to Alan who closes the show up and once it's done I really can breathe easier.

Hannah and Mia both come down from the audience to meet me and Mia excitedly goes to meet the other celebrities allowing me to hug Hannah as the adrenaline begins to wear off slowly, that buzz disappearing slowly.

"You were amazing." She whispers making me smile.

"I always am to you."

"Oh I know I'm biased Ana but you really were, better than Friday night for sure. You're a natural up there do you know that?"

"No." I reply laughing.

"You need to start believing in yourself. The audience loved you."

"Thanks." I smile ending her tirade before it goes on and on, I don't think I'll ever have enough faith in myself to please my family and friends.

Thankfully we're out of there faster than we were with Graham Norton with the staff efficient in getting the audience out. Of course we do the waving as we get into the SUV but there are no pictures and not many autographs signed.

Getting home and my night hits an all-time high. Christian meets me with a glass of champagne and then he takes me hand into the living room where there's a big number three up on the wall and my music video playing on the screen. I turn to look at him questioningly, he smiles widely and kisses me softly, melting my insides.

"Your little fall was cute."

"That's not funny Christian." I say giggling, it was pretty funny.

"Oh ok my sorry." He teases. "Now do you get this yet?" He signals at the big three and the music video playing and I shake my head. "You didn't just get into the top ten Ana…"

"Number 3?" I ask my voice squeaking.

"Yeah you made it in at number three baby."

I let him slip the champagne out of my hand and I take him over to the couch ready to have a some us time with our husband.


	25. Chapter 25

**Thursday 25th April 2013**

I'm quite excited as the limo pulls up outside the studio, my earlier nerves having disappeared for the time being thanks to the ever enthusiastic Mia. She's been just great this week with taking me shopping yesterday and just being an amazing bundle of energy as always.

It's been a good week, shopping yesterday was fun even when we got mobbed in the house of Frazer. It was just me, Mia, India and Oreon and India was screaming because she was terrified but Oreon handled it well and thankfully the store security helped us out and the management came down to clear a parts of the store for us as we shopped.

It was wild with the security holding back fans who were snapping photos of us while we shopped and the entire security team from the store escorted us back to the car and I slipped one of them two fifty pound notes and told him to make sure they all got a drink. He tried to refuse! I've never had that in the states before but I think the look I gave him was enough to silence him.

Christian went crazy when he got back. He had seen the photos of the mas security and he wanted to know where the hell Luke was who I had told to stay with Hannah who wasn't feeling so great. It could have turned out worse for me I mean the most that happened is I got spanked and it followed some amazing sex so I have nothing to complain about, everyone was fine but as always My darling Fifty was over reacting.

We step out and are rushed inside by one of the producers who are trying to stop us from getting hounded by the fans outside the gate now chanting my name. It's one of those surreal am I dreaming moments for me. I still can't believe that this is the way my life has gone. It was two years ago I was still in college just a normal girl and now I'm a singer with a varying fan base!

We're shown straight to my dressing room which is cute, it's has a gold star on it with my name on it that I have to remember to check if it comes off so that I can slip it into my bag on the way out tonight.

"Who's the PA?" The producer asks as Mia gets to work on hanging up the three outfits I'm still considering.

"That would be me." Hannah says accepting paper from the woman.

"We have to keep as close to this as possible so please make sure you keep to it." She says before giving me a smile and heading out.

"Ok Ana seems like the first thing you have to do is rehearse in ten minutes and that's for an hour before Simon Cowell would then like to meet you in his dressing room."

"What?" I ask shocked.

"Yup it's on the itinerary that after the rehearsal you need to go and meet with Simon in his dressing room. My guess is he wants to thank you for coming on last minute and welcome you and so on nothing to worry about. Then it's lunch then you get to watch the rehearsals of the talent acts for the next couple of hours, talk to them give them advice and so on, mainly sitting around and in bold it says the hairdresser will put rollers in your hair while you watch so it can settle, then you have a dinner break then it's a finally sound check and full run through rehearsal before dressing room to get ready with Hair and Makeup. How does that sound?" She asks just as Carrie comes in with India.

"Perfect because Momma has her baby girl with her!" I say excitedly, it's nice to have India here with me for a bit even though I have to work it's great to be able to spend some time with my Precious Princess. "Ready for a be at work with Momma day Indie?" I ask standing ready to head to the stage tottering a little on my stilettoes. She giggles happily as we meet a producer outside the door and head for the stage.

I gasp as we step out. Oh my goodness, this is my biggest audience to date I know it is.

"Hello Ana I'm LeRoy the chorographer."

"Hi nice to meet you." I say giving him an awkward air kiss as I struggle to hold India on my hip.

"You too now I've got a crew of dancers who are ready to go when you are. You're going to hear your name announced "It's Ana!" Then the music is gonna start. When that happens the doors there will part and you'll be stood at the top of a long staircase. Start to sing walking down and walk right to the middle. Do your thing naturally I hear one of your girls got some ideas."

"Uh yeah." I say thinking of Lola's wacky ideas making me nervous again.

"Ok we'll run it from the top, see how it goes let me get you hooked into an earpiece first."

Ten minutes or even less and I'm hooked to an earpiece and stood behind a massive set of sliding doors at the top of ten steps. Remembering my mishap on Alan Carr I'm dreading this but as the doors open to my music I just get lost in it and perform.

We run through it a few times but LeRoy is happy with it and so am I considering there's dancing in it for me in stilettos which leaves me to grab India and head to meet the mogul himself. I must admit I'm very nervous about the performance, Lola's ideas work but damn I could break my neck and that isn't a joke. I'm glad Christian isn't here for once as I'm sure he'd put a stop to her!

I knock nervously on the door using India almost as a shield.

"Come in." His voice is deep yet somehow welcoming and I nervously open the door and step inside finding Cowell alone. "Ah Ana good to finally meet you." He says as he stand.

Awkwardly he shakes my hand and air kisses me before smiling at India and rubbing her hair, she's not at all shy with him which is strange considering he's a total stranger.

"She's just adorable." He says and I can see he has a soft spot for kids. "Part of the act?"

"No just trying to spend as much time with her as I can even though I've got a hectic schedule." I reply with a smile.

"Take a seat and we'll talk." He says with an almost sly fox kind of smile on his face as he signals the long white leather couch.

I sink into it grateful to be off my feet with India and she happily plays with her doll from Great-grandma Grey allowing me some quiet to talk to Simon, just being in his presence unnerves me completely.

"I'm going to be straight forward with you and say I want to manage you."

My eyes almost fall out of their sockets in shock, out of everything that I imagined him saying that wasn't one of them.

"You're talented, you're good and it's obviously a natural talent you have there to I know there are very few if any vocal lessons and no one has taught you to be on stage but I saw you on Graham Norton and then again on Alan Carr and I was sold, I want you with SyCo."

"Wow that's amazing uh thank you." I reply scared to even look him in the eye.

"I hear a but."

"But…" I say chuckling. "Christian manages me, he has from day one and I'm signed with Grey Records."

"Yeah you are but have you signed any contract?"

"Yes but for one single only."

"The single is out Ana you're a free agent. Here, take a look at this and you can see what I'm offering you in terms of a contract." He says passing me an envelope. "You can look it at it now or later but I'm sure you'll like the numbers."

"Money isn't going to buy me Mr Cowell."

"Call me Simon and I know that." He smirks, arrogant son of a bitch.

"Well Simon, I'm not a singer, I've done the single like Christian wanted me to I'm doing the album just because but I haven't considered a music career."

"You write books, I'm sure you could write a good few songs Ana also there's the issue of the states vs Britain, how about if I managed your career this side of the pond only?"

"So you'd help me build a career as a singer here in the UK and Christian would manage me over in the States?"

"Yeah." He replies as if it's just that simple. "Or I manage your music career and Christian can continue managing everything else you do." He says and I scowl I can't be doing a lot of things I don't have the time or energy for it. I may own businesses but I don't run them anymore, Wendy manages all of that. There are a few more books in the animal hospital series to write but I just pass them on to Hope Hewitt who handles that and then the charity is my baby and I have a board that deals with all of that.

"This song was originally for another artist in my book, she wrote it and she's the one singing on the track but it doesn't work for her I think it will work for you. She agrees and so the song is yours if you want it, it will be your first single released under SyCo." He says handing me a CD in a blank case.

"What if I don't like the song?" I ask him simply, I really don't know what to say to him right now, I need to think.

"We'll discuss it but I'm sure you'll love it." He smiles like a Cheshire cat.

"You're very arrogant." I say blankly making him laugh.

"Oh and the outfits in your dressing room, none of them will do, I have something on the way for you wear it with the rockstud boots, you're about to really see what I could do to your career." I don't know whether to be angry about him being in my dressing room though I know he would have no reason to steal he was still snooping.

"And if I don't?" I ask him straight, I don't like him at all right at this moment.

"I'll take it you're not interested but the offer stands until you board the plane back to Seattle, once it's gone Ana it's gone be grateful I'm giving you time to think at all." He says as if I owe him a debt for this.

"You're very… domineering." I say finding that in some ways he reminds me of Christian especially when he flashes me his bright white smile.

"Ana this is only a snippet view of what I'd be like if you worked for me." He chuckles. "Oh and one last thing." He smirks and I realise I'm about to be dismissed. "When you see the outfit and think of the dance moves you've got for the song think … sexy."

"But the song isn't sexy."

"Oh it is if you've got the sex part thrown in your face. You're sexy and you have sex appeal and if you follow my advice tonight you're going to flaunt it and earn yourself a nice new male dominated fan base." I roll my eyes at the ridiculousness of all of this. "And don't roll your eyes at me." He growls and I chuckle, oh if only this man new what rolling my eyes would usually cost. "I'll see you out there tonight Mrs Grey." He says as a dismissal. I walk out without a goodbye.

I'm in shock as I meet Hannah outside my room and she gives me a concerned look but I smile and shake my head.

"Ok the contestants are calling to see you sing so LeRoy wants to do a run through with the pyro's now, you'll still get a second one tonight but you're wanted on stage before lunch."

"Ok let's go." I say as Hannah calls everyone from my dressing room.

I walk up onto the stage and the contestants and their families I guess cheer making me smile and wave as ear pieces are brought over and tucked in quickly. While Hannah takes India from me.

"Ok do it how you plan on doing it tonight, I know it's hard not in costume and stuff but show these guys what they can do and be paid for." LeRoy says as my gold gemmed mic is handed to me.

I nod and tuck in the ear piece before taking a mouthful of the water he's holding out to me.

I slip behind the double doors and I can't help but have Simon Cowell's words ringing in my ear.

"Think sexy. You can do that Ana just imagine the only person in the audience is Christian and you'll either look really stupid or give Cowell exactly what he wants." I give myself a pep talk just in time for the doors to open with the music.

Somehow I feel sexy as I strut down the steps one hand on my hip the other clinging to the microphone, there's an extra sway in my hips too. I feel sexy. My inner goddess is cheering me on as I sing and I feel incredible.

I hope sexy works to this song because even though I feel it I can't see it. I catch a glimpse of Hannah recording on her phone and I grin, that means I can watch it back.

Automatically I do the dance moves that LeRoy taught me along with the very sexy male dancers on the stage with me. Again, I feel more sexy doing them this time. I don't know if it's something I'm doing, the pep talk I gave myself or Simon's words are there.

Second verse and I remember the eye contact with the camera and I do it with some attitude, acting a little cockier than what I wold normally do. I walk from one end to the stage to the other and back to the middle. As the double drums with roll into a third happens I knock my fist just like LeRoy told me and I automatically do it and yet again there's that sexy edge to it.

I walk around the judges table pass where the audience would be to "Simon's side" where LeRoy is sitting pretending to be Simon to help me up onto the table.

I sing the bridge with passion like always and on the drum beats I hear the spark of the pyros behind me but they don't scare me like I thought they would, I stomp my foot before going into the high note falling down to a crouch before getting up and off the table to skip in stilettos to the stage in a skip to dance again and do all the funky trills.

Then end of the song is signalled with another pyro and the small audience goes wild and I bow to them and thank them before LeRoy's amplified voice reaches my ears.

"Ana you're new into this industry come closer and tell the guys what it's been like for you."

I make my way to the front of the stage, passing my mic off and tugging out my ear piece before parking my behind on the edge of the stage right beside the contestants and their families. I see now there are young children and I grin when Hannah passes me a happy India who gurgles excitedly, I think she likes this environment.

"Ok so you all excited?" I ask and everyone agrees.

"Y'all nervous?" I ask earning a more eager response.

"You know what? Me too." They all look at me in disbelief. "I've sang twice in front of a live audience and both were much smaller than what this one tonight is going to be and somehow I think tonight is going to have a lot of firsts for me and I'm so nervous but what I keep doing is reminding myself how I felt during the last performances I did. I felt alive, a buzz or adrenaline overtook my mind and body and it was just amazing and I hope to get that again tonight. What you need to do is remember that being nervous is ok and being excited is ok too and a bit of both is great, enjoy yourself because you really don't know which performance is going to be your last. I still expect to wake up and find out my five minute singing career has been a dream but most importantly do what you want to do because you love it and you want to do it not because someone else told you to do it."

"Right guys it's time to break for lunch now, after lunch you're all going to get a good rehearsal and Ana is going to be here to help me you can ask her questions then after your rehearsal because you'll get someone to one time with her ok? And Ana, man wasn't expecting that where was that sex appeal this morning?"

"Still in bed." I chuckle making LeRoy laugh.

"God you're going to have every man in the building salivating and in the palm of your hand if you do it like that last night, hope you're going to be rocking some sexy outfit too."

"I have no idea, Simon has someone bringing an outfit he thinks will work for the song over but I don't know." I shrug as everyone begins heading out for lunch.

"Trust the man Ana, he hasn't become a multi-billionaire in this industry without learning his stuff." LeRoy smiles before heading off.

One of the producers show us off the dining room and we line up to get some lunch with everyone else, Carrie organising for them to heat up one of the premade jars of food we have for India.

We sit together at a table and Hannah sets up the video on the iPad so I can see my last rehearsal with headphones in my ears so that I don't embarrass myself with everyone being able to hear.

I am shocked at myself. I really did give sexy! In my body language, my face and there's even something new in my voice when I sing and I don't know if I like it, hate it or actually love it! The only time I have ever really felt sexy is in Christian's presence and maybe that will help tonight, he's going to be in the audience along with everyone else who is on this trip with us and I just hope that helps me and doesn't hinder me in giving what I hope is going to be the best performance I possibly can.

After lunch we head back to my dressing room and at once we see that my outfit has arrived. It's hanging up in a black bag and on the table is a black jewellery box. Mia excitedly opens the bag and everyone's mouths fall open in complete and utter shock.

I can't wear that! I couldn't possibly wear that! It's slutty and horrible and PVC!

"Oh my God Ana every man in the building is going to have a hard on when they see you in this!" Mia squeals excitedly as she hangs the outfit back up.

"I can't wear that." I say shaking my head. "There's no way I could wear that!" I think Christian would love me wearing it in private but on stage in front of most of the British Nation and then some? I think I'd send my husband into an early grave.

"You have too! Come on Ana the outfit totally goes with what you Lola and LeRoy have done to the song." Mia says excitedly, she loves it that's obvious.

"What do you think Hannah?" I ask looking at her in all seriousness.

"I think it's sexy and you will look hot but you should make your mind up yourself Ana if you're going to be uncomfortable going out in that then you're not going to give the best performance that you can give. Think about it carefully and it's not like you haven't got three other dresses you can wear if you decide not to wear that." She says, always the wise one!

We head out to the stage and LeRoy parks my behind in one of the judges chairs with India on my lap as they begin the rehearsals. First up is a little girl called Sapphire Parks. She's about eight years old with blond hair that is tied in two braids over her shoulders. She's a singer with an amazing voice she puts me to shame with her rendition of Miley Cyrus' the climb.

I can see they're in their costumes for tonight so this is the dress rehearsal I take it. She's wearing a full length baby blue dress and white silk gloves up to her elbows and my guess is her hair and makeup will be different tonight.

"So Ana what do you think? The mic in front of you is on." LeRoy says as the little girl steps forwards with her hand over her eyes so she can see me better I suspect. U see the black pipe in front of me and figure that's the mic and lean towards it.

"Wow Sapphire, you've got talent girl!" I say making her grin widely. "You really have got a powerful voice I'm jealous!" She laughs as I smile. "I think India likes you too that's the most quiet she's been all day!" India claps in my lap at the sound of her name making me snigger. I am so out of my depths here I can't wait to get home and take a break from all of this. "If I was going to give you one piece of advice for tonight is try to feel the song, my guess is you understand the meaning of the lyrics try and feel them and you'll totally rock ok?"

"Thank You Ana." She says into her mic with a big smile and I give her a nod before she walks off and the second act comes forward. It's a man with a bald head and broad shoulders who goes by the name of Kieran Thompson and he's a comic.

He has me laughing from his first line and I can even hear the people around me laughing as he continues his two minute set. When he finishes I clap for him because he's that good and India clapped too.

"That was brilliant, I understood every word out of your mouth which I think is important especially in such a short set where you could lose the audience, your jokes about Simon Cowell were hysterical and I'd definitely play up those because everyone is going to understand them even us Americans."

He gives me a small bow before hurrying off for the second act to come on.

We go through all eight semi-finalists and while that's going on a young woman comes over to do my hair. She straightens it while I watch the semi-finalist and I guess this is because it takes a while to get straight now with its length, I really should cut it but I don't have the heart to do anything more than trim it an inch or so.

After the semi-finalists have rehearsed I get my final rehearsal which I do in the rockstud boots to get some practise. Once again I perform sexy, focusing on se appeal completely and I just hope I pull it off.

Once in the back I'm whisked off to hair and makeup where they begin gluing these silver and black butterflies to the side of my face along my cheek bone and beneath my eye. I trust that they know what they're doing so I don't say anything but I want to groan when they finish doing my eyes and bring out some pretty big false eyelashes.

I know this is Simon's doing. I had said in my brief that I wanted the makeup to be simple with a hint of fierceness and I know that in no way does this fill that brief. As the clock ticks by I get slightly more nervous even though I know the show is yet to begin and stuff.

"Hey Ana you ok?"

I turn my head and see Amanda Holden one of the female judges sliding into the chair beside me and someone instantly begins tending to her.

"I'm ok, extremely terrified and nervous but ok." I smile and she laughs.

"You'll be fine, I saw you rehearse do it like that tonight and you'll have the audience eating out of the palm of your hand." She chuckles and I smile, I like her.

Thankfully after having my hair sprayed with various products and pulled back to a high ponytail I'm dismissed to my dressing room. I step in and everyone who is in there's mouths fall open.

"That bad?" I ask rushing to the mirror.

"No that good! Ana you look amazing!" Mia squeals as I look at my face in the mirror.

My left cheek just beneath my eyes is adorned with butterflies and various shapes in both silver and black. My eyes are dark, heavy with long fake eyelashes, my lips are nearly harlot red and it's quite a shock to see myself like this. With my hair in a long sleek ponytail, pin straight and tightly pulled I try and envision myself in the outfit Simon Cowell had for me and I see it, myself as cat woman almost.

"So have you decided about the outfit?" Hannah asks as she comes to stand beside me.

"I guess I have to go with the one Cowell order right? I mean who knows more in this industry than him? If he thinks that outfit is going to make the performance tonight then who am I to argue?"

Hannah smiles, Mia claps her hands and produces a bottle of baby lotion and I know it's time to change.

* * *

CHRISTIAN'S POV!

It has been a fucking long evening watching all the desperate people who want to perform at the Royal Variety Show competing for the chance to be able to do it. Some of them were quite good and other's not so good. It has been a fucking long night and all I want to do is see my wife strutting her stuff on the stage before I can take her home and fuck her all night, she's much more healed now after her surgery which means some well needed kinky fuckery is in order, though she did let me spank her last night after the whole debacle when she and Mia went shopping.

Thankfully after a break where we can't even leave our seats it's almost time for Ana and the two little presenters Ant and Dec begin introducing her. The VT that plays is amazing, they have various clips of Anastasia working and some photographs of her from various places and they've put them all together before the voice over announces "It's Ana!"

I stand up with everyone else to watch, my hands nervously clenched in my pocket. I don't know why it is but I always get nervous for Ana. That first night on Graham Norton I thought I was going to vomit with the butterflies that swirled in my stomach as she took to the stage, I don't know what I had to be nervous about Ana is a natural just as I knew she would be.

The music begins and there is no sign of Ana just a large group of topless male dancers, who the fucks idea was that they need to be shot, Ana doesn't need to be surrounded by near naked male dancers.

The large double doors open and I see a figure at the top of a set of lit up stairs and as Ana begins to sing the light on the figure goes on and I see my wife.

I'm not sure what the fuck happened but my mouth is open, my eyes are near hanging out of my head and my pants just got that much tighter.

Fuck!

Ana is wearing a black PVC jumpsuit with a corset ribbon in the front. The sides are like black roses in a net of sorts. I can see every fucking curve of her delectable little body but the fucking problem is so can everyone else watching her. A quick glance around and I see men salivating at the sight of my wife, they all want in her fucking panties!

The jump suit stops at the top of her breasts but the part off her long sleeves meets under her neck so there's just a small patch of her creamy skin showing.

Her makeup is unlike anything I've ever seen Ana wear before and if it wasn't for the fact she'd opened her mouth to sing I might have debated it being my wife! There are black and silver stuff all over her left cheek and her eyelashes are visibly false. Then there's the harlot red lips, not Ana's colour but it works with this look. Her hair… she's never worn her hair like this before. It's so tight I think it's giving the impression of a face lift and it tumbles down her back and whips from side to side as she moves.

She walks down the steps with her hand on her swaying hips, she's oozing sex! I see the black boots on her feet with silver studs on the toes and on the heels. Fuck she looks amazing as she enters the chorus of the song and she begins to dance! Her shoulders rock just as the male dancer's do and she's in perfect time. Her look is fierce, her eyes narrowed almost threateningly.

Who is this and what have they done to my wife. Mia said she looked amazing and that I would die at the sight of her but I had no idea she meant this! I thought she would be in one of her pretty dresses with her hair in loose curls around her shoulders, her face natural with just the tiniest bit of makeup.

She has big black crosses hanging from her ear and on her fingers are rings, one looks like a giant spider another like a big black spike! This isn't my wife… this isn't my Ana.

I'm in a state of mixed emotions because she looks and sounds amazing, this is definitely the best she's done to date but fuck she shouldn't be like that on stage, no man should be able to see my wife like this!

When she walks from one side of the stage to the other her little delectable ass swings and I know I'm going to enjoy turning that pink when I get her back to the house. Carrie is having India in her room for the night and so Ana's going to be very sorry for this.

She hits the high note at the end of the second verse by bending forward, her hand out to the side and I see her looking more like she's been doing this all her life than some newbie.

When the chorus kicks in she walks around the judges table, her hand out to the audience hitting their hands. I'm furious! Doesn't she realise that they could fucking tug her off the stage?!

She lands by Simon Cowell's side and I feel her eyes on me and I can't stop the smile that spreads on my face, even when I'm fucking angry with her I love her and seeing her bright blue eyes meet mine even in the darkness I know we'll be alright after this has all blown over. She looks at Simon and winks as she sings the last line of the chorus and he gives her his hand which she uses to climb onto the judges table.

She's fucking insane, she could break her fucking neck! There she is singing the slower bridge of the song, standing on a fucking table, her legs spread her hand reaching out to the audience, her face softer for the moment. She does look amazing. The last line of the bridge hits and the big drum section happens with Pyrotechnics going off making me jump but Ana doesn't flinch, her voice doesn't waver as she is completely bent in half, her arm out to the side as she holds the big note before she stands, takes Simon's hand and almost jumps off the table to skip up to the stage

As she does the trills the dancers behind her pick it up a notch, two of them getting a little closer to Ana than I would like, then four of them are around her and they lift her up in the air, her ass is actually sitting in one of the men's hands and I want to break his fucking neck! How dare he touch what's mine?!

They lower her in time for the last line and another pyro goes off before the audience goes absolutely fucking wild. I clap along with them as everyone in our group cheer and holler loudly. The dancers disappear and I see in front of my own eyes that person on stage vanish and my wife is standing blushing pink in her place. I smile and relax, there's my Ana.

* * *

ANA'S POV

I can barely breathe as I wait for Ant and Dec to come and conduct the thirty second interview, the audience and the judges are on their feet and I feel alive, every fibre in body vibrating with adrenaline.

"Ana thank you so much for coming on tonight." One of the two says as the other air kisses me before he does, I don't know which one is which, they even look alike from a distance and they have a really weird accent

"Thank you so much for having me it's been a pleasure being here all day." I say speaking into my mic as I don't have a wired microphone. I tug my ear piece out so I can hear more.

"So that song Cinderella is out now?"

"Yeah it's out now as a single." I smile.

"Simon what did you think of Ana's performance."

"She knows what I think of her talent, this may be her first record but it isn't going to be her last." He says.

"Thank you Simon give it up for Ana Grey!"

I bow to the audience before heading off to the left waving at the camera and out of pure intense energy I blow a kiss too before hurrying backstage.

A couple of the producers help me out of the cat suit and I pull on one of my black dresses with my pumps before going to the green room where all the competitors are nervously waiting. I have no idea which of the eight will make it through to Saturday's final but I'm looking forward to finding out.

When the show is finally over I have to do a quick segment on Britain's got more talent. It only lasts about five minutes and I get to see thirty seconds of my performance before I say goodnight and head off to meet my family.

I'm not surprised when I see Christian looking thunderous and he says nothing just takes my hand and escorts me off to the limo. I try to speak to him but as soon as one word leaves my mouth he silences me with a look. He's furious, I'm not surprised.

Once in the house I go straight to the bathroom and remove the over the top makeup even though I loves the look something tells me I will never be like this again, I'll never perform like I did tonight again and I feel like my singing career is probably over when it was just beginning.

"Ana come in here please." Christian says from the bedroom and feeling more like a submissive than ever before I enter our bedroom with my head bowed. Christian sighs and without me saying a word he tugs me over his lap. "Why am I spanking you Ana?" He asks pulling my dress up to reveal the tiny black thong panty I wore with the cat suit.

"Because of my performance Sir." I say quietly, he needs this and I'm going to let him have it before we have an argument. I would prefer this not to happen but I know in my heart he won't truly hurt me.

"No Ana, I'm doing this because of how fucking good your ass looked in black PVC." He says and before I can say anything not even "huh?" his hand smacks my back side and I groan.

He silent for the rest of the spanking, the only noise filling the room being his hand ringing against my skin and my moans and groans. When he's done he drops me on the bed and removes my panties and my dress and then my bra leaving me in my heels.

"I don't know what to think about what happened tonight Ana." He says removing his own shirt. "Shit my mind was everywhere I wanted to come up there and grab you and I was hypnotised watching you. I want to do more than fucking spank you but in this frame of mind I fucking can't so instead I'm going to fuck you and we're not going to speak of this till tomorrow do you hear me?"

"Yes." I say quietly as he removes the rest of his clothes.

We fuck hard and fast and then slow and passionate. I come multiple times until I'm exhausted but I have a few things I have to speak to Christian about before I sleep.

"What time are we flying out tomorrow?"

"Eight pm." He replies, I know he has one last business deal he wants to get done before we leave hence our late flight.

"I have to pay Simon Cowell a visit."

"Why?"

"To turn down his offer."

"His offer?" Christian sits bolt upright and looks down on me with wide eyes.

"He wants to manage my singing career, if not as a whole then here in Britain but I guess after what I did tonight you won't let me even consider it and I don't think I want to."

"Are you telling me what you did tonight on stage was down to Simon Cowell?"

"Of course." I nod and I see him grit his teeth. "I thought we'd talk about that in the morning."

"Fuck no Ana we're talking about this now." He says as I sit up. "I don't know what to make of the feelings I felt tonight and I already know that I need a fucking intense session with Flynn when we get back home but Ana… you can't say no to Simon Cowell."

"But he wants me to ooze sex appeal." I reply and Christian shudders as images of my performance tonight flashes in his mind.

"That man Ana… he's put an offer on Grey Records an offer I'm considering."

"What? Why?"

"Because I've done what I wanted to do, I made Grey Records a success and so I am more than ready to sell, the only thing stopping me… is you."

"Why me?"

"Your career but if Simon wants you, nothing is stopping me. You need to sign with him Ana he will make you a bigger success than I ever will."

"What?" I stare at my husband, this is too much to figure out before tomorrow.

"Ana you're a natural up on stage and I love watching you perform, if it's what you want to do you're not going to say no to Simon, what's the contract he's offering you?"

"I don't know, he gave me an envelope but I didn't read it."

"Go fetch it." He says rubbing his tired eyes.

I find the contract in my oversized purse and hand it to him. I don't even know what to think at this moment and I know Christian is as conflicted as I am. I hear him hiss inhale as he reads and I know something has shocked him.

"You need to sign this."

"Why?"

"He's offering you a two point five million record contract Ana, no one and I mean no one would sign anyone up for this amount. Simon knows you're going to help make him even fucking richer. I'm not going to tell you what to do but you need to sign this and if you want I'll deliver it to Cowell myself."

"Can I sleep on it?" I ask and he nods putting the contract away.

"Come on let's get some sleep." He smiles and for the first time this evening I see my husband, my Christian.


	26. Chapter 26

**Because I'm in a good mood... here is another Written!**

**Friday 26th April 2013**

I wake up momentarily thinking I'm on a boat on a rough sea. There's a churning in the lower pit of my stomach but when I push myself to sitting I remember I'm in my home in London.

My hand flies to my mouth as I realise this feeling is intense nausea and I rush over to the bathroom just in time for my stomach to completely tense and for the vomit to ensue.

I feel a hand on my back and a hand pull my hair back and I realise that my husband has come to my aide. He rubs tiny circles on my back as I cling to the toilet expelling its contents.

"Ok?" Christian asks as I sit back against the tile wall.

"No…" I groan, the nausea is just as intense but I know that I'm going to throw up again.

"I'm going to wet a cloth just hold tight baby." He says kissing my head as I wipe my mouth across my mouth.

I hear him running water and it's enough to have me on my knees again with my head down the porcelain he comes back and I feel the cold wet flannel on the back of my neck as I expel more of my stomach contents.

"There, there baby." He says as I slump back against him. He presses the cold flannel to my head.

"Ok now?" He asks and I just whimper. "Do you want to get up?"

"No." I reply scared of moving in case I'm sick again.

"Ok." He replies quietly as he folds the flannel and wipes it across my mouth as I whimper like a wounded dog. "Shh, there baby." He says just before I'm pushing out of his hold to vomit some more.

Fuck I feel like the living dead but other than nausea I can't feel anything else wrong with me at all. Christian continues holding my hair back as I just dry heave horribly.

"I'm done." I say knocking the flush and sitting back against his head.

"You sure?" He asks and I nod, I'm really done I just know that I am.

"Ok let's get you up and back to bed." He says helping me to my feet.

Once he has me tucked up in bed he calls his mother not caring about the time difference. I try to protest, as my stomach settles I feel fine but Mr protective will not let me move, glaring at me every time I try to sit up.

"Talk to my Mom." He says handing me the phone before he takes the flannel off my head and heading for the bathroom.

"Hello Grace." I say tiredly, I just want to go and have some breakfast and fill my empty stomach.

"Ana darling are you ok?"

"I'm fine now, I woke up just nauseous."

"Any other symptoms?" She asks.

"Like what?"

"Stomach cramps, a temperature? Or problems with passing stool?"

"No I feel fine Grace, I had a nightmare that's all and woke up feeling like I was on a boat." I say chuckling, it's not quite a lie my dream was slowly becoming a nightmare though I think the nausea woke me before the worst of it.

"Could you be pregnant?"

"No, I'm on birth control Grace." I say sounding like an annoyed child.

"So you were last time, it couldn't harm running a home test until you get back to Seattle Ana and we'll see you on Sunday ok?"

"Sure thing Grace. Sorry he called you and disturbed you."

"It's fine. See you soon Ana."

"Bye Grace." I hang up just as Christian comes into the room with a glass of water in his hand for me.

"Well?"

"Your mother thinks I could be pregnant." I say making him freeze.

"Do you?"

"No." I say quickly but then my mind goes back to the past week or so. My going off tea, exhaustion which I put down to a hectic schedule, my nausea… "I guess I could be."

"Really?" His eyes widen and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing.

"Yeah I mean… I'm on the pill and have been taking it religiously since India's been born but anything can happen right."

"Right." He says still not showing any emotion. "I'll get Taylor to get a test then."

"No!" I say quickly and he cocks his head to one side in confusion. "I don't want anyone to know Christian, what if I'm not he'll tell Gail about the test and someone could overhear."

"Ok baby, I'll go but we need to know. You just rest." He says kissing my head and that's the end of my protest.

It takes him thirty minutes to change head out and come back with a bag full of different pregnancy test kits. I giggle as he explains he didn't know which one to get and we decide we'll just do one for now.

In the bathroom I pee on the clearblue digital test and then return to the bedroom to wait the allotted three minutes. Christian paces the bedroom running his hands through his hair while I just watch the timer.

When it rings I gulp and look at my husband and he takes a deep breath before picking it up.

"Well?" I ask and he looks at me, his eyes wide.

"According to this… you're pregnant again."

"What?" I snatch the stick from his hand and look at it, according to this I am one to two weeks pregnant. "It could be wrong."

"It could also be right." He says and I can't get a read on his emotion, it's scaring me.

"Do you want another child?" I ask him as I hold the stick in my hand.

"I want a whole brood with you Ana." He says and I smile a little. "I'm just a little shocked, India's not even a year old yet."

"I know." I reply looking at the digital screen of the stick again.

"Do you want more children?" He asks and I sigh weakly.

"I love India." I say looking at him. "You and her are my entire world and yes I want more children with you, more of our children but it's a bit soon. I'm about to sign with SyCo and you've got so much big business things going on right now. I don't think it could have come at a worse time." I say and he smiles and holds around me tight.

"Well someone in the world decided that this was the right time Ana and I guess we're going to make the best of it. Think how amazing it will be when he or she is here, a sibling for India another child for us to love and give a good life to."

"It will be amazing wont it?" I smile and he kisses the top of my head.

"Yes it will be." He laughs. "Now why don't you go have a long hot bath and leave everything to me, I'll sort out everything with Simon Cowell as you need to rest so we can fly home tonight." He says and for once I'm more than willing to relinquish everything to him, I need this news to settle in because I can't say I'm happy about being pregnant again, I can't say I'm sad either because I do want more children but I wanted our next child to be planned, I wanted us to both be ready and I'm not ready, my whole career is just starting up and now I'm pregnant and for the next nine months I'm going to have over-protective Christian once again and I don't know how the hell I'm going to handle it all.

"Christian." I say looking at my husband as I make a really quick and impulsive decision.

"What baby?"

"I don't want to sign with SyCo."

"What? Why?"

"I'm pregnant Christian. I'm going to be a Mom again and I feel guilty enough sometimes that I don't spend enough time with India, especially when I was touring. Maybe this is the sign I needed to see that a singing career is not for me."

"No Ana, you were amazing last night, yes I'm still reeling from your outfit and the sex appeal but Ana I think you found your calling, business was mine, singing is yours…" He kneels down in front of me.

"I can't Christian. If I sign with SyCo and Sony it will be a hectic schedule, more travelling than ever before, deadlines, I can't do it. I don't want to do it."

"Then my decision is made too. I'm not selling Grey Records."

"What? Why?"

"Because you were born to be on stage Ana, your acting career failed before it began…" I snort remembering the email we kind of ignored from New York stating that they weren't calling me back for a second audition. "…Singing is what you should do for the rest of your life. If I don't sell Grey Records you can work your way, I'll get a team together to run it so I won't be directly handling it and then you can work with Lila and Tito on your album and make a success of your singing career at the same time working to your own speed, to your own schedule. You can do both, be a Mom and a singer."

"You really want me to do this." I say wiping the tears from my eyes.

"I haven't been this sure since I asked you to marry me." He says before kissing my forehead. "If in a few months time you decide you don't want to sing and go back to business or books then you can do that but me keeping Grey Records allows you to finish you album and do what you want with your career, it leaves doors open for you."

"Thank you."

"I made vows Ana to uphold your dreams and I will do whatever I have to do to keep to them." He smiles. "now get some rest."


	27. Chapter 27

**Sunday 28th April 2013**

It's great to be home! Being back in Seattle is amazing and after spending all day yesterday with just Christian and India relaxing around the house watching movies together and eating junk it's nice to be heading to Bellevue to spend more time with family.

Today we all spent some time in the pool, Zach, Gail and Taylor joined us and it was a lot of fun though Christian is definitely back in overprotective mode with me possibly being pregnant, he wouldn't even let me climb into the pool by myself and carrying India up and down the steps was completely out of the question.

"Please don't mention anything to your Mom tonight, can we just enjoy the news ourselves for now?" I ask as Christian wraps his arms around my underwear covered body as I try to decide what to wear tonight.

"Ok, I think this time, no one should know till we hit the three month mark, what do you think?"

"I agree." I smile, Christian and I are really going to make the most of this pregnancy I hope, even though it wasn't planned we're both so excited already. I can't wait to see Doctor Greene tomorrow for a blood test to determine whether or not the pregnancy test was right or not, I will be heartbroken if it turns out I'm not pregnant now but with me having had Morning Sickness the past couple of days I'm convinced I am.

Of course, with India I didn't get any morning sickness so this is a first for me. I hope to God I am not going to be too exhausted to go back to work next week. Having had an extremely busy week in London both Christian and I are taking the next week off to just be with India. We're going to spend time here in Seattle just visiting local places and doing normal things, we're even taking India to some baby classes at local playgroups so we can get to know some Mom's with babies the same age, maybe find someone to have play dates with which I think is even more important now I'm pregnant, it's going to be important for India to learn how to share and how to have another baby around her.

"I hope it's a boy." I say quietly as I continue looking through my racks of clothes.

"Me too." Christian admits. "Though as long as he or she is healthy then I'll be ecstatic."

I smile at Christian, a lot of big decision have been made in the past few days including my decision not to sign with SyCo and Christian's in deciding not to sell Grey Records. We're going to release my album as planned but with the pregnancy at least being signed under Grey Records he'll be able to be in charge of everything I do just how I want it to be, I know he'll be the one to really guide me with my career however far it will go and with him being in control I won't ever have to do big tours like these singers do, I'll be able to do things my way and right now being a Mom is more important to me than being a singer, after the album and it's promotion (which looks like LA this time!) I am taking a break to finish the animal hospital series and then who knows what I'll do, maybe it will be time to try something completely new!

With tonight being a celebratory dinner for me from Grace and Carrick I need something nice to wear. Before I was never concerned about clothes and I know I've changed there, I guess it's my small fear of ending up on a list for being dressed badly that has kicked that in. I'm glad I'm seeing Sandra tomorrow too, she'll be able to help me put a lot of things in perspective, I know Christian is also seeing Flynn tomorrow.

I eventually choose a pair of white skinny jeans (I'm already dreading the day I won't be fitting into them again.) a blue loose sequined top and a pair of lace up knee high heeled boots that Mia bought me from LA. It's good enough because I can't find a dress and this is tidy and nice too.

I find India with Carrie dressed in a gorgeous blue dress with her gold sandals on, I can't wait till she starts walking properly, she can pull herself up with furniture now but she only bounces on her legs rather than try to take steps. I also can't wait for her to be speaking more. She's starting to try and say bye bye now which is good but for now I'm happy with Mammamama and Dadadadadada which is apparently all she needs to be saying right now, her speech is developing just right so I'm not worried at all.

We make it to Bellevue on time, Taylor dropping us off and Grace and Carrick meeting us at the door. I hug everyone and receive their congratulations before I'm handed a glass of wine and ushered to sit down.

To avoid making it obvious to everyone around I sip at the wine just letting it wet my lips, Christian glares at me but says nothing, I'm not giving it away to anyone that I'm pregnant not until we know for sure at the least. Maybe we'll be able to avoid dinner with Grace and Carrick for the next three months? Or just have them at our house where mine can be non-alcoholic wine that no one would know the difference with.

Around the dinner table the mood is jovial, everyone filling us in on what we missed while we were in London. It's nice to hear about how settled Kate and Elliot are in their new home and it's sad to hear how Grandma Trevelyan has been talking about going to a nursing home as she's lonely at home and she also thinks she may need someone taking care of her basic needs such as getting up and down, things she can no longer do. I'm glad that we all support whatever decision she makes, she's been offered to live with Grace and Carrick and with Elliot and Kate and I'm sure tomorrow she will be given an offer to come to live with us which I wouldn't mind.

After dessert Kate and Elliot grasp everyone's attention and we all look at them. Elliot slips his arm around Kate's waist, his hand resting on her stomach.

"Kate and I would like to let you all know that we're now three months pregnant." Elliot says with a huge grin. I near choke on my drink but recover quick with a smile. Christian looks at me as we get up to clap and head over to give hugs. Grace is in near tears and Mia is bouncing happily. I am ecstatic for Kate, they had been like us saying they wanted to wait but I guess fate it took the choice out of their hands.

"Tell her." Christian says, it's like he read my mind, I want to tell Kate of course I do! We'll get to do some of this together and it will be amazing.

As I hug Kate I lean into her ear and I feel her holding her breath so she can hear me.

"It will be nice not to have to do it on my own this time." I say and I feel her squeeze me tighter, yeah she knows what I mean and yeah she's not giving it away to anyone else.

"Congrats Kavanagh." I smile.

"Congrats Steele." I hear back quietly in my ear.


	28. Chapter 28

**All outfits mentioned in this fic are available in the album Written on my facebook Steffie Dawn xx**

**Monday 29th April 2013**

We're literally in and out of Doctor Greene's office. With the home pregnancy test having said only two weeks she says we couldn't see anything even with an internal ultrasound so she does the blood test and says she'll let us know by phone in the next couple of days. That's just great, more waiting! I hate waiting, I want to know if I am, how far along, everything!

Taylor drops me off at Starbucks not far from Doctor Flynn's office where I'm meeting Sandra before taking Christian on to see Doctor Flynn, we're getting our own personal shit out of the way this morning to dedicate this afternoon to our baby girl who is having an attention filled week.

"Hey Ana." She smiles as soon as I walk in, I guess she was waiting for me by the door.

"Hey what are you having?" I ask her and she smiles and walks with me to order.

I get Sandra and me both a decaff latte before we find a quiet booth towards the back of the place together. She eyes me sceptically as I sit down opposite her and I know she's wondering what this impromptu meeting is about.

"So how was London?" She asks deciding to go easy on me to start.

"It was good, I really enjoyed myself. It was hectic all the time but I got everything I need to do done and it was nice to just be there." I reply with a smile, I think I'm always going to have fond memories of this last week.

"So what's this about?" She asks making a hand motion to signal this meeting of ours.

"I have some issues that cropped up a lot in London, other small things I guess I just need to talk about." I say hoping she'll decide where to go first.

"Issues?"

"Yeah, my… my self-confidence was bought up a lot in the past week." I say as Sandra snorts. "What?" I say half laughing and half confused.

"Self-confidence? Ana before coming here to meet you I watched your Britain's Got Talent thing on YouTube, you have no self-confidence issues when you can rock an audience like that, it took me a few minutes to believe it was really you!" She says.

"That's my point, on stage Sandra I take on this persona, this other person and when I finish and the adrenaline wears off I'm shocked and sometimes horrified at what I've done and I don't believe it was as good as everyone is making it out to be." I say running my finger awkwardly around my mug, my eyes looking into my drink rather than at the shrink.

"Ok if it's something you really want to address then leave it with me and I'll look into our options is that ok?"

"Yeah, thanks Sandra." I smile weakly, I know if anyone can help me it will be her!

"Now what else do you want to discuss?"

"There's a couple of things actually." I reply and she nods encouraging me to continue. "Everything I tell you is confidential right?"

"Not only does it come under doctor-patient privilege Ana I've also signed an NDA, yes everything is confidential."

"Well… I'm pregnant again."

"Congratulations." She smiles and I smile back. "I'm guessing it's good news."

"Yes… well I only had the blood test this morning but if morning sickness and a home test is anything to go by then Grey Heir number two is on its way." I smile wider, I really am happy to be pregnant again even if the timing isn't perfect.

"So what's bothering you so much about the pregnancy?"

"The mixed emotions I have. A part of me is worried that I'll have to put a lot of things back that I'm aiming to do such as the New York Marathon in November but then another part of me is almost ready to up and quit everything and just focus on being a Mom though I know a couple of weeks into that and I'd be pulling my hair out."

"I think what's important Ana is for you to work on finding the right balance. I know that your career is important to you, everything you do is important to you even if your focus goes from one thing to the next you still care about everything like your businesses and your books even though your focus lately has been on singing." I nod along in agreement, I always keep up to date with my books through Hope Hewitt and with the businesses via emails from Wendy but yes my focus has all been on the singing.

"Lastly, I turned down the biggest offer I will probably ever get as a singer, or in any time in my life which had a direct consequence on Christian's business."

"What was that?" Sandra asked visibly intrigued.

"I turned down an offer to sign a two point five million dollar contract with Simon Cowell's company which made Christian decide not to sell Grey Records to him."

"Ok so did he decide not to sell because you wouldn't sign?"

"Yes. When I told him about the offer he said that I should take it because he'd had an offer made on Grey records by SyCo and the only reason he was not going to sell was because of my career with Simon wanting to sign me then it was a win-win scenario I would still have a recording contract and Christian could sell the company he was only keeping because of me. When I found out I was pregnant the morning after I told Christian that I didn't want to sign with SyCo and he decided not to sell. I encouraged him too but he said if he sold and I didn't sign I would have no singing career and he wanted me to have one if I wanted one so I agreed with him to not sell the company. He's ready next week to start interviewing some management team and a board for Grey records so he can let go of all the handling of it and they can sign a few more artists and expand the brand. Anyway that's not the point. I don't know why the hell I turned down a two point five million dollar contract with the biggest record company is, SyCo and Sony music were going to sign me and I said no! I must be insane because people dream of these stuff."

"By staying with Grey Records what does that mean to your career as a singer Ana?"

"It means that I can do what I want to do which is sing, release my album work on my own stuff and do it all in my own time, no deadlines, no pressure."

"Does that appeal to you?"

"It's perfect for me, it means whenever I want to take a break I can, I can spend more time with my daughter and baby number two when he or she gets here."

"How do you think your life would be affected if you signed with SyCo?"

"I think I would have to travel a lot more, I would be pressured into everything, I wouldn't be able to take a break whenever I felt like it, I would have deadlines and chances were they wouldn't give my writing a second look. I'd have no say over anything."

"So can you see now why you made the decision you did?"

This woman has talked me around in circles and gotten me to the conclusion that I needed. I smile and nod at her as she sips her drink. It makes complete sense now to me, I understand exactly why I did what I did and I have no regrets either, Christian did right by me while in a big sense I did right by him and our family. I get to still do my album and work on music but at the same time I get to stay in Seattle and be a Mom and a wife.

I meet Christian and Taylor in the SUV and Christian is sat thumbing through some files.

"What are all those?" I ask being nosey.

"Oh background checks on the parents we'll meet today."

"You didn't? Already? Fuck Christian it's a baby play group! Can't we go in there and just meet people and judge them for ourselves?"

"I want to make sure our child isn't going to be near anyone dangerous Ana." He scowls as if my request is completely ludicrous.

"Christian what are the chances that one of the parents is going to be a fucking criminal?"

"High actually, I've already found four but Oreon, Taylor and Luke is going to be with us so we'll be ok, they'll keep an eye out on the bad ones and we can focus on our daughter.

"No way are we taking three big burly men into that place with us Christian you're being unreasonable, why don't we bring Carrie and Gail along? They can keep an eye out while we play with India and you can ask Taylor kindly to find a couple of female security to add to the team on a part time basis for events such as these?" I reply hoping I'm making a reasonable request. He sighs and runs his hands through his hair before closing his eyes and nodding. My guess is he's just counted to ten very slowly and he's angry with me. "Good, see I can be reasonable."

"I know. I just want us to be able to go there today Ana and feel safe, not have to worry about the parents who may be drug dealers or addicts or possible sex offenders."

"I know baby, I understand that but let's strive for some normality huh?" I say running my fingers through his hair. He leans in and kisses me just as we pull up outside the house.

"Oh just so you know after dinner Mom and Dad are picking up India and you and I have a date with Escala." He whispers before jumping out the car leaving me already panting.

Both Christian and I dress comfortably, him in a grey v neck t-shirt with jeans and sneakers and me in bootcut jeans, a tight tucked in black tee and the white Saint Laurent sneakers I bought on tour for comfort. We choose India's outfit together and make a fuss of dressing her in the Oscar De la renta garden romper with one of Great-Grandma Trevelyan's cardigans and her yellow glittery TOMS slip ons.

For once we look like a regular family and not a bunch of celebrities. Ok, yes I admit all our clothes are designer but if you didn't know designers you wouldn't know and after a light lunch we get to leave.

Christian pulls up the car outside the community centre in his new car that arrived when we were in London which is an Audi S8 in a dark silver. It's lovely as it holds the three of us comfortably and after a re-think Christian decided just, him, India and I would be fine though I knew it was taking a lot for him to decide that and not have us have a security fleet. Maybe one female on the team wouldn't be a bad idea for this situation, I would be far more comfortable if we had just the one with us.

I gather India from the back of the car as Christian sorts out getting the diaper bag that has everything we could possibly need in it. Even though the playgroup only runs for a couple of hours one of the book's Grace gave me warned to be prepared for everything even shocking weather and unexpected travel delays so in India's bag is four bottles of formula one of cow's milk juice in a bottle and a spare beaker and two glass jars of food and about ten diapers, wipes, books, toys, blankets and four spare pacifiers.

I hoist India onto my hip as Christian presses his hand to my lower back. The building is in a good part of town and so I don't know what he's worried about but I know he hates having not got security with us but I'm grateful with him backing down, I don't know what that's doing to him inside but it's made me happy.

"Hello you must be new. My name is Gwen Richards." The mother with the register smiles as we walk in through the doors.

"Hi I'm Ana, this is Christian and our daughter India." I smile, her eyes hadn't left Christian until I said my name then she turned to me and gawped… oh no… a fan…

"Oh uh hello." She stutters. "If you just want to sign the register and you can go straight through most of the parents with children under two are in the soft playroom to the back of the hall and the door on the left." She says quickly as Christian signs us in.

"Thanks Gwen." He says giving her a panty dropping smile before he escorts us away.

"I hope that doesn't happen again." I mutter and Christian laughs softly before stroking my back, yeah I think he agrees.

We enter the soft playroom and find a smaller room than the hall we walked with filled with lots of soft furniture and toys, including a large play set all padded with a ball pool and a slide. It looks like a fun place for a kid.

"Hi I'm Maya, you're both new right?" A dark skinned woman with pin straight black hair asks with a smile on her face.

"Yes, I'm Ana this is Christian and our daughter India."

"Pleasure to meet you both." She smiles, if she recognises us then she hasn't given a hint that she does. "That's my son Kai over there." She says pointing to a little boy trying to crawl up the slide, he has lighter skin than hers and very curly black hair, he's so cute.

"He's adorable." I say with a smile as I turn back to Maya.

"Oh they are at this age." She laughs. "It's when they turn two and up that they're not so cute more like terrible." She chuckles. "If you want my advice on getting India settled to play put her down and let her go, they're very inquisitive at this age and she'll go from one bright thing to the next. Oh and I wouldn't let her play with her own toys, other kids try to take them and it causes tantrums and lots of crying." Maya smiles and I nod and look at Christian, a part of me doesn't want to put her down but he gives me and encouraging nod and I gently put her to sit on the floor.

I lean into Christian as we watch her looking around at all the big bright colours, everything is red, green, yellow or blue and I know her curious little mind doesn't know where to begin.

Eventually she crawls over to the ball pool and Christian and I both relax ready to just watch her play.

"Your only child?" Maya asks as she watches Kai from beside us, we're yet to sit down as I think both Christian and I are on edge in case something happens or India isn't happy in some way.

"Yeah." I nod and she smiles and her eyes meet mine for just the moment.

"I have one older daughter, she's through the other room doing arts and crafts. I'll take Kai in there after and try and get him to do some gluing, he loves getting messy and I like letting him get messy here. I don't have to worry as much about him ruining the furniture!" She chuckles and I love the idea of doing arts and crafts with India. "Oh look at that!" She says with a child voice on. "Is this her first time interacting with other children?"

"Yes." I nod choked up as India has caught up with Kai at the bottom of the slide and she tries to pass him a ball only for him not quite grasp it and it to roll down back into the pit making Kai and India both giggle. Their laughter fills the air and I lean my head on Christian's side as he wraps an arm on my shoulder. That's our daughter's first ever interaction with someone near her own age.

"How old is Kai?" Christian asks, his voice domineering and I want to hit him for it.

"Nine months old. And India?"

"Seven months now." I reply softly nudging Christian with my elbow hoping he'll get my hint just as Kai throws a ball and it hit India in the head and bounce off.

I see Christian ready to pounce but I grab his hand to hold him back. India looks completely shell shocked for a moment before she laughs loudly and I feel Christian relax beside me.

"Would you like some juice?" Maya asks looking from Christian to I. "It's not great stuff but it's nice to sit with a drink to watch the kids play."

"Sure thank you." I reply on both our behalf as Christian is too busy watching India with Kai.

"I don't like he near older boys." He says as soon as Maya is out of ear shot and I cannot contain the snort I let out.

"Christian he's a nine month old little boy what is the worst he's going to do?" I ask watching the two together just as Kai leans in and clasps India's cheeks in his hands and gives her a sloppy kiss.

"Fucking that!" Christian says a little too loudly earning glares from nearby parents. I elbow him in the ribs in warning.

"Don't swear Christian." I growl. "Kai is at the age where he is learning how to give affection, kids don't understand that kissing near strangers is totally unacceptable, his kissing India is him showing affection just as I would hug Kate or your Mom, he is too young to know." I explain as India reaches out with a scowl on her face and runs her hands through Kai's hair, he seems content in letting her. "India is at the age where she's intrigued by other people, she's always going to be touching people too and in a couple of months she'll be content in kissing strangers."

He doesn't look happy and continues to scowl as Maya comes back with a glass of orange each for us.

"Oh that's just sweet." She smiles when Kai kisses India again, I hear a growl from Christian and I chuckle.

"I think Daddy's jealous." I say making Maya laugh.

"Don't worry Daddy you'll be the only man in her life for some time. Why don't we sit?"

We join Maya at the bench against the wall watching India as she plays with Kai. It's amazing to see her interacting so well with someone so soon. He's a little bigger and burlier than her and as the climb out of the ball pool it looks like he's encouraging her out when she falls right onto her head.

Her scream pierces the air and both Christian and I are on our feet in a heart beat. Maya is quickly collecting Kai as Christian scoops India into his arms. She's bawling loudly, her cheeks red and tears streaming down them.

"This place is dangerous." Christian hisses at me and I roll my eyes angrily as he tries to soothe India who is just screaming loudly.

"Christian it was an accident, she fell, she's going to fall a lot for a long time until she's steady on her feet and if she's anything like me that's never." I say going into the diaper bag and recovering a pacifier. "Here you go baby girl." I say popping it in her mouth. She reaches out for me and I take her from Christian allowing her to cling to my shirt and shove her face in the crook of my neck.

"I'm so sorry." Maya says as she holds Kai on her hip.

"It was an accident, it looked like he was trying to help her out not push her." I say chuckling as she looks relaxed at my notion, I think she was worried that we thought her child had purposely hurt ours.

"We're going to go through and do some arts and crafts now I think he's had enough play time and it's winding down time. They do a story in half an hour."

"Www now that sounds like a pastime for Mommy." I say in a baby voice to a calming India. "Should we go do some arts and crafts?" I ask Christian and he nods, I think he's relieved to be leaving the soft play that he's trying to do a safety assessment of in his head.

We arrive another small room where children and parents of all ages are gathered around tiny tables. All the kids nearly are standing or sitting on their parents lap as the parents sit on the floor.

Christian and I find a space with Maya and we begin getting paper and stuff. There's a theme each week and this week's theme is animals.

"Christian would you mind getting some aprons from the roll just there?" Maya asks as she rolls Kai's sleeves up and then I see the big paint brushes and trays of poster paint and I realise things are about to get messy.

Christian collects plastic white aprons for us all and he put's mine on as I put India's on hoping not to ruin her little playsuit, it would be a shame as it's lovely and it's the first time she's wearing it.

I pass India a big paint brush and show her what to do while Christian begins his own painting which makes me chuckle, he smiles his boyish smile at me and while I'm momentarily distracted India's put her hand right in the red paint.

I take her hand while giggling and place it on the paper to make her handprint and she giggles happily so I do a second. I think she gets the idea as she drops her left hand into the blue paint and I quickly get another hand print before letting her do her own thing.

"I guess someone is going to need a bath tonight." Christian comments as he paints a big red love heart and I murmur an agreement.

"The paint is non-toxic." Maya says when I stop India putting her hand in her mouth. "So if she gets some in her mouth it won't be harmful and she'll see it doesn't taste nice and not do it again for a while."

"Ok." I nod guessing she experienced it with Kai before.

India and Kai between them get paint everywhere. I get a perfect horrible green from the mix of paint handprint on my cheek where India feels my face up as she often does and Christian even gets some too.

Our clothes thankfully are saved by the aprons but India has gotten paint everywhere, all over her face and hair and up her arms, it's quite funny and I can't resist snapping a photo of her on my phone to print later.

Christian gets the job of cleaning India up at the big metal sinks while I get the job of tidying up the table, hanging the pictures up to dry, India thankfully hasn't completely covered her hand prints with paint so I look forward to writing her name and age with marker pen and hanging it up somewhere in the house where it can be admired.

When Christian and Maya return with both kids cleaner than they were we remove our aprons and head out to the hall were beanbags have been set up and Gwen is sat in one facing some of the older kids. Christian snags a bean bag beside Maya and I sit between his legs with India on my lap. He kisses my head and I hear him sniggering and I frown turning to him.

"You have paint in your hair." He says and I giggle.

"So do you." I laugh and he laughs too, this is so nice.

Gwen reads Mrs Brown can moo can you? by Dr Seuss and by the end of it India is happily sleeping in my lap. I guess the events have completely exhausted her and it is time for her nap anyhow.

I exchange phone numbers with Maya before we leave and we make a brief plan to meet the coming week with the kids to do something and apparently I'll get to meet her four year old who I just get a glimpse of running by at one point.

"Hmm why don't we go out for dinner?" Christian asks as he puts a snoozing India into her car seat.

"I think that would be good and I know just the place." I grin while he eyes me sceptically. "Can I drive?" He scowls but then eventually passes me the keys and I grin because I get to drive his new car without a fight.

I drive us to Razzis Pizza in north Seattle, a place I've driven by many times but never visited. Christian eyes me sceptically but says nothing and climbs out of the car.

India wakes as we pull her out of the car and she happily snuggles against Christian's shoulder as we head inside the restaurant.

The place has an instant family feel about it. Many families with their kids are all sitting around tables, some kids being told off other's running around a little we're shown to a nice booth and they let us know they'll bring a high chair over for India.

Once we're all seated comfortably they let me know they'd be happy to warm up some baby food with our meal and just to hand it over with our order so it will be brought out with our food.

Christian and I decide to share some mozzarella sticks and bbq wings to start, I loved bbq wings when I was touring, it was my little guilty pleasure but I haven't had any since being home so today it's a real treat.

Christian for his main orders a Chicken calzone which has chicken red onion and roasted red peppers and I go for the white garlic chicken pizza which comes with grilled chicken, red onions, roasted red peppers, mushrooms, parmesan, mozzarella, with Alfredo sauce instead of tomato pizza sauce.

Me with probably eyes bigger than my stomach I order dessert of New York cheesecake while Christian declines.

"Today has been nice." He smiles holding my hand across the table, India is happy enough with a set of rattle keys.

"Yeah it has hasn't it?" I grin. "We've had a normal day today, errands this morning then family time."

"Yeah but tonight, you and me have a date with Escala."

"Hmm I'm looking forward to it." I grin as I feel my panties begin to moisten, damn all he has to do is mention the playroom and I'm in need of him.

Our waiter comes back with our drinks which is a pink lemonade for me with a slice of lemon and ice and a corona with lime for Christian. I eye his beer and he smirks at me while I try to act nonchalant.

"Try it." He says after a long sip and I grin and take a tiny sip, just enough to get a taste before handing him back.

"Ugh." I say running my teeth along my tongue.

"Not for everyone." He chuckles while I sip my own drink.

When our starts arrive we're double checked that we want India's food out with our main. She's content in nibbling on a breadstick for the moment and so it will be nice to eat our starters in peace.

The food is lovely, not the best bbq wings I've had but definitely not the first and as with all foods India eyes up what we have so Christian and I take it in turns giving her a taste of the sauce from our fingers. Turns out she loves BBQ chicken wings as much as her Mom, greedily sucking our fingers of the sauce before moaning when there's no more.

She's not a fan of Mozzarella which does surprise me as both Christian and I enjoy it but I guess she will develop her own taste in food and maybe she turns her nose up at it now but will like it next week, who knows with babies this young.

While we eat our main I feed India while discussing what we plan to do for the next week. We've decided that tomorrow we're finally taking India swimming to a public pool and are going to find a course where babies this young can learn how to survive a little longer if they were to fall into water, Christian's not too happy but he agrees with me it's important and it would give us both peace of mind to know that India can hold her breath and float on her back giving us vital seconds to rescue her if she was to fall into our swimming pool or the sound.

We also agree it's time to introduce India to music, see if there's any instrument that she seems to be natural with, well Christian decides that, he has already decided that India and our second child will study one form of martial arts, one language and one instrument at the minimum just as he had to with the Grey's, I can't see a down side though I do remember him telling me Mia stomped her foot when it came to learning a martial art and I wonder if any of our kids would do to.

"Maybe if India does French I could do it with her." I say musing.

"Really?"

"Yeah I mean then all three of us could speak French, I did some in school I can say hello and introduce myself, say my age ask how someone is and say how I am count to twenty and I remember some of the colours."

"Ok, you could learnt to, that's a great idea Ana." Christian grins. "Then we'll have to go to France more often, for adults it's easier to learn the language by practising it."

"Sure."

"Maybe we could go back to France on holiday this year."

"That would be nice." I grin. "Maybe soon so I'm not walking around Paris like a beached whale." I say giggling.

"You could never look like a beached whale." He says. "You were stunning carrying India."

"Even at nine months when I couldn't stand on my own and couldn't see my feet?"

"Even then." He grins and I chuckle, he knows all the right things to say.

"So tomorrow afternoon we'll go and buy some toy instruments and make music all afternoon?"

"Sounds like fun." He chuckles. "I wonder how many times we'll sing nursery rhymes to her tomorrow afternoon."

We also discuss India's cruising. We're both hoping to work on her walking this week and have the video camera at the ready. It would be perfect for her to do it for us this week while we're home all week and we're desperate to see her getting to that milestone of taking her first stumble steps. I just hope she's not as clumsy as me, I didn't walk till I was well past one and Christian has no idea when he began walking.

Christian is concerned about someone accidentally leaving the baby gates on the stairs open and we agree that it's definitely an issue. A google search on his phone and he decides that this week also India is going to learn to crawl up and down the stairs with us making sure she can't fall and hurt herself. Hopefully it will be enough to help her should she ever get curious while the gate has been left open and minimise the chance of her falling and hurting herself.

"We should go shopping for bikes." Christian says and I look at him surprised. "You know we could take the bikes to the park, ride Elliot's bike trail and have a cart or chair for India, good way of getting fresh air and having some fun."

"You've spent a lot of time looking into this haven't you." I smirk and he laughs softly.

"Yeah, I want us to enjoy this week as much as we can before we go back to work."

"I don't think I'm going back straight away." I say quietly and he looks at me waiting for an explanation. "I think I'll work from home maybe, be with India then when she's down for her nap then I can work on the animal hospital books and arrange another fundraiser for the charity."

"If that's what you want to do baby you do that." He says making me smile, I knew he would support me, I also know if he could he would stop me working all together but that's never going to happen. "Ana are you worried about having another baby?"

"I'm worried how we'll manage it with both of us working all the time. I already feel like I haven't been there for India enough and now we're about to have another child, India will be sixteen months old approximately when this child comes Christian, she'll be at a crucial age and we'll have a newborn to look after… I'm worried how I'll cope…"

"You won't be on your own, I'll take more time off this time."

"That's not what I mean, my body was so exhausted after giving birth to India. I just wanted to sleep all time and I felt horrible and I know it was the baby blues but I'm worried how it will affect India when we have a second baby to look after who will be screaming for attention approximately every three hours. We had it easy with India, she went into a natural routine without an issue but what if this baby doesn't like routine?"

"Ok now isn't the time to worry about that Ana, now is the time to enjoy the first trimester, something we didn't get to do with India because we didn't know about the pregnancy." He says giving me a small smile, both of us missing India grabbing the food filled spoon I was holding in mid-air.

"Definitely going to need a bath tonight." I say as she sucks on her hand.

"So what else should we do this week?" Christian asks as I go between taking a bite of pizza to feeding impatient India.

"You know we don't have to plan everything down to the most minute detail baby, we could just wake up on Thursday see it's sunny and decide to drive somewhere. Hey maybe we can go pick up Bob and go visit Ray see how the wedding planning is going and the plans for the move to Seattle?"

"Yeah ok, maybe I'll take the men fishing leaving you and Marge and India to talk about that stuff though." He says causing me to poke my tongue out at him. "I'll bite that later." He winks.

After getting home Christian and I get India bathed together and into her pyjamas just in time for Grace and Carrick to pick her up, she briefly questions me about the nausea and I tell her it must have just been the nightmare and thankfully she leaves it at that. I can't imagine her finding out now I was pregnant not when I'm barely gone a couple of weeks.

Once they've gone we both climb into the R8 which Christian informs me he is debating selling and I agree that maybe one of my sports cars should be put to sale too, he recommends keeping the sports car and getting rid of the Yaris… damn he hates my little car!

Arriving at Escala one look from my darling husband has me going upstairs and stripping down to my panties. I'm glad I changed into a tiny pink thong before leaving home. I kneel in my spot by the door and cast a quick glance around the playroom, nothing has changed since the last time I was here and as my eyes fall on the table he used to spank my sex my insides clench hungrily.

When the door opens my head is bowed and my breathing has relaxed more. I can't wait to play though I do have a feeling I am in for some serious punishment too for what happened on Britain's Got Talent with the outfit. My mind has been replaying that over and over and I have decided that whenever I perform live I'm going to have some sex appeal, maybe not quite the wet look catsuit but definitely pouty lips, rocking heels and lots of makeup. I looked good, I liked the reflection looking back at me in the mirror.

He gets behind me and braids my hair without a word, it takes him longer than ever with my hair having grown considerably since the last time we were here but when he tugs it and breaths in my neck I feel the wetness pool inside my tiny thong.

"Oh Ana, Ana, Ana." He says, his voice vibrating against the pulse on my neck making my whole body quiver in delight. "What am I to do with you?" He murmurs before biting on my ear. "I know just what naughty girls like you need Anastasia. Punishment." I clench, mixed with excitement and nervousness. "I think we'll start with the new table. Now go over and stand beside it, imagine yourself lying there, legs tied to the poles, your pussy with six clamps holding them open to me, rope tied around your breasts tight. Now." He growls.

I dive towards the table and quickly do as he says. I hear him behind me rummaging through the drawers and I tingle with excitement. When he comes back he quietly lays the toys out on the table in front of me. I don't think we've ever used this many in one session. Without a word he lifts up the bar gag and automatically I open my mouth so he can put it in. He then picks up some rope and lifts my arms to the side of me like a scarecrow before he proceeds in wrapping up my breasts.

I've seen images in my research when writing fifty shades of women's breasts purple from how tight they've been bound. Christian does wrap them tight but not horribly so that they instantly turn purple.

"Bend over hands on table." He orders and I can hear it in his voice that he's in full on Dom mode.

I quickly do as he ordered and watch through the corner of my eye as he picks up a weird looking black object with twists in it along with a bottle of lube.

"This is a corkscrew dildo Ana." He says and I hear him uncapping the lubricant. "And I'm using it as a butt plug."

The small rosebud of my behind clenches tight as I fear the ten inch black pole. I feel his wet finger against it and I relax knowing that it would just hurt if I didn't. He inserted on finger, followed by a second, followed by a third and pumped them slowly in and out of my tight behind. I moaned around the bar, saliva gathering in the corner of my mouth and falling onto my chin and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Eventually his fingers are gone and the dildo is twisted and I mean twisted like a cork into place, I already feel too full for it to be true.

"Now on the table." He orders.

He makes quick work of getting my legs tied to the poles and snapping on the clamps. I hiss at every one and my breath traps in my throat as he tugs on each string after tying them up just to tease me.

"Now Ana I'm going to tie your hands up so your safe word is a series of three screams like a siren. Do that for me now."

I scream three times through the gag like a siren and he nods for me to do it again.

"Just do it over and over if you have to I'll get you back to neutral and stop all play ok?" I nod understanding he's talking to me as his wife at this moment.

After securing my hands in place he takes the belts and traps me down onto the table, I can barely move a muscle.

I watch as he grabs a blind fold and secures it over my eyes and then places a set of ear plugs in my ears. The only thing I can do now is feel everything he gives me.

I'm breathing heavily when I feel a vibration on my clit, I arch the tiniest bit I can and moan deeply or at least I think I do, I feel the moan in my throat but I can't hear it. The vibrator or whatever it is Christian is using is pressed harder against my clit and I only last two minutes before I come undone. I expect the vibration to stop but it doesn't, I'm coming down from my high while another is building when suddenly I feel Christian inside of me. He doesn't move, just holds his shaft in place inside of me while I feel everything, the bite of the claps tugging every time I whither, the harsh vibrator on my clit, the corkscrew dildo. I come again, screaming behind the gag but again nothing changes except Christian's slow thrusting, I barely get over my high before I'm coming again. No more, I think this is really going to be death by orgasm here!

After my fourth earth shattering orgasm I am ready to scream like a siren and give Christian hell for this but when I feel him still and I hit my fifth orgasm everything is heightened. I feel his seed spurting as I scream behind the bar. The dildo is uncorked from my behind, each clip holding my pussy lips open is tugged off before Christian pulls out of me. It takes me a few minutes to come down and when I finally open my eyes I'm free of all restraints, I have my sight back, my hearing back and I am in Christian's arms on the floor.

"Did you enjoy that?"

"Hmm." I reply not able to say anything but still debating whether I did enjoy that or not.

"We'll talk about it in the morning. I'm going to carry you to bed now." He says quietly and giving my consent I just snuggle up in his chest and allow him to carry me away.


	29. Chapter 29

**Tuesday 30th April 2013**

After a bought of morning sickness and a quick shower and change Christian and I collect India from Grace and Carrick's and go shopping. We make our way to Once upon a time on Queen Anne children's store and I think both India and I are captivated as soon as we walk in.

Christian has India on his hip as we begin browsing with getting toy musical instruments mainly in mind.

The place is like a maze and around every corner it's another room filled with toys and clothing for children of all ages and all sizes. I am captured by some of the children's clothes and happily take some in my arms making Christian laugh, I know he loves it when I spend so I'm giving him what he wants. I love spending on clothes for India, it's like playing dress up when you were younger and she always looks so adorable in little dresses.

As I lose Christian and India who have tracked down the musical toys my eyes fall on a beautiful double buggy and I can't help but smile. I'll need one of those in a few months ready for baby number two's arrival. Once again everything changes but you know, I'm getting quite used to that notion now.

As I spot a beautiful baby blanket and wanting to be the first to buy something for the new baby my phone rings and my belly backflips when the caller ID shows Doctor Greene.

"Hello?" I answer my voice shaking with the nerves.

"Hey Ana, just calling to let you know the result is back and yes it's positive."

"Oh my God. Thank you." I say already smiling, there's definitely another Grey on the way!

"I've put you down for an appointment next week on Tuesday so we can get you started on the vitamins, my guess is you'll pretty much do everything like last time?"

"Yes." There's no question about anything there, I want the same midwife, same doctors who all were amazing when I gave birth to India.

"Ok good, so I'll see you ten am Tuesday. Have a good day Ana."

"You too Doctor Greene." I say grinning at Christian who has approached with India.

"Well?" He asks a scared smile on his face. I just nod and he pulls me into his side and kisses me making India get all excited. "You hear that India you're going to be a big sister." He whispers into India's ear making me giggle, she has no idea what that means but that doesn't matter!

"A fairy outfit?" I ask seeing Christian holding the cheap pink material with wings.

"Yes India saw it and went berserk so I thought she'd like it."

"Ok." I say knowing that I would never win an argument here. "Got everything?"

"Yeah let's pay." He says leading me to the checkout.

After leaving the toy store we head out to by our bikes as tomorrow we're going cycling along Elliot Bay bike path. We arrive at Gregg's Cycles and I leave Christian to talking with the sales assistant while I browse. I know nothing about bikes but I do remember the old one that Ray fixed up for me when I was about six, it took my about a year to learn how to ride without stabilizers and I rode every summer until I was about eleven and then everyone had scooters and Ray bought me a scooter for Christmas that year.

"Baby seen anything you like?" Christian asks coming up behind me.

"Not really, I wasn't really paying much attention to the bikes I was thinking about my first bike, Ray kind of found an old frame and put it together for me… I loved that bike."

"Well the guy thinks for what we want we could go for any bike so if you see one you like then it's yours. I was wondering though which one of us should have India on the bike." He looks nervous and I shrug. "I'd be ok having her." That's his way of saying he'd prefer if he had her and I nod, that's fine by me.

I eventually choose a low pink cruiser bike that looks like fun to ride and Christian chooses something similar in black. The seat he's buying for India could attach to either bicycle and both Christian and I are show how to put it on and take it off though I think it will probably stay on Christian's bike because hopefully by the time our second child is old enough to go on the back of a bike India will be able to ride her own bike, or a tricycle if we're really realistic.

We make it home before lunch and Christian and India together unpack the musical instruments in the Piano room while I get on with making lunch for us all and after lunch we all go into the piano room together and spend the afternoon making music… or a lot of noise along to nursery rhymes anyhow.

**Wednesday 1st May 2013**

After another long fight with morning sickness and a decent breakfast we're off on our little cycling trip. Taylor has been brought in to drive us and the bikes which arrived last night to the path but then we're on our own till he picks us up at Christian's request.

I'm dressed in my running cropped trousers and white tank by Stella McCartney and Adidas with my trainers and sunglasses, Christian's in a pair of navy blue shorts and a grey hoody and India looks just adorable in the pink Burberry tracksuit Mia bought her with Gold ugg boots and a little sun hat.

We get to the Elliot Bay Trail just after eleven am and set off quickly. The sun is shining and there are a lot of people around but we take it slow and just cruise. India seems to love it, she's gurgling happily in her little seat behind Christian and it makes me smile. Whenever I cast a glance at her though Christian's eyes catch mine even though are sunglasses and I know he's glaring at me, telling me without words to keep my eyes ahead.

We stop to eat on a picnic blanket at Myrtle Edwards Park. India is happy being out in the sunshine and eats all her lunch before enjoying half a bottle of formula, all the while Christian checks his emails.

"Anything interesting?" I ask as India takes the bottle from me to drink herself, she's becoming far too independent for my liking, I wish she could stay my little baby for ever.

"They want us in to record the video for beneath your beautiful on Sunday." He says grumbling.

"Why Sunday?"

"To get it done." He says giving nothing away as to what else it truly is.

"Sunday's fine with me." I say as if my opinion counts.

"What about it being family week?"

"We have nothing planned for Sunday only your parents coming for dinner. Carrie's back Saturday I'm sure she won't mind having India." I reply and he sighs. "What's wrong?"

"I'm nervous." He admits making me smile.

"That's a good thing, remember my video?" He nods while waiting for me to continue. "Yeah well I was terrified, and I'm nervous for this one two. Tell me what have they got planned?"

"They want it real simple, me by the piano to open then you in a ball gown singing your bit off to the left surrounded by candlelight then I come behind you and we sing together."

"That sounds pretty straight forward." I say thinking about some of the music videos I've studied recently.

"Yeah they think we should be able to do it in three takes with three cameras filming at once."

"Then let's get it done on Sunday." I tell him. "It's done then Christian, we can just sit back and enjoy it then."

"Ok." He says before taking out his blackberry and my guess is, replying.

When we get back to the house we're all exhausted and I know that my muscles are going be protesting tomorrow but it's been a wonderful day and I enjoy cooking dinner for my family while they sit by the table with Christian reading a big board book to India who just tries to steal it and eat it. I really do have the perfect family.


	30. Chapter 30

**I don't own the song in this chapter, all rights to those who they belong I'm using it for entertainment purposes only, this is a work of fiction. Song – There you'll be by Faith Hill**

**Thursday 2nd May 2013**

It's been two years since Christian and I met today. It makes me smile when I think of everything we've been through in the past two years and the way we've come out on top. It's a shame he isn't working or I'd surprise him at GEH with office sex but as he's not I wake him up with a blow job before my morning sickness kick in.

After breakfast we play with the music instruments for an hour to let our stomachs settle before taking India into the pool in the house, sadly all the courses for the type of training I want India to have are either half way through or already full and nope even the Grey name isn't enough to get us in.

India really has grown to love the water and it's great having her in her little floater and Christian and I pushing her from one to the other, she giggles and laughs the entire time.

After we get out of the pool and have lunch we cuddle up to watch movies and encourage India to walk around, she's nearly there now and it's so exciting to know soon she'll be running us up the walls!

I'm surprised when I take India up to get ready for bed and find Christian in our bedroom having run a bath.

"I'm going to do the bedtime routine and you're going to relax. My treat to you." He says before kissing my nose.

"Oh will you meet me in my study afterwards?" I ask him and he frowns. "Please?"

"Ok." He says suspiciously and I giggle before walking off. I hope I'm doing a good thing.

I wrote a song while we were in London, it's from me to Christian sort of. I don't know if it's any good and I don't play an instrument but a piano app on my phone was good to work out notes that go together, I used to play the clarinet years ago, I doubt I'd still be able to play but I still remember how to read music, go in the gaps an on the lines and I remember them like this "face" and "every good boy deserves football". I'm hoping if the song is good enough then Tito can work on the music for it and I can have the song on my album… let's not get ahead of ourselves.

After my bath I change into my silk night gown and pull on a matching floor length robe and I grab one of my scarffs before meeting my husband in my study. He has a glass of wine for himself and a glass of apple juice for me.

"India asleep?"

"Before her head hit the pillow." He smiles as he hands me my drink. "Now what's this about."

"I need you to sit on the couch." I tell him and he quickly does as I asked. "Now I'm going to blindfold you only because… well I don't want to you to look at me."

"Ok?" He says questioningly but he doesn't stop me from tying my scarf around his head taking away his vision.

"Now, I wrote this in London. I don't know if it's any good, you can tell me if it is or it isn't but seeing as we met two years today I thought it would be a gift of sorts from me to you." I explain as I stand in front of him, my solitary audience. He gives a small nod and I pull up the lyrics on my phone and take a cleansing breath to try and calm my nerves.

It's strange how much more nervous I am in front of just Christian than I was when I did Britain's Got Talent.

"When I think back on these times, And the dreams we left behind. I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get, to have you in my life." My voice is shaking, this song is a slow romantic song in my head, I hope it will be if Tito does the music for it too.

"When I look back on these days, I'll look and see your face, You were right there for me." I relax a little more, feeling the words and their meaning. I wrote this with only Christian in my mind, his love for me and my love for him.

"In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky. In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life." I do some fancy trills and hope they sound ok, they sound fine to me and they sounded fine when I recorded myself on my cell phone in my library in London during some downtime that I had, I have Kristin to thank for teaching me how to make my voice change quickly like that, she was a great mentor.

"I'll keep a part of you with me, And everywhere I am there you'll be And everywhere I am there you'll be." The song does go pretty high and I do have to strain but I remember Kristin teaching me to project and how much easier the note came along with what I've learned is a vibrato which is where the voice shakes back and forth between two very close notes very quickly.

"Well you showed me how it feels, To feel the sky with in my reach, And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me." I'm lost in the song but I know he's taken his blindfold off, I can feel those beautiful grey eyes of his watching me as I sing but I'm too lost in the song to look back at him or give him any indication that I know he's cheated.

"Your love made me make it through, Oh I owe so much to you, You were right there for me." I sway my hips a little and tap my foot and bend my knee to music that's only ever going to be in my head. I can't help but wonder how close to what I imagine Tito could do to this song.

"In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky, In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life, I'll keep a part of you with me, And everywhere I am there you'll be." I brace myself for the next bit, I don't know what came over me when it came into my head but the song speeds up a little and the ending notes are giant, like huge!

"Cause I always saw in you my light, my strength, And I wanna thank you now for all the ways

You were right there for me, You were right there for me… Aaaaaaaaaalwayyyyyyys!" I feel myself hit the note I want and I worry a little about waking India because it's really projected and I almost feel it vibrating off the walls. I can sense Christian's eyes burning into me with desire and something else, something I don't recognise but I won't look, because then I'll lose my nerve.

"You were right there for me, In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky, In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife, I'll keep a part of you with me, And everywhere I am there you'll be, And everywhere I am there … you'll beeeee…" I finish and my eyes pop open and slowly meet Christian's.

He looks… shocked? Is that shock on his face.

"Ana." He breathes beckoning me over as I pant coming down from my personal high, the notes are hard and take my breath away, it almost feels like I've ran hard and fast and then come to an instant stop. "Wow." He whispers as he pulls me onto his knee, he slips my phone out of my hand and I take a long sip of my juice. "That was… amazing… I love it… I love you." He says rubbing his nose along my cheek. I smile, I know he wouldn't say that for the sake of it, he means every word.

"Thank you."

"No don't thank me, thank you Ana that song… wow… you need to record it on your cell or something and send it to Tito get him to work on some music for it and get it on the album, that song… wow… I always saw you sticking to pretty simple upbeat tracks… that I can see you in a ball dress looking magnificent with all those beautiful big notes… fuck where did those notes come from Ana…" He looks at me and I just shrug. I don't know where they came from, I really have no idea but I feel them when I sing, I feel love for him every time I sing it and I guess that might have a little something to do with it.

"Christian…"

"What baby?" He still looks completely shell shocked.

"Make love to me." I tell him quietly and he smiles softly.

"With pleasure." He says taking my glass from me to make love to me right there on the couch in my study.

* * *

**Friday 3rd May 2013**

Christian has decided to take India and I to Portland in Charlie Tango. I sit in the back with her in case she hates it but nope India loves being in Daddy's helicopter and laughs every time Christian or I speak seeing as she's wearing her own headset. Her gurgling makes Christian and I laugh too as it sounds so funny coming through the head set.

Our first stop is Portland Arial Tram. We have our own driver and something tells me Christian organised this at the start of the week sometime because he seems to have a plan in place that included a driver with a car seat for India and a light stroller that she's comfortable in but I know is a popular brand and not very expensive, my guess is though Christian checked out its safety standard and my guess is it will go to goodwill after today.

We're dropped off at the start of the tram and Christian gets our tickets from the machine while I take India in my arms out of her car seat.

We take a round trip together and Christian tries his best not to swear that we don't have a cart to ourselves but I don't mind and India loves standing on my lap with her nose up against the glass. It's truly a spectacular view going up.

After our ride it's a ten minute drive to the ladybug theatre where India happily sits watching the creative Characters, she claps along and sings and wiggles happily on Christian's lap, turns out they do a workshop afterwards but India's a little too young so we head out.

We eat at an Italian bistro which isn't too kid friendly and Christian makes note never to come here again, as do I. I understand some places aren't suitable for kids but during the day they should be more accommodating. India is a well behaved child, she doesn't cry very much and yeah ok she babbles a lot but she isn't noisy!

Once we've eaten it's to Mimosa Studios to paint our own pottery. Christian wants something India has made on his desk at the office and this was his solution, he's just too cue for words sometimes! After getting messy and painting Christian pays for our creations to be sent on to Seattle so we don't have to wait around for them before we're off for home.

India is out for the count before we even get in the house, she doesn't even stir when we change her into her pyjamas and get her into bed and I'm quick to follow. I'm exhausted but I've had a wonderful day.

* * *

**Saturday 4th May 2013**

Today we're having a home day, which means we've got no plans on leaving the house at all. Christian's gotten his video camera and his Nikon out with India and I am content going between reading and watching them interact. It's quite funny when she loses interest in him and goes off and does her own thing and he spends ages trying to re-engage her with a different activity.

He's truly an amazing father. I love watching him with India and this past week has been amazing, I wish it could always be like this, even though I must admit I am starting to get a bit bored and am looking forward to getting back to my work.

Next week I'm working from home and I have given Carrie the week off and she's decided to go to visit everyone in Fairfax, see how her old patients are doing and so on while I work in my study and try and be a Mom… I already know it's going to be a challenge!

It's after lunch and India's standing with her hands on my knees. I've been playing pat-a-cake with her for the past ten minutes but now she's more interested in Christian who has his video camera on and calling her over.

Neither of us expected the moment she would take her first three unaided steps. We both are gawping when she falls flat onto her bum only to crawl to Christian who kisses her and makes her stand again.

"Now walk to Mommy." He demands in his CEO voice making me chuckle, oh if only that worked!

She kind of looks at me and I smile and try beckoning to her, Christian I know wants India to develop quickly and I know she is walking a little early but she's been standing with aide for a while now which has strengthened her legs, I will have to talk to Grace about it tomorrow just to make sure we're not doing her damage by encouraging her to walk now.

"Come to Mommy baby." I say my hands calling to her.

She holds onto Christian's finger and takes two steps forward before letting go. She stands still, wobbles a little before somehow finding the balance to take four steps before falling right into my grasp.

"Yeah! Well done baby!" I cheer standing and wiggling her in the air making her giggle. "Oh you're so clever." I say nuzzling her belly.

"See if she'll do it again Ana." Christian says from behind the camera and I know he is ecstatic that not only India's walking but also we got to witness it and catch it on film.

"Ok India." I say planting her on her feet. "Walk to Daddy baby girl."

She has a tight grip on my fingers and does as she did with Christian, the concentration on her face is adorable, her little tongue pokes out between her lips and a frown mares her beautiful face, her blue eyes squinting.

"Come here India." Christian demands and just like that she let's go of my fingers and takes slow steps not to Christian but she tries to go past him before he grabs her and stops her, I would hate for her to fall near the fire place and hit her head on it. I know that she's not allowed in this room unsupervised and she's barely in here anyhow but I would like to get those sharp corners covered and maybe put loads of pillows on it while she's in here walking with us, Christian moved the coffee table off to the edge earlier this morning for space to play but I don't think either of us thought about the danger of the fire place.

Sadly, India loses interest in walking as quick as she found it and Christian eventually figures out that she's really not going to do anymore today.

* * *

**Sunday 5th May 2013**

Christian and I arrive at the studio at exactly ten am. How? I have no idea! Between morning sickness and a clingy India we were behind with everything, but we're here now and we're ready to get this underway.

Christian's outfit is a white shirt without a tie, the two top buttons undone, his sleeves rolled up with black trousers and black shoes. My outfit? Oh no I don't get simple, I get a beautiful dark blue Sherri Hill evening gown, all chiffon and flowing with sequins around the breast line. My hair is curled loosely and my makeup simple as I normally would wear it with a little extra on my eyes to make it pop.

We're given a summary of how the video is going to look with drawn frames and then it's straight into recording. Apparently it had been set up for us to record last week as the record goes out at midnight tonight, so they hope to have us done by lunch time, three pm at the latest so they can get the video edited and emailed out by midnight… shit if I'd know we could have found time in the week to come and do this, I don't like the idea of these guys working all night to get this out.

I get to watch as Christian records his bit at the huge white grand piano. He looks in his element as he plays and mimes along to the song playing in the background.

"You tell all the boys no makes you feel good yeah. I know you're out of my league, but that won't scare me away oh no. you've carried on so long, you couldn't stopped if you tried it. You've built your walls so high that no one could climb it, but I'm gonna try. Would you let me see beneath your beautiful? Would you let me see beneath your perfect? Take it off now girl, take it off now girl, I wanna see inside, would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight."

It isn't until he stops playing and the track stops that I realise that he wasn't even really playing, or he was but there was nothing coming out of the piano. They record this section four times with three cameras and then it's time to go into my bit.

I stand at a silver crystalized mic stand and mime along to the track, feeling the emotions I felt when I recorded this song with Christian. The black background is a stark contrast to everything else and I smile when a lot of tiny little white lights come down from the ceiling so they're dangling freely around me, the chords are green screened and I know they'll be gone in the video.

"You let all the girls go, makes you feel good don't it. Behind your broadway show, I heard a voice say please don't hurt me." Christian comes up behind me and strokes me as I sing. "You've carried on so long you couldn't stop if you tried it, you built your walls so high that no one could climb it but I'm gonna try. Would you let me, see beneath your beautiful? Would you let me see beneath your perfect? Take it off now boy, take it off now boy, I wanna see inside, would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?"

After recording this section a few times which causes me to become flushed and horny with Christian stroking his hands all over me while I have to just carry on singing passionately with the song pretending he's not there, it's time to get rid of the microphone so it's just Christian and I.

We quickly do all the fancy trills in the instrumental bit and then we're toe to toe, looking deep into each other's eyes for the bridge.

"I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower, I'll hold your hand and we'll jump right out, we'll be falling, falling, but that's ok."

"Because I'll be right here."

"I just wanna know."

"Would you let me see beneath your beautiful."

"Would you let me see beneath your perfect, take it off now boy/girl take it off now boy/girl."

The end of the song literally is me and Christian singing different things over each other most of the time.

To finish Christian plays the end of the song a few times on the microphone and we make it out of the studio by two pm.

"Why couldn't we have gone into the studio in the week?" I ask as we head for home, Christian's been a little withdrawn all day and in all honesty it's starting to piss me off.

"I didn't want them to release the song as an individual single." He grumbles. "I just wanted it on your album."

"Why?" I don't understand his logic.

"Because with it being a stand-alone single they want us both to go places and promote it, taking even more time away from business, at least when you're the one doing everything I can focus on work even if I'm not at the office." He says.

"You own the company Christian, if you don't want to do any promoting then we won't." I say with a shrug.

"Don't you want it to be successful?"

"Well yeah but…"

"Well yeah exactly, we'll do stuff Ana just maybe not too much?" He's asking me but I agree, I don't want to do too much with this single so I nod.

"Ok, if anything comes into your mail box talk to me first, maybe we can do things that don't require us to be away overnight and nothing two nights in a row? Always coming home to our own beds?"

"Ok deal." I smile, that's an easy one for me to deal on.


	31. Chapter 31

**I don't own the songs in this chapter, I am using them only for entertainment purposes **

**Thursday 9th May 2013**

A lot has happened in the last four days, and I mean a lot. Starting with Monday Christian went back to work while he was ambushed by the press, the song has gotten a lot of popularity with a lot of women especially, women who want Christian not that I'm jealous or anything. Of course there's also the fact that Christian wrote it and is playing piano in the video, things no one knew about him before.

Me on the other hand, I didn't go back to work technically, I stayed at home with India while working in the study and I found how difficult I would find it to work from home, it would drive me completely crazy and I can't wait to get into the studio on Monday once more.

I smile at Christian who still looks nervous, we're on the jet heading to Los Angeles where we're singing on American Idol tonight. He and I agreed on doing very little publicity for the song but this is a must simply because I need Ryan Seacrest's help and he said he would only help me if I did this for him.

What do I need Ryan's help with? Well on Monday I decided that I was going to put on a Charity Concert and record a Charity Single to raise money for Carla's Cancer Trust and I called Ryan to ask him help me recruit celebrities to be involved, he said he would on the condition Christian and I would sing Beneath Your Beautiful on Idol.

Kristin and I are the only two definite yeses for my charity single, I've chosen a song and we've been given the rights to use it but the singer, Avril Lavigne, said no to joining us. It's a shame but if she doesn't want to then she doesn't want to, I just hope Ryan makes good on my deal and gives me lots of celebrities willing to give up their time for free not only to record a single and video but also to put on a concert. Hannah and her assistant have been working on getting us a good place to do it, we need somewhere big because I want this concert to be huge.

Also this week I received two pieces of music with Lila singing. One is a beautiful song called here you come again which is slow with an almost country twang to it and then the second is a song called fly on the wall which is crazy up beat. I'll be recording them next week along with the music Tito has put to There you'll be which is better than anything I imagined it to be.

We've also gained the rights to record the song Misfit for my album. I was excited when I heard because I've always loved that song and it was the first song Christian ever heard me sing too! He was the one who chose it for the album.

So now we have six songs for the album which apparently will have 8 main tracks and three bonus, one of which will be an acoustic version of Cinderella which I'm looking forward to record.

Of course there has been some bad press about my uh performance on Britain's Got Talent. Actually, there's been a lot, not as much as there could have been but let's just say hate mail from Mom's groups isn't fun to read, I've been called a bad influence on India and all the children of American and the title "Seattle's Sweetheart" should be changed to "Seattle's slut" because apparently it's far more appropriate.

At first it all horrified me. I cried and was disappointed with myself for listening to Simon Cowell until Christian and Hannah both ganged up and me and showed me the good press behind the performance which was considerably more in comparison to the bad press and so I took this into consideration in choosing my outfit tonight with the help of Caroline Acton who has had a few dresses and outfits in mind for these types of moments ever since she saw the clip on YouTube.

We land in Los Angeles and a stretch limo picks us up to take us to the Nokia Theatre where tonight's final three will perform. I must admit I'm quite excited to be singing with Christian live tonight, in front of America! My biggest audience and his first, I hope he'll relax and enjoy it, I don't want him to hate it.

Once at the Nokia Theatre it's straight into the back and into our shared dressing room. I hang up our clothes while Christian checks out the gift basket and gets us both a drink from the mini fridge. A knock on the door reveals Ryan Seacrest.

"Hello, you know Mia's looking for you." I tell him, Mia insisted on coming with us and as soon as we gave her her pass for the theatre she was off looking for Seacrest.

"I told her to meet me here in a text." He says looking into the corridor for her. "I hope she isn't lost."

"I'm sure she's fine." Christian says dropping onto the couch.

"Ok so I have your schedule here. You've got a sound check and rehearsal in half an hour. I've had the stage set similar to what you explained you'd do so just check if everything's ok, if not maybe try changing it up a bit and thanks for doing this Ana." He surprises me by hugging me and I give him a small awkward back tap before he let's go. "I'll go find Mia." He says before disappearing.

When it's time for our rehearsal we're taken to get our ear pieces fixed and are given our plain black microphones, it's actually weird to hold after being used to holding crystallised ones. When we're show the stage I'm gobsmacked, it's unbelievable. The stage has a stage on it, a long one, on one end a piano and on the other end nothing, in the middle a large circle and then a forward catwalk with a circle again on the end. It looks like glass!

"Well good luck." I say kissing Christian as he goes towards the piano, he flashes me a wink and a panty dropping smile before I turn and walk off to the side. What I find just off the stage shocks me, it's Mia and Ryan with their tongues down each other's throats.

"Guys." I say bringing their attention to me but they don't break their arms from being weaved around their bodies.

I don't get a chance to say anymore as Christian's voice hits my ear through my ear piece and I stand just where the stairs start off the stage on the stage. I can't see Christian from here which is a shame but I love being able to hear him perfectly in my ear.

There are four backing singers off the stage on the stage, either side of the forward catwalk. Gosh this is such a production, I hope it doesn't ruin what is a very beautiful song.

When Christian finish his chorus I walk up the steps and I meet him in the middle singing, he looks relaxed and calm, I hope he looks like this tonight. He plays up the emotions of the song well and I think that's because he wrote them meaning each and every one of them.

I sing to him, when I'm not feeling the emotion by screwing my eyes shut my eyes are on his and he looks back at me. When the bridge comes on a blast of hair hits between my legs.

"What the hell?" I ask as Christian chuckles and tries to sing. I come back to it trying to ignore the wind that's messing up my hair.

After when it slows again I take Christian's hand and we walk forward and when we get to the second podium more cold air hits right at us blowing my hair everywhere making Christian chuckle, I hope they can do something to stop this tonight.

The air slows down as the music does and it continues just low until the music stops.

We spend the rest of the afternoon agreeing on hair and makeup before we're taken for dinner. There's no sign of Ryan and Mia and I wonder what they're up to. She hasn't stopped talking about him to me and I think she may actually be falling for him, it's nothing like she was with Ethan and I do worry that Ryan doesn't feel the same.

In saying that he's invited her to stay with him LA so she's not flying back with us tonight. Yes, we're flying back tonight so we get to wake up at home with our baby girl in the morning. I like that, no hotel, no overnight deal.

We get to watch some of the show from our dressing room. I'm actually uncomfortable in my outfit. It's a black leotard, strapless, completely crystalized in black except for around the breasts which are orange crystals and a wide belt of sorts in orange crystals. It then has a huge black net train that comes from the front centre and splits out to the sides and it's all curled at the bottom. I chose it because it was different and I thought and Caroline agreed that it combined sexy and elegant, the split means I can move it from sexy to elegant, it doesn't restrict my movement which was important to me, singing and walking in a ball gown … little clumsy old me couldn't handle it.

* * *

CHRISTIAN'S POV

Ana and I go our different ways just as we're introduced. I walk up to the piano in darkness and the lights come on really low. It's actually quite beautiful I suspect from the audience. I flex my fingers and take a deep breath before my fingers begin to touch the ivory keys of the grand piano, it's not that grand in all honesty, mine in Escala is far better than this one.

"You tell all the boys no, makes you feel good, yeah." This line actually refers to Ana being a virgin when I met her, this song is actually about our first few weeks together not our present and I know Ana knows that though she has never asked.

"I know you're out of my league, but that won't scare me away oh no." It really fucking didn't, Ana was someone I shouldn't have been able to touch, she was superior to me in all the ways that mattered but it didn't stop me from chasing her and eventually getting her.

"You've carried don so long, you couldn't stop if you tried it." That line is about her self-confidence, even when I met her she seemed so confident but then I found out she wasn't and she doubted herself and she's doubted herself for so long she doesn't know how to have faith in herself, even tonight I caught her looking in the mirror, her bottom lip between her teeth and a frown on her brow when I told her she looked amazing she just shrugged, she didn't believe me.

"You've built your walls so high, that no one could climb it… but I'm going to try…" And I did try and succeed, she eventually let me in just like I let her in to my heart and soul.

"Would you let me see beneath your beautiful? Would you let me see beneath your perfect?" I always knew on the outside she was beautiful and she was perfect but as soon as I realised I wanted more I realised I wanted to see more than just her outer beauty, I wanted to see her inner beauty, she does have a beautiful soul but I wanted to see it all, her insecurities, her fears and yeah eventually she let me.

"Take it off now girl, take it off now girl, I wanna see inside, would you let me, see beneath your beautiful tonight."

I let go of the keys of the piano and take the microphone from its stand just in time to see Ana climbing up the stairs. She looks so fucking hot and I have to think of the thousands of people watching to avoid getting a hard on right here. Her blue eyes are just dazzling beneath thick black make up, her hair is all up in a big up do with just a few strands framing her beautiful face.

She holds the microphone in the hand that faces the audience while her other hand guides the train of her dress so she won't fall, I see her long legs and I want to run my fingers up them slowly… shit enough Grey or you'll be like a rock and everyone will know it!

"You let all the girls go, makes you feel good, don't it?" She knows that this is talking about all the women who just see this face of mine, but maybe I don't feel so good about the subs but Ana was my first everything other than first sexual experience and yeah that makes me feel good that she was my first vanilla.

She arrives in front of me and I run my hand down her cheek, I can't resist and I love how she rubs it into my hand while singing.

"Behind your Broadway show, I heard a voice say please don't hurt me." I see the pain in her face with these lines. She understands that by "Broadway show" I mean the person I let everyone see, the CEO and multi-billionaire but she did hear how hurt I was, she saw that it was all an act. "You've carried on so long, you couldn't stop if you tried it." I didn't think then that I could, I didn't think there was any way I could let Anastasia in. "You've built your walls so high that no one could climb it, but I'm gonna try." She fucking tried and succeeded and I love that about her so much, she could have given up on me but she didn't and now we have this amazing marriage and a daughter… I never thought I could have any of this, fuck look what she's done to me I'm on stage singing a song I wrote for us with her, I wouldn't have ever dared do anything like this if it wasn't for her. I wouldn't have wanted to but for Ana I wanted to.

"Would you let me see beneath your beautiful? Would you let me see beneath your perfect? Take it off now boy, take it off now boy, I wanna see inside, would you let me, see beneath your beautiful tonight?" Here I'm talking about the beauty and perfection everyone else saw, again it's the act. I never got any bad press before and everyone thought I was the ultimate bachelor but inside I wasn't and I let Ana see that eventually but even after that she stayed and fucking married me.

She looks so beautiful when she sings, I see her disappear in her eyes, her mind goes somewhere else and she feels every beat and every word of the song.

The wind machine comes on and Ana's dress raises into the air like a huge cape, it looks amazing! I try not to look surprised as she sings the long trilled I's.

"I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower, I'll hold your hand and we can jump right out." Her hand clicks with mine and I give her a squeeze, I don't think she even realises it as she steps even closer to me. "We'll be fallin', fallin', but that's ok, cause I'll be right here I just wanna know…"

"Would you let me see beneath your beautiful? Would you let me see beneath your perfect?" We walk forward and as I told Ana too she sings this bit completely with me, naturally harmonising me, how the fuck does she do that no one taught her too, she just does it, I do believe this is what she's supposed to do and I fucking hope someday she'll believe me. "Take it off now girl, take it off now girl cause I wanna see inside." We arrive on the front podium and the wind kicks up again, my jacket floats behind me as I extend an arm to help me hit the higher notes, Ana's dress flies behind us like a background of its own.

"Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight?"

"Ohhhohhh ohhoohh" Ana sings half bent over hitting the notes beautifully one hand behind her somewhere giving her leverage."

"Oh tonight."

"See beneath your beautiful."

"Oh tonight."

"We ain't perfect, we ain't perfect."

"Would you let…"

"Let me?"

"See beneath your beautiful tonight?"

Her chest ends up against my chest at the end as the piano fades out. Cheers erupt around us but for the moment Ana and I are caught in our own bubble. It takes a hell of a lot of restraint not to kiss her here, I won't embarrass her.

We look out to the audience and they're on their feet as well as the judges, Ana is laughing beside me as she grips tight to my hand.

"Why don't you two love birds come down here?" Ryan suggests. I slide down quick and then help Ana off the three foot platform, she laughs when I put her on the floor and wrap an arm around her.

* * *

ANA'S POV

"So that was Beneath Your Beautiful by Ana feat Christian Grey which is available to buy or download now. So Ana I made you a promise and I believe Mariah Carey has something she would like to say to you."

I'm still shaking with adrenaline as I turn to look out at the judges' table finding Mariah Carey looking just amazing behind the desk.

"Ana that was a beautiful performance, both of you that song is wonderful."

"Thank you." I say smiling up at Christian.

"So I heard you're planning a charity single and concert for your charity which supports families of cancer victims right?"

"That's right." I nod looking confused.

"Well you can count me in." She says making my eyes almost pop out of my head.

"Wow! Thank you so much."

"I'll email you." She adds as I grin.

"Ana." I look at Nicki Minaj. "I'm in." My mouth just pops open, I'm totally shocked when I hear Keith Urban cough.

"You can count me in." He says making tears fill my eyes, at the start of the week I feared only Kristin and I could do it but now I have five people.

"Thank you so much." I say as Christian wraps an arm around my shoulder and gives me a squeeze.

"Ana there's one more person who would like to speak to you." Ryan says with his finger telling me to turn around. A huge image of Simon Cowell comes up on screen and the audience go wild. "Hello everyone, hello Ana, Christian."

"Is it live?" I ask Ryan and he nods, it's not a VT then.

"Ana I heard that about your charity single and concert and I think you're doing something amazing for something close to your heart. To show there's no hard feelings about what happened here last time I have a list of names for you including, One direction, Leona Lewis, Cher Lloyd, Phillip Phillips, Kelly Clarkson and Jordin Sparks. I'll email you it all tomorrow."

I am crying, embarrassingly so as I know I have Mascara tracks on my face now.

"Well done on a beautiful performance and my offer stands, any time you change your mind get in touch. Bye now." And like that he's gone.

"I told you I'd do something." Ryan laughs and I hug him tight, he really did say he would do something and damn he did! "So there we have Ana and Christian!" He says once I've let him go which allows Christian and I to leave the stage quickly.

I'm still in shock as I change into my jeans and a tank top. My concert, the single, it could really happen! I can't believe it! These past few days I thought I was dreaming too big and that there was no way I could do this and now… now I know I can!


	32. Chapter 32

**I don't own the songs in this chapter, I am using them only for entertainment purposes **

**Thursday 16th May 2013**

I stand awkwardly at the arrivals lounge at sea-tac hidden behind my too large for my face sunglasses. I know Sawyer isn't far from me but Mia was desperate for me to be here to greet her back from LA so here I am.

The past week has been pretty uneventful. I've recorded There You'll Be and Fly on the Wall for the album as well as laid down some of Misfit, we also have a release date for the tenth of June which is exciting.

Of course the biggest news of the week for Christian and I came this morning. Beneath Your Beautiful has shot to the top of the Billboard Hot 100 which has shocked us both and there were a few flower deliveries to the house this morning congratulating us.

"Ana!" Mia squeals, I groan and hope there are no paparazzi around to capture our reunion, her announcement of my name across the arrivals lounge means that my anonymity has been shot.

"Hey Mia." I grin as she hugs me tight. "How are you?"

"I'm good right then let's go for lunch because I have so much to tell you!" She says in her usual flamboyant self, I must admit she always puts a smile on my face even though sometimes I find her too much.

"Ok how does the Mile High Club sound?" I ask seeing as I'm really not dressed for lunch and would prefer something familiar.

"Sure, anywhere is good I just need your advice on some things." She says.

After departing Sea-Tac Mia becomes unusually quiet, peering out of the window as if she has a lot on her mind. I decide not to badger her and my guess is whatever it is on her mind she wants to discuss with me over lunch.

I must admit I quite like that Mia feels she can confide in me though I also understand it could lead to some difficulties in my marriage to her brother especially as our policy is now no secrets and communication at all times.

Once at the club I sit down and I order sparkling water for both Mia and I, she doesn't comment on my lack of ordering wine thankfully and once we have our drinks and our food order is placed Mia decides to open up.

"Ryan proposed." Or just spit it out.

"What?"

She sheepishly lifts her hand from beneath the table and I am gobsmacked that I missed the ring on her finger. It's stunning and very Mia, a deep dark pink rock in the middle surrounded by two layers of small white stones then the band itself is covered in diamonds too, this is a very expensive looking ring.

"You said yes?" I ask and she nods and smiles brightly, she really is smitten. "Wow congratulations Mia." I smile, I am happy for her even though I can name four people who are going to go fucking thermonuclear when they find out.

"It's why I'm home right now, to break the news and pack up to move to LA but there's so much more to tell you." She says as the food is laid in front of us.

"There's more?" I ask gobsmacked.

"Yeah uh… I met someone."

"Another someone?" I ask confused.

"I met my brother."

"Your brother?" I choke out.

"Yeah a biological brother, I know it's him because when I turned eighteen I asked Carrick for the information on my biological family and I found out I had a little brother and two little sisters on my Mom's side, his name is Wayne and he's nineteen and his sisters… my sister are Clare and Laura and they're sixteen and fourteen respectively."

"Can I ask about your birth parents?" I ask sheepishly, I don't know how to approach this topic.

"Yes of course, my Mom was fourteen when she fell pregnant with me but she never disclosed who my father was, their family is catholic so abortion was out of the question so their option was adoption, they wanted me to be adopted to a family out of state and my Mom's family chose Grace and Carrick, she never knew who I went to." Mia has a slight glisten of tears in her eyes when she finish and I reach over the table and clutch her hand. "I met my brother for coffee, apparently my Mom told him about me when he turned eighteen and then the second time we met he brought a photo album of his mother's, there are some pictures of me with her… oh she was so tiny Ana how can someone so small carry a baby inside of them?" She cries and I leave my seat to hug her. "Anyway Wayne decided to ask his Mom a little more about me to find out if she was willing to meet me and she said yes, I'm hoping to find out about my Dad and see if I have any more brothers or sisters out there."

"That's great Mia, I'm sure Grace and Carrick would support you too and I'm sure Christian could help you track down your father if you get him something to go off."

"I just want to know them, if I have any children I want them to know their biological cousins as well as Elliot and Christian's family. I mean Grace and Carrick will always be my Mom and Dad Ana but I'm intrigued and I want to meet my siblings more than my parents. Do you think Mom and Dad will hate me?"

"Mia they could never hate you, I'm sure they'll support you." I tell her running my fingers through her raven hair while my mind plays over something she just said.

She wants her future children to know their family completely what about my children? There's India and shrimp to think about in all of this (Christian decided this baby was a shrimp!) what would he say if I brought up finding out if he has any siblings out there, for India and Shrimp. They should be allowed to know their cousins or aunts and uncles right?

"Thanks Ana." Mia says pulling me out of my thoughts. "I should head for Mom and Dad's house and break the news to them, listen uh Ryan's coming down for the weekend and we're hoping to have a family dinner to announce to Elliot and Christian, could you not say anything until then?"

"Sure." I reply nodding, I don't want to keep anything from Christian but I understand how much this must mean for Mia too.

"Thanks Ana." She smiles giving me a big hug. "You know, you'll always be my first sister right?"

"Right." I say laughing.

After dinner I drop Mia off at Grace and Carrick's and make my excuses not to hang out. I have too much to do anyhow.

The big charity show is set for the Sixth of July and before then we've got so much to do. Tickets are already on sale but they're not selling to great yet. We are all hoping when we record the charity single next Friday and it goes out on the following Monday that the sales will double because everyone on the charity single is performing at the big show and I know that the great people of America will have confirmation of the acts seeing as the website has been saying "subject to change" and I guess people don't want to buy tickets to go to something where they might end up not seeing who they want to.

On top of all that there's my pregnancy. I'm now four weeks pregnant confirmed by Doctor Greene and so we're looking at me ending the third trimester around the show time and we're planning on telling the world as soon as we can so we get over the drama before we go on our France holiday in August, yes you got me right for two weeks in August Christian, India and I are going to France on holiday.

Of course before that there is Christian's big birthday, his 3-0 he's already been grumbling about getting old which is laughable but I have decided that I am in charge of his party and damn it he is having a party this year if it's the last thing I do and I am organising it, I've already started, I have a venue and a guest list done so that's enough for the moment.

Arriving home I scoop India into my arms and tickle her mercilessly for a while before she seems to get enough and I put her down on her legs so she can toddle off, her walking is becoming stronger every day and I know soon she will stop crawling completely and her walk will become stronger. It's sad really.

As I make myself a glass of milk I think back to my conversation with Mia. It's madness, she's getting married to Ryan Seacrest and I know it's hypocritical but I hope she has a long engagement and doesn't do like Christian and I though with how quick they've gotten engaged it wouldn't surprise me if they'll marry in a couple of weeks.

There were also her revelations about her biological family. She found herself thinking more and more about Christian's family. All she had been told about his biological family was Ella his mother, who was his father, did he know? What about Ella's parents? There had to be someone, somewhere that could tell them if there was more extended family right? And was she being selfish?

Christian has the ability to track anyone he wants to near enough, I'm sure that he knows what he needs to know even if he hasn't shared it with me. Though I understand it's his choice we do have to think about India and shrimp now, shouldn't I be privy to what he knows for when India is older, maybe India will want to track down her father's biological family when she's older.

After spending the afternoon playing with India I'm happy when Christian comes home, that is until he walks in looking like he's aged ten years and I wonder what the hell has gotten into him.

"What's wrong baby?" I ask as he takes me into his arms and holds me tight.

"We need to change, we're going to my parents' for dinner." He says looking like he's seen a ghost and that can only mean one thing.

"Ok, Why don't you go shower and I'll get India dressed?" I suggest picking up our baby girl.

"Mia wants to get married." He says running his hands through her hair. "She's fucking engaged to Seacrest." He adds and I sigh, I didn't think this would happen like this but I'm glad I don't have to keep it a secret.

"I know she told me over lunch."

"Why the fuck didn't you call me?" He yells and I glare at him, I hate him swearing so much around India and I hate it even more when he yells in front of her.

"She asked me not to say anything because she wanted to tell Grace and Carrick first. Now calm down, go shower and we'll go to your parents."

"Did you try to talk her out of it?"

"What exactly could I have said Christian?"

"They've known each other five minutes!"

"And wouldn't that have been just a little hypocritical?" I ask him my own anger flaring, I knew he wouldn't be happy about this but this is a little worse than I expected with his reaction.

"That was different." He splutters as I put a wriggling India down, she wants to play with her toys and that gives us a chance to talk.

"How was it different?" I ask him as he falls heavily onto the couch, his hands clasped, his elbows on his knees and his eyes looking straight forward.

"We were different, we were in love."

"And who are we to deny that Mia and Ryan aren't in love?" I ask quietly as I sit down beside him. "I saw the ring Christian and I googled it, Tiffany's over three hundred thousand dollars, you don't buy a ring that expensive for someone you just like when you're asking them to spend the rest of their life with you." I tell him my own hand going over his and stroking gently. "Mia loves him, I truly believe she loves him like I love you, unconditionally. Ryan on the other hand… I don't know Christian. I will speak to him if you want me to, I can do that before we leave but before you face Mia you need to be calm and talk to her, don't interrogate her or she will be on the first plane out to LA and we'll lose her."

"You're amazing you know that?" He sighs leaning his head on my shoulder.

"Why?"

"How you've just managed to calm me down." He says lifting his head to look into my eyes. "No one but you can do this to me Ana. I was ready to fucking kill him and her for this but now I can see what you mean, I can see that maybe we need to just make sure she's happy because that's important right?" He looks like my lost boy again, his grey eyes looking so sad right into my own blue ones.

"Right." I say before kissing him. "Go have a shower, think carefully about what you're going to say to Mia and if you want to talk to me more about it before we go then we can do that ok baby?"

"I love you." He says before kissing me one last time before getting off the couch and heading odd upstairs.

"Right you Miss India it is time to get you dressed to go to Grandma and Grandpa Carrick's house because your Aunt Mia has been a very silly girl." I say as I gather up my daughter and head for her bedroom.

I find it takes longer for me to choose India's clothes than it does for me to choose my own these days. I like to make sure my daughter is dressed prettily and with all her designer clothes from Mia and Kate as well as everything Christian and I buy when we "just can't resist" she has more clothes than she could possibly wear!

I eventually settle on a two toned pink dress that I bought for her last week when we were shopping at the toy store, it's not as expensive as most of her clothes but it's not exactly cheap either, well not for most people, for Christian Grey wealthy it's pennies. I style them with a pair of white tights that has pink flowers on them, a pink knit cardigan and her pink wedges.

Once she's dressed I bring her into my closet and sit her on the floor with her doll while I change into a faux wrap dress with long sleeves and a pair of black pointed toe Manolo Blahnik's.

We join Christian in the bedroom once I've tied my hair into a long sleek low side pony tail and added some makeup. He looks unbelievably delicious in an Armani suit, no tie, jacket button undone and his top two buttons undone. Yummy.

"Ready to go baby?" He asks taking India from me so I can gather my purse. I just give him a small nod and we're off on our way.

The drive to Bellevue is in quite, I can sense his brooding intensity from here, I know Mia isn't going to get it easy even if Christian now sees that maybe there is a chance that she truly loves Ryan and he truly loves her in return.

Grace as always meets us at the door but without Carrick. She looks upset, unsurprisingly so I imagine with her youngest child and only daughter announcing her engagement.

"Hello my darling." She says as she hugs me. "Now give me my granddaughter, get a glass of wine and sit down." She says ushering us into the living room.

Christian makes us both a sparkling water, skipping on the alcohol himself so as not to make it obvious but from the staring match going on between Carrick and Mia I'd be surprised if they even saw us enter.

"Well this is just lovely." I look up to see a furious looking Elliot stood next to a now slightly showing Kate. She shrugs her eyebrows before collecting her own glass of sparkling water and coming to stand beside me.

"Why don't we go to the study now and get this over with?" Mia asked sounding like a defiant teenager.

"I think it's something we should discuss as a family Mia." Carrick says, his voice deathly quiet. I'm now able to put a voice on the man Christian talks about giving fifteen year old him lectures and telling offs, I am thankful that I haven't been on the other end of that tone.

"There's nothing to discuss Dad. I've made my decision, I'm leaving for LA on Saturday, none of you can stop me, none of you can change my mind. Now you can either support me or I'll leave .now and go to a hotel." And there's Mia's stubborn streak, though she's being stubborn her voice is almost the female duplicate of Carrick's, deathly.

"None of us have said we won't support you Mia." Christian says in his own stern CEO voice. "We just want to know what the fuck your plans are with this boy before you throw away your life here."

"I wouldn't be throwing away my life here unless you're planning on disowning me. I want to live in LA with Ryan, his company is there, I'm going to use what's left of my trust fund to start my own catering company, a party catering company up there and then we're getting married in six weeks."

"Six weeks?!" Grace squeals coming into the room with India on her hip. "No chance in hell young lady! This boy hasn't even courted you."

"I was in LA with him before Ana went to London!" Mia yelled. "I love him, he loves me and fuck you let Christian and Ana marry within four weeks of their engagement!"

"They were dating longer than you and this boy and mind your language, while you are under my roof Mia you'll obey my rules do you understand?" Carrick is growling now and it's shocking.

"Not much longer." She says petulantly.

"The point is Mia no one could deny how much Ana and I were in love then and are in love now." Christian says.

"Oh so what you're the only one that can fall in love in a few weeks get married and have a happily ever after is it Christian?" She spits jumping to her feet, she's furious.

"That's not what your brother was saying Mia." Carrick says also getting to his feet. "What he means is we've only seen you with this boy once, Ana was already a part of the family when Christian asked her to marry him."

"Yes well the circumstances are different." Mia shrugs. "I don't know what the fuss is about, I've made up my mind and you either support me and let me have my wedding here like Christian and Elliot did or I go to LA and you won't even know when the wedding is until it's revealed in the press."

"Mia!" Grace gasps, she looks like she's about to faint so I'm pretty glad when she put's India down on her feet and I quickly call my baby girl over and scoop her up in my arms.

"You're all here ganging up on me, the only person who has even said congratulations is Ana. Why is it that it's Ana who cares and Ana that's supportive and not being judgemental? Because she was me, in love with someone so different to her and she was called all sorts of names from the press and public, people still call her a fucking gold digger even though she's made more money than Christian this year!" Mia is furious, her face is red and everyone is gawping at her. "All I want is for you to be happy for me!" She adds before rushing out the room and bolting upstairs.

The only noise for a few minutes is the ticking of the clock until India breaks the awkward silence by calling for Christian. He takes her from me leaving me feeling vulnerable where I had India a moment ago to give me something to focus on.

"She can't marry that prick." Elliot spits.

"We can't stop her." Grace says sadly, shaking her head, she is still in shock about Mia's threat.

"To fucking right we can, and what the fuck Ana? Congratulating her? When the fuck did you find out?"

"At…"

"Don't talk to my wife like that Elliot." Christian growls at his brother interrupting my answer.

"She told me at lunch Elliot, we talked a bit after she told me. What was I supposed to do? Tell her not to? Tell her that it was a bad idea?"

"Yes."

"And as if she would have listened, Kate told me a few times not to marry Christian, to have a longer engagement as did everyone else if I remember but we ignored them and nearly two years later look at us!" I am losing my cool.

"I think Ana's able to be logical outsider here." Carrick says speaking like a lawyer.

"Fuck logical outsider?! She's the fucking on that bought Ryan Seacrest into our lives, into Mia's life! If anything it's her fucking fault."

"Elliot I fucking swear one more word against my wife and we'll be having more than just words." Christian spits putting India down only for Kate to distract her with a toy, with Kate pregnant I guess she wants to keep out of this too but I have no choice being involved.

"Mia's about to run off to LA and get married and you don't give a fuck?" Elliot questions.

"Of course I give a fuck Elliot, but at the end of it we have to respect Mia. She's given us an ultimatum, now we can either fucking respect her decision and support her or fucking lose her. What would you prefer?"

My fifty, all grown up! It shows he's really thought about it, I guess his shower as him running through all of his options.

"Christian's right Elliot." Grace says quietly. "We should get ready to plan the third Grey wedding here because Mia is going to marry that man whether we like it or not, instead of pushing her away we should be getting this Ryan fellow over to stay so that we can get to know him some more before he takes Mia forever."

Carrick wraps his arms around his wife as she sniffles. I hate seeing her hurting but if Mia and Ryan are happy then we should be happy too. If her love for Ryan is anywhere near as strong as mine is for Christian then she'll fight to the death for him.


	33. Chapter 33

**I don't own the songs in this chapter, I am using them only for entertainment purposes **

**Thursday 24th May 2013**

It's been a long week since the whole Mia drama. She's now in LA planning her life and wedding to Ryan, they're happy and in all honesty I'm happy for them. Everyone else is slowly coming around to the idea too, especially seeing as Ryan called Carrick and apologised for not asking his consent before proposing but that he didn't want to waste precious time with Mia just being his girlfriend.

I also had a long skype session with Mia, and truly, I believe he loves her as much as I love Christian and when love like that comes around you just have to snap it up and grab it tight with both hands and do whatever you can to hold onto it, so now I understand their reasoning for diving in quickly.

Also there're the revelations about Mia's biological family. There's a little more to the story which Mia shared with me over Skype. Apparently Mia's mother Cassie had a drunken one night stand (someone please God explain what a fourteen year old was doing drunk and having sex) she was rebelling against her rich and controlling parents apparently and she fell pregnant with Mia. It was a scandal and Mia's Mom was sent away up until after she gave birth to a "boarding school" where a lot of young Mom's went.

Mia's adoption wasn't her choice, being fourteen and having no means to take care of the baby without her family and their refusal she had to make the biggest sacrifice of her life and give Mia up. When she fell pregnant three years later with Wayne she moved in with her boyfriend's family who were just as wealthy and they helped the seventeen year old build up a life, after giving birth to her boy she even went to college, her two daughters one born three years later the other two years after that all have the same father as Wayne and Cassie is married to him now and they live in a nice place in LA, they aren't wealthy but they don't struggle to get by with Cassie's husband Mark being a lawyer in Ryan Seacrest's father's old firm which explains how they really met. Mia knew about Cassie and Wayne from the little research she'd managed to do with the information provided to her by Carrick and that's how she tracked Mark down, she told Mark who she was and Mark spoke to Cassie and Wayne overheard the entire conversation and tracked Mia down himself deciding even if Cassie wanted nothing to do with Mia then he did after all, they were siblings.

Now Mia and her biological family and Ryan will be flying out to Seattle to spend the weekend with the Grey's, that includes Kate and I apparently. We've all got to get to know each other before the wedding which has been dated for the thirtieth of June.

Of course, I was surprised when Mia asked me to be her Maid of honour but I accepted whereas Kate turned down the bridesmaid invite because of her pregnancy. Mia of course doesn't know yet that I'm pregnant but I should barely be showing by the wedding so it isn't an issue, my three month dating scan is booked for July third, just four days after the wedding.

Before all that we have the meeting of the biological family, followed by rehearsal dinner and Mia wants a bachelorette weekend with her entire female family which includes India, so she's thinking Spa weekend which is good, I couldn't explain how I wasn't drinking without giving the pregnancy away and Christian and I are dying not to have to do that!

Today though, oh my God. I so excited and nervous and happy and scared… today is the big day! Today we're finally recording the charity single and I am meeting all the celebrities that have been corresponding with me via email. It's so crazy to think about some of the stars I have been communicating with recently and will finally meet today!

Kirstin arrived last night and the two of us get ready together, the deal is that we're recording the video as we record the song so it's going to be a long day but hopefully, we will get it all done by close of play today.

I leave the house at five am with Kirstin in tow, we're both in jeans and heels with the charity logged t-shirt which everyone is being provided with, Kirstin's hair is pin straight whereas mine is in a quaffed pony tail and we both have a considerable amount of makeup on.

I drive us to Grey records and see the varying cars in the normally near empty parking lot. My nerves get worse as I exit the Saab with Kirstin right behind me.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God." I mumble as I head inside.

"Just breathe Ana, they're all here to do this with you ok?" Kristin says giving my arm a squeeze.

We walk into the studio hand in hand and we're guided by Tito and Lila through to the big cafeteria. As soon as the doors open the artists breakout in applause and I grin, I can't believe they're all here! I see faces I have only ever seen on TV in front of me and I am speechless until Kristin nudges me gently.

I climb up onto one of the round school cafeteria tables with Tito and Lila's help and Kristin walks to join the big group in front of me so she can listen to what I have to say too.

"Wow hello everyone!" My mask comes on, my persona comes out, this is the Ana that performed at BGT and Idol. Everyone cheers and I laugh and wait for them to quiet before I go on with my little prepared speech. "Thank you so much to every single one of you for flying out here today. I imagine some of you are exhausted and I really want you to know how much I truly appreciate you all being here. So you all know the plan, I've harassed you all by emails enough so what we're going to do is go straight into the studio and see what the first take is like, you all know what you're doing, you all probably know better than me actually… oh and of course before we go anywhere this is Lila and Tito and they're going to be directing the number. So let's go!"

We all go into the largest studio and into the booth together. Naturally everyone spreads themselves out around the four microphones that are ready and Tito knocks the music on to start recording.

"You're not alone, together we stand," Mariah opens the song, her voice as angelic as ever.

"I'll be by your side you know I'll take your hand." Fourteen year old Carly Rose Sonenclar runner up on the x-factor, tiny girl with the mega big voice!

"When it gets cold and it feels like the end," Cher Lloyd, xFactor UK third place if I remember rightly, amazing singer and rapper more successful in the USA from what I understand.

"There's no place to go you know I won't give in." Nicki Minaj, I still can't believe she's here, I didn't think this would be her scene but damn I'm grateful.

"Ahh, Ahh." All the men do the backing vocals into the nearest mic they're by.

"No I won't give in." All four women who have already sang together say into the microphone and through my headphones it sounds good so I'm happy.

"Keep holding on." Everyone together, wow!

"Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through." Phillip Phillips, Idol winner 2012

"Just stand strong."

"Cause you know I'm here for you, here for you." Britney Spears… I still think I'm dreaming when I look at her, I mean I worshipped her when I was about nine and she came out with hit me baby one more time!

"Nothing you can say." One half of the group.

"Nothing you can say." The other half.

"Nothing you can do."

"Nothing you can do."

"There's no other way…" Carly Rose. "Till it comes to the truth." Into everyone.

"So keep holding on cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through." Everyone together sounds amazing in my ears, I can hear my own voice blending in the background behind singers I could only ever dream of being as successful as.

"So far away, I wish you were here." Keith Urban, country legend!

"Before it's too late, this could all disappear." And yes, it's Josh Groban!

"Before the doors close, and it feels like the end." One direction, they're just so cute!

"With you by my side I will fight and defend." And the fucking gorgeous Bruno Mars, I must have been good in a past life to have this happen right now.

"Ahh, Ahh," All the women including myself sing softly.

"I will fight and defend." All the men from that verse together.

"Yeah! Yeah!" Mariah sings before we do a repeat of the chorus except we have everyone sing it all except for where we have two halves singing.

"Hear me when I say, here me when I say I believe." Kristin grins at me as she sings.

"Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny." I sing back before I look to Kelly Clarkson beside me and she raises her eyebrows and grins too.

"Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

"La da da da…" Carly Rose does this alone, she's got such an innocent voice according to Lila who selected who was singing which part there was just no other choice.

Again we sing the chorus together but this time we have all sorts of trills and harmonies going on over certain parts, it was Lila who wrote them in and even as I sing I can hear the power in my ear. I do my own trills, one or two that are really high because of There You'll Be.

"Keep holding on!" I sing with Kristin as there are Ah's going on behind.

"Keep holding on!" Josh Groban and Keith Urban, I blush when their eyes meet mine, I still can't believe all these stars are here.

In comparison to the AL version we've added an additional chorus onto the end and finish with Cher Lloyd on her own. "You know we'll make it through."

Tito loves it and is convinced that the first take will be the one he uses but we do it a few more times for the video cameras just in case before we break for some breakfast in the cafeteria.

Different to earlier the tables have been put together so we can sit together and it's nice spending time with these celebrities. I listen to their stories with interest until I see Chris Laurence approaching the table.

"Hey Chris." I smile giving him a hug and an air kiss. "Guys this is Chris Laurence and he's directing the video for the song."

Everyone greets him before he slides onto the bench beside me so everyone can continue eating while he talks.

"Ok so Tito and Lila are happy with the vocals and what we've got on film so far is good but it's not good enough so what I want you all to do after you've eaten … Ana you've got the t-shirts?" I nod in reply, he told me to bring them in case and I planned to hand them out to everyone today anyhow. "Ok so Ana will give you your t-shirts and I want you to get into them and we're going to have you just singing the song in the booth with a three cameras in there with you. I want a take of you all holding around each other, another of you holding around each other with one arm and one waving and then I have candles and I want a really cheesy take of you with candles and then hopefully a couple of group photos and we'll be done. Any questions? No? I'll see you back in the studio."

I love how on the ball he is! I knew he was watching the monitors recording while we were singing and that he would know if he needed something more.

After breakfast we all get our white and blue Carla Cancer Trust T-shirts on which are white with the big blue logo on the front, we head back into the booth. Chris comes in and organises us into our places, he puts me in the middle with Kristin on one side and then Cher on the other side, Carly Rose is to the left of Kristin and then it's up in height from there. I really didn't think I was this short! I mean I tower over Kristin! Well by four inches or so!

As we sing with our arms around each other's back I can't help but think of Mom. She would be so shell shocked at everything I've done and achieved. I'm standing in a booth with fucking some of the biggest names in pop raising money for a charity I set up! It's unbelievable.

The show is planned for July sixth at Safeco Field which will seat 47,000 approximately but we've got an interesting stage set up, Chris Laurence is directing the entire production which is going to be huge. He obviously has loads of people working for him because it's going to be a huge night here in Seattle! My favourite aspect of everything he has planned is the stage layout. There's a big main stage then from that there are three forward catwalks, the middle on longer than the two side ones and the middle one with one going across, the space in between the catwalks will have additional seating for close family and friends of everyone who's coming and of course most importantly, the board and the people who matter most, the people who use Carla's cancer trust.

I don't know if we'll fill all the seats, we're selling them in order so that if we don't fill the middle level no one will be on the top level. I do wish we will fill them all though, that would be just a dream come true.

We finish recording at five pm, everyone is exhausted including me but I receive congratulatory hugs off everyone involved which makes me cry… damn fucking hormones! Of course I'll see everyone in a couple of weeks for the first practise of the show which is going to be done in a big empty warehouse with step stages but it's because Chris needs everything timed to the last minute that he needs that blocking rehearsal.

We do have a big all day rehearsal at the stadium on the fifth of July where we'll hopefully know exactly what we're doing, or at least Chris will!


	34. Chapter 34

**I don't own the songs in this chapter, I am using them only for entertainment purposes **

**Monday 27th May 2013**

I couldn't have asked for a better sign than this. Today is Memorial Day and our charity song is out. It's currently being played on every music channel and every radio station repeatedly. It's shocking! I just hope now that it sells!

Today Christian and India are having a Daddy/Daughter day with Jason and Sophie, they're going cycling leaving Gail and I behind with Zachary. Of course Christian thinks I'm getting ready for the album release on the tenth of June when yes that factors into my day but really today Gail and I are planning Christian's thirtieth birthday party.

The party is happening right here at the house, we're basically having a family and friends barbeque but we have a couple of chefs coming to do the barbequing and we're hiring servers to keep everyone happy. Of course for the kids we're hiring a bouncy castle and we're also setting up to embarrass my husband, with Grace's help we have gotten a picture from every year since he was adopted by the Grey's and we're going to play it to There You'll Be for him before every member in the family will give a small speech just to embarrass him further!

Of course with his birthday falling on a Tuesday this year we're having the party on the Sunday before rather than the weekend after. I don't want him to think we decided not to do anything for his big three-oh but this is a surprise… I think if he knew he would put a stop to all my plans!

"So you're sure this is enough food?" I ask looking at the huge list that Gail and I have written.

"Yes Ana, I promise you that will be more than enough even if for some reason we end up with another twenty guests, everyone will be fed till filled." She chuckles and I let out a thankful sigh and hand the list back to her.

"I trust you. I just don't want anything to go wrong." I admit and she chuckles.

"Something, always will." She says before putting the list into the file. "Now you've ordered the marque and the toilets as well as the bouncy castle…" Gail is interrupted by my phone ringing the pussy cat dolls which tells me it's Mia without me having to look.

"Mia now is not a good time." I tell her wanting to organise as much of Christian's party as I can today.

"Oh Ana please only a minute."

"Ok what do you want?" I ask rolling my eyes to Gail who chuckles, no one can say no to Mia.

"Ryan and I are flying in to Seattle on the eleventh of June for two weeks, his parents will be staying until the Tuesday and we're also bringing my biological family to meet Mom and Dad, we're all going out for food so expect that invite from Mom. Any way I know you told me to be there for Christian's birthday party on the sixteenth and seeing as my boil-fam will still be with us can I invite them."

"No Mia absolutely not." I say firmly.

"But Ana…" She whines.

"No Mia, it's Christian's birthday and I know he's not sure what to make of you contacting your biological family as it is, no way."

"Can't we see how he reacts to them at the meal then? And if they get on then maybe they can come?"

I sigh, Mia Grace Grey knows how to fucking get her own way sometimes.

"Ok, we'll see." I say groaning as Gail puts a glass of milk in front of me and a plate of cookies.

"Thank you. Oh and make sure you have no plans for the Saturday because we're going up to Redmond to get your dress."

"Sure thing Mia." I reply before the call is ended. "That girl…"

"Has been a handful all of her life, Grace told me some of the things she used to get up to and damn I nearly wet myself laughing!" Gail giggles at some memory and I can only smile.

"Now with this party you know I'm ordering you to enjoy yourself and let the servers and the cooks do their job right?"

"Are you going to be relaxed Ana or are you going to be constantly checking that the band is ok and if there is enough air in the castle?" She asks making me scowl, yeah ok neither one of us will just be able to relax and enjoy I get it.

* * *

**Monday 10th June 2013**

It's quite nerve wracking knowing that this morning my album went on sale. It's quite a strange intense feeling inside of me. It's madness knowing that we recorded ten tracks on it, one of them being my favourite an acoustic version of Cinderella. Two of the songs on the record I wrote myself, one to Christian and one to Ray and I hope to sing it to him at his wedding to Marge. I really can't wait for them to marry and finally move to Seattle, they seem to be putting it off though just enjoying their relationship in Montesano.

Tomorrow Mia and her biological family arrive here in Seattle along with Ryan and his family. Tomorrow evening we're going for a meal with Ryan's family and then the next night we're going out for a meal with The Lewis family from Los Angeles.

I know Christian has been playing the whole thing with Mia's family over in his mind. I wonder often if he's looking for someone in his family but I won't dare question him on it, I understand as much as I want him to find some biological family even if it's just for India, it has to be his decision and I can't be involved in it. If he asks for my advice or opinion then I will give it to him but until then I'm keeping my mouth well and truly shut.

Today I am shopping with India, just the two of us and Oreon somewhere in the background. We're shopping mainly for Christian's birthday gifts which are near impossible to find. I have no idea what to get him from either of us. I think off India it has to be something sentimental, especially with us holding his party on Father's day!

I didn't even realise it at first but then in thinking about the beautiful mother of pearl drop necklace I got off "India" for mother's day as well as a card with her scribbles and a beautiful bouquet of flowers I've remembered that Christian's party is on father's day. Oh we'll have to make it extra special then and make sure I get something for Ray and Bob and remind Christian to get something for Carrick.

* * *

**Tuesday 11th June 2013**

"Are you nearly ready?" Christian asks groaning, he really doesn't want to leave the house this evening to go for a sit down meal with Ryan Seacrest and his parents and younger sister Meredith.

"No, I look lame." I say scowling at the reflection of me in the mirror. I've dragged my hair into a near elegant updo and put on makeup the way Melissa taught me to while I was on the book tour, feline eyes work for every eye shape apparently.

"You look fine." Christian says coming up behind me which makes me giggle, we match!

I'm in a grey knee high jersey dress with ruched skirt sound neckline with a centre slit and cap sleeves and a golden buckle at the centre. Christian is in a grey suit with a grey and black Stefano Ricci tie.

"I'm starting to show."

"Now you're not." Christian chuckles wrapping his arms around my waist. "To me and you maybe but not to anyone else." He says before kissing me softly. "Now let's collect our dashing daughter and make our way to the club."

India looks just adorable in a denim skirt dress and white frill socks and her first walking shoes, even though she's still not walking perfectly pre-walker shoes are out of the question with her standing up wherever she is and getting on with it.

Once we have everything we need we're out the house with Taylor at the wheel. It's quite nerve wracking actually, going to meet Ryan's parents especially seeing as they probably know what Ryan once said about me but I'm sure they've also seen we've "kissed and made up".

We arrive at the Mile High Club and are instantly shown to the private dining room. Everyone is there already and I know we're a little late, we forget sometimes it takes that little bit longer to leave the house with India than without.

We greet our family and are introduced to Constance and Gary Seacrest, Ryan's parents and their daughter, Ryan's Sister, Meredith. I get the pleasure of sitting beside Meredith with India in between Christian and I in her high chair. (Yes hers, the one Christian bought and had delivered to the mile high club especially for India! Rolling eyes here!)

The waiters serve the wine and I shake my head and ask for a sparkling water which earns an inquisitive look from Grace. I know at once she's figured it out and I know it's also going to be a long night. A five month pregnant Kate sits with Elliot, the man who thankfully apologised for his behaviour at dinner, I don't think I could have stayed mad at him I'd tried, he came to the studio to find me the next day with his tail between his legs.

"So I saw you on Idol Ana, you and Christian both gave a wonderful performance." Meredith says as we tuck into our starters.

"Thank you." I smile. "It was really nice being on stage with Christian."

"And your charity single is truly something, me and my friends already have our tickets for the big show."

"You're coming?"

"There's a group of about twenty of us coming, it's a big deal Ana so many people's lives are affected by cancer every day and you're really making a noise about it and drawing more attention to a subject most people like to avoid. We've bought our tickets because we want to show our support to you and the charity more than to see the concert." She says and I sense her talking from her heart, it's so nice to hear her talking like that.

I also must admit I really like Meredith. She has honey blond hair and grey eyes a shade bluer than Christian's but just as beautiful. She is also well spoken and good natured, she has a good heart I can see that but I can also see she's a strong person too.

When our main courses are serve and I once again reject the wine I catch Carrick eyeing me and I look to Christian, if they haven't figured it out by the end of tonight then they definitely will by the weekend and when my eyes catch Christian's gaze he understands to and gives me a nod before helping me to my feet.

"Mia, Ryan, we both know tonight is your night but if we don't say something soon either Ana or me is going to snap so we have some news." He smiles and slips his hand around my waist before grabbing India's hand with the other. "Our family is expanding. We're having another baby… and before you say anything about me always having to beat you Elliot we found out in London, before we knew Kate was pregnant." He jokes as Grace and Mia get up to come and congratulate us.

"You knew!" Elliot says to Kate who is happily still eating, I know it's not that she isn't interested in the news but it's the fact she's already said congratulations and she's a hungry pregnant woman.

"Yeah I knew the day we announced it." Kate shrugs between bites as I hug and receive congratulations from both Meredith and Connie.

"So now can everyone stop looking at us when Ana refuses the wine?" Christian chuckles as we all sit back down to enjoy our meal. So maybe we didn't get to wait till the three month mark to tell the family but who cares, family is family right?


	35. Chapter 35

**I don't own the songs in this chapter, I am using them only for entertainment purposes **

**Wednesday 12th June 2013**

This evening is even more nerve wracking than last night and I know it's true for Christian too. We're meeting Mia's biological mother, brother and two sisters tonight and I really don't know what to make of it and clearly Christian doesn't either, he's looked like a lost puppy since he has been home and I don't know what to make of it. I've not seen him like this before, not really.

We dress in silence, me in a green belted dress, him in a beige suit and while I dress India in her dress Christian just sits there brooding. I wish I could read his mind like he can mine. Actually I think I can, I know the conflict going round and round in his head I just don't know how to get him to talk about it and anyhow, now is not the time.

Once again we dine at the mile high club, just because it's simpler for everyone. With our growing family there is just simply not enough room at Grace and Carrick's and any way this is neutral territory… well sort of it is Christian's club so maybe not as neutral as it could be.

Once again the introductions are made and we are introduced to Cassie, Mia's mother who has the same Raven hair and blue eyes, then there's Wayne who I guess is entirely his father and the two little sisters, sixteen year old Clare and fourteen year old Laura who Christian points out is nearly hyperventilating at the sight of me, shit Mia's little sister is a fan of mine.

"Mia you didn't tell me that you knew Ana." She whispers a little loudly.

"Yes I did, I told you that my brother's sister was a singer and her name was Ana."

"Not the Ana!" She says hysterical.

"You should go and say hi. She won't bite." In a says in a teasing tone but the fourteen year old who I realise looks a lot like Mia shakes her head violently and I take it upon myself to go and say hello with India in tow for protection.

"Hi Laura it's really nice to meet you. This is my daughter India."

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God." Laura says while fanning her face, I look at Christian amused, this is actually quite funny.

"Oh come on dweeb she's being nice say hello back and stop being such a freak." Clare says making me frown, I don't know what it's like to have siblings but I do know that I hope India is never like this to shrimp.

"Hi." She eventually breathes out and I smile at her.

"I was thinking maybe you could sit with me at dinner? We can make it a little more exciting." I tell her and she nods excitedly before taking my offered hand.

Christian chuckles and shakes his head and it's because we both know as soon as Laura relaxes around me all she's going to want to do is talk about my music but I don't mind, I have Laura for protection from any questions involving the family that could be directed my way and I know Christian knows that.

I was right. By the time we get to our main meal Laura has relaxed and is talking just like Mia at a mile per minute.

"So Cinderella was my ring tone and then I heard Fly on the wall but I think There You'll Be is my favourite, who is there you'll be about? Is it Christian or India?"

"I think them both." I tell her even though I wrote it with Christian in mind it could easily refer to India too.

"Did you write all the songs?"

"No just two."

"Oh who wrote the rest?"

"Well my friend Lila wrote most of them but one of them is a cover." I tell her and she nods excitedly and goes on to discuss my songs in detail with me, often quoting lyrics in a very mature manner.

It's dessert before anyone has truly relaxed and I even find Christian happily talking with Wayne about business, it seems that Wayne is studying business in LA and wants to go into business in the future. I hope Christian isn't giving away all his secrets.

"So Mia have you got your dress yet?" Clare asks as she eats, I guess we have another wedding lover in the family.

"Yes, it's been designed and is now being made."

"And our dresses?" Laura asks and I realise that Clare and Laura are also going to be bridesmaids.

"We're going tomorrow to have a look up in Redmond, we need your dresses and Ana's dress and then India's dress." Mia explains patiently, she seems to be so much more grown up around Laura, not quite treating her like a child, more like a mature young adult who deserves to be treated like an equal. It's a surprise to see.

When we leave Christian becomes withdrawn again and I find myself really worrying about him. I wish I understood how he felt, I know why he's feeling but not exactly what. I send him to sit with a drink and prepare India for bed on my own, giving him time to think because after our daughter is asleep I want to talk to him. Our two C's, communication and compromise and he's letting one go here and I won't stand for it, no way, he's not shutting me out!

Once India is flat out in her crib I make my way downstairs and find Christian in the position I left him in the living room with a now empty tumbler in his hand. I refill his drink and I kneel down in front of him and run my hands along his arms, he sighs contently, his eyes closing and his mouth parting, I'm not trying to seduce him here but I can see I'm arousing him.

"Talk to me Christian." I plead quietly, his eyes open and his beautiful grey eyes look so pained. "Please baby don't shut me out."

"Mia has a good mother." He says quietly and I kiss his hands that clutch his tumbler. "She would have been good even though she was young, she did well with Wayne, he's turning out to be a very good man."

"You're a good man." I tell him and he looks away from me in shame so I cup his cheek and turn his face to me. "You're a good man Christian Grey, a very good man with a very big heart."

"I can't help but wonder how different my Mom could have been if she had the support that Cassie had with Wayne." He says looking so hurt. "They disowned her Ana. Her own parents disowned her because she was pregnant so young. Why didn't they do like Cassie's parents and send her away? She might still be alive today, with more children, a good life."

"Oh Christian." My heart breaks for him.

"They're still alive you know." He says quietly and I look at him in surprise. "Ella's parents, my biological grandparents, they have four other children, three sons and one daughter. Ella was the youngest of five kids, she was the baby of the family."

All I can do is listen to him, let him tell me what he wants to.

"I tracked her all the way back to her early childhood, she was a good student, good grades until she was fifteen and that's when she started to change, her parents sent her to the best shrinks their wealth could buy but she just seemed to rebel until she ended up pregnant and they kicked her to the kerb. How could they Ana? If it was India… I'd help her because she's my baby girl. If she came to me seventeen pregnant yes I'd be mad, furious, maybe I'd try and persuade her to abort the child but dammit Ana I couldn't just throw her away, I wouldn't care what people would say, she's my baby and I couldn't do it." The tears tumble down his cheeks and all I can do his press my forehead to his, I know he's been thinking about this a lot since Mia's revelation and it breaks my heart.

"Have you spoken to Flynn?" I ask knowing that he needs more than me to help him with this. He nods and sniffs.

"Flynn told me to speak to you I just didn't know how to tell you…"

"I'm glad you did baby, you can always come talk to me about anything you should know that." I tell him gently, I know this has been hard for him.

"Let me take you to bed Ana, let me lose myself in you?" He asks desperately. I just slip the tumbler out of his hand and place it on the coffee table before taking his hands and taking him upstairs. I think right now we both need to feel each other, be with each other skin on skin.


	36. Chapter 36

**I don't own the songs in this chapter, I am using them only for entertainment purposes **

**Sunday 16th June 2013**

I sneak out of bed and rush to get a whining India from her crib. It's father's day and the day of Christian's birthday party so I have a lot to do. After changing India's diaper I go into our bedroom and quickly into my closet to locate his Father's day gifts, he isn't getting his birthday gifts until his actual birthday but it's not like he isn't getting anything today.

We didn't do anything special on Mother's day but I did get gifts, a Mother of pearl necklace and a bouquet of flowers off Christian and India. It was brilliant, in all honesty I had forgotten it was Mother's day, probably on purpose not wanting to think much about my own mother but it was nice to be woken up by India and Christian and get my gifts and just spend the day with the two of them.

I get back onto the bed just as Christian is waking and he turns to me with a wide smile.

"Good morning baby."

"Good morning, happy first father's day Daddy." I say before kissing him deeply until India gives us a small reminder that she's there by hitting her Dad right in the groin.

"I'm lucky there's a thick comforter there and that India's not yet strong." He says pushing himself to sitting.

"So is Daddy ready for his presents?" I ask and he grins and nods like a little boy, I love how excited he gets when he gets gifts.

He takes India onto his lap as I pass him the first gift.

"Ok this one is from India." I tell him and he grins wider before tearing the paper off which India is instantly attracted to, slowly he opens the box inside and finds the cufflinks, one which reads Bestest Daddy Ever and the other reads Love India Annalise xx

"Oh thank you so much India, you know Daddy's going to wear these to work tomorrow right?" He says grinning happily, I know he will too, that's what makes me smile.

"Then this one is from me." I say handing him a slight larger package.

Again he tears off the paper and finds a box, this one engraved with "For Christian's Fancy Shirts."

"Cufflink holder." I explain and he grins happily.

"Then this one is off Shrimp." I say grinning shyly as he smiles even wider if that's even possible.

Inside he finds another set of cufflinks, these ones with "number 1 Dad" on them and he kisses me and then India again.

"Last one is off the two of them." I tell him and he opens the last package finding a t-shirt with Best Dad Ever in huge letters across the chest.

"Thank you baby girl, you have made this the best Father's day ever." He says to India before kissing her. "And you." He says before kissing me. "And you." He says before leaning in and kissing my belly through my night gown making tears of pure joy and elation come to my eyes.

"Right then time for breakfast then you can dress, I'll dress India and then you and Taylor and the kids are going out for a little while to the Grace which I've already organised with Mac and you'll be back in time for dinner and my real present to you Mr Grey." I say the last bit seductively which makes the argument he had about me not joining them on the Grace completely slip his mind.

After breakfast is over with Taylor comes over with Zachary and Sophie to collect India and Christian. I dress India in a little red, blue and navy dress with matching sandals and a navy and white blazer for her outing on Daddy's boat. If Christian manages not to let her get filthy the outfit will be perfect for the part too but I have got a second dress to change her into if need be.

Once they've gone it's only two minutes before Gail comes in through the back door with a smile.

"Taylor will call when they're on their way back giving us a good warning." Gail smiles and I relax a little.

"Ok I'm going to get changed and then the cooks and the servers should be here in about an hour."

"I'll get the drinks up from the cellar and get all the glasses washed and ready." She smiles.

"I'll be back to do the cocktails, remember Hannah, Kate and I need the non-alcoholic stuff in the house so it doesn't get mixed up and I really don't trust Grandma Trevelyan to slip half a bottle of whiskey into one for a joke and get us drunk."

Gail chuckles as I walk away, Great-Grandma Trevelyan has always been a fire cracker from what I understand and she did joke that she would be spiking the cocktails!

Once showered and dressed in a one shoulder dress in hot pink with an antiquated design on the shoulder. It has some flowy chiffon and it bunches at the hip, it was hard choosing a dress for today, it's a summer garden party and so far we have the weather on our sides. I didn't want a typical flowery dress but I couldn't wear anything to glitzy like everything I seem to own these days.

I meet Gail back in the kitchen where she's got an apron over her summery maxi dress and she passes on to me too.

We're making the finger snacks even though we have five people coming to grill fish and meat and stuff and we have servers to serve but the finger food well we're doing it ourselves.

We switch on some music and in between putting nibbles on trays I open the door and lead people around to the back of the house to set up. It's becoming a mission impossible and I'm getting stressed.

Finally, the stage is set up, the band is ready, the servers are dressed and ready to go, the grill is ready and the marquee is up. The tables and chairs are out, the tables are set, the drinks are ready and the family and friends have all arrived and are mingling and waiting for Christian to arrive. Taylor has rung and told us they're twenty minutes out making me so nervous. What happens if he freaks out?

I finish by tying the last big 0 blue balloon and then grab myself a cold drink. Gail nods at me, they're here.

"They're here everyone!" I call before rushing inside to greet my husband.

When the door opens I walk slowly to meet them. Taylor gives me a sly wink before heading through the house while I stall Christian a little longer.

"Babe let me put this down." He chuckles signalling to the diaper bag.

"Sorry."

"You look nice." He says and I smile.

"I've been in the garden just relaxing, I thought we could grill some food so Gail's out there setting everything up. Come on let me get you an ice tea." I say taking India onto my hip and leading him out by the hip.

I know he knows before we even step through the sliding doors. His arm drapes around my shoulders and he chuckles as our guests all yell "surprise"

"Happy Birthday baby." I say as he leans in for a kiss.

"Ana, Ana, Ana." He chuckles before kissing me a second time. "You devil."

"You didn't think I'd not do anything for you turning thirty right?" I tease making him laugh.

"Wow this really is a surprise." He says rubbing the back of his neck as a bottle of beer is passed into his house, that expensive stuff he likes so much that I went down to the marina to find out where I could get a couple of boxes from. "Thank you so much all of you for coming and Ana… I am looking forward to figuring out how you did all of this with me having no idea."

"With a lot of help!" I say making everyone chuckle. "Now come on, let's enjoy." I say leading him down to the guests.

Of course Gail and I barely relax making sure everyone has a drink and that the nibbles are kept topped up. Christian gets on the bouncy castle with Sophie, Zach and India and it's just funny.

"Right Ana, you are coming to relax." He says when he finds me topping up the trays once again. "Come on."

He drags me to the small dance floor and begins twirling me around making me laugh. He's just the perfect husband and I'm happy I got to do this, even with my hectic schedule I have loved every spare minute that has gone on this party, not a minute wasted.

As the daylight begins to fade it's time for everyone else's surprise, well I say everyone else it's for Christian, Ray, Elliot, Carrick, Bob, Flynn, Taylor and Luke.

Kate, Hannah, Mia, India, Zachary, Sophie, Iolo and Dion Flynn's two boys and then me all get up on stage and I talk to the band who have had to learn this song for us. I hold India on my hip as I stand with the kids all in front and Mia, Kate and Hannah beside me.

"Ok." I say as I'm handed a microphone. "Uh as well as being Christian's birthday today is Father's day and I didn't want to see that day going unrecognised because of this birthday party so I gathered up the Mother's and their kids and we put this together for you guys, I know Luke and Elliot you're probably a little confused right now but you're a few months away from the births of your children so that's why Hannah and Kate are involved in this." I say chuckling as Gaul and Grace usher the men into seats in front of the stage. "Ok boys you can take it away." I say handing the microphone back.

The music starts and I take a deep breath and hope everyone remembers what to do.

"I remember when you used to take me for a bike ride on the bayou." Sophie sings, she's got such a pretty voice.

"And I remember you could do no wrong, you'd come home from work and I'd jump in your arms when I saw you." Kate sings gripping my arm tight as she does, my, my Kate Kavanagh nervous this has got to be a first.

"I was so happy, to see you." Zach half yells half sings making the audience aww, it's so adorable!

"Because you loved me I overcome and I'm so proud of what you've become." Mia sings and even without looking I know she's got a huge smile on her face.

"You've given me such security no matter what mistakes I make you're there for me, you cure my disappointment and you heal my pain." Hannah sings confidently even though she was probably the most unconfident when we were in the studio.

"You understood my biz and you protected me treasure every irreplaceable memory." Flynn's boys sing together and I see John grinning and shaking his head, I bet he didn't expect this at all which makes me happy that I could give him something small back for everything he's done for Christian and I over the past two years.

"And that's why I, want my unborn son to be like my Daddy, I want my husband to be like my daddy, there is no one else like my daddy! And I thank you for loving me."

"Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy," The kids all sing together which is just too cute because it's so bad it's good!

"I still remember, the expression on your face when you found out I'd been on a date and had a boyfriend." Mia sings, it had to be her line because she recalled that particular memory with Carrick.

"I still remember when I caught you crying because of my tattoo could have said I told you so but instead you said you'd get one too." Kate sings because it is totally the type of thing we both can see Elliot doing if his little munchkin came home with a tattoo.

"Words can't express my boundless gratitude for you, I appreciate what you do, oh, you give me such security no matter what mistakes you make you're there for me, you cure my disappoint and you heal my pain you understood my biz and you protected me. I treasure every extraordinary memory." Sophie sings beautifully, she has a very pretty voice and I'm sure I can see Taylor near crying as he stand with Gail.

"And that's why I want my unborn son to be like my Daddy, I want my husband to be like my Daddy there is no one else like my Daddy and I thank you for loving me." us adults are completely drowned out by the kids but it really doesn't matter, they're just so cute and adorable and it makes me smile listening to them!

"Even if my man broke my heart today, no matter how much pain I'm in I would be ok, cause I've got a man in my life that cannot be replaced, for the love is unconditional and it won't go away and I know I'm lucky, no it ain't easy, men who take care of their responsibilities, love is overwhelming, Lord why did you pick me, can't stop my tears from falling I love you so much Daddy." I get the high bridge, no surprises there, I had originally got Mia, Kate, Hannah and me to do it but they soon put a stop on that and had me do it on my own. I can see Bob, Ray and Christian in near tears when I open my eyes from the big note and it makes me smile, Christian knows I was singing on the behalf of India and Shrimp as well as singing to both Bob and Ray which is good, it's what I wanted.

The kids all pick up the chorus with the adults too except for Sophie and I who does the overlay which I doubt is heard over the boys little shouting, at least in the studio Tito could play with the volumes!

"I get so emotional daddy, every time I think of you, I get so emotional daddy, every time I think of you, There's no one else like my Daddy, no one else replaces my Daddy."

"Happy Father's Day Daddy!" We all shout as the song finishes and our guests all give us a round of applause.

We get off the stage and each of us rush off to our Fathers and husbands letting the party continue.

"Oh Ana." Christian says as he hugs and kisses both India and I. "You are amazing."

"Thank you baby, happy father's day." I tell him and he grins and kisses me.

"I think you have made every father here very happy." He says pointing towards where Taylor is hugging Sophie and Zach and then panning my eyes to where Flynn is wiping his tears.

I hug both Ray and Bob, I like including Bob even though he's not my Dad I know if I ever needed him he would have been there but because of Ray I never did need him but he was there at the most important moment, when Mom died, he was a father to me at that moment and I like letting him know I felt that.

I hug them both tight and they both kiss my cheek. Ray wipes his tears with Marge's handkerchief while she chuckles, for the most taciturn man I have gotten him a few times.

I go inside and fetch the presents for Bob, Ray and Carrick, there's a Grandpa mug each for them and then for Ray and Bob I got them a personalised beer mug along with their favourite beer.

The party was a success and I get into bed with my husband happier than I thought possible ready to give him my real present!


	37. Chapter 37

**I don't own the songs in this chapter, I am using them only for entertainment purposes **

**Saturday 22nd June 2013**

The past week has been hectic, after Christian's party I had to throw all my attention into the big charity fundraiser. Everyone has flown in for a two day rehearsal and then gone again while I've been with Chris Laurence working on the set itself. The tickets have all gone and I'm in shock, over forty six thousand have sold and will be in attendance on July sixth and I am ecstatic!

I think the ticket sales did boost after the charity single came out but I think it has been a lot to do with the celebrities involved in the show getting to work too. They've all been on twitter, facebook, youtube and the likes begging for people to buy tickets. I wouldn't be surprised also if the fact that Nicki Minaj has gotten Justin Beiber to come and perform their song with her has a small thing to do with the influx of teenage girls that are coming but we have one direction so that might also be it.

Simon Cowell himself is coming along with a lot of his friends and I thank God every day that Christian decided to set out four areas for the V.I.P's one of which are my family and friends who are on the board mostly too and who will be coming to stage for the last song along with the people who have used or do use Carla's Cancer Trust and one of the local School Choirs who Lila has been getting ready.

Of course with everything I am exhausted, the last thing I organised was the firework display which is going on at the end of the show along to some music which have to match up with some Pyros, thankfully we've gotten a very interesting group of firework display showmen to do it all and they have been working hard, even nicer for us is they're doing it all for free and won't even let me pay for the fireworks they're using and practising with, it's for charity so they're not going to take a penny. (Ok Christian and I did send them a huge box of the fireworks they use anonymously though because not taking anything was ridiculous for the amount it's probably costing them!)

I can't wait to finally get into the grounds on the fifth of July for the sound check and run through. It's so big it's exciting. My favourite bit of all is the three big screens behind the stage and the two off to the sides, I find myself getting intimidated by my own eyes and end up playing a game of cat and mouse turning around quickly to try and see myself only to see the back of my head!

Today it's day one of Mia's bachelorette party and Ryan's Bachelor party. Christian really wanted out but I've persuaded him to get up and on the plane to Las Vegas and be nice with Ryan, at the end of the day no one is happy about Ryan and Mia marrying but Ryan is going to be a part of the family and we all have to accept that and the way Christian can do that is by getting on his jet with Elliot and going to Vegas.

The bridal party is going to Salish Lodge and spa for the weekend, it's what Mia wanted so I organised one. There's Mia of course, myself, Kate, Grace, India, Grandma Trevelyan, Clare, Cassie, Laura, Meredith, Connie (Ryan's Mom's preferred name) it's a family only wedding and the same applies for the bachelorette party apparently!

I've booked the entire spa up for the day so that we're not disturbed. Everyone is instantly off doing their own thing and enjoying themselves which is exactly what I wanted. I stick with Kate, both of us spending a lot of time sat down and looking through the babymoon package and discussing our advancing pregnancies!

Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves and that's what's important. When we sit down for lunch Mia gets all her gifts, some serious and a lot of gags off me and Kate, an afternoon spent shopping well worth it for her reaction to the fluffy handcuffs and pink flogger I got her, if only she knew how much use Christian and I would get out of it.

The afternoon is spent as a group getting a facial and sipping cocktails (virgin for Kate and I) by the time we separate to get ready for dinner Grace and I have to carry Mia to the room.

"Mom…Mom…"

"What is it Mia?" Grace is clearly pissed at her daughter.

"I know you don't like Ryan… but… but… I love him Mom… he makes me so happy!" She's so drunk it's funny but I do everything I can not to laugh and get into Grace's bad books.

"If I had any doubt of that Mia you wouldn't be marrying him next week." She says her voice melancholy. "Ana I think she'll be missing dinner and sleeping this off."

"Good idea." I reply, Mia is in no shape for dinner.

**Wednesday 26th June 2013**

Today is the day of the rehearsal dinner at Grace and Carrick's house. The entire wedding party is here because the only people involved is family, the only people missing is Ryan's extended family who will arrive on Friday for the Sunday wedding.

The garden is set up just as it was for my wedding and Kate and Elliot's wedding except in Mia's colours, of course the flowers aren't up yet but everything is perfect. Mia is having a night wedding, they're marrying at 8pm so it will be dusk and the whole garden will be lit by fly replant candles in Mia's colours. Just imagining her beautiful face shown in the candle light will be amazing.

The rehearsal goes off perfectly and Ryan does look so in love when he looks at Mia, he looks at her like he sees nothing else and that's important, she should be the only thing he sees.

The dinner is a little awkward, Elliot and Christian got Ryan on his own in a room in Vegas and gave him the real third degree and even though he passed apparently they're still not convinced that Ryan is it for Mia.

**Saturday 30th June 2013**

Mia looks just spectacular in her gown, it's so unlike what I expected Mia to ever wear. I guess I always imagined her having the big princess gown but no Mia's dress is a short only reaching the mid-thigh, with an A-line silhouette, strapless with a small amount of lace along the breast line, there's gorgeous beading around the waist and crystals, and of course true to Mia the dress is whiter than white made out of stunning tulle fabric.

Her hair is all curled on one shoulder and rather than a tiara or a veil, she has a beautiful silk lily clip surrounded by crystals and within her curls a little glitter and tiny white daisies. Her makeup of course is flawless, and simple. It's not what any of us were expecting with Mia but she's radiant and beautiful and she looks so happy as she holds her three lilies along her arm.

Laura, Clare and I are in light yellow knee length satin dresses, with one strap on the left shoulder, there's a flower on the shoulder with crystals in the middle and a ribbon around the middle, with gold sandal heels. Our hair is in a high ponytail with a yellow ribbon wrapped around our heads like a ponytail and it's tied so the ribbon falls straight down our backs, mine is hidden behind my long hair unlike Laura and Clare's. Our flowers are simple too, five light yellow roses with three white lilies in a tiny bouquet.

India looks so beautiful in a white dress with a yellow ribbon on her middle and along the hemline and she has her own bouquet of flowers that match mine but minus one lily and two roses to make them even smaller. Her hair is curled and she has a little yellow head band with a bow on top.

My mouth drops open when a string version of There You'll Be plays and I look at Mia who just shrugs. Clare and Laura walk down first and India keeps a hold of my hand and toddles down the aisle straight into Christian's waiting arms. He takes his seat leaving me to stand with Laura and Clare as Carrick walks Mia down the aisle.

It's no surprise that he cries as he hands Mia's hand over to Ryan but Mia barely notices, her wide smile all for the man who in the next twenty minutes will be her husband.

They keep the vows modern but traditional, again, simple like everything else that Mia chose. They look amazing in the candle light, Ryan in a white tux with a yellow tie (I know for certain Mia won that argument!)

After the service we have a sit down dinner and the speeches. Ryan's sister Meredith speaks for him as she was his best woman and Carrick speaks for Mia making her cry too. After the food it's time for the first dance and cutting of the cake before the couple depart for their hotel where they will stay until they jet off to Hawaii tomorrow, our wedding gift to the happy couple.

Even I shed a tear during the first dance, the couple are lost in each other's eyes and it's so beautiful. There's no big party at the wedding, just a small marquee with a CD player, no band. Once they've danced they cut the cake and we create the human arch for them to leave.

"You ok?" I ask once everyone's quieted down and the clean-up has begun.

"I can't believe it, my little sister just got married." Christian says before necking back a well needed brandy. "She looked so happy Ana, she was smiling just like you were on our wedding day and him… I don't think he noticed anything or anyone but her, even when India yelled for you and everyone laughed he just watched her and grinned."

"I know, they're in love Christian, hopefully their love is like ours." I say as I wrap my arms around him. "Everlasting and eternal."

"Come on wife, it's time for me to get you home and show you how much I love you!" He says pulling me to my feet making me giggle, I love this man more and more every day.


	38. Chapter 38

**Could you guys let me know please what you think of this new format that I like to call "skipping the crap" I'm just getting to the heart of what would happen in the chapters and not dragging them on and putting two or three days in each to make them longer. Steff xx**

**Wednesday 3rd July 2013**

I am so excited today because we get to find out when exactly Shrimp is due and get to see his first picture! We're doing everything like we did with India hopefully, we've already been in touch with Swedish and I am using the same midwife and Doula and hopefully I will get to give birth naturally once again. I can't wait for shrimp to be here or choose his or her name and find out whether it will be a him or a her. Christian can't either, he's just like he was with India recording everything in a pregnancy book!

After my sonogram where we find out that Shrimp is fit and healthy for the moment we sit down to find out the date our baby will be due from the calculations Doctor Greene has said. We know approximate, we're just wondering how right we are.

I still can't believe how emotional Christian is about the picture, he has barely blinked since he's been given my scan in his hand and his eyes are full of joyous tears!

"I would say you're due on the fifth of January." Doctor Greene smiles as she writes it in my file for me. "New Year baby."

"Ok. Thank you." I grin, I can't believe that we're at month three already with India it seemed to go by so slow but with this baby it seems so quick!

On our way out we book an appointment for exactly four weeks from today, the day where we will get to find out if our little shrimp is a boy or a girl which is even more exciting. I can't wait to find out if India will have a little brother or sister and then choose a name for him or her and begin thinking of the nursery, which room, which colours and that sort of thing.

Until then though there is so much else to do and sadly Christian has to go off to work and me too.

**Friday 5th July 2013**

We're only a day away now from the big charity concert. Everyone has gathered at Safeco Stadium for the sound checks and run through and it's mad.

I get up onto the stage on my own and look out. This is what dreams are really made of. How many people out there want to stand up on a stage like this with lights, pyro technics, big screens behind them showing their face off to the people sitting way up high right in the back? The strange design of the stage is even bigger than I thought it would be. From the main stage it's possible to walk thirty feet out into the crowd in the middle and fifteen just off to the left and right. At the end of the middle catwalk as I like to call it is a long T bar going ten feet in either direction.

I walk along it on my own while everyone else is getting ready for the first sound check. There are huge metal banisters surrounding the seats so no one will be able to get too close to the stage where I know pyrotechnics line up for different acts.

Tomorrow over forty six thousand people will fill this stadium all in aide of Carla's Cancer Trust, stars will sing their hearts out and yes something will go wrong. Like my biggest fear at the moment is that someone will get trapped under the stage where everything will really be going on.

For example, in one of my parts I have to come off the stage then hop on what I call a skateboard and ride through the catwalk, beneath it, while someone is performing as at the end of it is an elevator only about five feet up but it's a tiny box that I have to crouch in until it's about a foot away from the top of the stage and then slowly stand as it brings me up. It's exciting but my fear is that the skateboard will stop in the middle of the catwalk and I'll have to crawl the rest of the way in my dress and heels.

It's taken so long to put everything together. Chris Laurence who has directed this entire thing is clearly a genius and he knows his stuff, how he still has hair on his head I don't know!

"Ana come get your mic and ear piece." Christian calls from half way up the catwalk as I stand on the end of it trying to visualise the crowd. I go back and I'm quickly given my blinged up mic and my earpiece which is tucked into the back of my jeans for now.

"Ok so guys opening number Beneath Your Beautiful, Christian you're ok with opening the show from the piano, Ana will enter from the back stairs (the wide five foot long very steep steps that I will be using a lot during the show) for her piece with you, when you're done kiss your wife quick and get down the steps, Ana small hello, rally the crowed up and your dancers will come on for Fly on the Wall, remember the band does not stop just sort of wind down before going into There You'll be then straight into Cinderella, on the last Pyro introduce Carly Rose and while the music is still playing you'll greet her at the top of the stairs, she'll come forward you'll go downstairs and change ok?"

"Yes Sir." I say almost mockingly, I know Chris is passionate but we know this stuff, we did the two day rehearsal in a garage with mock stages which are only like five inches off the floor.

Beneath Your Beautiful goes off without a problem as expected but Fly on the wall is a different story.

The song is electric and it feels amazing to perform even in heels I run up the catwalk with my crazy dancers behind me but the crazy side head banging hurts my neck and head and by the end of the song I can barely sing a sentence then on top of that I forgot about the pyros going off and they scare the living hell out of me!

"Ok Ana." LeRoy smiles, yes Christian stole him as soon as Britain's Got Talent was finished seeing as his Mom is American he had no problems. "Keep the head banging till the last chorus, when you jump don't jump so enthusiastically it will still look good and remember it's fine to drop a few words to grasp a breath no one is going to care."

"Ok." I nod exhausted and covered in sweat.

"Can we do that one again!" Chris yells and we go through it again a second time with a little less hiccups.

After Fly on the wall it's There You'll be and I just sit on a stool at the end of the catwalk with my microphone on a blinged stand that has been made just for me to my sitting height, it's perfect. I don't like singing it after singing fly on the wall because I'm exhausted but apparently it works best bringing the tempo down after something so upbeat. There you'll be again, no issues except for the mild choking from the smoke machine that they're debating using because of the close proximity of the audience.

The last song of my set is Cinderella which brings the dancers back to the stage and I perform most of this on the catwalk with LeRoy's choreographer, I'm no dancer but he's made it so it looks like I can dance just like he did at BGT.

After Cinderella, while the music is still playing I announce Carla Rose Sonenclar before I disappear down the steps, during the show tomorrow I'll be doing a damn costume change in six minutes as Carly is only performing two songs. Today though, at the bottom of the stage the stars are all gathered singing the charity t-shirts in their bucket load, they'll be available to buy tomorrow during the show before and after to raise even more money.

In between each performance tomorrow after Carly has been I will be introducing the acts and saying something small each time. It's a lot to remember but I've got little tiny flash cards to take up to the stage with me, for that I'll be wearing a mic head piece rather than a hand held one which will make things good, thankfully today though I stay backstage just signing the t-shirts with everyone else. Gail is here keeping up the line and Hannah is at the end packing the t-shirts up and making sure they have everyone's autographs so that we don't get any complaints.

After everyone's individual rehearsal and sound check we run the finale without the firework display before we head home exhausted knowing that tomorrow really is the big day we've all been waiting for.


	39. Chapter 39

**Could you guys let me know please what you think of this new format that I like to call "skipping the crap" I'm just getting to the heart of what would happen in the chapters and not dragging them on and putting two or three days in each to make them longer. Steff xx**

**Saturday 6th July 2013**

When Christian, Kristin and I arrive at the Stadium early and it shocks me to see there are already a load of people gathered outside screaming wildly. We all wave to them as we head for the doors to start getting ready for what I hope to be a hugely successful concert.

I know there is going to be not only a lot of press here but also a lot of critiques and I just hope we get good reviews because this is a one off big charity event and I just want it all to go perfect.

The event isn't televised but because of the people who wanted tickets who didn't get a ticket across the world we're streaming live on a website as long as the person behind the screen donates five dollars, they'll then be emailed a code and be able to watch it all. That doesn't go live until later on though, closer to the show time.

I greet everyone inside who isn't tied up in their dressing rooms and before I've even put my bag down we're called up to the stage. I take Christian's hand, he seems so calm and cool when I'm anything but, I'm convinced something is going to go wrong today.

One the stage everyone gathers around Chris, Tito, Lila and LeRoy who are the main people involved with this even though no one is naive to believe that there isn't over a hundred people from Grey Records running around back stage getting the last pieces together.

"Ok guys before you all hurry off to get ready I just want to say a big congratulations to you all, you've worked hard to get here and I know that Ana, you more than anyone want tonight to go off without a hitch, leave it with us and we'll make sure that happens, now hands in let's do this for Carla. On three… one… two … three"

"Carla!" We all yell before we head off backstage. Due to the limited amount of changing rooms here Kristin, and I are sharing and because of my quick costume change that is a good thing because Kristin will have my second dress with her backstage and rip one off me to throw me in the next one.

I have Melissa here from Christasia to do out hair and makeup as well as the rest of the people from both Christasia's which are closed today because of this event, doing makeup for everyone else.

Choosing my first dress was really hard. The reasons being when singing There You'll Be and Beneath Your Beautiful they would need to look elegant but then with Fly on the Wall and Cinderella they would need to look sexy, of course on top of that it needed to be glitzy and stage worthy.

My first choice was a high low but I knew I wold get tangled in it when running in Fly on the wall or dancing in Cinderella so eventually I went for a Sherri Hill dress that is a feather skirt in black with a high neck covered in sparkles and jewels, both sexy and elegant.

My shoes are by Dolce and Gabanna and they're black with mesh all around them making them again elegant but with a bit of a rock twist to them. I'm wearing chandelier earrings and a diamond cuff bracelet.

As I sit with Melissa getting my hair done and Christian changes into his suit I can hear the crowed starting to come into the stadium high above us. It's totally unreal, they're so loud and energetic and I hope it continues like that for the three plus hour show.

We're starting at seven pm and there is a break about eight thirty with the band just continually playing while people get refreshments and so on, we're hoping the fireworks will go off around nine thirty nine forty five but like Kristin and everyone else has warned me, we're probably looking at ten pm if not later.

India is here with Carrie, I hope that it isn't too loud for her or she doesn't become too upset. We have got her a special pair of ear muffs though that can block out most of the noise if she starts getting cranky and wants to sleep though she did have an extra-long nap today. Though I hate taking her out of her routine Christian and I both agreed we wanted her to somehow be involved in all of this and for that she's in our family and the board box with Carrie and Grace, Hannah and Gail and others.

Mia of course isn't here. She's with Ryan in Hawaii on her honeymoon, starting married life. I hope she's ok because we haven't heard anything more than a text this morning saying good luck from the both of them.

"Ana and Christian make your way to the bottom of the stairs now." A disembodied voice comes from the small speaker inside out dressing room.

"Good luck." Kristin grins giving us both a hug before we head on out.

As soon as we're at the bottom of the stairs we're ambushed to get our ear pieces in place. My dress is unzipped to tuck the box inside and then it's carried through the dress and into my ear. Christian just laughs at me as I'm handed my microphone and I begin to really panic inside. He loves how nervous I get apparently, he like I says nerves are a good thing.

"Christian up to the piano now please, the stage is in darkness so be careful." I hear from behind me as I close my eyes and focus on my breathing, this is it, everything I've been working on for weeks has all come down to this.

When the lights above me go on the crowd goes absolutely wild. I squeeze my eyes shut and take in the noise from 47,000 people! It's unbelievable but then in my ear I hear the most beautiful piano sound ever and I relax.

Christian sings and after the first line the crowd cheer again before going deathly silent. I know it's because they're all watching and listening. I can imagine them now waving along with glow sticks and other light up items that are for sale around the stadium.

I look at Chris who is watching me with a smile. When it's time he gives me a nod and I begin to make my way up the stage, each step making my heart beat harder. As my head becomes visible the crowd erupts and I smile as Christian meets me at the top of the stairs with his hand ready to take mine, a smile on his beautiful face, he does look amazing in his shirt and trousers, seeing his face takes away my nerves completely.

We walk to the start of the catwalk as I begin to sing and again the crowd falls quiet. I look out, it's almost impossible to see with the stage lights on my face but like in envisioned there are people waving their arms like a big wavy sea and there are light up toys all around like candles which shows me that they're enjoying it and not quiet because they're getting ready to boo!

After my chorus the two of us walk forward and I see the choir on the left and right catwalk to do the backing for us, I love it!

"I'm gonna climb on top your ivory tower, I'll hold your hand and then we'll jump right out, we'll be falling, falling, but that's ok, cause I'll be right here, I just wanna know"

"Would you let me, see beneath your beautiful."

As the music begins to rise I hear the raining Pyro begin on the stage and both Christian and I turn back and run to the stage hand in hand to stand front and centre facing each other.

Once the last word leaves our mouth the crowd erupts and I grin and half laugh as Christian cups my cheek. As directed he kisses me, whispers good luck before he's off down the stage.

"Hello Seattle!" I yell over the noise, instinct taking over my nerves. "Welcome to the Carla Cancer Trust charity fundraiser!" As soon as I finish the band strike up the opening chords to Fly on the wall and I begin to move my hips as the dancers join me on the main stage. All fourteen of them.

I love this song, its more rock than pop and that's why.

"You don't understand what it is that makes me tick but you wish you did, You always second guess wonder if I'll say yes but you just lose out every time."

My feet drag forward onto the catwalk just as LeRoy taught me, some of the dancers go on ahead of me, some onto the side catwalks doing their choreographed routine.

"If you only knew what I talked about when I'm with my friends just hanging out, then you have the inside scoop on what to say what to do that way you would you could play the game baby you could never lose!"

I run to the end of the platform for the chorus, my energy electric with the crowd keeping the adrenaline going berserk inside of me. I've made it to that place in my mind where nothing else but the performance matters, that free high I get whenever I'm on stage.

"Don't you wish that you could be a…"

"Fly on the wall" The backing singers voice comes through my earpiece.

"A creepy little sneaky little…"

"Fly on the wall."

I hate the new chorography instead of the side head banging, I feel like I'm having a fit, it's crazy but I know it goes with the song, Christian recorded it to me on the phone and even though I look like an idiot so do the other dancers.

"All my precious secrets yeah, you'd know them all, don't you wish that you could be a fly on the wall."

I walk across the T bar to the left for the second verse, everyone lost to me, it's just me and the empty stadium, the clear stage inside my head. Nothing else matters right now.

"You'd love to know, the things I do, when I'm with my friend's and not with you. You always second guess wonder if there's other guys I'm flirting with, you should know by now. If you were my boyfriend I'd be true to you if I made a promise I'm coming through, don't you wish that you could see me every second of the day that way you could have no doubt that baby I would never stray."

I run back to the middle of the aisle and jump up and down to the second and fourth beat of the music. I am alive inside with this song. I can hear people in the crowd singing along and it's just amazing, nothing can really describe how I feel right now!

"Don't you wish that you could be a… a creepy little sneaky little… all my precious secrets yeah you'd know them all… don't you wish that you could be a …"

I run back up the aisle to the front and jump to legs apart as a couple of pyros go off.

"a little communication." Crazy head banging. "That would go a long way." And more. "You're giving misinformation." And more. "Too much hearsay, hearsay!" I fall to my knees and then onto one hand, I know Christian is now in his seat cringing in worry that I may have whacked my stomach on the floor but I didn't, I caught myself on my hand just as planned.

"And what I say is." I ripple to the side and then the other side while leaning on my hand. "Come a little closer." I signal with my finger. "And what I'm gonna say is…" Two dancers help me jump to my feet. "Don't ya!" I yell into the microphone, my whole body tingling as I belt the high note. "Don't ya!" Once more. "Don't ya?"

I run back up the aisle to the stage. "Don't you wish you were a? hey!"

For the last chorus it is all head banging and jumping, the stage is as alive as the crowd with pyros going off all around me.

"Fly on the wall." I finish with a load of Pyros and the crowd goes nuts making me chuckle right into the microphone as my mic stand and stool are taken to the front of the T bar of the stage.

I walk up to it quickly and slid the microphone onto the stand before sitting for this one.

"If you know this song I'd love to hear you guys sing along." I say feeling a little embarrassed as I tuck my ear piece in again so it's more comfortable. "It's there you'll be." The crowd erupts once more as the music begins to play beautifully in my ear piece, Tito really did an amazing job with the music for this song, I just love it and music wise it's my favourite on the album "Introducing Ana".

I sing with love in my heart and soul. Christian and India and little Shrimp prominent in my mind. The crowd sings along at the beginning and it shocks and surprises me to hear them singing my song, not just my song but a song that I wrote.

They wave their hands and their glowing toys right in front of me while I sit there almost baring all to them as I sing with no show, no dancers, no dancing, nothing just me and a microphone. I can see little specks of light everywhere in the distance and I know that's the rest of the crowd, they surround me completely from where I'm sitting and it's just amazing to feel all their eyes on me.

What's amazing is having people here who have never seen me perform before like Gail and Grace and Carrick, I hope they're enjoying it and like Christian think this is what I'm supposed to be doing, maybe that will help me have the faith I need to in myself.

At the bridge I stand and hold the microphone needing to be standing to hit the big note. My knees bend, my mouth opens and the crowd erupts spurring me on. It's amazing. I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes but I continue to sing, using my hand as LeRoy taught me to when just singing and not really performing.

When I finish I take the microphone off the stand and two guys dressed all in back swiftly remove the stand and stool.

"Now this next song. Y'all gotta know it." I say chuckling nervously, maybe I shouldn't be so presumptuous. "It's Cinderella." As soon as the name leaves my mouth the crowd erupts once more and it's just an amazing electricity that runs through me!

It goes off without a hitch as expected, I know Cinderella now and I'm far more confident singing it than when I first sang it back in April on the Graham Norton show. It feels like second nature for me even doing it sexy is easier for me now.

I get to loose myself in the song and the crowd now, I don't worry so much about my performance because anyone who's really a fan of mine has seen the YouTube clip of the Britain's Got Talent performance so they know I can do it, now I get to enjoy doing it and not have to worry about proving myself, I get to relax and just really feel the song, the music, the lyrics and most enjoyably the audience.

The crowd sings the whole way through and I even whip my ear piece out, it's harder to make sure I hit the right notes but in all honesty I don't care about singing out of tune anymore. Of course it gets plugged right back in for the bridge. I just want to really hear the crowd properly, the earpiece stops me from being able to really enjoy them singing and cheering along.

I love how the pyro's go off with my choreographed fist bumps to the big drum beats. It's unbelievable to be a part of all of what's going on and in all honesty I may be the singer here at the moment but I'm just a drop in the ocean of what's going on back stage and around, so many more people are involved in making sure nothing goes wrong on the stage.

When I finish the last note the band pick right back up as I bow and look out to the crowd.

"Guys you have been amazing thank you so much, I'll see you all in a little while but before that I want you to scream, shout and go absolutely wild for Carly! Rose! Sonenclar!" My stage persona is alive now and I know it will stay this way until the show is over, that's a good thing, it's taken my nerves and replaced it with electric excitement!

As soon as I've finished yelling out her name and the crowd goes wild I turn for the steps to see Carly reaching the top of them. We high five as I walk past and head downstairs into the madness beneath the stage.

There's a small screen right by the bottom of the steps where you can watch what's going up on top, I know it's mainly for Chris who has a head set on and is directing everything from the smallest space on steps that he could squeeze himself into.

Kristin gets me out of my dress and it's so funny how I'm stood in black lace panties and an elastic lace padded strapless bra really not caring that One Direction can see my ass.

Kristin and Melissa get me into my second dress which is by Jovani. It's a gorgeous corset top in lace with crystals and the skirt is full out of tulle fabric in nude, it's truly beautiful with some of the crystals on the top of the skirt all spread out. With me now just starting to show the corset can't quite be tied as tight but I don't mind, Kristin and Melissa manage to get it done comfortably and that's what's important. Most people now know I'm pregnant but we're kind of announcing it tonight maybe, we'll see, it was the original plan but I don't know how it will play out!

There's no time to change my shoes as Carly is finishing her second song, a beautiful version of Fire to the Rain by Adele, I still can't believe she's only fourteen years old! I watched her on the xFactor USA on YouTube and I was truly blown away by the then thirteen year old that was performing.

"Ok go Ana." Chris says and I'm up the steps again, this time with just my little notes in hand, I really don't like not having my microphone as a safety net in my hand. It's strange.

"That was Carly Rose Sonenclar ladies and gentlemen didn't she do amazing?! Jeez I still can't believe she's only fourteen." I say as I land just ahead of the catwalk. "Ok before I introduce the next act tonight I'd like to thank you each and every one for coming out here to Seattle tonight, I know there are people here from all over the world and that brings joy to my heart to know. Carla's Cancer Trust as you all know was started up in memory of my Mother Carla Adams, she was a truly wonderful woman with a vibrant soul, she loved music and watching live concerts and I know tonight she's watching and dancing her heart out. Later on tonight I'll tell you truly what Carla's Cancer trust does but before that ladies and gentlemen, please, put your hands together, jump up and down and go crazy for country! It's Keith Urban!" The music starts and I turn and hurry off down the stairs to sit with Chris while Keith does his stuff.

His first song, A song for dad, is one of my all-time favourite country songs. I love how most of the words could fit into my relationship with Ray even though Keith is singing from a son's point of view I can recognise some of it as a woman, as a daughter.

I can see he loves being on stage and he loves the audience as he plays for his second song he talks to them asking how they're doing and it's amazing how the crowd reacts to him. They go wild as expected, not everyone has the stage presence that he has though, he truly is alive on stage and I really love watching him.

As his last song comes to an end, Making memories of us, I go through the little booth so I'm right under the stage and then I get onto the skateboard. I hold tight to the guy in front of me, driving me and he chuckles at me. We get to the front of the catwalk, underneath it and I climb into the little box elevator.

"Ok?" The guy asks and I nod and give him wide scary eyes with a smile and he laughs. "You'll be fine."

The song comes to and end and he nods before pressing the button to take me up the elevator.

As I stand up the crowd cheers again and I smile knowing the band behind me with Keith Urban is leaving the stage.

"That was Keith Urban everybody!" I yell and then wait for the crowd to settle down. "Ok so I said I'd tell you about Carla's Cancer trust so here we go. In February twenty twelve I was visiting my Mom in Savannah Georgia, I was there to let her know that I was pregnant with her first grandchild which should have been a joyous occasion. When I turn up at the house with my husband Mom's upstairs and I find out she's having treatment of some kind because she was ill. Turned out my Mom was having Chemotherapy and she had cancer. Mom told me how she'd only been given a year to live but they were hoping to extend that year with the treatment. Christian and I arranged for Mom to see a world renowned oncologist and it turned out Mom had a lot less than a year.

Mom got sicker real quick, it was like I blinked and the woman I knew as my Mom was no longer there and she'd been replaced with this sick and frail woman. Mom died March tenth twenty twelve peacefully in her sleep with me and her husband Bob beside her. The weeks before Mom died weren't easy, she and her husband moved from Savannah to Seattle to be nearer to us and my husband buggered off to China but then Mom did something that will stay with me till my dying day. She organised stuff for us to do but not the usual things, instead she recreated some of our memories from my childhood, we went swimming at the local pool something I'd not done in so long, she made a fort in the living room where we ended up falling asleep and spending the night and we also went to the playground and sat on the swings and looked to the sky and pretended we were flying. Mom's aim was to remind me of the good times but at the same time she created new memories for me to look back at and smile.

That's what Carla's Cancer trust does with families all around the country. We recreate their fondest memories while creating new ones, ones that will live on when sometimes the patient does not. After this next act I'll tell you a little more about what your money can do with the people involved in the charity but until then, teenage girls go absolutely crazy it's One Direction!" As the crowd cheers the elevator I've been standing on begins to lower and I duck in time for me to completely disappear, once it's stopped I receive a high five from Harry Styles who pops in his ear piece and climbs into the box ready to go to the stage.

"Have fun." I tell him before getting onto the skateboard for my trip back to the steps.

I must admit I have a small crush on One Direction, not the boys but the group as a whole, they are my little guilt pleasure. Turns out it's also Kristin's and we dance and sing along backstage to "What makes you beautiful." I wish Christian was here with me but I know he's gone up to the box straight after beneath your beautiful probably only missing about the first half of Fly on the Wall, it's funny because half the board has to come to the stage at the end for the finale and that includes Christian!

Their fourth and final song is Viva la Vida with Cher so I don't have to go up in between these two acts which gives me a little bit of a break! I like Cher's voice, it's so unique and different to anything I've really heard before. Her song "Swagger Jagger" has me dancing in my seat earning me Chris laughing at me to which I just nudge him and take his hands and make him dance and shake his head as if I'm crazy while Kristin records it all on her phone. Ha we got you Chris! We'll have to embarrass him with this video somehow!

"Go Ana." He says still laughing when I have to go back up the steps to the stage.

"The amazing Cher Lloyd everybody!" I yell as she runs past me giving me a high five on the way. "Ok so earlier I told you how Carla's Cancer Trust recreates memories for the families of the cancer patient but on top of that we do a little more. The toll cancer takes on a patient is something I don't know, I've never been a cancer patient but what I have been is the family member watching a loved one suffer. Some of the money we raise at Carla's Cancer trust goes in aid of those families, we provide them with counselling, individual, group, and family therapy to help them through those toughest times. Someone once told me the grieving began as soon as you knew your loved one was dying, the grieving process though is that much harder when you still have hope and a lot of the time that hope dies along with a loved one. Our aim is to make sure there is the foundation of support there for the families of cancer patients so when and if worse comes to worse there's someone there to help you and guide you through the emotional trauma. One of my all-time favourite poems is footprints in the sand and basically we aim to be an additional set of footprints by your side to guide you through. Now this next act, is one of my childhood heroes, it's the one, the only give it up for Britney Spears!" Britney stops me to hug me as I go to walk down the stairs and she does her stuff by addressing the crowd while I sit down beside Chris.

Britney Spears is the last act before the break and I am so happy when she finishes and I go and get my last outfit. I don't know whose idea it was for me to change a third time but I do into a gorgeous black sequined number that has chiffon wings coming from the shoulders. My hair is taken from the loose curls it's been into and loads of strands are twists until eventually we have a beautiful up-do. By the time Melissa has finished my makeup they're calling me back to the stage.

"Are you all having fun?" I yell making the crowed go wild, I'm glad to see they're not bored yet! "I'm glad to hear it now I want to tell you what our aims are in Carla's Cancer Trust for the coming year. We have recently partnered with the Make a Wish foundation and we're hoping to start sending our families on a holiday of a lifetime. I want to take this opportunity to thank the Turtle Bay Resort in North Shore Hawaii for giving us three free all inclusive holidays to give to our families, it has given us the opportunity to give three families lasting memories of their loved ones. We try to send all our families on a holiday now, providing those who need it a nurse so they can have treatment and enjoy themselves as much as possible and your money tonight will help us do that for even more families. Ok so our next act is the spectacular and gorgeous… Bruno Mars!"

I love Bruno Mars and happily sit backstage singing along while watching him driving Chris beside me mad as he communicates with other people around the stage to me singing into his mouth piece to annoy him! When he sings Just The Way You Are I remember back to Christian singing to me in the park, it seems like so long ago now but then just feels like yesterday sometimes too. I won't tell him but give me Christian Grey singing any day, I love Bruno Mars, I love his music and his songs but I am truly madly deeply in love with Christian Grey and his voice and everything else about him.

After Bruno Mars it's Kelly Clarkson's turn, her song Mr Know It All is one of my favourites from her, the song completely rocks! It's like in one way pulling up two fingers and saying screw you!

I get more of a break here, having said everything that needed to be said Kelly Clarkson introduces Nicki Minaj who does her set of three songs before introducing Justin Bieber, the crows erupts! It's like madness, they worship him it's insane! Justin Bieber also does his most famous song baby before coming backstage and I have to go up once again.

As I hit the stage I feel the energy left by Justin behind on the stage coming from the audience. His fans, I know from the news, twitter and stuff, they're insane! I mean some girls actually slit their wrists for Bieber before!

"Ok Ladies and Gentlemen that was Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj!" The crowd is near violent as they cheer for him, I don't think anyone in the crowd hears me saying Nicki's name! "Ok so I'm going to share a little something with y'all about the next artist here tonight. She's about this tall, with gorgeous blonde hair and the most amazing voice, I'm a very lucky person to be able to say this lady is one of my best friends, she's also on the board for Carla's Cancer Trust, she spends time promoting the charity, she sells stuff for the charity at her gigs, she goes out of her way to spread the word about what we do and how we do it. She's here tonight guys, it's the fantastic and fabulous Kristin Chenoweth!"

She comes up the stairs and hugs me tight before I go down the steps excited for her, I know how she loves being on stage.

"Y'all having a fantastic night so far?" She asks and the crowd cheers for her. "I'm glad to hear it. You know can y'all give a big cheer for Ana Grey she's really doing a fantastic job here tonight right?" Another cheer and I can only smile at the monitor, Kristin isn't the first celebrity to be out there tonight has brought my name up in thanks or recognition but it feels special coming from her.

She sings her song Fathers and Daughters first, a slower song that's just beautiful, I can see how she loses herself in her song on the stage but how the crowd love it, many sing along with her and I see her come out of her safe place a few times to smile.

She does my soundtrack. My theme tune. Lessons Learned. I first heard the song being sung by Carrie Underwood just after the Oprah Interview aired, it was truly a song that spoke to me, that said everything I felt and finding out that Kristin had gone and done a version was brilliant, Kristin knew I loved the song so when she sent me her album through the mail it was perfect!

After her third song I want somebody I get excited because I know she's singing for good. As in her concert I know she's going to pluck someone out of the crowd to come up on stage and sing it with her, making someone's dream come true.

"So normally I get someone from the audience to come and sing this song with me but tonight I'm going to do things a little different just in case I grab someone who doesn't actually know the song. I want Ana to get a mic and get up here…" My mouth falls open as a mic is shoved under my nose, they knew she was going to do this and I didn't! "Ana and I recorded this song and it's on her album Introducing Ana which by the way folks I recommend you go out and buy. Anyway, it's a bonus track on her album so I'd like to perform it here with her, hurry up Ana!" She yells just as I hurry up the steps.

She greets me with a hug and a smile as I shake my head laughing at her.

"You know your bit don't you?" She asks into the mic in a teasing manner as she walks me up the catwalk.

"Of course I do." I chuckle back.

"You know when Ana first sang this song and she was encouraged to go into the Elphaba range she bummed it." Kristin says talking to the crowd as we hold hands walking the thirty feet. "But you've all heard her song There You'll Be tonight and you know as well as I do Ana's got some lungs on her." I turn pink and lower my head laughing to myself. "Now though, she knows she can do it." She says meeting my eyes. "It's For Good." She says into the mic and the crowd cheers as the band strike up and Kristin just stands there looking at me and holding my hand.

"I've heard it said, that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are lead to those, who help us most to grow, if we let them and help them in return. Now I don't know if I believe that's true but I know who I am today because I knew you." When she sings it's like she's singing to me but also she's singing to the audience, they're caught, their attention just on her as she let's go of my hand but stands sometimes looking at me sometimes at the audience, I feel mesmerised just being on stage beside her, I don't feel worthy standing next to her singing a song that is just truly perfect for my relationship with her.

"Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun, like a stream that meets a boulder half way through the wood, who can say if I've been changed for the better…" She grabs my hand and her eyes look right into mine. "Because I knew you… I have been changed for good."

As the instrumental plays she gives my hand a squeeze and an encouraging smile, reassuring me in a way that I'll be fine and to just sing.

"It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part, so much of me is made of what I learned from you, you'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend." My attention like her is split between her and the audience, I am singing the song to her but I want them to understand that, see and sense the bond we've built over the past year or so in our friendship, I trust her, she's a great confidant but whenever we see each other it's like we don't know when the next time will be!

"Like a ship blown from its mooring by a wind off the sea, like a seed dropped by a sky bird in a distant wood, who can say if I've been changed for the better? Because I knew you…"

"Because I knew you."

"I have been changed for good." Our voices just blend, perfectly.

We step away from each other and half face each other just naturally, there's no rehearsal here, there was no plan, it just happened.

"And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blamed me for."

"But then I guess we know there's blame to share."

We step up to each other and our arms wrap around each other's waists as we look out more into the crowd.

"And none of it seems to matter anymore!"

"Like a comet pulled from orbit…"

"Like a ship blown from it's mooring…"

"As it passes a sun."

"Like a wind off the sea."

"Like a stream that meets a boulder…"

"Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood."

"Half way through the wood."

"Who can say…" I hold her tight, gripping her dress as I strain for the big notes. "If I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better…" I choke on a sob/laugh of sorts making Kristin grin, she has tears in her eyes too which is nice, I'm not the only one. "But because I knew you."

"Because I knew you." I reply to her with a smile.

"Because I knew you." We sing right to each other, looking at each other, forgetting the audience, this is really our friendship and closeness on display to the world.

"I have been changed … for good."

We hug each other tight before turning back to face the audience, Kristin goes to leave but I keep holding onto her so she can't leave me alone while I feel vulnerable. Getting the message she holds back around my waist while my arm is now over her shoulders.

"It's Kristin Chenoweth everybody!" I scream as she gives me a slight squeeze. "Next up the woman that really made sure that this night was possible by getting the people together we needed to put on this amazing night, it's Mariah Carey!" Kristin and I hold hands and run up the catwalk as Mariah comes up the lift in the floor, that's it for me for now until the finale.

"I hate you." I tell Kristin as soon as we're at the bottom of the stairs.

"No you don't you love me really." She says making me laugh. "Come on you loved it." She says nudging me with her hip.

"Yes I did. Thank you." I reply sincerely and she hugs me tight.

Mariah, the diva, rocks her stuff on stage. I watch her on the monitor, learning from her how to just be amazing. I wish I had half her talent!

After Mariah it's the amazing Josh Groben and while he sings everyone is at the bottom of the stairs getting ready to go back on.

The whole of the board has come down from their box and Christian is stood with a wide awake India on his hip who I get to kiss and give cuddles to and make laugh while we're waiting for Groben to finish singing.

When he's done I meet him at the top of the steps and we hug before I walk to the front of the catwalk.

"Ladies and gentlemen what an amazing night it's been?!" I yell making the crowd go wild. "It's been an absolute honour to sing for you guys and present this show but before we say goodnight and go home there's one thing left for us to do. I would like to call up the wonderful stars of the night to join me as we sing the Carla's Cancer Trust charity single keep holding on."

The singers all come up onto the stage and we all have our on individual microphones as we stand all in a line in the exact order we are in the music video.

As the singing begins the crowd quietens and they wave their arms around. We all just enjoy this, being together on stage singing the song we released as a team.

When it comes to my bridge Kelly Clarkson and Kristin Chenoweth come to my side, Kelly holding my free hand while we walk up the catwalk. While we're doing this, heading to stand on the T bar behind us, from back stage comes the board along with the elementary school children.

The board line up in two lines on the centre catwalk while the school kids take up the two sides for the final three chorus' (we added an extra one to drag it out.)

"That's it from us…"

"Hold it, hold it, hold it." Kristin's voice stops me from saying goodnight and I'm stunned, I don't know what to do because I'm supposed to say goodnight then we're supposed to turn around to watch the firework display to the music before singing the chorus of keep holding on a couple more times as the choir and the board leave the stage, this isn't planned so I'm confused.

"I need these people to step forward from the catwalk. Gail, Grace, Christian with India and Hannah." I am so confused as the celebrities all kind of step off to the sides of the T bar and the board of Carla's Cancer Trust step forward. Kelly Clarkson hands her microphone to Hannah who has a huge bouquet of flowers in her arms, resting on her now obvious baby bump. Mariah then passes her microphone to Grace.

"Ana." Grace says stepping beside me and taking my hand in her own while I look just completely bewildered at the people around me. "I know you were about to thank everyone for what they had done to get this show done but before you do that there's an extra special thank you that needs to be done. That thank you Ana, is to you." I smile shyly, this is so embarrassing, the crowd cheer but I know their attention is caught on Grace. "These past few weeks, you've been running around on so little sleep trying to get everything ready, you got the celebs here for the rehearsals and the recordings, you designed how this show was going to work, you made sure that Chris the director got everything you needed done to be done. This show wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for you." Grace smiles before Hannah steps forward struggling to hold the flowers and the microphone.

"Ana these are for you." She says handing me the bouquet. "From us the board and from the artists who have performed here tonight to say congratulations and thank you. Carla's Cancer Trust will be able to do some amazing work with the money raised from tonight and you deserved to be recognised as the person at the centre of it all." I'm crying like a damn baby, it's so stupid but I am touch and I'm blubbing.

"I don't know what to say." I say into my mic before trying to wipe my eyes on my arm. "Wow, thank you so much. That's all I can say, thank you. Now I also want to say the rest of the thanks which I was going to do before I was blind sighted." Everyone on stage and many in the crowd chuckle at this. "Chris Laurence the director who has worked harder than anyone on this show, congratulations and thank you for making my vision for this come true with more. Every single person backstage, hair, make-up, sound, lights, film, you're all amazing I don't think people realise how many hundreds of people we have around working this show, security, uh… if I'm forgetting anyone I'm sorry but really thank you all of you. Our very own elementary school choir, thank you so much for singing here tonight and of course Carly Rose, Keith Urban, One Direction, Cher Lloyd, Phillip Phillips, Britney spears, Bruno Mars, Kelly Clarkson, Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, Mariah Carey and Josh Groban. And thank you to everyone here tonight and the thousands of you streaming the show live around the world, we couldn't have done this without your supports. Thank you very much, have a safe journey home and goodnight!"

As soon as I finish the first firework goes off and the music kicks up. We watch the fireworks together. I meet Christian on the stage and he kisses me before swapping the flowers with me so I can hold India who is mesmerised by the lights in the air, I think she's really enjoyed being here tonight, I guess from the way she's still wide awake and alert!

As the fireworks come to an end I hold my microphone to my mouth with India on my hip and step in between Kristin and Kelly once again, we sing the chorus of the song while everyone else exits the stage and we walk down to the main stage to finish with one last chorus before heading down the steps, the band playing us out.

At the bottom of the steps I am emotional as is everyone else. I receive numerous hugs and kisses on the cheek including one off all of One Direction and while that happens I am convinced I hear Christian growl.

It takes a good couple of hours to pack up all our things and say goodbye but eventually Chris Laurence persuades me that he's got charge of what needs to be done tonight and he'll deal with the rest of it tomorrow. He gives me a kiss on the forehead in a fatherly manner before I let Christian finally take me home.


	40. Chapter 40

**Tuesday 30th July 2013**

It's been nearly a month since the big charity concert and I'm still riding on a high because of it. Not only did we make nearly three million dollars between everything but also we got very good reviews and I got a lot of good press for myself and for the charity.

There was a little bit of drama in the papers though, isn't there always? There were side on pictures of me in all my dresses and the question was bloated or pregnant. Yeah screw you fucking paparazzi. I was furious at first that some would actually say I was bloated, the pictures aren't even that bad! I barely looked bloated, maybe just a too big dinner! But yes, most of them just guesses I was pregnant and so we did a press conference rather than sell the story, the value had gone down considerably anyhow and even though the money would have been nice for the charity it wasn't like I hadn't just done a three million dollar charity night.

Everyone is of course ecstatic for us, Zachary has had to have a bird and the bees story which was funny to get to witness but he's excited for another baby and he like everyone else it seems, is hoping for a little boy.

Well today we get to find out. It is the day of our 4-D scan and we get to find out if shrimp is a boy or a girl. It is also a special day for Christian and I, it's our second anniversary. I can't believe it's been two years since we married. Often it feels like no time at all has passed but then it also sometimes feels like a lot longer than two years, especially when you look at everything we've done in two years.

I wake Christian up with morning sex, the morning sickness has gone now and so I get to enjoy being myself in the mornings without my head down the porcelain bowl. We don't get to snuggle for long though as we have to get India ready for her day with Grandpa Ray and Grandma Marge (Yes we've given her that title, she's been in my life longer than Bob and I often looked up to her as a sort of Aunt when I was younger, she's planning on being in India's life till her dying day alongside Ray so Christian and I agreed that Margery could be India's Grandmother, it shouldn't confuse her too much as she has three grandfathers too!)

After Ray and Marge arrive Christian and I leave for Swedish. We're both so excited! I mean today it's real, we find out whether we're getting a little son or a daughter, if India gets a brother or a sister. I can't wait, I really can't!

Afterwards we have a day at Escala booked. I had to sneak his gifts there in the middle of the week and I may or may not have seen three wrapped gifts in there which had my name on. I can't wait! But even more importantly, I can't wait for a date in the playroom with my beloved.

"Hello Ana, Hello Christian." Doctor Greene grins as we meet her in the scanning room, the 4D scan is done at Swedish because they have better facilities for the equipment.

"Hello Doctor Greene." We both smile.

"Well Ana you know what to do for me sweetheart." She grins taking her seat on her rolling chair while I climb onto the table and roll up my shirt.

"Do you want a DVD of this?"

"Please." We both reply, I know we don't have to ask about cost and she knows not to mention it too.

"Ok then." She knocks a few buttons before she puts the cold jello on my stomach and begins looking for my baby. "Here we are."

There it is! Our little baby. Tiny button nose, fist by his mouth. Oh he's just adorable.

"Would you like to know the sex?"

"Yes." We reply together our eyes not leaving the screen. Doctor Greene chuckles and begin hunting for our child's bits. "Here we are."

Our eyes widen while Doctor Greene laughs and shakes her head.

"Well I can tell you that Mr and Mrs Grey is your son and it looks to me like he's playing with his bits."

"You can already tell he's your son." I say to Christian my eyes still looking at the second hand of my baby which is actually between his legs and moving. It's not clear if he's actually playing with his penis but it's hysterically funny.

"It's a boy." Christian says quietly as Doctor Greene moves back to our son's face. "We're going to have a son." He says, he's hypnotised by what's happening on the screen.

"Yeah baby." I say squeezing his hand as he holds mine.

After we finish up with Doctor Greene Taylor drives us to Escala while Christian and I just look at our baby boy's face. We're both so happy, Christian's shocked, more than I thought he would be!

"I want to name him after my grandfather in some way." Christian says quietly.

"Your Dad's Dad?" I ask and he shakes his head. "Theodore?"

"Well maybe not Theodore just something similar."

"I always liked the name James for a boy."

"James?" He says mulling the name over, I just nod.

"James Theodore, Theodore James." Neither sound right and I scrunch up my nose.

"Everyone called him Theo, Theo James?"

"James Theo."

"James Theo Grey."

It's perfect. Somehow we both just know it is. It sounds right, it rolls off the tongue.

"James Theo Grey. Well that was quick and easy." I chuckle as Christian strokes my bump softly.

"I just hope it isn't like India." Christian chuckles.

"What do you mean?"

"Well we chose Chelsea first remember?"

"Oh yeah." I chuckle and think of my darling girl, nope definitely not a Chelsea.

"India and James Grey."

"India Annalise and James Theo Grey."

"Our perfect babies." I smile as we arrive at Escala.

We eat lunch first, enjoying talking about the nursery and Christian's excitement just seems to build right in front of my eyes, the idea of a son really excites him and it's so nice to witness. I'm so happy to be having a boy too, one of each and then I'm getting an IUD and hoping for the best because I may want more children in the future but the distant future not the near future, I'd like to just enjoy our two for now and not end up being in the same spot a year from now, at the up-rise of my career and pregnant!

Christian takes me by the hand into the playroom, we may be here to play but he treats me as his equal almost. He strips me of my clothing slowly and guides me over to the bed, he changed into his playroom jeans before lunch so he's dresses as he usually is in this room, looking good enough to eat as always.

"We're going to try something a little new." He says as he sits me on the edge of the satin sheets, my heart hammers inside of my chest, excited. "I need you to lay down for me."

I lie in the middle of the bed and Christian buckles my ankles up and pulls me down so my legs are bent at approximately ninety degrees, he then fetches some rope and ties bellow and above my knee so I can't straighten them out or bend them further, I love watching him tie the rope, he concentrates so hard on making them perfect.

He gathers the pillows and piles them behind me so I'm sat at an angle and then he disappears off behind me again. When he returns he has a large dildo in his hand, slightly longer and thicker than him but not by too much that I'm worried. He smiles seductively at me and I quiver excitedly. I'm wet and ready for him but he still applies some lube onto the toy before guiding it into me. I moan, it feels nice and filling inside.

"Good girl." Christian whispers appreciatively. "Just enjoy."

He holds the silver handle of the dildo and slowly pulls it out to the tip before slowly pushing it in, I can't take all of it but Christian knows that.

"Watch it Ana, watch how your body takes it." He says and I do so, my eyes looking down at the dildo showing and the disappearing before reappearing again. "Now Ana." He says stopping with the dildo inside of me, his hand coming off the handle and leaving it implanted deep inside me, I'm panting, my orgasm having been building slowly. "I want you to play with your clit." My eyebrows rise as he smiles salaciously, encouraging me without a word to do as he says.

My hand nervously moves from my side and goes to my clit while Christian sits back on his heels just to watch.

"Make yourself come." He says and I moan, his seductive voice is as much of a turn on as his hands which now are stroking my feet.

The fingers of my left hand part my lips while my right hand strokes along my clit and my fingers roll along. Christian's hands run up and down my legs and across my feet.

"Look at me baby." He says and my eyes find his as he smiles at me. "Keep looking at me."

I moan appreciatively as I continue to stroke myself, I want his touch but he wants this, we're doing something new and I trust him, I trust he has a good reason for this.

I feel my building orgasm and my hand working my clit speeds us, swiping left and right quickly before I roll my hand, my hips rocking back and forth, my insides clenching on the implanted dildo.

"Stop." Christian yells just as I'm about to peak, his hands removing my hands from my pulsating core.

"Christian…" I pant and he grins like a canary.

"Don't touch." He says with a wink. I was so damn close!

He leans back letting go of my hands before he grabs the dildo, the impending orgasm having been coming from my clit slowly disappearing.

"Christian." I half groan and half moan as he works the dildo slowly once more, pulling it out to the tip before thrusting it up and in then removing it by pulling it up toward my face rather than out and towards him.

I can feel an orgasm coming closer through my core, a penetrative orgasm, one I'm far more familiar with. I whither and push my hips, rocking towards and away from the dildo working with Christian. Suddenly he thrusts hard and then stops again making me whimper in displeasure.

He leans into my face, his lips slowly coming against mine.

"We're not done yet." He says seductively before thrusting his tongue into my mouth making me moan. My hips rock, trying to reach a crescendo with the dildo implanted inside me but doesn't matter how much I rock or how much I squeeze my muscles it doesn't at all help me further my goal.

Christian leans away and sits back on his heels before giving me his salacious smile once more. Oh he is evil!

"Christian, please!" I beg still thrusting my hips trying to nudge the dildo but he just chuckles as I fail.

"Your clit baby, rub your clit." He says and I do it, my hand not wasting any time in getting to the spot and rubbing hard and fast.

Christian just watches, his hand removing his rock hard erection from his trousers and he works himself slowly, I want to touch him and him to touch me but he doesn't move, he just watches me, his eyes going from my core to my eyes, almost as if he's waiting for something, some signal or other.

Oh God I'm close and if Christian tries to stop me now I think I'll safeword! I'm so desperate to have an orgasm now!

"That's it baby. Keep rubbing." He says his hand pumping his cock even faster, oh God. My head rolls back as my orgasm crashes through me, it's violent, I call out, still rubbing my clit hard and fast with my hand now in a fist just swishing back and forth. Christian tugs on the dildo and I panic! My hand cups my sex as I bolt to sitting upright.

"What the hell?" I ask tears forming in my eyes. "Christian I…"

"What Ana?" He asks grinning like the cat who ate the canary.

"I… I didn't mean to…" I say and even without a mirror I'm scarlet, I just know it!

"Didn't mean to what baby?" He asks leaning into me with a gleam in his eye, what the hell I expected him to be furious.

"To… pee…" I say quietly still looking horrified.

Christian laughs, a fully belly throwing his head back laugh. I'm confused! I mean I just peed on him and he's laughing?

"Oh Ana… Ana…" He tries to speak but he's consumed by laughter.

"Christian…" I groan grabbing the pillow from behind me and hitting him with it.

"Oh Ana, baby you didn't pee." He says removing the pillow and leaning in to me, clutching my face.

"Yes I did." I groan nearly in tears, I'm so embarrassed. "I was having an orgasm and you pulled that toy out and I peed…" I say trying not to cry, this is mortifying.

"No Ana baby that wasn't pee." He chuckles before kissing me hard. "Baby…" He puts his cheek against mine, his lips right against my ear. "I just made you squirt for the first time." He says before pulling away and laughing hard.

Squirt? What the hell does he mean by squirt? And what the hell does he mean by he made me do it? He made me pee?

"What the hell Christian?" I ask hitting him in the chest as he continues to laugh loudly, barely able to catch his breath.

"Baby." He says calming as he leans into me. "You came, real female ejaculation, all women do it but usually it's not half as much you do it all the time when we have sex but its just not noticeable but the relentless orgasm through your clit and the dildo coming out up against your inner wall made you squirt baby and it was beautiful, I wanted that to happen, I was hoping I could make it happen." He says while I finally realise that I didn't pee on him while I came.

"So that was… normal?"

"Yeah." He chuckles before he kisses me. "You thought you'd peed?" He asks with a tiny chuckle.

"Yes." I groan mortified once more.

"Oh no baby I knew exactly what should have happened and it did as you came all over me I came all over you. Now we're both covered in each other's ejaculation, love juice, whatever the fuck you'd prefer to call it. Baby it's beautiful." He says as I look down at my semen covered thighs and stomach.

"And gross." I say wrinkling my nose in disgust. "I didn't know women could do that."

"Most can, actually all can it's just having a partner knowing how to make it happen." He says with a grin. "Some women can even make themselves squirt and it's beautiful baby, I love it, being bathed in your sexual fluids, hmm." He leans in and kisses me again and I lose myself in his kiss. "Now though, I want to have a hot bath with you and then we can exchange gifts."


	41. Chapter 41

**Saturday 3rd August 2013**

Today is such an exciting day. On our anniversary Christian surprised me with a two week holiday in… France and we have just arrived at Orly Airport and I'm so excited! It's also exciting because I have been asked to perform at this year's VMA's where I'm also a nominee in the Best New Artist category with the video for Beneath Your Beautiful, which means I'm co-nominated with Christian which makes the nomination all that more special!

As soon as we exit the airport we're met by Phillipe and Gaston, they shake Christian's hand and I receive a kiss on the hand from both much to Christian's disapproval and of course, they're both ecstatic with the meeting of India.

"There's also another baby on the way." Christian tells them in English so I can understand too.

"Fantastique!" Both announce before kissing my hand once again each, they're so funny!

Phillipe and Gaston drive us from the airport to our hotel. Christian (or maybe I should say Andrea!) has organised for us to stay at L'hotel Du Collectionneur.

The wealth of the building is obvious even from the outside but inside is… wow. The place is beautiful! I hold India in my arms as we look around the grand entrance foyer while Christian converses with the hotel staff and the security get our belongings to a bellboy.

It's like being back on my honeymoon hearing everyone conversing around me in French while I do catch snippets of English both American and British.

"Ready baby?" Christian asks taking India from me and perching her on his hip and taking my hand in his own. I smile as we follow Phillipe and Gaston into the elevator. I am so excited and impatient to reach the room, I tap my foot excitedly and Christian just grins down at me. Eventually though the cart comes to a stop and the doors open.

"The Royal Suite Monsieur, Madame." The bell boy says as soon as we enter the… apartment? It's huge I just know it.

We have a HUGE terrace that overlooks the Arc De Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower, it has to be the most amazing view I have ever seen and to be fair, since marrying Christian I have seen a few!

There are two bedrooms, one for Christian and I and one for India, we have a closed circuit baby monitor with camera so that we can watch her and listen out for her while having some private Mommy and Daddy time.

There are three living rooms! Who the hell needs three living rooms in a damn hotel suite?! Christian is stark raving mad for getting this room but I do love it, even if just for the terrace with a view.

Christian converses with the Bellboy in French while I happily go looking around with India. This place is just magnificent, I am actually excited to be staying here for two whole weeks I'm sure Christian has a plan of sorts, I'm just happy to be in Paris.

"Ok so I thought we can have lunch here on the terrace…" My eyes light up making Christian laugh, we've only just arrived and we're having lunch out on the terrace, oh it's heaven! "…then I was thinking we could go and explore near the hotel until we need to dress for dinner?"

"That sounds wonderful, actually I'm going to change now and change India too, it's hot here and we should all be bathed in sun lotion before getting on the terrace." I tell him as our suitcases are taken into our rooms.

"That sounds like a wise move Mrs Grey." Christian grins before he kisses me.

"Uh-oh." We both spin around to see India flat on her behind and a table lamp beside her, I hope it isn't broken.

"Yes India, hotel rooms aren't designed for babies so we have to be really careful not to take our eyes off you even for a second." Christian chuckles as he checks the lamp over and returns it to its rightful place.

Paris is amazing, lunch on the terrace is perfect with India happily babbling, behind her the Eiffel Tower a perfect backdrop. We take loads of family pictures, even using the edge of the small table as a stand to take photos with the three of us. It's perfect.

**Saturday 10th August 2013**

I've been surprised again! Christian is amazing. We've left Paris and have not long arrived in Marseille and are heading to our hotel though I am a little concerned. Christian hasn't been off his phone since we touched down which is strange, I've barley seen that pesky Blackberry all holiday, his attention being on me and India at all times.

"Baby what's wrong?" I ask leaning into him as I rub my little bump, I'm really starting to show now. It's quite funny, the paparazzi have been following us all holiday and some sad person has created a website that uploads every single picture of me with my bump ever since our announcement, they're obsessed it's pathetic but I love seeing the pictures they've labelled as "pre-pregnancy" and then week 1, week 2 and so on and seeing myself grow.

"There's been an incident." He says giving me the brush off, he looks really worried and even more so when his phone beeps again.

"With GEH?" I ask as he opens a message. "Shit is that a car?"

"Ana." He growls, I know it's at my use of the word "shit" because we're worried India will come out with a swear word next!

"Baby who's car is that?" I ask looking at his phone, it's clearly a picture of a completely totalled car, at closer look I recognise that car, I've been in that car I'm sure of it. "Is it … is it Hannah's?" I ask my breath tight in my throat as I wait for an answer. I don't need one as Christian's eyes meet mine. "Is she ok?" I ask my chest tightening, my breaths coming shorter and sharper.

"I don't know." He says quietly and it's enough for my tears to start pooling in my eyes. "I'm waiting on news from Taylor."

"And Luke?"

"He's at the hospital… he wasn't in the car Ana." He replies and I close my eyes in a silent prayer, thankful that Luke is definitely ok but in hope that it looks worse than it is and that Hannah and the baby are fine.

"We need to go home." I tell him. "Please Christian."

"The jet is already working on a flight plan to get us home, it has to refuel so we're going to go to the hotel and get something to eat and then we can fly out as soon as we have a flight plan." He says rubbing my thigh.

"She has to be ok." I say and he looks at me gravely, holy hell she has to be ok. Please God let her be ok, her and the baby inside of her.

We arrive at the hotel and Christian converses with the security while I hold India still silently praying to any God above to let Hannah and the baby be ok. I rub my own bump and try and relax, keep calm, she could be fine, she could be sitting in hospital having a cup of tea while they just keep an eye on her blood pressure making sure she's not stressing too much.

"Come on." Christian says taking me in his arm before guiding me inside.

I barely pay attention to what's going on around me. I need to know something, I need news, good or bad I just want to know, the unknown is always the worst.

Christian orders for us as I sit still holding India, ignoring the high chair that has been bought over for her. I see Christian check his Blackberry repeatedly until the food arrives.

"Eat."

"I can't. Christian please, what have they said?" I ask knowing he's had some messages.

He sighs and puts down his fork before he looks at me.

"Baby." He says taking my hand. No! No, no, no!

"Christian…" I say as the tears spill from my eyes.

"She's alive, they both are."

"Oh thank God!"

"But it's not good. Ana they've told Luke to prepare for the worst, they're debating delivering the baby now."

"That's eleven weeks too early Christian." I say gripping his hand tight as I try and wrap my head around what he's telling me.

"Taylor is ordering around the Doctors using the company credit card and our name to make sure she gets the best care, that they both get the best care and the best doctors, our flight is leaving in three hours, we'll be back in Seattle by morning ok?"

"She has to be ok." I say near sobbing, Hannah may work for me but she's so much more to me, I'm closer to her than Kate because we're always together, she saw America with me on my tour, she was there for me through everything last year, I was the maid of honour at her wedding, she's like a Sister to me, a best friend, a confidant and it breaks my heart knowing she's in pain.

"I know." Christian replies. "The baby has a good chance of survival even if it born now Ana. We just have to have faith that they'll do what's best by the baby and Hannah."

"They will right, delivering the baby would be the last resort right?"

"Yeah." He gives me a reassuring weak smile and I manage to nod my head. "Now please try and eat something, if not for you then for James and then we'll go back to the plane and get ready for take-off."


	42. Chapter 42

**Sunday 4th August 2013**

As soon as we arrive in Seattle we go straight to the hospital. Neither one of us have slept and we barley ate on the flight, it was a nightmare as we had no communication with the ground and Christian swore to get a telephone line put on both our jets so it couldn't happen again!

"Taylor what's the latest?" Christian asks as we rush towards the security guard who looks like he's had as little sleep as us.

"It's not good Ana, Christian, it really isn't good, they're discussing their options at the moment. Luke and Hannah's Mom are … are fighting about what to do."

"What do you mean about what to do?" I ask grabbing Taylor, I'm just pleased Oreon picked India up and took her to Carrie and Gail at the house because I'm a mess inside.

"Ana." Taylor says holding my shoulders. "Hannah isn't doing too well, they're doing what they can but there are decisions that have to be made for just in case."

"She's gonna live right?" I ask needing him to tell me that she is.

"I don't know. I wish I did." He replies and I turn into Christian's chest to hide my tears.

"Where are Luke and Ms Wilson?" Christian asks, his chest vibrating against my head as he holds me to him, his hands holding my back and stroking through my hair.

"They're in the family room just down the hall."

"And Hannah, I think my wife would like to see her best friend."

"I'll see what I can do Christian." Taylor replies before walking off.

"Christian." I hiccup knowing we're alone now.

"Shh baby I know." He replies kissing my head gently, I'm just a mess.

It's an agonizing wait but eventually Taylor returns but it's not with good news, well maybe not so good news. We can't see Hannah yet and Luke wants me in the family room. Christian is reluctant to allow me to go in as whatever the mother and the husband are fighting about, well it's not our business but I deserve to know, as Hannah's best friend I should know right?

Taylor leads Christian and I down the hallway and then he knocks on the door for me making the shouting from inside seize to a halt before I slip in. Both Luke and Ms Wilson look so dishevelled, it's obvious neither one of them have slept a wink but on top of that they both look furious.

"Ana." Luke says pulling me into a hug before he breaks down in tears.

"Shh, Luke, shh please. Tell me what's happening." I beg quietly as he cries.

"She's gone Ana… she's gone…" He hiccups and I pull away roughly. No! She can't be gone.

"What? And the baby… what the hell Luke?" I am near screaming.

"She's brain dead." Her mother says looking slightly calmer, I always knew she was more of a private person, I'm sure she'll do her crying later.

"What does that mean?" I ask, I'm not dumb I know what brain dead is but I want to know what that means for Hannah.

"Hannah is on life support at the moment. They took her into surgery Anastasia but it was too late." Ms Wilson has tears pooling in her eyes but she brushes them back and keeps her eyes on me. "The life support is keeping her heart beating and they have manage to do what's needed to her body to keep the baby alive for now."

"Why are you arguing though?" I ask looking up at Luke.

"They've given us an option, to keep Hannah on the life support until she's thirty eight weeks pregnant or they could deliver now."

"As a catholic they should deliver the baby now and let Hannah go with God." Ms Wilson says and Luke shakes his head violently.

"No what Hannah would want is for her baby to live."

"That's God's decision Luke!" Ms Wilson spits angrily, I have never seen or heard about this woman being angry in the entire time I've known Hannah.

"No it's my fucking decision as her husband and the father of our child!" He yells so loud that I flinch, I'm still trying to process what has been told and their argument is picking up again.

"I thought we agreed to let Ana have a say in this?" Ms Wilson replies getting all my attention from my thoughts.

"Me?"

"You knew her better than anyone." Luke replies to which I shake my head, he did, as her husband and her mother did as her Mom.

"No…"

"Please Ana, tell us what Hannah would want." Ms Wilson says looking at me with pleading eyes.

"I can't, that's not my place and she never told me."

"What do you think she would have wanted Ana?" Luke asks his own desperation obvious to me.

"I don't know." I say quietly. "All I do know is that Hannah wanted that baby more than anything… I don't know…" I shake my head as my tears come, the realisation that Hannah is technically dead hitting harder with each passing second.

"Please Luke don't go against Hannah's faith!"

"Hannah wasn't a devout Catholic and you know it!" Luke yells back, he's furious.

"You should deliver the baby Luke and let Hannah go be with God!" Ms Wilson yells furiously, her hand gripping mine so tight that it hurts.

"Ana you know she wouldn't want for us to sacrifice the baby." Luke says and in all honesty he's right, Hannah wanted her baby more than anything else in the world, if she was here and able to tell her Mom that she wanted to remain on the life support until the baby was fit to be delivered she would but she's not.

"I will fight you to the end for this Luke do you realise that?" Ms Wilson snaps.

"I'm ready for a fight. I'm doing what Hannah would want, what our child needs and deserves here!" Luke is clearly furious.

"I want to see if I can see my daughter." Ms Wilson snaps sharply before getting up and leaving the room.

"Ana…" Luke hiccups a sob and I jump to my feet and wrap him up in an embrace before sobbing right with him, we're both in so much pain but I can't imagine his, how he has to try and fight now.

"Luke I need you to tell me what the Doctors have said." I say as he begins to calm. He takes my hand and leads me to the chairs and once I'm seated he sits right beside me, never breaking the hold he has on my hand.

"Hannah had a cerebral haemorrhage from the crash, they did the surgery straight away but she was gone Ana, they have pronounced her as brain dead."

"So there's no hope?" I ask and he shakes his head and blinks back his tears. "But the baby?"

"She was already on the ventilator so her heart never stopped beating. The baby is alive, a little worked up but with drugs and stuff they can make sure that she's safe and looked after."

"She?"

"Hannah and I were having a daughter, she was so excited Ana she was imagining you and India and her and our baby girl spending the day together, oh I've only ever seen her smile like that when she walked down the aisle to me…" He is struggling to talk to me. "As her husband it is my decision to keep her on life support, they said as long as I can prove I have the money to pay for all the drugs and treatment they can keep the baby inside Hannah alive and well until thirty eight weeks when they will deliver her by caesarean. They can also keep her on till I basically can't afford it anymore or I can have her delivered now, of course the longer they keep her in there the higher the survival rate. However, Lois doesn't want that, she thinks the baby should be delivered now and that it should be God's decision whether or not my baby lives or dies… I can't lose her too Ana I just can't!" He sobs hard and I wrap my arm around him and once again I cry right along with him.

"You know I'll help with everything, you're right I know Hannah and she wanted this baby Luke." I say through my tears. "Money is no object."

"Lois is going to fight me Ana, she's going to get my rights to make decisions for Hannah and our child away from me… fuck Ana she can't let my baby die!"

"Luke we'll do what we have to, we'll get Lawyer's whatever is needed. We can do it ok? We'll fight too."

"I want to be with Hannah." He says wiping his palms on his eyes.

"Ok." I reply standing with him.

"Will you come?"

"Of course." I reply giving his hand a squeeze.

We exit the family room to see Christian and Taylor stood there waiting for us. Without a single word I let Luke lead me to where Hannah is.

Entering the room is hard but with Luke's tight grip on my hand there's nothing I can do but follow him straight inside. Lois is kneeling by the bed with rosary beads in her hands and she's praying in hushed tones.

I look at Hannah and more tears fill my eyes. Her head is completely covered in white bandages, there's a tube in her mouth, going down her throat I suspect, it's taped to her face and two huge tubes come from it and lead off to the machine on her right hand side. There are so many wires attached to her, the ventilator hisses and bleeps and I see the heart monitor and the foetal monitor and it's hard to see that her hearts beating but knowing she's dead, she's never coming back.

"Luke please…" Lois' eyes meet Luke's and I shiver, they look so cold and empty.

"No."

"Luke!"

"I don't think here's the place Ms Wilson." Christian says as the woman rises to her feet.

"No." She leans over and kisses Hannah's head. "The place is in a court room. Luke I hope you're ready for a fight." She says before walking right out of the room not even looking back.

Luke walks right up to Hannah's side and I step with him. Automatically my hand finds hers and it's horrible, she feels so warm still, I can feel her pulse! This is beyond cruel.

"Hannah." I whisper as I squeeze her hand. "Oh God Hannah."

"We won't give up baby." Luke says as he leans right into her and strokes his fingers along her brow line, the only part of her skin he's able to touch on her face. "Our little girl is going to stay right where she is for now. I promise." He whispers. "I have some paperwork I have to fill out." He says suddenly looking at me and then to Christian and Taylor.

"Come on Luke I'll take you." Taylor says and he gives me a pain filled smile before heading off.

As soon as the door closes I collapse into Christian's chest before sobbing harder than I have since I found out anything. Christian holds me tight and rocks me gently from side to side as I cling to the lapels of his jacket. She's gone, she's gone and she's never coming back.

Hannah to many people outside our close group, was just my PA, but really she was so much more than that, she is the female I have been closest to since I became Ana Grey, business woman, author and now singer/songwriter. We toured America together, we ran the London Marathon together, we were supposed to be pregnant together…

"It's not true." I say into Christian's chest. "It just can't be fucking true, everything has been perfect for so long and now… Christian." I hiccup.

"I know baby. I know." He whispers gently just as the door opens. I lift my head to see Taylor and Luke walk into the room.

Luke walks uncomfortably towards me and I move away from Christian and hug him tight. He doesn't cry, he just holds me tight and rests his forehead on my shoulder. I look at Christian who gives me a sad smile, this is excruciating.

"I'd like to be alone with my wife. You need to go home Ana, rest up and look after that baby." He says pulling away from me.

"Ok, call me if you need anything." I tell him and he nods before he hugs me once more.

"Get out of here." He says in a joking manner and I manage to give a weak laugh but there's no joy there from either of us, we're masking the sadness that consumes us.

Christian takes my hand and he and I leave with Taylor right behind us. My tears have stopped for now but I know they're not far off.

"I need to pay Fairfax a visit." I say as we stand in the elevator just the three of us.

"You want to go and see Sandra?" Christian asks and I look up at him and nod.

"I'm in shock Christian." I say quietly. "India was born so small and it was my fault because of all the stress that I had on me and I don't want that for James."

"It wasn't your fault." He mutters, I don't reply because I simply don't want an argument.

"Can you take me to Fairfax or not?" I ask him because in the state I feel inside my head right now I would most definitely take a cab to get there.

"We'll take you."

The drive to Fairfax is in silence and when we pull up outside I hurry out the car before anyone can say anything, desperate to talk to Sandra and help her figure out where I'm at so I can be a support system to Luke while Hannah is kept alive in order to save their child.

"I need to see Sandra Lee, tell her it's Ana Grey and it's an emergency." I tell the receptionist and she gives me a terse nod before picking up the phone. I turn away and look at the different mental health posters that cover the walls until I hear a tiny cough.

"Sandra Lee says you can go straight through to her office."

"Thank you." I reply with a nod before hurrying through the doors and down to Sandra's office.

I don't nod just barge in but she's already stood waiting for me and I give her a quick hug to which she adds an additional squeeze.

"Ana are you? What happened?" She asks holding my shoulders and looking at my red raw eyes.

"Hannah's dead." I say and her eyes widen in complete shock, she knows Hannah and has met her a few times.

"Come sit down sweetie." She says quickly guiding me to the couch before sitting beside me rather than opposite me.

"I don't even know what exactly happened I haven't really had the chance to ask, she was in a car accident of some sort, there was something wrong with her brain and she's brain dead but they're keeping her alive on the life support because she's pregnant." I say quickly and I see Sandra is taking everything in to talk to me afterwards.

"You're in shock aren't you." Sandra says, she isn't asking but telling me this. I nod in agreement and she gets up and goes over to her medicine cabinet and I just look down at the floor. I don't think it's really properly hit yet that Hannah's never coming back, she's gone and that's just it, the end of her life.

"This is just an anti-anxiety." She says coming back and holding out a pill pot with one solitary pill inside and a bottle of water. "You've been on them before when you were pregnant with India so I promise they're safe, it will help you relax."

I don't hesitate in taking the pills, I know that not only will it help me relax but it will bring my blood pressure down and it will be safer for James.

"Now how are you feeling?" Sandra asks still sitting beside me.

"Better." I reply exhaling deeply, I do love how quick those pills work.

"Glad to hear it." Sandra gives me a sad smile.

"She's dead Sandra." I say looking at my friend and shrink. "She's brain dead, she's never coming back."

"And how does that make you feel Ana?" She asks softly.

"I can't… she was fine when I last saw her and now she's gone… she, Kate and I planned on going shopping when I got back from France for the babies and now… she's dead… just like that."

"I think you're going to be in shock for a few days." Sandra says running her fingers through my hair. "Then you're going to go into the grieving process. Remember we talked about this concerning your Mom, you're really already there, the disbelief and the denial. I want to speak to you every day for the next couple of weeks, we don't want a re-occurrence of what happened last year."

"I know. I'm just…" I brush my hand through the air and Sandra gives me a thin smile.

"Listen I'm going to give you some anti-anxieties, as before take them as you need to. Don't work hard, spend some time with India and try and relax as much as you can. When you need to cry I want you to cry, when you want to scream go into your study and scream. Ok?"

"Sure." I nod, she's right I need to take time to accept the turbulent of emotions I'm about to be faced with as I cannot let myself get to where I was last time. That doesn't mean I can't grieve for Hannah, it just means I have to be sensible within my grieving.


	43. Chapter 43

**Apologies the date was wrong on the last chapter!**

**Monday 12th August 2013**

I have cried so much in the past twelve hours I have a migraine, but now is not the time to cry, now is the time to put on a brave face. The story broke in the press, it seems like someone at the hospital sold us out and now they have named Hannah and how she's my PA and how she's being kept on a ventilator until the birth of the baby which has sparked a mass outrage and there are people protesting outside my offices, the hospital and my home.

Luke and I briefly saw Carrick this morning and he passed us on to Cecilia Monroe, we're sitting in her office now, waiting for her to speak. We've explained the situation, what Hannah's Mom has threatened to do we just need to know what course of action Luke can take.

"This woman is delusional. She doesn't have a leg to stand on. I'll apply for an emergency restraining order that will only last thirty days, it will give her some time to think and realise there's nothing she can do if she wants to see her daughter again before she's buried but also I'll be honest and say no judge will grant a lasting restraining order."

"We don't want to stop Lois from seeing Hannah…" I say quietly, Luke has barley said a word since I met him at the hospital, his silence is killing me but I can't imagine the pain he's in… actually I can… I remember the pain when I thought Christian was dead inside a bombed GEH.

"I know, but a temporary restraining order would be seen as a warning, thirty days, just thirty days and then she can see Hannah again, she'll stop with the threats and you can all just be there for when the baby is ready to come out into the world and it's time for the machines to be turned off." Cecilia explains flicking her golden hair over her shoulder. "It's your choice but in my opinion if you do nothing then the threats will continue."

"Luke?"

"Do it." He says.

"Ok I'll need some details from you Mr Sawyer then we can file."

It's nearly an hour later when we finally leave Carrick's offices and head off, Luke wants to go back to the hospital so I drop him off, I stop by Hannah's room just to give her a kiss and a message.

"I'll do what I can for them Hannah, both of them I promise." I whisper before kissing between her brow, the only piece of skin really able to be touched. "Call if you need anything Luke, I'll be by tonight some time." I tell him before giving him a hug. All he does is hug me back before sliding into the chair beside Hannah's bed.

I spend the rest of the day with India. I don't think I can truly accept Hannah's death when she's still technically and legally alive in the hospital. When Christian comes home he spends time with India and I and we just try to be normal though it's obvious there's a dark cloud hanging over us.

**Wednesday 13th August 2013**

After spending the day yesterday with India just calling by the hospital a couple of times I'm ready today to really spend some time with Hannah. Luke has a lot of legal stuff he has to figure out and Christian has gotten him a really good lawyer and is helping with the financial aspect which means I get to spend some time alone with Hannah and not have to worry about upsetting Luke.

I first read some to her, out of a book and some of the newspaper. Then I kind of sit by her and watch some TV, the TV is a great distraction for a little while but then I get agitated and I begin writing a song.

_What wouldn't I give to see your eyes, _

_Turn to look at me and see right through my disguise_

_You always knew when something was wrong, _

_You could see right into my soul_

_And I'm already missing that_

_And now I'm falling apart because_

_You have already gone_

_And I've only memories to go on_

_And now I'm falling apart watching you dying_

_Even though you have already gone_

_Been looking through our pictures and random video clips_

_We always had a good time out on every trip_

_It's not the same remembering you_

_Without joking with you_

_And that tears me up inside_

_Really makes me need to cry_

"Because you have already gone. And I've only memories to go on, and now I'm falling apart watching you dying even though you have already gone. Yeah you're gone."

"Ana." I spin around in my seat to see a sad looking Christian.

"Hey."

"You were singing." He says coming into the room casting an uncomfortable glance towards Hannah.

"I wrote a song." I say with a shrug. "It helps me think, clear my head, organise my feelings."

"That's good. Is it about Hannah?"

"Yeah." I reply shaking my head to rid the tears out of my eyes. "How's Luke?"

"He's gone home to get some sleep. I know he can sleep here with the private room and spare bed but I thought he needed to get some time at home. How are you baby?"

"I'm coping." I admit rubbing my belly. "But I hate this so much, why did it have to be her Christian? Why did she have to die?"

"I don't know." He sighs.

"It's not fair!" I shout a little louder than intended and it gets me wrapped up in Christian's arms. "I would do anything… anything to have her here with me Christian… she's one of my best friends, she's organised my entire life for the past two years and just like that she's gone? Why can't they do something her heart still works, her body still works!"

"I know baby, I know, come on let me get you home."

**Thursday 14th August 2013**

As much as I wanted to stay in bed and do nothing today I knew that would lead me down the wrong path so I've gotten up and like my schedule said in an automated email from Hannah's iPad which I need to locate, I am in the dance studio with Chris and LeRoy today working on the VMA performance.

Arriving at Grey Records I take a detour to drop off my new song with Tito. I receive a hug from him and Lila and they both apologise for my loss, they knew Hannah some too and I know they're both a little upset so I guess they have some small idea how horrible this feels for me. I thank them before making my way upstairs to the big dance studio.

"Hey Ana we weren't expecting you today." LeRoy says as he hugs me tight.

"I needed to do something, the VMA's are around the corner and Hannah would absolutely kick my ass if I pulled out so I want to get ready, this performance is going to be for her Lee so this has got to be perfect."

"It will be chickadee you just have to trust me ok?"

"Ok." I smile at his little pet name and try and relax.

"Let me introduce you to the dancers and backings."

Once the introductions are over its straight into rehearsing I'll of course be performing Cinderella and the VMA's are known for having some crazy performances and yes Chris and LeRoy have some brilliant ideas.

I am going to be singing for the first time with a headset. There's also a lot of dancing involved. I asked him numerous times if he remembered I was nearing five months pregnant and would be five months pregnant at the VMA's but he promised me we were safe, he knew his stuff and of course I trust him.

After we break for lunch I am a sweating mess but so is everyone else. I love being here in the studio. For a few hours I get to feel young and carefree again when it's something I'm never really going to be. I'm twenty three a month off my twenty fourth birthday, I am married to a multi-billionaire, I am a multi-millionaire, business owner, international award winning author, singer, song-writer and most importantly a Mother to one soon to be two. All those things don't allow me to be carefree.

Once back in the studio we get back to work. I'm wearing a pair of three inch heels and am practising the singing with the dancing, God it's hard especially as James is shifting against my ribs.

"Ana are you ok?" LeRoy asked.

"Yeah, I think I'm getting it." I reply, I'm not a dancer but LeRoy pointed out to me that his dance moves are designed for people who can't dance to look like they can.

"Ok from the top!" LeRoy calls making everyone hurry to their positions.

Chris is sitting looking over the stage design as to judge how and where each set of dancer will stand. It's going to be my biggest performance to date, even bigger than the charity gig.

"I don't wanna be like Cinderella, sitting in a dark old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody to come and set me free." I kick my leg out and ball-change just as directed, swinging my arms out. I feel so breathless but exhilarated at the same time, my voice sounds stronger than it's ever been though it feels weaker.

"Cut!" LeRoy yells as an older, lost looking woman walks in. "Are you lost Ma'am?" He asks and her eyes scan the room before falling on me and she shakes her head.

I walk slowly from my place, pulling off my headset as I do. Who is this woman? She looks quite official, her greying hair is tied in a tight knot on the top of her head and she's wearing a black trouser suit.

"Ana Grey, may I help you?" I ask offering the woman my hand.

"Mrs Grey, Mr Grey hired me to be your personal assistant on a short term basis just for the coming future."

My eyes nearly fall out of my head, my breath is snatched from my lungs. What the hell? I am furious, beyond furious.

"I'm sorry Mr Grey must have made a mistake." I say quietly as LeRoy puts his arm around me, I think he can see I'm unsteady on my feet now, I'm light-headed and shocked.

"No there was no mistake, he said you were in dire need of a short term personal assistant, I have years of experience Mrs Grey…"

"I think you should leave it's clear Mrs Grey isn't in need of your services." LeRoy says sounding angry.

I catch the woman looking from me to LeRoy wearily but after a moment she seems to realise that I'm with LeRoy and turns around to leave. I exhale a breath I was barely aware of holding and look at my choreographer.

"Can we take a break?" I ask and he nods allowing me to run and fetch my coat and purse before heading out.

I'm beyond furious as I drive to Grey's House. If I wanted a new personal assistant I would sort out hiring one, I don't need Christian doing it for me.

When I enter the building I receive a lot of looks of complete confusion. I'm not surprised. My long hair is in one very messy on top of my head bun with bits poking out everywhere, I'm in a pair of leggings and a dress top with a pair of black suade heels and grey socks turned over them to keep them on my feet when I'm dancing.

On the top floor Olivia and Andrea are shocked but I guess they see my anger as they do nothing to stop me from marching straight to my husband's office. I don't even knock just barge in which ends up interrupting a meeting with some man.

"Ana, baby what are you doing here?" He asks looking from his guest to me.

"We need to talk. Now." I say through gritted teeth, I know I'm not leaving any room for argument.

"Mr Neilson, if you would mind stepping outside, Olivia will fetch you something to drink. This shouldn't take long."

"It will take as long as I needs." I growl and the man is quick to shake Christian's hand, nod his head towards me and then scarper out the door.

"What the fuck Anastasia?" He growls.

"What the fuck Anastasia?" I ask spitting at him. "How about what the fuck Christian?"

"What?"

"I don't need a fucking personal assistant Christian."

"Oh you met Georgina."

"Oh yes and I sent her on her fucking merry way too, actually LeRoy did because I was in such a state of shock I couldn't speak!"

"Ana you need someone to watch your schedule you have a busy couple of weeks coming up."

"Screw you Christian!" I yell leaning on his desk and glaring at him. "Hannah's not even cold yet!"

"Baby…"

"No!" I scream, my anger is winning here, the cool slightly more rational me is leaving the fucking building and hailing down a cab leaving me with irrationality and fury. "She's still fucking breathing and you want me to take on someone else?!"

"Ana…"

"Do you know how much it fucking hurt when she introduced herself as my personal assistant?! Do you have any fucking idea!? Hannah was my friend, one of my best friends, she's still in hospital, she's never coming back but she's still alive!"

"Ana." Christian envelopes me in his arms but I fight him off.

"Don't touch me!" I scream. "I am furious with you!"

"I didn't think you'd react so badly…"

"React so badly?" I don't think I'll have a voice left by the time I'm done. "Christian you should have asked me! Spoken to me! I don't need or want another personal assistant."

"You do need one, Ana you've got a heck of a schedule and someone has to keep on top of it."

"I will do it! I'll run my own life for once fucking hell Christian! Hannah is the only personal assistant I want and seeing as I can't have her I don't want one ok?!"

"I'm sorry."

"You fucking should be!" I snap before turning on my heels and hurrying out of his office I can't face him right now.

"Ana!" He yells sounding angry. I don't turn around and instead poke the button for the elevator but it seems someone used it already and the damn thing is on the ground floor. "Do _not_ fucking leave me on an argument." He hisses pulling me away from the elevator.

"Fuck you. You inconsiderate bastard." I say my tears coming thick and fast no matter how much I try to brush them off.

"We're not done talking about this."

"I am."

"Well I'm not!"

"You wanna argue about it here, fine, you may manage my career but you don't fucking mess around with my personal affairs. If I want another PA I'll fucking hire one Christian."

"That's fine but you're going to listen to my reasons and let me apologise before fucking walking off." He says but I make no move to head to his office. "Here?" He glances towards Olivia who is gawping and Andrea who is trying to look busy.

"Right here."

"Fine." He says letting me go and standing his full height. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I don't want you stressed with the baby, I want you to be able to relax and try and enjoy the coming weeks. I was wrong, I shouldn't have hired the PA without talking to you about it first but Ana you need her, you can't possibly manage everything on your own."

"I'm using Missy, Hannah's PA, she's staying at AP where she belongs and she emails me, it's fine for now." I admit quietly, I knew I couldn't manage it on my own so I contacted Missy who is usually in charge of the little things Hannah hasn't got the time to do, the PA of the PA.

"Well if I'd known that I wouldn't have interfered." He says before enveloping me in his arms. "I'm so sorry baby."

"Just seeing her there Christian." I cry. "Standing announcing to me she was there to do Hannah's job it killed me Christian… Hannah's not dead yet… not yet…"

"I know baby." He kisses the top of my head. "Come on let's get into my office."

"I want to go home."

"Then I'll take you. Andrea can you please re-arrange any meetings, I'm taking my wife home." He says without letting go of me. I cling tight to him now wanting him to let go of me.

"Of course Mr Grey." I hear before I'm being turned a little and we enter the waiting elevator to go home.


	44. Chapter 44

**The lyrics in this song have been changed. No copyright infringement intended, for entertainment only.**

**Sunday 25th August 2013**

My Dad's getting married today. Wow. I never thought I'd see Ray re-marry but here I am in Montesano with India and Christian to watch him become a husband once more. It makes me happy to see him happy, it really does.

The past week or so has been so sad. I've split my time between rehearsals, recording the new song for my second album, and being at Hannah's bedtime. I can't accept she's never coming back. I talk to her and the baby. I make small insignificant promises to them. It's horrible though, sitting in her room where her heart monitor beeps loudly and knowing she's never coming back, she's basically a human incubator for baby girl Sawyer.

The wedding is perfect for Dad and Marge, it's just the two of them and Christian, India and I. We hired a photographer to take photos of us outside the church and Christian and I hired a private dining room and got a cake and some music so they can have a first dance.

It's just perfect, simply the vows and some prayers. The simplicity of it shows how beautiful and meaningful the day is, yes Ray is in a suit and Marge wears an ivory skirt suit and she has flowers but everything is so simple. It's perfect.

After our meal and once Ray and Marge have danced I dance with Ray to my song, "You can let go now Daddy"

I smile as the second verse starts and Christian picks up India. It's so sweet.

"We arrived at ten in the morning, the car packed with my things. Eighteen and starting college, only just starting to find my wings. My parents walked me to my room and my eyes filled up with tears, my Daddy took me in his arms so I whispered in his ears. You can let go now Daddy, you can let go. Oh I think I'm ready to do this on my own, it's just a little bit scary but I want you to know I'll be ok now Daddy you can let go." I sing quietly in his ear as we dance, I feel his smile against my cheek.

"The Day that I got married, it was my special day. Daddy walked me down the aisle to give me away. He stood and watch another man on my finger put a ring. I know he feels it in his heart and that's why I hold him and sing. You can let go now Daddy, you can let go, your little girl is ready to do this on my own it's still a little bit scary but I want you to know I'll be ok now Daddy you can let go."

When the song is done Ray has tears in his eyes and wipe them away softly. I know he understands in a way that me choosing this song was me saying he is free to enjoy his life with Marge now. They'll arrive back from their honeymoon to their new home in Seattle. I can't wait to really have them nearby, especially as I'm close to becoming a Mom for the second time.

**Sunday 8th September 2013**

I am depressed. Seriously depressed. I'm in my room being primed and prepped all ready for the MTV Video Music Awards where I am up for a nomination as Best New Artist, I thought it was for Beneath Your Beautiful apparently that was wrong it's for Cinderella. Also, Christian and India are in New York while I'm in LA. Christian has business to do and he thought it would be easier for him to take India and me to take Taylor so he has Oreon and Ryan with him while I have both Gail and Taylor with me.

Gail is my date, she will be sitting in Christian's seat whereas Taylor will be with other security people doing security stuff.

I'm depressed because Christian isn't here, I'm depressed because I miss Hannah even more today than I imagined, usually she's here running the show but I'm basically sorting everything on my own. I'm not really depressed, that's an exaggeration, I am sad though even mixed in with all the excitement for my first VMA's.

"Right Ana I am going to head down to the end of the blue carpet to wait for you." Gail says straightening out her dress.

"Sure." I give her a tense smile as my hair is finished being put in place.

"You'll do great, and Ana if it counts, I'm sure he's watching."

"I know." I smile tensely before she heads out of the room.

I'm dressed in a simple blush pink drss that falls to my mid-thigh, over my growing bump. I'm not as big as I was with India as I am carrying much more in the front but I am still big for five months. I look ready to pop. The top of the dress has gold sequins on and I'm wearing nude heels. My costume for my performance is already at the VMA's ready for me to change and get up. I don't even know why I have to sit in the audience until I perform, the award I'm up for is voted by the public and isn't announced till about fifteen minutes after I perform so I would much prefer to skip the pre-show and sit backstage till I have to go out there but no I have to put on a mask and do my duty… ugh.

I walk through the hotel lobby where the pre-show part is. Now I say hotel lobby, it's had a mass makeover and now looks like a huge catwalk with people all around. I do my interviews, thanking people who have already voted for me, they ask about Hannah and the baby and then my baby, India and Christian. I don't know how I keep a smile on my face but eventually I do and I meet Taylor and Gail and head to the Nokia Centre.

Inside is amazing. There are people here who I could only ever dream of associating with and people here who I have associated with. I receive a huge hug from Bruno Mars and the boys from One Direction which is nice before finally Gail and I get to sit down.

I try to enjoy it and really I do because it's hard without Hannah, before we'd make jokes and we'd be stupid and we really would make the boring parts enjoyable, I can't do that with Gail, not in the same way but she seems to be having fun.

When I'm collected to change for my performance I am led to a dressing room backstage where a stylist is waiting for me. The outfit is insane, especially considering I'm pregnant. It's a pink dress… well a bikini top then a dress with the entire bust missing and the beginning of my belly but the way it has been designed it hides my bump completely. My skirt is super short, like a belt almost but it has built in panties to go over my panties so when I turn and show my ass it doesn't matter, I know Christian has given his all clear on this outfit. All outfits designed for me and selected for me performing now go through him ever since Britain's Got Talent. I don't mind at all, saves me making the decisions and worrying about them!

The jacket I wear is a denim Michael Jackson type one but we leave it open covering my bump up completely, I get to look sexy and not pregnant!

Bruno Mars introduces me which is really nice, it's special in a way because we know each other. I stand ready behind the smoke screen and when the music starts up I hurry out.

I dance like there's no fucking tomorrow, giving this performance everything I have got. Even remember the stupid key change that Tito and Lila decided to put into the song. I run over the bridge part from one stage to the other and I enjoy singing and dancing and going completely over the top and when it ends I smile, wave, take a bow and hurry backstage to change into my dress once more.

The Best New Artist award is voted for by the fans. They text for whoever they want to win and the voting has been going on all through the day and longer. I don't mind if I don't win. In all honesty I just want the award show to end so I can get on a plane and get home, hopefully Christian will be there but I doubt it somehow, I know he's in New York for another couple of days.

I hate the seating here. It's like all the celebs and their teams are sitting in a theatre seating area and then the fans are all stood around the strange shaped stage. It's crazy. Some of the fans look as bored as I feel but we all still clap when we should and smile continually for the cameras. I think I'm going to take maternity leave from now until a couple of weeks before the AMA's and then again fully after the AMA's. At the moment, my heart really isn't in my work. Maybe I can write my new album completely myself while I'm off, that would be something right?

Miley Cyrus and her husband are presenting the award and they walk out onto the stage looking so loved up. It's cute, they're like Christian and I two years ago, newly weds happy in love!

"The next award is known for being the start up for many new artists, the VMA award for Best New Artist is often the first VMA for many artists who go on to win plenty more." Miley reads from the prompter.

"Tonight, thanks to your votes another artist will be on their way too." Her husband reads earning a smile from Miley, God it makes me miss Christian even more. It's pathetic, I blame it on hormones.

"The votes have been closed and counted and once again here are the nominees for Best New Artist."

"Carly Rose with Sunshine smile."

"Ray Sontana with Rock it out."

"Big Turn It's our time to party"

"Ana with Cinderella"

"Frankenfart Tipsy oh no."

"and Little Michael turn it up loud."

"And the winner is."

"Ana."

Really?

Gail jumps to her feet and cheers and claps loudly. Everyone around me is on their feet while I'm still sat completely shocked.

Really?

Oh my God.

I get to my feet and hug Gail tight as I smile broadly. I am in shock. Real shock oh my God I didn't think I had a chance!

I leave my seat which is quite high up in the theatre and slowly make my way down the steps. The confusing stage pattern and fans around make it hard for me to figure out where to go but then I'm pointed in the right direction by one of the MTV workers.

The place is electric with cheers as it has been for every award announcement but now I feel that energy running through me as I make my way up the steps to start the long winded walk to the main stage. I wave at people and fans and run my hand through them with a huge smile on my face, I am in such a state of shock I think I may pass out.

Finally I make it to the stage and I receive a hug and an air kiss from Miley and I shake her husband's hand before the moon man is given to me.

"Wow." I say over the shouts, the artists have all quietened down to listen but the fans are still shouting loudly. "Uh I didn't expect this… wow… uh what can I say." I run my free hand through my hair and look at the award in my hand. "This is the stuff dreams are made of, I am … I'm here!" I squeal earning a lot of laughs. "Oh uh ok I didn't write anything but I have some people I want to thank of course my beautiful husband Christian who wasn't able to be here tonight who pushed me to record this song and release it. My babies." I rub my belly. "India Mommy loves you and I can't wait to see you. Lila who wrote the song, Tito who did the music, Chris, LeRoy, you're all amazing. I'd like to… uh dedicate this award, Hannah… this is for you… I wouldn't be half the woman I am today if it wasn't for your love and friendship over the past couple of years. I miss you so much, rest with God my darling. Thank you."

The music begins to play and Miley wraps an arm around me to walk off the stage. I'm not crying, I think I'm still stunned in all honesty. I just can't wait to get home and share this with Christian and with Hannah.


	45. Chapter 45

**The lyrics in this song have been changed. No copyright infringement intended, for entertainment only.**

**Monday 10th September 2013**

Well what a depressing birthday this is turning out to be. India is here, Christian sent her home with Carrie yesterday so I could be with her on my birthday but he's doesn't think he can make it back till tomorrow. I understand. He's working hard so he can take some time off when baby James comes so I really don't mind him missing my birthday. I just hope he'll be here for India's birthday.

Of course, he called me to congratulate me on my award, and he did see my speech and he was proud of me and he said I shouldn't be so surprised that I'd won. I still am though, I look at the trophy now beside my IBA's and I am still in shock.

"Mama." India says walking into the room with a wrapped gift in her hand. "Ressie."

"Is it a pressie for Mommy?" I ask and she nods as she hands me the gift.

I smile and pick her up onto the couch before looking at the label.

"To Mommy from Indie." I read in Christian's handwriting, guess he wanted to me to have something to open on my birthday. I smile as I open it and India watches fascinated. Inside I find a cushion with "Mommy I love you more than cupcakes" on it in black bold lettering. I can't help but grin, it's so precious.

"Oh India baby girl I love it." I say picking up and snuggling her even though she is interested in the wrapping paper.

After spending a Mommy and Indie day it's time to go to Grace and Carrick's for food. I did try to get out of it but Grace was having none of it. I just don't see the point. Kate and Elliot will be there but Kate is a month away from her due date now and is tired and cranky and would probably much rather not have to travel to Bellevue, Christian's away and Mia is in LA living it up with her new husband. Of course Ray will be there with Marge and Bob too so I guess I have to make the effort.

"Hello my darling." Grace smiles as she meets me at the door.

"Hello Grace." I grin.

"Happy birthday." She says as she kisses my cheek.

"Thank you."

"Why don't you go through to the living room and I'll fetch you a drink."

"Sure, thanks." I say holding India's hand as she toddles pulling me almost with her.

"Hello baby."

My mouth is on the floor.

"Christian." I smile before hurrying over to him and enveloping him in my arms, dropping my lips onto his. God four days apart, I really have missed this man. How the fuck did I do a state to state tour?!

"I missed you. Happy Birthday baby."

"I missed you too and thank you."

"Ok let's keep things PG." Elliot announces leading Kate into the living room, she's absolutely glowing and I can't help but be a little jealous, she only has a month to go and her bump is smaller than mine. She looks amazing, I feel like a fat slob.

"Hey. You look beautiful." Christian says as if he's reading my thoughts.

"Thank you baby." I grin before kissing him gently.

"Can we do Ana's presents now Mom?" Elliot asks as Grace comes in with a tray of drinks and Carrick right behind her.

"Sure if that's what Ana wants to do." Grace looks at me and I shrug. I have my present, Christian's here.

"Sit down Ana." Grace encourages and Christian leads me to an arm chair while India happily dives into her toy box.

"Ok so who wants to go first?" Grace asks as Carrick pulls my gifts from them from the little cupboard beneath the glass cabinet.

"We will." Kate says nudging the bag Elliot's holding.

He comes over and passes it to me and I smile and dig through the tissue till I find my gift.

"Christian said you'd fallen in love with all things Liberty London." Kate says as I pull out a box with the logo on it. I grin and nod as I open the box to find a beautiful scarf inside.

"Oh Kate it's lovely, thank you." I smile, she nods as I run my fingers over the soft and expensive fabric before Grace approaches me with another gift.

"Mia sent this." She says a little saddened, I know why, she had hoped Mia would come home.

"Thank you Grace." I reply placing the gift on my knee as Christian puts the box off Kate and Elliot to one side.

I open it and find a stunning set of earrings off both Mia and Ryan according to the card. They're really not my type of thing but they're gorgeous and I know I'll have to wear them to an event or something to Mia can see them in my ears.

My next gift is from Grace and Carrick, they inform me with a smile that it really is difficult to buy stuff for Christian and I. Their gift is a very big photograph of Christian and I at the IBA's on the red carpet, mounted onto a canvass, it's wonderful.

Christian's gift is obscene! It's a set of Swarovski crystal headphones, big huge studio like ones that he says actually work and I should use when working on my new album, he is insane!

Off Bob, Marge and Ray got together and bought me a big set of glass hanging photo frames and my last gift off India is her fingerprint and name on a metal keyring.

When we sit down to dinner I'm just so happy because Christian's here and we're together again.

**Wednesday 12th September 2013**

Today is India's first birthday! I can't believe she's one already! This time last year I was in the beginnings of labour with her, and it feels like only yesterday.

"How's everything coming along?" Christian asks as I finish up on decorating the three tiered cake that has been in the oven since first thing this morning.

"We're almost there." I reply placing another tower cap on. India's cake is a princess castle, I am copying it out of a book hoping it will look similar to what it's supposed to be.

India is getting excited, she's been up early to and though I know we say babies don't really understand I think she knows this is her special day. She keeps wondering towards the gifts and she happily picks at the masses of food Gail and I made and nibbles.

Of course there are balloons everywhere and we've also got a big banner on the front of the house with "India's 1st Birthday Bash" even though in all honesty we don't have many people coming who aren't family.

There's Gwen and her two sons, Gwen is the Mom who runs the playgroup we take India, her two boys are two and three Jackson and Joshua, then also there's Maya of course and her son Kai who's a couple of months older and India's pretend boyfriend! And Maya's daughter Chloe who's four. Also there's a couple of the other Mom and Dad's that Christian and I have mingled with and a couple of Nanny's that have been invited by Carrie, we asked her to put a couple of them down along with the children as she's taken India to the playgroup a couple of times. What I like about all of these people is they're all more like me, more down to earth. I'm not the same person I used to be and neither are they by the looks of things, like me most of the Mom's in the playgroup married into wealth before doing stuff for themselves, some of them don't do anything and are stay at home Mom's, some of them have husbands who work for Christian!

The best surprise for everyone was Mia, Ryan and the crew all turning up. We had invited all of them of course but we hadn't expected them to come, especially not Ryan's family and Mia's biological family but the whole gang is here.

Christian, Elliot and Taylor are in charge of the grill, we've got a bouncy castle, a balloon guy and a really cool bubble guy, we skipped the clown but we have got a candyfloss machine and a big popcorn machine and of course a carousel and this is all in the yard!

There is press out in the front and as we wait for everyone to arrive Christian and I agree it's a good idea to let them get a picture of the birthday girl, maybe then they'll leave after it's clear the guests have arrived.

We carry India most of the way not wanting to spoil her party dress but then we do let her walk holding mine and Christian's hand and the press do get some photographs.

They shout all sorts of questions at the three of us and India makes everyone giggle when she yells "Bir-day" her speech is coming along great now, some words coming out great! Other's not so great, I almost cried laughing when Zach was trying to teach her to say "knock knock and it came out "cock cock." Christian didn't see the funny side.

Once back at the house the party really gets underway. I keep on top of the snacks with Gail while mingling with everyone and taking it in turns supervising India with Christian, we're both trying to enjoy today and put the bad few weeks behind us for India but it's not easy, every now and again I feel the missing people, Hannah and Luke, knowing how much fun I could be having with Hannah laughing and joking about the pregnancies and stuff… it's hard but I don't let it cloud India's special day.

India clearly has a blast but by three pm, three hours after the party started, she's snoozing on my lap. Everyone else is having fun though so I am content in sitting on the porch swing with my baby girl just watching.

"Aww just look at her."

"It's tough turning one." I smile at my shrink as she sits in the wicker chair opposite me.

"Yes it is." She agrees chuckling.

"She was up early this morning, I guess she was excited and now the excitement is beginning to wear off." I say knowing Sandra is going to probe. "I'm fine too."

"I can see." She smiles. "How have you been holding up?"

"Some days are just easier than others." I shrug. "I wish I could say I was fine but I miss her so much, especially today, I feel her presence missing today."

"I bet, though you seem like you've been enjoying yourself."

"Oh I have been, I just every now and again someone says something or does something and I imagine turning to Hannah and saying something and laughing but she's not there you know?"

"I understand." She replies with a sad smile.

"It's the same with my Mom though, I've thought of her a lot today but … but it doesn't hurt as much because more time has passed and I know that with Hannah it will be the same, I will always think of her but it won't hurt as much in the future."

"I'm glad you've realised that."

"Doesn't stop it hurting anymore now does it? And if you don't mind I'd really rather not talk about this today." I tell her and she smiles understandingly before seeing Christian approaching with drinks and leaving me alone.

"She's exhausted." He chuckles handing me a glass of orange soda which has become my favourite drink lately.

"Yeah."

"Lots of the kids seem to be tiring now." Christian says sitting beside me.

"Yeah."

"I think everyone will be starting to leave shortly."

"As much as I've enjoyed it today I'm looking forward to seeing my bed tonight."

"How about I take India from you and you go start handing the party bags out?"

"I'd much rather she was awake for it." I say frowning. "She should say goodbye right?"

"Yeah, and if she sleeps too much now she won't sleep tonight. You wake her, I'll get her a drink."

"No more soda." I say warning as he stands, I think India has been treated to enough soda from now till her next birthday!

"Ok."

I wake India up slowly and Christian comes back with a Sippy cup of juice for her which she drinks while cuddling up to my bump. We have explained to her that inside Mommy's tummy is her baby brother, who is a baby, she's grasped that there's a baby in Mommy's tummy. She'll say "Baby" when touching my bump but I don't think she really grasps the concept that the baby is going to be her brother and is going to live with us and everything. We have shown her the DVD of the 4D scan so I hope she gets it a little.

After India's awake she wants to play some more so I let her go and I get the bags ready to give to the kids as they leave. We've not gone over the top, they're simple gift bags with some candy and some small toys in, ok they're not ninety nine cent store tiny toys that were in most of my friends' booty bag when I went to parties but they're not over the top expensive either. I don't think that each bag mounts to ten dollars on their own!

Thankfully it's only family left by five pm and we continue to eat grilled food while clearing up and India continues running around the yard while everyone else mucks in with the tidying up until Kate and I are marched to sit down by the now lit enclosed fire pit to keep warm and relax with some drinks.

"I'm exhausted." Kate says kicking off her shoes, I can't help but laugh, she's due in one month approximately, she hasn't shared her due date with anyone, why I don't know but then that's Kate.

"Tell me about it." I say and she smiles. "Are you excited yet?"

"I'm ready for it to be here." Yes she hasn't shared the sex either but neither has Christian and I, we decided to keep that one to ourselves, and the name.

"Me too at least you only have a month." I reply making her laugh.

"Oh you won't be too far behind honey." She says still laughing. "Mia wants us to go to LA with her for the weekend to do some shopping."

"Oh no…"

"I said no, I could go into labour tomorrow, there's no way in planet earth that I'm chancing a trip to LA, not like you Ms American Music Award nominee."

"Oh you heard…"

"Heard? I had to read it in Billboard magazine Ana, you could have told me…"

"Kate in all honestly the last thing I've been thinking about is the American Music Awards."

"You're up for New Artist of the year and after your VMA Ana you're sure fire to win this and not only are you up for an award you're also performing and the AMA's is known for the wackiest performances ever so spill what is in the bag."

"Kate I'll be nearing eight months pregnant when the AMA's are happening, the last thing I'm thinking about is strutting my stuff on stage."

"Are you singing Cinderella?"

"Nope."

"No?" Kate looks gobsmacked, horrified even.

"Kate I'll be eight months pregnant, I am not dancing on stage, I'm going to stand there and sing ok?"

"But Ana, it's the AMA's!" I have to roll my eyes, I love her I do.

"Yes and I'll be seven and a half months pregnant, how about you get up give me a good song and a dance and then I'll do it at the AMA's." She looks at me to ask me if I can be serious. "Yeah exactly Kate, I'm doing a new song."

"A new song?!"

"Well it's going to be released before the AMA's, it's not going to be a complete new song by the time I perform it." I reply with a shrug, I understand her drama moment here, she knows more about the world I live in than me!

"So what's the song called?"

"T-shirt."

"T-shirt?" She looks sceptical at me, yeah I get it, the song's name is ridiculous.

"I wrote it." I add but that doesn't add to Kate's relaxation. "Just trust me it's good, Tito and Lila wouldn't let me record it if it wasn't."

"What's it about?" She asks digging into the chips Elliot has dumped in front of us.

"Christian being away." I reply with a thin lipped smile. "I wrote it just after the VMA's when he was in New York, technically it was on my birthday and I dropped it off with Tito and Lila yesterday."

"Oh, well I can't wait to hear it." She smiles.

"So enough about my career, how's maternity life?"

"Ugh, I feel fat all the time, I'm like a whale!"

"Kate, I'm bigger than you and I have four months to go!" I reply giggling as she throws a chip at me.

"Well first baby." She shrugs as if that's an explanation.

"I was bigger with India you whore." I tell her throwing a chip back making her growl before shoving more chips in her mouth.

Eventually Christian and Elliot join us and we wrap up under blankets while India continues to play with her grandparents on the bouncy castle, yeah a ten minute nap and I'm convinced Ray and Carrick have been sneaking her more soda and candy giving her a sugar high.

"So Christian was saying about the electrician coming to put an intercom with a built in monitor in every room in the house."

"Yeah even the bathroom." I say still not happy about that notion. "The only thing I like about it is that we can knock the monitor button in India's room and we'll be able to hear her in whatever room we're in by just turning the monitor up."

"It's a good idea baby maybe we could get it in our place?" Kate says turning to Elliot.

"Christian was saying the same thing, you wanna?"

"Yeah, it would be good. The house is big enough that we could use it."

"Yeah." Elliot smiles.

We spend a good hour just he four of us sitting and talking about the pregnancies and births, Kate is panicking about the birth but me, if it goes like India's I'll be happy, a natural birth back in Swedish with Michaela my Doula and Sally my midwife and of course Dr Greene.

Kate has asked for the works, epidural and gas and air… big baby. She said if she wasn't scared of surgery she'd totally go the too posh to push route.

Eventually we get India bathed and to bed and that's it for us for the birthday's this year. Thank heavens, India's birthday has been brilliant but also exhausting. She was spoilt rotten of course and not by us, we limited to two gifts off Mommy, two gifts from Daddy, one from shrimp and one that Christian and I chose together and we also had a budget of two and a half thousand dollars. (I said one thousand but Christian said two and a half, not my idea!)


	46. Chapter 46

**Saturday 28th September 2013**

Today is a real mixed emotions day. Luke and myself are going baby shopping but not for me, for him. It's really hard, already and we've not even started shopping yet. He's trying to be happy, but he isn't at all and I understand that. He's shopping for his baby which is still growing inside of his dead wife, it's heart-breaking.

I drive us to University village where I know we'll be able to get most things that Luke needs, we've written a list of the furniture and equipment and a separate list of everything else.

Village maternity, a store that I frequented when I was pregnant with India and again this time, is a place where we start. Luke and I walk around together and we get pacifiers, bottles, baby skincare stuff, clothing, a carrier and diaper bag. It's a good start.

It's heart-breaking and horrifying when I am mistaken for Luke's wife. Two different employees make the same mistake and I see Luke's face crumple each time, like he's about to burst out in tears but he holds it together and we move on to the next store.

We get more clothes over at Hannah Anderson, and I make a note to come and do some shopping here for India and James, the clothes are so pretty. Then it's time for the furniture. Our first stop is room and board and I spot the list in Luke's hand. It's in Hannah's handwriting so it's obviously something she put together before the accident.

After we're done I take Luke to Pallino for lunch. I know that he hasn't been eating and I can see through his jacket that he's lost a lot of weight. He's been so unusually quiet, for so long and I know it's unusual circumstances but I feel like my guard and friend is a ghost of who he was, I feel like when Hannah died I lost Luke too.

"I need to talk to you about something." Luke says as we both dig into our pasta. I look at him and find he isn't look at me. It's so unlike Luke, it breaks my heart.

"You know you can talk to me about anything Luke." I tell him and finally his eyes meet mine in a sad smile.

"Hannah and I had talked about what we wanted for our daughter. We want you and Christian to be her God-parents and I'd really like to stand by that, she'll be Christened into the Catholic faith. I was hoping you could talk to Christian about it."

"Of course and Luke we'd both be honoured, I know my husband."

"Just talk to him to be sure." He says and I nod and smile, I really am honoured. "Now more than ever I need to know someone will be there for her because with Hannah gone she's only got me."

"Luke we'll always be here for you, for both of you." I tell him and he nods solemnly, I really didn't think today would turn out like this.

"Because of the chances of her being a sick baby because of the drugs and the complications in the pregnancy we're going to christen her at the hospital straight after the birth."

"Ok."

"And I need you with me Ana… I need you there when they bring my baby girl into the world."

"I'll be there." I promise him as I take hold of his free hand. "Whatever you need Luke just tell me and I'll do what I can ok?"

"Thank you." He says blinking back his tears. "You're a great friend Ana."

"I try to be." I shrug making him laugh through his tears and I finally manage to smile as I take my own napkin to wipe my own tears, I don't want to breakdown here, I can do that when I get home later.

"So when are you going to sort out that baby's nursery?" He asks signalling my stomach.

"Ah, Christian declared he wanted to surprise me with the nursery but in all honesty I think he wants complete control of it… you know first Son." I decide to break the news to Sawyer because I think he needs a little light in his life right now. The shock and then the smile he gives me shows it did exactly what I wanted and hoped it would.

"A boy."

"Yeah."

"Wow, I bet Christian is over the moon."

"Yup." I laugh and Luke just smiles at me.

"So you're letting him do the nursery."

"Yes. I know he'll do it nice and I got what I wanted with India's nursery."

"Have you chosen a name?"

"Yeah."

"But you're not sharing." He teases and I just smile, no he got the sex, he's not getting the name too!

After we've eaten Luke seems in a better mood as we finish picking things out for his daughter and when we're done I am exhausted when I drop him off but I get a hug before he exits the car.

When I arrive home I feel Christian in on the trip and Luke's news.

"They want us to be God-Parents?"

"I think they know we'd be there for their child and with Hannah already gone Christian Luke needs this more than ever." I explain as I make dinner and he chills at the breakfast bar.

"Wow Ana, I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know Christian, of course we would." I tell him frowning as I turn with a potato peeler in one hand and a half peeled potato in the other.

"Ana we've got our own second child on the way and we've already got responsibility of Zachary if anything happens to Gail and Jason, Kate and Elliot are having their first child…"

"Ok Kate and Elliot both have a large family, there are your parents, Kate's parents, Mia and Ryan and Ethan, Luke has no one, he'll never speak with Lois again and Lois isn't exactly young, she's older than your parents." I reply and he sighs and runs his hand through his hair. "And we were going to ask Hannah and Luke to be this child's God-parents."

"Yes but this is different."

"No it isn't, India has Gail and Jason and Rhian and John, we agreed on Kristin, Hannah and Luke for this baby." I reply remembering that conversation, he loved the idea of having Kristin just hated the fact that this baby would only have three God-Parents.

"Yeah and we're yet to re-think that." He says and I grit my teeth, I'm not ready to begin re-thinking who is going to be our child's God-parents, not yet.

"We're that child's hope if anything happens to her Christian, if anything happens to Luke we can take responsibility, we have the financial means, the family, we don't worry about anything like that, India is perfect. For a one year old child she's well mannered, well behaved, she's perfect and we've been lucky."

"It's because we're good parents." Christian says as I turn back to the potatoes.

"Yes we're good parents but there are many good parents who don't have good children Christian. Some children are just like that we've been blessed." I reply angry now as I peel the potatoes. "It's the least we can do for Luke, for that child, is promise that should anything happen to Luke we'll be there for his child because I'm not being funny, he wants to come back to work for us Christian, in a few months, he misses us, he misses his job, he wants to come back and we both know his life is at risk working protecting me so let's be honest here and say it's the fucking least we can do. It's an honour to be trusted like this, to be asked to do this."

"I'll think about it." He says quietly.

"I don't know what the fuck there is to think about." I snap throwing the peeler into the sink before picking up the knife to cut, I'm angry now and it's very obvious in how I cut the potatoes.

"There's a lot to think about Ana, this would be committing to take someone else's child on." He replies and I close my eyes for a moment, this is getting fucking old already, I don't understand what his problem is, it's not like it's a stranger's child, its Luke and Hannah!

I continue to cut the potatoes saying nothing to my husband, I'm pissed now. I know he's still behind me and I wish he wasn't but I feel him watching me and my anger is almost growing.

"Ouch." I groan as blood spurts from my finger, I don't mean dribble either I mean spurts. I turn to the sink and shove my finger under the facet as Christian hurries over.

"That looks deep." He says taking my hand from under the tap to examine my injury which is still bleeding at a quite steady pace.

He grabs a dishtowel and wraps it tight around my finger, squeezing tight while I try not to think about the pain, damn I didn't think accidentally cutting my finger would hurt this much.

"I'm going to have to remember not to let you cut potatoes angry." He says showing no sign if he's serious or not.

"If you had your way Christian you wouldn't let me near a knife." I reply bitterly, I'm still angry with him.

"I don't think you need stiches." He says examining my finger which is still bleeding just slower this time. "Maybe some gauze and tape and later some butterfly stiches. Keep pressure on it while I get the first aid kit."

I do as he says knowing it will be bad for me if I fight him. I don't want to argue about this any further but I know that he's not giving in yet, I just don't understand what he needs to think about, how could he even possibly think of saying no? Luke has watched my back, he's my security if someone was to shoot at me then it's his job to stop that bullet from hitting me, protecting me. How much of a problem is it for us to say we'd protect his daughter if something was to happen to him? Pay him back for all he's done for us?

Christian comes back and wraps gauze around my finger before he tapes it up and plants a gentle kiss on it.

"All better."

"Thank you." I reply politely but he sighs, I know he knows that I'm mad at him. "I'm going to finish dinner." I add turning away from him.

I don't know if I have a right to be mad about this but I am. I mean is it hard for him to see my point. I do understand his but I don't see it as an issue. What are the chances we'll end up taking care of Kate and Elliot's child, Zachary and Luke's daughter. It's ridiculous. It's just giving Luke peace of mind that if anything happens to him we'll take care of his daughter, it's not like he's asking us to foster her and all that!

Christian watches me for a minute as I wipe the blood off the cutting board before finishing cutting the potatoes up and then he wanders off quietly leaving me to finish dinner in quiet.

I use the new intercom system to call Christian for dinner and he brings India down with him, I guess he was with her while I was being in a crappy mood. I serve up the food and feed India while she plays with the food, it's what she's into at the moment and it annoys the hell out of Christian but the experts say that it's important to let her feel the texture of the food in her hands otherwise there's a chance she won't eat it.

Once the awkward and silent dinner is done with I clean away India's dinner and give her a sliced banana to eat while I clean up the dishes, the only things that get mucky with India and a sliced banana is her and the table so it gives me some peace to do the dishes and clean up without being disturbed, she also is usually kept occupied long enough for me to get it all done.

"How long are you going to give me the silent treatment for."

"I'm not giving you the silent treatment, we have nothing to talk about other than Luke and Hannah and their daughter, I'm not going to argue with you any further about it, I'm going to let you think and make a decision for yourself."

"Ana we have plenty of things we could be talking about other than Luke and his daughter."

"I don't want to talk about anything else right now Christian." I reply dryly as I load up the dishwasher. He eventually gets the message and stalks off leaving me to sigh in frustration.

After cleaning up the kitchen and getting India I take her up for a bath. As I play with her and wash her my head is firmly with Luke and Hannah and their baby girl. Hannah's never going to know what it's like to bathe her daughter, wash her, put her to bed. Her daughter isn't going to really ever know a mother's love. How cruel is that? How fair? What's Hannah or that poor innocent child ever done to deserve this? It's a cruel world.

By the time I'm done bathing my baby girl I walk her to her nursery in the nude, loving how she giggles and shivers at the same time, it's just cute, her little baby fat jiggling with every step.

Once in the nursery I dress her and then I sit her on my lap in the rocking chair where she drinks from her bottle all cuddled up to my bump, her head on my shoulder. I run my fingers through her curls and just watch her, she's so beautiful, my precious princess. God it would kill me if anything happened to her ever. I can't imagine what Luke is going through, having to face bringing his daughter into the world without his wife, his lover. I couldn't have done this without Christian. The thought of something having happened to him when I was pregnant with India brings tears to my eyes.

India's big blue eyes look at me and I smile sadly at her, I hope she never knows pain, or hurt, or loss though I know I'm asking way too much. Her hand leaves her bottle which is trapped between her teeth and comes up to my cheek and brushes my ears away, she's telling me not to cry in her own way. I sniff and smile at my girl, so wise yet so innocent. How lucky was I to give birth to this amazing human being?

"I'm sorry princess." I sigh before kissing her on the forehead as she goes back to drinking her bottle. "You know, you're always going to know my love. You'll always have it, you'll always feel it. Some little girls aren't as lucky as you out there. There's a little baby in her Mommy's tummy now who will never know her Mommy's love like you do and it hurts Mommy's heart so much." She looks at me as if she's listening, taking it all in though I know she doesn't understand a word I'm saying.

A shadow moving in front of me has my breath hitching; it was a shadow moving away. Christian. He heard me. Fuck him, I'm not in the mood for another argument.

India finishes her milk and I get her into her crib and tuck her in before turning on her star bedside night light and her light up mobile that also sings to her. She knows it's bed time and closes her eyes as soon as the pacifier is planted between her lips.

"Good night my precious princess." I whisper before kissing my fingers and pressing them to her head, I am simply too big now to lean over the crib and kiss her head.

Once I've closed the bedroom door I allow my tears to fall and make my way to my study. I can't stop thinking of Hannah and Luke and their daughter tonight, more than I have actually since this happened and I know what I have to do.

I find my iPad and shoot off one simple text.

_I need you. _

Then it's sit back and wait. I grab myself a can of soda from the mini fridge here in my study and pop it open just as the Skype ringtone beings to play. Propping the iPad up on the stand I click the answer button and wipe my cheeks as Sandra's face comes onto the screen.

"Ana darling are you ok?"

"God Sandra I'm a mess." I chuckle through my falling tears.

"Tell me what happened." She says already picking up a pen, that's my shrink!

"I went shopping with Luke, Hannah's husband today for things for the baby. He told me Hannah wanted to ask Christian and me to be their daughter's God-Parents, he said he still wanted that so I asked Christian and he's… he's reluctant. He says that we have our own children to think about and we're God parents technically to Zachary and his brother is about to have his first child and we had a huge fight… then I was bathing India and I realised… Hannah's never going to have that Sandra, and that baby… she's never going to know a Mother's love… she's never going to know what it's like to be bathed and put to bed by her Mom… oh God Sandra it's killing me." I manage to tell her it all before I sob and I know she just waits for me to try and calm down enough for her to talk to me.

"Tell me why you want to accept Luke's offer to be his child's God-Parent." She says once I've wiped my tears and boogers away.

"He protects me every day, his job is to make sure no harm comes to me. How little is it to ask for us to do the same for his daughter should anything happen to him? I love Hannah and Luke both so much, I am honoured that they wanted Christian and I. It's not like we couldn't do it. The chances of us having to is slim but if anything was to happen to Luke the chances are they'll happen working for us…"

"Do you think it would be you paying your debt to them?"

"Maybe." I reply with a shrug. "He's not asking much though is he?"

"Can you think of why Christian may be against the idea?"

"No his excuses are lame, we wouldn't neglect our children for Luke's, it isn't like we don't have the financial means to do it." I reply bitterly, I don't understand his reasoning.

"Ok, how about you saying that you feel indebted to take care of this child if something were to happen to Luke. Can you imagine what it would be like to take care of that child if Luke did pass protecting you?"

I sit back in my chair and think. Luke passing… I don't even want to think about that but I do, Sandra obviously has a reason to ask me to.

"I think… the child would resent us possibly."

"Yes that's possible but look at it from your point of view and Christian's." She says and I sigh and close my eyes to think.

"Maybe… we would feel guilty… looking at her… we'd always feel guilty."

"Exactly, maybe that's something Christian's feeling. You really need to discuss it with him, there are many reasons he might not be comfortable talking to you about but he needs to."

"Ok." I nod and give a thin lipped smile just as my study door opens and I see Christian. "Thank you Sandra."

"Ok, are you alright for now?"

"Yes. Thanks again. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Any time Ana. Goodnight."

"Night." I reply just as she hangs up. Christian kind of looks like a lost puppy walking gingerly towards my desk.

"I'm sorry." He says and I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

"Me too."

"Why are you apologising?" He frowns walking more confidently towards me.

"Because I was wrong to argue with you. I should have known there may have been more you weren't telling me. I should have discussed it with you properly, maybe when we were both sitting down and more relaxed. The list goes on." I say shrugging my hand through the air as he comes to lean against my desk just to the side of me.

"I heard you talking with India." He says, I'm surprised he admits it. "I never thought of it your way, about that baby never knowing about a Mother's love. I mean, even I know that through Grace's love and kindness but … this child… she won't ever know a mother's love."

I can see this thought really sadness Christian and I move my chair so I can wrap my arms around his waist, he holds the back of my head to his stomach.

"But we can be there for her, we can have a relationship with her and should worse come to worse and anything happen to Luke, we can take care of her and give her love… right?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you." I say looking up at him and he smiles and chuckles.

"You were right, I should have listened. So tell Luke we'd both be very honoured to be the God-Parents to his daughter and if he needs anything… anything… then we'll be able to help. Every child should be loved, should know love, even if it isn't from his or her parents…" I stand and hold my husband tight as he fights off his tears. I guess I didn't think he'd take it this way but I see how much it's affected him and all I can do is hold him tight, let him know I love him and all his fifty shades.


	47. Chapter 47

**Sunday 6th October 2013**

Today we're having a special dinner to commemorate Zachary's first day home. I can't believe it's been a whole year. This is the date that Gail and Taylor agreed to celebrate Zachary's Gotcha day though technically it isn't the day he was adopted, it was his first day home and he hasn't left since!

Gail and I spend the afternoon in the kitchen preparing everything while Christian and Taylor have taken Zachary and India to the zoo, Zachary's favourite place in the world.

When they arrive back we give him his gifts, he loves opening them up and thanks everyone profusely, even for eight years old I believe he truly knows and understands how lucky he is to have been adopted by such wonderful people as the Taylors.

**Monday 7th October 2013**

It's Kate's baby shower! Which is being held at our home… I think there are more people here than ever today as we get Kate ready for motherhood. It's so nice to sit with so many women and talk about being a Mom and truly understand everything, though I'm a little sad as I remember I had been planning Hannah's baby shower before the accident happened.

Kate is visibly uncomfortable throughout the day and she tells me it's back pain and Braxton hicks, I'm convinced that she's actually in slow labour but she brushes me off, Grace says the same but she promises she isn't, she had a sweep this morning and she's not even dilated yet.

We play loads of games, some even India can get involved with. She loves touching my belly and Kate's belly and she knows there's a baby in both of us but it's going to be hard to explain when the babies come that there is no baby in there anymore, it might be easier by the time my baby comes because we'll have already gone through it with Kate for her, but who really knows how much babies can grasp in understanding.

When it's all over Kate is happy but tired and I really think she had a baby shower to remember and she promises to get me back in a couple of months with mine, which she's been organising with Mia

**Wednesday 9th October 2013**

I wake to Christian's phone ringing and groan as I see it's just gone midnight, why the hell is someone calling at this time of the night? It took me long enough to get to sleep as it is, I've reached the stage of my pregnancy where I have to use the pillow and I'm uncomfortable all the time at night.

"Hello?" Christian's sleepy voice answers. "What?" The urgency in his voice has me bolting upright, something's happened. "Ok, ok we're on our way. See you soon."

"What is it?" I ask squinting as I turn the lamp on.

"Kate's in labour and she's asking for you." Christians says already half way out of bed.

"Ok, it's show time. I'll call up to Carrie." I say going over to the intercom system, I already see this system as such a plus for us.

"Carrie?"

"Hello?" She sounds so sleepy.

"Hey Kate's gone into labour so we're heading out."

"Ok I'll switch the monitor on in here."

"Thanks Carrie, we'll see you some time tomorrow." I say before heading into my closet to change.

It's twenty minutes from the phone call before Christian and I get into the car and head for Elliot and Kate's place which is less than five minutes from ours especially with the clear roads.

Elliot is waiting in the door when we arrive and he looks so panicked.

"Christian you calm Elliot down." I say as we get out the car.

"Sure."

"Where is she?" I ask stepping inside barely looking at Elliot.

"In the living room."

I head through the huge foyer and into the ultra-modern living room that is all glass and white walls, this house is very clinical and uninviting in my opinion but suits Kate and Elliot so much.

"Oh thank God you're here." Kate says turning around to face me.

"Hey your waters broken yet?"

"Nope." She says popping the p and pursing her lips as a contraction comes.

"Breathe through it." I tell her walking over to her, we must look like quite the pair right now, two heavily pregnant women.

"I can't it fucking hurts." She spits making me giggle.

"How far apart are they?"

"That was… Twenty two minutes after the last one."

"Oh this going to be fun you've got a while to go yet." I tease earning a slap across the shoulder. "Not nice Kavanagh."

"Don't fucking tease then." She pouts.

We finally leave their home when the contractions are ten minutes apart and head to Swedish, I go with Kate while Elliot signs her in and once she's changed into her nightgown and Elliot has returned it's time for me to go and join Christian who has been joined by the rest of our family. Mia seems happy that she stayed after the baby shower now.

"You look exhausted." Christian says as I fall into the seat beside him.

"It's five thirty in the morning and your child is pushing up against my ribs and dancing on my bladder." I tell him making him chuckle. "It's not funny, if we decide to do that again then you're fucking doing the pregnancy."

"Oh tired Ana is a cranky Ana." Carrick teases and I glare at him, warning him without a single word not to mess with a tired and hungry pregnant lady.

"Come on baby lay your head on my lap we'll be sitting here for a while yet."

Turned out a while was an hour. Once Kate's water's broke her labour was as fast as lightening, I hope mine turns out like that with this child. I'm actually jealous of her right now, how quick her labour with the baby was.

Clayton Scott Grey was born at six thirty five am on the ninth of October. Sadly we won't get to see him until tomorrow as Mom and baby are resting but we get to hug and congratulate Elliot who is a teary mess.


	48. Chapter 48

**Friday 18th October 2013**

It feels like the saddest day of my life. Today Hannah's daughter will come into this world and today, they'll turn off the life support machine.

I don't know how they're going to do it exactly all I know is that Luke has asked me to be in there with them when the baby is born, as his support and for Hannah, apparently she'd want me there. I don't know if that's true, I actually suspect she'd want Lois there but Lois has said that she doesn't want to be in the room when her granddaughter is born.

Christian and I drive to the hospital at midday, Hannah's booked for surgery at one pm where baby girl Sawyer will be born via c-section.

"Are you going to be ok?" Christian asks as we walk together towards Hannah's room.

"I'll be fine. Just remember that they plan to christen the baby soon after so don't go far." I reply, I just have to keep my head screwed on and my mind on the tasks, otherwise I'm going to become a ball of crumbling mess.

I enter Hannah's room and meet with Lois and Luke who are sat either side of Hannah's bed holding one of her hands in their own. I have to swallow the lump in my throat and blink back my tears. I stand beside Luke with a supportive hand on his shoulder just as the doctor enters the room with a solemn look on his face.

"We're ready to transport Hannah now." He says and Luke nods uncomfortably, his eyes not even moving from his wife. "If the two who are going to be in the surgery want to come with the bed we'll get you scrubbed up while Hannah is prepared and the team get ready for the delivery."

"I'll go to the waiting room." Lois says before she kisses Hannah on the cheek and leaves. I give Luke's shoulder a squeeze just as the porters come in.

Luke and I assemble either side of Hannah and I take the hand that Lois held earlier. This is horrible, so horrible, the mixed emotions is indescribable. This should be such a happy occasion, baby girl Sawyer is about to make her big entrance into the world but then there's the fact that in a few hours Hannah will legally be pronounced dead so the happiness of the birth is clouded and greyed by the death of said baby's mother.

They take Hannah into the surgery room and Luke and I get scrubbed up, he doesn't meet my eyes at all though I will him too, I just don't know what to say to him. Once they say they're ready for us Luke's hand slips into mine and I give him a tight squeeze which he returns.

The room we enter is scary looking. Hannah's lying on the table surrounded by machines, there's a cover up separating her lower half of her from the top half.

"If you would both like to stand behind the small screen at the top half of the body." The scrubbed up doctor says. I see Luke tense when they call Hannah "the body" but he says nothing just walks around to her head and doesn't let go of my hand.

Once we're up by Hannah's head we hold her arms as the Doctors begin communicating with each other. There's a team here just for the baby, they're stood back with a clear bassinette and a lot of tiny equipment, I don't know if they're expecting any problems with the birth, Hannah is thirty eight weeks pregnant now and so they've left the baby in there for as long as they can giving her time to grow and get stronger but with Hannah being brain dead I don't know if that would cause any problems.

It feels like hours have passed when finally a loud wail reaches our ears. The team of doctors on standby come forward as the blood covered baby is shown above the separation screen. There she is, baby girl Sawyer is finally in the world.

Luke instantly begins sobbing as a nurse takes him around the screen so that he can cut the cord. I lean down and kiss Hannah's cheek softly.

"You did good, she's beautiful Hannah and I promise she's going to have a good life. You made a beautiful baby." I tell her quietly as I blink back my tears, the mixed emotions make it hard to have any sort of control.

"Ana come and meet her." Luke says sounding excited. I give Hannah's arm a squeeze and walk around the screen, avoiding looking at where they're now stitching Hannah up.

Luke is stood holding a quickly wrapped baby in blood soaked white thin blankets. She's so beautiful and she seems content in Luke's arms.

"Hello baby girl." I say stroking her cheek not caring about the blood. "You're very beautiful just like your Mommy."

Luke gives me a saddened smile, I know he spotted how much she looks like Hannah too, it might be just what we want to see but like with India looking like me from the second she was born the same has happened with this baby, she's Hannah all over.

"Ok we'll need to weigh her and take her measurements now." One woman says coming over. Luke kisses the top of his daughter's head before handing her over and then he wraps me up in a tight hug and cries. I just cry along with him as they take the baby out of the room.

The christening service will take place in Hannah's hospital room before the machines are turned off. It's what Luke wanted and that's what he's going to get. It will only be Luke, me, Christian and Lois in attendance as after the baby's christening, Hannah will be put to rest completely.

We are taken out of the OR and we remove our scrubs before taking a hold of each other's hands. The silent walk to Christian and Lois is deafening. I can't imagine what Luke is going through right now, I can see his mind working a mile a minute every time I look at him and it breaks my heart.

We enter the waiting room and the two people who have been waiting for us stand up to greet us.

"She's perfect." Luke says breaking out in a wide smile. "She looks just like Hannah." He adds looking at Lois who rushes to him and hugs him leaving me free to hug my husband.

"She's so beautiful." I tell him and he smiles down at me. "She's bigger than what India was." I add and he looks amused. "We don't know the weight but I could tell as soon as I saw her that she was bigger."

It's a tense thirty minute wait before we're collected to go through to Hannah's room where she lies with her baby in a crib at the bottom of the bed fast asleep. The minister greets us all as soon as we enter and shakes each of our hands before the nurse directs Luke to pick up the baby, she promises to fill him in on all the details of her weight and length and so on after the service which he thanks her for.

"Has this beautiful child a name?" The minister asks looking at Luke who's eyes are fixed firmly on his daughter.

"Hannah Anastasia Sawyer."

My head snaps from the baby so to Luke who's eyes meet mine.

"Hannah wanted to name her after you, she was going to call her Anna as a middle name but I can't call her Hannah Anna now can I?" He says making me laugh through the tears that spill down my cheeks.

"I'm honoured." I tell him and he smiles before looking down at his daughter while Christian wraps an arm around my shoulder in a squeeze.

We are all in tears through the entire service but both Christian and I get a turn holding baby Hannah and I see Christian wiping away a stray tear and I know he doesn't regret agreeing to being the child's God Parent. After the beautiful service comes the hard part and we all leave the room so Hannah can be tidied up.

It's an agonising ten minute or so wait before we're shown back into Hannah's room and we get to say our goodbyes. Lois goes first and she apologises to her daughter for wanting to pull the plug sooner and that she's so proud and that she loves her granddaughter so much. Then Luke places baby Hannah down on her Mother's chest and takes Hannah's hand to the baby's head while he holds their daughter with one hand and strokes his wife's hair with the other. I am holding tight to Christian as I watch the beautiful scene before me, I just wish Hannah was here to enjoy her daughter like she should be. After whispered declarations of love it's my turn and Luke just takes a small step back holding baby Hannah to Hannah's chest still I lean down best I can and look at the innocent baby then at my best friend.

"Thank you for being the best friend that you were, I hate that the memories we made were the last. I'm going to miss you so much but I've promised before and I'll promise again, I'll be there for them both, they'll always be reminded how much you love them and I'll talk about you as much as I can. I love you, thank you for being my friend." I whisper, I know everyone can hear but I don't care as I kiss her cheek.

Luke, Lois and I all hold onto a part of Hannah and the baby, while Christian holds onto me. The minister does the last rites before Luke gives the nod to the Doctor to switch off the machines. It doesn't take long for her to slip away, and we stay by her side until her last breath.

As soon as Hannah's chest stops moving Baby Hannah let's out an ear splitting scream. We all know that she's gone from this, baby Hannah gave us the sign. I turn to Christian and cry as Luke lifts baby Hannah into his arms and cries and Lois drapes herself over her daughter's body and sobs. I can't believe this is over now.


	49. Chapter 49

**Tuesday 22nd October 2013**

"Hey." Christian says as he comes into my study with a cup of tea. I give him a weak grief filled smile, it's all I can really manage.

I thought when I was told Hannah was brain dead and wasn't coming back that I began to grieve, which I did, but now she's really gone, now there's no body to visit in the hospital who is still breathing… it's really hit me.

Today is Hannah's funeral. I am beyond hurt, and distressed. I can't believe it, I don't want to face it, I just can't.

I rub my bump with one hand and take my tea in my second hand. Christian kisses the top of my head softly, and I lean into him, needing his comfort.

"We'll need to leave soon." He says and I nod, God I really don't want to face this. The funeral has been planned for a good few weeks, since we were given the date of the baby's birth we knew the date Hannah would die.

"I don't want to do this Christian."

"You don't have to but I think… baby I think you'll regret it forever if you don't." He says running his fingers through my hair. I lean in to his touch, he's right of course.

Everyone in our house is coming today, and Christian's family. Hannah has been with me for over two years, she's been to events and work stuff with me.

We all are dressed in black and purple like Luke asked, not all black, she would have hated that. I'm actually wearing a purple scarf and belt as well as purple suede heels, Christian is wearing a purple tie and pocket hanky and India is in a purple dress. It doesn't look like we're attending the funeral as we climb into the car with Ryan driving. He'll be attending the funeral too, as Luke's friend but he is driving us too.

At the cathedral where Luke and Hannah married, we all gather together on the steps. The press are out in storm, Hannah's case went international, people sent letters to all of us hating that we were keeping Hannah alive for the sake of the baby.

Luke arrives in the black family car with Lois and baby Hannah. I step out of our group and meet him in a hug as the hearse pulls up with a purple coffin and hundreds of flowers, she would have loved them.

Gently Luke passes me baby Hannah before he kisses her head. I take her in my arms as a stray tear falls down my cheek. I look at my own baby girl and give her a weak smile, even she looks sad, I know she's feeling it, she knows we're all sad.

Christian, Taylor, Luke, Ryan, Oreon and Gary all step up to the coffin. I feel an arm around me and I look at my brother in law sadly. It's so horrible to watch this, it breaks my heart into a million pieces, seeing the mourners gathered on the steps all to say goodbye to Hannah. Lois follows the coffin up first and I follow behind with Grace holding India and me holding baby Hannah. She gurgles contently, I know she doesn't have any idea what is going on today and it really breaks my heart to look into her innocent face and know that someday she's going to be told of this day.

We enter the church to the beautiful guitar playing from the song Radio's in heaven by the Plain White T's. I listen to the lyrics as we walk, my tears coming down uncontrollably.

_Your time has already come_

_And I don't know why_

_The last thing that I heard_

_You were doing just fine_

I look at the tiny baby in my arms, the eight pound three ounces baby who has no idea that her whole world changed before she even came into the world, that her Mom was dead even before she was born. I'm so glad someday I'll be able to tell her how much she was wanted and loved. That's important to me, I promised Hannah I would.

_It seems like just yesterday_

_I was laughing with you_

_Playing games at grandma's house_

_Well you taught me well didn't you?_

_I hope I'm just like you_

The men set the coffin down in the middle of the huge and full Church. So many people here to celebrate Hannah's life, people from all aspects of her life, from our life together too, I know all of the AG businesses are closed today because they're all here for Hannah, they all came across her in some way or another.

_And do they have radios in heaven_

_I hope they do_

_Cause they're playing my song on the radio_

_And I'm singing it to you, I'm singing it to you_

These lines hit me hard as we walk towards our reserved seats, it's hard because yesterday the song I wrote for Hannah was officially released.

Lois sits at the end and Luke sits beside her. I hand him baby Hannah gently and I kiss his cheek in support before taking my place beside him before Christian sits beside me. We were Hannah's family, not by blood maybe, but Hannah spent more time with me these past couple of years than anyone, possibly even Christian, especially when I was on tour. We were best friends, sisters, co-workers. I hate that she's gone and never coming back. I hate it.

_You left before I had a chance to say goodbye_

_But that's the way life usually is it just passes you by_

_But you can't hold on to regrets and you can't look back_

_So I'll just be thankful for the times that I had with you_

_I hope I'm just like you_

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look back to see India standing on Grace's lap, Grace with a tight grip around her waist I kiss my daughter's hand and offer her to come to me but she doesn't attempt to let me take her so I kiss her cheek before turning back, allowing her to play with my loose hair, comforting me and her I suppose. I look at baby Hannah and see her asleep. Poor little angel, seeing her so innocent like this brings more tears to my eyes and they're big tears that I can't stop. Christian wraps an arm around me and I drop my head onto his shoulder and cry hard, letting it all out, I don't care who sees.

_Well do they have radios in heaven?_

_I hope they do_

_Cause they're playing my song on the radio_

_And I'm singing it to you, I'm singing it to you_

_If they don't have radios in heaven_

_Here is what I'll do_

_I'll bring my guitar when my time is up_

_And I'll play it for you_

_I'll play it for you_

Someone in the congregation begins to clap along to the music and I lift my head in surprise and glance at Christian who shrugs. More clapping begins and I see people beginning to stand up. It's a shock and I chance a glance at Luke and Lois who are both smiling weakly. I get it. It's a round of applause and a standing ovation for Hannah. I look at Christian before I stand up too and clap my own hands, quickly followed by Luke, Lois and Christian, she deserves this.

_Tell me can you hear me now?_

_If not then I can try to sing real loud_

_What's it like up on the other side of the clouds?_

_I hope I'm just like you_

_I hope I turn out to be as good as you_

Everyone continues to clap, and the few people who know the song sing along too. Hannah would have loved it, she was a huge Plain White T's fan, I remember her asking me if I could get them involved in the charity event because she would just "die if I ever got to meet them" I chuckle at the memory and Luke gives me a warm smile as he jiggles baby Hannah lightly in his arm. This isn't a mourning of a death, this is a celebration of a life, a beautiful life full of joy, happiness, friendship, love, Hannah was amazing and my tears of sadness flow freely, because they're mixed with tears of love, friendship and joy.

_Well do they have radios in heaven?_

_I hope they do_

_Cause they're playing my song on the radio_

_And I'm singing it to you, I'm singing it to you_

_If they don't have radios in heaven_

_Here is what I'll do_

_I'll bring my guitar when my time is up_

_And I'll play it for you_

_I'll play it for you_

When the song ends we settle down and listen to the minister, the same that married Hannah and Luke, Christened baby Hannah and read the last rites. It's quite touching in a way to have the same man involved in them all.

The service is very religious, my guess is it was to appease Lois that Luke did it but Hannah was Catholic and though she wasn't practising she still had faith, she told me that herself.

After a while it's time for us all to sing somewhere over the rainbow. The melody before the song begins is enough to set me off, I think the long droning of the vicar had me thinking of happier times and that now the song has brought me back to the real state of my life with my friend, the fact it's over… it's horrible.

After the song it's my turn to speak, Luke asked me if I'd mind saying a few words, of course I don't mind. Lois isn't saying anything and Luke said he wasn't sure if he's be able to get through it and by the state of him right now I don't think he will but I wipe my tears kiss my husband, stroke Luke's hair and baby Hannah's cheeks before walking to where I stood before, the same spot I stood to say goodbye to my mother.

"I've known Hannah for two years now. When she first came to work for me she was… a timid, quiet person, I guess working for someone you're more withdrawn from them. But for us that soon changed. When I had my first publishing house Hannah was my saviour, she made it possible for me to get any work done." I smile at the people around me, they need to see Hannah the way I saw her. "She was with me when I bought my salons, she … she made me believe that I could do it, she ran around with me getting everything done. She was truly amazing and I know for a fact I would not have been able to do it without her. Our relationship was one of trust, it was built on trust, she was my employee but quickly became my friend and confidant. I remember finding out she liked my security guard, I was more than willing to give them my blessing to date but if I knew Hannah she would have done it anyway." I chuckle softly and look at my hands, no notes, I didn't need any, just speak from the heart.

"To some two years is insignificant but so much happened in two years. She married my bodyguard, I was her maid of honour. I was delighted when she asked me, I was more than willing. I was so happy for the two of them. I don't want to mention too much of the rough times but whenever something bad happened, Hannah was there for me and vice versa. She was always so much more than my PA, she was like a sister, best friend, sometimes she was even like a mother to me, she had that about her, a motherly instinct and sometimes it got on my nerves and I bloody well told her that and it always made her joke and do it more." I laugh along with the congregation, those laughing knew Hannah well, well enough to understand the person I'm talking about.

"I will never forget Greece, it was the best time ever. Where we got to spend a whole week just begin friends, forgetting about work. It was amazing. I'd hoped to do it again someday but…" I brush away the tears and try to smile. "We had such an amazing time, since the accident I've looked back on those pictures over and over again, we were so happy, the whole six of us who went, it was amazing and I think that was when I really got to know the free spirit that Hannah was, the real friend because before we always had that line that couldn't be crossed, the barrier of employee and employer… that bar though after Greece, was never restored."

There's a murmur of agreement from those who really knew mine and Hannah's relationship, those who saw it develop and grow.

"Of course, when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter Hannah was amazing, she would make sure I was stress free and really took care of me, she was wonderful and I couldn't have asked anyone for better. She did things she didn't need to or have to, I didn't ask her for it but out of the kindness of her heart she'd do it. She was like that, kind-hearted. She would have given you the shirt off her back to help you." There's more murmurs of agreement from the crowd and I smile weakly.

"I think the evidence of our friendship, our bond, was most on view when we toured the USA. We were training for the marathon together and we'd stay up late and talk and bitch… I'm sorry… moan about it in the morning." I manage to actually blush at my slip up but it earned a small laugh from the congregation which makes me smile. "We had so much fun in those three months, we were like college kids and it was amazing, when we weren't working we were enjoying ourselves, three months living with someone on the road like that, you can't deny how much you know about them by the end, she knew everything there is to know about me and undoubtedly I know everything there was to know about her."

"When my career changed completely Hannah was there with me every step of the way, her work changed, sometimes there was so much work but she never complained, I don't think I ever met anyone who enjoyed being called on to do sometimes menial tasks like Hannah. She was amazing, I know I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for her. Today we celebrate her life, and a beautiful life that was if not undoubtedly too short. I am going to miss you Hannah, I am going to miss you so much, I'm not the only one who is going to have a void in my life forever, a void that only you filled. Though we're all grieving now, I'll always be able to smile at my memories of you, such as crossing the finish line at the end of the London Marathon with your hand in mine and introducing you to Princess Beatrice who you had to tell me who she was. Little things like that… it's all we have now, I feel blessed and honoured to have had you in my life for the past two years and I know looking at our friends and family today that I'm clearly not the only one. I love you Hannah, rest in paradise my friend because you deserve it. I'll miss you so much…" I'm struggling to hold it together now but I'm determined to get through this… so determined. "we all will, every day."

I make my way down the steps and meet Luke and Lois, they thank me for a beautiful speech before I finally sit down and wrap myself up around my husband and sob. Oh hell, this is horrible, I mentioned a void in my speech, it's not a void, it's a gaping black hole in my heart and it hurts, so much, it hurts.

Luke doesn't get up and after some readings from Hannah's friends and co-workers the service is closed up and the beautiful melody of_ I miss my friend _begins to play while everyone stands.

_I miss the look of surrender in your eyes_

_The way your soft brown hair would fall_

_I miss the power of your kiss when we made love_

_But baby most of all I miss my friend_

After the first verse I watch as Luke hands baby Hannah over to Lois and I take India from Grace needing her comfort as my husband with his security goes to collect the purple casket. Lois stands right next to me as I balance India awkwardly on my pregnant waist.

_The one my heart and soul confided in_

_The one I felt the safest with_

_The one who knew just what to say _

_To make me laugh again_

_And let the light back in_

_I miss my friend_

Once the casket is firmly on the men's shoulders I see Luke close his eyes and try to feel Hannah through the thick wood. It breaks my heart and I close my own eyes to try and mask my pain. Once steady they begin the slow torturous walk from the centre of the vast church towards the exit. Lois and I walk slowly from our seats and slip behind followed by the rest of our family as the congregation stand to watch Hannah take her final journey.

I miss the colours that you bought into my life

Your golden smile, those blue-green eyes

I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now

Saying it'll be alright, I miss my friend

The walk is so slow, it feels like it drags on for eternity. I look at the coffin hating knowing that Hannah's body is in there, cold and lonely. It's just her body though, I need to remind myself of that, her soul is with God now, she had faith, even if she wasn't a strict Catholic she believed and right now… I have to believe.

_The one my heart and soul confided in_

_The one I felt the safest with_

_The one who knew just what to say _

_To make me laugh again_

_And let the light back in_

_I miss my friend_

We gather at the top of the steps, just outside the door. The music is still as clear as day in our ears as the men carefully take Hannah's coffin down the steps, we can only stand and watch, the wind whipping at our hair and stinging our wet, tear stained cheeks.

_I miss those times_

_I miss those nights_

_I even miss our silly fights_

_The making up_

_The morning talks_

_And those late afternoon walks_

_I miss my friends_

We don't move as the men place Hannah's coffin back into the hearse. The flowers are brought from the Church and are quietly placed inside the coffin for the last journey to the graveyard. Once they're in and the door is closed the men stand back and we all take a minute for reflection.

_The one my heart and soul confided in_

_The one I felt the safest with_

_The one who knew just what to say _

_To make me laugh again_

_And let the light back in_

_I miss my friend_

_I miss my friend_

As the song comes into the end in the Church behind us we make our way down to the men while the cars are brought around. It's close family and friends only at the grave side and those are Luke, baby Hannah, Lois, Myself, Gail, Jason and Christian and Ryan.

It's a ten minute silent ride for Christian, India and I from the Cathedral to the Cemetery. The only cars in front of us are the hearse and Luke, Lois and baby Hannah and I keep catching a glance of the purple of the coffin or the bright flowers through the windshield. The anger boils inside of me, I've been so busy dealing with this that I still don't actually know what happened to cause the accident that killed my best friend, I need to know though now isn't the time to ask, I will have to, the not knowing is going to drive me crazy eventually.

The cemetery itself is huge, it's also no secret that Brandon and Bruce Lee are buried in this cemetery somewhere. Not that I am one of those people who would go looking for their graves, cemeteries freak me out.

The hears eventually comes to a stop and I spot the area where Hannah will be buried, a big hole beside a huge pile of dirt. I get out of the car with India while Christian goes to help with the last few steps of Hannah's journey.

The minister steps out of one car and heads over quickly to the graveside while I take to stand with Lois and Gail to walk the final steps. The Minister works the music player up the way I guess he was shown and by the time Hannah's coffin is balanced on the men's shoulders the heart breaking words of Whitney Huston's I Will Always Love You begins to play.

_If I should stay_

_I would only be in your way_

_So I'll go but I'll know_

_I'll think of you every step of the way_

Again the walk is slow, even more so this time with only four men carrying the coffin instead of the six that were at the church.

_And I will always love you_

_Will always love you_

I weep quietly as I follow beside Lois and Gail. I never thought I would have to go through this, losing Mom was easier, I was slightly more prepared but for this, it was a shock, so unexpected. She was so young! Only twenty six and her life is over, just like that. Now I see a little more of Christian's fear, why he wants to protect me so much, to limit the chances of something like this happening.

_Bitter sweet memories_

_That is all I'm taking with me_

_So goodbye please don't cry_

_We both know, I'm not what you, you need_

_And I will always love you_

_Will always love you_

At the graveside the undertakers help with taking the coffin and placing it on the wooden panels above the hole while the song continues to play in the background.

_I hope life treats you kind_

_And I hope you have all you dreamed of_

_And I wish you joy And happiness_

_But above all this I wish you love_

The men leave and head over to the cars while we gather around the hole. I lean into Christian's side while he takes India onto his hip so I can just grip him tight. This is it, this really is the last goodbye, the final farewell.

_And I will always love you_

_I will always love you_

_I will always love you_

_I will always love you_

I listen to the amazing voice of Whitney Huston wrap around us, carried through the wind.

_I will always love you_

_I will always love you_

_You darling I love you_

_I will always, I will always_

_Love you_

As soon as the song has played out the Minister clears his throat and closes the service on a more personal level, commenting on the wedding to Luke, and even in passing India's Christening, though he wasn't the minister he was there and he witnessed a part of our friendship. It's an honour to be mentioned in this way.

The Minister concludes the service and the men come back from the car to help lower the coffin into the six foot hole, we all throw a purple rose on top and whisper our goodbyes to a friend, a sister, a wife, a daughter and a mother.


	50. Chapter 50

**Sunday 3rd November 2013**

I make jump out of the car with a smile on my face. I can't wait to see Luke today, he's been keeping his distance and brushing me off on the phone but I'm surprising him with a visit today because I miss my friend and guard.

Christian agreed with me that it was a good time to visit him. We all really want to know how he is and where he is mentally and Taylor and Luke have never been the kind of friends who talk about feelings, so it's been left to me to find out how he is.

I manage to get into the apartment block behind another tenant and I take the elevator up to Luke and Hannah's floor. I've only been here a couple of times with Hannah so it's really wired coming her knowing she's not behind the front door.

As soon as the elevator door opens I can hear baby Hannah's screams, unless there's another baby on the same floor. I walk over to the door and knock, there's no answer but now I know for certain that it's Hannah Anastasia screaming loudly. I try the door and thankfully it's unlocked.

"Luke?!" I call as soon as I walk in, I feel so intrusive but Hannah wouldn't be screaming without a reason right?

Of course, there's no reply to my shout so I head in the direction of the cries. The apartment is just how I remember it. A huge wedding picture of Hannah and Luke hang above the oriental electric fire, plush grey couches in a V shape to each other with a TV to the corner.

"Luke?" I try again as I arrive at the door to the bedroom where Hannah's cries are coming from. I peer my head around the door and see Hannah lying in her crib, wailing loudly.

"Oh there there my darling." I say reaching in to pick her up, Damn she smells, definitely needing a new diaper. "Where's your daddy huh?" I ask as I try to soothe her, I need to find Luke, he would never abandon Hannah would he?

I hear the shower running from the en suite as Hannah begins to calm and I tentatively knock on the door, it opens on its own and I take my free hand to my eyes.

"Luke?" I say loudly, I don't want to see him in all his glory thank you very much but I need to let him know I'm here and I'll sort Hannah, I would hate for him to walk out of the bathroom and panic because Hannah is no longer in her basket. "Luke?" I say sort of peeking through my fingers.

Oh. My. God.

"Luke!" I rush over to him best I can considering I'm seven months pregnant and carrying a newborn. I fall to my knees, smashing them on the cold tile as I look at my best friend's body.

"Oh god please be alive." I murmur as I shove my fingers into the crook of his neck in hunt of a pulse. It takes a minute, but then I find it. Thank fuck for that.

My eyes fall to the two brown bottles on the floor and my heart thumps louder in my chest, I'm panicking, I can't panic.

"Ok baby girl, I'm going to put you in your crib and I'm going to try and help your Daddy ok? Then I'll change your diaper and get you fed."

Talking to Hannah as I leave the bathroom calms me just a little, enough for me to think a little more rationally. I place her gently in the crib, she instantly starts wailing but I have to help Luke. I dig my phone from my purse and walk back into the bathroom while dialling nine one one.

"Nine one one what's your emergency?" A voice asks as I fall back to my knees.

"My name is Ana Grey, my best friend has taken an overdose, he's unconscious. I don't know how long he's been out…" I'm teary, I hope this woman understands what I'm saying.

"Do you know what he's taken Ana?" The woman asks.

I grab the pill bottles and turn them in my hands till I get a name.

"Valium and Sonata." I say reading the two bottles.

"Do you have any idea how many he would have taken?" The woman asks.

"No is there an ambulance on the way!?" I scream, I'm panicking again, Hannah is screaming in the bedroom.

"The ambulance has been dispatched Ana, just keep talking to me till they get there."

"I need to make him sick." I say dropping the phone on the floor and turning Luke towards me. I open his mouth roughly and shove my fingers down his throat, tickling them. I don't know why I think I need to do this, I don't know where the idea has come from but I just know I have to.

As I hold his head towards me on the side and tickle his throat he finally heaves and then vomits. All over me. I don't care, he's going to live God Damn It.

"That's it Luke, Again." I say tickling the back of his throat and pulling him roughly towards me as he throws up so he doesn't choke.

"Hello?!" Finally someone is at the door.

"Through here!" I yell as I make him sick once more, third time lucky right?

"Hello, ok what's the situation?" The friendly looking male paramedic asks as he comes in.

"He's taken these, I've made him sick, I don't know why I just thought it would help."

"You might have saved his life." The paramedic says as he hands the brown bottles to his female partner. "Ok what's his name, how old is he?"

"Luke Sawyer, he's… I think he's thirty six but don't quote me on that. He just lost his wife a few weeks ago…" I say choking up as the woman leaves to go to Hannah.

"Is the baby ok?" He calls and the woman comes back with Hannah in her arms.

"Just hungry and dirty." She replies as I get to my feet, I don't care about the vomit that I'm covered in. I take Hannah from the medic and hold her tight as I fight off tears, now is not the time to break down.

I watch the two medics work and grab my phone from the floor as they load him up onto the board they bought in with them. I leave the bathroom first and spot the stretcher and I'm thankful that they can get him to hospital quickly.

"Are you ok Miss?" The female paramedic asks as I walk with them to the door.

"I don't know what to do…" I say my tears filling my eyes.

"Is there anyone you can call to be with you? You could meet us at the hospital?"

"My husband…" I say thinking Christian will be with me in seconds.

"Ok, call your husband, we're taking him to Seattle Grace ok?"

"Ok. Thank you." I say.

"Are you ok to take care of the child?"

"I'm her God Mother." I reply looking at Hannah who is still squealing in my arms.

"Ok, you can meet him at the hospital." She says before hurrying off, leaving me all alone in Luke's apartment with baby Hannah.

I'm so lost and confused but a high pitched scream from Hannah is enough to spur me into action. I take her through to the bedroom and find the changing table located against the wall. I change her diaper and make sure to put plenty of cream on her bottom, I have no idea how long she's been sitting in that dirty diaper.

As I prepare her bottle I lay her in the moses basket and call my husband.

"Grey."

"Christian…" I'm near sobbing now, just hearing my baby's voice makes me feel like it's ok to cry.

"Ana what is it? Where are you?"

"I'm at Luke's… he… he…oh God I need you." I whisper through my tears.

"I'll be there soon baby, just wait there for me."

"Hurry." I reply before hanging up.

I get the bottle made and sit on the couch to feed Hannah. She sucks greedily and I smile, she's so beautiful, her Mom's doppelganger.

I'm just winding Hannah when Christian and Taylor both burst through the door looking more worried than I thought they would be. They hurry over to me, Christian collapsing to his knees in front of me, Taylor standing back but looking apprehensive.

"Where's Luke? Baby what's wrong?" He swipes my tears with his thumbs as I settle baby Hannah back in the crook of my arm.

"He's gone to the hospital… he was on the bathroom floor… an overdose…" It's all I can say. Both Christian and Taylor share a look, they're horrified, I knew they would be.

"He's alive?" Taylor asks.

"Just." I reply looking at my knees and thighs which are still covered in his vomit. "I made him sick… that was ok right?" I look at Taylor.

"You probably saved his life." Taylor replies the same as the medic, I just nod and sigh.

"I didn't know how bad he was." I say looking into Christian's eyes.

"None of us did baby."

"If Hannah hadn't been screaming I'd have thought he wasn't in." I say my tears building again. "I heard the shower and told him I was there when I spotted him on the floor, he was only wearing his boxers and he looked dead… I thought he was dead… he tried to kill himself."

"Do you know what he took?" Taylor asks.

"Valium and sonata or something…"

"Which hospital?" He continues.

"Seattle Grace… I told the paramedics we'd follow behind." I say looking at my husband.

"Let's get a bag together for him and for Hannah and then we'll go." He says, always with his head screwed on is my husband!

Once we have two bags made we head to the hospital. The entire time I am looking at Hannah wishing she could give me the answers to the questions I have, such as, how long has Luke been suicidal? Why didn't he talk to me or someone else? He wallowed in his depression and it got so bad he tried to end his life… what about Hannah? She's already going to grow up without a Mom he'd let her grow up without a Dad to?


	51. Chapter 51

**Monday 4th November 2013**

I wake to the sound of my husband's voice talking in a hushed whisper. I smile at his words and I know who he's talking to without having to look, the little lodger who is staying in our room in India's old Moses Basket.

"We'll help get your Daddy better but until then you're going to stay with your Uncle Christian and Aunt Ana and we'll make sure you're ok. I promise little one."

Luke is officially on a seventy two hour psych hold at Seattle Grace. It was heart breaking seeing him yesterday. He refused to look at any of us and it broke my heart but I hope in the next seventy two hours he gets the help he needs, we took Hannah in to see him but he wouldn't hold at her, in all honesty he barely glanced at her. I can't imagine what's going through his mind right now. He didn't say he had a problem with Hannah coming to stay with us so that was something.

A big part of me wanted to yell at him. What the hell was he thinking? Or was he just not? I know he's in agony over loosing Hannah, I would be too if something happened to Christian but things are different now, I have India to live for and she would be my reason to go on and James too of course, as soon as he makes his appearance in the world.

After breakfast, Christian goes off to work and Carrie takes India and baby Hannah while I get ready for Sandra to arrive, I need her badly today. I feel so lost and alone sometimes, I feel like I can't really talk to Christian, I'm scared he won't like what I have to say but I fear the depression coming back. I mean, I feel like I've lost my two best friends between Luke and Hannah. I can handle one, just about but two? It doesn't matter if Luke isn't dead, he tried to kill himself and he won't talk to me. It's like a knife in the heart.

"Sandra Lee here for you Mrs Grey." Gail's voice carries through the intercom system by the door.

I push myself out of my desk chair, I'm getting so big moving around is starting to become uncomfortable, but I love it, I have enjoyed this pregnancy a little more than I did with India, there's a lot less fear about everything with it being a second child.

"Show her to my study Gail, please." I reply before making my way to the couch.

It's two minutes and my backside barely touching the cushion before Gail shows Sandra Lee into my study. She gives me a smile and I manage a thin lipped one back as Gail leaves us alone.

"How are you doing Ana?" She asks as soon as she's sat down, slowly getting her notebook and pen out.

"I feel like I've lost my two best friends." I reply bitterly while holding my bump, a source of comfort for me.

"Well that's understandable with what you told me yesterday. Is there any more news on Luke?"

Sandra doesn't really know Luke on a personal level but with the amount of times I've spoken of him and everyone else in my "family" she probably feels like she knows them all as well as I do, maybe even better with how she can shrink people without talking directly to them.

"No, I'm going to go and see him after lunch." I reply and she nods as she looks at me thoughtfully, I feel like I'm being scrutinised under her gaze.

"So how are you feeling Ana?" She asks after a long and pregnant pause.

How does she expect me to sum up my feelings right now? I don't think I've even wrapped my head around it in all honesty.

"I'm so lost, confused, nothing seems to make sense right now. I'm still grieving over Hannah and I've started grieving for Luke. He's never going to be the same man that I love as a brother is he?" I reply bitterly, I have the right to be bitter right now.

"So you realise that you're basically grieving for something you've lost?" Sandra looks surprised, going back a few months ago I probably wouldn't but after so many deaths now I do, I know the feelings that come with the grief and even though I know Luke is still alive and well, logically he's dead, the man I knew as Luke Sawyer has gone and he's been replaced with a shell of a man.

"Yes. I'm so tired, mentally, physically… I just want to curl up in bed with the duvet over my head but I know I can't do that, I can't let the depression and the grief push me to where I was. I won't go there again because Sandra… in all honesty… I don't think I'd survive that darkness again." I have tears in my eyes and Sandra gives me a thin lipped sad smile.

"It's good that you're pushing yourself to get out of bed and do something with your day, there's nothing better for you right now than getting up, even if it's just to sit around the house though I'll be honest that I recommend plenty of fresh air and sunlight." I manage a small chuckle in reply. "You should try going out, even if it's to visit your Mom or Hannah's graves. Take a walk, sit and talk to them if you want, it's better than being locked up in this very pink room!"

"I know, it's just sometimes I don't have the energy to even do more than sit in here pondering."

"And that's when you should really push yourself to leave the house and do something." Sandra says and I nod in agreement, I know she's right and I need to really listen to her if I'm going to avoid that really dark place.

"I feel like I failed Luke." I admit, I hadn't planned on telling her this but as always when it comes to it I can't hide it from Sandra.

"You feel guilty?" She asks looking surprised.

"I shouldn't have let him push me away like he did. I should have done something. I know better than anyone how easy it is to shut yourself off and how dark everything can become but I let Luke do that, to push us away."

"Me telling you it isn't your fault isn't going to help you Ana but I'm going to say it anyway, it's not your fault, you lost Hannah too, you're grieving too."

"I tried to see him." I say quietly. "But I didn't try hard enough."

"Ana doesn't matter how much you'd tried if he didn't want to see you then he would have done everything in his power to stop you from seeing him." I nod slowly, I know this but I still have this guilt inside that I can't push away.

"Sometimes, or lately I should say… I've thought about never meeting Christian, I've wondered if his love is worth all this pain." I say quietly, my tears falling slowly and freely down my cheeks. Sandra looks completely gob-smacked which is not the reaction I was expecting, I thought me thinking that would be normal.

"And is Christian's love worth the pain?" She asks quietly, her eyes studying me and my reaction, I can't look at her anymore.

"I'm too selfish to find that out." I say quietly. "I can't live without him, I can't fathom leaving him… it would be the end of me Sandra, but if I could turn back the clock, knowing what the future held, I would have done everything in my power to stop me and Christian from developing the way it did, I would hold him at arm's length, maybe even avoid meeting him all together."

"Ana." Sandra says quietly, it's the type of voice that brings my eyes back to her with slight feat of what she's about to ask. "I have to know… how dark have your thoughts been?"

That's shrink talk for "have you been thinking about death or suicide? Self harm? It's quiet funny that she won't ask me directly, some shrinks would but not Sandra. The question she asks gives me freedom to interpret it in any way, give her an indirect answer that she can summarise herself. It will be easier for her to get a read on my dark thoughts.

"I have India now." I tell her quietly. "The pain, the darkness… it's all worth it to see a smile from my baby girl every day, she reminds me I have a reason to go on, a reason to live."

"But that doesn't stop you from sometimes wondering what if?" Sandra phrases it as a question but it's not really a question, she knows me, and she knows depression, she's a damn expert in clinical depression. I just give a small nod in confirmation and she scribbles in her notebook. "Have you wondered or thought about how you'd do it?"

I wasn't expecting that. My eyes snap up from the floor and meet her piercing gaze, she's expecting an answer, an honest one.

"I have a hundred different ways." I say before allowing my eyes to close in shame. "I often think, 'which way would be quicker?' 'which way would be least painful?' 'which way would be most successful?' but I think I'm missing one important factor of someone who plans to carry out a suicide."

"And what's that?"

"Courage." I swallow hard and open my eyes again. "I'm a coward Sandra, I'm scared of death, I'm scared of whatever happens next if anything… I'm a coward and that's why I haven't done it yet, it's why I didn't try it when my Mom died and it's why I'm sitting in front of you now having never attempted to take my own life. It's all because I'm a coward who's afraid of death."

Sandra is staring at me, her face completely blank. I know she's processing what I've just told her. I'll admit I'm scared. Scared that my honesty will make her want me admitted back into Fairfax, the one thing I fear over everything right now. I was there pregnant with India, my pregnancy with India is tarred with ugly memories of my severe depression, my stay at Fairfax, the death of my Mother. This pregnancy is tarnished with Hannah's death, losing Luke to grief, and yeah I'll admit it, a depression caused by my grief but it doesn't have the stain of Fairfax and I'd like to keep it that way.

"Ana?" Sandra says and as I look at her I can see she's trying to figure out what to say to me, what to ask me or how to phrase what she wants me to answer. I nod softly, encouraging her to go on, this woman has seen my darkest secrets, I've opened up every healed wound, there's nothing I could tell her that would forever change her opinion of me, I have such trust and faith in her it should be wrong but it isn't. "Have you been hearing things or seeing things that aren't there? Even shadows when it's not possible for there to be a shadow? Or a voice when you're clearly alone?"

"I see Hannah." I tell her. "In ever crowd, she's there, I see her eyes in strangers, I hear her laugh… even when I'm on my own. But I thought that would be normal, I spent nearly every day with Hannah for the past two years, I'm used to her being there… right?" I'm scared now, have I just put the nail in my own coffin?

"It could be… it also could be that you're… hallucinating."

"Hallucinating?" I test the word out on my tongue.

"It can come with grief and depression, it's normal for someone in your situation but it's something we have to deal with Ana. I need you to agree to let me help you."

"I'm not going back to Fairfax." I tell her firmly, the only way they'll get me back in there is to commit me against my will.

"I'm not thinking of putting you there, unless you ask for it or it's a necessity for your safety I think we can avoid it." She says and I know I visibly relax in front of her.

"So what then?" I ask after a pregnant pause that seemed to go on for far too long for my liking.

"I want you to see a friend of mine, she's a grief therapist, I'm taking a stab here and saying you're in a stage of complicated grief though I think it's too short a time period to actually put that down as a clinical diagnosis."

"Complicated grief?"

"Yes, it's long term grief, feeling like you're unable to move on, seeing your loved one's face too often, avoiding things that remind you of your loved one, feeling like life is meaningless or empty without the person you lost." I look at her and I know she can see my agreement, she's summed up some of my feelings so easily.

"So what would seeing a grief therapist do exactly?" I ask wringing my hands nervously into my lap, I don't know if I'm comfortable bringing someone else into my life right now. I just want to enjoy the people who are already there, the people I love dearly.

"Well each therapist works differently, but they would arm you with the skills that you need to deal with the grief, to be able to move on and you know Ana that doesn't mean forgetting about your loved one or the empty spot in your life that losing Hannah has done, it's just to help you be able to get your life back on track, it might be good to get started soon so you can deal with as much as possible before the baby makes an appearance."

I nod softly at the end, I should do whatever I can to recover and get better before Jamesmakes his appearance into the world I just don't know if that's possible anymore. I want James' birth to be a very joyous occasion, I don't want it to be overshadowed by the sense of loss that accompanied India's birth, not having Mom there was horrible but I have Grace, she was there for India and I know she'll be there for this baby if I want her to be. I probably will, Christian is a hopeless man when it comes to childbirth and he struggles to control himself seeing me in any pain, though he did do so well when I had India, I think Grace helped him relax some too.

"Ok." I nod. "I'll see a grief therapist."


	52. Chapter 52

**Wednesday 6th November 2013**

"Hi Hannah." I whisper quietly, I feel silly talking to a grave but I need my best friend right now. "How's heaven?" I laugh at my own lame attempt at a joke trying to keep back the stinging of my tears. "I just hope being here and talking to you will give me some clarity. I want to help Luke, but he won't let me and I don't know how to get him to let me. He's bad Han', he can't handle losing you but baby Hannah needs her Daddy, Christian and I adore her but she's a fussy baby, it's like she knows something, she's unsettled and in a strange environment. We're doing our best though, she's loved I promise. Luke's fragile… he has refused to go to Fairfax but that may not be a bad thing right? Apparently he's doing good, he's coming out of hospital today but I don't think he's ready to go home, I want him close, I want him to come stay with Christian and I… do you think he would? We could help him with Hannah, get him back on his feet and when he's ready he's free to go home. I just need him to be safe…, I feel like I lost both of you the night you died, he's not my best friend anymore… he's a shell of who he was when you were alive… I miss you."

I wipe away my tears as I walk away, afraid if I stand any longer my legs will buckle and I have baby Hannah in my arms who needs me standing and stable. My next stop is the hospital to collect Luke, I'm hoping he'll take me and Christian up on our offer of coming to stay with us… we just want to take care of him and help him but I'm worried he won't see it that way.

I can't begin to fathom what he's going through, I keep closing my eyes and trying to put myself in his shoes but the thoughts of Christian dying… it's like someone puts a knife in my heart and twists, the pain is so indescribable…

As we get back to the car Christian takes Hannah from me and places her in the car seat while I climb into the passenger seat, we're using one of the SUV's because I can't get into the R8 anymore and the Yaris has gone for good… I miss that car…

"Ok?" Christian asks as he climbs into the driver's seat beside me. I nod weakly and wipe the solitary tear that I let slip from my eye.

"He has to let us help him." I tell my husband, desperate for him to understand what I'm feeling.

"I know, we'll do what we can baby but there's only so much that we can do." Christian says as he rubs my shoulder, he doesn't understand my pain, he tries too, I don't think he tried this hard when my Mom died… I guess he had some feelings of friendship for Hannah by the time she died, I know he shed some tears but he says it was for my pain, he was hurting seeing me hurting but I'm not so sure, I think he misses her just as much as I do.

"Let's go." I say buckling up and adjusting the belt over my bump earning a swift kick from James Theo, he hates the pressure from the seat belt but Christian would have heart failure if I dared not wear it.

We drive in silence to the hospital, Hannah falling asleep, lulled there by the car's engine. She's really not sleeping enough and Christian and I are taking it in turns with Carrie to be up with her, especially Christian, he wants me getting plenty of rest because of James Theo so I understand why he's doing it but I also think he's trying to really be there for the innocent child that did nothing to deserve this horrible beginning to her life… and if anyone knows a horrible beginning to life it's Christian.

When we arrive at the ward where Luke has been held for the past three days we can hear him way before we see him. He's furious about something and Christian hands me the baby and steps in front of me in a form of protection.

"Luke man what's going on?" He asks as he steps into Luke's private room leaving me in the doorway.

"I signed the fucking papers over an hour ago and these fuckers won't let me go."

"They won't discharge you and let you leave alone, we told them we'd pick you up but we got caught in traffic." Christian says nodding his head towards me and giving me a signal to enter.

"Hi Luke." I say giving him a shy smile, I don't know what type of reception I'm going to get off him, his silence the last time I saw him near killed me.

"Hi Ana." He smiles wider as he looks at the baby in my arms. "Can I?" He asks pushing himself to standing.

"Of course, she's your daughter and I think she's missed you." I smile already passing the bundle over.

He relaxes in front of me, Hannah stirs and wakes and when her eyes fall on Luke, I would almost swear she smiled.

"Hi baby girl Daddy missed you." He says and I look at Christian, my eyes telling him that the man here in front of us is more my best friend than the man who was bought in here three days ago.

"Luke, we were thinking maybe you could come stay with us for a bit, till you're settled and back on your feet."

"I don't need a baby sitter." Luke growls towards my husband.

"We know that Luke." I say rolling my eyes, I need him to see that's not why we're offering. "Just maybe you would like a few days or a week or so with us where Carrie can help you with Hannah and you can get into a routine before going home. We have really struggled with Hannah, she's a bit fussy but we think that's because she missed you. We just want to help, be there if you want us."

"Not make sure I'm no longer suicidal?" Luke almost sounds childlike as he asks, his dark eyes are intense as they hook on mine. I hope my look back gives him everything he needs, no, I don't think he's going to attempt suicide again because if he did, I think next time he'd be successful… he's just use his gun… "Sure, maybe just a few days. I appreciate that."

Thank fuck for that, at least we're getting somewhere.

"Then let's go." Christian says grabbing the bag from the bed, you're all signed out and I'll have Gail make sure there's a decent meal and a coffee for you by the time we get home, hospital food even in a private ward is inedible."

Christian's joke actually makes Luke laugh and it's almost everything I need to believe that my best friend will be ok eventually. I look up to the ceiling as the men walk from the room, and I send a silent prayer of thanks to Hannah, for being by my side while I did this and for being by Luke's to help him agree to it. Even from beyond the grave she's with us.


	53. Chapter 53

**Monday 11th November 2013**

I walk into the restaurant with feelings of nervousness, I'm only meeting my Mother in law for lunch, taking time from the office to entertain her, simply because she wouldn't take no for an answer. But that's Grace. I'm beginning to learn when she really wants something done she will get it done and that is true for just having lunch with one of her daughter's in law.

I spot her sitting in the furthest booth, her hair pinned back showing off her elegant neck and smooth face. She's so beautiful and she doesn't look even half her age. As her eyes find me, she smiles sincerely and I feel a little more confident in walking to her as she stands to greet me in a hug and kiss.

"Oh Ana, where have you been hiding?" She scolds as I sink into the booth, Grace has moved the table more in her direction, it's obvious, because no way would my bump fit otherwise.

"Sorry Grace, it's been hectic at the office." I shrug, it's true. I couldn't lie to Grace if I tried.

"Hmm." Grace says passing me a menu, something tells me she has some opinions on that but isn't planning on sharing yet.

I order a simple potato and leek soup to start while Grace opts for the shrimp cocktail and while we wait she examines my face and what she can see from my body.

"Even pregnant you manage to lose weight." She says, I frown, how's that even possible and how the hell could she tell. "Your face, it's gaunt, your eyes are withdrawn. You've lost weight in your face." I roll my eyes.

"I feel like a puffer fish."

"Well you don't look like one. What has your midwife said about this?"

"She's monitoring it." I reply, I saw Sally yesterday and she lectured me continuously about how I've lost weight, not too much really but enough that it could affect the baby. Thankfully Christian had important stuff at the office and I persuaded him he didn't need to be at the appointment, he would have gone thermonuclear if he'd heard everything Sally had to say.

"Good, I'm glad someone is, that son of mine obviously is too busy to notice that his wife's getting pale and looking sick."

"Oh he's noticed." I say sarcastically and she frowns in my direction. "He just doesn't need to know the details Grace, he worries too much as it is and I worry he won't have any damn hair left of he continues to run his fingers through it."

"Would you love him any less if he was bald?" She teases and winks just as our starters arrive.

"Of course not." I chuckle before digging in.

As we eat we talk about the most mundane things, Mia's life in LA and the little Bistro she went and blew some money on, money we both know Christian gave her but we won't say out loud. I love that he has given her the start-up fund for her career, it's not like we'll ever come across any monetary issues.

Once our starters and order our main meals I can see Grace's demeanour change before my eyes, something is obviously bothering her and there's something she wants to say but she isn't sure how to get it out.

"You shouldn't be working." She eventually says as I sip at my juice, I almost choke but manage not to perform a spit take.

"I'm sorry, right now it's necessary."

"No it isn't, not if you hired another PA. You should be resting, getting the AMA's out of the way and enjoying what's left of your pregnancy." Grace isn't saying this softly, it's almost unlike the woman I have gotten to know and love.

"I can't right now Grace, I still walk into AG expecting Hannah to rush over to me with everything I need for the day. I can't comprehend hiring someone else."

"She'd want you to."

"I know that." I scowl, I do, Hannah wouldn't want me to be in the third trimester of my pregnancy, rushing around doing the most menial of tasks that normally she would complete on my behalf but for my own sanity right now I'm not thinking of hiring someone else.

"Then think about that Ana, Are you enjoying being pregnant and preparing for the baby to arrive?"

"We're ready. Christian is preparing to have the nursery done while we're on the babymoon and India's with you for the weekend, we have everything we need because of all the shopping I did with Luke in preparation for baby Hannah's arrival and I'm not doing this for the first time." It's so hard right now not to snap but I'm already being accused of pushing people away and Grace is one of those I don't want to push away.

"How's Luke settling in at your house?" Grace kindly asks, finally changing the subject as our main meals arrive, mine some boiled potatoes with chicken and her, a seafood pasta.

"He's ok, getting there. We help him with Hannah as much as he'll let us but he seems to be handling it all now, he's calmer and he seems happier."

"Are you sure it's not a front?"

"No." I smile, I know Luke, I know his happiness because I got to witness it first time. "There are times where you can see his sadness so clearly and my heart breaks for him Grace but we talked, he mentioned a few things he wanted to do over the next couple of years, things Hannah wanted to do. I told him maybe some of them we could do together because Hannah mentioned them to me. Silly things some of them like see the northern lights but I guess it's something we could do to remember her by."

"That would be nice."

"Yeah." I agree with a smile.

"Do you think he'll be staying with you long?"

"I don't know." I shrug, we haven't given Luke any hint that we want him out because he is welcome in our home as long as he wants to be, he's taking time off and I'm using Ryan and Oreon as my security. I do miss him though, as my best friend and security, but I understand he needs time. "He did mention something about going home in time for Christmas but we'll see."

"Well maybe he has a goal, I mean he's still working with a psychiatrist isn't he?"

"Yeah, he's getting there Grace, he will be ok."

"You wouldn't let him be anything else." She smiles holding my hand over the table, she's right there. I wouldn't.


	54. Chapter 54

**To hear me singing Hannah's song, youtube dot com slash watch?v=xy5a2T8QQZs&feature= **

**Sunday 17th November 2013**

"Ana!" Mia yells coming into mine and Christian's hotel room, dressed to impressed and ready to go.

"Hey Mia." I smile hugging her as tight as I can over my bump.

"Oh you're looking amazing and there's my little niece or nephew!" She grins rubbing my belly making me laugh.

"And what about your brother?" Christian asks leaning on the door frame all dressed in his tux, oh he looks good enough to eat… not that I haven't been ravished by him multiple times over the morning.

"Oh Christian hello." Mia smiles running over to hug him.

"You look good, I think LA suits you." Christian says which makes me smile, he does worry about Mia being out here but we can both see she's doing well for herself as Mrs Ryan Seacrest.

"Oh I love it Christian though I do miss you guys, Thanksgiving will be amazing, Mom told me we're doing it at your house this year?"

"Bigger family we need a bigger place and our dining room is big enough to hold a banquet." Christian chuckles as Mia badgers him, this year thanksgiving will be all of us at our house and it has been a hell of a time organising everything because we've had to get a dining table made for us because we don't want to be sitting in lines, Christian wanted us all in a circle and it was near impossible to get a table big enough with nice chairs and stuff so we've had basically a round table made big enough to fit everyone who is coming which is the Greys' the Taylors', the Seacrests', the Kavanaghs' and Sawyers' that's a lot of people. We have even spent a fortune in getting caterers in even though I didn't want to, no one should work thanksgiving but thankfully we found a company that hired those American's who don't celebrate Thanksgiving for different religious reasons and others and so we will use them for the day.

"So where's that husband of yours?" Christian asks as he checks his bow tie in the mirror, damn I'm near drooling at the sight of him.

"On the red carpet ready to interview of course, this is huge Christian, it's the AMA's."

"Of course, I forgot your husband would be interviewing." I reply for Christian, I hadn't really but I'm saving him some little embarrassment.

"Well how do you think I got a ticket?" Mia laughs. "Seeing as someone didn't invite me." She gives me a pretend death stare and my hands go up.

"If I had a ticket to give you I would have Mia but there was only four and that was me, Christian, Tito and Lila. Sorry."

"I know it's fine. Now come on, we should get a move on."

"Mia Ana can't just leave, she has a certain time she's expected to arrive. You go on ahead and we'll see you there." Christian says knowing I still need to take deep calming breathes and relax and stuff before making my way out, I mean it's going to be a long and emotional day and he's not wrong about the estimated time of arrival we've been given by the event organisers.

"Fine, but don't forget to stop at Ryan so he can interview you, you're the one he's most excited to do."

"Fine." I promise as Christian shows her out.

I check myself out in the full length mirror and I smile. I may feel uncomfortable and swollen but there's been a good job done on my hair and make-up. I'm glowing and my hair is all up elegantly with earrings dangling from my ears to my shoulders. Then there's my dress, a full length bluebell coloured chiffon dress which just floats with some diamonds on the band just above my baby bump.

"Almost ready?" Christian asks coming into the room, I know it's almost time to go but I don't want to leave.

"Yeah, has my other outfit been taken down?" I ask and Christian nods. The AMA's are known for having the wackiest performances ever but the AMA's for me is going to be simple, nothing OTT just me and the music in a pair of jeans and a baby doll dress blouse singing a song for my best friend.

Our arrival on the red carpet is as wild as always, the press want photos but this time I'm really not in the mood. I hear someone shout that I'm allowed to be grumpy because I'm pregnant and it's enough to give them the smile shot that will be sold everywhere.

I do a few interviews but avoid many more but seeing Ryan I march towards him having promised Mia that I would let him do it.

"Ana so good to see you." Ryan greets me in a hug and an air kiss and shakes Christian's hand with a lot less tension surrounding us to the last time the three of us were on the red carpet. "Wow look at you Ana, you look amazing."

"Well thank you so much handsome." I tease making Christian and Ryan laugh.

"So come on sis, the world is dying to know when baby Grey is supposed to be making it's appearance into the world. I already know as your brother in law that the sex is a top secret but come on, we want to know the due date."

"This baby Grey is due on the sixth of January." I smile as Christian wraps an arm around me.

"Oh that's just wonderful, I can't wait to be an uncle again." He winks, yes he has officially become and Uncle to Caleb Scott and in turn India Annalise so yes, he will be the uncle of James Theo too. "So Ana, tonight you're up for New Artist of the year and after your wonderful win at the VMA's how do you think you'll fair tonight?"

"Just being here is amazing Ryan and a nomination is just wow, win or lose I still feel like a winner tonight."

"That's good to hear, Christian how proud are you of your wife?"

"So proud, always so proud." He smiles down at me and I grin, he can make me feel like everything is perfect no matter how bad things really are.

Once inside we're shown to our seat and it's not long before we have some drinks and are joined by Tito and Lila who I asked to join us rather than anyone else, I mean they're the one who made me into an artist, their amazing work did it.

I don't like being sat here like in a theatre though, it's strange. I mean to be sitting in a theatre for an awards show in LA, even though I've done it before, it just feels like a dream.

Lady Gaga kicks off the show with an amazing performance, damn I wish I had that woman's talent even if her costumes are a bit on the extreme side, tonight her voice is just amazing and she was most definitely singing live, she messed up once or twice but that didn't matter, her voice is just pure and spectacular and no one gave a damn about her making a small mistake or two.

Christian's hand is in mine and throughout the song he would glance in my direction, it was nice to share a smile with him in a darkened theatre and he every once or twice will reach over and put his free hand on my bump, I already know the cameras surrounding us has captured that more than once and most definitely the sneaky kiss I gave him which caused the fans in the place to cheer, whoops!

Of course, the opening explosion has set the barrier for tonight's performances and I'm not surprise that it was wacky and wild, over a hundred dancers holding pyro's!

As they announce the people performing I smile as my name is announced, it's so exciting and then of course Ryan Seacrest is announced as the presenter and I smile, I'm glad he got this gig, Mia did mention on the possibly wouldn't get it but he did and that is amazing for him.

He announces the first award, for favourite pop/rock male artist and as the winner is announced and the place goes wild I get a real feel for how tonight is going to play out. The energy is completely electric and it's just shocking and a great experience.

It's actually quite shocking how fast the show goes by, I enjoy watching these people win and see the amazing over the top performances. I know Tito has something up his sleeve for my performance but I told him I'm sitting on a stool and singing and that's it, so whatever he has planned will not involve me actually doing anything.

"Baby they need me in the back." Christian whispers in my ear as Carly Rose Sonenclair performs on stage.

"Why?" I frown, I know it's not long till the award is up.

"I don't know, I won't be long baby." He kisses my head and jumps out of his seat and Tito takes it while someone else takes his seat so that no seat is left empty.

I watch the rest of Pink perform and then they announce they will be giving the award for New Artist of the Year.

"To present the award for New Artist of the Year introducing Mia Seacrest and Christian Grey, brother and Sister married to showbiz."

I am in complete shock as Christian and Mia walk out arm in arm all smiling, I can't believe they hid this for me! It's shocking!

"Christian and I are proud to be here tonight presenting the award to the New Artist of the Year."

"Yeah it's just coincidence that we drew this award to present and my wife and Mia's sister-in-law is in the category but baby win or lose I'm proud of you." He looks right at me even in the darkness I know he sees me and I smile.

"The nominees are…"

"Ana, Carly Rose, Joseph Tate and Loosing Stars"

"And the winner is…"

Mia opens the cell phone where the name of the winner will be and I find my breath holding, the smiles spread on both Mia and Christian's faces before they turn the phone around.

"Ana!"

I look up as tears instantly spring to my eyes, I don't want to cry, no one has cried yet tonight. Tito helps me to my feet and gives me a hug and I hug Lila quickly before making my way to the stage, luckily I had an aisle seat because there is no way I could struggle through an aisle with my bump.

I walk to the stage and greet Christian in a kiss before hugging Mia and accepting the pyramid glass trophy and take to the mic.

"Wow." I say. "Sorry, hormones!" I near sing as I wipe my tears. "To win New Artist of the Year voted by the fans I can only say thank you so much to everyone who voted. To have the award presented to me by two of the important people in my life has just made it even more special. I need to thank everyone at Grey Records, Lila, Tito you guys are amazing, everyone in my ever growing family, thank you for your love and support but with happiness comes tragedy and Hannah this is for you my friend, thank you so much everyone." Christian steps forward to lead me off the stage and I breathe easier able to let the tears out, not ones of sadness or sorrow but happiness. I'm so thankful that I got through the speech!

I get to change now and hang out backstage till my performance and Mia and Christian stay with me as long as they can before they're asked to go back to their seats so they won't miss my performance.

I am lead to a side stage, the main stage has been split into three with millions of screens so basically as soon as the next award winner is off the stage the screen lifts and I'm ready to perform. I take my seat and make my ear piece comfortable, I'm not even really sitting on the stool, just leaning on it so that I appear to be sitting, my bump won't allow me to sit and sing.

The music begins and the crowd goes wild as the screen lifts.

"What wouldn't I give to see your eyes, turn to look at me and look right through my disguise…" I lose myself to the song, completely forgetting where I am and who is here. This song is for Hannah, this will be the last time I sing it in public because my heart can't take the ache singing it causes.

I feel things going on around me but I don't notice any of it, focusing on the song, the memories of my friend and PA. I miss her so much and singing this song has me choked up but somehow I know it's not coming out in my voice, I feel the pitch perfect in my chest, coming out of my mouth.

I finish the song and bow my head, the place is going wild and I just exhale and hold my bump hoping the screen will come down but it doesn't. I turn expecting someone to say something or do something but no one does, the cheers continue and I stand and look out to the crowd and I smile, they're cheering not for me, but for the stranger in the song.

I take a small bow of thanks before finally the screen comes down and block out the cheers and applause leaving me with a second to take a breath and send my love to Hannah before talking the solitary walk off.

Christian meets me when I get back to my seat and he kisses me softly before I settle my head on his shoulder to watch the rest of the ceremony. When it's finally done, after an explosive performance from One Direction that had us all on our feet dancing, I'm ready for bed but we have an after party to go to.

We take a limo from the Nokia Centre to Ryan and Mia's LA Mansion and we have a drink and some food while mingling. The house is stunning, I can already see how Mia has put in some of herself because some of the décor is not what Ryan would go for.

"Ana!" Mia shouts and Christian and I head over to where she and Ryan are standing. "You were amazing, everyone was crying when you sang that song, it was so beautiful!" She gushed hugging me tight.

"Aww thanks." Is all I can manage because I don't really want to talk about it.

"Ana you had a one minute standing ovation, that hasn't happened at the AMA's in a long time, congratulations." Ryan smiles, it seems that maybe my performance is more important for my win.

"Ana you look tired." Mia says quietly and I give her a tired smile.

"Exhausted." I manage.

"Go, you've been and shown your faces, you get to bed and get some sleep."

"Are you sure?" I ask my sister-in-law, I know she and Ryan have been working hard on this after-party and I hate to ditch.

"I'm sure. Christian take your wife back to the hotel and I'll see you both at thanksgiving."

After a quick goodbye I get to go with Christian to bed to celebrate my win in our own way.

**If you haven't yet, please check out my new Fifty Shades Fan Fic SINS – it's not for everyone – you were warned!**


	55. Chapter 55

**Thursday 21st November 2013**

"Ana we've got a problem." Christian says entering the now empty dining room, everything has been cleared out to make way for the new dining table that supposed to arrive at some time today and I've been polishing the floor because I'm bored.

"What do you mean problem?" I ask as Christian grabs me from behind and kisses my neck, sending shooting spasms straight to my groin.

"The dining table isn't going to fit in here."

"What?" I spin round to face him, we've paid thousands to get a custom made table to seat everyone comfortably for this damn day and it won't fit?

"Don't worry, I've already been on the phone rather than have our thanksgiving in here we're getting a marquee out back, it will fit, I've got heaters coming and decorations and it's going to be perfect baby, we're going to have our banquet with our big family but not in here."

"Ok, you've sorted everything?"

"Down to the luxury potties."

"We could do without those."

"Baby you can't go an hour without needing the bathroom we'll be eating and drinking, you need the potties if no one else does, no need for you to trek to the house every five minutes."

Oh there's my thoughtful fifty, thinking of absolutely everything.

"You look so sexy in rubber gloves." He chuckles making me laugh, he thinks I'd look sexy if I didn't shower for a month or comb my hair.

"Yeah right." I roll my eyes.

"Oh Ana you did not just roll your eyes at me?" He asks and I grimace.

"Maybe." I squeak.

"Oh you know what that means…" He's already playing with the edge of my maternity jeans.

"Not here!"

"Of course, Taylor and Gail are at a school thing with Zach and Carrie and Oreon have taken India to swimming lessons so it's just you and me here baby. We have the house all to ourselves and we've never had sex in here. I could polish the floor with your behind." He winks as I giggle. "Even if not, I'm going to spank you while you stand naked up against the wall."

I bow my head submissively while I smile, I guess we're playing right here and right now.

"Strip." Christian says walking away and I see him through the corner of my eye close and lock the door while I remove the baby doll top, maternity bra and my jeans, Christian's eyes widen when he sees I've been going panty-less.

"I do approve." Every word drops with seduction as I smile cheekily.

"They're an obstacle stopping me from going for a pee." I shrug and he laughs.

"Well baby I don't mind at all!"

"Good!" I chuckle and he pokes his tongue out at me.

"Now pick a wall and stand facing it, hands flat against it by your head." He says and like that he's the Dom and I'm the sub once more.

I stand against the wall and put my hands where Christian ordered me too, my fingers spread. I get no warning, his hand rains down on my skin and my reaction is for my behind to thrust back stopping me from hitting my belly on the wall.

Christian smooth's his hand over the place where he hit, soothing out the sting making me moan in relief. He pulls back and lays another on the opposite side, the pain is worse, I think that's because I push back to meet the hit instinctively now.

"Oh Ana." He moans. "My Ana." It causes me to shiver and my juices run freely down my thighs. His hands caress my breasts, tease my nipples before he pulls away ready to give me more.

A total of twenty blows later and Christian's fingers glides through my folds making my back arch just a tiny bit, my bump not allowing for much with James Theo lying in an awkward position.

"Don't move." Christian whispers in my ear as he steps away from me. I'm panting, wanting, desperate for his touch and he leaves me hanging. I don't dare move to see where he's gone, I know he's in the room for two reasons, one being I haven't heard the door unlock or open and two I can feel him close.

I hear him removing his clothes, I hear the fabric falling and hitting the floor and then I feel his hands on my wrists.

"Face me baby." He whispers. I turn and he kisses me hard, his mouth locking on mine, his tongue exploring me like uncharted territory.

He breaks the kiss leaving us both panting.

"You're going to have to be on top." I just nod, that's obvious now, my belly is just too big for me to do anything else really.

Christian and I sink to the floor and he lays down I go to straddle him but he stops me making me frown.

"Face away from me and grab my ankles." He says and I grin and straddle him backwards.

I sink my sodden core down onto his erect shaft and he groans unashamedly. I lean forward and grip his ankles and find it hits me in that sweet spot, the angle making it different.

"Oh I love having your pink behind on show like this." He says as I begin to bounce up and down, massaging my throbbing walls with his shaft, putting an end to the torment that started as soon as he threatened a spanking and continued since.

He spanks me again making me groan as I continue my relentless bouncing on him, he squeezes and massages my sore behind in a way that has me stopping every few bounces to rub back and forth, enjoying the work of his hands.

"Oh God…" I groan as I feel my orgasm building, I bounce harder if that's even possible!

"Come for me Ana." Christian spits through gritted teeth and as I clamp down on him I feel him spurting his hot seed off inside of me. I call his name out deliciously as I come, loving every second of him still pushing his hips up to work me through my orgasm.

I just about manage to remove myself from him and lay down beside him, a sweating hot mess.

"Ok?" Christian asks smoothing a piece of hair from my face, I smile and nod, I feel perfect. "That was amazing, having your pink ass in front of me at that angle… God Ana." He groans making me giggle which in turn, makes him smile.

"Ana? Christian?!"

"Shit." Christian groans rolling over and getting to his feet, hurrying over to his pile of clothes.

"What is it?" I ask rubbing my tired eyes, I could have fallen asleep right there in his arms if someone hadn't shouted us.

"It's Elliot, he's come to help bring all the original furniture back in here, he didn't say he'd be this soon."

"Hello?" That's Kate and as she tried the looked door I giggle giving away that I'm in here. "Ana? You ok?"

"Yeah just give me a minute!" I shout grabbing my own clothes and pulling them on, Christian helping me close the clasps of my bra.

Once decent I open the door faced with Elliot, Kate and a car seat containing my nephew.

"The dining room floor?" Elliot says, feigning disgust.

"Convinience." Christian shrugs. "Come on let's get this done."

"Ok." Elliot and Christian hurry off and Kate and I both giggle.

"So can I see Caleb?" I ask and she smiles and turns the seat around. "Oh hello beauty!" I say in a high pitched voice, he looks so happy to see me which makes me smile. "Oh Kate he's getting so big." I say as I signal the kitchen to her and she nods and laughs.

"Too big too quick, God I'm surprised my nipples are still actually attached to my body." She groans setting the car seat on the breakfast bar while I knock the kettle on.

Kate decided to breast feed Caleb and she loves it, I have decided even though I'm not on medication, out of convenience I won't be breastfeeding James Theo either, it would be so much hassle to wean him from it when I had to go on tour or do something and it's just easier for me and Christian, we're both in agreement so it's all ok.

"So how's motherhood treating you?" I ask making both Kate and I a coffee, I don't have that much caffeine in a day but coffee has been a genuine craving so I can't help it!

"It's tiring! But he's perfect Ana, oh I love him so much." She says talking animatedly toward Caleb.

"He's beautiful, looks like Elliot." I smirk handing her drink over.

"He has my eyes."

"Uh-uh." I disagree, teasing her remembering how Christian looked for pieces of himself within India when she was first born just to realise she was my doppelganger.

Kate pouts and then smiles knowing I'm teasing. It's great to spend time to her but I do find now since being mothers all we talk about is being Mom's. It's rare we talk about anything else, and there's only so much vomit, poop and wind you can talk about!

Thankfully though it doesn't take Elliot and Christian too long to carry all the furniture back into the dining room and Kate and I get quite the show! It's nice to see the brother's sharing banter as they play "to me to you" through the kitchen and into the dining room.

"Don't break my wedding china!" I yell at Elliot as I see him with the box I spent a good hour packing because of the very expensive china commemorating mine and Christian's wedding.

After Kate and Elliot leave Christian and I cuddle up on the couch still alone in our home together which is so rare.

"I can't wait to meet this little man." Christian says running his hands over my bump where little James Theo is sleeping.

"Neither can I." I smile, I'm tired of being pregnant now. IUD is an absolute yes after this baby is born!

"Maybe when he's a couple of months old we can run away just the two of us for a week."

"Without the kids?" I ask and he nods excitedly.

"We can still see the world Ana, I want to show you the great wall of china, the leaning tower of Piza, show you the seven wonders of the world, the most romantic places, we'll tackle them one at a time."

"That would be amazing." I smile, I can't help but think of the things Luke wants to do to commemorate Hannah, do the things she wanted to do before she died that she never got the chance to do. "Tell me more." I tell him, I want to imagine being in all these places with Christian.

"Ok. I want to dive in Australia with you, the great barrier reef, make out with you in Egypt, take India and this little man to Lapland to visit Santa… oh we'll have to take them next year Ana, India will be old enough to understand and we can go again when James is older."

"I'd love that, we can make love by the fire while it snows outside and the kids are sleeping. Maybe even have Christmas in Lapland."

"And eat reindeer for Christmas dinner."

"Ewww!" I groan elbowing him making him laugh, I know they eat reindeer there but that's disgusting!

"We could see the northern lights from one of the glass igloos."

"Could we take Luke and the baby, I know Luke wants to commemorate Hannah by seeing the Northern Lights."

"Oh we could and Gail, Taylor and Zach, it would be maybe his last Christmas still believing in Santa!" Christian sounds like a child and it makes me smile so much and I cuddle him more.

"Then what?" I ask just liking lying here and listening to him.

"Maybe when you've got your fitness back we could go and hike?"

"Hike where?"

"I've always wanted to hike the inca trail in Peru."

"Sounds amazing." I say dreamily, oh my Christian!

"Maybe go back to England?"

"Oh yes please!" I say excitedly.

"Maybe we could do three weeks or so in the summer just travelling England, Scotland and Wales."

"That would just be perfect Christian." I tell him, I can't help but get excited now.

"Then take a journey on the longest train ride in the world."

"Where's that?"

"Connects Moscow, with Japan." He says sounding like a commercial making me laugh, oh I hope we can do all these things.

"I don't think there's enough days in the year."

"We don't have to do them all at once baby, maybe after a big deal for me in work or a new single or award for you we can treat ourselves with something."

"Oh that would be perfect, a reason to take a break." I say excitedly, it would be a good way for us to never forget each other or our family for work, never get over worked.

"And a little closer to home, drive route 66 in an old battered open top car." He chuckles and I grin, yeah that's not going to happen, it would have to be safety checked first! "Go to Rio to a carnival."

"Oh wow." I say dreamily, I am so in love with all these places already."

"Horse ride across the Andes."

"Hmm." I smile as Christian rubs my belly some more.

"Climb Sydney Harbour Bridge."

"Please." I grin, I think he's figured I'm no longer talking about these places, I'm horny again!

His hand slips into the elastic of my maternity jeans and finds my bare, wet folds.

"We can fuck in a hot air balloon in Turkey."

"Why Turkey?" I ask groaning as he pushes his fingers into me.

"Because there's a place in Turkey called Cappadocia where they have these old fairy chimneys and they do hot air balloon rides up there."

"And how would we fuck?"

"You'd wear a short dress and I'd pay the guy a lot of money to drive the balloon without looking in our direction and wear headphones."

I laugh and moan at the same time, my hips rocking into Christian's fingers.

"The Maldives, Madagascar, inter-rail around Europe, visit Kilimanjaro."

"Hike?"

"No, just maybe a few feet up." Christian chuckles, I don't think either of us could hike it even at the top of our game!

"More." I groan, asking for more of his fingers but he doesn't take it that way.

"Iceland's blue lagoon, eat sushi in Japan, killer whales in British Columbia, what do you think?"

"Ah yes!" I moan as I come apart in his hand, perfect.

"Good, I look forward to it." He smiles removing his hand.

I look at him, panting and coming down from my high as he licks my juices from his fingers.

"Yummy." He says just as the front door opens.

"We're back!" Carrie's voice brings an end to our lone weekend. Ah well, I don't mind, the time we've had has been perfect.


	56. Chapter 56

**Wednesday 27th November 2013**

The place looks amazing. A Marquee in the garden, the table is like a conference table just a lot more comfortable looking, it seats twenty six comfortably, Gail and I have decorated the place in fall colours of red, gold, orange, browns, it's stunning. We've got autumn flowers and décor everywhere and we have the big lamp heaters warming the place up completely. The food is all being done in the kitchen which we're all banned from frustrating Gail!

I'm dressed in a grey three quarter sleeve top with white flannel pants for comfort, we've told the family that this event is not formal, I hope they listen or me and Christian are going to be very underdressed! Christian looks amazing, I watch as he finishes setting up the speakers for the music we'll have on quietly in the background while we eat. He looks, as always, good enough to eat. He is actually gorgeous in a knit off-white jumper and black jeans.

India is also all dressed for today in a pair of black leggings with black skirt and leopard print jacket all by juicy couture and a pair of Ugg boots. Oh she looks so adorable!

I start setting out the name tags, we want to avoid any fighting about who sits where so it's simple really, the table is a long oval shape with three on each end so Christian and I are taking one with India's high chair in between us and then Taylor, Gail and Zach are taking another end. Then there is ten seats on either side, Kate has already said that she doesn't need a spot for Caleb and so he and Baby Hannah have a little play area just to side of the dining table where Zach and India can join them after, Luke, Kate and Elliot are sitting on that side so they can be close to their children, then also on their side are Mr and Mrs Kavanagh, Ethan, Carrick, Grace, Ray and Margery, then on the opposite side Mia, Ryan, Meredith, Connie, Gary, Cassie, Wayne, Grandma Trevelyan, Clare and Laura. I have Mia near mine and Christian's end and Ethan on the opposite side near the Taylors', I don't know what their relationship is like since the breakup so better safe than sorry.

"Hey Ana." Taylor smiles as he comes in with Zachary on his shoulders, he looks good out of his suit, it's been a while since I've seen him like this. Gail comes behind them with a large dish in her oven glove covered hands.

"Gail, what have you been doing?" I ask as she sets the dish on the table.

"Curried parsnip and apple soup, I've made it every thanksgiving for as long as I can remember." She says with a shrug. "Even if no one touches it at least I made it and didn't break a tradition." She teases.

"Hmm, sounds lovely." I smile.

Gail has dressed down too, she's wearing a long black tiered maxi skirt with an oversized knit sweater.

"Hello Ana!" Zach says wrapping me up in a hug, as much as he can with my belly, he can't actually reach his arms around my waist at the moment.

"Let me look at you handsome." I say as he steps back, and adorably, he strikes a pose! He's wearing a salmon coloured polo shirt with a blue and grey cardigan with a pair of camel coloured chinos, oh he looks amazing! Gail has pulled his afro back into a ponytail which is cute, lots of product keeping it out of his face.

Taylor grabs his camera and snaps a photo making me laugh, he's a great Dad to Zach, it's a shame that he couldn't have Sophie for today, it would make this Thanksgiving perfect for him if he did have her.

Carrie isn't with us today, she's gone to stay with family for Thanksgiving but we offered her anyway, she knew the option was there to join us.

"Ana." Christian says closing off his phone.

"What?" I ask as India tugs at my pants, I can no longer lift her and she hates it and is even clingier.

"Ray and Margery have arrived, one of the caterers are bringing them down now." He says and I nod, there is one person missing today and that's Bob, he told me a few days ago he'd been offered to meet with some old friends in Savannah who were also missing their spouses this thanksgiving and he wanted to go and visit them as he missed Savannah, I gave him use of the AG inc jet and organised his hotel room on me, I want him to have fun and I wanted him to know I approve and that I will miss him but he's his own man, he doesn't have to hang with us.

"Hello Annie." Dad smiles as I hug him tight… well as tight as I can. "Look at you, that baby is getting bigger and bigger."

"And making me fatter and fatter. Hello Marge." I hug my step-mom as she smiles.

I have to laugh when I realise Dad and Marge are near matching in clothes! It's even funnier when I realise that Gail and Marge are in the same sweater just that Marge's is orange and Gail's is more off white, grey.

Thankfully everyone starts arriving at once and it's not long before the drinks are served and everyone is sitting down around the table. I smile at my family, they all look so happy as the food is served. I have some of Gail's soup along with some of the skewers but I am eyeing the wine, champagne and shrimp with jealousy.

After we've devoured the turkey, drank till everyone but me is merry and have put the kids down on the beanbags for naps Mia gets the bucket and begins handing everyone post-its and pens, this is my third year doing this game with the Grey's, writing down what you're thankful for and putting it in before guessing everyone else. Mia explains the game to those who haven't played while the rest of us write down what we're thankful for before wrapping them up and dropping them in the bucket.

"Ok so Christian, you choose first." Mia says deciding to go to her left where Christian is sat. She holds the bucket tight while Christian picks out one of the yellow papers.

"Good health, good fortune, great family." Christian reads from the paper, all I know is it's not mine. Christian scans the room while he scrunches the paper up between his fingers, he's trying to choose who it is, I know who my guess is.

"Dad!" He throws the paper all across the table, it doesn't reach anywhere near Carrick all the way at the other end but Carrick lifts his glass as a sign of his agreement, I was right too, it was the wording that made me think Carrick.

"Ok Ana." Mia says handing me the bucket to pull a paper from.

"Ana." I read frowning, the handwriting is quite childish so my first guess is a man or one of the younger girls, it's definitely not Christian's.

I scan the table and I know who it is.

"Laura you're an awful poker player." I smile rolling the paper back up as the teenager giggles, Mia's biological sister is so cute and so like Mia, seeing Laura is like a glimpse into Mia's childhood!

"Ok now Ray." Mia says handing him the bucket as Christian holds my hand, he can see that I've been affected I a good way about Laura writing my name as something she's thankful for.

Ray pulls one out and he smirks as he reads it.

"A new husband." He says. "Marge."

"Yeah." She smiles from beside him before taking her own turn at picking a post-it

Two hours later all the post-it's have been picked out and we've all eaten to the point of bursting. Mia of course insists we play more games and it isn't until I'm exhausted that I have to sit down with the kids and as Christian sits behind me with his legs around me I fall into a nap with all my family and friends around, on the one day of the year we're supposed to be completely thankful!


	57. Chapter 57

**Tuesday 3rd December 2013**

"Hey Ana!" Kate beams as I step out of the SUV. I've barely closed the door before she's wrapped her arms around me tight in a hug, as much as she can over my still growing bump.

"Ana dear." Grace smiles before she too takes her turn in hugging me while Oreon sets up India's pushchair.

Today, Kate, Grace and I are Christmas shopping together. It's nice to just be out with them, Oreon keeping back and just the three of us getting to spend some time together. Kate has Caleb in his pushchair, I have India in hers and Grace is happy enough walking in the middle between us and bitching about Mia not sure if she's going to come home for Christmas this year.

"I mean don't get me wrong I understand that she's married now and living in LA but is it really that bad for her to fly home for Christmas? Elliot and Christian still come for the afternoon and I know that the plan is the same for this year but she isn't sure whether she wants to leave Ryan and he wants to spend some of Christmas with his parents. What do you think?"

"Is she coming home at all over the holidays?" I ask completely understanding Grace's point but also understanding Mia's.

"New Year's Eve." Grace grumbles.

"I guess you could live with it for this year and then next year ask her to be here for Christmas and there for New Year's Eve."

"The reason she's coming home for New Year is because Ryan is doing some TV thing in New York and she wouldn't get to see the New Year in with him any way so she'd rather be here at a party than stuck in a hotel room until one am alone." Grace sighs, I do feel for her but Mia's a married woman now living in another state, she can't just pop home for even an hour like Christian or Elliot could do if Kate or me didn't want to spend any of Christmas with the Grey's. "I'm sorry I just feel like this year Christmas will be missing something."

"Oh Grace we understand." Kate says sympathetically. "I mean it's hard for Elliot and I to split Christmas between my parents and you and we're all in the same state!"

"But at least you make some effort, I offered Mia to come for Christmas Eve or Boxing day and I was going to talk to you all about doing Christmas on the wrong day all together, let you all enjoy Christmas day in your own homes and then celebrate either a day early or a day late all together but she won't back down about it. She point blank refused to even consider it."

I've never seen Grace like this, it's shocking actually but I do really feel for her and I know Kate does too. I can't imagine how hard it is to suddenly having something done differently and I actually feel angry at Mia, this woman gave her a home and a life, the least she could do is come home for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Being in Bellevue Square Mall leaves us with plenty of places to do our shopping. I have no idea what I want to get anyone but as we approach Macy's and I see the sign for Santa I realise that's something I want to do with India. It doesn't start till next week but I am coming up here and I will wait in line with India and have her photographed with Santa Clause and maybe I'll be able to persuade Christian to come along too.

"Right then, let's look for clothes for these grandbabies of mine." Grace says excitedly leaving me and Kate to laugh and follow her as she makes her way to the baby clothes, it's obvious that Grace knows her way around this store. I hope that she realises that we're here to do Christmas shopping and not just buy clothes for kids who already have more clothes than they could possibly wear!

Grace is instantly grabbing away at things, Ralph Lauren coats, cardigans, clothing sets. They're all beautiful and I almost laugh when I see some are in a size bigger than what India is at the moment, I guess she's thinking ahead.

Again with the boy's clothes she does the same and she eyes me as I look at some of the clothes too. I grab a couple of things but in Caleb's size and I also grab some things for baby Hannah before dragging Grace and Kate over to the older boys clothes to get some stuff for Zach.

It's all we really needed from Macy's so we exit the store into the mall together and we are right outside LOFT which has Kate squealing in glee. She's almost got her figure back already and I know she's dying to show it off with the latest trends so both Grace and I amuse her by following her inside.

While Kate gets some new clothes I don't manage to stop myself from buying a couple of pairs of shoes that I won't fit into until I'm done being pregnant but that's ok, some shoes just never go out of style and these are like that. Thankfully Kate doesn't make us stick around for too long.

"I'm so jealous." I groan as we walk out of loft.

"Why?" Grace and Kate ask at the same time making me giggle.

"Kate got her figure back so quick, I didn't." I groan. "I definitely won't this time."

"Oh Ana!" Grace scolds making Kate and my eyes meet. "You worked hard to get your figure back and better, that's the difference, Kate slimmed down and you muscled up."

"I won't be doing it this time. Quicker I get back in shape the better." I say making Grace roll her eyes, does everyone have that habit?

Opposite loft is a store called Blissberri which apparently I just have to try according to Kate, Grace and I have realised this is one of Kate's first shopping trips since Caleb's birth and that means we're going to have to suffer for her enjoyment, I hope she remembers what it's like to be pregnant because I am not going from store to store today.

Blissberri is a store that makes natural frozen yoghurt to your tastes. Kate grins at me as I happily get involved, my pregnancy to blame for me fancying a little of everything!

Something silver is the store that I am really interested in and it's right next door to Blissberri. With a mouthful of frozen yoghurt I march in with India, how I manage to juggle the pushchair and my yoghurt I don't know but I do, I guess it's a tact all mother's learn because Kate is doing it too!

Here I manage to buy something for Kate, Mia and Kate without them having any idea, I think Kate's suspicious but seeing a she likes surprises she keeps away, Grace is just as happy as I am browsing so I get left alone from her too. This is just a small something towards their gifts from Christian and I.

We grab a starbucks to continue on our journey and it gives me a chance to give India a cookie, she's so well behaved happy in her pushchair, seeing everything going on around her even though I know Christian would have something to say about me giving our daughter sweets before lunch, who cares, this is girls plus baby Caleb day.

Godiva Chocolatier was a bad idea for all of us, we spend an absolute fortune on stuff that won't even keep until Christmas. Of course the free sample we got given when the store manager recognised me was a bonus and once again I get to eat something as I walk, hmmm chocolate!

Kate as expected goes wild in Forever 21 making me jealous again. I can't clothes shop at all for myself because I know that I won't ever go down to my old size again and I don't know what will suit me because I don't know what my new after-pregnancy shape will be. I mean my body completely changed after India was born and I know it will happen again.

"You ok Ana?" Grace asks as we wait for Kate to finish paying for her Forever 21 treats.

"Yeah, I just would love to not be pregnant right now." I chuckle making Grace smile.

"I know I can't talk Ana, I mean I don't know how you're feeling but enjoy it while it lasts, something tells me you and Christian will go to extraordinary measures to make sure you don't get pregnant again until it's planned." I give Grace a sad smile, I know seeing Kate and I being pregnant hasn't been easy on her, I know she wanted her own child more than anything until one day she realised she'd never be able to and adoption was what happened for her, not that she'd change her three kids for anything!

By the time we're done for the day I want to strangle Kate and Grace knows it. I have been struggling for the past couple of hours but Kate insisted "just one more place" until she was done. My ankles hurt, I'm tired, the first thing I'm doing when I get home is having a hot bath and a nap, I hope for one to come after the other but who knows! I'm just so exhausted, but it was a very productive day, I mean I got most gifts so that can't be bad right?


	58. Chapter 58

**Sunday 8th December 2013**

I look at the huge empty tree in the living room. It looks so bear at the moment, just waiting for us to get all the ornaments on it. I'm so excited. Christian has the electric fire on, the room is warm. I've made us hot chocolate. India is wearing a little Santa's elf outfit and even Christian and me are dressed a little Christmassy too.

As Christian deposits the last box of ornaments at the bottom of the tree I put on some Christmas music low, not loud like the last time we decorate a tree together… which happened to be the first time we decorated a tree together.

I try not to think of last Christmas where Christian was stuck in China or Japan or wherever the fuck he was arriving home at the last minute of Christmas Eve to find me sobbing on the couch. I would have divorced him had he not been home when I woke the next morning, it was India's first Christmas and he almost missed it, this year though he has no away plans except for next weekend where he's taking me to Swalish Lodge for the weekend and India Annalise is going to stay with Grandma and Grandpa Grey while Mommy has her babymoon!

"Hmm so where are we going to start?" Christian asks as he wraps his arms around me, his hands resting on the bump that cocoons our son while our daughter decorates herself in tinsel on the floor.

"Shall we get the lights on it first?" I ask and He nods in agreement and points to the box that he kept last year containing the three sets of lights. I almost groan when Christian removes them to find them all tangled up and that means a good portion of our morning is going to go on untangling the lights.

"I could just throw them out and pop to town to get us some new lights." He suggests as I find one of the sockets to start my path to unravel it.

"No Christian, we're going to do something very normal and sit here untangling the lights and complain about it." I say making him chuckle as he plops down beside me grabbing one of the other sockets.

It takes a good couple of hours and a lot of swearing from Christian but we make it and we get the lights up around the tree. It's a perfect start even though they've not been turned on yet.

We take it in turns to get India to put on some of the ornaments while we put on some ourselves in between snapping pictures and dancing around to the Christmas music. Christmas is most definitely my favourite time of year, it's the time where even Christian becomes a child and starts to believe in magic again.

India hasn't stopped laughing but she does begin to tire when we put the tinsel on, taking away her favourite new toy.

"I'll have to go buy her some tinsel." Christian notes making me giggle. It's so funny that he just wants to but away some of our problems but India has to learn.

"I was just wondering how we're going to keep India away from the tree, I'm scared she'll pull it on her head." I say as I finish wrapping up some of the red tinsel around the middle of the tree. Christian has to do the top and bottom bending and stretching become harder by the day and with less than a month to go he understands that.

"I guess we'll have to put a safety guard around it. I'll have one delivered tomorrow." He says and I roll my eyes, simple answer on his behalf after just a moments' thought, sometimes I wonder how people who aren't rich manage to bring up children!

After getting the tree up Christian makes me sit down with India on my lap while he gets ready to turn on the lights of the tree. India's a little preoccupied with holding my hands in her own podgy ones until Christian calls her name and snaps the lights on.

It brings tears to my eyes as he little face lights up just like the tree. She looks at it in complete away, a smile gracing her lips, her blue eyes twinkling. Christian's eyes meet mine and he smiles and nods before capturing a picture of India and I still sitting on the couch. Now I know a guard of some sort is absolutely necessary because India isn't going to leave the tree alone and that means being unable to leave her alone even for a second in this room from now until a guard is up.

After we're happy with the tree and have snapped a few photos to email to family Christian and I go through to the kitchen, while India happily does some colouring with her Daddy I cook us some dinner and I realise that I do have a normal family… some of the time.


	59. Chapter 59

**Wednesday 11th December 2013**

Today wasn't planned, it just sort of fell into place. Luke and I went to do some more shopping together and he mentioned how he wanted to be at his home with his daughter for Christmas, not that he isn't grateful to us for everything we've done but he does want to be home for Christmas.

And that's how we ended up here, in Luke's apartment, clearing out Hannah's stuff.

It breaks my heart to be in this situation but I'll get through it for the man beside me who's struggling to hold it together. He thinks clearing out Hannah's stuff would be a way of him starting to move forward so if he wants my help he's got it. Even though it's indescribable to see a person you loved summed up to their possessions.

"Is there any clothes you want to keep?" I ask as Luke hands me the garbage bag, the clothes he doesn't keep are going to goodwill but there has to be something he does want to keep.

"Her wedding dress." He replies and I nod, I understand why he would want to keep that. "But everything else can go."

"Ok."

"I'm going to sort out her Jewellery box." He says quietly, I can't imagine how hard this must be for him.

I'm left alone by the closet and I begin to sort out the clothes, folding them neatly and putting them into bags. There are a lot of items, when I pull them off the hangers, I remember them.

Like the red turtle neck dress, she wore that when we were in Nevada on the book tour and complained the entire time that she was too hot, she tugged at the neck through most of the day so at the lunch break I got her to change into the spare outfit I had with me, I don't think I've ever had anyone be so grateful to borrow clothes before!

It doesn't take long for me to empty Hannah's closet and the wedding dress I close up in a dress bag and hang it back up. Hannah looked so amazing on her wedding day, she glowed with happiness and there was no denying that she loved Luke and planned on spending the rest of her life with him, little did anyone know how short that life would actually be.

I move from the closet to Hannah's drawers and empty those too, again I see items I recognise, things she wore often because she liked them that much. It's shocking to see them again actually, it's almost like you expect when someone died that's it, you want see any of their clothes or anything again.

When they're done I move the bags to the door, I'll drop them off at goodwill or have Gail do it tomorrow. I switch on the kettle in the kitchen deciding a coffee would do us both some good when I feel something around my neck.

"Luke!" I gasp, he made me jump, I was so lost in thought that I really didn't hear him come behind me and didn't notice till something cold hit my chest.

"Sorry, I just want you to have this, Hannah would too." He says closing the necklace.

I look down and I see a treble clef covered in stones, it's beautiful. I've never seen it before but I can guess that it's come from Hannah's Jewellery box.

"Hannah showed it to me, a couple of weeks before she died. Said she wanted to get you something like it for your birthday. Maybe one more expensive, this is silver and cubic zirconia at most seventy five dollars but…" Luke turns me around and looks down at the chain. "I thought you'd like it. Something to remember Hannah by."

"Are you sure?" I ask him my fingers dancing along the silver of the chain, I'll never take it off again if he wants me to keep it.

"Absolutely. It looks pretty on you." He smiles and in a move so out of the blue he kisses me on the forehead before walking off leaving me momentarily stunned. We've never been affectionate before, maybe it's because he wanted to say thank you and didn't know how. It wasn't a sexual kiss in any way but still, Christian doesn't need to know about it.

I smile and get on with making our coffees, my fingers slipping to the treble clef around my throat a few times, I hope Hannah does like it on me.

After Luke is finished, he's thrown away all of Hannah's perfumes and body lotions except for the perfume she most often wore. He's packed up most of her Jewellery to forward to Lois except for the few pieces he's keeping and then all her clothes are too ready to go.

The last box he hands me and I'm confused as to why but once I open it I'm not. It's Hannah's work stuff, her second iPad, notebooks, the silly pens she used… it bring another lump to my throat.

"Hannah wouldn't want you struggling to do everything by yourself. She wouldn't think you were replacing her either. Hire another PA Ana." He says giving me a hug. I hold him tight and blink back my tears, I don't want to cry but to hear those words out of Luke's mouth is almost as good as hearing them out of Hannah's herself.

We put everything in my car and he knows I'll deal with them before we go back inside and Luke brings out all the Christmas decorations, I guess he's getting ready for Christmas with Hannah. I'm about to make my excuses but Luke's eyes asks me to stay, even if his voice fails him.

Together I help them with the tree, and I also make sure to snap loads of pictures of Luke and his daughter as he hangs up ornaments and watches her face which seems fascinated by all the colours. It takes a good hour but when it's done and Luke puts Hannah down for her nap I make my excuses, just to receive another hug and a kiss on the head and a big thank you. His actions spoke far more than just thank you for today though, it's a thank you for everything and he doesn't need to thank me.


	60. Chapter 60

**Saturday 14th December 2013**

It was strange waving goodbye to India and leaving her at Grace and Carrick's but I'm not at all regretting it. Christian is mine and I am Christian's for the next two days and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's my babymoon!

We're spending two days and one night at Salish Lodge, where I took Mia on her bachelorette party which means I get a weekend of pampering before the little man decides to make his appearance. On top of the pampering I have a weekend with Christian in a hotel room and I'm looking forward to some kinky fuckery of any kind.

The spa and lodge is a truly beautiful place no matter what time of year you decide to visit, even though it's cold and I don't want to hang about outside I took a quick glimpse of my beautiful surroundings before taking Christian's arm and going inside.

Christian checks us in but we don't go straight upstairs, oh no, because I skipped breakfast because I wanted to get here we're having food first. Damn, and there I was hoping we could kick off this weekend with great sex!

We're shown through to the stunning dining room, I have been here before but it's just spectacular and it's beauty must be mentioned. It's almost wrong knowing that this place is in Seattle because it doesn't belong here, it's so beautiful it should be in the alps or somewhere amazing like that.

With Christian's help I'm lowered into one of the white padded chairs and Christian laughing at me being unable to sit that low alone makes me pout, he's an idiot sometimes.

"Oh baby I'm sorry." He says while I cross my arms and look in another direction, I'm only teasing him and I break out in a smile before he begins begging for forgiveness.

We eat a hearty meal of eggs, bacon and pancakes before finally we get to go upstairs. Thank heavens for that, I've been turned on all morning because I knew what would happen today and Christian only had to make me wait longer!

Christian decides to make love to me, slowly… well from behind too because my bump now makes it impossible for me to lie on my back and have him between my legs but it was still nice and slow, his promise of kinky fuckery tonight however makes me hungry for him again.

In the spa I get the works, a full body massage, I feel all like jelly from the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes and then I meet Christian in the warm pool where we cuddle up together and just relax. There's no need to talk, just being here together is perfect.

After a heart dinner and a lot of spending at the spa shop it's upstairs to bed where we get to just lose ourselves in one another.

"Get naked, lie in the middle of the bed." Christian orders as soon as we've stepped into the bedroom, yes I have my Dom here now, maybe he can cure the ache between my legs!

Once naked and in the middle of the bed Christian comes from the bathroom also naked with a flogger and blindfold. He takes away my sight before getting to work raising the blood all over my still sensitised skin. Wow! Having a flogger on me after a massage is a whole new experience, it's amazing!

Once he's done he gets between my legs, his mouth works hard, fast, he's relentless until I come loudly, calling out his name in pure ecstasy.

Then it's time for sex, still sensitive he pulls me on top of him and still blind folded he guides himself into me. I don't do nothing, just try hard to work in tandem with his relentless hips as he thrusts in and out fast and hard from underneath me. His hands grip my hips tight enough that he could bruise me but I don't care. I love this.

If this is what tomorrow's going to be like too I'm really not complaining.


	61. Chapter 61

**Sunday 22nd December 2013**

Christian, India and I are in Macy's together to visit Santa Clause. It's amazing to be standing in a long line with loads of kids and their parents waiting their turn to get their photograph with the bearded man.

The store is decorated like Santa's grotto, India's eyes are wide and she's super excited. Christian is in a foul mood, he wanted to pull some strings to get us in quicker but I wouldn't let him.

We do have Taylor Gail and Zach in the line behind us and we do have security surrounding us, what's the worst that could happen? That the line takes a good couple of hours to get through? Who cares?!

"We could have just had Dad dress up as Santa, or Elliot."

"It wouldn't be the same." I reply, he's really slowly putting a downer on my mood.

"We have a better quality camera than these fucks and I can put a nice Christmas border around the photographs." He continues, he's asking for me to fight him here.

"Watch your language Christian we're surrounded by kids and please try and enjoy this or go with Ryan and wait in the car." I snap, doesn't he get how special this is for me and for him, seeing India with Santa, she sort of has more of a concept of Christmas this year and the build up to Christmas sucked last year. I could seriously give it to him I just don't want to ruin today.

"Ana."

"Yes Zachary."

"My friends in school say that it isn't the real Santa here." Zach says as I look at him confused, hmm where do I go with that, how do I tell him it is when clearly it isn't.

"Well Zach." Christian kneels down in front of the boy and looks up at him, I hope he isn't going to say something to ruin this child's Christmas now. "See the real Santa is really busy with the elves getting all your toys and everyone else's toys ready for Christmas day so he has lots of Santa helpers, not like elves but other Santa's that look like him and he sends them all over the world to find out what all the children want, so no it isn't the real Santa but he's just like Santa."

I look at Gail who's smiling broadly, I guess Christian comes out on top of this one.

"I can't see anything from here." Zach pouts and Christian laughs before scooping the boy up onto his shoulders. I laugh as Zach holds tight to Christian's head making Christian hold tight to Zach's legs.

"Can you see now?" Christian asks.

"Yeah! There's loads of toys and big robot! Can we go see the big robot Christian?"

"Maybe after we've seen Santa ok little man?" Christian replies and I look at Gail and Taylor who couldn't look prouder if they tried.

"And there's a giant rabbit, can we see the giant rabbit Christian?"

"After Santa if Mom and Dad say it's ok."

"Can we Mom, Dad?" Zach looks down at Taylor and Gail who I know cannot possibly say no to that adorable little face that is glowing with excitement.

"If Ana and Christian say it's ok." Taylor says, I guess he's playing it safe. I nod and so does Christian and Zach whoops to the point he almost falls of Christian's shoulders and earns us a few looks from people. Sadly, I am hidden behind a pair of sunglasses, even indoors because I don't want to be harassed today, and being surrounded by security is helping too though a few people have looked and pointed in our direction before deciding against coming to ask for an autograph, not today please.

"I'm hungry." Zach says as we near the front of the line.

"How about I make you a deal, after we see Santa and get photos, we'll go eat then come back to see the Robot and the Rabbit."

"Yeah!" Zachary says excitedly in reply to my husband, something tells me he's hungry too!

Thankfully it's our turn and we all go in together. They're really nice especially Santa who shakes all of our hands before greeting Zach and India.

India goes first but as soon as we've sat her on Santa's lap she begins to wail, loudly. I am quick to remove my daughter and shush her, poor girl, I can't imagine how much I've just traumatised her. This was my stupid idea.

"Ma'am, if you want, you could sit on Santa's lap with your daughter so we can get a photo." One of the elves says, I guess they're used to screaming babies here. Christian sniggers as he holds India and I'm directed to sit on Santa's lap.

"Sorry." I squeal knowing I weigh a tonne with the fact there's not just me but baby James Theo too.

"It's no problem, as light as a feather." Santa winks, is he flirting with me? Does it again I'll pull his beard and snap it back into his face!

India is then places on my lap and I tickle her so we get a photo. Before we even begin to move Christian is directed to stand behind me and another photo is taken.

"Would you like one as a big group?" The elf behind the camera asks in such a bored manner, I can't imagine this being the most fun job in the world but at least put on an act right?

"Yes please." I say and Zach is quick to come join us.

While he sits on Santa's other knee and Gail and Taylor stand behind him we get a wonderful group photo, especially with India happy playing with the bells one of the elves gave her.

"Ok so here is a present for this precious girl." He says handing India a present which has her instantly abandoning the bells in favour of the colourful wrapped gift. Christian and I stand to one side while Zach tells Santa Clause what he would like for Christmas which include, Waffles, a bike and a baby sister which has Taylor and Gail spluttering. Santa gives Zach a gift before we're on our way, our ten minutes more than up.

Outside the booth Christian and Taylor order the photographs while Gail and I stand to the side, she's still sniggering about Zachary's comment about a baby sister but I wonder if she's thinking of adopting another child, I mean, Zach obviously is all for it and I definitely am.

With Zach's announcement that he wants Pizza for lunch our little family head over to Pagliacci Pizza just on the street outside the shopping mall, it is a part of the mall just its entrance is from the street rather than the mall itself.

"Baby will you order for me, I just need to go look at something in the mall, I won't be long."

"Ok." I kiss him before he goes and we're handed menus.

It's actually really strange to be ordering Christian his meal, normally he's the one ordering for me. Thankfully two and a half years of marriage and you do learn what your loved one likes on a pizza.

Zach wants to order everything while India is happy enough eating the breadsticks! Eventually though we get to order and Christian comes back in time for the food to be served.

"Thanks baby." He smiles as the meat feast pizza is placed down in front of him, yeah I did good!

Once we've eaten it's back to Macy's so that Zach and look at the giant Robot and Rabbit. He has his photo taken with them but India is getting cranky and is in need of a nap so she's not being very co-operative, so it's time to go home.


	62. Chapter 62

**Tuesday 24th December 2013**

It's Christmas Eve and once again I get my own way with Christian. He, India and I venture out without security down to do some shopping. Of course we're spotted by the press but they don't approach though as soon as we're in the store with India sitting in the cart Christian shows us on the Nooz website. I just roll my eyes and shake my head, we're used to it but it shouldn't stop us from doing things like this.

"So we need chocolates, nuts, savoury snacks, breadsticks, more chocolate… more chocolate. Ana were you by any chance craving chocolate when you wrote this list?" Christian smirks showing me the list I pencilled.

"Yes I was." I say nodding making him laugh, seriously I was really craving chocolate when I wrote that list.

"And you want cheap supermarket chocolate?"

"Yes, they should be in little bowls scattered around the house for tomorrow that we can all help ourselves to for the next week and we're sick of the sight of the stuff." I say chuckling. "We did it our first year." He scowls as I remind him of last Christmas, where he just made it home in time to see it in with India and I. I could have killed him, if it wasn't for Grace and Carrick's intervention there wouldn't have been any decorations at our house last year. I was so angry, it was India's first Christmas and our first Christmas in our new home.

"Oh look how cute is this?" Christian asks picking up a hollow Santa chocolate.

"Did Mr CEO Christian Grey just use the word cute?" I ask, I know he's trying to take my mind off last Christmas and it's working.

"I may have." He says pretending to blush, it makes me laugh and like that it's forgotten.

We spend nearly five hundred dollars on a variety of cheap chocolate, cakes, savoury snacks and things for a day after Christmas buffet which we're having with just Grace, Carrick, Elliot, Kate, Caleb, Marge, Ray and Bob at our house. Taylor is getting Sophie for the day after Christmas so we won't be seeing them this year.

Arriving back home Taylor, Gail and Zach do join us for a Christmas Eve meal. I had a casserole slow cooking in the oven while I was out and while Gail helps me finish off the soup starter Taylor, Christian, Zach and India get the chocolates out… while sampling them all.

"None of you will have room for dinner." I say as I bring up a bottle of wine from the cellar cupboard. I may not be able to drink it but the rest of the adults will enjoy some red wine with the casserole, which unbeknownst to Christian has a dash of red wine in it… I mean it's about a mouthful of wine per portion, it isn't going to kill me or hurt James and I mean I'm serving this to the kids, if I was that bothered by it I wouldn't be feeding India any either and she enjoys Gail's white wine sauce… I don't know if Christian actually realises she puts real white wine in that though.

It's such a nice atmosphere and we have a good time around the table, laughing and joking. Zachary is so excited for Santa too which is so cute. It's almost sad when the night has to come to an end but Zach and India need a bath and sleep, though something tells me Zach will take a while to go to sleep tonight.

"Why don't I bath India while you have a bath yourself?"

"Christian if I get in the bath baby I won't be able to get out." I chuckle, it is now impossible for me to get in and out of the bath, in is easier than out though.

"A shower then." Christian encourages and I manage a nod and a kiss.

"We need to put milk and cookies out for santa."

"She's too young to understand."

"I don't care." I reply, it's part of the fun of Christmas, I did it last year without Christian something I think he will always regret, this year though we're doing it together.

"Ok, I'll have her in her pyjamas and then we can go put Milk and Cookies out for Santa."

"And a carrot for Rudolph." I add before turning on my heels, even without looking I know he's shaking his head.

I actually enjoy my shower, the reason being the bench that means I can sit and not stand. I am exhausted, having been shopping and wrapping gifts and then having a meal, I know as excited as I am for tomorrow I'm going to be asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow!

Once I've dried my hair some and pulled on my maternity pyjamas and Christian's robe I make my way down to India's room. Christian's sitting her on his hip and making her giggle.

"She won't sleep if you wind her up." I tell him.

"That's ok, it's Christmas and she can be as wound up as she wants."

"You won't be saying that in a couple of hours when she's crying because she's exhausted because I promise you Mr Grey I'm going to have an early night and I'm not waking till morning."

"That's fine." He shrugs. "Come on then Indie Momma wants to put Milk and Cookies out for Santa because she's yet to grow up." He says in a child-like voice making me and India both giggle.

Down in the kitchen I talk animatedly to India about what I'm doing, I know she has no concept but next year… she'll really get it next year and I can't wait! Added bonus we'll have James for his first Christmas next year… unless he makes an early appearance in the next twenty four hours but I hope not!

"Right now India, it's time to get you into your crib and I'm going to read you the night before Christmas." Christian says as he takes India off the counter and I smile as she snuggles into his chest with the bottle of milk I have just give to her trapped between her lips, yeah she's more than ready for bed.

Once in India's bed Christian puts India in the crib and locks the side up while I get the book. He takes the rocking chair and I sit on his lap side on, I must be heavy but he doesn't give it away and wraps one arm around my waist as much as he can.

"Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse…" Christian begins. India's lying her crib, her big blue eyes looking at her father, her bottle in her mouth but nothing being drank.

By the time he gets half way through the book India's snoring softly, it's so beautiful to see and together we put the book away put on her night light and mobile before sneaking out of her room.

Once we're both back in our own bedroom I have to kiss him, he's such a wonderful man and father and I know he won't listen to my words. He smiles and kisses me back.

"Get in bed, I'm going to have a quick shower." He says.

I do as I'm told and I'm asleep before he gets back.

**Wednesday 25th December 2013**

Typically I wake up first this Christmas morning. I'm partly disappointed but also I'm not, having some me time first thing is blissful. I use the bathroom and wrap up warm, the house feels so cold this morning and I know it's because it's snowed last night.

Once in the kitchen I put the kettle on and the heating before going into the living room. Christian and I put the gifts out quite early, really as soon as the Taylors' left and we shut the door and didn't go in there again.

We've been spoilt and gone over the top. For such a decent sized room the place is brimming with gifts in all shapes and sizes, they include our gifts from family and friends of course. I switch on the electric fire place and take a couple of photos on the Nikon before going out and shutting the door behind me. It's insane, the gifts fill under the tree and go up across the couch and chair, completely covering them. At least our plan is to help India open her gifts, put them to one side and have her happy with some cookies and a new toy while we open our own gifts because there are so much to get through we have thought about maybe not opening everything at once, I don't think we'll be able to keep India's attention long enough and maybe it would be nice to open more gifts later on this afternoon.

I enjoy my tea with a chair up against the French doors. The snow covered garden looks stunning and I want to take India out to play in it, though I do believe Mr Grey will have strong objections to his heavily pregnant wife making a snow man. Maybe I can do an hour if I wrap up like an eskimo… I love the snow.

"Good morning." The husky voice of my husband makes me jump until his arms wrap around my shoulders. "Merry Christmas."

"Hmm Merry Christmas." I reply receiving a kiss.

"So India's chosen this morning to have a lie in?" He questions, it is gone eight am which is shocking, India likes to wake the house at six am.

"I guess so, we did tire her out yesterday though." I smile as Christian makes himself a coffee and brings over a tray of the cookies I baked.

"Well a little alone time might not be a bad thing, did you switch on the heater and set up the camera?"

"I switched on the heater yes but you'll need to turn the camera on." I reply as he pulls me to his side with one arm and drinks his coffee.

"We'll have all this again so many times over the next few years. Next year will be our Son's first Christmas and India will be old enough to understand, maybe we should cover the house and garden in lights next year rather than just the ones around the gate?"

"We could do, India would love it I mean look at her face when she saw the lights of the tree go on." I smile, Christian is really thoughtful, he's amazing and these small things he says and does are reminders of why and what made me fall in love with him.

By nine o'clock Christian is purposely being noisy in the hopes of waking India up. I've been cooking the stuff for tomorrows buffet, clanging pots and pans and Christian even put the intercom system in India's room on baby monitor for this room so all the noise would fill her room yet she hasn't stirred. I've checked her head, she's not got a temperature and she definitely still has a pulse, she seems fine just sleeping.

"Can we just wake her already?"

"And have her cranky all day because she needs a nap but won't take one because of the excitement? Yeah not going to happen Grey."

"Then why don't we start opening our presents?"

"Because I don't really care about my presents Christian I just want to see what India's had off you and the rest of the family, I want to see her wide eyes at all the gifts, I want to capture her face on camera when she's bought into the living room, can you live with that?" Just as I finish India's voice reaches our ears.

"Mamama! Dadadada!"

"Stop your complaining and go fetch our daughter." I tell him as I wipe my hands and turn the food cooking down.

Christian hurries off to get India and I sort myself out and meet them at the bottom of the stairs, as Grey tradition asks, India will have her stocking at Grandma and Grandpa's later.

We enter the living room and the automatic sensor Christian put on the Video cameras begin to record, I know he'll have so much fun over the next week editing this footage while making more videos of our daughter, he is rarely away from the video camera when it comes to India and I love it!

India's face is a picture, she doesn't know where to look as her head turns from one place to the next in complete awe.

We sit down in the places we decided was best when we set the cameras up the previous evening and while India sits between my legs Christian passes the gifts over while capturing stills on the Nikon.

"To India, lots of love from Mommy and Daddy." I read off the card even though I know India really doesn't give a shit who it's off, this was the one gift we chose together for her off us, the rest are her "santa" gifts and she has one each bought separately.

I open the small box for her and watch as her fingers instantly go to grab it. It's a gold necklace with a pearl on a pendant and an engraved circle pendant that says India 25-12-2013 and on the back Love Mom & Dad x

I take it out of the box and she watches in fascination as I put it around her neck. Of course she instantly begins to play with it and tug at it and now I see why Christian added four hundred dollars to the cost to get the chain made strong and thicker, India though sees quickly it won't come off and just plays with it until we put another gift in front of her.

"To India Happy Christmas from Grandpa Ray." I say and she happily helps me tear off the wrapping. It's a very big handmade dolls house, it's stunning. India's name is on the roof in gold lettering and I know Ray must have started making this the day India was born, if not the day he found out she was a girl.

"Wow." Christian says as we open it up via the catch on the side and we see the family of four inside, a baby, a child, a mom and a dad, something tells me the baby was a last minute edition. All the furniture is tiny and also I know that some of it Ray made himself though some is so small I don't think he would have been able to make it himself.

Christian closes the dolls' house and carefully moves it off to one side before coming back to give India another gift, she's being grabby this morning and going for the ones within reach.

"To India, from Santa." This has my handwriting and it's one I got bored of writing, there's only so much "To India Merry Christmas love from Santa Clause" you can write before you get bored and your hand begins to cramp.

Two hours later and India's barely half way through her gifts and bored. We open up some chocolates for her and the "My first baby Annabel" and leave her to it, she loves the doll already and now I'm glad that Christian and I bought baby Annabel a whole damn mini nursery, it's a tool hopefully so that India can do things with the doll that we do with India and learn how she needs to be caring with the baby and never feel left out, we can have her change baby Annabel when we're changing James, it will be perfect.

"You know, we spent about two thousand dollars just on all the baby Annabel things right?" I question as Christian stands up.

"I do, it's going to be worth it though, she won't get bored of it quickly, it will hopefully last years and it will make her less jealous because we'll be able to include her in caring for James and teach her by using the damn doll." He says all the arguments I gave about why India even needed a doll in the first place, it was him who took me literally and went OTT.

"Why are you getting up, I thought we were doing our presents for a bit until India's bored again."

"We are, your present though isn't in here so I'm going to grab India and we're going to put our shoes on."

I frown but follow him anyway, I don't fancy going into the cold in just my pyjamas and robe though Christian is positive it will only be for two minutes.

Once the door opens and we're outside I see my gift with a big red bow on top.

"It's the new Audi A8, more of a family car, safe, and not a damn fucking Yaris."

"Language." I scold but India's still to pre-occupied with her doll which I now notice isn't far off being as big as her.

"Sorry. Here are the keys, I thought we could drive it up to Mom and Dad's later?"

"I'd love that!" I squeal. "I love it Christian."

"Well you're determined to drive yourself and India places with security following so I'd rather you do it in a safe car, India's seat is already in the back and so is James' for when he comes along."

"I love it, it's perfect, thank you." I had been thinking he was avoiding letting me buy a new car and helping me buy a new car because he was determined to stop me driving but here it is, a new car and now I know why he didn't want me to buy it on my own. It's silver and stunning and I can't wait to go up to Bellevue in it later. Thankfully the snow isn't too thick or there is no way Christian would let me drive.

Back in the house and I'm nervous about the first gift I have for Christian, actually I'm nervous about them all because they're not a car. We sit back down in the living room and India happily digs into the chocolate while I hand him the small box I locate that's from me.

He opens it like a little boy and when his eyes fall on the open box I close my eyes in fear he doesn't like it.

"Mine, since 2011, Ana" He reads the three tiny round charms on the black leather bracelet and I wonder if that's awe or disgust in his voice. "Ana baby, so thoughtful."

"Do you like it?"

"Love it baby, I love it. No like about it." He grins putting it straight on his wrist. "Right your turn." He hands me a box and I look at the tag, this says from India and James and I get excited to see what Christian has bought me from our daughter and son.

I nearly cry as soon as my eyes fall on the pendant inscription. Ana, friend to many, mother to two.

It's my turn and I hand Christian his, it looks like the two of us have really gone for the sentimental Jewellrey this Christmas.

"To Daddy love India." He reads smiling before he tears open the wrapper.

He guffaws as soon as he sees the pillow inside with "Daddy I love you more than Chips" cushion, it's a duplicate of the "Mommy I love you more than Cookies" one he got me for my birthday so now it's a matching set.

"Oh Ana I love it. Thank you India." He grins hugging it to his chest like a child with a teddy.

The next gift for me is off Christian and it comes in a small box. I unwrap it and open it and nearly choke with laughter on the chocolate I was eating.

"What?" He asks innocently.

"You big headed son of a gun." I say still laughing and trying not to spill chocolate dribbles down my chin. "I'd rather have Christian Grey but I'll settle for Earl Grey?"

"Don't you like it? That's real silver not the cheap sterling stuff."

"Did you get this made?" I ask him horrified at the thought also amused at how embarrassing it might have been.

"No, I saw it in the window of a store that sells gag gifts to the wealthy and I couldn't resist."

"They actually make these?"

"Ana there are tea spoons exactly the same with your name on it." He says making me choke even more, this time it's his turn to laugh.

"This is going up in my study." I announce putting it with my small pile.

Christian's next gift is off Mia and it's a satchel, he looks at it oddly but somehow I know he'll use it, just because it's off Mia. And I know by looking at the leather, the craftsmanship that she spent a pretty penny on it and that's another reason I think Christian will use it, because it's thoughtful and not something cheap. I can't imagine him ever being seen with it if it wasn't good quality and good quality equals expensive, I've learned that much.

My next gift is from Grace and Carrick and it's a set of bangles with different words of inspiration, sing like no one's listening, dance like no one's watching, Love as though you've never loved before, Live as though heaven is on earth, they're really pretty and I'll definitely get a use out of them.

I hand Christian my next gift to him and he smiles as he opens it, inside he finds a ring and when he pulls it out of the box he admires it but looks confused.

"Why the indentations on the inside?"

"That Christian, is the indentation of my ring finger, the skin like a fingerprint of where my wedding ring sits." I explain and his eyes lights up. He puts it on his right middle finger and I am so relieved to see it fits perfectly.

"I'll never take it off." He declares proudly before he hands me my gift from Mia and Ryan.

I'm not surprised to find a leather handbag but it's gorgeous and it will definitely get a use. It's gone twelve by the time we decide to stop because we have to go to Grace and Carrick's but it doesn't matter, they can all be opened later. It's Christmas and there doesn't have to be a routine!


	63. Chapter 63

**Tuesday 31st December 2013**

It's New Year's Eve and we're spending it in Bellevue, much to Christian's chargrin, he really didn't want us to spend the new year in Bellevue, so far away from Swedish if James decides to come early, I'm due in six days and it's nerve wracking but I'm not too worried, India was late and maybe James will be too.

There's only family and close friends here, Grace didn't bother with a big shindig this year but we've got food, music and there's plenty of alcohol flowing about, and with Sir's permission I'm allowed a mouthful of champagne at midnight, we're staying here tonight so no one has to worry about driving.

The kids are exhausted but none of them are giving up being awake, especially Zachary and India, they seem to be trying to outdo each other with staying awake and it's quite amusing to watch.

"Ok so Ana, everyone but you has chosen a date about when you think junior is coming so come on, seeing as this is as close to a baby shower as you're letting us throw." Mia announces. Yeah this is also my baby shower, there's baby stuff everywhere and considering it was Christmas a week ago my family have also been spoiling me with gifts for junior which are all now piled high in the corner of the marquee ready to go home with tomorrow.

"Tomorrow." I announce and Christian looks at me horrified. "What?"

"What makes you think the baby is going to come tomorrow? Have you had back pain? Any pain?"

"No Christian, I just think it would be really cute to welcome the new year in with a new baby that's all. I think the baby is quite happy and comfortable where it is and if I was laying any money on this I'd say he'd be late." Christian relaxes a little but not enough.

The next game is guessing the size of my abdomen with a piece of string. The men are all far too generous making it small so not to insult me, I almost want to punch Kate and Mia, whose string wraps around my belly twice, Grace and Carrick are near but Christian gets it spot on.

"Cheat!" Elliot yells making me giggle.

"How the fuck did I cheat?"

"Language!" Grace and I yell together setting me off again, oh I'm drunk on the atmosphere alone.

"You know Ana's waist better than anyone, you shouldn't be allowed to play this game!"

"Shut up you sore loser!" Christian yells back.

We play so many games but then everyone goes back to eating and drinking while I cuddle up with India on the bean bags hoping to get her to go to sleep while she plays with my hair. I love my little girl so much, I can't believe how much she means to me and knowing the little life inside of me will mean just as much is exciting and scary, anything happening to any of them would kill me, it would be like someone ripped up my heart into tiny pieces before setting it on fire… ok my thoughts have gone morbid.

"Ana… Ana baby wake up." I blink my eyes open to find Christian and Grace smiling down at me. Grace hands me some orange juice and I gulp it gratefully.

"What time is it?"

"Ten to midnight, we let you sleep but thought you'd like to see the New Year in." Grace explains as I sit up and rub my tired eyes. I can't believe I fell asleep at a party! "It's ok, everyone understands you're pregnant and tired, though everyone has got a shot of the real life sleeping beauty in her dress fast asleep." Grace adds chuckling, I groan in embarrassment.

By the time the countdown begins I'm up and alert with my mouthful of champagne in my glass.

"Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five!" The sides of the marquee open up to give us a view across the sound, some fireworks already going off in the distance "Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!" Christian kisses me as the fireworks begin to go off and we turn to toast, drink our drinks before holding hands to sing Auld Lang Syne together while watching the fireworks.

It wakes the kids up but none of us mind and Christian holds India as she rests her head on his shoulder and watches the firework display, it's amazing having our own fireworks and seeing the Puget sound lit with fireworks from around the place, it's beautiful!

It's nearly one am by the time we make it to the house. Everyone is drunk other than me, it's quite amusing to see people like Taylor stumbling and singing as he makes his way to the house, I don't know how Grace has organised everyone but I know that Christian, India and I are sharing his old bedroom.

As soon as I'm in bed, my head hits the pillow and I'm out, in my dress and shoes and everything. My guess is Christian will change me while I sleep!


	64. Chapter 64

**So for those of you on facebook who thought the countdown was for the end… you were wrong! It was for this chapter which I've been planning for a few days with the one and only Meganfa Figg, a huge thank you to her for her help! (Oh and if you don't like it, it's her fault!)**

**Wednesday 1st January 2014**

"Can I drive?" I ask as we head towards the car, we've just enjoyed brunch with the Grey's but now it's time to go home and relax. I can't wait to just sit down in my pyjamas and play with India and maybe do some reading when she naps. I'm still tired, India didn't like letting Mommy and Daddy have a lie in this morning.

"No." Is Christian's blunt reply, I decide not to argue any further because I am sure Mr Grey woke up one the wrong side of the bed.

"I love you." I decide to say which makes him grin like a school boy.

"I love you too, but you're still not driving." He says closing India's door after buckling her in on my side. "Now get in."

"Yes Sir." I reply poking out my tongue.

"Palm is twitching." He says shaking his hand dramatically, oh yes please, my core clenches deliciously as I climb into the car.

Luke and Taylor are in the SVU behind us with Gail, Zach and Hannah and they're following us back to the house. Luke will be having food with us tonight before crashing over and going home tomorrow, roll on Friday when everything goes back to normal!

"So what are the plans for today?" Christian asks placing his hand on my thigh and stroking softly, we've just hit the I5 and are doing a nice cruise.

"I don't know, I thought maybe just play in the living room with India, watch some Disney movies then read while she naps. I'm still tired from last night."

"Sounds good baby I…" Christian doesn't get to finish his sentence.

Our whole car is knocked from behind and I scream as we fly forward right into the back of an HGV. It all happens so fast. Everything hurts so much. I hear shattering glass all around me before everything goes black.

When my eyes open, everything hurts, so bad. It's like a scene out of a movie, there's bright red and blue lights surrounding me, the whole sky looks dark, everything hurts. India's screaming. Christian's whimpering. There's a strong smell of gas, smoke and … and blood? I smell blood, a lot of blood. Is it me? Am I bleeding? India? Christian?

I look around and start to focus in on random things, there's ambulances, fire trucks, police cars. The windscreen in front of me is gone, shattered, the windows are all smashed in the front of the car, Christian's door is gone… vanished. There's a huge lorry in front of us, and somehow I can tell that the car is either partly underneath the lorry or smashed, gone, disintegrated. I'm shocked to see a partition separating Christian and I while Paramedics are talking to him and me but I can't make sense of anything, everything feels disjointed and out of place.

"Ahhh!" I scream in complete agony. Oh fuck this isn't good, this isn't good. I can't panic but this really isn't good!

"Ana!" Christian's voice sounds odd, it sounds like he's in severe pain but he also sounds breathless, like he's just ran a marathon.

"Christian I can't move my legs." I say panicking even more, I need to be able to move my legs! I can feel them, that's sort of good, the pain makes me wish I couldn't but the fact that I can't move them right now is bad, real bad.

"I know baby, I know, try stay calm they're going to get you out soon." He says, trying to reassure me. "How much pain are you in?"

"It's not too bad. It's not too bad." I reassure as his hand reaches for mine under the partition, I know something is wrong with him, he's hurt, I can sense that much.

"Ok Mrs Grey, how are we doing?" An EMT asks as he peeks in through the shattered window.

"I'm ok… I can't move my legs." I say whimpering weakly like an injured dog.

"I know, we've just disengaged the airbags and burst the tires we'll be getting you out of here soon. We're going to get India out through the window first ok?" The EMT says, he's reassuring, I like him, I hope I see more of him because he has a calming influence on me, I need to tell him something.

"I'm in labour." I tell him in a quiet desperate plea, I don't want Christian panicking, I know he's hurt.

"Ok, ok, just keep calm for me, I'm going to get some water for you, I need you drinking ok?" He says an I just nod hard.

"Ok." I nod still trying to count for my next contraction. "Ahhh!"

"Ana? Ana baby?" Christian asks.

"Christian I'm in labour." I whimper, he's going to figure it out eventually, I might as well tell him.

"Shit! Can you fucking get my wife out of here now!" He yells and I whimper more trying to calm off the tears.

"Soon Mr Grey." A voice says from his side.

"Taylor get to Ana!" He yells. "Ana baby, look at me, look at me. How close are the contractions?"

"About five minutes or so, I've only had two."

"Ok, ok baby. You're going to be ok, they're going to get you out of here ok, they will."

"Are you hurt Christian?"

"No baby. I'm fine, I'm fine."

"Then why the screen?" I ask gripping his hand tight in my own, it's scaring me.

"Ok baby I'm a little hurt, some stuff fell off the back of the lorry and came through the window but I'm ok."

"Promise?"

"Yeah." He nods but it's not very reassuring.

"Mrs Grey, the EMT's want you to drink this." Taylor says, he looks worried and stressed but he's in command and control, that's reassuring.

"Do as they say Ana." Christian says and I nod and take the water from Taylor and drink greedily.

"They're just taking India out." Taylor tells me.

"Please let me see her." Christian says and Jason nods and steps up to get our daughter from the fire fighters removing her through the window. Her screams terrify me, is she hurt?

I look over to Christian and he squeezes my hand tight in his own, this is a nightmare. My head's swimming and pounding, the pain in my body is indescribable, I think I may have whiplash but my main worry is the gush of liquid that's just come between my legs.

"Help!" I scream in a panic.

"Ana? Ana?!" Christian yells.

"My water broke." I whimper before yelling out as another contraction goes on a rampage through my entire body. Everything tensing horribly as I grip Christian's hand and the seat.

"How was that baby?"

"Horrible, I can't count them."

"Ok, shh ok, Taylor get Luke to count Ana's contractions and let me kiss India."

I watch as Christian kisses India's cheeks, she calmed in someone familiar's arms and she doesn't look hurt from what I can see.

"Daddy loves you India, so much, you be a good girl ok? Take care of Mommy for me." I hear him whisper, is he more hurt than he's making himself out to be? "I love you, so much, more than life. Go Taylor." He groans in emotional pain and his head slumps back against the seat.

"What was that about?" I ask my husband.

"They're going to get you out first, she's fine, she'll be in the ambulance with you and I just wanted to calm her down." He says giving me a weak pain filled smile.

"You're in pain."

"No baby I'm just cold."

"Cold?"

"Yeah." He nods and I nod too, I understand because I feel cold too.

"Right we're going to cover your faces now, we're going to be bringing the roof off ok?"

"Ok." Both Christian and I say just before thick coats are put over our heads. I'm screaming as a contraction hits but the noise from the machine breaking the car to remove the roof drowns it out. Shit, I know this baby is coming soon, he's not holding on.

As soon as the roof is off the coat is removed from my face. I see light coming from all directions but I'm a little dazed now. The pain in my body getting worse, the pain in my stomach letting me know my little boy is on the way getting stronger and longer.

"Luke what happened? How did we crash?" I ask desperate to know.

"Taylor and I were cut off by a driver, he hit the back of you sending you into the lorry." He says and I nod, it's all the explanation I needed.

"Ok Mrs Grey we're going to get you out soon, we're just going to free your legs." A fire fighter says as an EMT climbs into the back seat.

"Is there anyone else hurt?" I ask, I don't know why but just talking is keeping me calm.

"No." Luke replies looking very angry, I don't know why but they're getting ready now to get me out so I can't ask.

"Just relax Mrs Grey, don't worry about a thing, I'm going to strap this neck brace to you now so don't panic and don't move."

As the brace is put around my neck another contraction hits. The baby is fucking coming and my legs are still trapped.

"Ana." Christian says and I look at him, he looks so pale and he's shaking.

"Baby you're hurt, stop lying to me."

"I'm ok, I'm fine, I promise. Listen to me. I'm sorry I won't see our baby boy born."

"Of course you will." I say holding his hand tight, I can only see him now through the corners of my eyes.

"No baby, you'll probably have him as soon as you get to the hospital, just know I love you, I'll always love you right?"

"Christian you'll be there, I know you will." I say crying now, I hate him talking like this.

"No I don't think I will, tell him I love him, love him so much, and I love you and India, you know how much I love you right Ana?"

"I know. I love you too Christian and it doesn't matter you can tell him later that you love him, he'll see you later."

"Yeah." Christian nods just as I feel the rush of blood into my legs, I'm free!

Taylor comes back to Christian's side and I hear them whispering but I'm yelling through another contraction so I can't hear anything.

"Ok we're getting you out now Mrs Grey."

"This baby is coming, right now!" I yell and I sense the panic as a spinal board is bought into the car.

It takes only one man to push the board down my back and slide me up, once lying flat I'm strapped in.

"Christian!"

"You'll be ok, you'll be ok Ana I love you. I love you all remember I love you." He shouts as I'm carried away.

"I love you too!" I scream over the echoes of everyone around me. He must be less hurt than me, they would get him out first otherwise right? They wouldn't bring me out and leave him there, I know that right now they're pulling him out and tending to his injuries.

As I lie in the ambulance Jason Taylor lands beside me and grabs my hand.

"Where's India?"

"They took her in a separate ambulance Ana, she's ok, she's absolutely fine, Grace will be at the hospital waiting for you, she got a police escort from the house and she's waiting for you."

"How's Christian, are they getting him out now?"

"Yeah, he'll be right behind you." Jason reassures and I nod understanding before I feel almost sick with worry again.

"Taylor I need to push." I say and he glances worriedly at the EMT who has been attaching me to wires.

"Ok Mrs Grey sit up, Sir get behind her let her push against you. We'll have to deliver."

I'm unstrapped from the spinal board and Jason helps me sit up against him, I bring my legs up and hold around my knee caps and when I need to push I push, with everything I have, my son has to be alright.

He makes India's labour feel like a piss-take. Three pushes and my son's cry echoes around the ambulance. I sob with relief as the EMT cuts the chord and then places my son's naked body against my chest.

"Hello baby boy, hello James, oh hello." I sob as I lay back down. My head is spinning, I can't feel anything but dizziness. There's a loud beeping, so loud, faster and louder, I see everything going white.


	65. Chapter 65

**Wednesday 1st January 2014**

**Kate's POV**

I step into Ana's room to see her sat up in bed holding her new baby, Grace is adjusting her pillows. She looks fine, she has a cut on her head, a few cuts on her face but she looks fine.

"Kate." Ana smiles weakly.

"You know how to scare us Steele." I say sniffing, we found out about the crash by a CNN exclusive, they were showing the rescue attempts and announced that Ana was in labour, it was sickening.

"Sorry." She says sheepishly.

"Are you both ok?"

"Yeah we're fine." She nods before looking to Grace. "Can you find out about Christian now please Grace?"

"Of course Ana, I'm sure he's giving the Doctors a hard time about not letting him come see you." Grace leans over and kisses Ana's head before heading out, taking the time to squeeze my shoulder on her way, I have to admit, I've always been a little jealous of how close Ana and Grace are, though I understand it. I mean my Mom is alive and Ana's isn't.

"I can't believe you died." I say rushing over to her.

"What do you mean I died?"

"In the ambulance, I heard Taylor telling Luke that you flat lined, when that happened it was the most terrifying moment of his life. You were dying and he was holding your baby."

"I died?" Ana questions again, her eyes look troubled as she thinks. "Are you sure?"

I just nod my head, I know what I heard. Taylor told Luke that Ana flat lined in the ambulance. Flat lined means died. I know that much from watching ER.

"Christian's dead." Ana whispers, her eyes close slowly and an expression of pure anguish comes on her face. "He's dead Kate."

"What do you mean?" I whisper taking her hand, my eyes look at the Christian Grey doppelganger in her arms.

"In the ambulance, he told me…"

"He wasn't in the ambulance." I told her as she begins to get worked up, she shouldn't be getting this worked up after having a baby and the stress her poor body has been through in the past few hours alone is enough to send her into shock.

"Kate he's dead!" She yells making me jump, the baby in her arm jumps to as she begins to sob harshly. "He told me he loved me, he'd always love me and the kids, he said our baby boy was the most beautiful boy in the world. He said I'd be happy again and I'd love again, he told me he wanted me to be happy and to love again, he wanted me to go back to the kids. I thought I was dreaming Kate! I thought I was dreaming! He's dead! He's dead! I can't believe it!" Ana's becoming a mess and I do the only thing I can. I take the baby who I now know is a boy and I place him in the crib beside the bed. Ana's sobbing hard, hiccupping horribly and I rush out in search for Grace.

"Grace! Ana's a mess, she keeps saying Christian's dead, she saw him in the ambulance but she can't have, he wasn't in the ambulance with her. I think she's having a panic attack." It all comes out in a rushed mess but I think I make sense.

Grace is sitting on a black chair by a desk. I suddenly realise how white she is, how red her eyes are. She flicks them towards the computer and I turn to look at it. I see she did a patient search, for Christian.

His location – the morgue

"He's really dead." I whisper horrified. "Grace?"

She's about to say something when we both hear an ear splitting scream that we recognise to be Ana's. Grace reacts and I don't know if it's the doctor in her or the mother in her but she sprints as fast as possible from the waiting area down to Ana's room.

"Grace." Ana sobs and Grace hurries to her side and takes her hand, the other hand stroking Ana's wet hair from her face. "He's dead, I know he's dead. He's dead."

"I'm sorry sweet girl."

"No!" Ana wails. Oh my God! My heart has just shattered into a million pieces. This isn't fair! How can any of this be fair?! Ana's lost so much! She lost her Mom, her best friend and now her husband? The father of her children? There can't be a fucking God if he lets someone like Ana live a life like this.

Grace walks away from Ana over to a huge grey cabinet, I watch in wonder as she gets a key and unlocks it. Ana's hiccupping sobs, calling his name over and over, desperation written on her face. Grace comes back with a needle and a vile and I don' t think Ana even notices when Grace injects something into her IV line. Leaning over her Grace is whispering something but I don't know what it is, I can't hear her over Ana's cries but maybe I'm not supposed to either, I don't think I'll ever understand the bond Ana and Grace have, I'm just glad Ana has someone like Grace in her life.

When she's done Grace turns to me and I see Ana's asleep, Grace sedated her.

"She was sending her blood pressure through the roof…"

"Grace." I whisper, somehow I know that Grace knocked Ana out for two reasons, to stop Ana having to face the pain and to stop herself from having to try and deal with it, so she could have a few moments to come to terms with the fact she'd just lost her son.

"We need to find everyone, get them all gathered up." Grace says.

"Elliot and Carrick are both with India." I whisper realising my husband is just going to be told some of the worst news of his life.

"We'll leave it till Mia gets here too, no need to… to have to say it more than once." Grace is really struggling to keep it together and I can't resist wrapping my arms around her in a tight hug, her whole body trembles in my arms but not a noise comes from her.

I have a million questions. Who the fuck is going to pay for this? How the fuck did this happen? How the hell is Ana going to fucking live again?

Each of the questions just make me angrier and angrier, she and Christian have overcome so much to be in such a happy place and just like that it's taken from them, in the blink of an eye it's snatched away from them. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it.

The baby begins to whimper in his crib and it snaps Grace into action. She walks over to him and picks him up and I see as soon as her eyes meet the baby's she's sobbing, he has Christian's … well everything but that baby has grey eyes… I thought all Caucasian babies were born with blue eyes… not this one.

I step out of the room and rub my eyes, I don't want to cry. I need to be strong right now for Ana and for Elliot, they've lost something so important. I want to cry for them, the pain they're in hurts but I won't. I need to be there for them.

As I look up I see Taylor and Luke and they both look distraught… and that's when I realise… they know.

"How the hell did you know? And why the fuck didn't you tell anyone?" I ask suddenly feeling furious.

"It was obvious on scene he wasn't going to make it Mrs Grey." Taylor replies stoically, I know he's hurting, he's just lost his best friend.

"What happened, they showed him and Ana in the car on CNN from the distance, he was talking to her."

"He was severed." Taylor says quietly.

"Severed?" I ask confused.

"A thin sheet of glass fell from the lorry, fell on a diagonal angle at such a speed it cut him… in half." Taylor looks distraught and I gasp, that's horrifying.

"How the hell was he still talking?"

"The glass was wedged in through the seat, the glass that killed him kept him alive. It wasn't until they would move it that he would bleed out. He wanted them to get Ana out before they moved it."

"He knew?" I am even more shocked. Taylor's nod confirms that Christian, the entire time, knew this glass was keeping him alive. "Ana says she saw him, in the ambulance when she died."

"What?"

"When she died, she spoke to him… he told her that she loved him and that she'd be happy and would love again. That's how Ana knew he'd died." I say and Luke and Taylor both look horrified. "That's how she knew, she told me and I went to find Grace thinking she had to be wrong because he wasn't in the ambulance, Grace had found out when she did a search for him and found his location to be the morgue… he's really dead isn't he?"

"I'm afraid so." Taylor says and I see he's close to tears. I manage to give his bicep a squeeze and I walk back to Ana's room. Grace is sat in a chair holding the baby, she's crying quietly, Ana's still sleeping. I don't know what the hell actually happened but I can't believe it. I want to wake up and find this to be a scary and fucking twisted nightmare but I know that's not going to happen. This is real.

A knock on the door signals Luke Sawyer and his eyes linger on Ana and I see his pain… of course… he lost his wife only a few months ago.

"The Doctor who … pronounced has gathered the family in a side room." He says quietly. Grace nods and stands, I expect her to put the baby down but she doesn't.

"Stay with her Luke?" Grace asks and Luke nods before walking in and taking the seat beside the bed, I think Ana will be looked after with him, he's like family to her.

I follow Grace out the door and we go down to the nearest side room and find Elliot, Mia, Ryan, India, Carrick all sat down looking scared and unsure. Mia smiles at the baby but when she sees Grace's face she looks horrified, she knows now too.

I sit beside my husband and slip my arm into his. He rests his head on my shoulder, they know someone's dead and they know it isn't India.

"I must apologise for your loss, Mr Grey sadly passed away, he was pronounced dead on arrival."

Everyone's reaction is different. Mia gasps. Elliot tenses. Carrick's eyes close. Grace begins to shake once again and I rest my head on Elliot's arm.

"Mr Grey suffered a devastating injury when a glass plate severed his body, it kept him alive for a while but he eventually bled out, he died before he left the vehicle. Do you have any questions?"

"No thank you Doctor Moore we have it from here." Grace says.

"Again I'm very sorry for your loss." The doctor says near bowing before he hurries out of the room.

Mia's sobbing hysterically into Ryan. I hold tight to Elliot expecting him to cry but he isn't, he's just in shock I think. I can't believe this, it's New Year's day and we've lost someone so special, I may not have gotten on perfectly with him, we clashed, two very headstrong people but I adored him for how he loved Ana. He couldn't have loved Ana anymore if he tried.


	66. Chapter 66

**Wednesday 2nd January 2014**

**Luke's POV**

I can't leave Ana's room. I haven't moved from this chair only to stretch my legs since yesterday. Ana's gone mute, she woke up early hours of the morning and she's not said a word. Her eyes look dead, she looks dead other than her breathing and blinking and small movements every once in a while.

She stares at her son, none of us even know his name yet. She just stares at him. I wish I knew what was going on in her mind, what she was thinking.

I know how she's feeling. My wife was killed in a horrific car accident in August and my whole world crashed around me, I eventually tried to kill myself but the angel in the bed now looking like a ghost saved me, she bought me back to life again by showing me I had a reason to live, more than one reason and I wish I could do the same for her.

Everyone has been in to see her this morning and they've all tried to get her to talk. India has been in and she smiled and kissed her daughter but she didn't talk. It's actually frightening. I don't know if it has anything to do with the drugs they've given her. What I do know is that she's partially doped up and has been since she woke up, they said it's to keep her calm, it won't cure the heartache but it will make it easier. That was a shrink, I recognised her from my psych hold though neither of us mentioned it.

Grace has said Flynn will be coming by this afternoon, damn lot of good that will do. The only thing Ana really wants and probably needs right now is to go home, be in familiar surroundings and be given time to grieve but seeing as Grace has called Flynn, I've called Sandra Lee, she's been Ana's shrink since Fairfax and I know if anyone can get through to Ana it will be her.

"Does it always hurt this much?"

I blink and look at Ana, did she really just talk?

"It always hurts but the pain lessens." I admit, I won't fucking lie to her or she'll never forgive me.

"I feel like someone's put a knife through my heart." She says, a lone tear seeping through the corner of her eye. I lean forward and grab her hand, she's so lost and hurt right now and it hurts me, I hate seeing her hurt. "You should go home to Hannah."

"I need to be here with you."

"No you don't, someone else will sit with me." She says but I shake my head, I want to be here for now, she can send me away later but for now my place is right here.

Ana's breaths even out and I close my own eyes for a moment to try and not cry, she needs everyone to be strong for her who can right now and I'm one of those people.

"How is she?" I turn my head to see a red eyed Grace enter the room, I can't imagine her pain, she's just lost her son.

"She spoke, she asked if it would always hurt, said how much it hurt and told me to go but I told her I want to be here then she fell asleep."

"They'll keep her dosed up for a while, she's had issues with her blood pressure before so they're monitoring her, they won't let it get too high and I'm sure Flynn will prescribe something."

"I called Sandra Lee." I admit, I won't deny it.

"Oh even better, I didn't have her number. Thank you Luke, it's good to know someone has her best interest at heart." Grace says sincerely as she picks up the boy. "Has she said his name yet?" I shake my head, I know everyone wants to know but Ana hasn't spoken it. "Do you even know if they had one picked out?"

"I think so, but I don't know." I admit, I wish I did, it would make it easier, everyone refers to him as the baby and the boy, it's hard not having a name to call him.

"Ana will tell us when she's ready." Grace says going over to Ana's side, I watch as she strokes her hand through Ana's hair, she looks distraught, even in sleep you can see Ana's pain. I know it so well, I know it's been shown on my face for months, I hate knowing how much pain she is in though also I welcome it, it means I can be supportive and understanding, more so than anyone else. "Ray wants to come and sit with her, I'm going to get the baby fed and changed. If she wakes just let her know so she's not panicking."

"Sure." I nod and Grace gives me a thin lipped smile before leaving with the baby in her arms.

Another place where I can understand Ana's feelings is where the baby is concerned, where India is Ana's duplicate the baby is Christian, I look at Hannah often and all I see is her Mother, it breaks my heart and heals it in one look, it's shocking how it works.

"Hello Sawyer." Ray says entering the room, the usual taciturn man has red rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks, I don't know his pain, I try to imagine it but I can't. Poor man, to see his daughter in so much pain. "How long has she been sleeping?" He asks slipping his hand into Ana's, it looks so small in his, so tiny, almost the way Hannah's looks in mine.

"Just ten minute or so. Grace has the baby."

"I know I saw them… he's a double of Christian."

"Yeah." I nod and in the silence I know we're both wondering what that means for Ana.

"Have you eaten? Ana wouldn't want you starving."

"I've eaten." I reassure. The nurses kindly bought me food and drink all night when they checked on Ana, they've been angels to us.

"What about your daughter, have you checked in with her?" Ray asks gruffly, I guess almost losing Ana has done something to him.

"I called, she's fine. They all are, India too though she's asking for Ana and Christian."

"How is she supposed to explain to that little girl?" Ray asks before I see his shoulders shaking with wracked sobs. "Ana was only a day old when she lost her father, I was on the scene before she was out of diapers, she only has memories of me. India knows something, she's a child with instinct just like her Mom… how is she…" He can't finish the sentence as he sobs.

"Daddy?" Ana asks waking up, Ray is quick to try and hide his tears but Ana sees them, her arm reaches up and wipes away his tears and it breaks my heart, only Ana would be in emotional hell and still give a shit about caring for others.

"I'm sorry Annie, your old man getting a bit emotional in his old age." Ray jokes and I catch Ana cracking a weak smile, I'm pleased Ray has managed to bring a tiny snippet of a smile to her face.

"Daddy I want to see him." Ana says, both of us are taken aback, we weren't expecting that at all.

"Baby that might not be a good idea, you don't want to remember him like that."

"Right now all I remember is him shivering in that car Daddy, he was dying… he knew he was dying that's why he kept telling me he loved me. I need to see him, just one more time." Tears shine in her eyes and my heart shatters, at least I got to hold Hannah's hand while she died, I got to hold her until the machines were off and Hannah slipped away. Ana didn't get that.

"Ok, I'll go see what I can do." Ray says before kissing Ana's head and heading out.

"Luke does the media know?" Ana asks as soon as Ray's out.

"Yeah." I nod, Grey's House had to release a statement quickly. "Ros wants to see you, she asked if we'd ask you."

"Of course, I'd like too." She nods, I don't think she would like to but knows that Ros must be hurt.

"What happens to Grey's House and the business now? With Christian… dead… won't investors be pulling the plug left right and centre?"

"I don't know, you'll have to ask Ros that." I say realising that Ana's now trying to think of everything but the pain. She goes back to being quiet and she blinks, then she's gone. Once more in front of me is the ghost of Anastasia Grey sitting in bed looking dead. It fucking kills me inside.

When Ray comes back he's with Grace and the baby. Ana's arms instantly reach out for her son and Grace hands him over. Her sapphire eyes look down into the grey orbs of her boy and I see her beginning to shake, I know what she's feeling, I know what's going through her mind.

I gently push past Grace and sit on the bed leaning into Ana as she sobs mutely. I sit on the edge of the bed and take her hand, no one but Ana needs to hear this.

"I know right now, you feel like the worst Mom in the world, you're scared you won't love your son because he looks like his Dad but you will, it will take time for you to see through the pain but you will and you'll be a great Mom and love him just like you love India. I promise Ana, listen to me because I know." I tell her quietly, I hope neither Ray nor Grace hear but if they have, ah well, they deserve to know someone really understands. I went so far as to try and kill myself because I thought Hannah would be better off without me, now I realise how wrong and selfish I was.

"Doctor Trevelyan?" We all look up the young intern at the door, he looks nervous, I would be too if my patient was Ana Grey and he had the entire Grey family hanging around.

"Yes Parker what is it?"

"They've given the go ahead, would you like me to get a wheelchair?"

"No, I'll do it. Ana they're letting you see him, you'll have to go in a chair ok?"

"Sure." She nods and just from this news alone there's some spark in her eye, is it of hope, gratefulness?

Grace slips out of the room and Ana grazes her finger down the baby's head and cheek, he's so content in her arms, it's beautiful to witness considering his traumatic entrance into the world.

"Does he have a name Ana?" I ask and her sad blue eyes meet mine.

"Would Christian be mad if I didn't name him after his grandfather anymore?" She asks innocently, I can't answer that.

"Why? What would you change it to?"

"I want him named after his father." She says and I smile.

"He wouldn't be mad." I reassure and she cracks a thin smile back to me.

"Then his name is James." She says and I frown confused until she laughs weakly, a moment for her to feel anything but dread and pain, just a flicker. "James Christian Grey." She explains and I see that pain return to her eyes.

Grace comes in with a wheelchair and Ana hands the baby over to Ray who proudly looks down at his grandson, James Christian Grey. It has a nice ring to it actually.

I help Ana into a robe that Grace had before settling her down in the wheelchair. She reaches back for James and Ray hands him over.

"Luke… would you stay with me?" She whispers and I nod, I think she needs understanding right now, I think that's why she wants me with her.

Ray stays behind while Grace walks beside me wheeling Ana. We take the elevator down to the basement and to the morgue. It's quite a journey from Ana's room but Ana doesn't seem bothered, I actually believe that she would like this journey to go on forever.

We enter the morgue and a woman in the lab coat gives us a thin lipped smile. We can see the body in front of us, covered by a blue sheet. Ana's knuckles turn white on the side of the wheelchair and I really feel for her, my heart hurts. I never had to see Hannah like this, she was breathing up until that last moment and we left before she was even cold.

"Please." Ana whimpers, I glance behind and see Ray is outside holding James again, I'm glad he hasn't come in here and that Ana handed him over in the elevator, changing her mind about holding him here.

The sheet is drawn back and Christian Grey's near white face is bought into view. Ana chokes on a sob. Grace turns around squeezing her eyes shut. Slowly, Ana leans forward, from the chair she's face level with him. I watch as she runs her fingers through his copper hair, her eyes shut in anguish.

"Christian." Her voice is near none existent, cracking through the sob she's holding back. "My Christian." She whispers leaning forward and kissing his cheek. "Why did you have to die?"

I swallow hard, I asked this question so much when Hannah was on the life support machine, the why, it never gets answered.

"I love you, I'll always love you, my heart died with you Christian but I promise I'll be here always for the kids, I'll do my best for them, and they'll know all about you, my hero." She whispers so quietly if it wasn't for the echo of the room I wouldn't hear. Grace is shaking beside me and I wrap an arm around her and pull her into me, scared she won't be able to hold her own body up much longer. "James looks just like you, you're right, he is the most beautiful boy in the world. I hope you don't mind that I changed his name, but he should always have a part of you with him." Her voice cracks every other word or so, I know she's struggling but it's like she needs to get all this out, I said the same to Hannah, we'd planned on calling our daughter Anna, after Anastasia but I believed she should have a piece of her Mom and went with Hannah Anastasia.

"I'm so sorry." She whispers before struggling to her feet and Grace reacts going to hold around her and help her stand. She leans forward and kisses his lips. "I'm so sorry."

She collapses back in her chair and a heart-wrenching sob escapes her throat. Grace nods to the other doctor and grabs Ana's chair while Christian's body is covered once again.

Once Ana's back in her room she's doped up once more, I don't know if it's being cruel to be kind or what, doping her up takes away her emotions, it's what's making her catatonic but thinking about it, when Hannah died I wish there was someone who could take my pain away like this for the first few hours.

When Ana's asleep and baby James too, I slip out of the room to find myself a coffee. One of the nurses points me into a family room and says she'll bring me one, they've been nothing but kind and generous. I notice the TV is on and it's the news. I know Ana and Christian are all over it but I can't resist in turning up.

"The details surrounding Mr Grey's sudden death are starting to emerge, we will be going into graphic detail and viewer discretion is advised." The news report says before there's an aerial view of the crash.

"Mr Grey the business mogul, his heavily pregnant wife Ana a superstar and their one year old daughter were travelling home from New Year Celebrations when they were hit from behind by a drunk driver. Their Audi A8 was pushed forward violently, the front end of the car smashed into the back of the HGV in front of them. Shattering the front windows and disintegrating the front of the car. While Mr and Mrs Grey were thrown back, lose glass panes from the back of the HGV plummeted forward, these are specially made glass, thin but strong as the company itself advertises. One fell at such and angle at a high speed through Mr Grey's body, severing him from the waist down."

I flinch at the graphic cartoon recreation of the glass pane slipping from the HGV in front. If it had been a car, or a secure lorry this wouldn't have happened. It just happened to be a lorry carrying a high tower of glass panes used in buildings such as Escala and Grey's House, Christian had no hope and if Ana had driven… she nor James wouldn't be here to tell the tale…

"Mr Grey was witnessed talking to his wife all the while being severed in half, his spinal cord would have been broken and he would have been numb, the glass pane kept him alive until his wife was gone to hospital and the drugs in his system helped to stop his suffering. It is unclear at this time whether Ana knew of her husband's fate in the car but we do know she's doing well with only minor injuries and her newborn son is too just fine. I'm sure you'd all like to join me in sending them love at this very difficult time."

As they go back to the studio and a question session begins the nurse comes in with a coffee and a sandwich.

"Don't believe everything you hear." She says with a friendly smile.

"I was there." I tell her, shocking her. "I know what's true and what's not."

I know that what the news has just reported was true, the car behind Christian, the one who cut Taylor off was drunk, he has been arrested and will be charged. The driver of the HGV is also being charged because his load, if secure, shouldn't have fallen like it did, and if it had been secured… well he'd be alive.

I realise now that I can't do this anymore. The pain is unbearable. When Ana's on her feet, getting her life back I'm going to go, just me and Hannah, so far away from here. My daughter doesn't need to grow up around this heartache and I don't need to be around it anymore either. I won't abandon Ana, I just couldn't abandon her but when she's healing, when the grieving is in its last stage, I'll go just me and my baby girl.


	67. Chapter 67

**Thursday 3rd January 2014**

**Gail's POV**

Ana's coming home today with the baby, James Christian Grey. It's time for me to get my act together, pull up my big girl pants and be ready to help Ana. I've been managing ok, I've cried a lot and being alone with Carrie didn't help, she's upset too but she didn't know Christian liked I did, I remember him before Ana and how much that young woman changed his life.

I've cried a lot these past few days, I feel like I've lost my son. When I saw the accident scene it was heart breaking and Luke had to drive us away after they started to cover up Mr Grey's body. I saw them doing that and no one needed to tell me that he had died, I knew.

The kids have kept me occupied though. Carrie and I have been with India, Zach and Hannah trying to be as normal as I could but every time India asked for Christian it would be like someone punching me in the gut.

"They're here." Carrie says stepping into the living room.

"Let's not crowd her when she comes in. I'll switch on the kettle." I say thinking that all Ana will want is a hot cup of tea and to curl up on the couch.

I hear the door open and Carrie greet Ana. I don't hear her voice though. Jason did say she was barely talking, only speaking a few words every now and again otherwise she looks like a ghost. Poor girl. I can't imagine being in her position, the only person who really can is Luke. He understands her pain completely and I can't imagine that being easy for him.

"Hello Ana." I smile as she steps into the kitchen, the little baby boy in her arms. Oh I see what Jason meant now, he really is a baby version of Christian.

"Hi." She says quietly.

"Sit down, I'm making you a cup of tea." I tell her and she flashes me a small, timid grateful smile though I know it takes a lot of strength for her to manage it.

"Actually I just want to lie down, could you bring it up for me please?" She manages quietly and I give her a sympathetic smile and a nod and she heads out with the baby boy in her arms.

"That poor girl." I say when Jason enters the room, he collected her from the hospital as per her wishes. She asked everyone to leave her alone to settle at home, I think, so far, her wishes are being kept but I don't think it will last long, they won't let herself cut off.

"I know. Sandra Lee is coming round later. She, John Flynn and Grace have decided for now to keep her on some anti-anxiety medication, just till she is emotionally ready to face this, it probably won't be till after the funeral." He strokes his stubbly chin thoughtfully. "They think it's the only way she'll get through it."

"How is she otherwise?" I ask handing him a coffee before putting Ana's tea on a tray.

"I think she's honestly in such a state of shock she doesn't know what to do or say, I think her mind is going crazy and she can't organise her thoughts, that's why she's quiet and not talking, she doesn't know how to react or behave, I also think she's scared that people worry about her when they're grieving too and is scared they'll drop her back in that hospital. We just have to be here for her if she wants us to be." Taylor replies, all I can do is nod.

"I'm going to take this upstairs to her." I say and Jason nods before slumping on the stool.

Upstairs I found Ana sitting in bed with her computer, beside her, cocooned by pillows is that beautiful son of hers. She's not even looking at him but he is sleeping peacefully.

"Here you go Ana."

"Thanks." She says her eyes not leaving the screen. As I lift up from putting the tea on the side table I catch what she's watching, a slide show of pictures of herself, Christian and India.

I sit down on the edge of the bed and run my hand through her hair, she leans into my touch, accepting my comfort. I see her eyes squeeze shut and her body begin to shake and I'm quick to move the laptop from her and cuddle her close to my chest. She clings to me tight and sobs harshly, I think this may be one of the few times she's really let her go like this.

I rock her gently, it's all I can do right now. I won't tell her to calm down, or shush or anything like it. I will just hold her.

"Why? Why, why why?" She sobs. Oh I wish I could answer her. "It's not fair!" She screams into my chest as she cries. I agree, it really isn't fair. Mr Grey was a good man, Ana's a good woman, why do they have to have this fate?

I kiss the side of her head and continue to rock her. I hear the door go and I turn to see three people entering the room, Ana's saviours maybe? John Flynn, Sandra Lee and Grace Trevelyan all coming to help.

Sandra sets a bag at the end of the bed and begins rooting through it, John just watches while Grace comes over and holds around both Ana and me while she continues to sob hysterically. No one told me about her crying, just being catatonic. I wasn't prepared for this.

Sandra comes over and Grace shifts to give her view. She wipes an antibacterial wipe across Ana's inner elbow and then I see the needle in her arm. Oh poor Ana, is this her life now? For how long? Is this the alternative to the hospital? Drugging her up at home?"

Ana continues to sob long after the drugs have been administered, I expected her to just quieten at once but I was wrong. I sense her getting tired in my arms but I guess she's fighting the effects of the drugs. Eventually though, she does pass out, and John, Sandra and Grace all help to lay Ana down and tuck a blanket around her.

"What about James?" I ask looking at the peaceful baby beside Ana, I don't know about leaving him on the bed.

"I'll get the moses basket and bring it in here. The intercom system works as a baby monitor doesn't it?"

"Yes." I nod in reply to Grace, I'm glad she knows, I'm too stunned about what I've witnessed to be able to do or say anything. Grace swallows and heads out, I've never seen her this way. She's dressed in a simple knit sweater and jeans with trainers. I've always seen her so put together, not like this, I understand I mean she's just lost her son but it's still hard to comprehend sometimes.

"She'll sleep for around five hours." Sandra Lee says looking down at Ana's sleeping body, it's horrible to see the pain on her face even in her drug induced sleep, there are tear tracks on her cheeks, around her eyes are red raw.

"Why does she have to be sedated? Isn't crying cathartic?" I ask looking from one shrink to the other as I sit beside Ana and tidy her hair up with my fingers.

"Crying is, being hysterical isn't, she's just had a baby too." John says quietly and I nod trying to understand.

"How long she going to be like this, Jason said that she has only a few coherent minutes every day scattered around, otherwise she's catatonic or talking little sense, mumbling almost incoherently." I say having the need in me to know, I've just lost one of my employers, a member of my family, I need to know how not to lose another.

"That would be her brain's way of trying to make sense of things. When she's not sedated we're keeping her on some medication to stop her raising her blood pressure to much, when she has something she needs to know she'll ask it but the mumbling is her trying to make sense of something out loud. If you do catch something she says please write it down, we're trying to figure out what she's thinking about." Sandra explains, I give her a nod, glad for the explanation.

Grace comes in with the basket and John is quick to help her set it up and get James settled.

"I have his routine written down, Ana's not really sure of anything but she does feed him and cuddle him, she's changed him a few times. It's just letting her do it when she wants, sometimes she can barely lift her head when he cries."

"Ok." I say quietly to Grace. "Come on, I'll make you all a cup of tea, it looks like you need one."


	68. Chapter 68

**I had a belief that no one really read AN's and I never really know what to say so I'll say this**

**7 to go…**

**Friday 4th January 2014**

**John Flynn's POV**

I feel almost repulsed at what I'm doing. How can it be possible that this is morally right? Maybe it isn't? I don't know anymore, I'm so confused maybe it's time for me to use the money Christian gave me over the years and see someone to offload on myself.

Seeing Ana in this state is hard, especially considering we're all in a stage of mourning. We're keeping her constantly drugged because it's the only way she'll get through each day without causing her body some major damage.

We have got some kind of system going though, with the drugs I mean. If she becomes upset, we let her cry, it's good for her to cry, she's grieving and that's normal. However, it's when she becomes hysterical that we have to be careful. Her body temperature and blood pressure sky rocket and with her body exhausted after the crash and giving birth it's very dangerous right now. She has history of problems with her blood pressure too and our job, mine and Sandra's, is to make sure that it doesn't happen.

We sedate her when she's hysterical to the point she's going to black out, it's the safest option we have. When she's not sedated we inject her with an anti-anxiety medication, it keeps her from being jittery and she doesn't upset as easily. It allows her to function more than she would without them. And at night, it's when I feel the worst, because we sedate her again but with stronger stuff that knocks her out for ten to fourteen hours. But with no one here really to take care of her and inject her with the anti-anxieties during the night it's a necessary evil.

Jason and Gail have been amazing to her thought. They've moved into the main house for the time being and along with Carrie they're managing to help with the kids. I'm hoping soon though for Ana to being opening up, either to me or to Sandra.

I understand if she chooses to open up to Sandra, she's an amazing Psychiatrist and not only that she's also become Ana's friend and confidant over the past couple of years since Ana's Mother died. Just like I was to Christian, his advisor, his friend, his shrink, his conscience. That's why Sandra thinks maybe Ana will open up to me, because if anyone knew inside of Christian's head as well as she did it was me, I don't know about that. There are something's I think I'll never truly understand about Christian that Ana just gets. Got.

Speaking about him in the past tense is hard, that's how I know it hasn't really hit me that he's gone. I want to wake up tomorrow and find out this was some twisted nightmare but I know that's not happening.

It's been a tough few days and it's going to continue being tough. The funeral is just two days away and the media are blowing up a storm about the Grey's announcing that it will be a family and close friend, by invitation only service. Elliot thought has gone out of his way, he understands how many people want to say goodbye to Christian, people from his charities, people from his businesses, just the public in general the family's fans. It's because of this he has gone out of his way to have a memorial service in the Cathedral after the burial. So everyone gets to say goodbye.

"John can we talk?" Ana asks stepping into the living room.

I look her up and down. For a woman who's just had a baby she doesn't look it, the weight has fallen off her in the past four days, she's grey and sick looking. Her eyes are sunken, red rimmed and cold. Her body language screams defeat!

She's only just come out of the bath. Grace has been bathing her every day. I don't know what it is about Ana and Grace, there's an indescribable bound between them, one where Ana is comfortable sitting in the bath with Grace bathing her naked body, one where Grace doesn't feel any shame in washing and caring for a twenty four year old woman naked in the bath tub. I wish I could sit and talk to Grace but whenever I approach the subject she cuts me off, she won't let me in to her head and I know now is not the right time to talk to Ana about it.

"Of course." I nod after an uncomfortable pregnant pause. Ana shifts from one foot to the other, pulling her robe tighter around her body as she tries to decide her next move. After a few seconds she decides to sit down in the arm chair closest to the fire, with it being cold outside it's been kept lovely and warm in the house, especially in this room. "What would you like to talk about?" I ask encouraging Ana I hope to open up.

"India." She says completely taking me by surprise, I have no idea what it is she wants to talk about India but I'll take her lead.

"Ok." I nod hoping once more to encourage her.

"Has… has anyone spoken to her… when I've been in bed?" She asks, this question is so vague because Ana has spent most of her time in bed curled up in Christian's shirts and pillow.

"Spoken to her about what?"

"Him." She whispers as if it's a secret, I guess saying his name is too hard right now, she wants to talk and for that she needs to be strong. Saying his name, breaking down, that will make her less strong and so she won't get the talk she wants, I understand her logic.

"You want to know if someone has spoken to India about what's happened?" I ask to clarify, all Ana does is nod and cast a glance towards the door. She is either scared of someone coming but by the way she's sat, right on the edge of the chair, I think it's her fight or flight instinct kicking in and flight is winning. "I don't believe so no." I reply, I actually have no idea.

"She keeps asking me for him." Ana says quietly. "I don't know what to tell her. How do I tell a fifteen month old child that her Daddy's never coming back?" Her voice rises in pitch but not in volume, her distress audible to my ears.

"Well at fifteen months India's concept of death is zero Ana." I reply sadly, I wish I could tell her something more. "She isn't really calling for Dad in the way you or I would or Zachary, she is making a sound that she knows usually has Christian coming towards her. At fifteen months, she doesn't have any understanding of forever or gone, all you can do is wait, she'll eventually stop calling for him, when she realises calling for him doesn't bring him to her but it will take a while…" She looks devastated. "I wish there was more I can give you."

"It's fine." She whispers before curling onto the chair like a cat and wrapping her arms around herself as if cold when I know this is the warmest room in the house.

"How are holding up?"

"Please don't shrink me." Her voice is just a desperate plea.

"I was asking as a friend. A concerned one at that." I say my hands up in mock surrender, she manages a weak smile and I smile back, I know at the moment there's drugs in her system but just these little flashes of the real Ana we all know and love keeps our hopes alive.

"I'm… as expected." She replies, giving nothing but everything away.

Expected, she's as expected. In other words she's a broken mess inside but is putting on a mask for the world. I watch as she gets up from the chair and drags herself over to the stereo player in the corner of the room, it's an obnoxious thing, hidden inside a cupboard.

Ana grabs something and I watch with some fascination as she connects wires, I am not good with modern technology, I understand my iPad and the iPod that I have and my cell phone is a blackberry, other than that I have no idea what the hell to do with anything, a real technophobe.

Music fills the room within seconds and a soft relaxing look washes over Anastasia's face. I watch as she turns the music down and takes a moment to just listen. It's a privilege to see but I almost feel like a voyeur in what is obviously a very private moment.

The lyrics come on and I realise it's a love song, I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing that Ana's listening to romantic songs.

_Our love is unconditional_

_We knew it from the start_

_I see it in your eyes_

_You can feel it from my hear_

_From here on after_

_Let's stay the way we are right now_

_And share all the love and laughter_

_Our lifetime will allow_

My eyes fall from Anastasia to the photograph hanging up on the wall, Ana and Christian looking so happy on their wedding day. That's the moment when I realise where I heard this song before.

"I cross my heart, and promise to, give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true. In all the world you'll never find, a love as true as mine." Ana sings quietly before turning to face me. "It all seems so insignificant now." She says as the song plays quietly, forgotten in the moment.

"Why?" I ask, intrigue definitely kicking in though I know I can't be impartial here, that's probably the biggest problem, it hurts me so much that Christian is gone too.

"What does any of this matter now?" She asks louder, her hand signalling the open air. "Everything we did, everything we built in the blink of an eye has been taken."

"Do you think that?" I'm surprised to hear her like this, but it's good, she's getting some of this stuff she's bottled up inside and that can only stop her from popping like a cork from a champagne bottle.

"Our wedding day was supposed to be the first day of forever." She says with tears filling her eyes but she blinks them away harshly before looking over to the picture. "This was forever? Three years was our forever? I promised him a lifetime, he promised me a lifetime and that… until death do us part is three fucking years?" She's angry now, I see it flashing in her sapphire orbs and it's actually nice to see, because anger's good, it means she's not wallowing in self-pity when she's catatonic, it means she's really thinking about things.

"He didn't know that when he promised you forever." I say stepping slowly towards her, from experience with someone similar to Ana I know in her vulnerable situation she could lash out and I don't want to be on the receiving end of Ana, she trained a bit in self-defence and she may have given birth a few days ago but that won't stop her. "If you'd known? Would you have changed your mind? If you'd known then that all you'd have was until today? Would you have married him?"

She looks to the picture again and walks closer to it, I know she sees the love and happiness on both their faces. A hand clutches at her chest and I know she's showing me a physical malformation of her inner pain.

"Yes." I nearly miss it she speaks so quietly.

"And do you think the pain would be any less if you'd been prepared, if you knew on that day he would die?" I ask standing now right beside her. Innocent blue eyes turn to mine and she shakes her head before she falls forward into my chest, I saw it coming before she did and was prepared. I may not be as young as I used to be but I'm ok handling Ana hammering her little fists at my chest while she sobs harshly into my chest.

"It's ok Ana." I whisper getting a hold of her wrists in my hand. "It's ok to cry and be angry, it's ok." I say. She tightens her fists around my shirt, clinging to me like I'm her life jacket. I can only just hold her up when the door opens and Sandra comes in for the "shift change" we both have other patients to continue seeing so we're taking it in turns looking after Ana.

"Do I…" Sandra wasn't sure but I knew her question, I nodded, as much as I felt guilty keeping Ana drugged it was the only way she would make it through this week and with the revelation that had just come over her, the best thing for her was a couple of hours of dreamless sleep.


	69. Chapter 69

**AN: A lot of people have asked me to say something, I don't know what to say. I had a story line, I planned it and went with it. I'm going to answer some questions. My story is depressing for the next 5 chapters at the least, maybe even 6, for those of you who want to know how it ends, stick around if not, I don't mind. I'm not changing the storyline. **

**I'm sorry if some of you faithful from the beginning followers feel cheated but after 353 chapters, these are no longer the Ana and Christian from the novel, I mean come on look at them. Christian is about twenty five shades lighter while Ana is twenty five darker, even the playing fields some. I took that as creative license to do what I wanted with the characters I developed and I do. I do apologise if you feel cheated though, I mean Unwritten was started all the way back in July last year and that's what 8 whole months but you've dedicated that, I have too, this is how I want to end this story, the one who's poured blood sweat and tears over it, I have earned that right. When people called for Ana not to do the book tour, I scrapped the idea of writing it and started the sequel just after it...I won't do it with this. **

**If you want to stick around 6 to go…**

**Is Ana going to have an emotional breakdown and end up in Fairfax? **_No she isn't, just because she had depression with Carla's death doesn't mean she will this time. She didn't know death then, she knows it too well now. _

**Why is Ana being drugged up? **_Honestly? I don't know, lots of reasons, main one being if she wasn't she wouldn't just cry and make herself sick...she wouldn't be able to function. The drugs most of the time allow her to function if she wants, she chooses not to and that's what the catatonia is, Ana doesn't want to function at the moment. Honestly if it was me… they could keep me fucking sedated. _

**Does Ana recover? **_I'm not giving the game away but the last chapter will have all the answers_

**How can you write a FS story without Christian? **_Easy, I am not the first author to do it, I'm just the first to kill him off. I won't reveal my secrets but there is a sequel for those who want it, which is lighter than Written and Unwritten and could actually stand alone as a story if I wanted it to, so for any new readers who want to skip the angst they can also join in there._

**Admittedly got the dates muddled up, they're right in this chapter though!**

**6 to go… TILL THE END!**

**(For those who want it, there IS A SEQUEL!)**

**Monday 6th January 2014**

**Jason Taylor's POV**

Fuck sakes! I yell inside my head as I slam my fists down on the desk in front of me_. Fuck._ Everything is such a bastard mess. I don't know anything at the moment. I'm in the security suite in the house at the moment, trying to organise thirty men for tomorrow and I don't fucking know if I have enough.

Christian Grey's funeral is going to be a fucking worldwide event and the family don't want that, they don't fucking deserve that, the least I can do now is make sure they get their privacy… I couldn't save him…

Dropping my head into my hands I sigh heavily. I fucking should have been driving closer to them but I kept at a respectable distance because I had Hannah and Zachary in the car. Now Grey's dead.

Do I blame myself? No. It's not my fucking fault, it's the fault of the bastard drunk driver in his Porsche and the HGV driver who didn't secure his load. Could I have stopped his death… I don't fucking know.

I miss the bastard I really fucking do. He may have been a bit of a shit to work for sometimes but since Ana walked into his life we became such good friends. I glance at the wall where a picture of our trip to Greece hangs, that was one fucking amazing holiday. Grey mentioned doing it again, taking the kids along where they'd have a fucking blast...free to run around the near deserted Greek island, the three gardens. It was a plan he'd laid out and was planning on seeing through, maybe in the summer when James was older.

Fuck that little baby, his father's fucking spitting image. I can't look at that tiny little innocent baby without feeling the need to spew my fucking guts out. An innocent life changed in the blink of an eye. Grey was an amazing Dad to his little girl, he would love this boy so much and all it took was two irresponsible men to fucking end it all.

"Jason." I look up to see my beautiful wife with a mug of hot coffee in her hand for me. How she's still going I don't know, the woman isn't fucking sleeping right, neither of us are. Thank fuck Zach didn't see what we did, I'm still pleased Gail didn't have to see what I did. I close my eyes and the image of Christian sat in that car… it makes my eyes water and I don't fucking cry.

"Why don't you go and get your head down for a while angel?" I ask as she puts the mug down and sits on my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck and snuggling her head on my shoulder. I hold her tight, scared to let go.

"Ana's out again, Carrie's with the kids for now but I would rather be around." She replies and I close my eyes in disgust, they've been fucking keeping Ana all drugged up and it's doing my fucking head in. She doesn't need that in her right? I mean Ana's strong and Luke told me what she fucking said in the morgue, it didn't sound like a woman who was contemplating suicide to me.

"They need to fucking stop dosing her up, let the fucking woman feel."

"I don't think she wants to feel right now Jason." She sighs. "I wish I didn't have to."

"I know." I kiss her softly. I know she feels like she's lost her child. Me? I lost my best friend a few days ago, the man who knew all my secrets. When we went away, that was when we really talked, the ride back when there was no work, that's when I got to really know Grey and he really got to know me. A few beers to celebrate a successful trip and a fucking heart to heart, it was always the way, even before Ana. The fucking shit just got deeper when he met her.

"Do you think she's going to get through tomorrow?"

"She has the Grey's and us, she's going to be taken care of." I reply. I don't know how she's planning on getting through tomorrow. I know they've planned on having her on some drugs that will allow her to function while still keeping her completely zombified.

"Her mutterings are starting to make more sense." Gail whispers and I look surprised. Everyone's been talking about Ana muttering when they're sat with her and she's just lying there unmoving. I've only really seen her at her best, I keep away when she's not because I'm scared it will break me.

"What is she saying?"

"Something about an ambulance and being happy and Christian. It sounds crazy but she says Christian met her in the ambulance, and told her she'd be happy again and that James was the most beautiful little boy in the whole world. I don't know but...that's what it's starting to come across as."

"She said that." I say my brow furrowing. "She said it to Katherine, that's how Ana knew he was dead, she said when she flat lined in the ambulance she spoke with Christian."

"Do you think it's possible?" Gail asks looking shocked.

"I don't fucking know." I say scratching my chin thoughtfully, it's fucking possible right? I mean she died, he died they met in the light and spoke and she came back when he couldn't.

"I hope it's true… and even if it's not, she believes it." Gail says pushing herself off my lap, I miss her warmth and comfort at once. "Go see her Taylor, I think she's missing you."

"I don't know what to say to her."

"How about telling her at last what he said to you. He wouldn't tell her properly because he didn't want her to know that as soon as she left him he was going to die. He asked you to give her a message."

"I don't want to hurt her." I say sounding like a kid, I mean come on...how do you tell someone their loved ones last wishes? Especially what fucking Grey said! Even on his death bed a comical son of a bitch (no disrespect to Grace that woman is a saint!).

"I think she'd hurt more finding about it later on down the road." Gail says before leaving me. She's fucking right as always.

I sit back in my chair with my coffee and sigh. I knew he was dead as soon as I saw him. I've seen that shit before out in Iraq, it wasn't something I ever thought I'd see working CPP in Seattle though, but life has its own fucking ways.

When the Paramedics arrived they took one look and they knew. I was pulled to one side. Ana was out cold and Luke was trying to get her to respond. They told Christian the news. I saw every single emotion play out across his face. The one I didn't see though was fear… he didn't fear death.

I was called back over and Christian looked at me, he knew that he didn't need to tell me what he had been told. He requested a sheet so Ana couldn't see when she came round, he didn't want her last images of him to be of his legs and waist separated.

"_Jason, I need you to do something for me."_

"_What is it?" I ask leaning towards him. I know he's worrying about Ana and India, she's screaming but he looks like a desperate dying man, who am I to reject him?_

"_When I'm… gone." He swallows hard and takes a shaky breath. I don't know if he's in pain or what but he's not fucking showing it. "Make sure you tell Ana, that if I could I'd be there with her through everything, but because I can't…" Tears fill his eyes and he reaches his hand up and I clasp it in my own as if we're about to arm wrestle. "… I hate the thought of her with any other man." He grimaces and so do I. He's not going to fucking tell me to tell her that she can never be with anyone is he? Sick fuck, wouldn't surprise me a damn bit. _

"_Go on." I encourage knowing Ana will probably come round soon, it's shock that's knocked her out cold. _

"_She's twenty four, she'll have two kids to take care of. If she meets someone, make sure to check him out, make sure he's a good man. If he's going to be the man being a father to my kids, he should be a good man… Ana deserves good…" How the fuck I'm not crying I don't know. This isn't Christian Grey, this is a desperate man worrying about his wife and children. "Tell her she's free from me to love and be happy with whoever she wants." He sucks in a harsh breath. "She needs to know she can be happy again."_

"_Tell her when she wakes."_

"_I can't, she can't know I'm about to die." _

"_Ok." I nod. "I will Christian, she'll be fine."_

"_Take care of her Taylor or I'll fucking haunt you." We both laugh awkwardly. I know he fucking means it too. _

He wants me to tell her she can be happy. Isn't it a bit soon to be telling her that on his death bed Christian was thinking about her having a future with another man? That's got to be some joke right?

I won't tell her now, but it doesn't mean I won't tell her ever. Just right now...she doesn't need to know.

I look back at the plans on my desk. Somehow I have to have all these men ready for tomorrow while Luke and I will be occupied with the boss' coffin. We've been asked along with Carrick, Elliot, Ethan and Flynn, it's who was agreed on. Mia almost threw a fit when she found out the Kavanagh boy would be doing it and not Ryan but Ryan and Christian would always have issues because of the way the bastard was with Ana when she was in New York… I actually wish I'd bust his balls.

It's going to be a fucking nightmare day tomorrow. I don't know how any of us plan on getting through it. Elliot came through yesterday with black sunglasses and said we were wearing them, he didn't want the vultures to see our tears. He even had Mia and Kate flank Ana and by the looks of things everyone is going to wear sunglasses from outside the church into the church and back out to the graveyard, some fake semblance of privacy.

Elliot and Mia are the only two going to the memorial service, though we have arranged for the security to go to there too. I have a few guys to take the two down there and bring them back later on. The wake is being held in Bellevue with close friends and family only. We're just worried about fucking helicopters from the news channels causing a disturbance. We have sent letters asking that the press remain a respectful distance and keep from the skies near where Christian will be buried in the private lot he bought where Ana's Mom is buried and from Bellevue but we don't mind (we fucking do but give and take, win some lose some) them being above the Church.

I don't know how tomorrow is going to play out, what I do know and expect are mourners on the street, press for once behaving themselves and a fucking ache in my chest all day as I grieve for a friend, gone but never forgotten.

**If you have a question, please submit it in with your review, I can't answer them all but I will answer the most common asked and so on!**


	70. Chapter 70

**AN: For those who still want more…**

**Is there going to be a reading of the will? **_Of course, that's a couple of chapters away!_

**Is she inheriting GEH? **_Wait for the will chapter and you can find out_

**Why did Ros want to talk to Ana? **_Simply because she was Christian's friend and wanted to see how his wife was doing after something so terrible, not a big point to the story there just something I threw in because I believe Ros would be someone who would visit Ana in hospital especially after CG's death_

**Did you plan on killing CG all along? **_No. After a hiatus from the story because of boredom the idea to have this event happen in the story happened while sitting on my friends' bed eating chocolate biscuits and drinking coke, I like to bounce ideas about and this what came of it. It was about a week and a half ago._

**When is the sequel coming up? **_There's five chapters of this left then I'll upload the first 3 chapters before taking a break to focus on my other three stories, I would like to finish one of them off soon!_

**5 to go… TILL THE END!**

**(For those who want it, there IS A SEQUEL!)**

**Tuesday 7th January 2014**

**Elliot's POV**

This is so fucked up. It's Christian's funeral today. The whole world has gone mad, there are reports all outside the gate of Ana's home, there's some already outside the church and even some as close to the graveyard as they can get. Admittedly, there are some also outside Mom and Dad's with the wake and some outside mine and Kate's, they saw us leaving this morning.

It's hard. I shouldn't have to be burying my baby brother. Mom and Dad shouldn't have to bury their son. Ana's sitting in the corner on the arm chair with India on one knee and James in her arms. It's so wrong on every level. I'd let him fucking announce to the world that he calls me Lelliot just to hear his voice again… I'd give anything to hear him call me Lelliot again…

Ana needs a medal, how she's managed to help us put this funeral together I don't know but she has. She helped with everything from the comfort of her bed… I don't even know how she's picking her head off the pillow half the time.

They're all talking about the drugs in her system, helping her get through the day. They're making her numb. I don't agree with it but Ana apparently does. For now it allows her to just get up in the morning. Dad says Mom won't allow it after the reading of the will, once that is out the way then it will be time for Ana to start coping… I know it's harsh in some ways but I do understand Mom's point.

Mom's been a bit of a wreck herself, she's just lost her son and every time they've knocked Ana out cold Mom's been hysterical herself… to the point John almost sedated her too. I can't imagine losing your child. Just watching Kate with Caleb I feel this indescribable love and if anything happened to either of them… I'd be throwing myself of the Floating Bride.

"It's time to go." Dad says coming into the room, I can see his eyes red with tears. The only other time I saw Dad cry was Mia's wedding, the man just doesn't cry but this… this is killing him inside.

Ana, Kate and Gail kiss their kids goodbye. I can't make it over to Caleb to do it but I'll see him when we get back. It was Mom's idea not to bring the children, a funeral is no place for a child but also we wouldn't exactly be watching them. So Carrie is staying here with them and a car will pick them up to take them to Mom and Dad's for the wake.

I watch as Ana walks over to the fire place. Picture of the past three years are scattered in no order at all. Ana and Christian loved taking photos and capturing their memories, it's nice to see actually seeing as Christian always appeared camera shy growing up.

I watch Ana push herself to tip toes and reach for a frame, she's struggling, shit I'll help.

"Which one are you trying to get?" I ask and her pain filled blue eyes turn to meet mine, I blink and look back at the pictures, seeing her pain is like a knife in the chest.

"The one of us laughing." She says looking back up.

I see the one, it's of Ana and Christian lying down, Ana's hair is fanned out, it's obvious Christian is taking the picture and holding the camera up by his arm, he's smiling broadly, a trace of stumble on his jaw , his forehead is resting on Ana's temple and she's laughing. I can tell she's wearing Christian's shirt and he's bare chested. They're glowing. Shit, I've just realised this Photo must have been taken not long after they had sex…

"Here." I hand Ana the frame and she pulls it straight into her chest and manages a thin lipped smile in thanks. I wrap an arm around her shoulders and hold her close to me, I know Kate won't mind that today my sister needs me.

We slowly make our way outside, everyone is quiet, even the vultures at the end of the drive are mute though we all can hear a camera go every now and again, and feel the flash even from the distance.

Christian's coffin is in a secured hearse. Ana had planned on a horse drawn carriage but a word with Taylor had her changing her mind, there is six security personnel all in black from their shirts, ties and jackets to sunglasses all surrounding the hearse.

Ana steps away from me and I just watch as she goes to the hearse and rests her hand on the glass. The wind whips at her hair, her black dress coat is near floating behind her as she holds her hand to the glass box and looks at the coffin inside surrounded by flowers.

There are many wreaths, Son, Daddy, Christian, Love, Brother, Ana even went so much as to get a love heart and a helicopter made… don't know how much they cost but I know she wanted them made for Christian. The helicopter one in the colours of Charlie Tango has been placed right in the back window of the hearse for all to see.

"Are you ready?" Mom asks Ana as she wraps an arm around her shoulders. I know we have a lose time frame but it's flexible, if Ana doesn't want to leave yet then we won't leave.

A small nod from Ana and Mom leads her over to the first limo, so many people have flown in for Christian's funeral, people who Ana agreed should leave the house with the limos as well as the family. We have a string of limos all leaving the house for the funeral procession, Ana did have this crazy idea for us all to walk behind the hearse but Taylor explained that it wouldn't be practical security wise and it would be necessary to get the roads closed for longer, we've been lucky to get the roads lining the procession closed for just ten minutes as we pass!

Police have been bought in from all over Washington to help today. They expect all sorts and I even overheads Taylor mentioning assassination attempts towards Ana so he and Luke will be flanking her most of the day.

Mia, Ana, Myself, Mom and Dad, Ryan and Kate and Grandma are taking one limo together. It was a perfect fit which surprised us but it worked out perfectly. Behind us Ray, Marge, Taylor, Luke, Gail, Bob, Mr and Mrs Bentley are in the second, Ana made all the arrangements to have them flown in, then in the third limo, The woman who runs Ana's house in London and the woman who runs the apartment in New York with the rest of the close security team who I don't know.

There are a few other people who will be joining us at the funeral. Some of the higher ups from GEH and AG inc who actually knew and worked with Christian, John Flynn and his family, Sandra Lee, just a load of people Ana and Christian come into contact with regular.

Once the limos are on their way behind the hearse Ana slumps down in her seat clutching tight to the photo frame at her chest while her eyes hold on her wedding rings. Something tell me it will be a long long time if ever, for Ana to take those off.

The drive to Saint Thomas where the funeral will be held feels like it takes forever, the church is on the outskirts of Bellevue and Mom and Dad used to take us there when we were kids. Only makes sense that's where Christian chose to have his funerals.

A lot of the plans had already been made by Christian, from his casket to where his service was he'd done the arrangements and covered the costs but there was still so much to organise, the readings, the music, the flowers. Like I said earlier, Ana has been a champion, she chose the music, ordered the flowers while she left us to choose the readings she created a video slideshow of her husband that has footage from them pre-marriage all the way to Christmas just been. I've not seen it from start to end but Mia said while she was helping Ana look for footage she fell on a sex tape… yeah I could have gone a lifetime without knowing that Ana and Christian made a sex tape!

Everyone is so quiet, lost in their own thoughts. Ana and Mom the most, at least everyone else is chancing a look towards each other, Mia is already hysterical in Ryan's side. I hope she pulls it together for the poem she's going to read out, if not for our brother for his wife, Ana asked Mia and me to say a few words and I'm grateful she did that.

I've written a speech but I don't know how much of it I'll actually read, it seems so personal to let all these people have a glimpse at the man I knew as my brother, I'll say some stuff obviously, a lot of it is public knowledge and I know a lot of it will make Ana smile too… or maybe give her something to smile about.

Finally we turn into the of road parking lot and I notice Ana tense up on my right. I reach my hand over to her and grasps it gratefully, giving me a squeeze as if thanking me and checking if I'm alright all at once.

She nods encouragingly as the driver comes around to open our door and I give her a tense nod back before I reluctantly let go of her hand.

I notice we're the last out of the car even though we were the first arriving, the two limo's behind already empty. Taylor encourages the non-family inside along with Ray and his wife and so on, the only people who needs to be hanging around is Christian's close family and that's Mom, Mia, Ana, Kate and Grandma while the rest of us will be carrying the coffin.

Ryan has gone off inside, he and Christian never had the best of relationships and Ana and Mia spoke with Mom about the final pole bearer and they decided to ask Ethan Kavanagh, I understand why, even though he broke Mia's heart he was a good man and Christian might not have admitted it but he did like the kid that is my brother in law.

The drivers of the limo and the men who rode with Christian begin pulling the flowers out and taking them inside as sad organ music reaches my ears. I glance at Ana but her eyes are hooked on the coffin that holds her husband's body, I can't imagine her pain. I want to cry every time I think of the fact my baby brother's gone but one glance at Ana and I know my pain is incomparable.

"Ok Mr Grey Junior and Jason Taylor, if you'd like to stand furthest away from the car, you will be first walking inside the Church." I look at Taylor, we've been organised in height and Jason and I are near enough the same height and build. He gives me a firm nod and I give it back, this man was my brother's right arm. I catch him finger beneath his blacked out sunglasses and I blink, I think he was wiping a tear away. Shit, this is heavy and I have to blink to get rid of my own, Mia's a genius for this sunglasses idea.

"Ok Mr Grey Senior and Mr John Flynn, you will flank at the rear so that gives Mr Kavanagh and Luke Sawyer to be in the middle. We're going to bring the coffin out, keep it at waist height by the six handles and we'll lift together." The funeral director says, he's stood in a top hat with a long coat and a piece of paper in his hands with all the directions he needs on it.

Shit, this could all go so wrong I'm having visions of one of us dropping my brother's coffin, fuck he'd get a kick out of that. Ana is standing with Mom on one side and Kate on the other, Mia's just behind. They're all watching us as we get ready to bring out the coffin, we're just waiting for the rest of the flowers other than the grand display on the top to be taken inside. The last thing to go is a smiling picture of him from a magazine or other.

I look into the distance and I can see people stood with banners and balloons, loads of them are in black just watching, to the right of them are the worms of the media who are at the moment just watching. I hate knowing that there are news stations across the country filming this moment and broadcasting it to the world, it's fucking sick. But Christian knew, he knew there would be a big fuss and that's why he made arrangements and deals with the media years ago, before his fame doubled because of his wife.

The coffin is finally on the move, carefully from the back we bring it out, Taylor and I moving first followed by Luke and Ethan and then Dad and Flynn. Once we're out completely and have taken a couple of steps the funeral director comes in front of us and halts us.

"Together on three, one, two and lift." We all bring the coffin up and rest it on our shoulders. My cheek touches the wooden box and for a moment I close my eyes and feel my brother, his spirit or whatever. I just suddenly feel close to him again.

I tighten my grip on the handle, my gloved hand right near my cheek ready for the walk when the music finally changes.

Fuck it's depressing. Who the hell chooses something like this I mean Ana chose the music for Carla and it wasn't this depressing. The only explanation is that this song has some meaning and one glance at Ana to see a soft smile on her face I know it must have, I have to find out how this depressing piano piece has meaning for her and my brother… on second thoughts I might not want to know.

We walk naturally in sync towards the open door of the church, Reverend Walsh is there in his robes with a sad smile. He greets Mom, Mia, Kate and Ana in a stiff hug and then they stand to the side to allow us entry with Reverend Walsh in front of us. I almost is fitting that Reverend Walsh conduct this service, he was the man who confirmed Christian, Mia and I and he married us all too and now he's conducting the funeral. He baptised Mia but Christian and I were older when we came to Mom and Dad.

Shit I can't see for tears. I know somewhere behind us the woman walk but I am really struggling not to break down right now as I see all the mourners standing up as we walk. I tighten my grip further on the handle, I know beneath my gloves the skin of my knuckles have turned white.

At the front of the church we're directed how to bring the coffin down together and place it on the stand. Quickly the assistants of the director brings the flowers to place and rests a family portrait of Ana, India and Christian on the top.

We're then taken to our seats. Directed in which order to sit, Ana gets flanked by Taylor and Me, two men to support her should her legs not. The orders of service go out next, the song Ana chose is on a loop, I really wish she'd chosen something nicer even though I guess like before, this has some meaning and so it only makes sense to her why it's playing.

On the front of the order of service another smiling picture of Christian, it looks very recent actually.

In loving memory of Christian Trevelyan-Grey, reads the front page. Again Ana helped put this all together. Inside the two hymns that will be sung, a copy of one of the readings that will be read and a page of a picture of India, Christian and Ana just being themselves. It actually looks like they're having a tickle fight with India in the middle Ana and Christian either side and Ana sneakily taking the photograph with the camera in the air. This is the man we knew, this is the man the vultures outside didn't get to see or know.

"We are gathered here today to say farewell to our loving brother Christian." Reverend Walsh says which has brought all hushed whispers to nothing as everyone prepares to say their goodbyes.

Ana's hand finds mine and she squeezes it tight. I have to squeeze back. Just thinking about having to say goodbye to Christian hurts me so much, the pain is indescribable. He didn't deserve this, he was thirty years old, taken way to fucking soon. It angers me and if I could get my hands on the drunk driver and HGV driver I think I could get away with an insanity plea.

"If you'd all stand for the first hymn in your order of services. All things bright and beautiful."

We all stand and the organ begins to play, I can't believe my thoughts are in such a mess that I've missed near fifteen minutes of the service, I really need to focus… but I don't want to. Christian would hate this religious shit anyway.

"All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small, all things wise and wonderful, the lord God made them all."

I hear a choking sound from beside me and turn my head to see Ana with her head in her hands and her whole body shaking. Not caring about anything else but her I wrap my arm around her and pull her into my side. She looks up at me and my eyes nearly fall out of my head, she isn't crying or sobbing hysterically like I thought she was, with tears in her beautiful blue eyes there's also mischief and I realise she's laughing.

"Christian hated this song." She whispered. "Especially for funerals, he said that it was once such a beautiful song that spoke of such beginnings and then they went and spoiled it by overplaying it at funerals…" She giggles the entire time she's telling me this. "He said if anyone ever chose it for his funeral then he'd haunt the fuckers."

I start laughing right along with her and hug her tight as I do. Mom and Dad chose the hymns based on ones Christian had shown interest in as a child, I can see now that might have been a mistake. Ana giggles the whole way through the song as she hides her face in my side. I'm glad something today has made her smile, it's typical of Christian to say something like that and despite the looks coming in our direction I'm laughing too. He'd have wanted us to laugh anyhow, he often thought grief and mourning was for pussies…. His words.

After the song it seems the laughter Ana has had been zapped from her body and she curls into my crying. That hurts so much, to hear her weeping into my side for her husband, her name falling from her lips probably subconsciously.

"I would like to invite Mia and Elliot to say a few words."

Taylor pries Ana from me and she looks distraught, but with Taylor holding her to his side and Gail holding onto her hand over Taylor's lap I know she's being comforted. Mia's eyes are red raw and her handkerchief is sopping wet. I remove my sunglasses, I was the only one who hadn't but I didn't want anyone to be witness to my tears.

"I'm going to read a poem for Christian." Mia says quietly and I push her gently to the microphone so everyone can actually hear her. She turns her head away while she unfolds the paper and she coughs a little to clear her throat. "It's called Look for me in Rainbows."

"Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;  
Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.  
In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,  
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;  
Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.  
In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,  
Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.

It won't be forever, the day will come and then  
My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.

Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;  
Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.  
Every waking moment, and all your whole life through  
Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Just wish me to be near you,  
And I'll be there with you."

_Music and lyrics: Conn Bernard (1990). Vicki Brown_

An echoing cry reverberates from Ana's lips and it's all that's needed to set Mia and myself off. I hug my sister and we both try to compose ourselves before it's my turn to talk.

I unfold the paper with my speech written on it and I scan it. Who cares what I say and what I don't other than Christian himself.

"My baby brother." I say and realise my voice is dry and croaky. I cough to the side and then turn back. "The day he came home was supposed to be one of the best days of my life, I was getting a brother. Mom and Dad brought him home and I was convinced he didn't like me. He wouldn't look at me, he wouldn't talk. Mom had explained some people had hurt him but I don't think back then I realised the depth of his pain. Eventually we began to grow and we became almost friends but when Mom and Dad brought our baby sister home… Christian changed." I close my eyes briefly, remembering it all so vividly. "He loved Mia more than any other human being alive, just having her home changed him, he opened up and seemed a little happier. We grew to be best friends too, having Mia made him give me a chance to love him too…" I have to pinch the bridge of my nose to stop the tears falling, I want to get through this. I can't look in Ana's direction or Mom's, I know they're both sobbing because I hear them both, looking at them would hurt me even more.

"Over the years we did so much together but then as a teenager he changed again, he was always in trouble, fighting with other people and with me. I mean I learned how to really fight to defend myself against Christian." Murmurs of laughter make me smile weakly, he really was a brawler and thankfully I can throw a good punch because of that. "Then he changed again and he became distant but good, he stopped fighting and drinking. Whatever it was that Mom and Dad had done seemed to have worked a little. Then he went off to Harvard and he was doing well until he announced he was dropping out. Mom and Dad were furious, I thought he'd gone insane but that was when GEH was born, he started his business and we all know how that story goes." Again more laughter and I smile a little. "Who'd have thought a Harvard drop out would someday be a self-made billionaire? None of us believed it, not even when he made his first million did we actually believe Christian had done all this."

"Of course with his dedication to his work he lost contact with us, we only saw him on my parents anniversary and his birthday and that was only by force. It was hard those years, it was like he preferred being locked up in his ivory tower than with family, we didn't understand it."

"It wasn't until he met Anastasia that he changed again. The man who never went out unless he had to was suddenly spotted everywhere, showing off his beautiful woman. Who'd have thought that the man accused of being gay all these years was actually waiting for the one? Ana made him the man we knew and loved today, he was happy, caring, loving… I want to take this chance to say on behalf of everyone thank you Ana, for giving us his love." I look at her and she nods weakly and I smile reassuringly, we all do have her to thank. "He was an amazing business man, but he was an even better husband, brother, father, son and friend to many of us here. We'll miss you bro, more than I think you'd ever believe."

I step down and wrap my arm around Mia, burying my head for a moment in her shoulder to compose myself. I'll cry later in private not here in front of spectators. She rubs my back and we walk back to our seats. Ana stands up and hugs us both whispering thanks quietly, I know it meant a lot to her what I said and what Mia did too. I guess she's trying to tell us that.

Once sat back down she keeps her hand in mine as the video she made comes on against the wall via a projector. It's truly beautiful and goes to the song Perfect by Pink, she was panicking when she realised there was swearing in it and we were going to be in a church but I got the clean version for her.

There's pictures even from Christian's childhood, I wonder where she dug some of those up, pictures of me and Christian being stupid as adults snapped at family functions…. So many photos and videos. There's even a couple of videos with him turning the camera on himself and his voice floats around us, just little messages like "Ana I love baby." And "This is what happens at family functions, everyone gets so drunk and pronounces how much they love you, me stone cold sober, Love you Lelliot, Mia, Mom and Dad, Ana and the rest of you." A wink … fuck I don't ever remember seeing Christian wink.

We're all blubbering unashamedly by the end and Rev Walsh stands to complete the ceremony. It's now on to the burial and then Mia and I have duties at the memorial service. I can't fucking wait for this day to be over, I really can't. It has to be the worst day of my life, other than the day I was told my brother was dead.

**If you have a question, please submit it in with your review, I can't answer them all but I will answer the most common asked and so on!**


	71. Chapter 71

**AN: For those who still want more…**

**Is CG really dead? **_For those of you who still lack belief, YES, he's dead. I wasn't going to say anything and let you all have hope but now dousing the hope with this, yes Christian is really dead, it's not a dream or coma or anything he's dead and he was buried in the last chapter!_

**4 to go… TILL THE END!**

**(For those who want it, there IS A SEQUEL!)**

**Wednesday 8th January 2014**

**Mia's POV**

I still can't face the fact that he's gone. I'm spending all my time at Ana's house just hoping he'll walk out of his study or in through the front of the door or I'll hear him barking orders at Taylor but he's not, he's really gone and I can't handle it any other way than being here.

"Hey Mia." Ana gives me a tired smile as I walk into her bedroom, she hasn't said she minds me spending the days with her.

Ana's looking better today. She crashed at the wake to the point she was sedated again and carried to Christian's old room but as soon as she woke she demanded to be brought back here and Taylor was quick to oblige.

I think what's hard for all of us is looking at James. He's a double of Christian, so much so that we all almost call him Christian, I wouldn't be surprised if he's known as Christian when he's older, when Ana's better dealing with his death.

She's doing amazing, everyone expected her to break down completely but she's still somehow functioning. I stayed here in the guest room last night with Ryan and woke up to her making breakfast for India with James in her arms drinking his bottle held up by her chin. She has her moments but she's so strong most of the time, she really should be commended on that.

Though we all know her sleep is plagued by nightmares and the only sleep she's getting is from the drugs. I'm not surprised, John has suggested that she will be reliving the car crash over and over in her head for a long time, that the panic attacks will come sporadically for years but he also says that Ana functioning alone is a good thing, I mean she's doing better than me. I don't even want to get out of bed in the mornings and if it wasn't for Ryan making me I wouldn't be.

"What are you doing?" I ask climbing onto the bed beside Ana.

"I was watching the beneath your beautiful Christmas version again." She says shaking her head, the two did the video of them singing beneath your beautiful with a Christmas twist and the song wasn't as intense, just a simple guitar rather than an orchestra, it was amazing and gave a whole new meaning to the song.

"I was thinking maybe we could do something today." I say quietly, I'm worried she'll reject me.

"Like what?"

"Go to the park." I say with a smile.

"I don't know Mia." She says quietly looking back at a still of her and Christian wearing stupid knit sweaters and Santa hats.

"Then at least come to the garden and play with India, I think she's dying to get out of the house."

"I'm not ready Mia." She says quietly, I can see she wants to, I see in her face that she wants nothing more than to take me up on my offer. "Why don't you take India. You have to take Oreon and Ryan too but take India to the park, you and Ryan." She suggests with a smile, it surprises me, I didn't think she'd want India out of her sight for a while. I know she hates being in a different room to James.

"Ok, and we'll pick some Pizza's up for dinner, saves anyone cooking."

"Sure." She nods before looking over at James, I see her fading out in front of me and I know our conversation is over.

I head on out of her room and go and find India. She's happily playing with Dad in the living room and she smiles when I enter the room, she's got such a beautiful smile.

"Hi India, fancy going to the park?" I ask kneeling down in front of her.

"You should check with Ana first." Mom says sitting up some.

"Ana's fine with it, I offered her to come but … she's not ready yet… she suggested I take India on the condition I take Oreon and Ryan too."

"Well that's a start." Dad says to Mom, something tells me they're talking about Ana's progress, if it hadn't been Christian's funeral yesterday she wouldn't have left the house without force.

"It's a start. Mia don't be gone for too long, couple of hours at most."

"Ok." I nod but frown too, Ana said it was ok for us to go so I don't know what the problem is.

"She's letting India go out without her, it's a hell of a step forward but the longer you're gone the more her anxiety is going to build Mia, come back in a couple of hours and Ana will see her worry was for nothing, it's a step in the right direction."

"Fine." I agree only because I totally know Mom knows what she's talking about. "Come on then Princess India, let's get your coat and go kick Uncle Ryan's butt!" I say making the little girl excited.

Once India's in her fur coat and wearing a hat and mittens and scarf we pile into the SUV. It's nice to get out actually, I know Christian wouldn't want us sat around just thinking and dwelling, he'd want us to get on with our lives. I hope he's proud of how we're all handling this and helping Ana and the kids, looking after them. I know he would be.

Once at one of the Christian Grey approved parks we pull India out and quickly start to play. It's cold so we definitely won't stay too long.

"You ok?" Ryan asks when he catches me day dreaming.

"Do you want children?" I ask him as he swings India up onto his shoulders.

"I do, why do you?" He asks and I nod and smile, it's not a topic we've really gone to before, we had an Ana Christian style whirlwind wedding and we've both been so busy out in LA, him with his media business and me with the bistro we just really didn't think about any of it.

"I can't help but wonder what about these kids now, James never got to meet his father and India's fifteen months old…"

"Ana never knew her father. Her birth father died a day after she was born."

"How do you know that?" I ask, I knew Ray wasn't Ana's real Dad but I didn't know about her real father.

"It's on her Wikipedia page." Ryan replies making me giggle, my sister has a Wikipedia page, it's quite hard to face really, Christian's had one for years so it doesn't bother me at all but knowing how successful Ana has been it's shocking still.

"Wikipedia can be wrong."

"Christian wrote Ana's." He says and I look surprised.

"How do you know that."

"He told me, when I asked him if it was true he said the page was written by him so as long as no one had been to change it yes everything there was true."

Ryan does ask a lot of questions, it's a part of his job that has ingrained into his everyday life. It's nice sometimes but to people who don't know him it can appear quite intrusive.

"Come on, we should get India home before we give Ana a panic attack." I say, we've only been gone an hour but I can't imagine what it's like for her, she's already lost so much and I guess the fear of losing more is haunting her.

**If you have a question, please submit it in with your review, I can't answer them all but I will answer the most common asked and so on!**


	72. Chapter 72

**AN: For those who still want more…**

**Is CG really dead? **_For those of you who still lack belief, YES, he's dead. I wasn't going to say anything and let you all have hope but now dousing the hope with this, yes Christian is really dead, it's not a dream or coma or anything he's dead and he was buried in the last chapter!_

**What are your other stories? **_Unwritten (The prequel to Written) Written, We'll always survive, Torn Between Two, Sins_

**Will Taylor tell Ana what CG said? **_Yes but not directly in the story, you'll hear more of that if you come on the journey that is the sequel_

**Are you planning on dealing with the company? **_That's in this chapter!_

**Are you going to have Ana try and cut everyone out of her life or try it differently? **_Definitely differently!_

**3 to go… TILL THE END!**

**(For those who want it, there IS A SEQUEL!)**

**Thursday 9th January 2014**

**Carrick's POV**

Today it will be my job to make sure nothing goes wrong. Today, we're reading Christian's will. Ana's been particularly quiet, even asked if she could just not come. She needs to be there in case she wants to contest something and she said as long as she keeps the house that's all she gives a damn about, she doesn't want anything of his except the house they made a home together.

Ana's never been one for wanting Christian's money, I'll never forget the whole pre-nup debacle, Christian was adamant he didn't want one, I just wanted to safeguard his business, if they divorced Ana would get half of his percentage which is around 97% of the business but he didn't care, I'm glad really, it showed how much she was worth in comparison to his business, without Ana he didn't want his business.

There are no unexpected surprises to whom was asked to attend the reading, other than family there is Ros, Flynn, Gail and Taylor and Luke who were asked by Christian's Lawyer to be here. Ana and Gail have been making hot drinks and snacks and we've all now gathered in the dining room with Mr Robert Leech, one of Christian's many lawyers but the man that was basically in charge of his estate and affairs after his death.

"Does anyone have any questions before we begin?"

"I do." Ana pipes up quietly which has the eyes of the entire table turning to her. "Uh… how can we get the will sealed from the public records, I mean I know it can be done but uh… I know it involves my children and I don't want what's in it to hurt them in the future."

I reach my hand to hers, thankfully she's sat beside me on one side and Grace is on the other while I have taken the seat at the head of the table.

It's a very valid question Ana is asking, whatever is in the Will will become public knowledge and we all know the threats Christian was up against, though I don't know yet for certain my bet is the kids will someday inherit the business, he would have changed the Will as soon as Ana made it past twelve weeks and included James in the will, the name will have been inserted at his birth even though Christian had already passed. Ana wants to safeguard her kids, it would bring a lot of media attention and also more trouble to Ana if the will became public knowledge.

"We can apply to the probate judge to seal the will due to the risk it could bring to your family Mrs Grey, we can do that straight after this if that is what you want."

"Yes." Ana replies without hesitation, whether she gets nothing or everything she doesn't want the world to know, I understand that.

"Ok, so if there's nothing more we shall begin." He smiles uncomfortably and picks up the thick document that is my son's will, the one thing we all know is that it will be air tight, that no one could take it to court and have it changed because Christian knew what he was doing when he had it done.

"I, Christian Trevelyan Grey, of the city of Seattle, King County, State of Washington, being of sound and disposing mind and memory, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my last Will and Testament, hereby revoking all Wills and codicils previously made by me."

He stops and takes a sip of water, that's the most official part of the will read, one miswording and it could have the whole Will scrapped. Now for the declarations, I actually hate these will readings, coming from affluent families though they're tradition, I prefer the idea of receiving a copy of the will and sitting down to read it alone in quiet, this is almost a show and it's awkward, everyone feels uncomfortable even me!

"Article one, the declarations. I declare that I am married as of the date of this Will and that my wife's name is Anastasia Rose Grey. I further declare that I have one child named India Annalise Grey…" I think everyone's breath just caught, even Ana's in thinking that James isn't going to be mentioned, but I know my son. "and an unborn issue."

"Unborn Issue?" Ana asks looking to me for guidance.

"It means James, the Will was revised before he was born but while you were pregnant." I explain and she nods before turning her head slowly back to Leech.

"If subsequent to the execution of this will there shall be an additional child or children born to or adopted by me, I direct that such birth or adoption shall not revoke this will and that all reference herein to my children and their descendants shall include both my present children and their descendants and any such after born children and their descendants."

A small nod of the head goes by everyone who is listening to show they understand as the beady green eyes of the lawyer scans the room.

"Article two, debts and expenses. I direct that all of my legally enforceable debts, funeral expenses and estate administration expenses be paid as soon after my death as may be practicable, except that any debt or expenses secured by a mortgage, pledge or similar encumbrance on property owned by me at my death need not be paid at my estate, but such property may pass subject to mortgage, pledge or similar encumbrance."

Elliot snorts loudly while Ana looks at me for guidance again and Kate hits Elliot across the head.

"Carrick?"

"What is it darling?" I ask taking Ana's hand once again.

"I don't understand, we don't have any mortgages or loan debts or anything to my knowledge…"

"I know dear, it's just legalities, say you did have a mortgage on Escala, whoever inherited Escala would also inherit the debt rather than the estate paying for it."

"Oh right, thank you." She smiles timidly at me before turning back to the lawyer so he can continue, I smile to myself, Elliot was laughing because he understood there is probably no mortgages or debts but if there was none of us could afford them other than Ana, not really, Christian was a wealthier man than all of us sat around the table put together and that includes the nice few millions Ana has put away in the last couple of years through her books and music.

"Article three, taxes. I direct that all estate, inheritance, legacy, transfers, succession and other taxes or duties together with inherited penalties thereon if any, that are levied or assessed upon with respect to any property included as a part of my gross estate as an administrative expenses, without, any proration or appointment that might otherwise be required by law."

"And that means?" Ana asks looking at me, Jesus can't they do these thing in Layman's terms? I think I'm the only one who actually understands this part.

"You have nothing to worry about, just inheritance tax and the accountants at GEH will deal with all of that." I reassure, there's no point trying to go into it right now, it's all long and complex.

"Article four, tangible personal property. I give and bequeath all of the tangible personal property that I may own at the time of my death, which is not otherwise specifically bequeathed under this Will, including my personal effects, jewellery, household furniture and furnishings, garden and lawn furnishings and equipment, books, silver, china, glass, rugs, art objects, hobby equipment and collections, wearing apparel, automobiles, and other personal articles, to my wife, Anastasia Rose Grey, if she survives me. If my wife does not survive me, then I give and bequeath all of the aforesaid property to my children who survive me, in substantially equal shares, to be divided in such manner as they shall agree, but is to be tied in trust until they are aged twenty one. I may leave a memorandum of my wishes regarding the ultimate disposition of some or all of my tangible personal property, and I would hope that my wishes as to the ultimate disposition of such property would be respected. However, such memorandum shall not affect the absolute nature of the bequests made under this Article four."

Everyone gives a small nod of encouragement and I catch Ana playing with her wedding rings, she's so innocent, she has no idea what's really going on here but I know she's thinking of all his belongings in their bedroom, his study, the things she will always have unless she donates them or sells them to remember him by and to keep for the children.

"Article Five: Residential Real Estate I give and devise to my wife, Anastasia Rose Grey, if she survives me, absolutely and free of trust, all of my right, title and interest in and to all residential real estate used by my wife or by me as a permanent or seasonal home at the time of my death, together with all property or liability insurance policies relating to such residential real estate. If my wife does not survive me, such residential real estate shall be distributed as part of my residuary estate as hereinafter provided in Article Five of this Will. These properties include, our home in Seattle Washington, the apartment in Seattle Washington, the house in Aspen Colorado, the apartment in New York, New York. If my wife does not survive me the aforementioned properties will be held in trust, to then be shared in equal parts between my children once they are aged twenty one."

"That means you get all the properties." I whisper to Ana and her head snaps to me, I can see the shock and near horror written all over her face and I tap her hand gently, I don't think she was expecting that but no one else is at all surprised, I'm not. Ana is Christian's wife, she should inherit all their homes, these places he mentions are places they visited together, Ana lived at Escala before they were married, I was in Aspen with them a couple of years ago and they spent a lot of time in the New York apartment when Ana was touring. It's only right in my honest opinion that Ana inherits it all.

"Article Vi: Residuary Estate, All the rest, residue and remainder of the property that I may own at the time of my death, whether real, personal or mixed, of whatever kind and nature and wherever situated, including all property that I may acquire or become entitled to after the execution of this Will, or other gifts made by this Will that fail for any reason, but excluding any property over or concerning which I may have any power of appointment (all hereinafter referred to as my "residuary estate"), I give, devise and bequeath as follows:

If my wife, Anastasia Rose Grey, survives me, I give, devise and bequeath to her, outright and free of trust, the largest fractional share of my residuary estate, up to the whole thereof, which, when added to the value of all property that passes or has passed to my wife under other provisions of this Will or in any manner other than under this Article. This includes the shared apartment with Jason Taylor in Beijing China and the shared apartment with Jason Taylor in Japan.

The balance of my residuary estate, including any assets that may be disclaimed by my wife if she survives me, or all of my residuary estate if my wife does not survive me, I give, devise and bequeath to the Trustee hereinafter designated in Article twelve, to be held, administered and distributed as a separate Family Trust in accordance with the terms and provisions of Article seven of this Will."

"What the hell?" Ana asks frowning, she looks over at Taylor and then turns to me, she's begging with her eyes for an explanation.

"You didn't know." I say quietly as realisation hits me.

"Didn't know what? That my husband co-signed apartments with his security in Japan and China, of course I didn't know!" She's angry, I understand her anger but now is probably not the best time to be displaying it.

"Ana darling it's ok, we'll talk about it after." Grace tries but the fire that flashes in Ana's eyes dictates we'll be discussing this right now.

"Since when?" She asks looking to Jason Taylor, the poor man looks like he'd prefer the ground to swallow him up. "Taylor…" Her voice sounds so fragile.

"About six years now." He says quietly. "I liked the two places wanted somewhere I could go when I was out there and wouldn't let Christian buy them and allow me to use them, they'd never feel like mine then so I own about thirty percent of both properties."

Ana drops her head, shaking it weakly.

"Maybe we should take a break." I decide looking over to the Lawyer. He nods and takes the piece of paper before scurrying out the room.

"Can I have some time alone with Ana please?" I ask the room and everyone is quick to stand and take leave, well everyone but my wife who takes hold of my hand.

"I don't want any of it." Ana says, tears falling freely down her face. Grace quickly leaves her seat and comes around to Ana's side.

"We know that darling, but Christian wanted you to have it." She says as soon as she's sat with Ana's free hand in her own.

"Why? We were together three years and I never knew about the co-signed apartments with Jason. What else did he never tell me about?"

I now see what has her so upset, it's not the will or its contents, it's finding out things about her husband that she never knew when he was alive, things she, as his wife, should have known.

"I don't think there will be any more surprises like that Anastasia." I tell her giving her hand a gentle squeeze, I hope there won't be because I don't think Ana could handle it.

Once we're all sat down again we go through all the trusts, the children's, Ana's, just how what is inherited will be inherited, it's all the legal side, boring and time consuming.

After breaking for lunch it seems Ana has exhausted herself and lies down for a little while leaving Grace and I a chance to talk.

"After lunch what else is there to do?" My wife asks as I hold her, I need to feel her right now, this is much harder than I thought it would be.

"Just reading the specific bequests. All the legalities have been done now." I explain, Christian's Will was what I expected!

It was a little bit of a shock to us that Christian had declared Gail and Jason as guardians of the children if Ana wasn't alive and second Rhian and John, I think they were all surprised too by their faces. I mean, I know they're India's God Parents, they were chosen and asked to be the guardians should anything happen leaving the children parentless, like if Ana had died in the accident too. I mean, Grace and I are still alive and are blood relatives but with how watertight his Will is we couldn't even get custody through a court.

Once we're all seated back down in the dining room with drinks the Lawyer continues, just briefly explaining that these are the specific bequests that Christian made for things. Of course, we know everything not mentioned now goes to Ana, we understand that from before and that includes cars, the helicopter, the airplane and the boat unless he has specified otherwise.

"My business Grey Enterprises Holdings is to be divided as follows. To Rosalyn Bailey I give three percent of my current shares in Grey Enterprises Holdings." I catch a blush sneak over Ros' face as to the use of her real name, Ana shakes her head again, another something I don't think she knew. I don't think anyone other than myself, Taylor, Luke and Grace knew either but Ana's been kicked while she's down and now she feels like she's being repeatedly kicked. "To my wife, Anastasia Rose Grey, I give twenty seven percent of my shares in Grey Enterprises Holdings, my children, will share equal parts of the seventy percent remaining. Until such time as my children's twenty first birthday, my wife Anastasia Rose Grey will hold and profit from my children's share. However, my wife cannot sell or gift any share of the business without the signature of my children after their twenty first birthday, until this time, Anastasia will hold control unless she relinquishes it, however she will then still profit from the full ninety eight percent until my children's twenty first birthday."

Ana's got one frown on her face, it's actually quite adorable in a toddler-esque sense.

"What is it Ana?" I ask quietly.

"I don't understand, if I relinquish control who takes it?"

"You could choose someone as no one is stated but that person wouldn't profit, you would." I explain and with a little 'oh' she nods her head, I know she's asking that because she doesn't want to run GEH, she has her own business that she only works in about 10% of the year so I understand her point, I think Ana will stick to her music.

"However." The lawyer begins which makes everyone looked shocked and unsure. "My share of the business does not include Grey Records which is gifted to Anastasia Grey Incorporated."

A look of shock crosses Ana's face again.

"What does that mean?" She asks, I love how unsure she is, it makes her seem so cute and naive like a child almost.

"It means that Grey Records is signed over to AG and so it doesn't count as the shares above, you will own that outright and the children will not inherit any part of it at twenty one."

"Ok." She nods but still frowning, I don't think she's happy with that move but my son had a reason for everything.

"To my Parents, Carrick Grey and Grace Trevelyan Grey, I give one and a half million dollars. To my Brother Elliot Trevelyan Grey and my Sister Mia Seacrest I give One million dollars each. To my nephew Caleb Scott Grey I give, in trust, one million dollars to be kept until his twenty first birthday. To the first descendant of my sister Mia Secreast I give one million dollars to be kept until his or her twenty first birthday. To Gail Taylor and Jason Taylor I give seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars on the condition that they stay in the employment of my wife Anastasia Rose Grey for a minimum period of five years unless they are dismissed, otherwise the monetary value must be return in full to my wife."

We're all surprised by this, not the money, but the condition that they get the money, it could be classed as blackmail but I understand that it's Christian's way of safeguarding Ana, she needs Gail and Taylor around especially until she's back on her feet and Christian's guess is that within five year she will be. I actually like the clause and Gail and Taylor, though showing nothing on their faces look relaxed, I think they've just realised their jobs are safe.

"To Sophie Taylor I give fifty thousand dollars to be held in trust until her twenty first birthday, to Zachary Taylor I give fifty thousand dollars to be held in trust until his twenty first birthday. To Luke Sawyer I give three hundred and seventy five thousand dollars, to Hannah Anastasia Sawyer I give fifty thousand dollars to be kept in trust until her twenty first birthday."

Am I surprised to hear Christian donating such large sums to his staff and their children. No, the amount he would give to them through schooling and insurance would be far larger than this and even though they will still be covered under GEH insurance this is his way of thanking his loyal staff for their work. Ana also doesn't seem surprised, she may have even known or she has something similar in her will.

What might be shocking though is people expecting Christian to have billions, he doesn't. His net worth is billions but most of that is tied up in his company. In his numerous bank accounts, many offshore he would probably have around half a billion if added correctly. That's his spending money if you will. His earnings from the business that doesn't get put back into the business.

"To John Flynn and Rhian Flynn I give twenty five thousand dollars, to Iolo Flynn I give ten thousand dollars to be held in trust until his twenty first birthday, to Dion Flynn I give ten thousand dollars to be held in trust until his twenty first birthday."

John Flynn looks absolutely gobsmacked, he definitely was not expecting anything like this, I definitely doubt he thought his children would be mentioned. Christian was a good man, this is his final act showing people that he loved and cared about his love to them, money doesn't equal love and care but to Christian it probably equals it, giving them this, mentioning them in his Will and recognising them shows his care.

"To Rosalyn Bailey and Gwen Bailey I give five hundred thousand dollars."

The lawyer scans the room and gives a brief nod before taking a sip of his water my guess is there's not much left to go now.

"The named businesses and charities will receive one hundred and fifty thousand dollars each. Coping Together, Grey's construction, Carla's Cancer Trust, Taste of Grey, World Hunger Relief, Anastasia Grey Incorporated, Fairfax hospital, Seattle Grace Paediatrics, Grey Law Offices, Flynn Psychiatric Services and Steele's Carpentry."

Again no surprises really, maybe in Fairfax but they helped Ana so much so I also do understand it.

"To my children India Annalise Grey and Unborn Issue I give five billion dollars to be kept in their trusts until their twenty first birthday or the birth of their first child, whichever comes first. The rest of my money, as mentioned in the article above will go to my wife Anastasia Rose Grey. This is my last Will and Testament, signed, Christian Trevelyan Grey."

That's it. All of Christian's will read out. I am about to thank the lawyer when I see Ana with her head buried in her hands and her shoulders shaking.

"Ana?" I question holding my arm around her. She turns to me and buries her head into my chest, griping my suit jacket tight in her fists. I hold her close to me and rub her back, unable to soothe her not knowing what's bothering her.

"How about we go to the living room for tea?" Grace announces, it's her way of clearing the room to give myself and Ana some privacy.

I watch everyone go while I hold onto my daughter, Ana is as much my daughter as Mia and just because Christian's gone I'm going to make sure she knows that. I don't think she'd ever pushes out completely, we are India and James' grandparents but I do hope she keeps her relationship with Grace and I.

"I'm sorry Carrick." She sniffles lifting her head up.

"What ever's wrong Anastasia?" I ask still rubbing her back.

"It felt so final, that's it… he's gone. After being summed up to all his worth like that it's over… his life… everything that was his has been divided out the way he wanted it to be…" She begins to sob again and I hold her tight to me as she cries. I can understand now what is hurting her so much. It does feel final. Spreading out his assets is really closing the door on who Christian was, what he made of himself, his belongings are no longer his. I can completely understand why Ana is upset and as my own tears fall I don't stop them, because it really does hurt to look at it this way.

**If you have a question, please submit it in with your review, I can't answer them all but I will answer the most common asked and so on!**


	73. Chapter 73

**AN: For those who still want more…**

**How did you know all that law stuff? **_I have studied law independently (not in school) for about 5-6 years, I have a slight obsession with all things legal. The internet, text books, TV, papers, it all kind of just sinks in. My area of "expertise" if you will is American Law, mainly New York (Shocking as I live in the UK!)_

**2 to go… TILL THE END! (Of this!)**

**Friday 10th January 2014**

**Grace's POV**

"Good morning Ana." I say pushing open her curtains. She is no way getting to stay in bed anymore, as cruel as it sounds I'm going to kick her behind, for the sake of the children now she needs to pull herself together more.

After the reading of the will yesterday it was necessary to sedate Ana once again. It's getting a bit much for everyone's liking but hopefully today will be the first day of moving on, it is for me.

I have grieved hard for my son this past week. I've cried more than I have cried in my life but now I need to get my act together for Ana and the children, I need to help Ana through the pain see she can still live and love her kids.

Don't get me wrong, I know it is easier said than done but it's necessary now. Ana is slowly showing signs of dependency on sedation and anti-anxieties just to get through her day and I don't want Christian haunting me for making his wife a drug addict.

"Gail's made you breakfast if you don't get up now I will pour water over your head."

"Leave me alone." She grumbles wrapping herself more around Christian's pillow, she's been sleeping with her body wrapped around it every night, that's how I know it's his.

"Now, now Ana. I mean it. Up and at 'em!"

She slowly pushes herself up to sitting and she looks like she hasn't actually slept a wink all night.

"Ana." I sigh sitting down beside her, she's quick to lay back down with her head in my lap. I love that she can be this way with me, she is my daughter. I stroke my hands through her beautiful hair, I think she's so beautiful even when she looks so deathly ill and unhealthy. "I know you're hurting still, I am too, no one is expecting you to just get over this but it's not healthy staying in bed, not talking, India and James need you to be stronger for them. You can still take time to lie down and be with your thoughts, when they're napping but now it's time for you to get up and face the world. Today, you and me we're getting out of here with the kids. Ok?"

"Yes Mom." She says quietly and I kiss her head, she doesn't ever really call me Mom but every time it has slipped past her lips it has made me smile and brought warmth to my heart. When she catches my smile she manages one back and she sits up and hugs me. "What would I do without you?" She asks, musing to herself I think.

"I don't ever want to think." I say tapping her hand, my tone is teasing but I really dread to think what would happen to Ana if she ever lost another person in her life, she's strong but it's like a tree, take an axe to it and with each hit of the axe the tree weakens.

Once Ana's showered and dressed and has eaten two piece of toast we head out with India and James. I have India in her pushchair and Ana has James in his stroller.

"Christian has James' nursery decorated when we got back from the babymoon." She says quietly as we walk down the driveway. "I said he could do it, he picked everything out, worked with Gia and just had it done while we were away."

"That was nice." I smile, that was Christian, never leaving things hanging just getting them done.

"Yeah it was." Ana smiles.

Taylor unlocks the gate for us and we slip out into the masses of flowers and gifts of mourning left by the public.

Ana slows and begins to walk around the flowers, picking up the cards and reading them. Some make her teary, others make her smile. It's nice to see her reacting to something like this, especially when I didn't expect her to even acknowledge them.

"These will need to be cleared out Taylor, can you organise it?" She asks putting down the last card.

"When would you like it done Ana?" He replies uncertainty showing on his face, I guess it's strange to both of them now, Taylor has been like an uncle to Ana, that's how I have viewed their relationship anyhow, and now Ana's in charge, it's a whole flip on their relationship.

"Today." She says and Taylor is quickly getting his phone out while Ana grabs James pushchair and heads for the sidewalk.

"You sure you want the flowers all just thrown out?" I ask, I don't want her jumping to doing things because she thinks they're necessary.

"It's been ten days since he died, ten whole long days, most of those flowers are dying, some have been there since day one, when it was first announced that he'd died. They're rotting, it's rained one the bears… they just need to go Grace." She replies and I nod at her, I guess the only way I will know if this is a good thing or a bad thing is by discussing it with John or Sandra and I don't want Ana to think that every time she does or says something that I'm going to run off to the shrinks, she needs to know I'm supporting her and her every decision.

We walk in silence down the street, Taylor a few feet behind us just being Taylor. There's some press around and they snap our fingers but Ana's eyes are hidden beneath big Chanel sunglasses and her body that has plummeted not only to her pre-pregnancy weight but even less, hidden beneath a big blue dress coat.

"Yesterday was it." Ana says catching me off guard. "The reading of the Will was closing the door on his death, I will grieve and mourn for him for the rest of my life. I will look at my children and I will feel pain, I will miss him, I will want him with me… but yesterday was like flicking a switch that turned the light off in the room that held him forever. He'll still be there, in the back of my mind, the pain… isn't going to get easier for a long time but yesterday I acknowledged that he was gone, he's not coming back but I have to live for the kids, for his memory, I have to… somehow go on and I will, as of today Grace I will."

I have to stop and wipe my tears. My Ana, all grown up and so mature. This past week her behaviour has been so childlike, so horrible to witness and now she's just stood by my side and told me that though she acknowledges the pain that has come with losing Christian, reading his Will yesterday was the last thing necessary to do before being able to acknowledge it. I'm so proud of her, so, so proud.

Having stopped Taylor is a little closer so I let go of the pram and wrap my arms around Ana. The move surprises her but she knocks the break on James pushchair and hugs me back, her nose burying into the crook of my neck. I feel her crying some but I know it's not a bad crying, it's something else.

"Thank you." She says pulling back and wiping her cheeks. I don't think she wants the press getting images of her now red eyes so she doesn't even wipe those. "For being a Mom to me since the moment I met you. It's made this… bearable."

"If I'd lost you in that car crash too… I see it Ana, so vividly I see myself getting to that computer where I found out Christian was in the morgue and it's replaced with your name… I couldn't have lost you both, possibly the three of you." I signal to James. "Having you and James and India, makes this bearable. I have a part of Christian in you, in James and in India. And so, do you. You have a part of him alive in your heart and in your children. He'll never be completely gone and you'll never stop loving him."

"He gave me the best three years of my life." She says kicking off the break and walking again. "John asked me the other day, if I'd known the outcome would I have refused his proposal, I knew than and I knew now, I wouldn't have Grace. I loved him, everything about him, his fifty shades and then some. Thank you for giving me him."

I can't say anything, the lump in my throat stops me but as we walk, I know we both have a smile for Christian, for each other, for love, friendship and a future.


	74. Chapter 74

**Tuesday 14th January 2014**

**Ana**

"Hello Christian.

I miss you. More than I could possibly ever describe I miss you. Everyone's ok. They're coping, living… sort of. We're all sad, mourning, grieving, we all wish you were here with us. The kids… India's grieving, though she doesn't understand death she misses you, she senses everyone else's grief and is reacting, she asks for you… when she calls your name my heart shatters over and over and over. James Christian Grey, oh Christian he's your double, he's so beautiful… I love him so much, even though I'm in physical pain sometimes when I look at him because I see you all over him, I even see more of you in India now that you're gone.

I hope you were happy with your funeral service, that it would have been what you wanted. I had no idea what you wanted in terms of music but I remembered the piece you were playing at the piano in Escala the night I gave you my virginity and it seemed… fitting… our start and our end… I laughed at your funeral, you said you'd haunt anyone if they chose all things bright and beautiful… well it was your Mom, go haunt her baby.

I've been thinking, so much for the past week, the reading of your Will was heart breaking, to hear you summed up to just what you were worth in possessions and money… it was hard, horrible and those last words, This is my last Will and Testament, signed Christian Trevelyan Grey. Couldn't have been more final in any other words.

There were a few shockers in there. Why did I never know about the apartments with Taylor in Japan or China? I had a moment where it broke me because I wondered if I knew you at all, crazy but true. The GEH? Why will I always have twenty eight percent of your share? I don't understand? I do understand having it until the kids are grown up and I profit from their share until that day, I sort of look at it like child support, crazy but it's the only way I can get my head around it. I hope you understand, but I signed papers giving Ros the power to make decisions concerning the business. I'll always keep an eye on it but I think you saying in the Will that I could do that was like you telling me I should, I mean why else say it? Ros loves that place and has a reason to keep it making money, there is no one else you or I would see running it. I have told her not to touch your office though, just to put my name on the door until the kids are twenty one. That's a long way off.

Gifting me Grey Records was a real shock too, why do it? Is that your crazy way of telling me to carry on singing? Or because you got it and I took it to where it is now because you made me sing? I don't know, another thing I guess I'll have to interpret just like with the business.

I keep replaying the accident in my mind. What if you'd let me drive? We'd be stood in very different places right now. I'd be in the ground and you'd be mourning me. I don't know but I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, I wouldn't ask you to trade places with me because I wouldn't want you feeling the way I do. They've now charged the two drivers with your death and with harming me. It's good to know someone is going to pay but it doesn't bring you back, it doesn't give me the feeling of justice…maybe it will when the verdict comes in, depending on that verdict, I mean, how much should someone pay for taking anyone's life. I don't think a lifetime behind bars will make me feel like I've had any justice.

When I was in that ambulance and I died, I saw you, I spoke to you, you sent me back. Did you want to keep me there with you? Did you send me back for me? For you? Our kids? I don't understand it, we could have stayed there together but there you are telling me to be happy, that I'll love again someday. It doesn't feel like that and I'm angry at you, I'm so fucking angry at you.

You cheated me out of being able to say goodbye, in the car and in … heaven. If I'd known you were going to die, I could have told you I loved you so much, that I was going to miss you, that I would do anything you asked. You could have left me instructions! Told me what you want but all I get is a half-cocked explanation from Taylor that states all you want for me to do is be a good mom, to be happy and someday trust myself to love again. That makes me furious Grey!

Today is the first day for me really, really moving on. Technically I told your Mom that it was the other day but it's really today. It's the first day I've been able to come here and talk to you, it's taken me two weeks to wrap my head around everything and this morning was the first day I've gotten up and gotten on with my day without them having to drug me first.

I spoke with Flynn the other day. He asked me, if I'd known how our relationship was going to end, how our marriage would end, would I change my mind and not marry you? I still stand by that I wouldn't. These past three years with you, though full of grief and sadness have also been filled with love, family, joy, things I couldn't ask for but were given to me. By you, your Mom and Dad, our babies…

I'm going to have a future without you in it, but you'll always be in my heart and my soul and my mind. Our kids will know you, hear of you, love you in their own way. I've decided to take a break and go travelling once James is old enough, in a couple of months I'm going to grab the kids and my first stop is the house in London to see Mrs Farrah, she came to Seattle and only went home yesterday, I think Gail was starting to feel pushed out.

Maybe in a few months I'll start to do all those things you said we could do together, you wanted to do so much with me, just you and me, some things with the kids and I've written everything I remember down and I'm going to do them all. Might be my deluded way of keeping you alive in my head and heart but it's also a way for me to just commemorate you, to keep your legacy.

I'm scared Christian. I'm scared of letting you down, of failing our children. I'm terrified. But the one thing I am going to do, the one thing I promise you today I will do is, I will try. I will try to be a good Mom, I will try to be a good woman, I will try so hard and I promise you that. There's not much I can give you but that promise I can. I really am terrified I'll fail at it but a promise of trying I know I can't fail, because just by coming here I'm showing I'm trying.

I don't know how often I'll come up here, I don't know if I can face it but you're not in the hole in the ground, you're in my heart, my soul, the air I breathe, you're in heaven, you're with our children. Your body is here but you are not. I will continue to say goodnight to you as I lay in our bed, I will continue to say good morning to you, I will be open to loving again if that's what you want me to do… we'll see.

Never forget Christian Grey that I love you, I will always love you."

**The end.**

**Thank you so much to EVERYONE who has laughed, cried, thrown tantrums, it has made this story what it has become. I may have lost readers along the way but that's ok. I don't mind. There are names I'd like to mention, I'm sorry if I miss anyone out but these people have been with me along this ride from beginning and I know they're here at the end…**

**Eirian Roberts (Who wanted me to decapitate Christian BTW!)**

**Katie Pettigrew**

**NK (Koocher)**

**Michelle Banton**

**Steph Fram**

**R-J Briggs**

**I'm sorry if I missed anyone, they're just the ones I can think of at four am!**

**I will upload the first chapter of the sequel in a few hours. It's called Fifty Shades Beginning Again. **

**Thank you again!**

**Love to you all**

**Steffie**

**xxxxxxx**


	75. Chapter 75

**Hello everyone!**

No this isn't an update :(

**This is EVEN BETTER! (For me anyhow)**

I've been quite here on fan fic for a while now because MY NOVELLA IS PUBLISHED! WHOOO!

So if you want to read something sexy, erotic, kinky, full of sex, fantasy and Romance then head over to:

**Amazon (for kindle)**

**Smashwords (for PDF, RTF, ePub, Mobi and many others)  
**

**Kobo**

**WHSmiths**

Search Meeting My Master and VOILA Meeting My Master (BOOK I: A week with my Romanian) by Steffie Dawn should appear. It's currently selling at approx $1.55 (give or take a few cents or £1 other currencies will vary.

**I'd love for you guys to give it a try, our little slogan is "MAKES FIFTY SHADES LOOK LIKE THE BIBLE" I even said that and who was behind me? My Vicar... that was FUNNY.**

Also if you're bored head over to www dot steffiedawn dot co dot uk where you'll find links to all the sites I am on, that way you can keep up with me!

Thanks to you ALL for giving me the courage I needed to go ahead and do this!

Steff x


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